- Theo: I mean, you're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, but I don't love you any less because you're my dad. So instead of being disappointed that I'm not like you, maybe you should be happy and love me anyway, because I'm your son.
- Cliff: Theo... That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you in this world, and I'll take you out!
- [Cliff and Theo are discussing Theo's grades and his possible future]
- Cliff: You graduate from High school; let's say you just slide by. Now you gotta find a job. Now what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?
- Theo: Uhh, $250 a week.
- Cliff: Sit down. [giving Theo Monopoly money] I'm gonna give you $300 a week. Yes indeed. $300 a week, $1200 dollars a month.
- Theo: Great! I'll take it!
- Cliff: Yes you will, and I will take [takes some of the money] $350 for taxes.
- Theo: Whoa!
- Cliff: Uh, yeah. You see, the government comes for the regular people first. Now how much does that leave you with?
- Theo: $850.
- Cliff:: All right. Now you have got to have an apartment, because you are not going to live here. [taking more money] So an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400 a month.
- Theo: I'll live in New Jersey. [takes back $200]
- Cliff: All right, you live in New Jersey, you've got to have a car. [takes $300]
- Theo: I'll ride a motorbike. [takes back $100]
- Cliff: You need a helmet. [Cliff takes $50] Figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes. [takes $100]
- Theo: Figure $200 a month, I want to look good! [give Cliff $100]
- Cliff: So what's that leave you with?
- Theo: $200. So, no problem!
- Cliff: There is a problem, you haven't eaten yet! [Cliff takes $100]
- Theo: I can get by on baloney and cereal. [takes back $100] So I've got everything under control PLUS $200 left for the month.
- Cliff: You plan to have a girlfriend?
- Theo: For sure.
- [Cliff takes the remaining $200]
- Cliff: [pointing at Theo's empty hand] Regular people.
Goodbye, Mr. Fish [1.02]Edit
- Cliff: Take the sunglasses off! [Denise takes them off, revealing weird make up on the side of her face] Put the sunglasses on!
- Denise: Dad, it's okay to be weird here, but you're going outside the house now.
- Theo: He's a minister, Dad, he'll tell God we're crazy.
Bad Dreams [1.03]Edit
- Cliff: What did I tell you about pushing your sister?
- Vanessa: I'm just hurrying her along.
- Cliff: That's fine, she's only 5 now, but she IS going to grow up and she MAY get into body building. And then she'll track you down and say "Remember all the times you used to push me around?" and clean your clock!
Is That My Boy? [1.04]Edit
- [Cliff is excited and jittery that his son made the school football team]
- Claire: Cliff, now this may be impossible, but do you think you can calm down?
- Cliff: [happily swerving] Calm? Sure I can be calm!
- Claire: Cliff, your eyes are dancing.
- Cliff: Are they? [walks to a mirror] Let me see. [looks in the mirror] They are, aren't they? They are! They are dancing!
- Claire: Cliff, come on now sit down.
- Cliff: No no, do me a favor, do me a favor, say it again. I wanna see them dance, let 'em go! Let 'em go! Say it!
- Claire: Football!
- Cliff: THERE THEY GO!
A Shirt Story [1.05]Edit
- Cliff: No 14-year-old boy should have a $95 shirt unless he's on stage with his 4 brothers.
- Cliff: I don't have a $95 shirt, and I have a JOB.
Breaking With Tradition [1.06]Edit
- Theo: [cleaning the kitchen] Dad is it okay if I take a break now?
- Cliff: Yeah, uh you've been working five minutes straight now.
- Cliff's Father: [about Theo] Where are you sending him?
- Cliff: If he picks up his grades, high school.
One More Time [1.07]Edit
- [Claire is babysitting a baby]
- Claire: Oh just holding him sets off all these weird stirs, and I wonder if I don't want another one...
- Cliff: Uhh, let me help you. You don't.
- Claire: So, you're saying you don't want another one?
- Cliff: Claire, sometimes I don't even want the ones we have now.
- Claire's Mother: When you and Cliff got married, what did I say?
- Claire: You wanted me to have a child.
- Claire's Mother: Why?
- Claire: Revenge.
Play It Again Vanessa [1.08]Edit
- Cliff: [after a long screeched note on a clarinet is heard downstairs] Have we moved closer to the river?
- [More sounds]
- Theo: You think she's blowing through the right end?
- [Even worse sounds]
- Cliff: I think she just killed a goose.
- [Vanessa is playing the clarinet badly while Cliff and Theo are playing chess]
- Cliff: [starts destroying the game] That´s it, halftime.
- Theo: Dad, there's no halftime in chess!
- Cliff: The band is playing, so that's halftime.
How Ugly is He? [1.09]Edit
- Cliff: [Talking to Denise's boy-friend] If you don't plan on going to college then what do you plan on doing?
- David: I think I'm going to just spend some time trying to find myself.
- Cliff: And how long do you think that's going to take?
- David: About five or ten years.
- Cliff: In that amount of time you could find yourself and a few other people.
- Denise: Dinners ready. [as Cliff walks by] So how do you like him?
- Cliff: I don't know if it's him or not; he hasn't found himself yet.
- Cliff: The entree, Dr. Huxtable's Salisbury Steak deluxe!
- David: I'm sorry, Dr. Huxtable, I don't eat meat.
- Cliff: The boy does not eat meat.
- David: I'm a vegetarian.
- Denise: I didn't know that!
- Claire: Well we got lots of red beans and rice.
- David: I'm sorry, I only eat brown rice.
- Cliff: That's all right, we can take the rice and burn it for you.
Bon Jour Sondra [1.10]Edit
- [Cliff is instructing Theo how to carve a turkey]
- Cliff: [imitating Julia Child] First, you slice ever so gently along the grain, following the contour of the bird.
- Theo: Dad, why are you talking like that?
- Cliff: [still imitating Julia Child] I have no idea; it's just that it makes me feel more secure when I'm in the kitchen.
You're Not a Mother Night [1.11]Edit
- Female Client: That's a wonderful thing you're doing for your wife!
- Cliff: Thank you.
- Client: How long you been married?
- Cliff: 21 years.
- Client: How many kids?
- Cliff: Four at home and one in college.
- Client: Five children and 21 years. What are you celebrating?
- Cliff: Survival.
- Claire: We are very fortunate to have the children, Cliff. Otherwise we would never know the joy of leaving them at home.
[Claire and Cliff have just gotten into bed, and the phone rings; Cliff answers]
- Cliff: Hello? ... This better be necessary. [hands the phone to Claire] It's for you.
- Claire: Hello.
- The Kids: [on the other end] Good night mom! And don't bring home another baby!
Rudy's Sick [1.12]Edit
- Claire: Make sure she stays in the bed, give her lots of liquids, and aspirin every four hours.
- Cliff: I don't believe you! You're the only woman who went to law school and got a degree in medicine!
- Rudy: [yelling from upstairs] Daddy!! Did Mommy leave?
- Cliff: Yes. What do you want?
- Rudy: Mommy!
Father's Day [1.13]Edit
- [Cliff walks downstairs wearing a bunch of outrageous things he's gotten in the past for Father's Day]
- Rudy: Dad you look funny!
- Cliff: Well thank you!
- Rudy: You're welcome!
- [Cliff is opening Rudy's gift to him]
- Cliff: Da-dadada-dan dan dan DAAA!
- [Cliff opens the gift to reveal a tube of Tennis Balls]
- Cliff: Tennis balls!
- Rudy: I hope they're the right size.
- Cliff: I'm sure they're the right size! Let me see. [opens up the canister]
- Rudy: I looked in your closet, and there was only one left.
- Cliff: And you know what, they are the right size!
Independence Day [1.14]Edit
- Cliff: Look my folks are not coming over to eat, they are coming over here to spoil the children.
- Claire: Well what do you expect? They're grandparents.
- Cliff: Right, grandparents, all right. These are not the same people I grew up with, these are the biggest hypocrites you've ever seen. No, I am telling you right now, my father comes through that door, reaches into his pocket pulls out a handful of money. “Well let’s see if granddad has any money for these wonderful children.” This is the same man who when I was his child, I would ask him for 50 cents, the man would tell me his life story. This man would tell me how at age five, he woke up at 4 o’clock every morning, had no alarm clock, had no rooster, just the sense of responsibility. Snow was up to here. [mime saluting] Had no shoes but he walked through a blizzard. Backwards. And I talked to other people with fathers, and find out fathers are the lyingest people on the face of this earth. I have a friend who’s Puerto Rican. His father was brought up in San Juan, walked through the snow in San Juan. No, my father got a job milking 120 cows. The man he worked for had no bucket so he had to squirt the milk into his hand, walk eight miles, through the snow up to here [salute]. And I am telling you right now my mother is the same way.
- Claire: Your mother's one of the sweetest people I've ever met.
- Cliff: I didn't say she wasn't sweet. But this woman comes over here to the house, kisses every child. 'Just come here and kiss your grandmother. Oh you're just the most beautiful children on the face of this earth!' But when I was her child, I'm telling you, this woman, all she ever wanted to do was take a stick and ask God to give her enough strength so she could knock us somewhere! And to this day, I still don't know where Kingdom-come is. And all she is, as far as I'm concerned, is an old person trying to get into Heaven now.
