Last modified on 20 August 2014, at 15:42

The New Batman Adventures

The New Batman Adventures continues from Batman: The Animated Series in the DC Animated Universe.

Season OneEdit

Holiday KnightsEdit

Harley Quinn: I'm depressed, Red. Here it is, holiday time, and we're hiding out in this dingy rat-trap. No presents, no fun, no nothing. Can't we at least get a Christmas Tree?
Poison Ivy: What? And support the mad campaign of botanical genocide that grips this country every December?!

Boy: You're not the real Santy Claus!
Harvey Bullock: (Dressed as Santa) Sure I am! Wanna see my gun?
[Montoya slaps him upside the head.]

Joker: Hi-ho, couch potatoes! I'm interrupting the Toilet Bowl to give you my very special New Year's resolution. [Clears throat] Starting tonight at midnight, I, your loving Uncle Joker, do solemnly vow not to kill anyone for a whole year - which means I'm going to have to work extra fast to bump off a few more of you today!

Sins Of The FatherEdit

Tim: If you knew how many times I've dreamed about this place!
[Tim picks up a small black ball from an arsenal.]
Alfred: Please, Master Timothy! Not the explosives.
Tim: Sorry. Geez! I don't believe it!

[Tim walks over to a glass case containing the Robin suit.]
Tim: It's the real Robin suit, isn't it?! Whatever happened to him?

[Tim eyes a trophy case with pictures, trophies and awards given to Bruce Wayne]
Tim: Bruce Wayne, huh?
Batgirl: Sorry you had to see that.

Alfred Pennyworth: I called Batgirl right after you arrived, Batman, though apparently not soon enough.

Batman: I think I've I.D.'d his father. Steven 'Shifty' Drake.
Batgirl: Burglary, armed robbery, grand-theft. . .
Batman: Started when he was a kid. A real hard-luck case.
Batgirl: Just like his son.
Batman: Are you looking for sympathy?
Batgirl: From you? Heaven forbid.

Bruce Wayne: You work with me, Tim, you follow the rules. Rule number one: You give me everything you've got. Rule number two: Then you give me more. And rule number three: I make the rules.
Dick Grayson: Watch out for that last one, kid. It's a killer.
[the others are surprised to see him]
Dick Grayson: Hey. No one can be a 'Boy Wonder' forever.

Cold ComfortEdit

Doctor Madsen: There isn't an archaeological institution in the world that would buy a stolen fossil.
Mr. Freeze: I did not come here to steal bones, but to steal hope.

[Batman tries to stop Freeze, but he is caught unprepared by his enemy who points his weapon at him]
Batman: What are you waiting for?
Mr. Freeze: Not this time, not this way!

Never FearEdit

Scarecrow: Who are you? Why were you snooping around?
Bruce Wayne: Easy,easy I was just look'n for some loose cash, I wasn't trying to move in on your operation. Whatever it is.
Scarecrow: A thief, I thought as much. [pulls out gun]
Bruce Wayne: Hey, be cool!
Scarecrow: Scared you, didn't I?

Scarecrow: Fear... is power.

[The train is careening out of control]:
Scarecrow: We'll die!
Batman: You're not trying to scare me, are you?

You Scratch My BackEdit

Catwoman: A gift.
[Catwoman blows Nightwing a kiss and flips away.]
Thug: (Gagged) Mmmhpphummnmmphhumnhrm.
Nightwing: You said it.

Double TalkEdit

Scarface: I ain't a case of the sniffles, Dummy! And I don't roll over just 'cause some quack waves a two-dollar watch at me! Nobody pulls my strings, Dummy. Especially not you!

Scarface: When the muscle starts to think it's the brains, then it's time to amputate.

Joker's MillionsEdit

Joker: Well, that was a complete fiasco! If we weren't so strapped for cash, I'd never have touched this job. (to Harley) Gimme the loot.
Harley: Don't you have it?
Joker: Me? You were the last one to... (The car quietly breaks down and stops as the headlights go out) I thought I told you to get gas!
Harley: We're broke, remember? What was I supposed to do, fill the tank, shoot the guy and drive off?
Joker: (Nodding) Mmm-hmm!
Harley: Now you tell me!
[They hear tires screeching and turn around to see the Batmobile heading their way.]
Joker: Oops! Time to eject!
[Joker pushes a lever which launches his seat out of the car on a rocket.]
Harley: (Frantically searching) Hey! Where's mine?
Joker: (Rocketing away) Sorry, kiddo! I could only afford one!
Harley: You cheap, penny-pinching, pasty-faced creep! I'll get you for this, ya lousy tightwad!

