The Mighty Boosh (2004–) is a surreal cult comedy which started as a stage show and then as a radio programme. It began on television as a show about two slightly hapless zookeepers under the supervision of Bob Fossil. It then took place in a flat in Camden Town in series 2 and in a store, "Nabootique," in series 3.
- Howard: I'll take you out for a meal with Mr and Mrs. Pain. Order up some violent quiche.
Trapped in cabinets.
Can he get out?
Will he get out?
Course he will.
- Fossil: The anti-pedian, masheeun, The Killeroo!
- Howard: What's all that about, I didn't know anything about that.
- Vince: Come on, it's just hype, you'll get the same treatment.
- Howard: Will I?
- Vince: Wait 'till you hear your introduction, come on [reassuring Howard]
- Fossil: Aaaaand fighting the Killeroo: Howard Mooooooon [silence in the crowd]
[under breath] Former male prostitute...
- Vince: Sit down. Now, that was possibly the weakest start to a boxing match ever. But don't worry alright?
Dance around a bit, bob and weave O.K? And keep him at bay with your jab alright? Just punch him in the snout alright? Howard, Howard?
- Howard: Have you come about the croutons?
- Vince: Just punch the big mouse. [inserts gum shield into Howard's mouth]
- Vince: [Recollections and flashbacks flashing on screen] All the images, what do they mean? How do you Kill-A-Roo?
- Australian: His balls mate, grab his flamin' balls.
- Vince: Oh right.
- Australian: [shakes head] Christ you're thick.
- Bob Fossil: [Addressing children] Why are you people so small? I can rest my drinks on your heads.
- Howard: Sometimes I wish I could take all my skin off and writhe about.
- Mrs. Gideon: That's disgusting.
- Howard: No, it's a metaphor.
- Mrs Gideon: Still disgusting.
- Howard: I'd like to think that I will be remembered many years after my own death.
- Vince: What for?
- Howard: For the things I say and do.
- Vince: The things you say? Like what, "Have you seen my light blue trousers?", "Can I have a crisp?"
- Vince: Your head's a bit like a man's thigh.
- Howard: What? There's such a thing as having too much going on in your face you know?
All a bit too busy. All the features, jostling for position, yeah? The eyes screaming out?
The nose? Very visually noisy, your face.
- Vince: Visually noisy?
- Howard: Yeah, it's like a brass band under a wig. Marching towards me every day.
- Vince: Look at your face, ambient, pure ambience, it's like The Orb's third album.
- Howard: Having fun are you? Gonna do a portrait are you?
- Vince: Yeah, I might have a go at her nude.
- Howard: [Grabs Vince by the neck] Let me tell you something, O.K? You go near her with a paint brush,
I'll come at you like a mighty bazooka. I love that lady. Right?
- Vince: Listen, start any of that funny business?
- Howard: Yeah or else?
- Vince: You touch me, Bollo'll rinse you out like a hot flannel.
- Dixon Bainbridge: Make something up you prick, tell them he got eaten by the python.
- Fossil: The who?
- Dixon Bainbridge: The windy man, the long mover.
- Fossil: Oh yeah...
- Howard: ...not as outlandish as they would have been if you had not you spent half the budget on your hair.
- Vince: My hair's an intrinsic ingredient to this show. Do you mind?
- Howard: Do you really need fifteen people working on it at any one point.
- Vince: At least. Two for fringe. One for feathering. One for height. Circumference?
- Howard: Circumference?
- Vince: Yeah hair circumference, there's a lot to think about with hair.
If, if my barnet don't look right, people get furious, they tune out immediately.
- Howard: I think you underestimate the power of my acting to hold a crowd.
- Vince: I don't think so.
- Howard: I don't need a funny little hair-do for that. I do my own hair.
- Vince: The council does your hair.
- Ape of Death: Howard Moon, you are to be thrown into the pit of eternal fire for heinous crimes.
- Howard: But Bollo lead a clean life?
- Ape of Death: Yeah, but you bummed that fox.
