Here's the story of a lovely lady Who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother, The youngest one in curls.
Here's the story, of a man named Brady, Who was busy with three boys of his own, They were four men, living all together, Yet they were all alone.
Till the one day when the lady met this fellow And they knew it was much more than a hunch, That this group would somehow form a family. That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch.
The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch That's the way we became the Brady Bunch.
The Honeymoon [1.1]Edit
- Alice: I don’t blame you for being nervous, Mr. Brady. This is a very important Saturday.
- Mike: [puts sugar into his coffee] Why should I be nervous? What makes you think I’m nervous?
- Alice: It’s the first time I ever saw you take twenty-one spoons of sugar.
- Mike: [pauses] I like it sweet.
- Carol: [on the phone] Im sorry Mike. Cindy thought there are real butterflies in my stomach.
- Mike: You’re lucky if you only get butterflies. I’ve got six flying saucers in mine. And you're right.
- Carol: [stressed, hair undone, in the middle of using make up] How could you girls sit there and say I look beautiful?
- Cindy: Because we love you.
- Peter: [to Mike] I once saw a movie where a man was getting married. He was so nervous he forgot to put his pants on.
- Bobby: [looks under the table] You’re OK, dad.
- Peter: [to Carol, about Mike] This morning he put 21 spoons sugar into the coffee
- Mike: You’re exaggerating.
- Bobby: But he didn’t forget his pants.
- Desk clerk: Oh, Mr. Brady, you have signed this Mr. Brady, Mrs. Brady and family.
- Mike: Hmm, I forgot. It’s force of habit. Kids aren’t with us.
- Desk clerk: But you did ask for the honeymoon suite.
- Carol: Oh, it’s quite alright Mr. Pringle. You see …
- Mike: [interrupts her] It’s quite alright darling. No need to explain. It’s obvious that this gentleman doesn’t dig the modern generation.
- Mike: How would you girls like to come along with us?
- Jan: On your honeymoon?
- Carol: That’s right.
- Cindy: Alright. I’ve never been on a honeymoon.
- Jan: Neither have I, and I am older than you are.
- Bobby: Wow, I'd love to go on a honeymoon. What should I take?
- Greg: A girl, dummy!
Dear Libby [1.2]Edit
- Carol: I don’t hear anything
- Mike: What’s the matter with that?
- Carol: Six kids and no noise. That’s what’s the matter with that… I’ve never heard such a loud silence.
- Alice: If there's anything I can't stand, it's a perfect kid. And six of them...YEECH!
- Cindy: [upon finding out it's another family] I sure am glad we're not Harry Hopeless!
Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy [1.3]Edit
- Alice: Anyone offering a trip to Europe for the right answer?
- Alice: Look who gets to go.
- Cindy: [takes off blindfold] Brazil!
- Cindy: [as she picks off flower petals] Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy.
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore [1.4]Edit
- Carol: I'm afraid we were going to get rid of daddy!
A Clubhouse Is Not a Home [1.6]Edit
- Mike: Well then?
- Greg: We're sick of doing all these things.
- Peter: Do this, do that, they're a real pain.
- Bobby: Yeah, they're too bossy.
Kitty Karry-All Is Missing [1.7]Edit
- [Mike is explaining circumstantial evidence]
- Bobby: Circum-special?
- Mike: No, circumstantial. It means things look different than they really are.
- Cindy: You mean like when a lady puts on false eyelashes?
A-Camping We Will Go [1.8]Edit
- Bobby: Well I guess women are okay for somethings.
Sorry, Right Number [1.9]Edit
Every Boy Does It Once [1.10]Edit
- Marcia: Hi and bye, small fry.
- Peter: I'm sorry, I won't tell anybody!
- Greg: Won't tell what?
- Peter: I told you, I can't tell you! I promised Bobby, the only reason he told me is, cause I'm his brother.
- Greg: Well, so am I, dummy!
- Bobby: Nobody said goodbye to me or anything, and I didn't think they cared.
- Carol: Oh sweetheart, everybody cares. And I bet you your baseball cards you can't guess who cares the most.
- Bobby: You? (Carol nods) Even though I'm only a step?
