Last modified on 26 November 2014, at 15:40

The Chaser's War On Everything

The Chaser's War on Everything (2006-2008) is a comedy TV show that is broadcast on the ABC in Australia.

Season 1 (2006)Edit

Episode 1Edit

Andrew Hansen: Well, I went to one of those two dollar shops the other day. Loved it. Everything's two dollars, how can you possibly resist? I immediately bought this road sign with a platypus on it.

Andrew Hansen: Hats that cost two dollars sell themselves, I think.

Andrew Hansen as the Surprise Spruiker: (In front of an Armani store) Boutique, boutique, boutique bargains! Here today at Giorgio Armani's. Men's suits, ties, leisurewear, from as little as $5000 a piece! Come on in and grab a bargain! That's right shoppers, it's thousand dollar madness!

Episode 7Edit

The Credits Song

Andrew Hansen:

I've been writing songs since God knows when,
And every gig I score, I give a promise to them,
I say I'll write catchy, not too long,
But they always run credits, over my songs,
They always run credits, over my songs.

All I want is my face on TV,
But they're always rolling text over me,
Now I'll be squished into a corner, no doubt,
So the bloody voice-over can drown me out,
Yeah, the bloody voice-over always drowns me out.

Nobody cares, no one... oh, this is just ridiculous. Hello? Hello? The song I'm playing is actually quite good I'll have you know.
[Smashes keyboard]
You bastards! Bastards!!

Episode 9Edit

The White Stripes - Now My Clothes Are Pink

Andrew Hansen:

I was washing,
I did the laundry by myself,
I had all these red and white clothes of mine,
And all Meg's gear as well,

I put a load on,
But not once did I pause to think,
I forgot to separate whites from red,
And now all my clothes are pink,

Well it's 1, 2, 3, 4,
Looking kinda nancy,
Now my clothes are pink,
I'm feelin' like a pansy,
All my rockstar cred is down the sink,
And it's 4, 5, 6, 7,
Who's a sissy fella?
I'll never score again with Renée Zellweger,
Oh, God, even my hat is coloured pink!

Episode 10Edit

Comedy Songs On TV

Andrew Hansen:

I don't think comedy songs work on TV.

TV's meant to be a visual medium,
Its not well suited to the terrible tedium,
Of looking at the same old shots of a comedian with a guitar.

And when they mix up the angles its not okay,
There's a 1980s feel about the way
The cameras make it look really gay,
I don't think comedy songs work on TV.

Something about them's kinda cheesy,
Don't you think it just seems too easy,
Singing jokes, which if they were spoken, wouldn't be good.

You can turn any old thing into a funny line,
Just by making sure that the fuckin thing rhymes,
Its even funnier if you swear sometimes!
I don't think comedy songs work on TV.

You can use a piano to add some class,
Or go the other way and show your arse,
All to distract from the very sad fact the material's shite.

You can do an amusing character creation,
Overacting in desperation,
With viewers cringing across the nation,
I think comedy songs work,
I don't think comedy songs work,
I don't think comedy songs work on TV!

Episode 13Edit

Hill$ong

Andrew Hansen:

Ladies and gentlemen in the name of the father the son and the Holy Spirit let me hear you say amen!

Crowd::

Amen!

Andrew:

Let me hear you say praise the lord!

Crowd:

Praise the lord!

Andrew:

Let me hear you say I will empty the contents of my wallet into that little collection plate when it comes around!

Crowd:

I will empty the contents of my wallet into that little collection plate when it comes around!

Andrew:

And it’s all tax free!
Hallelujah!

Crowd:

Hallelujah!

Andrew:

Praise the lord for all the cash I’ve got,
Praise him for my rolls-royce and my yacht.
Serving God ain't hard,
With a credit card,
Jesus died so I could make a lot!

Praise the lord he's made us millionaires,
Wave your donations in the air.
We’ve replaced our hymns,
With ATMs,
And soon we will charge a fee on every prayer!

Jesus Christ was a poor man don’t you know,
He should’ve used our accountants for his cash flow!
Stop the Sermon on the Mount,
He should’ve had a bank account!
2000 years with interest, he’d be rolling in the dough!

Praise the lord this song's out on CD,
Just 14.95 plus GST.
Hallelujah,
Plenty of moolah!
Solid gold baubles on my Christmas tree!

I’ve got all of heavens riches,
Thanks to all you stupid bitches!
Praise the lord for modern Christianity! Yeah!
Whoever said religion should be free!