Receptionist: A letter came for you today, Mister... Ker. By the way, you're two weeks late with your rent.
Joker: (snatches the letter and stalks off) Sue me.
[Joker enters his run-down apartment room and slumps against the door. His hyenas, Bud n' Lou start barking/laughing as he enters.]
Joker: Alas. The bitter jest of fate. The once-mighty Joker without two nickels to rub together.
[Joker sits down on the couch. Bud n' Lou sit up on it, still laughing/barking.]
Joker: (To Bud n' Lou) Yeah, yeah, you're hungry, I'm hungry. Do me a favor and eat each other, will you?
[He tears open the letter and starts reading it]
Joker: 'Dear sir, we regret to inform you of the passing of Mister Edward aka 'King' Barlowe...' Ooh, there's good news. I hated him. '...who, in accordance with his last wishes, has bequeathed to you the total...' Two-hundred and fifty million dollars? WOOHOO!!! WOOHOO!!! WOO!!! Good ol' King Barlowe! I take back almost all the nasty things I ever said about him.
[He kisses the letter and turns to his hyenas]
Joker: Bud! Lou! Our ship has come in, boys! We're gonna spend, spend, spend! And I know just what we'll buy first.

[Batgirl and Nightwing have to stop a gang of disgruntled gangsters from killing Joker.]
Joker: Well done, kiddies!
Nightwing: We were trying to save innocent lives. You're just an unpleasant bonus.
Joker: Be that as it may, your grateful Uncle Joker wants to thank you. Here, stick this in your piggy banks!
[He hands each of them a banknote. Contemptuously, they crumple the notes and drop them, then walk away. Joker laughs, having encountered Batman's sidekicks without getting arrested.]
Joker: Let the good times roll!

[Harley sighs happily as she watches Joker prosper on the TV]
Poison Ivy: You're pathetic, you know that?
Harley Quinn: Come on, Red. So Mr. J. got a little stressed over money. Now that he's loaded, Puddin'll buy my way out, too!
Ivy: Oh, yeah... right. (shows Harley the newspaper frontpage) Sure thing, Harl.
Harley: (reading headline) "Joker seeks new henchgirl"?
(Exterior shot of Arkham)
Harley: I'LL KILL HIM!!!

Joker's lawyer: A hundred and thirty-seven million?
Joker: Yes! And if I don't pay I'll go to jail for tax evasion! I'm crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS?! No thank you!
Fake Harley: Hey, Mr. G? This money looks weird.
Joker: What do you mean? (Picks up a roll of banknotes) It's a plain ol' pack of hundreds. See? There's Ben Franklin's chubby little... (Looks closer) What? King Barlowe?! (It's King Barlowe's face, not Benjamin Franklin's, that's on the money. Joker runs over to an assembled block of banknotes) He's on this stack! And this one!
Fake Harley: He's on every one of these thousands.
Joker: I don't understand!

King Barlowe: (On deathbed, appearing on tape) Hiya, Joker. If you're playing this tape, you've probably figured out you've been had. Yeah, I left you some cash, but only ten million, which knowing you, you've already blown. All the other stuff - money, jewels, gold - it's all fake. See, I always hated your guts, and this was the perfect payback. By now, you're probably out of real money. The IRS is after ya, and you can't admit I fooled ya, or you'll be the laughing stock of the underworld. The joke's on YOU, sucker! I got the last laugh after all! (Laughs maniacally, trailing off into hacking coughs, and grabs his oxygen mask)
(Joker, infuriated, shoots the TV)

Joker: If I don't pay my taxes I'll go to jail, but if I admit Barlowe duped me I look like a fool!
Joker's lawyer: Maybe you can raise the money by pulling one of your classic routines, like them laughing fish?
Joker: Good idea, Ernie. Let's let Batman know I did it, SO HE CAN KICK MY KEISTER RIGHT BACK INTO ARKHAM!! (pushes his lawyer) Dope. Fake Harley, any ideas?
Fake Harley: Whatever you say, Mr. G. (laugh)
(Joker, angered, tries to shoot Fake Harley until his lawyer stops him)
Joker's lawyer: No, boss!
Joker: (Sighs) Whoever thought I'd miss the real one?

Joker: No laughing gas, no grins. No way Batboy could trace this back to me. (he and his henchmen get rocked by the boat) Hey, keep the boat in the water!
Fake Harley: This wasn't in the job description!

Joker: [being driven back to Arkham] Anyway, it'll be nice to see the old gang again.
Harley: One of them is dying to see you too, puddin'.
Joker: Harley?
Harley: The one and only.
Joker: You... you don't know how happy I am to see you!
Harley: [slapping a nightstick into her palm] Welcome to the club.
Joker: [laughs nervously]
[Cut to outside the van]
Joker: Now, baby, I can- (WHAM!) AH! - explain...! (POW!) OW! EEE! AH!