- Theo: [revealing his earring to Cliff] It's an earring, dad. There's a hole in my ear, and Denise says it might be infected.
- [Cliff comes over, to examine the ear, touches the ear, and Theo flinches]
- Cliff: Well, she's right. It is infected. Come on.
- Theo: What are you gonna do to me?
- Cliff: I am going to fix your ear.
- Theo: Then what?
- Cliff: You expecting some sort of punishment?
- Theo: Shouldn't I?
- Cliff: Yeah.
Physician of the Year [1.15]Edit
- Theo: Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom!
- Cliff: Why don't you use the one downstairs?
- Theo: The small one? That one's for guests.
- Cliff: Then pretend you don't live here.
Jitterbug Break [1.16]Edit
- Theo: Hey, if Dad lets you go, I'll give you five-hundred dollars.
- Denise: You don't have five-hundred dollars!
- Theo: Do I look worried?
- Vanessa: Theo is babysitting?!
- Cliff: That's right.
- Vanessa: But what if the house catches fire?
- Cliff: Then Theo will call the fire department!
- Vanessa: Well what if burglars break in?
- Cliff: Then Theo will un-arm them!
- Vanessa: Well what if they know karate?
- Cliff: Then Theo will die!
Theo and the Joint [1.17]Edit
- Theo: Hi mom!
- Claire: Hi. Where are you going?
- Theo: Down the street to play touch football.
- Claire: Theo, it's five degrees out there!
- Theo: I got two pairs of socks on.
- Claire: Well you are putting on gloves and a hat.
- Theo: Mom, this is freeze football. If you wear a lot of stuff, you're not a real man!
- Claire: Well how's a real man gonna feel when his mother shows up on the field carrying his gloves and a hat?
- [Theo puts on the gloves and a hat; Cliff enters the front door]
- Theo: Hey dad.
- Cliff: Hey, where you going?
- Theo: Freeze football.
- Cliff: You can't play freeze football like that, you gotta take all that stuff off!
Vanessa's New Class [1.18]Edit
- Claire: Cliff that really was not necessary.
- Cliff: What?
- Claire: Cliff, these classes are competitive enough without us putting extra pressure on this girl.
- Cliff: There's nothing wrong with a little competition.
- Claire: Okay I just don't want Vanessa to get carried away like a certain person in this family...
- Cliff: You talking about me?
- Claire: Yes. Yes as a matter of fact I am. Now let's take the way you play Monopoly.
- Cliff: What does Monopoly got to do with science?
- Claire: I'm talking about the way you handle competition. You see, most human beings view Monopoly as a game. But you take it as a means to crush all those who dare challenge you! You are the worst! Someone gets a 'Go to Jail' card, you applaud.
- Cliff: That's right.
- Claire: Somebody lands on your property, you start making cash register sounds!
- Cliff: Cha-ching! Cha-ching! That's right!
- Claire: And then when you win, you pile all your money up on the floor and roll in it! You are the worst!
- Cliff: Yeah, now I know what you're talking about! This has nothing to do with science. You're still warm about the Monopoly game we played- [laughs] and- and I had Boardwalk, and you rolled the dice, and you landed on my Boardwalk! And I had about 5000 hotels, and 600 houses, and you only had $30! And I told you to pay up, and you said, 'But I'm your wife!' [Claire leaves the room] ...and you'd better pay!
Clair's Case [1.19]Edit
- Claire: [preparing for a court case] Now, Ms. Huxtable. Would you please tell the court exactly what Mr. Wilson said to you after he examined your engine for the first time?
- Cliff: You know, I have the perfect strategy, for this mechanic huddle. I think that we ought to just forget about the trial, and the three of us go over to his house and beat him up!
Back to the Track, Jack [1.20]Edit
- Vanessa: Dad can I talk to you for a minute?
- Cliff: Sure.
- Vanessa: Privately? It's about boys.
- Rudy: Excuuuuuse me.
- Ernie: How much did you weigh in college?
- Cliff: A hundred and sixty-five.
- Ernie: And how much do you weigh now?
- Cliff: A hundred and sixty-five.
- Ernie: With your clothes on!
- Cliff: 206.
- Ernie: Whoa!
The Younger Woman [1.21]Edit
- Claire: If I died, would you marry again?
- Cliff: We'll talk about it when it happens.
- Claire: We can't talk about it then!
- Cliff: Okay, no. The answer is no. I wouldn't.
- Claire: Under no circumstances, if I die, would you marry again. You would be single forever?
- Cliff: Yes.
- Claire: Would you date somebody?
- Cliff: No. I wouldn't.
- Claire: Okay, Cliff I'm dead. I'm gone.
- Cliff: And you're still in the bed with me?
- Cliff: Suppose I die, and your mother came home with a 19 year old boy...
- Sondra: Yeah?
- Cliff: Well what do you mean, 'yeah?' I mean, I'm dead, and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?
- Sondra: Dad, you're not dead, you're sitting right here. This is a hypothetical death.
- Cliff: Okay, it's a hypothetical death, but you didn't even take the time out for a hypothetical mourning! I mean it's almost as if you wished I was dead.
- Sondra: No, dad, I don't want you to die!
- Cliff: Are you sure?
- Sondra: Yes.
- Claire: Cliff, what's the point?
- Cliff: The point is I'm dead, and you all have me out on the sidewalk with the garbage.
- Claire: Cliff, you are a wonderful husband and a loving father, but darling, you do have a problem. You never get to the point.
- Cliff: I am trying to get to the point.
- Claire: All right, Cliff, go ahead. If you die...
- Cliff: Never mind.
The Slumber Party [1.22]Edit
- Cliff: What's the matter?
- Rudy: I'm bored.
- Cliff: You're bored? Well that's funny because I've got $3 million of books up in your room.
- Cliff: Now, Rudy, what did your grandpa do to make you all quiet?
- Rudy: He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.
Mr. Quiet [1.23]Edit
- Cliff: [entering a building] Hi, Chester. How's everything going?
- Chester: You're late! You have a whole class back there yelling at me! Get here on time!
- Claire: [nicely] Hello, Chester.
- Chester: [nicely] Well hello, Mrs. Huxtable!
- Cliff: Why are you being so nice to her? She's late too Chester.
- Chester: Well she's late, but looks good. You're just late!
Cliff's Birthday [1.24]Edit
- Cliff: The joy of a birthday, is finding out what the present is, before one gets it. And you know I always do.
- Claire: Not this year.
- Cliff: 'Not this year.' You say that every year, and every year, I find out. So what do you want to do, you want to tell me what it is now sweetie? Or do you want me to start working on the children?
- Claire: You may work on whomever you please.
- Cliff: Really?
- Claire: But you're not going to find out anything.
- Cliff: Let the games begin.
- Cliff: So I know there's going to be a present for me, boy. So, what is it?
- Theo: Come on, Dad, you know I can't tell you.
- Cliff:: [chuckles] I know that. How old are you now?
- Theo: 14.
- Cliff: 14. Two years from now, you're going to want a car. I'm the only one who can buy it for you. So my boy, what's it gonna be?
- Theo: Okay, Dad.
- Cliff: Okay.
- [a moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]
- Theo: This year, everyone is pitching in to get you something you're really gonna love.
- Cliff Well what is it?
- [another moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]
- Theo They won't tell me.
First Day of School [2.01]Edit
- Cliff: [to Theo] A vacation is something you get when you have a job and work. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you didn't work hard all summer. You were the hardest worker I ever saw, at begging. Begging for money for pizza, begging to stay up later to chase little girls who didn't love you. And son, now, you get to rest. [Theo falls back on the bed] You get to go to school!
- Cliff: [Phone rings.] Oh, not another Vanessa caller. [answers] Vanessa's residence? No, she cannot come to the phone right now. Because it's now 10:01, and she cannot take any calls past 10:00. No I cannot take a message, I am her father. I'm a doctor, I graduated from medical school, alright? Thank you for calling, this is a live voice.
The Juicer [2.02]Edit
- Clair: What is this?
- Cliff: Dear. This is a stainless steel maintenance free appliance which provides nutritious drinks for just pennies a day.
- Clair: And it's going to end up with the rest of the stainless steel self maintenance appliances in the appliance graveyard underneath the counter. [opens up the counter] Let's see. [pulls out a waffle-maker] The answer to Sunday breakfast?
- Cliff: Yes I bought that.
- Clair: "Waffles, Clair. I'm going to make waffles every Sunday morning!" Until you had to clean it! And this... [pulls out a special pan] "Crepes, Clair. Think of all the different kind of crepes we can make with this." Turned out to be none.
- Theo: Yeah but mom, remember the sausage stuffer?
- Claire: Didn't stuff a thing!
- Cliff: [to Theo] Et tu, Brute?
- Clair: Appliances can be hard to resist sometimes. They're shiny, they make weird noises, they have those buttons that light up. That's why your father likes them!
Happy Anniversary [2.03]Edit
- Sondra: We thought it would be nice if we cooked the meal for Grandma and Grandpa's anniversary.