- Howard: That's just a rumour.
- Ape of Death: No smoke without fire...which, incidentally, you'll be seeing quite a bit of from here in on!
- Howard: Just imagine the headlines; "Howard Moon, colon, Explorer." Got a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
- Vince: "Colon explorer"? I think that's got the wrong ring to it.
- Dixon Bainbridge: I understand it took Howard Moon one month to grow that moustache. Check the insect cabinet, I think we're one caterpillar short!
- Fossil: I want everyone to mind their P's and Q's. That means NO effin' and Jeffin'.
- Howard: Pass me the first of his last words. Come on.
- Vince: Get off, gettin' them in the right order.
- Howard: We're not playing scrabble, just come on, bring it on.
- North Pole Native: That is an interesting story, but now we must eat. You must dine with us and try the local delicacy. [Other native vomits on a plate]
- Howard: Yeah, not actually that hungry.
- North Pole Native: We will be very offended if you do not eat with us.
- Howard: Suppose I could try a little bit. [Takes a spoon full and eats some vomit] Mmmm.
- North Pole Native: Ah here comes the food now, sandwiches my favourite. Somebody clear this sick away.
- Dixon Bainbridge: Listen here you Icey bastard, let's set some ground rules.
- Tommy: There are only two kinds of men who venture into the jungle at this time of night: a fool or an idiot.
- Vince: Who are you?
- Rudi: I go by many names.
- Vince: Well, what are they, then?
- Rudi: I'm getting round to that in my own good mystical time.
- Howard: Tommy was a dreamer. We all dream ... but do we really dream?
- Vince: Yeah. We do.
- Howard: Yeah, but do we really dream?
- Vince: Yeah, we do. What's your point?
- Vince: You've got to accept it, Howard. We all die.
- Howard: We all die, but do we really die?
- Vince: What is that?
- Howard: Something Tommy taught me. Never stop questioning the nature of reality.
- Vince: I know you're questioning the nature of reality, but are you really questioning it?
- Howard: Now you're getting it.
- Vince: I am getting it ... but am I really getting it?
- Howard: That's enough now.
- Vince: It is enough, but is it really enough?
- Howard: [Singing] ...where are you now Tommy.
- Vince: He's dead.
- Howard: He's not dead.
- Vince: He is dead, he fell in the ocelot pit everyone knows that.
- Howard: They never found his body?
- Vince: They never found his body? They munched him down like an old Twix.
- Fossil: [Rubs nipple] What do you know about Tommy, Tommy's dead.
- Howard: They never found Tommy's body, so under zoo regulation 409 subsection C, he's technically still the owner of the zoo and you can't sell it. Thanks.
- Fossil: Oh yeah, well let me show you something, this is a contract, it said that Tommy owned the zoo, but in the event of his disappearance, after ten years, it reverts back to Bainbridge. Suck on that sub section.
- Vince: Hey Naboo. How are you? I can't believe Bainbridge is selling the zoo.
- Naboo: He's a ballbag.
- Vince: What you gonna do, you'll probably be alright won't you, you're a shaman, it's pretty specialist job.
- Naboo: I might transform myself into a mighty hawk.
- Vince: Into what?
- Naboo: [Whispers] Mighty hawk.
- Vince: WOW
- Naboo: Either that or I'll work in Dixon's, I haven't decided.
- Vince: Do you remember when that llama got out? He went awol, he went crazy. Started HOOFIN' the public. Do you remember? Oh he was out there HOOFIN' doctors HOOFIN' Vicars, he got in the gift shop, put a false moustache on, a little girl came in and went "can I have a pencil top" HOOOOF! Haha, hoofed her out the shop. No one could get near that llama, but you Howard. You got off with it...
- Howard: ...Yeah, it's one of the few ways to calm a llama down.
Calm-a-llama deep down in the ocean blue
like a barnacle
sittin' in a tight place
laughin' like a monkey arm,
pullin' like a China boy
Boing ching cha masala
Boing ching cha masala
OOOOOOOooooo Tooth Tooth [Inhalation]
- Tommy: Cheese is a kind of meat
A tasty yellow beef
I milk it from my teat
But I try to be discrete.
