The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (Japanese: 涼宮ハルヒの憂鬱, Suzumiya Haruhi no Yūtsu) is a Japanese science-fiction comedy anime, based on a series of light novels of the same title.
Note: All episodes are listed in order of chronological progression, as opposed to the anachronic broadcasting order.
- Mikuru: That's classified information.
- [ everyone ]: ... three years ago ...
- Yuki Nagato: Correct.
Season 1 (2006)Edit
Episode 1: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 1Edit
- Kyon: [Narrating] Okay, asking somebody how long they believed in Santa Claus is a crock of bullshit, you can't even consider the topic suitable for idle conversation. But if you still wanna know how long I believed in some old fatass who wears a fucking red suit, I can tell you this: I've never believed in him, ever. The Santa that showed up at my kindergarten Christmas festival, I knew it was a crock of shit. And I never saw mommy kissing Santa or anything. But I have to say, that even as a little kid, I knew better than to believe in some old ass man that only worked one day a year. Now, having said that, it wasn't until I got older that I realized that aliens, time travelers, ghosts, monsters, espers, evil syndicates and the anime/manga/fantasy flick heroes that fight said evil syndicates, were also fake. Okay, I guess I always knew those things were bullshit stories, I just didn't wanna admit it. All I ever wanted was for an alien, time traveler, ghost, monster, esper, evil syndicate, or the hero that fought them to just appear and say "Hey". Unfortunately, reality is a pain in the ass. Yep, you gotta admit, the laws of physics definitely puts a diaper on things. I even stopped watching those TV shows about aliens and ghosts and shit. Aliens, time travelers, espers; course they don't exist, but a little part of me wishes that they did. I guess I've grown up and realized I can think about those things and still accept reality. But by the time I got out of junior high, I pretty much outgrew that horseshit and I guess I got used to the idea of living in an ordinary world. Just like that, I was in high school...that's when I met her.
- [Haruhi introduces herself to the rest of her class]
- Haruhi: I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, from East Junior High. First off, I'm not interested in ordinary people. But, if any of you are aliens, time-travelers, or espers, please come see me. That is all!
- Kyon: [Thinking] Is that supposed to be funny?
- Haruhi: Feelings of love are just a temporary lapse in judgment. Like a mental illness.
- [Kyon is talking with Haruhi before homeroom the day after Haruhi got her hair cut.]
- Kyon: [Narrating] Ever since that day, talking to Haruhi right before homeroom started becoming sort of a ritual. [Aloud] So, is it true that you've dumped every guy you've ever dated?
- Haruhi: And just what the fuck gives you the right to ask me a question like that? I don't know about anything you've heard. Whatever. You wanna believe that shit? It's probably true.
- Kyon: Well, with all that dating crap, isn't there at least one guy you were even a little serious about?
- Haruhi: Hell no. They all took themselves way too seriously, and not even one of those dicks was an alien, time traveler, or even an esper.
- Kyon: That's how people are normally.
- Haruhi: Okay, so what's with most of them asking me out over the phone? I mean, shouldn't important shit like that be done face-to-face, not phone-to-phone?
- Kyon: [Narrating] I'll just agree with her for now...
- Haruhi: Yeah, well none of that shit is important anyway!
- Kyon: So what is?
- Haruhi: Here's the problem: so far the way it looks is that all the men in this entire universe are shitheads. I mean, all through junior high, that was the one thing that pissed me off the most.
- Kyon: Alright then, so what kind of guy would you have been into? An alien or some shit?
- Haruhi: Yeah. Anything like an alien or something else along those lines. Anyway, as long as the person isn't an ordinary human, I don't give a fuck if it's a boy or a girl.
- Kyon: Hold on a sec. What's wrong with being human? I mean, why do they have to be an alien?
- Haruhi: Because that way, life's more fucking interesting!
- [Haruhi leaves the classroom and Taniguchi approaches Kyon's desk.]
- Taniguchi: Hey, Kyon. You need to tell me what kind of magic spell you're using!
- Kyon: What the hell are you talking about?
- Taniguchi: I have never seen Suzumiya talk that long before, and I'm not exaggerating, man! The hell'd you say to her?
