The Full Monty
Gary 'Gaz' Schofield
- I've got a degree in ass-wiggling, mate.
- Police Inspector: So your daddy dances in front of you, does he?
- Nathan: When he's rehearsing.
- Gaz: Y'know Dave, it's a thought...
- Gerald: Ha! I could just see Little and Large prancing around Sheffield with their widges hanging out. Now that would be worth 10 quid!
- Gaz: Don't be so bloody daft. We were just saying...
- Gerald: [teases by mimicking binoculars] Widges on parade! Bring your own microscope!
- Dave: I don't see why you're making a chuff, Gerald.
- Gerald: Because you're fat and he's thin, and you're both fucking ugly!
- Dave: I mean, what if next Friday 400 women turn 'round and say "He's too fat, he's too old and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser"? What happens then, eh?
- Horse: They wouldn't say that, would they?
- Dave: Why not? He's just said her tits are too big.
- Lomper: That's different. We're... blokes.
- Dave: Yeah, and...
- Gerald: I think she's got nice tits, actually.
- Lomper: I never said nowt about her personality, like. I mean, she's probably quite nice if you get to know her.
- Dave: No. And they won't say nowt about your personality neither, which is good 'cause you're basically a bastard. Bollocks to your personality — this is what they're looking at, right? And I'll tell you summat, mate. Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none.
- Dave: I've been dieting. I do try. Seems like I spent most of me fuckin' life on a diet. The less I eat, the fatter I get.
- Lomper: So, stuff yourself and get thin.
- Gerald: Fat, David, is a feminist issue.
- Dave: Well, what's that supposed to mean when it's at home?
- Gerald: I don't bloody know, do I? But it is.
- [The team recruits Guy]
- Gaz: You don't sing?
- Guy: No.
- Gaz: You don't dance?
- Guy: No.
- Gaz: Hope you don't mind me being nosy, but what do you do?
- Guy: Well, there is this...[strips down pants and underwear]
- Gaz: [coughs smoke, then long pause] Gentlemen, the lunchbox has landed.
- Dave: [discussing possible means of suicide] I know. You could stand in middle of road and have a mate run smack into you right fast.
- Lomper: Haven't got any mates.
- Gaz: Listen to you. We just saved your fucking life. So don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?
- Lomper: Really?
- Gaz: Yeah.
- Lomper: Thanks. Thanks a lot.
- Dave: Yeah, me an'all, I'd run into ya as soon as look at ya.
- Lomper: Cheers.
- Six men. With nothing to lose. Who dare to go....
- The year's most revealing comedy.
Last modified on 22 November 2011, at 08:48