- Theo: And I'm sure you girls will do a great job.
- Sondra: Theo, I mean all of us.
- Theo: I don't cook.
- Clair: Maybe you should learn.
- Theo: Why?
- Clair: Theo, you're going to leave this house one day and you're going to want to eat.
- Theo: I'll have my girlfriend cook!
- Clair: Now where are you getting this attitude from?
- Theo: Cockroach.
- Clair, Vanessa, and Sondra: Ohhh Cockroach.
- Theo: You see, we decided, we're only going to date girls who cook.
- Sondra: Theo, the women of today have better things to do than to stay in the kitchen.
- Theo: That's because the women of today haven't met the man of tomorrow.
- [Cliff and Clair are snuggling in bed. Cliff moves over closer to Clair.]
- Clair: Cliff, your feet are freezing!
- Cliff: That's why I brought them over there.
- Clair: Well, why don't you move your feet over to your side of the bed until they warm up?
- [Cliff pulls his feet away.]
- Cliff: Now they're cold and lonely.
Cliff in Love [2.04]Edit
- Cliff: You don't have time!
- Darryl: Why not?
- Cliff: Because he's coming!
- Darryl: Who's coming?
- Cliff: Elvin.
- Darryl: Who's Elvin?
- Cliff: Elvin is the fellow she likes.
- Darryl: Oh. Then why am I here?
- Cliff: Because you're the fellow I like!
- Clair: Would you and Dr. Huxtable like some coffee?
- Elvin: Coffee?
- Clair: Yes, coffee.
- Elvin: You mean, you're gonna get it?
- Clair: Yes, you're surprised?
- Elvin: I'm sorry Mrs. Huxtable, I didn't think you did that kind of thing.
- Clair: What kind of thing?
- Elvin: You know....serve.
- [Cliff sits down rubbing his face]
- Clair: Serve whom?
- Elvin: Serve him. [pointing to Cliff]
- Clair: Oh, serve him! You mean like, serve your man?
- Elvin: Well yeah.
- Clair: Let me tell you something Elvin. You see, I am not serving Dr. Huxtable. Okay?
- Elvin: Okay.
- Clair: That's the kind of thing that goes on in a restaurant. Now I am gonna bring him a cup of coffee just like he brought me a cup of coffee this morning. And that, young man, is what marriage is made of, it is give and take 50/50. And if you don't get it together, and drop these macho attitudes, you ain't never gonna have anybody bringing you anything anywhere anyplace anytime evah! Now what would you like in your coffee?
- Elvin: Maybe I could get you some coffee.
- Clair: Elvin that's all right. I don't mind getting it. But thanks for offering.
- [Clair leaves room]
- Cliff: Elvin?
- Elvin: Yes sir?
- Cliff: When she brings the coffee back, if I were you I wouldn't drink it.
Theo And The Older Woman [2.05]Edit
- Denise: Daddy, did you know that Susan is coming over today?
- Cliff: The girl from your social studies class?
- Denise: Yeah. You're in your pajamas.
- Cliff: Right, well you said the two of you wanted to observe normal everyday activities.
- Denise: And this is what you're wearing?
- Cliff: Denise, today's Saturday, you're lucky I have on what I have on.
- Clair: [about gardening] If this is so lovely, how come you're not down here giving me a hand?
- Cliff: Because that's dirt.
- Clair: No, to you it's dirt. To me, it's life.
- Cliff: Ha ha. Then why is it that you get upset when the children track life into the house?
- Clair: I remember this guy named Jimmy Peterson. Now you see, Jimmy Peterson used to hang out at the city pool everyday, all summer long, and he was the finest thing there. And I knew that if I wanted to be his girlfriend, I had to get him to notice me. So, one day, I climbed the high-dive, which was something that only the absolute coolest girls did, because, see I knew he was gonna be watching.
- Vanessa: What happened?
- Clair: Well I got up on the high-dive, and I strutted out on that board to try and do the meanest swan dive in the history of swimming, got to the edge of the board, looked down and discovered why they call the high-dive, the high-dive. I stood there trembling, with Jimmy Peterson and everyone up there looking up at me!
- Vanessa: What did you do?
- Clair: I did the only thing I could do. I made everybody waiting on the ladder get off so I could get down! I walked past Jimmy Peterson, I was so embarrassed, I couldn't even look him in the face. I never spoke to him again! That's how I ended up with your father.
- Clair: [whispers] Rudy, come here, quick! Rudy, do you see that guy over there?
- Rudy: Daddy?
- Clair: Listen, I want you to go over there and tell him that you heard that I thought he was cute.
- Rudy: [goes over to Cliff] Mommy said that she heard that she thinks you're cute.
- Cliff: Who?
- Rudy: Mommy!
- Cliff: Mommy said that she heard that she thinks she's cute?
- Rudy: You!
- Cliff: You tell her that I think that she is allllllriiiiight! [Cliff stops Rudy] Wait, wait, wait, come back here a minute. But don't tell her that I said it. You tell her that you heard that I might have said it.
- [Rudy nods and goes to Clair]
- Rudy: Daddy said that he might heard that you are goooooourgest!
- Clair: I want you to go back and tell him that you thought you heard that I would like to go out on a date with him Saturday night at 12:05.
- Rudy: [to Cliff] Mommy said that she heard that she would like to go on a date with you at three-oh-oh.
- Cliff: Tell her that at 0300, the leukocytes will take over all of the minejectnofields and that I will kiss her on the steps of the Theresa hotel.
- Rudy: [to Clair] He said a zeuklomax and a zuklomax may bo and she wants, uh he wants to meet you on the steps of the hotel-of-something.
- Clair: Now...
- Rudy: No no no, come on. [leads Clair over to Cliff]
- Cliff: What did she say?
- Rudy: No no no!
- Cliff: She said no?
Denise Drives [2.07]Edit
- Clair: [about Denise] I bet I know what she wants. She wants to borrow your car.
- Cliff: No, I think she want's to borrow your car.
- Clair: I don't think so.
- Cliff: Why?
- Clair: Because my car is a Station Wagon. Now when was the last time you saw a teenager driving a Station Wagon?
- Cliff: I better hide my car.
- Clair: Denise, deep down, you know you can pretty much do anything you want because you know we're always there to bail you out. You see, we're your safety net. We're so good at it, half the time you don't even know we're doing it. And, your father and I accept that responsibility because we're your parents. And, you'd better not ever forget that, young lady. Because if you ever take this attitude with us again, you can take whatever is in that bank account of yours and go discover America!
Rudy Suits Up [2.08]Edit
- Cliff: [as the family gets ready to watch Rudy in a football game] All right, now everyone's in the car, come on.
- Clair: If you don't mind, I think I'd rather stay here.
- Cliff: But today, is your daughter's football debut! Today, we're going to watch the Gray Ghost gallop!
- Clair: Cliff, I really don't think I can take this.
- Cliff: Yeah but you said to me, when our son was going to play, you said 'Cliff, I think it's important that the father be down there to watch the boy.' Now I'm telling you, 'Claire I think it's important for the mother to go down and watch the daughter.' Now come on.
- Clair: All right I'm gonna go, but I'm telling you right now. If anybody, ANYBODY at all, tries to hurt my baby, I'm gonna go out there and stop them.
- Cliff: This is gonna be a wonderful game, see a mother running out on the field throwing somebody's child up in the stands.
Clair's Sister [2.09]Edit
- [Theo comes in with a record]
- Theo: Hey, dad.
- Cliff: [setting up a chess board] Hey, son. Did you get the record you wanted?
- Theo: Yes, and I was lucky. This was the last one in the store.
- Cliff: How much did it cost?
- Theo: Uhh, $7.88.
- Cliff: And how much money did I give you?
- Theo:: Ten dollars.
- [Cliff looks at Theo with a big grin on his face for a few seconds]
- Cliff: So...?
- Theo: So?
- Cliff: [Cliff holds out his hands in a shaking motion, Theo gives him a high five] NO! No, no no! Where's my change?
- Theo: Change?
- Cliff: Change!
- Theo: Well, I didn't know you wanted it back.
- Cliff: Well since when have you know for me to give somebody a three dollar bonus for borrowing seven dollars?
- Garvin: What are they laughing at?
- Al: Us.
- Cliff: They're laughing at what we are, and what you're going to be.
- Garvin: What's that?
- Cliff: A husband.
- Al: I wonder how they'd feel if we all laughed at them.
- Cliff: We can't.
- Garvin: Why not?
- Cliff: Because they're not funny.
Denise's Friend [2.10]Edit
- [Clair is playfully strangling Cliff, because he is having trouble recalling the night he proposed to her]
- Denise: [enters] Hi dad.
- Cliff: [rough voice] Oh, hi.
- Clair: I'm just having a talk with your father.
- Cliff: No no, see this woman is just trying to strangle me.
- Denise: Well what did you do?
- Cliff: I made a mistake, and I proposed to this wo- [Claire tightens her grip]
- Clair: Don't remember ONE thing about that night! I am going to burn this sweater!
- Cliff: You don't have to burn anything, I told you, I don't have to remember everything, I remember the important things. Ask me another question.