- Kyon: [Thinking] Huh...Wonder what I could have said to her...I think it was all pretty random stuff.
- Taniguchi: This is insane.
- Kunikida: Kyon's always gone after the strange ones. The weirder the better.
- Kyon: Little louder, please, so everyone can hear you. [Ryoko approaches Kyon]
- Ryoko: I wanna know how you did it. No matter how much I try to talk to her, I can't get Haruhi to answer any of my questions. What do you do to get her to open up? Do you have any tips for me?
- Kyon: [Crosses arms] No damn clue.
- Ryoko: Hm...Still, I think it's a good thing. I've been sort of worried about her always completely alone in our class. I think it's really great that she's made at least one friend here.
- Kyon: A friend, huh?
- Ryoko: Well, just keep doing whatever you're doing, 'cause maybe she'll warm up to the rest of us. I mean, since we're all in the same class, it'd really be for the best if everyone got along. And that's why I'm counting on you.
- Kyon: [Thinking] Easy for you to say.
- Ryoko: In fact, from now on, if there's ever anything we need to say to her, we'll just talk to you and you can tell her for us.
- Kyon: [Aloud] Hey, hang on a sec. What do you think I am? Am I supposed to be your goddamn spokesperson or something?
- Ryoko: [Folds hands and closes an eye.] Pretty please? [Runs back over to a group of girls who giggle in Kyon's direction. Taniguchi then grabs Kyon by the shoulders and starts rocking him back and forth.]
- Taniguchi: Kyon, we're buddies, aren't we? We're pals, right?
- Kyon: [Thinking] Everyone's turned into an asshole.
- Kyon: You can't do anything about what doesn't exist. In the end humans settle for what's in front of them. If you think about it, humans who were unable to do that made discoveries or inventions and advanced civilization. Planes were invented because people wanted to fly. Cars and trains came to be because people wanted easier means to move around. However, this came from a limited number of people who had innovative plans and concepts. In other words, geniuses made it all possible. Common folk like us are best off living an ordinary life.
Episode 2: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 2Edit
- [Haruhi has just blackmailed the Computer Society President into surrendering his most advanced computer to the SOS Brigade]
- Haruhi: Then I'll tell everyone at school that all you dipshits ganged up on her and fucked her.
- Haruhi: Hey, Kyon! Can you think of anything else we're gonna need right now?
- Kyon...: What the hell do you mean?
- Haruhi: I wanna get my hands on a mysterious transfer student! What do you think of that?
- Kyon...: For fucks sakes... please start the conversation by making the goddamn context clear.
- Haruhi: It's exactly what the SOS Brigade needs! We need something like a mysterious transfer student!
- Kyon...: Okay, before you kidnap anyone else, what do you mean by "mysterious"?
- Haruhi: Check it out: school started less than two months ago, right? So I'm thinkin' that anybody who transfers into our school right now has to be mysterious. Am I right?
- Kyon...: Maybe the kid's dad got relocated because of work.
- Haruhi: Oh, work my ass! It's not fucking normal!
- Kyon...: I'd sorta like to know what you consider "normal," but I'm almost afraid to ask.
- Yuki: There might be discrepancies in the transmission of data.
- Yuki: I am not referring to the autism spectrum; what I mean is literal, that Haruhi and I are not like other organic lifeforms such as yourself.
- [Mikuru comes out of the clubroom after changing into her school uniform from the bunny girl outfit.]
- Mikuru: [To Kyon] Um, say Kyon, if I find I'm unable to get married after all this, would you be willing to marry me? [Walks off]
- Kyon: [Thinking] What should I say, Miss Asahina? You look like you just found out you didn't get accepted into college? Or someone who's lost their job the day after buying their dream house? Wait, oh man, now you're calling me "Kyon", too.
- Kyon: [Narrating] By the next day, the name "Haruhi Suzumiya" had become infamous. Now everyone at school was talking about her.
- Taniguchi: Hey, Kyon. Hate to say it, but it looks like you've gone and done it. You've become one of Suzumiya's gang of batshits huh?