Episode 15Edit

I'll be your new Tom Cruise

Andrew Hansen:

He was a wonderful man to lose
But I bet you I can fill his shoes
While you're on the rebound
I'll keep your feet on the ground
I'll be your new Tom Cruise

I'll read you books by L. Ron Hubbard,
I'll hide 'A Few Good Men' in the cupboard,
I'm going to go far,
Jumping up on the sofa,
I'll be your new Tom Cruise.

I'll do anything to keep us hitched,
I'll even try to overlook Bewitched,
I've got to hand it to you,
BMX Bandit to you,
I'll be your new Tom Cruise.

We'll star in disappointing movies together,
Eyes wide shut or whatever,
And at the very last stage,
I'll quit for someone half your age,
I'll be your new Tom Cruise.

Oh, it's a mission, impossible to lose,
Yeah and I'll be your new Tom Cruise!

Episode 18Edit

Rancid Amputation

Andrew Hansen:

Rippin' through flesh is what I do best
Tear off an arm, amputate a neck
Eyes removed, craniums smashed
Decomposing remains, severed in half

Torsos hang from their own intestines
Ripped of all bodily extensions
Stumps writhing with infection
Sufferin' a rancid amputation

My muscles tighten as I feel the rush
I look at your corpse starting gush
Internal rot beginning to clot
I'll swallow your pus...

Sufferin' a rancid, sufferin' a rancid, sufferin' through a rancid amputation

Hack, rip, slice, carve, chop, tear,
Carvin' out your eyeballs,watch them stare
Tear, rip, slice, carve, chop, hack,
Shove the entrails into a sack

Dying slowly never to rest
Nerves are quivering as I rip
Removal of life on the blade of my knife
(And now for my favourite Cannibal Corpse lyric of all)
Rape the limbless cadaver.

Episode 19Edit

Doctor Who

Andrew Hansen:

(Theme Music)
I can hardly step outside
It’s all that I can do to hide
The fact that I'm a fan of Doctor Who
I even earned a special mention
When I dressed up at the fan convention
As a Cyberman from season 22

(Theme music) I’m a fan of Doctor Who

My friends say that I'm retarded
Just cause I’ve built a model Tardis
And pretend I'm chasing Daleks through space and time
EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE
I don’t know why the people laugh
When I show them the autograph
I got from the actor who did the voice of K-9!
It’s hard to get a screw
When you’re a fan of Doctor Who

His female companions, I love them all
They’re stuck all over my bedroom wall
My favourite ones are Ace and Sarah Jane
And when I go to shop at the ABC
I don’t just stop at the DVDs
I also buy books from the Doctor Who novel range
All the girls say ‘ Ooo’
He’s a fan of Doctor Who

I’m always sure to ask the question
Out of all the doctors who’s the best one
When ever I meet up with a fellow fan
Was it William Hartnell, Peter Cushing, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy, Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, Richard E. Grant who only played the role in the 40th anniversary BBC interactive web cast adventure or Paul McGann,

(CUT OUT) Well I couldn’t fit it in the song but my favourite script editor is Robert Holmes (CUT IN)

You don’t score much ‘WOO’
When you’re a fan of Doctor Who

(Theme Music).

Episode 26Edit

The Surprise Spruiker at the Persian Rug Warehouse
Both roles played by Andrew Hansen:

Surprise Spruiker: That's right shoppers, come on into the Persian rug shop. It's a massive warehouse clearance and all our rugs have got to go.
Crazy Warehouse Guy: Excuse me! What are you doing out the front of my warehouse?
Surprise Spruiker: I'm the Surprise Spruiker.
Crazy Warehouse Guy: Well, I'm the Crazy Warehouse Guy and you ought to be walking out the door!
Surprise Spruiker: Well shoppers, it looks like the boss has gone crazy.
Crazy Warehouse Guy: Yes! I'm absolutely insane! Now go and do a giant clearance!
Surprise Spruiker: What about you sir? I find you huge, huge, hugely offensive!
Crazy Warehouse Guy: You've got to go before midnight tonight!
Surprise Spruiker: My patience has been massively reduced.
Crazy Warehouse Guy: Oh? Well, my patience has been massively reduced!
Surprise Spruiker: This is madness. Now get on your truck, get on your trailer, go and tell your boss-(Crazy Warehouse Guy smashes speaker on the Spruiker's head)
Crazy Warehouse Guy: Your surprise spruiking is never to be repeated!