- Clair: What was playing on the car radio when you proposed?
- Cliff: When I proposed? On the car radio? Ray Charles, I Can't Stop Loving You, 1962, sold 14 million copies!
- Clair: [lovingly] Cliff-
- Cliff: Now deal with that!
Clair's Toe [2.11]Edit
- Cliff: That's it. You're going to the emergency room.
- Clair: What if they tell me it's broken?
- Cliff: If no one tells you it's broken, and it is broken, how will you know it's broken?
- Cliff: [Looking at the x-ray] Look, look at this. Right here. See that?
- Theo: Oh, wait a minute! That looks like a hair.
- Cliff: That's right! This is called a hairline fracture of the promixal phalanx of the fourth toe. Understand that?
- Theo: That's cool!
- Cliff: All right, it is!
- Clair: Will the two of you please take my foot someplace else and leave me alone?
- Cliff: Okay. You want to take it to school and show it to your friends?
Mrs. Westlake [2.12]Edit
- Theo: Dad, what are you doing?
- Cliff: I'm putting hors d'oeuvres down for the guests.
- Theo: Why?
- Cliff: Because I always put hors d'oeuvres out for the guests.
- Theo: Dad, this is gonna make the evening longer. Couldn't we just come in and go to table, start eating?
- Cliff: If you'd like I just put the food in a brown paper bag and have 'em eat it out on the sidewalk.
Vanessa's Bad Grade [2.13]Edit
- Clair: Vanessa, what has gotten into you? I have never, ever seen you act like this.
- Vanessa: Mom, come on, Denise and I have fought over clothes before.
- Cliff: But not to the death!
- Theo: Robert, do you have any sisters?
- Robert: No..
- Theo: Well, go home tonight and thank your parents!
The Auction [2.14]Edit
- Rudy: Sondra, promise you won't get mad.
- Sondra: What did you do?
- Rudy: I spilled nail polish.
- Sondra: Okay. We'll go clean it up.
- Rudy: In your suitcase.
- [Cliff is bidding on a painting and keeps getting outbid]
- Rudy: Hey, you, stop that! That's my daddy's painting!
- Auctioneer: All right, we have $1000 and a little girl who loves her daddy.
Theo and Cockroach [2.15]Edit
- Cliff: [Yelling at some snowball-throwing kids] This is Dr. Huxtable! I delivered some of you! I'm a parent and a taxpayer! And I am probably the only adult who will sue little children!
The Dentist [2.16]Edit
- Dr. Burns: I think if you were to go ahead of Peter and show him there's nothing to be afraid of, he'd do it. Do you understand?
- Rudy: Yes.
- Dr. Burns: But you won't do it?
- Rudy: No.
- Dr. Burns: No...you mean I'm in this alone?
- [Cliff makes a dental appointment with Dr. Burns.]
- Dr. Burns: So I'll see you Thursday afternoon 4 o'clock.
- Cliff: Dr. Burns, will you show me the teeth?
- Dr. Burns: Yes.
- Cliff: Will you let me ride in the 'tooth shuttle'?
- Dr. Burns: Well, you're getting a little old for that, but yes. Oh, and Cliff?
- Cliff: Yes?
- Dr. Burns: When you leave, take just one toy please?
- Cliff: But I let you kiss my wife!
- Dr. Burns: Two toys?
Play It Again, Russell [2.17]Edit
- Cliff: No, no, we're not gonna play "Do You Remember."
A Touch of Wonder [2.18]Edit
- Clair: I don't know what to say, but I know what to play.
- Stevie Wonder: Vanessa, that's a pretty name.
- Vanessa: Thank you, Sir.
- Stevie Wonder: You're welcome, Madam.
- Theo: Jammin' on the one.
Full House [2.19]Edit
Close to Home [2.20]Edit
- Cliff: Well, I believe that's the first time a Morehouse man has had nothing to say!
- Dr. Morgan: Or come to a Hillman man for advice!
- Denise: Well, it's saying something to me right now.
- Clair: What?
- Denise: It's saying, "Bring me a tea bag."
An Early Spring [2.21]Edit
- Cockroach: Why do I need math? When I get older, I'm gonna inherit my dad's scrap-iron business.
- Cliff: You need math because you're gonna have to be able to count the pieces of metal as they come off the line.
- Cockroach: We have a foreman who does that.
- Cliff: Okay, you need math so you can count the money.
- Cockroach: We have an accountant who does that.
- Cliff: Then you're gonna be broke!
- Cockroach: No way!
- Cliff: If the foreman can count and the accountant can count and you can't, you're gonna be broke!
- Clair: You can't ride to the park unless you are accompanied by an adult.
- Rudy: Will you 'upcompany' me?
Theo's Holiday [2.22]Edit
- Theo: Dad, can I have an advance on my allowance?
- Cliff: I'm sorry son, you're already backed up to your 50th birthday.
- Cliff: [after Denise and Clair tell Theo what the real world is like] Your mother and your sister are absolutely correct. You see, we´re your family. We love you. We let you borrow money even you´re not qualified to pay it back. If you get out in the real world, it´s going to be different.
- Theo: But when I get in the real world, I´m doing just fine, ´cause I´m gonna have a lot of money.
- Cliff: I hope you´re not waiting for me to die.
- Theo: No, I´m gonna earn it.
- Cliff: How?
- Theo: I´m going to be a model.
- [Vanessa, Rudy and Cliff laugh at Theo]
- Rudy: [seriously talks about Theo´s debt to her] I want my quarter now!
The Card Game [2.23]Edit
- Dr. Foster: My father said no matter how dumb the dealer looks, always cut the cards.
- Homer: You know, Russell, this reminds of the days when we used to go down to the baseball diamond.
- Russell: Yeah, I remember those days..but, sometimes it would rain and we'd have to stay in the clubhouse.
- Homer: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna lead with clubs!
- Russell: Good play!
- [Cliff plays his King, and Russell plays the Ace.]
- Homer: You had the Ace?
- Russell: Dr. Foster, if you'll throw your card, I can collect this trick!
- Dr. Foster: That may be difficult to do, Mr. Huxtable Senior...since you threw your Ace in my face, I may have to bump your rump with my trump!
Off to the Races [2.24]Edit
- Clair (to Cliff about the Mega Dolls): Theres a whole family of them. There's "Mega Girl," "Mega Boy," she's married to "Mega Man" and they all drive around all day in "The Mega Mobile."
- Clair: Cliff, do you want to be 19 again?
- Cliff: Only if you'll be 19 with me.
- Clair: Sure.
- Cliff: And the kids can be 49.
Denise's Decision [2.25]Edit
- Cliff: Yes, the University of Life. I understand some of its graduates have gone on to move back home with their parents!
- Vanessa: Did Denise decide on a college while we were gone?
- Clair: About a dozen times.
Bring 'em Back Alive [3.01]Edit
- [after Rudy is asked if she can identify a snake she saw in the basement from a reptile book]
- Vanessa: Okay, here we go. "The Reptile Family." Sort of a who's who of snakes. [chuckles and give the book to Cliff]
- Cliff: Okay, here we are. [opens the book to the first page]
- Rudy: [immediately points to the page] THAT'S IT! [short pause] That's it!
- Cliff: [in disbelief] This is the snake? [Rudy nods] That's an anaconda. It lives in Brazil.
- Vanessa: Rudy, it's 25 feet long and weighs 200 pounds!
- Rudy: That's what I saw.
- Cliff: I don't think this snake lives in the United States.
- Rudy: It could come for a visit.
- Clair: I'm going to call the zoo.
- Cliff: The zoo?! The zoo does not want a garter snake. Garter snakes go to the zoo to see real snakes.
Food for Thought [3.02]Edit
Golden Anniversary [3.03]Edit
Man Talk [3.04]Edit
Mother, May I? [3.05]Edit
- Clair: Mmm, mmm,mmm, mmm. It is amazing what you can find when a person takes off her sunglasses.
- Vanessa: Mom, I didn't mean to put on the make-up. But, all of a sudden all of this stuff was on my face. It was like temporary insanity!
- Vanessa: I did it, I'm sorry and I should be punished.
- Cliff: We know it, we accept, and you will be.
The March [3.06]Edit
Theo's Flight [3.07]Edit
- [After Rudy announces that she has a boyfriend, named Bud]
- Cockroach: Now, Rudy, I thought you told me I was your boyfriend.
- Rudy: You're too old!
- Theo: [laughing] Cockroach, it's amazing! You get turned down by women of ALL ages!
- Clair: You're not going to fly, and I'll give you three reasons why. First in order to learn to fly you must be young, second, to go off flying you need time, and as a physician, you don't have that, and third, you're not allowed.
- Cliff: Who says?
- Clair: I says, Bud.
Vanessa's Rich [3.08]Edit
- Vanessa: [to Cliff and Clair] It's YOUR fault I have this problem. If you weren't rich, I wouldn't have this problem.
- Cliff: Your mother and I are rich. YOU have nothing!
- Clair: Vanessa, you are rich, because you have got a family that loves you!