- Kyon: Oh, shut the fuck up. [Thinking] The shitty thing about being a part of all this is that my name and Miss Asahina's name are floating around the whole goddamned campus, too.
- Kunikida: I couldn't believe the crazy ass shit what I was seeing yesterday. A couple of bunny girls hanging around the school's main gate. I mean, the girl in red was Mikuru Asahina, wasn't it?
- Taniguchi: Now everybody in the fucking school is talking about you guys, Kyon. Everybody.
- Ryoko: What exactly is this SOS Brigade?
- Kyon: You're gonna have to ask Suzumiya. I don't have a single fucking clue about what the hell's going on with all this bullshit.
- Ryoko: Well, it definitely looks like you guys are having a lot of fun, but you know, yesterday's stunt was a little apeshit.
Episode 3: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 3Edit
- Haruhi: Listen up bitches! This isn't fun and games! You fuck around and I'll beat the shit out of your asses!
[Kyon's cell phone buzzes in his pocket while he is sleeping]
- Kyon: FUCK!
- Haruhi: What time do you think it is you dipshit?
- Kyon: Sorry I just woke up.
- Haruhi: Huh, what the fuck did you say?
- Kyon: Were supposed to meet you at 4 right?
- Haruhi: Get your ass back here you got 30 fucking seconds!
- Kyon: I had my work cut out for me, but getting her to move while she's reading is impossible. First you had to get her a library card, so she can check out the book.
Episode 4: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 4Edit
- Ryoko: I'm getting sick of this dogshit. That's why…I'm going to kill you and see how Miss Suzumiya reacts.
- Kyon: What the fuck, is she serious? Wait what just happened? Why is Asakura coming after me with a knife? Whoa wait a minute, what did she just say "I'm gonna kill you"?
- Kyon: Stop fucking around! You're gonna fucking kill someone with that! Even if that's a rubber knife, you're scaring the shit out of me!
- Ryoko: You think it's a…joke? Huh. You don't want to die? You don't want me to kill you? I'm sorry, but I just don't understand the concept of death regarding organic lifeforms.
- Kyon.: Okay, this shit isn't funny anymore! I don't know why the hell you're doing this, but please, just put the fucking knife down!
- Ryoko: I can't, because whether you give a shit about it or not, I really do want you to die.
- Ryoko: Oh please, won't you just give up? You're going to die no matter what, so let me kill you.
- Yuki: I forgot to recreate the glasses.
- Kyon: Oh, it's okay. I think you look cuter without them. Besides, I don't have a glasses fetish.
- Yuki: ...what's a glasses fetish?
- Kyon: Oh fuck it!
- Yuki: ...I see.
- Taniguchi: [enters] What is up? I for-for-forgot my bag. Eh? HOLY SHIT!
- Kyon: [thinking] Mom, Dad, if you saw how me and Nagato were positioned right now...you'd probably think we were having a cocksucking blow job.
- Taniguchi: Oh fuck TAKE YOUR TIME! [quickly exits]
Episode 5: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 5Edit
- Haruhi: You know, Kyon...have you ever realized just how insignificant your existence on this planet really is?