- Vince: You're in for a Hubba-Bubba nightmare.
- Simon McFarnaby: [Has a brown layer of skin around his head making him look like a conker]
I've got something lined up for the Autumn
- Vince: I bet you have...
- Simon McFarnaby: Hmm?...
- Howard: So, er... just wanna say that erm it's great to have you on the show, great to be working with you. I'm really really looking forward to working with you and just working and being with you and things.
- Simon McFarnaby: Thanks, well I'll go and get warmed up.
- Howard: Alright, O.K
- Vince: Why don't you go and put your head in some vinegar...?
- Vince: This is the best job in the zoo: Millet distribution.
- Howard: Something wrong with you, you know that don't you?
- Vince: What do you mean?
- Howard: Well you're always happy aren't you, everything's fun for you. Huh? You see a peanut? The day's of to a good start. You witness some soil? It's a jamboree for Vince Noir. I need something more
- Vince: I think it's this poncho, I mean it's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho. I'm gonna get a sombrero as well. Image that: A poncho-sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.
- Vince: I write novels. They're Charlie books.
- Howard: They're Charlie books?
- Vince: Yeah.
- Howard: What, that pink shape that you draw?
- Vince: Yeah. Charlie. Charlie is genius, right, he's made of a million pieces of old bubblegum. Imagine that. In the summer of 1976 on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt onto the pavement. It was too hot in L.A, and he melted like a pink bitch. Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slicers. He poured him into an antique soup ladle and boarded his magic carpet. Destination: Alaska. Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie. but in his cold blooded, reptilian haste, he refroze him into the shape of a hoover. Charlie wasn't phased though, he just zoomed about the place sucking up Inuits. The Inuits didn't mind, they loved it in Charlie's pink, tight, warm belly pouch and they refused to come out. Charlie said "I'm cool with that" and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately; it was air tight in there. Charlie panicked and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers. The green shape, was frozen. After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Phillips' magic carpet and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt, he'd just killed fifty Inuits, no one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, yrumpets and spanners.
- Howard: That's not a novel, that's the scribblings of a retard.
- Vince: They are novels, they're novelettes.
- Howard: It's in crayon, you birk.
- Vince: So what? I'm new school.
- Howard: New school? I'm talking about books that are gonna get published.
- Vince: Mine are published, I publish them myself.
- Howard: You photocopy them and you leave them lying around supermarkets, inside Weetabix boxes. That's not published, is it?
- Fossil: Well I got a problem with the black and white people at the zoo.
- Howard: Who?
- Fossil: You know, the black eyes Chinese people that eat sticks?
- Howard: The pandas...
- Fossil: [Doing impression of Howard] "Oh, I'm Howard Moon, I know how to read, I know all the animals names at the zoo" [Rubs Nipple] ...Yeah the pandas.
- Mrs Gideon: Who are you?
- Howard: Howard Moon, I work here at the zoo.
- Mrs Gideon: Why do you have crumbs round your eyes?
- Howard: Oh, that's just me and Vince, been playing, er, games... crumb eye, we have to get crumbs in, er, each others eyes... and erm, winner get a, rake. That's a good book. I like that book.
- Mrs Gideon: Oh have you read it?
- Howard: Oh yeah, yeah twice I read it, erm once the original and then in the paperback. Really related to the character of erm, Jonathan, thought he was great.
- Mrs Gideon: The serial killer?
- Howard: Yeah, I mean in as much as, you know, we've all, we can all relate to a killer, erm, I mean in our minds, we've all killed in our minds.
- Mrs Gideon: What are you talking about?
- Howard: Well... as a writer it's erm, it's something that I, I have to do, I have to get involved in the darker side of the human psyche.
- Vince: [Impersonating the wind] It was pretty good though wasn't it? Sounded exactly like the wind.
