The Nostalgia Critic/Season 14

Quotes from the 14th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2021.

Shark Tale

Nostalgia Critic: I just want to see a scientist who's spent analyzing jokes from Pixar for years saying, "You don't know how this works, you don't know how any of this works! [shows Cars 2] Even Pixar half the time doesn't know how it works!" But okay, give credit, this one's pretty good.

[Shows a scene where a chef is standing alone in a sushi restaurant, looking angry. Nostalgia Critic points to a "Jokes That Work" board with 1 tally, versus a "The Worst, just... just the WORST" board that has 200 tallies]

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[Lenny is slammed on a large screen]

Oscar: Remember this name!

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, if they're underwater, how can there be electricity?

[Cut to a scene from "Life of Crime" in Spongebob Squarepants where a campfire goes out]

The FREAKIEST Raggedy Ann Movie

Nostalgia Critic: No matter what version of Raggedy Ann you've seen in the past, I assure you there is nothing freakier than this one! I mean, look at this! Is this the imagery you'd associate with such a simple children's doll?

9

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, in order to talk about this, I have to go into spoilers, which I know I do all the time on this show, but this does have an interesting surprise in the third act, so if you don't want it ruined, go watch the movie and come back to watching this. I'll even give you a commercial break so you can go watch it.

[commercial break]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh! I kinda thought that ad would be an hour, 20 minutes long... Pause it and go watch!

Strange Magic

Nostalgia Critic: Based on a concept 15 years in development, Lucas said he wanted to make a story for his daughters. Figuring he did such a good job making a fantasy for 12-year-old boys, he could make a fantasy for 12-year-old girls. Because yeah, he understands the female mind just as much as the male mind.

[A clip of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith is shown]

Anakin: You're so beautiful.

Padmé: It's only because I'm so in love.

Anakin: No, it's because I'm so in love with you.

Padmé: So love has blinded you?

---

Nostalgia Critic: Roland approaches Marianne and in hindsight I really should have seen the song coming.

[Roland begins a Shrek-esque musical number]

Nostalgia Critic: How much Shrek are they going to rip off?

Marianne: You got a lot of nerve walking in here. [begins yet another musical number]

Nostalgia Critic: Okay did Lucas want to make an opera? How many songs are there back to back?

The Terminator

Terminator: Fuck you, asshole.

Nostalgia Critic: It's a special moment when you find someone else who also uses that as their ringtone. [Critic's phone rings and the ringtone is the T-800 saying "Fuck you, asshole"] Hello? You were calling just to make that joke work? Thank you.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Nostalgia Critic: I also love this weird ass sound it makes that it's never made before. [The T-1000 falls into the molten steel screeching. It takes on all its previous forms] Did it step on a hive of spider witches? What was that? I like he tries to replicate everything he's transformed into to try and figure a way out, and it also makes some hauntingly surreal nightmare fuel. [The T-1000 takes the shape of an openmouthed head that turns inside out] Why couldn't this be the Na'vi's design? Now that would look truly alien. We'd like to thank James Cameron for becoming Terry Gilliam for a few minutes.

Terminator: I need a vacation.

Nostalgia Critic: And Joss Whedon. [John tosses the arm of the original Terminator into the vat] They burn the material that could give birth to Skynet...hey, what about the other arm? [An earlier shot of the Terminator losing an arm is shown] Don't worry about it. The sequels don't.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Nostalgia Critic: She knocks him out and reprograms him so that he can chase after Connor as well.

John Connor: He made it!

Terminator: Get away from me.

Nostalgia Critic: Yes. That means walk closer. You really are the worst predictive messiah, and I've known some really shitty ones. [Bill and Ted, Jesus, Anakin Skywalker, Tim Burton's Alice, Donald Trump, and Neo are shown]

Terminator Salvation

Nostalgia Critic: Well, let's take a look at the worst Terminator film- [Terminator Genisys is shown] No, it's not that. Let's talk about the riskiest Terminator film- [Terminator: Dark Fate is shown] No, not that one either... Let's talk about the most action-packed Terminator film- [Terminator 2: Judgment Day is shown] Let's talk about the one you forget even exists!

The Prince of Egypt

Nostalgia Critic: Miriam gives Moses the motivation to confront Rameses again, turning the river into blood. The priests, through another illusion, seem to do the same thing.

[Rameses dips his hand into the "blood" his priests made]

Nostalgia Critic: [as Rameses] Hmm. Kool-Aid. Strawberry. Mmm, I love my yummy-wummy Ra blood! Strawberry, Moses! Dork!

---

Nostalgia Critic: We get the film's big showstopper song, "When You Believe", which is beautifully sung and orchestrated and joyful and uplifting. The only thing I don't like? How it starts. Moses is crushed, God basically murdered his nephew with his help, his family tries to console him, and the first thing his sister says is this.

Miriam: [singing] Many nights we've prayed...