- Kyon...: [thinking] Not this shit again
- Haruhi: It happened to me. And I'll never forget it. Back when I was in the sixth grade, my whole family went out to go watch a baseball game at the stadium. I didn't really care about baseball, but I was surprised by what I saw when we got there. Everywhere I looked, I saw people. On the other side of the stadium, the people looked so small, like little moving grains of rice. It was so crowded. I thought that everyone in Japan had to be packed in there. So I turned to my dad and asked him, "Do you know how many people are here right now"? He said since the stadium was full, probably fifty thousand. After the game, the street was filled with people and I was really shocked to see that, too. To me, it seemed like there was a ton of people there. But then, I realized it could only be a tiny fraction of all the people in Japan. When I got home, I pulled out my calculator. In social studies, I'd learned that the population of Japan was a hundred some odd million. So I divided that by fifty thousand. The answer was one two-thousandth. That shocked me even more. I was only one little person in that big crowded stadium filled with people, and believe me, there were so many people there, but it was just a handful of the entire population. Up till then, I always thought that I was, I don't know, kind of a special person. It was fun to be with my family. I had fun with my classmates. And the school that I was going to, it had just about the most interesting people anywhere. But that night, I realized it wasn't true. All the stuff we did during class that I thought was so fun and cool, was probably happening just like that in classes in other schools all over Japan. There was nothing special about my school at all. When I realized that, it suddenly felt like the whole world around me started to fade into a dull gray void. Brushing my teeth and going to sleep at night, waking up and eating breakfast in the morning, that crap happened all over the place. They were everyday things that everybody was doing. When I thought about it like that, everything became boring as crap. If there's really that many people in the world, then there had to be someone who wasn't ordinary. There had to be someone who was living an interesting life. There just had to be. But why wasn't I that person? So, that's how I felt till I finished elementary school. And then I had another realization. I realized fun things wouldn't come my way just by waiting for them. I thought when I got into junior high, it was time for me to make a change. I'd let the world know I wasn't a girl who was happy sitting around waiting. And I've done my best to become that person. But in the end, nothing happened. More time went by and before I knew it, I was in high school. I thought that something would change.
- [A train approaches and rushes by]
- Kyon: [Thinking] The passing train gave me a moment to think about my response. Should I voice an opposing viewpoint? Maybe I should wax philosophical about her dilemma. [Aloud] ...I see. [Thinking] I must be getting melancholic if that's the best I could come up with.
- Itsuki: Sometimes I get the feeling that we're all just a bunch of clowns standing on our tiptoes at the edge of a great abyss.
- Itsuki: I don't know how I know, I just know that I know, y'know?
Episode 6: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 6Edit
- Itsuki:The top brass at the organization is seriously panicked, right now. Nobody knows what will happen to the "real world," now that we've lost our Deity. If Miss Suzimiya is feeling merciful, we might get to keep on living, on this side of the bubble.
- Itsuki: You're the new Adam and Eve. Go on, procreate, increase the population.
- Kyon..: I'll kick your ass for that!
- Itsuki: Well, I don't think we can deny the distinct possibility that the world we are in now was freshly created, by Her, last night! In any case, it's an honor to meet you and Miss Suzumiya again. <laughing softly> Be seeing you after class!
- Yuki: You and Haruhi Suzumiya dissappeared from this world for two hours and thirty minutes.
- Mikuru: [Gasps] KYON! [Tearfully] I'm so glad you're back! I'm so glad to see you again! I thought ... I mean ... you'd NEVER make it back!
- Kyon..: Miss Asahina ...
- Mikuru:No-no-no-no-no!!! If Miss Suzumiya saw us together, it'd be like birds of a feather repeating their mistakes again!
- Kyon: [Narrating] Self-proclaimed humanoid interface created by aliens [Referring to Yuki]. Self-proclaimed time-traveling girl [Referring to Mikuru]. Self-proclaimed squad of ESPer boys [Referring to Itsuki]. They've shown me enough proof that I may now safely remove the words "self-proclaimed" from their titles. The three of them, each for their own reasons, mind you, are currently focused on Haruhi Suzumiya. Even if I believe everything I've seen, I still can't figure out one thing: why me? An alien, a girl from the future, and an ESPer boy all migrated toward Haruhi because, as Koizumi put it, that's what she wished for. What about me? Why have I been dragged feet-first into all this weird crap, anyway? I mean, I'm a 100% ordinary high-schooler. No special powers or anything here. I mean, who the hell wrote this scenario? Was it you, Haruhi? Yeah, right. It's not like it's my problem anyway. Why do I have to get pissed off? All of this is Haruhi's fault. Seriously, she's the one who should be worried about all this weird crap going on, not me. Nagato, Koizumi, Miss Asahina; from now on, they should just speak to her directly, and whatever happens after that, well, that's Haruhi's problem; I've got nothing to do with it. Everyone else can go do whatever they want, as far as I'm concerned.
- Yuki: Another visit to the library would...
Episode 7: The Boredom of Haruhi SuzumiyaEdit
- Kyon: On the day of the tournament, I was wondering if it was possible to make it rain. You know, a big ass storm that'd cancel the game with a rain delay.