Episode 27Edit

Prolix Songwriter

Andrew Hansen:

I really strongly and vehemently wish,
I could write songs that had less lyrics in them.
But every time I sit down and try to write a song my head starts to overflow, I've got so many things I want to say.
It becomes extremely difficult in terms of scansion and rhythm to form a musical framework around so very many words.
'N' every other songwriter I've ever met in this industry says that my over-wordy songs are utterly and totally absurd.

I'm a prolix songwriter, I have a very hard time,
Fitting such an extraordinarily and unnecessarily large number of syllables into the the highly limited confines of a line.

To be honest with you, I've been writing these overstuffed lyrics ever since I was 14 or 15 years old, its been really tough on me,
Means I have to work 7 or 8 or 9 times as hard as any other songwriter to earn exactly the same, Goddamn royalty fee,
And I know I'm being an idiot, its probably got something to do with my anxiety, and I'm totally confused and I really don't know,
And all I can do is sit here and wish to high heaven I could just go 'La la lala, la la lalala,' like Kylie Minogue.

But I'm a prolix songwriter, I have a very hard time,
Fitting such an extraordinarily and unnecessarily large number of syllables into the the highly limited confines of a line.

I'm a prolix songwriter, I have a very hard time,
Cause sometimes my verbosity's so over the top that I have to try my absolute utmost and squeeze me eyes shut and think way way way back into the past as far as I possibly can so I can even hope to remember the words with which I was...supposed...to...
Oh, fuck.
[Mutters]
Oh! RHYME!!!
Thanks.

Season 2 (2007)Edit

Episode 1Edit

Chris Taylor: And keep that applause going for people who think David Hicks had a fair trial! (shows 5 empty seats)
Craig Reucassel: Not even Downer turned up.

Julian Morrow: And the first problem we wanna fix is us. We’ve got a new timeslot no one knows about and we’re up against shows on commercial channels that have big ratings and, frankly, are much better.

Naomi Robson Tribute

Andrew Hansen:

Goodbye Plastic Face,
Although I never knew you at all,
You had a voice as cold as hell,
And it made my skin crawl,

Naomi Robson quote:

"And that's one way of putting it"

Andrew Hansen:

They thought this woman could work,
But they couldn't locate your brain,
They sat you on the newsdesk,
And made they made you be inane.

Naomi Robson quote:

"Day in, day out",

Andrew Hansen:

And it seems to me,
You lost your job,
And your talent's in the bin,
Making boyfriends who were drug dealers,
Never was your thing,
With a huge truck full of make-up,
To score a ratings hit,
Your ethics washed off long before your eyebrows ever did,

Naomi Robson quote:

"Coming up,Muslim youths hit-out at life in Australia. They say they're treated as outcasts and the rest of us are to blame."

Andrew Hansen:

Foreigners and kids,
The toughest foes, you ever framed,
Seven created some dodgy polls,
And great was the cash you made.
Lizards on your neck,
And now the peak of your career is Dancing with the Stars,
You've been thrown out on your plastic arse,
And it seems you tried to live your life making cannibals your friend,
But the auto-cue couldn't help you, fabricate your spin,
And you would of liked to rescue that little Wawa kid,
But the cannibals turned you out because, You tasted just like shit,

Naomi Robson quote:

Thank you for your company tonight,
And until tomorrow,
I hope you all have a great evening,
Please take care.

Episode 9Edit

Roget's Thesaurus

Andrew Hansen:

Synonyms and antonyms and matching terms and words that share a meaning,
All these alternate words to choose or substitute,
Why write crying?
When you could write weeping,
Or shedding a tear or two,
Blubbering,
Wailing,
Choking up and bawling,
Sobbing both your eyes out,
Turning on the waterworks,

I am the Roget,
I'm Dr. Roget,
I am thesaurus!

Syn-n-nyms,

Vocabulary,
Dictionary,
Wordy little Frenchman that I am,
See how many phrases The Beatles could've made if they'd asked me,
Why write Eggman?
They could've written person,
With an omelette for a head,
Sunny side up boy,
Separated yolk guy,
Scrambled on toast lad,
Poached homosapiens,

The free range earth's man,
The hard boiled shell man,
I am thesaurus!

This song's concluding,
Ending,
Ceasing,
Stopping,
Terminating,
Drawing to a close,
Finishing,
Arresting,
Wrapping up,
Retiring,
Halting and completing,
Shutting down and calling quits,

This song's expiring,
It is desisting,
It is ...
Oh Shit I can't think of anymore words.

Episode 12Edit

The Filler Song

Andrew Hansen:

Well I gotta fill in because this show's run short by a minute!
We couldn't stretch it it out no matter how many Hobbits we put in it!
I better play you some chords,
So you won't get bored,
Half an hour's work is past our limit.