Growing PainsEdit

Tim Drake: He always treats me like a kid.
Alfred: Pardon me for saying so, but you are a kid.

Police Officer: (Talking to Commissioner Gordon who is nearby) We'll book him [Clayface] on the robberies and B and E, right? Anything else?
Robin: Yeah, murder.

Mean SeasonsEdit

Miss Solstice: No, please! I'm too young to die!
Calendar Girl: Honey, you're never too thin, and you're never too young.
Batman: Let her go!

Calendar Girl: Strange, isn't it? Dinosaurs have been dead for millions of years, yet they still get parts in movies. It hardly seems fair.

Batgirl: She's beautiful!
Batman: She can't see that anymore. All she sees are the flaws.

The Demon WithinEdit

Auctioneer: Tonight, we offer a number of fascinating artifacts from the so-called "Dark Ages". First on the block is this. It is rumored to have been the personal branding iron of the Arthurian Era witch, Morgan Le Fey. Legend has it this piece has some sort of magical power... Gotham Auctioneers, Limited, makes no such guarantee.

Klarion: (solemnly, to Etrigan) Do it. (Etrigan destroys a movie theater while Klarion looks on, laughing maniacally. Suddenly, an ice cream truck is heard.) Oooo! Ice cream!


Batman: [holding the branding iron, reversing the spell which separated Etrigan and Blood] The Witch's evil now undo, make the one from what is two!

Etrigan: Mother's Grief. Father's Shame. Soon he goes from whence he came.
Tim Drake: What does that mean?
Etrigan: I'm sending him to his room.

Over The EdgeEdit

Gordon: Bruce Wayne! Stop where you are!

Nightwing: I never thought it would end this way. For us or for Barbara. I still don't know everything that happened.
Batman: I'll never forget. I can see it as clearly as my parents' murder.

Bruce Wayne: [To his parents' portrait, as Gordon and the police come for him] I'm sorry.

Bruce Wayne: [answers ringing phone] Yes?
James Gordon: Wayne.
Wayne: Commissioner. What can I do for you?
Mr. Gordon: Drop the act. Ten minutes on Barbara's computer told me everything. Like a fool I allowed you to run wild on your private crusade. A psychotic misfit playing masked hero. Now I've paid for it with Barbara's life.
Wayne: Jim, believe me, I know how you feel.
Mr. Gordon: You can't.
Wayne: You know how I lost my parents. The only way I could hold onto my own sanity was to take matters into my own hands.
Mr. Gordon: That makes us even.

Batman: It's over, Tim. Gordon feels betrayed and maybe he was. He won't give up until he gets me. You have to leave me now. Give yourself up. No one will blame you for what happened.
Tim Drake: What about you?
Batman: I don't know.

Bane: We fight to the death?
Batman: It makes no difference now.

Gordon: There's no place to run, Wayne.
Bane: Good. I want to finish him slowly...
[Gordon fires a bullet near Bane's feet, stopping him from approaching Batman]
Gordon: I want him alive! Alive to rot away in Arkham, surrounded by the monsters he's created.
Bane: Poetic. But no! [attacks him]

Bane: [Bane has Batman by the throat near the broken Bat-Signal] Time to die!
Batman: You first.
[Batman cuts Bane's venom tube and sticks into the protruding Bat-Signal wires, electrocuting him]

Batman: (Grabs Barbara Gordon's shoulder) How do you feel?
Dr. Gordon: (removing breathing mask) Terrible.

Torch SongEdit

Bruce Wayne: Lucky you were here.
Batgirl: Sometimes it pays to get the cheap seats.

Harvey Bullock: Vincenzo, get some pictures. I'm gonna check the fridge.
Vincenzo: Yeah, there's a lot of evidence in there, Detective!
Bullock: Shut up.

Batgirl: Batman! Are you all right?
Batman: I'll live.

Batman: Why is Firefly after you?
Cassidy: You're not one for small-talk, are you?

Batman: Give it up, Lynns!

Love Is A CrocEdit

Judge: Have you anything to say before I pass judgement?
Croc: Yeah. I'm a victim of prejudice. Look at me! Nobody understands how rough my life's been. Just 'cause I'm different.
Judge: Nevertheless, it is the judgement of this court that you, Killer Croc, are competent to stand trial for murder in the first degree.
Croc: Competent! Competent?! That's an insult, you old bag of gas! I'm not just competent, I'm as good as it gets!

Batgirl: What do you suppose they do on a date?
Batman: I don't want to think about it.