- Yuki: It is possible, but I would advise against it.
- Kyon: Yeah, why's that?
- Yuki: Any alteration of the regional climate could possibly have devastating aftereffects on the ecosystem of the planet.
- Kyon: And about when would these aftereffects happen?
- Yuki: Several hundred to ten thousand years.
- Kyon: Don't even try that crap.
- Yuki: Right.
Episode 8: Mystérique SignEdit
Episode 9: Remote Island Syndrome Part 1Edit
Episode 10: Remote Island Syndrome Part 2Edit
Episode 11: The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina Episode 00Edit
- Tsuruya: I can't take you seriously when you're dressed like that! I'm sorry, Mikuru, but I'm being controlled by the alien right now. Here goes nothing!
- Tsuruya: [mockingly] That's amazing, Mikuru! We're counting on you! The Earth is in your-- [breaks into uncontrollable and hysterical laughter]
- Mikuru: Mi-Mi-Mikuru Beam!
Episode 12: Live AliveEdit
- Haruhi: ... After all, our goal each year should be to increase the NUMBER of goals we set for ourselves!
Episode 13: The Day of SagittariusEdit
- [the SOS Brigade prepares for its engagement against the Computer Club]
- Kyon: Hey, Haruhi, don't you think it'd be better if you pulled your ships back a little bit? Your fleet shouldn't be so far in front of us.
- Haruhi: What the fuck are you talking about?! I wanna shoot fucking beams and missiles at the damn enemy too!
- Kyon: Look, when you're playing shogi or chess, the king isn't the one who charges into enemy territory.
- Haruhi: Oh, yeah. Good thinking. Okay, Kyon, you guys take care of its ass. Go find the enemy leader and give him a good ass kicking with your cannons! And make sure you win! I want you to take those dipshits from the Computer Club… AND BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF THOSE ASSHOLES!
- Kyon: [thinking] Wouldn't it be better if we just raised the white flag now? [aloud] Well, I guess that's not gonna be an option today.
- Kyon: [thinking] Every day, I hang out with an alien, a time traveler, and an esper...and I'm still as sane and objective as ever. Hmm...I wonder if that makes me special or something. I'm sure Lacan's dying to have a word with me!
- Itsuki: You seem worried. Is something wrong?
- Kyon..: [aloud] Nope. I was just thinking about how awesome I am for being able to cope with this bullshit situation. And if you ask me, I think I'm due for a little praise.
- Itsuki: You're right. Well, would you like me to give you some words of praise, then?
- Kyon..: You praising me won't make me any happier. All it will do is make me think you've got something up your sleeve.
- Itsuki: [laughs] True enough!
- [Yuki is wagered against the Computer Club for some laptops]
- Kyon: [thinking] There's a big difference between the specs of four laptops and a Nagato, but you wouldn't notice.
- Haruhi: It's time to launch the <BLEEP>dams!
- [Haruhi, Kyon, and Itsuki's fleets are caught in a clusterfuck, to put things bluntly]
- Itsuki: Let's calm the fuck down. The enemy is shooting at us.
- Haruhi: Anyone accepting defeat will be punished by running ten fucking laps around the fucking school with your fucking dicks showing! And you'll have to yell "Green Martians are chasing me!" for the whole fucking ten laps!
- [the Computer Society President is gloating, unaware that Yuki has managed to turn the tables on him]
- Computer Society President: Nice, very nice! I was a little worried there when they fired up the squadron mode, but we still have the advantage! We see them, but they can't see us! Time to wrap this sonofabitch up. MURDER THOSE COCKSUCKERS BY THE BUSHEL FUCKING BASKET! BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE SOS BRIGADE!
- [the SOS Brigade mounts its final offensive against the Computer Club]
- Kyon: Sayonara motherfuckers!
- Haruhi: [over the radio] Fuck you, Kyon! That's my enemy!
- [Yuki drives the Computer Society President into a trap laid by the other SOS Brigadiers]
- Kyon: Wow, were driving his ass right into our sights.
- Itsuki: Like a mouse caught in a trap.
- Mikuru: Uh, am I supposed to shoot this shit?