- Carol: Listen, the only steps in this house are those (shows Bobby the stairs), the ones that lead up to your bedroom. So how about marching right back up there?
- Bobby: Hey Dad, Mom and me are back home again!
- Mike: Good, cause that's where you both belong!
Vote for Brady [1.11]Edit
The Voice of Christmas [1.12]Edit
- Alice: You're guaranteed to be cured in 24 hours.
- Carol: 24 hours!!?
- Alice: Unless you break out in a rash. Then you take it off.
- Peter: [to Alice] You can't throw the turkey away, it's got my favorite dressing.
- Cindy: He's better than a doctor, he's Santa Claus!
- Greg: Now, don't let the girls catch you hiding these.
- Bobby: If they catch me, should I eat the present?
- Peter: Eat it! [to Greg] He's been watching too many of those spy programs.
Is There a Doctor in the House? [1.13]Edit
- Carol: Oh Alice, have you seen the thermometer?
- Alice:Well lets see, the last time used was with the roast beef.
- Greg: It's sure great how some people can sing while other people are dying!
- Alice: You got everything here?
- Carol: Well, I think so. 6 luncheon trays, 5 comic books, 4 jigsaw puzzles,...
- [to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas] 3 magic tricks,
- 2 ice cream bars,...
- Carol and Mike: And one cow bell!
- Peter: What's a 5-letter word for exhaustion?
- Alice: Alice!
- [Greg complains about his lunch]
- Mike: That's a feast fit for a king!
- Greg: Well then give it to the king and give me some baloney!
- Marica: Gentlemen...if you don't like the conversation in this room....
- Jan: Which by-the-way happens to be a WOMAN'S room....
- Marcia: True! Then you can simply VAMOOSE!
- Jan: Scram!
- Carol: Oh, Mike! Why don't we just put it off until you decide which doctor?
- Mike: At this point I'd SETTLE for a witch doctor.
- [Someone makes a comment about taking Jan's boat]
- Jan: Who cares? I get seasick, anyway.
Father of the Year [1.14]Edit
- Jan: you know who has the biggest mouth in the whole wide world next to you?
- Cindy: who?
- Jan: NOBODY!
54-40 and Fight [1.15]Edit
- Cindy: Me first!
- Bobby: Why you?
- Cindy: 'Cause I'm a lady!
- Bobby: Aaaawwhhhh.
- Cindy: I am a lady, if you say I'm not, I'll bop you!
Mike's Horror-Scope [1.16]Edit
- Carol: [to Beebe after Bobby and Cindy's fight ends up in her being squirted in the face with a squirt gun] ...they didn't mean any harm...!
- Beebe: Neither did Frankenstein!
The Undergraduate [1.17]Edit
Tiger, Tiger! [1.18]Edit
The Big Sprain [1.19]Edit
- Alice: [who has just tripped] My foot played a game of Chinese checkers...and lost.
- Greg (to Mike): Dad, I hate to interrupt you while you're on the phone, but...
- Mike (while on the phone with Carol): No, no, honey. Listen, I mean it. I really mean it.
- Greg: Peter's t-shirt got stuck in the vacuum.
- Mike (makes a confused look over Greg's shoulder.
- Carol (through the phone): What's all the commotion about?
- Mike: Um, nothing. Me and the kids are just playing, that's all.
- Greg: Peter's in the t-shirt!
- Mike: What?
Brace Yourself [1.20]Edit
- Marcia: [about her braces] Tell me the honest truth. Do I look funny?
- Cindy: Of course not, Marcia. You look beautiful.
- Jan: Thanks, Cindy!
- Cindy: But how do you get the toothpaste through all that barbed wire?
- Jan: [when Cindy is about to go into the bathroom] Marcia's in there.
- Cindy: Daddy said to act natural--and I always barge in on Marcia when she's in the bathroom!
- Alan: I can't take you to the dance.
- Marcia: Why not?
- Alan: Well, my parents are going out of town.
- Marcia: So what?
- Alan: I have to go with them.
- Marcia: I don't believe you. You just don't want to be seen with a girl who has braces, like I do now. I hate you, Alan Anthony. I hate EVERYBODY!