Doll: What's black and white and radioactive for twenty-thousand years?
Croc: What?
Doll: Gotham City after the big boom, silly!
Croc: Uh huh. So now what? We call the cops and demand a pay off, right?
Dahl: No. We don't do anything.
Croc: What?! What are you saying?
Dahl: The "Kewpie Doll" knows all about your little excursions down to the docks. I won't let you betray me again. When the reactor reaches critical mass, you and I will die together, and take all of Gotham with us!

Batman: Can you stop it?
Batgirl: In a minute you'll either know, or won't care.

Season TwoEdit

The Ultimate ThrillEdit

Penguin: Ever been pursued by a bird of prey?
Roxy Rocket: Sorry, Pengy. Some things are just too scary, even for me.

Batman: Now we're playing my game... and you just lost.

CrittersEdit

Bullock: So you survive the Joker and the rest of those freaks only to buy it from Jed Clampett and a bunch of bugs - and I got to be here to see it!

Cult Of The CatEdit

Animal ActEdit

Robin: Nightwing! What are you doing here?
Nightwing: Oh, just following a pattern of obsessive behavior instilled in me at an early age.
Batman: You should work on your stealth skills. I heard you coming halfway across the rooftop.
Nightwing: Good to see you too.

Miranda Kane: Who are you?
Mad Hatter: A lonely wretch called Jervis Tetch, also known as...
Miranda Kane: The Mad Hatter!
Mad Hatter: At your service.

Old WoundsEdit

Alfred: Ms. Gordon, I fear you've discovered our little secret. Yes, I admit it, I am Batman.
Bruce: It's alright, Alfred.
Alfred: Very good, sir.

[Batman has just punched Bud and Lou, the Joker's pet hyenas]
Joker: Hey! Do I hit your kids? Oh, come to think of it, I do...

[Batman and Robin have dropped in through an overhead window]

Joker: Nice entrance. Either you've never heard of a door, or you like picking glass out of your tights

Legends Of The Dark KnightEdit

Joel: Hey! Who's talking about Batman? I love Batman. All those muscles, the tight rubber armor and that flashy car. I heard it can drive up walls.
Nick: Yeah, sure, Joel.

Mutant Leader: I show you who rules Gotham City!
80s Batman: Okay, son. Show me.

80s Batman: You don't get it, son. This isn't a trash heap. It's an operating table.
[breaks the Mutant leader's leg]
80s Batman: [rain running down his face] And I'm the surgeon.'

Girls' Nite OutEdit

Livewire: (after taking down Supergirl) At least Superman had the smarts to keep his distance. (tuts) Half the size, half the strength, and apparently, half the brains!

Bullock: I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but where's the Bat?
Batgirl: We're handling this.
Bullock: Oh, that's reassuring.

Ivy: Your hyenas have been watering my plants again.

Livewire: Are you out of your mind?!
Harley: (Thinks for a moment) Yeah.

Penguin: That's right, I need chainsaws, dumptrucks, hedge clippers, and a bottle of aspirin down here, NOW!
(Batgirl and Supergirl walk in.)
Penguin: We're closed. Besides, you aren't even old enough to come in here.
Supergirl: Wanna see my I.D.?
Penguin: No! I want Batman, Superman, or someone who can do something!
Batgirl: Like it or not, we're all you've got.

ChemistryEdit

Bruce: Everything's changed for me in the past few weeks. The pain of my parents' deaths... It's still there, but it seems smaller. And there's a new feeling now.
Barbara: Which would be?
Bruce: It's a lightness. A sense that things will work out for the best.
Tim: It's called happiness.
Bruce: Whatever it is, I like it. And I know who's responsible for it. I've asked Susan to marry me. She's accepted. She's everything I need. She's perfect.
Dick: There's just one problem. That.
[Dick nods over to the Batman's cape and cowl.]
Dick: How you gonna keep it from her?
Bruce: I won't have to. I've always assumed that sooner or later the three of you would get all this. Well, it's going to be sooner. I'm not going to be Batman anymore.

Bruce: I should have known. It was too easy.
Susan: Relationships aren't supposed to be easy. Even I know that and I'm a vegetable.

Judgment DayEdit

Penguin: I don't know who you are, sir, but I assure you, all my transactions were legitimate. You see, I had no actual knowledge that the items were stolen. Given that, I don't see how the law can touch me.
Judge: (Draws sword) I am the law - and I find you guilty!

Beware The CreeperEdit

[At the abandoned Ace Chemicals factory, news reporter Jack Ryder's crew is attacked with Joker gas.]

Jack Ryder: Hey! What's going on here?! We're live!
Joker: No, I'm live; you're dead! [gases him.]

Joker: Let's show the folks at home what really happened 7 years ago. I'll be Batman, you be me.
[Joker throws Jack Ryder into the vat of chemicals.]