- Haruhi: I don't get what just happened, but great job, guys! All ships, open fire! Go out there and shit fury all over the fucking enemy!
- [the SOS Brigade's combined fleets gang up on the Computer Society President's own and annihilate it except for the flagship, which attempts to escape]
- Haruhi: He's getting away that cowardly asshole!
- [Yuki fires the main gun of her flagship at the Computer Society President's ship and destroys it]
- Computer Society President: [as his ship is exploding around him] THIS IS TOTAL BULLSHIT! GLORY TO THE COMPUTER CLUB!
- Yuki's computer: YOU WIN
Episode 14: Someday in the RainEdit
- Nagato: ...
Season 2 (2009)Edit
Bamboo Leaf RhapsodyEdit
===Endless Eight Part 1===Just watch the goddamn episode... Please?
Endless Eight Part 2Edit
Endless Eight Part 3Edit
- Kyon: [seeing Haruhi, Yuki, and Mikuru in yukatas] Excellent!
- Itsuki: I'll explain it the best I can. We're currently stuck in a time loop that seems to have no end to it.
- Kyon: Huh? Are what?
- Itsuki: We're currently stuck in a time loop that seems to have no end to it.
- Kyon: Oh shit.
- Itsuki: We're currently stuck in a time loop that seems to have no end...
- Mikuru: [sobbing] Because I had to "classified information", I used "classified information" to get in touch with the future. The thing is, I haven't gotten any "classified information" for a week, so I started to think how weird that was. I was so surprised, I "classified information," I really did. But it was "classified information" too.
- Haruhi: Hm, okay. I guess that we did everything we set out to do this summer, so that's good enough.
- Kyon: No, it's not, Haruhi. Not by a long shot, you're still not satisfied.
Endless Eight Part 4Edit
Endless Eight Part 5Edit
Endless Eight Part 6Edit
Endless Eight Part 7Edit
Endless Eight Part 8Edit
The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 1Edit
The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 2Edit
The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya Part 5Edit
Film: The Disappearance of Haruhi SuzumiyaEdit
- Kyon: [Narrating] The morning of December 16. It was cold as shit. And I mean cold that if you took an ice pick and plunged it into the ground, you'd shatter the earth into a million pieces.
- Kyon: [Narrating] It was nice and warm up until the school arts festival, but when December hit, the temperature dropped so damn fast, like it was making up for lost time or something. It was like Japan just decided to skip Fall this year. Or, better yet, maybe the guy upstairs confused a prayer for more business with a spell to change the weather or something. Siberian air mass...seriously, I know you have to stick to your route and all, but you could skip us once in a while. It's like the seasons are out of whack or something. Aw shit, now I'm worried about the environment. Yeah, well, I might be worried, but it's not like I'm gonna do anything about it. Too much damn work.
- Kyon: [Narrating] Do I know what's happening next week? [Referring to his earlier conversation with Taniguchi.] This so-called "event" that's making everyone freak out? Of course I do. It's easy when the person in the seat behind me makes it her mission to keep track of such things. She's the general manager of all the crap I've gotten into since April. She's the root of all evil in the universe. The person behind every threat to my existence. hell yeah...her.
- [Haruhi is discussing the Christmas party with the other members.]
- Haruhi: Does anyone have plans next week for Christmas Eve?
- Kyon: [Thinking] I fucking knew it.
- Haruhi: I'm pretty sure you've got nothing going on, right Kyon? We all know you don't have much of a social life and I'm only asking because I didn't want you to feel like a loser.
- Kyon: Yeah? Well what if I did have something going on? Tell me what you're planning first.
- Haruhi: You're free, I knew it! [Turns to Koizumi] How about you, Koizumi? I bet you got a date with a girlfriend, don't ya?
- Itsuki: [Sighs] It would be wonderful if that were indeed the case, however, believe it or not, my schedule prior to Christmas Eve is completely open and flexible at present. To tell the truth, I was getting a little worried about how I was going to pass the time.
- Kyon: [Thinking] Bullshit. You made yourself free on purpose. Admit it!