Nostalgia Critic: That is not what anyone would want to hear. If you want to sing, great, but sing to yourself or other people like Tzipporah does. This is the equivalent of... [singing as Miriam] Come on, Moses! Gray skies are gonna clear up! Seriously, if I was Moses in this scene, I'd be like...

Miriam: [singing] Many nights-

Nostalgia Critic: [as Moses] What the fuck is wrong with you? Got heavy shit on my mind, man. Give me ten.

Miriam: [singing] Many nights-

Nostalgia Critic: [as Moses] No, no, no, no. We can sing Kumbaya later. You give me ten.

Miriam: [singing] Many-

Nostalgia Critic: [as Moses] Shh-shh-shh-shh. Ten, bitch.

Mulan (2020)

Nostalgia Critic: [To the tune of "I'll Make a Man Out of You"] Let's get back to business! / To demean... Mulan! / I've got sons and daughters / Ready to be conned! / Made the saddest bunch of reboots yet / and you can bet before we'll do. / Missy, I'll make you made with this too. / Bland and dull as a test! / No desire within. / Once the leads are boring / Our remakes begin! / Make them mundane, stale, monotonous. / It makes big bucks for us, it's true! / Somehow I'll make you mad with this too!

Niki: Can we maybe give Mulan some flaws?

Nostalgia Critic: Then she won't be perfect, will she? / Arcs for Disney Ladies? / That's more a man's game! / Maybe she can break all of gravity's laws!

Niki: Hope this movie doesn't screw me!

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, it always wins us critical acclaim! / (Make you mad!) We must cut out all the songs and humor! / (Dull and bad) With all the charm of a dead racoon! / (You've been had!) With no risk to offend our consumers. / As serious as a popped Mushu balloon! / Time is not a factor! / At a half... hour! / We got pointless add-ons, meant to 'empower'! / You're not ready for this raging bore / it's a chore, but you'll watch through! / How can I make you mad with this too? (Make you mad!) We must add characters that do nothing! / (And it's sad!) With all the check lists these... remakes do! / (Enlist her) With all the strength of an aging franchise! / And misery that's on par with Mulan II !

Tom & Jerry (2021)

[Various scenes showing Chloë Grace Moretz's mediocre performance are shown]

Nostalgia Critic: Every word sounds like she was just handed a rewrite and they cut just before she said "wait, that wasn't rehearsal?"

Kayla: [chuckles] Oh, wow. Yeah, you've had a lot of really cool jobs.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Chloë Grace Moretz] Well, that was fun reading that line for my five year old niece, when do we start- WE WERE ROLLING?!

Scooby-Doo! Curse of the Lake Monster

Nostalgia Critic: I think this franchise has come to grips with: there will never be a likable version of Fred.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Eddie: If I wanted underwear, I'd have broken into Frederick's of Hollywood.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Eddie] Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go back to the British part of California.

---

Nostalgia Critic: Dolores catches Eddie seemingly hitting on Jessica, and thank Jesus this misunderstanding only lasts a few seconds. I think the film itself even forgot it put it in there. I get the feeling this moment exists only for this one scene.

[As Eddie puts his pants back up, his head accidentally bumps into Jessica's breasts]

Eddie: Sorry.

[The shot glitches]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, sorry. It glitches there, because it's been rewound so much. No reason.

An American Tail

Nostalgia Critic: What we're trying to tell you kids is everything is out to get you and your dreams are bullshit. Just survive. Surviving is hard enough. [Crying children are heard] Don't hide under that pillow, you can suffocate from that. Everything can kill you! AH! AH! AAH! Rated 80s G. [shows an 80s G rating with the reasoning "GENERAL AUDIENCES UNLESS YOU'RE A BITCH-ASS PANSY"]

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Nostalgia Critic: On his way to finding help, he comes across an activist named Bridget, who's trying to fight against the evil cats.

[Bridget giggles as she shows off her pretty eyes to Tony, leading a "FURRIES BORN" counter to go up to 3,829,381]

Tony: Cat...

Bridget: Cat...

[The counter goes to 1,358,782,568,920 before exploding]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, that's it. [Images of Bridget and Princess Daphne from Dragon's Lair are shown] Princess Daphne fucked a mouse at some point.

Bridget: Cat...

Nostalgia Critic: Jesus, they make her pupils so big, her eye shadow literally casts an eye shadow!

---

Nostalgia Critic: It's revealed that Warren T. is a cat, leading to one of my favorite lines.

Warren T. Cat: Who are you gonna believe? Me or your own eyes?

[The crowd attacks him]

Nostalgia Critic: And they finally unleash their secret... [The Mousekewitz family is helping get the weapon up] JUST TILT UPWARD, YOU FOOL! [The counter goes up to 5]

Jetsons: The Movie

Nostalgia Critic: It's a cartoon from a past decade [1960s] being made in another decade [1980s] that's transitioning into another decade [1990s] that's talking about a future decade [2060s]. Call me crazy, but I find that fucking fascinating!

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Spacely: We need someone expendable. [An image of Spacely himself appears] Very funny.

Nostalgia Critic: Says the film that ends up replacing the actor. [The words "HE DIED" pop up] That's no excuse.