Denise Gets a D [3.09]Edit
- Denise: In high school, my teacher watched me work very closely. He supervised my work, told me how to do my work and that's why I passed high school. In college, the professors just give me an assignment, say "Do it", and then don't say a word about it until it's due.
A Girl and Her Dog [3.10]Edit
War Stories [3.11]Edit
Cliff in Charge [3.12]Edit
Monster Man Huxtable [3.13]Edit
Rudy Spends the Night [3.14]Edit
- Maxine: Theo, why do you think we came over here?
- Theo: To get help with your math.
- Maxine: Why would we do that when we get higher grades in math than you do?
Say Hello to a Good Buy [3.15]Edit
Denise Gets an Opinion [3.16]Edit
- Vanessa: You were saying that in life you must always move forward.
- Robert: Yes, but I was hoping we could move forward together.
- Vanessa: We will...as friends.
- Robert: [sadly] Okay, I hear what you're saying.
- Vanessa: And who knows what the future holds. Maybe I'll feel differently in time.
- Robert: Vanessa?
- Vanessa: Yeah?
- Robert: Would it speed things up if I begged?
Calling Dr. Huxtable [3.17]Edit
- Rudy: Smoking's not good for you. It makes your breath stink, it gets your lungs dirty, and then you die. Smoking also causes forest fires, which is why you never see animals smoke.
- Vanessa: I think she gets the point, Rudy.
- Rudy: None of MY friends smoke!
- Vanessa: Wait, Theo said that when you caught him and Cockroach smoking, you yelled so loud you cracked the walls.
- Cliff: Yeah, because those two were smoking, I knock on the door they go 'oh wait! Just a minute! Just a minute', so I open the door. They go 'Hello dad!' and 'Hello Dr. Huxtable', they've tossed the cigarettes under the bed still lit! Smoke's coming up, I ask a stupid question, I say 'have you been smoking?' they go 'Oh no' and smoke's coming out the side of their mouths, I say what's that? They say 'Oh well we were trying this very spicy beef jerky'. They're lucky I didn't crack more than the walls by yelling.
You Only Hurt the One You Love [3.18]Edit
- Clair: Theo, since you enjoy playing circus so much, you can be part of one: the Huxtable circus. This is the big top. And you get to clean the big top from top to bottom, stating with those windows.Then you can do the floors.
- Cliff: Look at it this way son; here, no elephants.
The Shower [3.19]Edit
Cliff's 50th Birthday [3.20]Edit
- Sondra: Turning fifty is a monumental occasion in a man's life.
- Cliff: Oh, Lord, who let this child in the house?
- Mark: [who is in the doghouse with Clair] I'd really like to talk to Clair.
- Cliff: Alright, but just remember. You don't have me to block for you any more.
I Know That You Know [3.21]Edit
- Cliff: You are leaving this house now. You are leaving this house.
- Elvin: But...
- Cliff: No! No! You're leaving, you're leaving! You wanna now why? Because I GOTCHA!
Andalusian Flu [3.22]Edit
- [Clair and Cliff are in bed sick]
- Clair: Let's call Theo.
- Cliff: Okay, on the count of three: one, two, three!
- Cliff and Clair: [Very weakly] Theo...Theo.
- Cliff: I'm all yelled out.
- Clair: Cliff, do you think any of them will ever come up and check on us?
- Cliff: I don't think so, dear. I think they've got us right where they want us.
- Clair: How are we going to get the water?
- Cliff: I'll get it. Gimme some help.
- [Clair gives him a nudge out of bed and he immediately falls on his face]
- Clair: Cliff?
- Cliff: Hm?
- Clair: Are you okay?
- Cliff: Yes, dear. I'm just gonna take a little nap.
- Cliff: Do you have to hammer?
- Workman: I don't HAVE to...but I wouldn't feel right getting paid for just standing here.
Bald and Beautiful [3.23]Edit
- Scott: You mean Clair lets you eat potato chips?
- Cliff: Lets me eat potato chips!?! I'm a man, I'll eat what I want!
- Jill: Honey, if you touch that pizza, you're dead.
- Scott: Dear, one little piece of pizza won't hurt me.
- Jill: I'll kill you.
Planning Parenthood [3.24]Edit
- Vanessa: Would you like to do me a really big favor?
- Theo: No.
- Vanessa: Oh, come on Theo. You owe me a favor. Remember the time when you wanted to buy that yo-yo that lights up in the dark? I was the one that lent you the 75 cents.
- Theo: That was three years ago Vanessa.
- Cliff: These hamburgers are too big for the kids, so if you could take them back...
- Waiter: And you want me to cover them in ketchup, mustard and pickles and squeeze them into regular hamburger buns.
- Cliff: Yes!
- Waiter: Say no more, I have three kids myself, they don't like to eat here either.
Call of the Wild [4.01]Edit
- [Elvin and Sondra's diplomas have just fallen off the wall of their run-down apartment]
- Cliff: These are your degrees from Princeton.
- Elvin: Yes.
- Cliff: Fell down.
- Elvin: Yes.
- Cliff: Rather symbolic, don't you think?
- Clair: Rudy, has Theo come home yet?
- Rudy: No. Are we going to be late for Vanessa's play?
- Clair: We better not be. I'll give him three more minutes, then we got to leave without him.
It Ain't Easy Being Green [4.03]Edit
- Rudy: Mom?
- Clair: Yes, honey.
- Rudy: This is the dress I'm wearing to Kelly's party, okay? Okay, bye.
- Clair: Just a minute, Rudy.
- Rudy: Yes, Mom.
- Clair: Come here, please.
- Rudy: What for?
- Clair: Just come here. You know, just last month we put that dress and all your summer clothes in a trunk, and I told you it's getting too cold for you to wear them.
- Rudy: Yesterday, it was hot.
- Clair: Well, I know, but yesterday was an unusual day. Today it's 52 degrees.
- Rudy: It's probably going to get hot when the party starts.
- Clair: I don't think so, Rudy. The weatherman says it's gonna get colder, so why don't you take that dress and put it back in the trunk.
- Rudy: But this is my favorite dress. Can I wear it to the party? Please?
- Clair: Mmm, I want you to dress warm.
- Rudy: I am warm.
- Clair: Well, you're in the house. But, Rudy, if you go outside dressed like that, you're gonna catch a cold.
- Rudy: I don't care, as long as I can wear my dress.
- Clair: I'm sorry. The answer is "no."
- Rudy: But I wanna wear it.
- Clair: Well, I'm sorry, sweetie. You're not wearing it.
- Rudy: Yes I am.
- Clair: Young lady... don't you talk back to me. A "no" is a "no," understand?
- Rudy: But, Mommy, you're making me feel bad.
- Clair: Oh, Rudy, if you don't listen to me, you don't feel much worse. Now take that dress, put it back in the trunk, and let's have no further discussion about it, please.
- Rudy: I have one more question.
- Clair: Yes, what is it?
- Rudy: Can I wear my dress to the party this one time? Please?
- Clair: No. Upstairs now.
- Rudy: But Mo--
- Clair: Rudy! If I hear one more word out of you, you're not going to that party. I mean it.
- Cliff: Hey! You forgot the water heater! Hey! Hey! The water heater!
- Rudy: Hi.
- Cliff: Hey.
- Rudy: You look sad.
- Cliff: It wouldn't take my water heater away.
- Rudy: I'm sorry.
- Cliff: Mm. What's the matter with you?
- Rudy: I'm little. And when you're little, you're nothing.
- Cliff: So you're nothing?
- Rudy: I am a big nothing.
Cliff's Mistake [4.04]Edit
- Cliff: Hey, I'm going down to the novelty shop to pick up something for Rudy's haunted house party.
- Clair: What are you getting?
- Cliff: Well, I don't know, but I mean, you know, I am the master of fright.
- Clair: You just remember that they're children.
- Cliff: No, no, I'll take it easy on them. Hee hee hee hee.
- Clair: Oh, Jeffrey Engels called. He's gonna be over here in an hour.
- Cliff: Clair. It's past 7 a.m., dear.
- Clair: So?
- Cliff: Well, you have to go to work.
- Clair: I quit.
- Cliff: No, you're a partner in the law firm. Hit it.
- Clair: I'll be a silent partner.
That's Not What I Said [4.06]Edit
- Vanessa: Here you go, Mom. I brought you some warm milk and cookies.
- Clair: Thank you, sweetheart.
Autumn Gifts [4.07]Edit
- Cliff: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop that.
- Rudy: What?
- Cliff: What? Haven't you ever heard of a glass?
- Rudy: But, Daddy, I'm in a hurry. I'm going to Mrs. Hickson's house to play go fish.
Looking Back: Part 1 [4.08a]Edit
- Clair: Especially if you're a father like Cliff. See, he's always seen himself as the protector of his daughters.
Looking Back: Part 2 [4.08b]Edit
- Vanessa: I didn't know you were coming over today.
Where's Rudy? [4.09]Edit
- Cliff: I don't know what it is between your ears and brain that is dislodged. So whenever we tell you "watch your sister", by the time it travels to your brain it turns to "let her go wandering around the mall." And I just pray to the heavens that I could find something to fix it. A screwdriver, or maybe a brick!