The Hero [1.21]Edit
- Alice: [to the deliveryman] You keep calling me sweetie, gorgeous & beautiful, and I'll follow you anywhere!
- Jason: Sorry, I can't make it. I have my piano lessons.
- Peter: I didn't know you knew how to play the piano.
- Jason: I don't. That's why I gotta take lessons.
The Possible Dream [1.22]Edit
- Marcia: [Marcia lost her Diary and is accusing one of the boys of taking it] Okay, if you hand it right over, I won't press charges
- Greg: What are you talking about?
- Marcia: As if you didn't know.
- Peter: Bobby, do you know what she's talking about?
- Bobby: No. Greg, do you know what she's talking about?
- Greg: No. Marcia, do you know what you're talking about?
- Marcia: I certainly do! Someone in this room took my diary.
- Greg: Your diary, you mean you actually keep one of those stupid things?
- Bobby: What's a diary?
- Peter: It's a book, that you write things in, that you don't want anyone else to read.
- Bobby: Why?
- Greg: So, you could write stuff like...
- Greg: [Greg then sits at his desk imitating Marcia writing in her diary] "Dear diary, at last I met him, my dream man. It was at the delicatessen and our fingers tingled as we reached for the same potato salad."
To Move or Not to Move [1.23]Edit
- Carol: [about the first strange noise] WHAT was that?
- Alice: It sounded like a cow died in the driveway.
- Carol: [about the strange noises] It's probably just the wind against the shutters.
- Alice: That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady... if there was a wind... or we had shutters.
- Mrs. Hunsacker: You folks sure pick a strange time of the year to celebrate Halloween.
- Bert Grossman: [trying to explain the strange noises] It was probably just the wind through the willow grove.
- [the noises start again]
- Mrs. Hunsacker: That was no wind through a willow grove.
- Bert Grossman: Would you believe steeple chimes?
The Grass is Always Greener [1.24]Edit
Lost Locket, Found Locket [1.25]Edit
- [During the re-enactment of the locket's disappearance; Bobby got back in bed]
- Bobby: Can I spit out my toothpaste?
- Greg: Why didn't you spit it out in the bathroom?
- Bobby: You said we had to just what we did before. I didn't spit then now cause I didn't spit then. And you know somethin'?
- Greg: What?
- Bobby: It's hard to talk with your mouth full of toothpaste.
- Peter: The suspense is killing me!
- Bobby: So is the toothpaste!
The Dropout [2.1]Edit
The Babysitters [2.2]Edit
- Mike: Gas. Did we turn the gas off?
- Marcia: Dad, our stove is electric!
The Slumber Caper [2.3]Edit
- Marcia: Hello Jenny, this is Marcia. I called about the slumber party I'm having tomorrow night.
- Jenny: I can hardly wait.
- Marcia: Well, it's only for my friends.
- Jenny: Sure, I'm your friend Marcia.
- Marcia: Not anymore. So considered yourself uninvited! [Marcia hangs up the phone]
The Un-Underground Movie [2.4]Edit
- Greg: Peter, snow!
Going, Going... Steady [2.5]Edit
Call Me Irresponsible [2.6]Edit
The Treasure of Sierra Avenue [2.7]Edit
A Fistful of Reasons [2.8]Edit
- Buddy Hinton: Baby talk, baby talk, it's the wonder you can walk.
- Cindy: You stop that Buddy Hinton!
- Buddy Hinton: Stop that! Oh witty bitty baby talk. There is no witty bitty baby talk say something. Come on, say something.
- Mike's voice [inside his head while standing toe-to-toe with Mr. Hinton]: I'm just going to reason with him. Reasoning; calm, cool reasoning.
- Mike: Oh, shut up!
The Not So Ugly-Duckling [2.9]Edit
The Tattletale [2.10]Edit
- Carol: Strain a guppy out of his fish tank?
- Greg: Tattletale!
- Mike: All right, that's enough.
- Cindy: But I didn't do anything wrong. Peter stained the guppy.