This is the filler song,
The filler song,
It's not a Killer song,
It's just a filler song,
It goes:

Ya da da da da,
Ya da da da da da...
That's ya da da da da da.
Ya da da da da da da...

(How are we going?
Stretch it more)

This is the filler song,
The filler song,
This is the filler song,
It rhymes with thriller song,

It's the F-I-L-L-E-R song!
In French it's la chanson le filleures formidable!

I must know something else....
(clicks fingers) Peter Meakin what a piss head!
Peter Meakin what a booze head!
Oh my goodness what a piss head!
Oh my goodness what a booze head!
Thank you and goodnight!

Episode 15Edit

Chas Licciardello: (about APEC security) So here I am, Osama Bin Laden, standing 10 metres away from (George) Bush's hotel and what do they do? They arrest the other guy!

Stairway To Kevin

Andrew Hansen:

There's a country that knows,
That Howard's on the nose,
So they're climbing a stairway... to Kevin

We'll all back this new twerp,
With his smug nerdy smirk,
Who needs Facebook and Myspace,
To find friends.

He'll win your hearts with tacky t-shirts,
Join the team now,
It's ALP USA Style,
He'll distance himself from the unions,
He don't like boys clubs,
He only likes clubs with strippers.

When he gets drunk on rum and gin,
He can't recall a single thing,
And though he speaks good Mandarin,
He's much more fluent speaking spin.
He's got no economic plan,
But he can dance with Kerri-Anne,
And fake the dawn in Vietnam,
And be less violent than Latham,
And he's more vain than Gough Whitlam,

And we're climbing a stairway... to Kevin.

Episode 20Edit

The Eulogy Song

Andrew Hansen:

My great grand father died this week.
I couldn’t stand him actually, nobody could.
But as soon as he passed away everybody went around saying what a top bloke he was, so..
I’d like to dedicate this song to you, Gramps.

He was very hard of hearing,
He was dull and domineering,
Misogynist, cantankerous, and vain.
He hit the bottle every night,
He hit my grandma out of spite,
And those stories about his bunions were a pain!

But all that’s now forgotten,
Once he took his final breath.
Yes even pricks turn into top blokes after death.

You don’t believe me?
Allow me to furnish you with a few examples...

Steve Irwin lived in khaki,
A cartoon kamikaze,
Who taunted crocs and tots so frequently.
And Brocky was some revhead,
Who pumped the air with pure lead,
So anti-green he drove into a tree.

But all that was forgotten,
Once they took their final breath.
Yes even tools turn into top blokes after death.

John Lennon chose the hippy life,
He chose some nutbag for a wife,
His songs were never quite as good as Paul’s.
Jeff Buckley fooled all lovers,
Just one album, mostly covers,
More wailing than Japan does off our shores.

But all that was forgotten,
Once he took his final breath,
Yes even wankers turn into top blokes after death.

Princess Di was just a slut for sex,
When they looked in the car wreck,
Her dress was wet with Arab semen stains.
Stan Zemanek was a racist jock,
A fatso xenophobic cock,
Whose views were more malignant than his brain.

But all that was forgotten,
Once he took his final breath,
Yes even arseholes turn into top blokes after death.

It’s not how they lived that counts,
But how we rewrite the book.
When it comes to truth it’s best to use restraint.
It pays to throw away the facts,
And have a rose coloured look.
When he dies, Martin Bryant will look a saint.

Don Bradman was a total farce,
A grumpy, greedy tired arse,
Who couldn’t even score one run last time he played.
Kerry Packer was a brothel chief,
A tax cheat and a kidney thief.
And procreating Jamie was the worst mistake he made!

But all that was forgotten,
Once he took his final breath,
Yes even [bleeped out] turn into top blokes after death.

Belinda Emmett was a... [The other Chaser guys stop him]

Yes, remember all will be forgotten,
Once we take our final breath..

Yes even pervert motherfuckers,
Even rampant child-abusers,
Even local Baghdad looters,
Even baby bunny rooters,
Even reckless drunken drivers,
Even rodent sperm imbibers,
Even violent poofter bashers,
Even public penis flashers,
Even rotting corpse molesters,
Even human piss ingesters,
Even tiny kitten kickers,
Even anal finger lickers,
Even Anna ‘bloody’ Coren,
Yes even she will be a top bloke after death.