- Kim: Are you lost?
- Rudy: I was with my brother and sister but I left cause they were stupid.
- Cliff: There you go. Hit your little machine.
- Theo: All right, well, my computer says that I counter your move with bishop to knight 3.
Dance Mania [4.11]Edit
- Vanessa: Shhh!
- Theo: Don't tell me to shhh! I can talk when I wanna talk!
The Locker Room [4.12]Edit
The Show Must Go On [4.13]Edit
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star [4.14]Edit
The Visit [4.15]Edit
The Drum Major [4.16]Edit
Once Upon a Time [4.18]Edit
- The Wizard (Vanessa): [[being summoned] Greetings, your majesty! So tell me, what would you have me conjure for you today?
- King of Nasty (Kenny): I want to go to war, and I want you to find somebody to fight!
- Wizard: Well, let me look in my crystal ball! [holds up crystal ball] Don't tell me less / Don't tell me more / Just tell me / Who we should fight in war! ...Wait a second...it's kinda fuzzy in here. This ball must have been on the radiator too long, I can't see anything!
- Duke of Doom (Peter's Younger Brother): Off with her head!!
- Wizard: Wait wait! I see something...I see a land near here, where everyone is happy!
- King of Nasty: I HATE happy people! They think they're hot stuff!
- Evil Grunt (Heathcliff): Well happy people are not too bad, some of my best friends are happy people.
- Duke of Doom: Off with his head!!
- Evil Grunt: Uhh...well happy people stink actually, I think we should waste them!
- King of Nasty: Tell me more, wizard.
- Wizard: Their land is across the ocean and past the desert! They have toys for everyone and they like to sing!
- Duke of Doom: They sound like wimps!
- Evil Grunt: Yeah.
- King of Nasty: That does it! I hereby declare war!
- Evil Grunt: War it is your highness and your most horrendous attackedness!
- King of Nasty: But first, let's sing our song!
- Evil Company: We don't like the day / We can't stand the night / We really hate to play / We only like to fight / And we'll do it in your face!! / We don't like the day / We can't stand the night / We really hate to play / We only like to fight / AND WE'LL DO IT IN YOUR FACE!!!
- Evil Grunt: Your majesty, should I read them the new rules now?
- King of Nasty: Yes!
- Evil Grunt: [evil laugh; produces a piece of paper] Having lost the war, you are now subject to our rules! They are as follows! Rule number one: All your toys are now our toys and you can't play with them EVER AGAIN!
- Song Leader (Claire): That's not fair!
- Evil Grunt: Rule number two: From now on the farmers will only be allowed to grow brrrroccoli!
- Farmer Husband (Elvin): What about our floobaroos?!
- King of Nasty: We'll be eating those!
- Evil Grunt: Rule number three: Whenever you pass one of us, you must stop and say "You are a fabulous guuuyyyy!" Rule number four: There will be no parties in town unless WE have them! Rule number five: None of you are invited to OUR PARTIES! [evil laugh]
- Good Messenger (Theo): Now I was with you up until that one.
- King of Nasty: Silence!
- Evil Grunt: Rule number six: You now work for US, for NO MONEY, and NO BENEFITS, and you still have to...pay TAXES! Rule number seven: All taxes will be doubled, starting NOW!!
- Mr. Mayor (Russell): I will not stand for this, as mayor of this land I must protest the treatment of my people!
- Evil Grunt: Rule number eight: Anyone who protests is going to...GET IT!!
- Wizard: Your majesty, why don't you let me imprison him in my crystal ball?
- King of Nasty: Excellent! Very nasty idea!
- Wizard: Oh this mayor who has such gall / It is time for him to fall now, in front of one and all / Put him in my crystal ball!
[thunder sounds as a cloud of fog envelopes the mayor as the townsfolk worry, however the fog clears to show the mayor trapped in a wall]
- WIzard: Oh no, I said BALL not WALL!!
- Duke of Doom: You're pitiful!
- Mr. Mayor: Even if I am trapped inside this wall, I will not give up until you are driven from our land!
- King of Nasty: You have a long way! Read 'em the last rule!
- Evil Grunt: Rule number nine: You will only sing our songs, you cannot sing songs of your own anymore! [evil laugh]
- Song Leader: But we're a singing people! We must sing our songs!
- Evil Grunt: [affectionately] But perhaps you and I can sing a few duets, I could arrange that if you get my drift.
- King of Nasty: Henchman, SILENCE!
- Evil Grunt: I beg your pardon, your interuptedness. So! Let us sing our song!
- Evil Company: We don't like the day / We can't stand the night / We really hate to play / We only like to fight / AND WE'LL DO IT IN YOUR FACE!!!
Trust Me [4.20]Edit
Home for the Weekend [4.21]Edit
The Prom [4.22]Edit
Gone Fishin' [4.23]Edit
Together Again and Again [5.01]Edit
- Theo: I don't get it. If you weren't going back to school, why did you pack all your bags?
- Denise: 'Cause soon as I tell Mom and Dad what I'm doing, Dad's going to throw me out of the house.
- Vanessa: Good. That means I'll get my room back.
- Rudy: So will I.
- Denise: You guys! I'm about to face a really difficult situation and all you can think about is yourselves?
- Vanessa: Hey, who else are we supposed to think about?
- Rudy: Yeah! [they leave the room]
- Denise: I've decided to discontinue my college education.
- Clair: Come again, young lady?
- Denise: I'm not going back to Hillman.
- Cliff: Wanna bet?
The Physical [5.02]Edit
Rudy's All Nighter [5.03]Edit
Move It [5.04]Edit
Out of Brooklyn [5.05]Edit
The Birth [5.06]Edit
Cyranoise De Bergington [5.07]Edit
How Do You Get to Carnegie Hall? [5.08]Edit
- [After Vanessa and her friends' dance routine]
- Rudy: I thought they were hot!
- Clair: Maybe you should go up to your room and cool off!
- Rudy: Aw, man!!! [goes upstairs]
- Kara: Mrs. Huxtable, is there something wrong?
- Clair: I don't know who you think you are, but you are not the people who just came down here in my living room, half-dressed, flinging parts from one end to the other!
- Cliff: Are my eyes deceiving me? Aren't you all swollen in areas where you weren't swollen before?
- Clair: Thank you. Because I definitely detect some growth! [approaches Vanessa and removes a large wad of tissues from top portion of her outfit]
- Vanessa: Mom! That's part of our outfits!
- Clair: The only part of your clothing that you will be allowed to stuff things into will be your pockets. Now you take this and go upstairs and put some clothes on! [To Kara and Janet] Now I'm not your mother, but I feel safe in saying I speak for them when I say go cover yourselves immediately!
- Kara and Janet: Yes, Mrs. Huxtable. [The girls go upstairs]
- Vanessa: [muttering] C'mon guys. You know I finally thought they were open enough to understand I'm not a child anymore.
- Cliff: [yells upstairs] And don't put those tissues back in the box!
- Clair: Did you see Miss Kara with that bra on on top of the leotard? Tell me!
- Cliff: Did I see it? I...
- Clair: We have made a mistake! We have planted roses, but we keep getting these weeds! Sondra's in the wilderness, Denise is in the jungle, and she's on the Locomotion! [yells upstairs] You better take that wall paint off your faces! Before the mothers come in here and see me. They'll be blaming me.
- Cliff: Yeah, now let's...
- Clair: Running around here dressed in nothing! Jumping around like they just hopped off the hot seat! Suppose some fool comes along, sees that, takes them seriously, Vanessa could end up on a stage somewhere across the country in a smoke-filled cafe, singing and dancing, and gyrating like that. And I won't be around to take the tissues out then. I am not!
- Cliff: No, no. See...
- Clair: What do they know? What do they know?! "Easy as doing your ABC's" [yells upstairs again] Miss 1400 on the SATs! I got your locomotion down here in the living room with a science book!
- Cliff: Right!
- Clair: And take that makeup off!
- Cliff: That's right!
- Clair: I can see it now! Sittin' in a Hollywood swimming pool with a remote phone in her hand calling me up [imitating a snobby girl] "Hi, Mom, Babe! Let's do lunch!" I will not have it! [storms into the kitchen]
- Cliff: [yells upstairs] And that goes for me, too!
If The Dress Fits, Wear It [5.09]Edit
- Emma: [before an exercise class] Good afternoon, all you sagging hunks of flesh! I see you've been munching those bon-bons and eating that gourmet ice cream; it looks like some of you went back for seconds! I know what you were thinking..."I'll enjoy it now and pay later." Well, let me introduce myself. I'm later!"
- Clair: [to Emma] Now whatever the diet and whatever the exercise, you just bring it on because I am here to work! And I am going to be so good when I'm finished, I'm going to make my own video: The Clair Huxtable Workout. And I'm not going to give you a copy. You're going to have to buy your own!
Is There a Hampster in the House? [5.10]Edit
Cliff Babysits [5.11]Edit
- [Winnie & Nelson are looking up, so Cliff looks up as well]
- Cliff: You're going to have to help me out here, what are we looking at?