- Haruhi: Well, now you don't have to worry about it! Besides, this'll be way better. [Turns to Mikuru] How about you Mikuru? You've probably got plans, too! Like maybe someone asked you to watch that moment when rain turns to snow in the dead of night?
- Kyon: [Thinking] Suddenly, she's from the Shōwa era.
- Mikuru: Actually, I don't have anything planned next week. [Confused] Dead of night?
- Kyon: [Thinking] You could go out with me, Miss Asahina!
- Haruhi: [Turns to Yuki] Yuki?
- Yuki: Nothing.
- Haruhi: Hell yeah!
- Kyon: [Thinking] Oh shit!
- Haruhi: Okay, then! It's settled! [Uncaps a marker and writes "SOS Brigade Christmas Party"] Since nobody has plans for next week, we're gonna throw an SOS Brigade Christmas party! As usual, if there are any objections, you can file them after the event and I promise I'll take them into consideration!
- Kyon: [Thinking] And, as usual, she's doing whatever the hell she wants. She did ask everyone if they had plans, though. I guess she's making a little progress.
- Kyon: What did you say before?
- Taniguchi: I said I didn't underst-[Kyon interrupts]
- Kyon: Not that.
- Taniguchi: Oh, Haruhi Suzumiya? She was the batshit girl of east junior high. The two of us were in the same class in middle school. I didn't know you guys knew each other.
- Kyon: You fucking piece of shit .
- Taniguchi: Who are you calling a piece of shit? If i'm an piece of shit you're a sonofabitch!
- Kyon: [Pushes Taniguchi into a desk] You know Haruhi, you really know who she is?
- Taniguchi: No shit I know her. Even after 50 years you don't forget someone like her. All the kids who went to east junior high know that crazy bitch. Let me go man what the fuck.
- Kyon: Where is she? Where the fuck did Haruhi go.
- [Kyon is confronting Yuki after she had just altered the space-time continuum.]
- Kyon: Hey. It's me. We meet again. [Thinking] So it really was you.
- Yuki: What are you doing out here? And why?
- Kyon: [Aloud] Funny. I was just about to ask you the same exact thing
- [Yuki struggles to look for an answer.]
- Yuki: A...walk?
- Kyon: [Thinking] That's not true. That's not true, Nagato. You were sick of this crap. You'd had enough of Haruhi's bullshit. Getting your ass dragged all over the place. You were tired of protecting me. And you were tired of whatever else you had to do. Crap we didn't even know about. The shit from all those things just kept building up.
- [An alternate Yuki is talking with Kyon in her apartment.]
- Yuki: A collection of error data will accumulate in my memory over time. The bugs will eventually become triggers and affect my behavior. Also, these circumstances are unavoidable. Three years from now, on the morning of December 18, I will reconstruct the world. I cannot prevent it. Because I am currently unable to identify exactly what the error data is.
- Kyon: [Thinking] Well, I know. I know what the trigger is that caused your abnormal shit in behavior. I know what the error data is that kept piling up inside you. The truth is, it's something completely cliche. Even though you're just a human interface, and you can't operate beyond the limits of your programming, this is something even you aren't immune to. Sure, you don't understand, but I do. And I'm sure Haruhi does too. You see, Nagato, they're called "feelings". It figures you'd want to experience emotions when you've never even had them. I mean, didn't you want to shout or cry or yell shut the fuck up sometimes? Well, even if you never thought about that stuff, it's normal for you to want to. You should have been allowed to do that. I'm partly to blame too. Without thinking, I made it a habit to rely on you more and more. I wouldn't think for myself. It was always "Oh, Nagato can fix this. She can do anything". Turns out, I'm an even bigger asshole than Haruhi. And all I did was bitch. With all that stacking up, it's no wonder you went so apeshit that you tried to change the world. A bug? An error? Seriously, shut the hell up. Nagato wished for it. She just wanted to live in a normal world, that's all. And after worrying about it for the past few days, I finally have the answer I was looking for. Why did she leave it to me to get everything back to the way it was? The answer's simple: she trusted me to make the right choice. The altered world or the original? Which one's better? And I have to choose. Fuck. What the fuck was I thinking? All the things that happened around Haruhi, every little thing that defied common sense: how do I feel about them? I'm sick of this shit I've had enough of this crap. Seriously, I can't take much more of this. I'm a normal guy who just happened to get sucked into all this crazy shit. A highschooler struggling against the unreasonable bullshit demands of Haruhi. I should have taken a harder stance against it.