Atlantis: The Lost Empire

Nostalgia Critic: Atlantis goes under, and we cut to Washington, 1914, where we see this film was clearly not stealing from Nadia, it was stealing from Stargate all along.

Milo Thatch: Cartography and linguistics, Milo Thatch speaking.

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, a geeky teacher/boiler maintenance boy named Milo, voiced by Michael J. Fox, gives his theories about the existence of a lost civilization that's constantly laughed at except by an eccentric millionaire, who gives him the technology and team to go find it. [Clips from Stargate are shown to showcase the similarities with Atlantis] Fear not, Stargate would get their revenge when they made their spin-off series. [The poster of Stargate: Atlantis is shown]

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Rourke: P.T. Barnum was right.

Nostalgia Critic: I hope I'm remembered as a musical lie? [The posters of The Greatest Showman, then Pocahontas are shown] This really is a Disney film. The King of Atlantis dies, making this...what? Nimoy's 10th death onscreen?...revealing that he as well used the crystal as a weapon, leading to their downfall.

Atlantean King: My burden would have become hers. But now, it falls to you.

Nostalgia Critic: [as the Atlantean King] My son.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Milo] Oh, I'm not your...okay, Dad.

Cinderella III: A Twist In Time

Father: I forbid you to take another step down these stairs!

Prince: Okay. [zips away cartoonishly]

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, zippy animation on the Prince is kinda disturbing.

---

Nostalgia Critic: [seeing Anastasia's big feet] Why do I feel like, next to Kaa and Tinker Bell's butt, that's a highly searched image?

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Jack: [singing] What's this in here? They've got a little tree. How queer!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, we found the line every kid's gonna snicker at whenever they sing it.

Jack: [singing] little cozy things secure inside their dreamland... [Places his head next to a sleeping elf]

Nostalgia Critic: And we found the out-of-context picture that'll get me snickering whenever I see it.

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Nostalgia Critic: Actually, with combining holidays, this film really was ahead of its time.

[A shot of many Christmas items alongside many Halloween items in a store is shown]

Scooby-Doo and the Witch's Ghost

Nostalgia Critic: And I do like they finally reference that none of these characters seem like teens.

Criminal: ...if it wasn't for this meddling... [turns sharply to Ben] writer!

Fred: Well, at least he didn't call us "kids". I hate that.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Fred] Look at what I'm wearing. I'm a minimum 40!

---

Nostalgia Critic: Throw in the towel! We are never getting a better setup than that!

Scooby: Stop it, Shaggy. I'm not stupid. Are you cheating on me?

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, one.

Leap!

Nostalgia Critic: So get on, I guess, as the two girls dance throughout the entire theater with Felicie literally sticking the landing, making the - I know it's not the term, but they used it more than the actual term - crazy jumpy thing.

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[The film has a completely unnecessary 2nd climax where Regine attempts to murder Felicie at the Statue of Liberty]

Nostalgia Critic: Man, they really want you to forget there was any chance this could be good, didn't they? Even the Statue is silently judging this climax! [Regine is tangled by ropes] Okay, I'll give this movie two extra points if they give her the Clayton death from Tarzan. [An image of said scene is shown but no such death occurs in the film] D'oh, I suppose killing your movie is as good a death as any.

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Nostalgia Critic: I don't even know what this is.

Count Olaf: [blabbering]

Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas

Nostalgia Critic: [changes into his Christmas clothing Transformers style] Did my heart keep beating? How did all my organs reconnect? Is my blood... compartmentalized?

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Lumière: Merry Christmas.

Chip: Doesn't look so special to me.

Nostalgia Critic: Fuck you, you little hood ornament! All of this is your fault!

The Polar Express

Know-It-All: Do you know what kind of train this is? It's a Baldwin 2-8-4 S-3 class merchant type steam locomotive. [audio of Mandark, also voiced by Eddie Deezen, plays] Yes, Dexter, I can read your thoughts, and I am smarter than you.

[a checklist shows "Mandark reference so people don't kill me"]

Nostalgia Critic: You can cross that off the list.

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Conductor: Who in the [bleep added in] applied that brake?!

Nostalgia Critic: He explains he did it to let the kid on, so the conductor calms down. Next they serve the kids hot chocolate just so every train ride themed after this movie can have some kids shouting "Why aren't they flipping and doing somersaults like in the film where everybody looks like Superman's upper lip?"

Home Alone 5: The Holiday Heist

Nostalgia Critic: I'll be honest, the only reason I want to review this movie is to give this 90s cartoon justice.

[Shows clip from The Critic]

Critic: Tonight I'll be reviewing Home Alone 5.

Mom: We left Kevin home alone and he's only 23. [an aging Kevin screams]

Nostalgia Critic: Not only were they right but they were right twice. Home Alone 5: The Holiday Heist was a TV movie released in 2012 and was the 5th film in the Home Alone franchise. Hard to believe that when this joke was made, they thought 5 was a comedically high number, now realizing they were still off by one.