- Mike: All right what Peter did was wrong and what you did was wrong, too. You know that's none of your business. Your tattling is not right and could get other people into trouble.
- Bobby: I'm not lending everything to a snitcher!
- Cindy: I'm not a snitcher. I just tell it like it is.
- Bobby: Well I'm not lending you my skate key after the way you squealed on Greg and Peter!
- Cindy: Okay, I'll tell what you did yesterday.
- Bobby: You little fink!
What Goes Up... [2.11]Edit
- Tiger: [barking and running down the stairs]
- Bobby: Mom, Dad, my parakeet's loose! Tiger, stop scaring my parakeet!
Confessions, Confessions [2.12]Edit
- Peter: Does anybody know why Dad called this meeting?
- Marcia: I do. He's gonna tell everybody I broke the vase. I confessed.
- Greg: Oh, no.
- Marcia: Well, somebody had to take the blame.
- Greg: I told Mom I did it.
- Bobby: Me too.
- Jan: Thud. (collapses on the chair)
- Bobby: You too? (Jan nods)
- Cindy: I guess we all confessed.
The Impractical Joker [2.13]Edit
Where There's Smoke [2.14]Edit
- Tommy Johnson: Hey man, they're just plain cigarettes.
- Cindy: Greg's smoking.
Will the Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up? [2.15]Edit
- Wig seller (Guest star Marcia Wallace): Ah, that’s our ‘Midnight Temptress’ wig.
- Jan: ‘Midnight Temptress’, huh? Well, I don’t think I’ll be out that late.
The Drummer Boy [2.16]Edit
Coming Out Party [2.17]Edit
Our Son, The Man [2.18]Edit
- Greg: Remember Dad, we're talking man-to-man, not kid-to-man man-to-man, but man-to-man, man-to-man.
The Liberation of Marcia Brady [2.19]Edit
- Peter: I am a little Sunflower; sunny, brave and true. From tiny bud to blosssom, I do good deeds for you.
Lights Out [2.20]Edit
The Winner [2.21]Edit
Doubled Parked [2.22]Edit
Alice's September Song [2.23]Edit
Tell It Like It Is [2.24]Edit
- Peter: A neck tie!?
- Greg: Sure Pete. When your famous you cant look like a slob.
- Bobby: Does that mean you have to wear clean socks too?
- Greg: (ignoring Bobby) There, now how I look?
- Peter: Like a slob with a tie!
Ghost Town U.S.A [3.1]Edit
Grand Canyon or Bust [3.2]Edit
The Brady Braves [3.3]Edit
The Wheeler Dealer [3.4]Edit
- Mike: A gentle reminder, my boy: your name is Brady, not Onassis.
My Sister, Benedict Arnold [3.5]Edit
- Greg [Describing Warren Mulaney to Marcia]: He's at the top of my crumb list! In fact, he's at the bottom of my crumb list, too. And he's every crumb in-between.
The Personality Kid [3.6]Edit
- Peter [Impersonating Humphrey Bogart]: Porkchops and applesauce, that's swell!
Juliet Is The Sun [3.7]Edit
- Marcia: One line. It's different with me. I'm a star.
- Jan: [to Marcia] Well lah-de-dah!
- Cindy: What does that mean?
- Jan: It means that Marcia's being a pain in the neck.
- Cindy: Oh, [to Marcia] well lah-de-dah!
And Now a Word From Our Sponsor [3.8]Edit
The Private Ear [3.9]Edit
- Bobby: You did!
- Cindy: I didn't!
- Bobby: You did too!
- Cindy: I did not!
- Greg: Hey, what are you two arguing about?
- Bobby: Well, you might wanna know, she told everyone else. I got called into the principal's office for chewing gum in class!
Her Sister's Shadow [3.10]Edit
- Jan: Well, all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this how wonderful Marcia did that. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
Getting Davy Jones [3.12]Edit
- Peter (to Marcia): I got it! Take this down. 'To Davy Jones. Dear Sir, you have just won a 10 million dollar sweepstakes. For information, contact Marcia Brady at...'
- Greg: What's that got to do with singing at the prom?
- Peter: Nothing, but it would sure get his attention.