"Christmas Special/Clip Show"Edit

"Tommorrow Is A Howard Free Day"

Chris: Hello sir! Got you a nice fresh warm muffin just for you! Happy Christmas! Man in Sunglasses: What's goin' on? Chris: Happy Christmas! And always remember:

Singing (Andrew, Julian & Chris)

If you're sad and blue and down and the election made you frown because the wrong man got the crown and your vote went the other way,

You could never win the game no matter who got in they're lame because they're all the bloody same but there's still one good thing to say:

Tomorrow is a brand new day! Yes, tomorrow is a brand new day!

There's floods and droughts and slaughter and we're running out of water and Steve Irwin's horrid daughter's on the telly every day,

There's boneheads at the Logies and the Eagles are too cokey and Steve Price won't get your jokeys and you can't trust motorcades,

But tomorrow is a brand new day! Yes, tomorrow is a brand new day!

There's no more Howard crap the voters didn't want him back the workers showed him their ass crack He's got no race-card left to play.

Thank God he's finally gone away! And tomorrow is a Howard-free day!

Season 3 (2009)Edit

Episode 2Edit

Craig Reucassel: Hello and welcome to the War for another week, the only show on TV that has more boofheads and morons than the Rugby League State of Origin.

Chris Taylor: (Talking about going on a date while wearing a 'swine flu mask') And as for the goodnight kiss at the end of the night, well, (shows footage of Chris trying to kiss a girl while both are wearing health masks) very unsatisfactory.
Craig Reucassel: Like usual, then, yes.

Episode 3Edit

Voice-over: Chris tried to make the world a better place, by removing Kyle Sandilands, permanently, from the airwaves.

Craig Reucassel: And can I just say, only in Australia could we have a scandal called 'Utegate'! For God's sake, what's next, 'Uggbootgate'? 'Case-of-VB-gate'? It's very embarrassing, isn't it!?

Chris Taylor: Now, look, for those who came in late, the whole controversy began when Kevin Rudd was given a Mazda ute by his car dealer mates during the last election.
Craig Reucassel: I can't believe he drives a ute.
Chris: I can't believe he has a mate.

Andrew Hansen as a senior advisor of Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd: He chained me to a desk, forcing me to shred incriminating evidence. It's not easy feeding an entire Mazda ute through a shredder.

Andrew Hansen Voice-over: This week on Small Talk, Australia's most respected interviewer, Ray Martin, goes head-to-head with paleontologist and climate-change campaigner Tim Flannery.
Ray Martin: So you got here okay? Traffic was alright?
Tim Flannery: Yeah, wasn't too bad.
Ray Martin: You got a park?
Tim Flannery: Yeah, I got one just near here.

Ray Martin: Now, Bill Henson, I can't let you go without asking one final question... Are you right to get home, or...?

Unknown EpisodeEdit

Andrew Hansen:
  • It was supposed to be a sugar glass bottle that's supposed to break on your head, instead it nearly fractured my skull.
  • (Of Chris) Which fat, hairy animal was the camel?
  • Confused? I certainly elephant.
  • I used to work in a restaurant, (that's not actually true), and you wouldn't believe the amount of food people chuck out!
Chris Taylor:
  • (About the 2007 election) Let's have a look at the major players and how they've pitched themselves to voters. First up we had Kevin Rudd offering New Leadership, then on Sunday we had John Howard offering the Right Leadership, then we had Rudd coming back with Extreme Right Leadership, so it's a real battle for the conservative vote.
  • (on Andrew possibly "being" a member of Hillsong) They all have the same stupid hair cut too!
Craig Reucassel:
  • (About the Tasmanian effluent dumping and Rob Mills at Tasmanian Parlaiment House) That's typical. Dump effluent in the Bass Strait? Yep. Dump Millsy here? Yep.
  • Howard and Rudd don't go anywhere without a blue backdrop behind them.
  • He does claim it's not his penis, so it's just someone else's penis between his legs?
  • I love that guy! NOOOOOOO BINGO!
  • Dont be scared, we're just from Al Qaeda
Julian Morrow:
  • I don't know about you, Craig, but if there's ever been a problem in this world, it's Mime.
  • Attention patrons, would everybody using the poker machines please go home. Your families love you, and, I'll let you in on something, you're not going to win.
  • (About people walking on the right-hand side of the escalator) Well, the right side is the wrong side.
  • Attention shoppers, we have a very special offer today. For the next 5 seconds, everything in store is free. That's right, absolutely no charge at all, everything is free for the next... Actually, sorry, that offer has concluded. Thank you very much for your attention.
  • Could all security staff please make their way to ladies wear as I'm about to shop lift in mens and its really hard to do with all of you hanging around.

In Other MediaEdit