- Howard: Yeah, and it was blowing a gale through my mind.
- Vince: I can do other elements.
- Howard: Can you really? Can you do fog...?
- Vince: Howard?..Howard?...Howard?...Howard?..Howard?..Howard..Howard..Howard..Howard...Howard?..Howard. Howard.
- Howard: This better be good.
- Vince: You know the black bits in bananas, are they tarantula's eggs?
- Howard: ...Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.
- Vince: What's your novel about?
- Howard: It's about a genius who can't get anything done because of a monkey that keeps annoying him.
- Vince: You've made a classic error.
- Howard: Have I?
- Vince: What you've done is you've focused in on the wrong character, yeah? Now, the monkey, I'm loving him, but the other guy, I'm getting nothing off him. He sounds like a dick.
- Vince Noir: Sorry about earlier. I behaved like a tit. I was having problems coping with the stardom.
- Howard Moon: Stardom? You've only been in the band since 10:30 this morning.
- Vince Noir: Yeah, but you know: the lifestyle, the drugs...
- Howard Moon: The drugs?
- Vince Noir: Yeah, well, you know, the coffees. I've had three lattes, and an Americano. I'm blazin'!
- [Howard shows up to play in the band.]
- Howard Moon: Ladies...
- Vince Noir: Howard!
- Howard Moon: Hi.
- Neon: No way... not the simpleton!
- Vince Noir: He's a musical genius!
- Ultra: Well, he better be. He looks like a paedophile.
- Howard: Who are you, dealing out stories in chunks? Johnny Segment?
- Bob Fossil: Technically, you're not a Peeping Tom if it's one of your relatives.
- Naboo: Who are you?
- Bryan Ferry: I am Bryan Ferry!
- Naboo: Have you ever seen Bryan Ferry?
- Bryan Ferry: Yeah, what's your point?
- Naboo: You look like Terry Wogan.
- The Hitcher: [telling the story of his giant thumb] I didn't know what was happening, for days I was in a trance, but when I came to, there it was, like a fleshy maraca: a thumb of GIGANTIC proportions! "A miracle! A miracle!" I said. "You're a true wizard, how can I ever repay you!?" And he said to me "Five hundred euros". "FIVE HUNDRED EUROS!? YOU WON'T SEE PENNY ONE FROM ME, YOU SLAG!". And as I raised my thumb up to smash his tiny skull in, I could see in his little insect face, I could see him thinking "Oh, I created that monster! I created that thumb, and now it's killing me! My own beast and creation, killing me dead! The sweet irony!". I think he was saying that, although it was a long time ago, and in hindsight, he could've just been shitting himself!
- The Hitcher: "(Playing slap bass) Ohhh, you love it you slags!"
- The Hitcher: [singing] Trapped in a box by a cockney nutjob, have a cup of tea, have a cup of tea! I'm the Hitcher, let me put you in the picture, creeping in you room in the dead of night, with me solo polo vision!
- Piper Twins: That's right!
- The Hitcher: I'm a cockney geezer, watch me bleed ya! I knew the Ripper when he was just a nipper, I taught him how to slice, I cut him up a treat! Pound ya banana!
- Piper Twins: Two pound ya pear!
- The Hitcher:Pound ya banana!
- Piper Twins: Two pound ya pear!
- The Hitcher: Pound ya banana!
- Piper Twins: Two pound ya pear!
- The Hitcher: Fourteen shillings for your melons!
- Piper Twins: Oh yea! We're the Piper Twins! We're Jim and Jackie Piper! We cut through the night like a windscreen wip-ing you away, like raindrops, don't mess with the boys!
- The Hitcher: Shut yer noise! Coming in strong like a freakshow nightmare, dancing skeletons, white blue and yellow uns, moving through the shadows with the speed of a cat, and if you cross us, we'll cut ya!
- Piper Twins: And you ain't gonna like that!
- The Hitcher: I'm bad juju! I use voodoo if I chose to, to harness the forces of evil to abuse you! With power, a polo, an evil magnet, we're sucking out ya soul!