Joker: [cornered by Batman and Robin.] How about that, Bats? You broke my face and got seven years of bad luck! Are you going to try for fourteen, or are you going to raise that anchorman out of the ocean?

[Ryder emerges from the sewers, mishapen and demented from exposure to the Joker gas and chemicals.]

Jack Ryder/Creeper: [chuckles maniacally.] Breaking news! [sinister.] And if you broke it, you have to pay for it. And now the weather: partially ga-ga with a fifty percent chance of schizophrenia! [lurches away, cackling.]

Creeper: [peaking through a bathroom window.] Excuse me, lady. I seem to be having a wee bit of an identity crisis... [the occupant screams and runs away.] Okay, I love you, buh-bye!

Creeper: [approaching an unconsious Harley Quinn.] Awww... Sweetie got a boo-boo?
[Harley wakes up and smacks the Creeper with her mallet]
Harley Quinn: Awww... Creepo got a concusion?

Creeper: [rooting through clothing at a thrift store.] No. Nope. No. No! [tries on a plastic Adam West-style Batman mask, then discards it.] It's been done. Any suggestions?
Thrift Store Clerk: [deadpan.] With your coloring, I'd go green.
Creeper: Gotcha.
...

[Emerging in his costume for the first time.]

Creeper: What about the boa? Too much?
Thrift Store Clerk: Not for you, baby.
Creeper: [intense.] I want to strike terror into the hearts of criminals.
Thrift Store Clerk: Cash or plastic?
[The Creeper slaps the Batman mask down on the counter.]
Creeper: Plastic! [manic chuckle.]
Thrift Store Clerk: Ha. Funny.

Joker: I can't believe it: the buzz on the street is that someone's stealing my routine! Isn't there any honor among thieves?

Creeper: [confronting the Joker's goons.] I know you. Last time we met, you were working for - dramatic pause - the Joker!
Henchman Mo: We don't know nothin' about no Joker, creep.
Creeper: Creep? Creep?! [beat.] I like it. My new name: the Creep? Nah wait, too negative... I have it! I am... drumroll, please. [Long pause.] I said "Drumroll, please"! [he drums on one of the goons' heads.]
Henchman Cur: Hey!
Creeper: I am... the Creeper! [grabs goon.] So tell me, from one sociopath to another, where's the Joker?
Henchman Lar: His girlfriend's throwin' him a party, invitation only.
Creeper: Darn it! Left the invite in my other pants! So, what's the address again?

[On seeing Harley Quinn for the first time, Creeper beckons smitten with her.]

Harley: Hey! You're the creep who's been stealing Mister J's act!
Creeper: Not me. I'm one of a kind, toots.
Harley: What do you want?
Creeper: The inside story on the Joker. Also your phone number. [flirtatious growl.]

[Harley Quinn has dropped a huge shipping crate on the Creeper.]

Batman: We have to get him out.
Robin: Got a mop?

[The Creeper emerges, unscathed.]

Creeper: Whoo! I like a girl who plays rough.
Robin: But... she just tried to kill you!
Creeper: You're young. You'll learn.
Batman: Who are you?
Creeper: [sinister] They call me... [melodramatic] ..."Yellow-Skinned Wacky Man"! [sinister again] But I prefer "the Creeper."
Robin: Call Arkham, quick.

Creeper: Jilted madman stalks crazy clown girl - film at eleven!
...
Robin: That's Jack Ryder? The news guy?
Batman: What's left of him.

Creeper: [confronting the Joker.] Wow! It does strike terror into the hearts of criminals!
Harley Quinn: He's the creep who's stealing your act!
Creeper: And that's not all, Mr. Happy! [grabs Harley and starts slobbering over her.] I'm stealing your girl, too!
Harley Quinn: I swear, Mr. J, I didn't encourage him.
Joker: [yanks her back into his arms.] That's okay, poo. I know you're a one-man loon.

Robin: [re. The Creeper.] Which way did he go?

[An explosion is heard.]

Batman: That way.

Creeper: Aww. Sweetie got a boo-boo?

[Harley hits him with a huge mallet.]

Harley Quinn: Aww. Creepo got a concussion?

[Surrendering to Batman, re. The Creeper.]

Joker: He's a lunatic!

Mad LoveEdit

Joker: May the floss be with you!