- Cliff: [talking to the babies about his brother] James was very small, and this kid said, "He looks rather sickly", and James punched him in the face. And I look at my brother and he's [rocking back and forth with a smug look] and I say, "GO JAMES!" Anyway, he died and then I was very sad, but he's still with me, he's with me here [Points to heart] and he's going to be with you because I'm going to tell you stories about him.
Truth or Consequences [5.12]Edit
The Lost Weekend [5.13]Edit
- Guy: The coffee table broke. It broke when I was dancing on it.
- Theo: You were dancing on a coffee table?!
- Guy: Don't worry. I'm not going to sue you.
Theo I was thinking about going away Cliff "Yeah lets go Theo Where Cliff Away
- Clair: So that's where you took Theo.
- Cliff: That's the second place, the first place was the army recruiter. I was serious, I was going to put his you know what in the army. We got there and there were 50 parents there, with 50 kids, all in line ahead of us. Some of them had their kids by the neck, one had a rope tied around her kid, then after 7 parents and kids went in and came back out, the army recruiter came out with a bullhorn. And he said, "Now listen up! All you parents who brought your kids here because they racked up money over the weekend on the credit card, or because your kid made somebody pregnant, or because they threw a party and destroyed the house, GET OUT OF LINE!"
Mrs. Huxtable Goes to Kindergarten [5.14]Edit
Dead End Kids Meet Dr. Lotus [5.15]Edit
Can I Say Something? [5.16]Edit
- Clair: Rudy, why don't you go upstairs and do your homework, honey. I'll check in on you at 9:30. Be ready for bed.
- Rudy: [grumbling] 9:30! Why can't I stay up past 9:30! And they say it's a free world, HA! That's what they think. It's a free nothing!
- Cliff: It's free because we pay for it!
- Vanessa: When I was your age, I always wanted to stay up past my bedtime, but I could never figure out how to do it. You went to Mom and Dad with your list, and they changed it. Way to go!
- Rudy: Come on! What are you really doing? You're making fun of me, aren't you?
- Vanessa: No, I mean it. I'm really proud of you.
- Rudy: I don't believe it! You came here to laugh at me because I'm tired. Well, it won't work!
- Vanessa: What's the matter with you?
- Rudy: Don't play dumb with me. I know what you're really doing here! The whole family's setting me up to fail. Kenny told me. He said you're going to try to teach me a lesson. You don't think I can stay up. Well I'm on to you, sista! You're the ones that are going to look like fools, see! Yeah, when I pull this off!
- Vanessa: You know what your problem is? You've been staying up too late watching too many of those old gangster movies.
- Rudy: I'll watch what I want, when I want! And you palookas can't stop me! I've been in tougher fixes than this! And you can just take your phony smile and hit the bricks!
- Vanessa: Hit the bricks?!?
- Rudy: Yeah, scram, baby! [Vanessa leaves the room as Rudy goes back to her desk] They're not going to take me alive, yeah!
No Way Baby [5.17]Edit
It Comes And It Goes [5.18]Edit
The Boys of Winter [5.19]Edit
Theo's Women [5.20]Edit
Birthday Blues [5.21]Edit
A Room with No View [5.22]Edit
- [Rudy and Vanessa are drinking orange juice]
- Rudy: It's easy, for me, because I have better manners than you.
- Vanessa: Rudy, its not nice to say that you have better manners than someone.
- Rudy: Its true, because if you had any manners at all, maybe you have a boyfriend right now, and you don't because you're a pig.
- Vanessa: You're the slop that pigs eat.
- Rudy: You are the piggy that make all the other piggies sick.
- [Vanessa starts strangling Rudy. Cliff comes in the kitchen]
- Cliff: Stop it! What are you doing?
- Vanessa: I just wanted to straighten out her shirt.
What He Did for Love [5.23]Edit
Day of the Locusts [5.24]Edit
57 Varieties [5.25]Edit
Denise: The Saga Continues [6.01]Edit
Surf's Up [6.02]Edit
- Clair (to Theo): You tied sponges to your butts?
I'm IN with the 'IN' Crowd [6.03]Edit
- Vanessa: [hungover] Daddy? Oh, Daddy...My stomach hurts. My head...EVERYTHING hurts. Please...give me something, anything...!
- Cliff: [gently] Nothing I can give you, kid. There's no cure for this.
- Theo: I never thought Vanessa would crack under the pressure.
- Clair: What pressure?
- Theo: The pressure of growing up in this family. Because of what you guys have accomplished, people expect a lot more from us than other kids. Think about it, you're a lawyer, dad's a doctor. That's a lot of pressure mom.
- Clair: We never said "become a doctor" "become a lawyer", we said "go to school, study, become whatever you want".
- Theo: There you go, pressure! "Go to school" "become something", that's a lot of pressure, mom. All my friends see it.
- Clair: Theo, when do you feel this pressure?
- Theo: Every now and then.
- Clair: This isn't about pressure, Vanessa got drunk because she and her friends were bored. Although they had television, VCR, video cassettes, audio cassettes, books.
- Cliff: And each other.
- Clair: Thank you.
- Cliff: That they call every five minutes when they're away, yet they were bored together.
- Clair: So you see, she did not feel any pressure from us, the only pressure she felt was from her friends.
- Martin: [to Denise] You forgot to confirm the housing?
- Admiral: That's what I told you!
- Martin: Sorry, sir. I'm taken off guard. Denise, I told you!!
- Denise: I know. I'm sorry.
- Admiral: Would you like me to leave you two alone?
Theo's Gift [6.05]Edit
Denise Kendall: Babysitter [6.06]Edit
Shall We Dance? [6.07]Edit
- Mrs. McGee: Rudy, finish cleaning the blackboard and go home! Clarence, pick up your books and go home! And I'm going to go home, and sit in a hot tub... and re-evaluate my life!
The Day the Spores Landed [6.08]Edit
Thanksgiving at the Huxtables [6.09]Edit
[Cliff walks in with a small bag of groceries after being sent out for a second time in a big rain storm]
- Cliff: There's your dumb canned pumpkin, your stupid eggs, and your silly nut.
- Claire: Nutmeg, and thank you. [kisses Cliff] Will you take those wet things off before you catch a cold? [begins to unpack the groceries] Cliff, there are no eggs in here!
- Cliff: There's eggs in there! I put eggs in there, I bought eggs! [Claire lifts up the bag to show him it is empty] I don't care what that bag says, there's eggs in there!
- Claire: How am I supposed to make corn bread without eggs?
- Cliff: People don't need, uh, corn bread! Let- let 'em eat soda crackers!
Grampy and Nu-Nu Visit the Huxtables [6.10]Edit
- Cliff: And here we have the basement. This is the only room in the house where I can enjoy complete privacy because of the offspring repellent.
Cliff La Douce [6.11]Edit
Getting to Know You [6.12]Edit
Elvin Pays for Dinner [6.13]Edit
Cliff's Nightmare [6.14]Edit
Denise Kendall: Single's Counselor [6.15]Edit
The Birthday Party [6.16]Edit
Not Everybody Loves the Blues [6.17]Edit
- Clair: [Singing the blues] What am I to do? Surrounded by all these men. My sailor man is at sea. Now what was his name again?
Rudy's Walk on the Wildside [6.18]Edit
- Rudy: Would you tell my mom something for me?
- Olivia: Sure, your Mom's nice. What'd you do?
- Rudy: I borrowed some money to buy a sweat shirt.
- Olivia: That's not so bad.
- Rudy: It was the money she set out for the cleaners.
- Olivia: That's not so bad.
- Rudy: She put the money on the counter, and Kenny said he'd give me the money if I sold him my Magic Johnson poster, and I did, and he didn't, so I took the money from Mom.
- Olivia: Sorry, Rudy, I think you're on your own.
- [Rudy tells Cliff that she stole money]
- Cliff: If it was just $2.30, why'd you steal it? If it was just $2.30, why didn't you just come and ask me for it?
- Rudy: If I would've asked you for the $2.30, you would've asked "What's it for?" and I would've said "A sweat shirt", and you would've said "Do you know how much they paid coal miners in 1919?"
Mister Sandman [6.19]Edit
Isn't It Romantic? [6.20]Edit
Theo's Dirty Laundry [6.21]Edit
- Clair: When are you gonna get it, Theo? This is not about living with Justine. This is about doing something behind our backs and then lying to us about what it is you're doing!
- Theo: I'm sorry.
- Cliff: The other day, you said your mother and I were controlling you with our money and that you and Justine were gonna go live your own lives. Now, did you ever stop to think what would happen if we said, "no, you can't come back here"?
- Theo: No, I didn't. Clair: Of course you didn't. Because we're your SAFETY NET! You always do this, you go out into the world and you mess up. Why? You know we're always sittin' in this house waiting to take you BACK IN! It's always been that way.
- Theo: I know, Mom.
- Clair: You come back into this house, you listen to the speech we give, just like the one your father just gave, you go right back out into the world, you mess up, and you always get to come back into the house again! Well, honey, I'm sorry, I have had enough. I do not have the strength to give you the permission to come back into this house.