- All: And you ain't gonna like that!
The Call of the YetiEdit
- Kodiac Jack: Book? No book will help you when there's a grizzly on the loose. [throws it out the window and knocks out a grizzly bear]
- Kodiac Jack: Listen, boy. Have you ever had your scrotum pulled off by a mountain goat and seen him sell it on eBay a day later?
- Howard: No.
- Kodiac Jack: Have you ever been rohypnolled by a swan and ended up in Cancun?
- Howard: No.
- Kodiac Jack: Have you ever been to a key party with a herd of rhinos?
- Howard: No.
- Kodiac Jack: Well, I have. And it ain't purdy!
The Priest and the BeastEdit
- Rudi: Is it so wrong for a man to love a guitar?
- Spider: Yes, it is when he puts his balls inside it and strums himself to ecstasy!
- Spider: This is all like Woodstock all over again. The idea is you play and then you scram! But oh, no, you wouldn't listen, would you? You wanted to hang around, didn't you? And then we got roped into tidying up. Me, you and Carlos Santana, hoovering for six weeks!
- Rudi: Somebody had to clean up that mess.
- Spider: We should have split like The Who. They were off in a shot! I didn't see Roger Daltrey in no flippin' apron. [At the end of the episode Daltrey himself is seen hoovering the set, wearing a pink apron]
- Vince: Goth Juice... the most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.
- Vince: Where could she be? How do we find an old lady?
- Howard: An old Comanche Indian saying; "The best place to hide a leaf is in the forest."
- Vince: You think she's in the forest?
- [After asking the Moon for directions]
- Saboo: You see, that is why you do not ask the Moon!
- Tony Harrison: Listen, I took a chance. We asked the Moon, I didn't know he was an alabaster retard, did I?!
The Fountain of YouthEdit
- Howard: I don't accessorize. I'm Howard Moon. There's a simple truth to me.
- Vince: Howard? Do you think it's going to be all right?
- Howard: No. We're going to die in the most horrific way known to man.
- Vince: We had some good times though, didn't we?
- Howard: Yeah... Remember the time we had that soup?
- Vince: [Laughs] That was brilliant.
- Both: Soup, soup, a tasty soup, soup, a spicy carrot and coriander.
- Vince: Chili chowder!
- Both: Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am gazpacho, oh, I am a summer soup, oh! Miso, miso! Fighting in the dojo, miso, miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!
- Vince: Ah, classic times.
- Howard: Crazy days.
- The Hitcher: Alle-bleeding-luia! I knew it, boy! I had a strange feeling in the pit of me stomach when I woke up this morning. At first I thought it was the crab sticks, but now it all makes sense! The amulet, it's come back at last! When I get that amulet, and get to the Fountain of Youth, I'll rule the Universe, with an army of green bitches, marching and destroying everything in their cockney wake!
The Legend of Old GreggEdit
- [Talking about Old Gregg]
- Lucian: Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say its more of a 70/30 split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.
- Colin: Some say he's a ghost; can't catch what don't exist... Hook goes right through him.
- Lucian: Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat, won't respond to conventional bait; only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.
- The Moon: Some say Old Gregg is like a big fish finger, but big like, umm... like a garage. As big as a garage. Imagine a fish finger as big as a garage! Oooh, it's a big one!
- Old Gregg: What're you doing in my waters?
- Howard Moon: Just taking the air, you know. Not fishing!
- Old Gregg: Then how come there's a hook in my head, fool?
- Howard Moon: It's nothing to do with me, sir.
- Old Gregg: It's attached to your rod, motherlicker!
- Howard Moon: [crying] Don't kill me! I've got so much to give!
- Old Gregg: Want to come to a club where people wee on each other?
- Howard Moon: No!
The Nightmare of Milky JoeEdit
- Howard: Okay, we've got to pool our resources. Tweezers, matches, twine, geological hammer. What have you got?
- Vince: Kings of Leon CD.
- Howard: Great. Well, that's useless, isn't it?