[Harley cuddles up to the Joker wearing a nightgown]
Harley: [seductively] A-hem. [The Joker ignores her] A-hem!
The Joker: Go away! I'm busy.
Harley: Aww, c'mon, Mr. J., don't you wanna rev up your Harley? Vroom-vroom!
[The Joker pushes her aside, annoyed]
Joker: Batman was right! That teeth gag was predictable. Old hat. It's time I capped off our feud with his ultimate humiliation... followed by his deliciously delirious death.
Harley: Why don't ya just shoot him?
Joker: [appalled] "Just shoot him"?! Know this, my sweet: the death of Batman must be nothing less than a masterpiece! The triumph of my sheer comic genius over his ridiculous mask and gadgets!

Harley: Face it, Harl, this stinks! You're a certified nutso wanted in 12 states and hopelessly in love with a psychopathic clown. At what point did my life go Looney Tunes?

Harley: [voiceover] It took me three months to set up a session. I studied all his tricks and gimmicks, and felt I was ready for anything.
The Joker: You know, my father used to beat me up pretty badly.
Harley: :[voiceover] Anything except that.
The Joker: Anytime I got out of line - POW! Or sometimes I would be just sitting there, doing nothing - BAM! Pops tended to favor the grape, you see.
Harley: [moved] Uh-huh.
The Joker: There was only one time I ever saw dad really happy. He took me to the circus when I was 7. I still remember the clowns, running around and dropping their pants. [laughs] My old man laughed so hard, I thought he'd bust a gut. So, the very next night, I ran to meet him with his best Sunday pants around my ankles. "Hi, dad, look at me!" ZOOP! [drop his pants] Then, I took a big pratfall and tore the crotch clean out of his pants! [He starts laughing; Harley laughs along with him until tears show in her eyes]
The Joker: ...And then he broke my nose.
[Harley abruptly stops laughing and looks at the Joker with concern]
The Joker: But hey, that's the downside of comedy. You're always taking shots from people who just don't get the joke. Like my dad... [snarls] or Batman!

Batman: You and the Joker?
Harley: Right-a-rooney!
[Batman begins, amazingly, to laugh]
Harley: I've never seen you laugh before! I don't think I like it!
[Batman continues, laughing even louder, cynically, cruelly and sardonically]
Harley: Cut it out! You're giving me the creeps!
Batman: You little fool! The Joker doesn't love anything except himself. Wake up, Harleen! He had you pegged for hired help the minute you walked into Arkham.
Harley: That's not... no. NO! He told me things! Secret things he never told anybody!
Batman: Was it his line about the abusive father? [Harley looks shocked] Or the one about the runaway mom? He's gained a lot of sympathy with that one.
Harley: Stop it! You're making me confused!
Batman: What was it he told that one parole officer? Oh, yes. "There was only one time I ever saw dad really happy. He took me to the ice show when I was seven..."
[Harley begins to sob]
Harley: [softly] The circus... He said it was the circus...
Batman: He's got a million of them, Harley.
[Harley pauses before wiping away her tears]
Harley: No! You're wrong, my puddin' does love me, he does!

[The Joker is pacing restlessly back and forth, trying to think of a plan to kill Batman. He has hundreds of them written on paper, and tosses each one aside and deems it unusable. The telephone rings repeatedly in the background.]
Joker: Boring. Lame. Not funny. It's been done. Too Riddler!
[The Joker, annoyed and angry, finally grabs the phone]
Joker: WHAT?!? ... [casually] Harley? Oh, where the heck have you been, hmm? Mm-hmm? Yeah, yeah... Batman, eh? You don't say... [suddenly sits bolt upright] YOU HAVE WHO TIED UP WHERE?!?

Harley: But puddin', I don't understand! Didn't you want to finally get rid of Batman?
Joker: Only if I do it, idiot!
Harley: But it's still your plan, see? [shows him his blueprints] Everything just like you said, except I hung the guy upside down so he sees the little frowns as little smiles! Now it all works!
Joker: Except you had to explain it to me! If you have to explain a joke, THERE IS NO JOKE! [tears up the blueprints in anger]
Harley: [grabbing a swordfish to defend herself] Now calm down, puddin'...
Joker: You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago. One of the painful truths of comedy: YOU ALWAYS TAKE SHOTS FROM FOLKS WHO JUST DON'T GET THE JOKE!
[He snatches the swordfish and whacks her with it, sending her tumbling out the window]
Joker: And don't call me "puddin'".

Joker: You know what they say: a bat in the hand is worth two in the belfry!

Batman: She almost had me, you know. Arms and legs chained, dizzy from the blood rushing to my head - I had no way out other than convincing her to call you. I knew your massive ego would never allow anyone else the honor of killing me. Though I have to admit, she came a lot closer than you ever did... "puddin'".

Harley: [weakly] My fault... I didn't get the joke...

Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [Bandaged in bed at Arkham, after her fall from the window] Never again. No more obsession, no more craziness, no more Joker. I finally see that slime for what he is: a murderous, manipulative, irredeemable...
[Sees a single rose in a vase near her bed, with a note reading "Feel better soon. - J" attached]
Harley: [Smiling] angel!

Related quotesEdit

From Superman: The Animated SeriesEdit

World's FinestEdit

Terrorist: Let's make an example of this hero. A very tragic example, I'm afraid, Miss...?
Lois Lane: Lane.
Terrorist: Lane? Lois Lane? The one Superman always saves?
Lois Lane: 'Fraid so.

Lois Lane: Um...Superman?
Superman: Yes?
Lois Lane: Um, how can I put this...I was just thinking, it might be nice to see each other when I wasn't--I don't know, falling out a window or something. Not that I'm not grateful for all the times you've helped me, you understand.
Superman: I understand.
Lois Lane: You do?
[explosion in the distance, bank robbers getting away]
Superman: It's the First National Bank.
Lois Lane: You better go. People might-- [Superman takes off] --get hurt. [starts walking dejectedly away] I understand, Lois. Really, you do! Yep, you're a complete moron. Why, thank you, Superman, I think I'm a total loser too...geez.

Lex Luthor: What makes you think you can kill Superman when you can't even handle a mere mortal in a Halloween costume?
Joker: [seizes Luthor by his jacket] There's nothing mere about that mortal.

Joker: [to Luthor] I sense we are kindred spirits, you and I. Although there are differences, to be sure... like hair.

Clark Kent: I hear Wayne's deal with Lexcorp could run into the billions. He's a high roller.
Lois Lane: I hear he's nothing but Gotham trash. Rich, spoiled, and-- [Bruce Wayne walks off the plane] --absolutely gorgeous.

Lex Luthor: The joint chiefs have shown tremendous interest. It doesn't take much imagination to envision these robots on the battlefield.
Bruce Wayne: Except...I won't allow it.
Lex Luthor: What?
Bruce Wayne: I don't like guns.
...
Bruce Wayne: Blame it on me, Lex. Tell your pals at the W:Pentagon...I just don't have the imagination.

Bruce Wayne: So, he just appears when there's trouble? No special signal?
Lois Lane: He's not like your Batman, thank goodness.

Superman: I heard you were crazy. I didn't think you were stupid. [uses X-ray vision to see through Batman's cowl] Bruce Wayne?
Batman: You peeked.

Lois Lane: Clark, keep an eye on Bruce, will you? I'll be right back.
Clark Kent: Actually, Lois--
Lois Lane: Don't be intimidated. Regale him with madcap tales of the nightlife in Smallville.

Clark Kent: Let's just say I'm concerned. Your reputation is...dubious, in and out of costume.
Bruce Wayne: Don't worry, I'm taking Lois quite seriously. [leans down] Besides, it seems to me you had your chance.

[Superman busts into a Lexcorp lab]
Joker: More powerful than a locomotive...and just about as subtle.

Joker: [to an incapacitated Superman] Feel free to expire at any time!

Superman: Thank you. I couldn't have saved Lois without your help.
Batman: I'm aware of that.

Bruce Wayne: I could always...ask him.

Lois Lane: [just saw Batman unmasked] So when were you gonna tell me--the honeymoon?

Lois Lane: How could you've lied to me like that?
Bruce Wayne: Now, I never actually said I wasn't Batman...ow!

Lois Lane: I'll get some iodine for that scrape. Burning, stinging iodine.

Joker: Look at all the toys! Santa's been good to you, Lex.

Batman: See anything?
Superman: Luthor's been lining his buildings with lead. It blocks my x-ray vision.
Batman: Well, there's always the direct approach.
Superman: [punches in the door, bows Batman inside]
Batman: You're learning.

Joker: Batman. It's always Batman!

[The Lexwing has just crashed into the ocean, exploding, with the Joker inside]
Harley Quinn: Puddin'!
Batman: At this point, he probably is.

Bruce Wayne: Come to make sure I'm leaving?
Clark Kent: Actually, I thought we worked pretty well together. Not that I want to make it a regular event.
Bruce Wayne: She's all yours, now--if you can handle that. But you'd better be good to her, 'cause I know where you live.

[Batman takes evidence and leaves]

Detective Harvey Bullock: Hey, he can't leave a crime scene with evidence.
Commissioner James Gordon: You want to stop him? Be my guest!

[to Bruce Wayne, on dating Lois Lane]

Joker: My, you do live dangerously. Don't you realize you're moving in on Superman's main squeeze?

Joker: Caesar Carlini, my old pal! Why I haven't seen you since... wait, I've never seen you, have I? You need to get out more.

'[Batman busts in on a Metropolis thug]

Batman: Where's the Joker?
Binko: Who knows? Making Ha-Ha with Harley Quinn.