- Kyon's conscience: So that's how it is, huh? Yeah, I'm talking to you. It's question and answer time. It's an important question, so listen up, okay? And I want an answer. Ready? Then let's take the quiz.
- [Text on screen reads: "Don't you find such an extraordinary school life fun?"]
- Kyon's conscience: Think about it, then give me your answer. Come on, go ahead and say it. Haruhi forced you to do all kinds of crazy ass shit, and if that wasn't enough, you were attacked by aliens and you had to listen to weird stories from time travelers and ESPers, too. One weird fucking thing happening after another. And the cherry on top is that Haruhi had to be kept in the dark about what the hell's going on. The person behind it all can't find out; it's a catch 22. And none of that was fun? Is that what you think? You were sick of it. You had enough. It was bullshit. You couldn't take anymore. Hmph. Is that right? If you're having trouble following this, let me spell it out.
- [Text on screen reads: "That world isn't interesting at all."]
- Kyon's conscience: Uh-huh. That's pretty much how it is. Be honest with yourself: you can't stand Haruhi. She's a huge pain in the dick. Everything she wants to do is bullshit. There's no way you had any fun at all, is there? You can't deny it, so don't even fucking try. So explain this: why'd you press the "Enter" key? Huh? The emergency escape program? The one Nagato left to undo everything. "Ready"? And you answered "Yes" to that question. Isn't that right? Even after the great Miss Nagato went to all that trouble just to give you a calm, peaceful world, you turned it down. Why'd you do it man? Weren't you the one who was always whining about it? You were always bitching about how miserable you were. If that's the case, then who gives a fuck about an escape program? You should have ignored it. Yeah, back in that world you rejected, Haruhi is just some stuck-up girl. And Miss Asahina is just some cute moe character. Koizumi is a normal highschoooler. And Nagato is just a super-shy girl. Well, most of the time, anyway. But if she heard some dumbass joke, she'd laugh, and then she'd blush. And as she got older, she heart would open more everyday. You never know. She might have been like that. But you had to go and throw away a normal life by hitting that button. Why the hell is that? [He puts his foot down on Kyon's head, pinning him to a desk.] Quiz time is over! Time to answer the goddamn question! Don't you think Haruhi, and all the weird things she made happen, were just a little bit fun? Spit it the hell out!
- [There is a long pause. Kyon answers.]
- Kyon: Yeah! Of course I do! [Kyon pushes himself away from his desk.] Of course it was fun! And I loved every minute of it! Don't go asking me bullshit questions...that are so...OBVIOUS!!!!!! [Kyon frees himself from his conscious' hold.] You'd have to be crazy to think it wasn't fun! Only the biggest dipshit in the world would say it wasn't fun if they were asked! They'd be thirty times more retarded than Haruhi! Aliens, time travelers, and ESPers man? One's enough, but no, I got to hang out with all three! And then there's Haruhi, who's got the craziest power of them all! And then there's all these other mysterious powers sprinkled all over the place! How could I not find all this stuff fun, huh?! Ask me as many times as you want and my answer won't change! Hell to the fucking yeah...[The scene returns to the hill where Yuki, Kyon, and the adult Mikuru are.] I guess that's it. The other way is definitely better. Having a world like this just doesn't feel right. I'm sorry, Nagato, but I like the you you used to be than the you you are now. You look better without glasses anyway.
- Haruhi Suzumiya - Aya Hirano (Japanese), Wendee Lee (English)
- Kyon - Tomokazu Sugita (Japanese), Crispin Freeman (English)
- Yuki Nagato - Minori Chihara (Japanese), Michelle Ruff (English)
- Mikuru Asahina - Yuko Goto (Japanese), Stephanie Sheh (English)
- Itsuki Koizumi - Daisuke Ono (Japanese), Johnny Yong Bosch (English)