- Vince: It's not useless, it's a blinding album. Better than their first one, and they came up with it really quickly.
- Howard: Thanks, NME. It's useless to us on a desert island though, isn't it?
- Vince: Well, it does double up as a mirror. [stares at his reflection in the CD]
- Howard: I've actually written a short piece whilst on the island called "Isolation." Perhaps I could play it now?
- Vince: Maybe later, eh?.
- Howard: Yeah, maybe later.
- Vince: Maybe not at all.
- Howard: ... Yeah, maybe later.
- The Hitcher: [in coconut form] Roll up, roll up! The coconut shy, everyone's a winner! One euro, that's all I'm asking! Grease my cockney palm, and you can throw balls to your hearts' content! Knock their murdering smiles right off their faces! I wanna see twisted bone and meat all over the back wall by the time I'm finished!
- Eleanor: I'm a woman in the prime of her life who needs love-squeezins!
- Howard: The tweed utility patch: scuffproof, weatherproof, even bulletproof, sir.
- The Hitcher: Are you bulletproof, boy?
- Howard: ... Don't know sir.
- The Hitcher: You enjoy that boy? Cockney urine all over your face?
Journey to the Center of the PunkEdit
- Howard: What are you angry about?
- Vince: Government.
- Howard: Government? Ooohh.
- Vince: And climate change.
- Howard: Climate change?
- Vince: It's getting hot, Howard. Haven't you noticed?
- Howard: Why do you care about that? Because it makes your hair a little more difficult to straighten?
- Vince: That, and it's a bit clammy.
- Vince: I don't pick stuff up, I knock stuff down!
The Power of the CrimpEdit
- Howard: Come on then, let's have it. Every day you're late and every day another crazy excuse. What is it this time? Lego avalanche trapped you, did it? Your pajamas turned into nitrogen and you got stuck on the ceiling of your bedroom? Giant kingfisher came into your room and pecked you under the duvet? Got your jodphurs caught on a magic hedgehog? I write them down, you know. What is it? A scarecrow took you to Paris?
- Vince: I just had a few things to do, that's all.
- Howard: That's not funny. That's not even going in the book. That's awful.
- Vince: Not everything has to be funny you know... sometimes life can take a serious turn, colours can fade to black.
- Howard: Have you got my script?
- Vince: All he needs now is a tall northern jazzy freak with a moustache and no dress sense.
- Howard: Is this how you win people over?
- Vince: Ah, look, I can't express myself like you! I haven't got a pencil case story! He's tryin' to drive a wedge between us, Howard! We've got history! We're like ying and yang!
- Howard: Yeah, well, I'm not gonna take him up on his offer, you know. I don't need him. I've already got a shallow mate who dresses like a... futuristic prostitute.
- Vince: [smiles] Thanks, Howard.
- Vince, Howard, Naboo and Bollo:
- Tube Mouse, I love you so,
- I took you from the underground,
- And brought you home,
- Put you in my jacket pocket,
- And took you to the meeting,
- Put you in my jacket pocket,
- And took you to the meeting.
The Strange Tale of the Crack FoxEdit
- Howard: I'm going to Jazzercise. Working out to hot be-bop. Circuit training to John Coltrane.
- Dennis: When it comes to drug-taking, I think you'll find that Kirk leaves us all in the dust!
- Tony Harrison: What's he looking at?
- Dennis: Nobody knows. Kirk is journeying far into the astral realm.
- Tony Harrison: He's off his tits!
- Dennis: Naboo, the time has come for your execution. It is not a task any of us wanted, and so to protect the identity of the executioner, he shall be wearing a hood.
- [Cut to Tony Harrison, in a black executioner's mask, trying to get up the guillotine's steps]
- Tony Harrison: I can't get up these stairs! What is this bullshit!? I asked for a ramp!
- Naboo: [sarcastically] I wonder who that is!
- Saboo: Maybe we should have got someone with legs to do this!