Knight TimeEdit

Superman: I didn't think you were foolish enough to make trouble in my town.
Roxy Rocket: Well, with Batman missing, the other crooks in Gotham are picking the city clean. I thought I'd try my luck here.
Superman: Back up. What do you mean, Batman missing?
Roxy Rocket: I thought you'd know. Don't all you spandex boys have club meetings or something?
Superman: We're not exactly friends.
Roxy Rocket: Aww. I'll be your friend.

Superman: Where's your boss?
Robin: Around.
Superman: Okay, let's try this another way: where's Bruce?

Commissioner Gordon: This was taken by airport security two hours ago. I thought you'd be interested. [hands over a photo]
Superman-as-Batman: [takes it, stares at it nonplussed]
Commissioner Gordon: [points] Right here. Look familiar?
Robin: [wanders off a ways, whispers] Bane.
Superman-as-Batman: Ah, yes. Bane.

Robin: That was close.
Superman-as-Batman: [searching the utility belt for a grapple] You're telling me. The sooner we find your boss, the better.
Robin: Right side.

Robin: So how'd you do Batman's voice?
Superman: [As Batman] Precise muscle control. [As Robin] I also have a pretty good ear.
Robin: [Pauses, creeped out] Don't do that again.

Superman-as-Batman: All this sneaking around isn't exactly my style.
Robin: What do you mean? It's half the fun!

Robin: See what I mean about him acting strange? He's smiling!

The Penguin: Even if I did know where to find the Mad Hatter, I'm no stool pigeon. Why should I tell you?
Superman-as-Batman: A man's life is in danger. Isn't that enough?
The Penguin: You're breaking my heart.
Robin: [Whispers] Kick over the desk. [Superman looks uncertain, hesitating] Just do it!
Superman-as-Batman: [Kicks the desk over and into the wall] I won't ask twice.
The Penguin: All right, no need to get your feathers ruffled. It happens our capped compadre is attending a meeting of notable ne'er-do-wells. They're hatching a plot to capitalize on your... purported disappearance.
Superman-as-Batman: [Lifts him of the ground by his collar] Where?
Robin: Now he's gettin' it.

Bane: By combining our talents, we will rule Gotham City. Anyone we wish to imprison, you, Riddler, will entrap. Any from whom we require allegiance, you, Hatter, will control. And any that stand in our way, I will break.

Robin: He's really being controlled by aliens? Eugh.
Superman: I'm deeply hurt.
Robin: Sorry.

Batman: I hear the city's been busy.
Superman: Nothing the kid couldn't handle. I have to say, for a guy who's supposed to be such a loner, you sure know how to pick a partner.

From the comic book Batman: Gotham AdventuresEdit

Joker: [to Batgirl] Yikes, what does Guano-man do? Send you all to Sidekicks' Pun School? You're even more irritating than the boy.

Joker: [checking a map] Let me see... let me see... This can't be Pismo Beach. No sand. I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

[As Batman attempts to make sense of Riddler's wordplay using the Batcomputer]
Joker: Only you would solve a riddle with a computer, Butt-man! You've got the sense of humour of a rock! Lucky thing I'm on the team now, for stuff like this. But if I have to wear a flying animal costume, I want to be the Squirrel.
Batman: Don't make me gag you.
Joker: You do and I'll sue. I have the right to remain noisy.

From Kids' WB! promosEdit

Batman: Time for bed.
Tim Drake: All right, but a deal's a deal!
Batman: No way.
Tim Drake: You promised!
Batman: Rrrrg. [singing] Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff, Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee... All right, good night.
Tim Drake: The whole thing!
Batman: Hmmmph. [singing] Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff, Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee...

Robin: Hey, I put the capes in the dryer!
Batman: Huh?
Robin: On extra hot!
Batman: [strictly] Dry clean only.
Robin: Euuuh...
[Later]
Batman: How do you expect me to fight crime wearing this?! [turns around to reveal his cape is the size of a baby bib]

[teaching Robin to drive the Batmobile]
Batman: Let's take it by the numbers, nice and easy...
[the Batmobile speeds off]
Batman: Brake, brake! Don't look at me, keep your eyes on the road!
[CRASH!]
Batman: Rrrrggh! You know what this means...
[Robin pedals to their next caper on a bicycle]

Joker: Hey folks! Joker here with the Kids' WB! Guide to Villainy. Today's lesson: hand gestures. Here we see the 'Come and get me' finger curl that no superhero can resist.
[Harley Quinn performs said finger curl at Superman and shoots him with a grappling gun, knocking him down.]
Joker: Nice form, Harley!

External linksEdit

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