- Theo: Living with Justine has been good for my study habits. I mean she helps me organize. You know, just because you guys give me money doesn't mean you can control my life. You know if you guys aren't gonna get behind us on this, then Justine and I will just have to figure out a way to do it on our own and live our own lives! [Leaves the house]
- Cliff: [to Clair] He told you!
What's It All About? [6.22]Edit
Off to See the Wretched [6.23]Edit
- [After Clair and Cliff decide to wait for Vanessa]
- Cliff: I want you to do me a favor: Measure my heels from where I jump to the tips of my feet where I land. [He jumps across the living room.]
- Clair: [Counts and calculates.] One... two... about eight feet.
- Cliff: Eight feet? Add another three. Because when I see Vanessa, that's how far from her I will have to be.
- Clair: We think you're lying in the floor of some burning building, dying of asphyxia, and you're down in Baltimore, having big fun! Weren't you, Vanessa? Isn't that where you were? Didn't you go down there to Baltimore to have big fun, Vanessa? Tell me, didn't you go for big fun?
- Vanessa: Mom....
- Clair: Shut up! Don't you dare open your mouth when I'm asking you a question!
The Moves [6.24]Edit
Live and Learn [6.25]Edit
- Clair: [to herself about Denise] Maybe when we were making the decision to have that child, somebody should have poured some cold water on Cliff!
- Denise: Gosh, you know, all I want to do is help children and no one will let me!
- Rebecca: Denise, why are you so hardheaded? The man didn't say that; he said you have to get an education to be of help here.
- Denise: Well, I am ready now if Uncle Wilton would work with me!
- Rebecca: Uncle Wilton already has enough children to work with; he doesn't need one as old as you! Denise, why don't you want to go to college? Why are you so afraid to go to college?
- Denise: Because! I am ready now!
- Rebecca: You know, a lot of people think they can just walk in off the street and do something because it looks easy! But they don't realize you have to work hard to make something look easy.
The Story Teller [6.26]Edit
Same Time Next Year [7.01]Edit
- Rudy: This is woman stuff. I really need to talk to mom.
- Cliff: I'm a gynecologist and you want to talk to a lawyer.
Bird in the Hand [7.02]Edit
Last Barbecue [7.03]Edit
- Elvin: Why can't we just have simple bodies....like Dad.
- Cliff: This is your piece.
- Sondra: Elvin, I don't know what you see when you look in the mirror but your body is certainly not complicated.
- Elvin: Thank you Sondra, I'll be sure to keep my feelings about your body to myself.
- Sondra: What feelings?
- Elvin: It is not the time or place.
- Sondra: No, what feelings?
- Elvin: Your neck.
- Sondra: What's wrong with my neck?!
- Elvin: It's a shade thin, sometimes I wonder how you swallow.
- Theo: I know I've been there.
- Clair: Where? Where have you been? You have been nowhere. And that is where you're going to stay if you don't quit stirring up trouble.
Period of Adjustment [7.04]Edit
It's All in the Game [7.05]Edit
- Clair: How about getting in the car to got to work and discovering your daughters understanding of 'empty' is 'I'll just park the car over here and mom will fill it up'.
- Cliff: How about leaving the car radio on so that both of us have a heart attack. Last time you left the thing on so loud your mother's hair went straight up!
- Denise: How about when you have a date with a guy you really like?
- Vanessa: Go ahead, tell him Denise.
- Denise: And your father insists on meeting him. So what does he do? He takes the guy into the kitchen...
- Cliff: Have a little talk.
- Denise: Yeah, have a little talk with your four-foot buck-knife!
- Vanessa: You took Jeremy into that kitchen, took two apples put them on top of each other. Said that was us. Took one of the apples, skinned it, and said that was him. I haven't heard from the boy since.
Getting the Story [7.06]Edit
Just Thinking About It: Part 1 [7.07a]Edit
Just Thinking About It: Part 2 [7.07b]Edit
The Infantry Has Landed [7.08]Edit
- Rudy: There I was in class when the teacher was talking about punctuation and I start my period.
You Can Go Home Again [7.09]Edit
It's a Boy [7.10]Edit
Clair's Liberation [7.11]Edit
- Theo: Ah, your just in time, turkey burgers all around.
- Clair: Alright, put one on my plate please? It looks good, I don't know what to put on it.
- Cliff: How about some mustard.
- Clair: Don't patronize me! I know what I want. I want some of the red stuff.
- Theo: Mom, it's ketchup. [Clair gives him a look]
- Cliff: Theo...[shakes his head no]
- Theo: Right mom, red stuff.
- Clair: Go get me a glass of water Rudy!?
- Vanessa: Mom, I'm Vanessa.
- Clair: Whoever you are, go get me a glass of water! No forget the water just give me ice, lots of ice! Pam get me a warm towel!?
- Pam: Coming right up.
- Clair: Oh, never mind, get out of my way! Ah this is so much better! [puts her face in the freezer]
- Cliff: Would you get me some ice cream while you're in there?
- Clair: Have you lost your mind, an ice cream would melt in this room, a person could burn up in this room. Never mind lets just get through this dinner! [slams the freezer door] Now where is Rudy?
- Vanessa: Don't you remember, Denise took Rudy out tonight.
- Clair: And who is Denise! Oh, that's right, that's the child's sister.
- Theo: Mom would you like some peas?
- Clair: I was hoping we have carrots. [starts crying]
- Theo: We can make carrots mom.
- Clair: It's too late, it's too late, I wanted something orange.
- Cliff: Why didn't you fix some carrots boy? You kids are not worth a nickel around here.
- Vanessa: Mom, its ok, they have tear ducts specialists for this.
- Clair: My tear ducts are fine, it's my children who are so stupid!
- Clair and Cliff: Gotcha!
It's Your Move [7.12]Edit
Theo's Final Final [7.13]Edit
Attack of the Killer B's [7.14]Edit
Total Control [7.15]Edit
Adventures in Babysitting [7.16]Edit
27 and Still Cooking [7.17]Edit
Return of the Clairettes [7.18]Edit
No More Mr. Nice Guy [7.19]Edit
Home Remedies [7.20]Edit
Nightmare on Stigwood Avenue [7.21]Edit
There's Still No Joy in Mudville [7.22]Edit
Cliff and Jake [7.23]Edit
Theo and the Kids: Part 1 [7.24]Edit
- Boy: I don't care if he does leave the door open I'll do whatever I want.
- Raheem: So go close it.
- Boy: I'm doin' my homework u go close it!
With This Ring [8.01]Edit
- Clair: What is this? [taking a hand out of the fridge]
- Olivia: My hand, I made it myself.
- Cliff: Do you need an extra?
- Olivia: Yes
- Cliff: What for?
- Olivia: You never know.
- Nelson: Dad, the ice cream is dripping on me.
- Elvin: Why don't you put your napkin on you?
- Nelson: I don't have a napkin.
- Dabnis: Well, here take mine.
- Elvin: What do you say, Nelson?
- [Nelson stays quiet.]
- Elvin: What do you say?
- Nelson: May I eat my peas now?
- Elvin: Thank you.
- Nelson: You're welcome.
There's No Place Like Home [8.02]Edit
Particles in Motion [8.03]Edit
WARNING: A Double-Lit Candle Can Cause a Meltdown [8.04]Edit
Pam Applies to College [8.05]Edit
It's Apparent to Everyone [8.06]Edit
The Iceman Bricketh [8.07]Edit
Olivia's Field Trip [8.08]Edit
For Men Only [8.09]Edit
Olivia Comes Out of the Closet [8.10]Edit
Two Is a Crowd [8.11]Edit
Clair's Place [8.12]Edit
Theo's Future [8.13]Edit
The Price is Wrong [8.14]Edit
Bring Me the Lip Gloss of Dierdre Arpell [8.15]Edit
- Cliff: Mrs. Minifield! I told you to go to the hospital!
- Mrs. Minifield: But you were on the way!
Eat, Drink and Be Wary [8.16]Edit
The Getaway [8.17]Edit
Cliff Gets Jilted [8.18]Edit
Cliff and Theo Come Clean [8.19]Edit
Clair's Reunion [8.20]Edit
Rudy's Retreat [8.21]Edit
You Can't Stop the Music [8.22]Edit
Some Gifts Aren't Deductible [8.23]Edit
And So We Commence: Part 1 [8.24a]Edit
And So We Commence: Part 2 [8.24b]Edit
- Bill Cosby - Dr. Heathcliff "Cliff" Huxtable
- Phylicia Rasha-d - Clair Huxtable
- Sabrina Le Beauf - Sondra Tibideaux
- Lisa Bonet - Denise Huxtable Kendall
- Malcolm-Jamal Warner - Theodore "Theo" Huxtable
- Tempestt Bledsoe - Vanessa Huxtable
- Keshia Knight Pulliam - Rudy Huxtable
- Earle Hyman - Russell Huxtable
- Clarice Taylor - Anna Huxtable
- Deon Richmond - Kenny
- Geoffrey Owens - Elvin Tibideaux
- Joseph C. Phillips - Lt. Martin Kendall
- Raven-Symoné - Olivia Kendall
- Erika Alexander - Pam Tucker