- Crack Fox: "I'm gonna make you wear a little dress and hurt you"
- Crack Fox: "Imma done a tummy shame"
- Crack Fox: "Bludgeon my face in. Destroy me. Pull me apart like soft bread. Punch me in the...tits! Twist my head clean off and put me to sleep with your kind boots, Mr. Fancy Man."
- Crack Fox: [in reference to his diet] "Head and Shoulders...Toothpaste...and shit...biiiiiiiiig pieces of shit."
- Tony Harrison: I have ordered not one, not two, but three crates of poppers! We are having it large!
- Dennis: Where is Mrs. Harrison in all this?
- Tony Harrison: She's staying with her sister in Bournemouth. I just have to find a quiet spot, tell her I'm going to bed at half nine and carte blanche! I am greenlit the whole way!
- Dennis: [believing Lester to have been with his wife] Prepare to die, you prancing tit! [he beheads Lester] And let that be a lesson to the lot of you!
- Tony Harrison: Dennis, you dinlo! What the fuck are you doing!? That's the wrong geezer!
- Tony Harrison: Feel my multi-hexagonal textured alien barbed penis inside of you!
- Bob Fossil: Hey, Moon, who are you? Zorro on Gay Night? [Howard says nothing.] Nice comeback.
- Montgomery Flange: Lesson 49: Object Animation. What do you see in front of you?
- Howard Moon: A pencil.
- Montgomery Flange: A pencil? No, no, no! Look, it's Niagara Falls, it's a seagull, it's cheese in the shape of a question mark! It's anything you bloody want it to be! You try!... Come on!
- Howard Moon: I don't know what to do. I can't make it into anything else. It's just a pencil, you stupid old git!
- Montgomery Flange: Yes! You've found the truth! You're an actor now and I'm as hard as the cobra!
From the 2006 TourEdit
- Vince & Howard [Crimping] Eagle claw, eagle claw. B-b-boing boing. Take the fashion coin. Store it in the pocket of your bumbag take it to Milan, take it to Japan, take it to the man with the fashion plan Jaquettie.
- Rudi: [to a heckler] Shut your mouth, or I shall fly at you like a bag of cocks.
- Vince: And you will receive him like a satchel of vaginas. Tag team putdowns.
- Vince: [as a Russian woman] Last time you gave me pie, I cut into it with my tiny pie-cutter, and millions of birds flew out, hitting me in the eyes and the temples! I was confused! 'Twas a trick pie!
- Howard: Why you no like my pie?
- Vince: I just told you.
- Howard: Why you no like my pie?! AAAAHHHH!
- Vince: Why you bring me pie?!
- Howard: Why you no like?!
- Vince: Every day, fucking pastry goods with you!
- Vince: Howard Moon: Jazz Maverick, Novelist, Cyclist, Genre-Spanner, Rider of the Penny Farthing, Stamp Collector...
- Howard: [Introducing Vince] Vince Noir; Electro... Poof!
- The Hitcher: Two hundred years inside that box! For crimes against humanity! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I raped a dolphin. But technically it was a porpoise. But one blow-hole's the same as the next to me!
- [Rudi and The Hitcher are swordfighting.]
- Rudi: You'll never win, you know.
- The Hitcher: Oh, yeah? Why's that?
- Rudi: I taught you everything you know
- The Hitcher: You might have taught me everything I know, but you didn't teach me everything you know.
- Rudi: ... What does that mean?
Rudi The Forest is a cheeky one tonight.
Vince: The forest is a cunt tonight.
- The Hitcher: Ah, fuck it. [they continue to fight]
- Come with us now, on a journey through time and space, to the world of The Mighty Boosh!
- The Boosh is loose and we're a little bit raw!
- The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a shark with knees!
- The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a wet flannel!
- The Boosh is loose and it's coming at you like a typhoon with the flu!
- Boosh! Boosh! Stronger than a moose! Don't lock your door or we'll come through your rooftop!
- The Boosh is loose; see it or throw your eyes in the bin!
- Bouncy Bouncy, Ohh such a good time!