The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses [3.13]Edit
- Jan: Glasses? Oh no, Mom, not glasses. I'll look positively goofy.
The Teeter Totter Caper [3.14]Edit
Big Little Man [3.15]Edit
- Bobby: She's right. I'm a pee-wee, I'll always be a pee-wee.
- Bobby: Mom, dad, it works! Stretching myself really works! I grew an inch and a half!
- Mike: How much?
- Bobby: A whole inch and a half!
- Carol: Oh, honey, maybe you grew, but I don't think an inch and a half.
- Mike: Not since yesterday.
- Bobby: But I measured myself three times! A half inch, plus one whole inch!
- Cindy: No, it's only a half an inch!
- Bobby: How do you know it's only half an inch?
- Cindy: Well...
- Mike: Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?
- Cindy: I made the mark a half inch lower, so that Bobby would think he grew!
- Mike: Cindy!
- Cindy: I'm sorry!
- Bobby: Well, that's okay, I still grew an inch!
- Jan: No, only half an inch.
- Carol: You did the same thing too? (Jan nods)
- Bobby: Well, a half inch isn't bad.
- Marcia: Bobby.
- Carol: Oh, no.
- Marcia: I guess we should have checked with each other.
- Bobby: That's the dirtiest trick I've ever heard of! (runs off)
- Mike: Bobby. They weren't trying to trick you. I don't think that what they did was right--
- Carol: They were only trying to help.
- Bobby: They did it because they know it's true!
- Carol: Now what's true?
- Bobby: I'm a shrimpo, a peewee, I'll never grow another inch as long as I live! (runs up the stairs)
- (Bobby walks in)
- Carol: Hi, Bobby! Hey, wait a minute, your clothes! (Bobby turns around with a black eye)
- Carol: Bobby, your eye! What in the world happened?
- Bobby: I got in a fight with Tommy Huxley.
- Carol: Tommy Huxley? He's twice as big as you are! Why doesn't he pick on somebody his own size?
- Bobby: Well, I picked on him.
- Carol: You started a fight? Why?
- Bobby: Well, he was acting like a big shot.
- Carol: Oh. Well, you weren't by any chance feeling like a little shot, were you?
- Bobby: Well, I am a little shot, that all I'll ever be!
- Carol: Oh, Bobby. Listen, you've heard about Napoleon Bonaparte, haven't you?
- Bobby: Yeah, he's that funny guy that always walked around with his hand on his stomach.
- Carol: Well, he was also a little guy. And he went around trying to prove how big he was by fighting everybody.
- Bobby: Did he win?
- Carol: Nope, just like you he got clobbered. So I really don't think that fighting is the answer. Do you, Bob?
- Bobby: Not if you lose.
- Peter: Cindy stuck her tongue out of me.
- Carol: She's just a little girl.
- Peter: She has an awfully big tongue.
Jan's Aunt Jenny [3.17]Edit
The Big Bet [3.18]Edit
- Bobby: You welcher, I'm gonna go tell Mom and Dad!
The Power of the Press [3.19]Edit
Sergeant Emma [3.20]Edit
Cindy Brady, Lady [3.21]Edit
My Fair Opponent [3.22]Edit
The Fender Benders [3.23]Edit
- Mike: ...Smashed rear taillight, crushed fender, replace muffler, repaint left side...REALIGN THE FRAMES! HOW MUCH!
- Mr. Dougan: $295.11. Of course, there are some other minor things that I don't mind taking care of myself.
- Carol: What? Refurnishing your house?!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mike this just isn't true.
- Mr. Dougan: Mrs. Brady, are you suggesting that I am lying?
- Carol: And very badly too.
- Mr. Dougan: I'll see you in court!
- Carol: My pleasure!
Hawaii Bound [4.1]Edit
- Peter: That's Diamond Head, dumb head.
Pass the Tabu [4.2]Edit
- Peter: Bad luck, come and get me.
The Tiki Caves [4.3]Edit
Today, I Am A Freshman [4.4]Edit
Cyrano de Brady [4.5]Edit
- [Jan introduces her new friend Kerry Hathaway to Peter, who is instantly lovestruck]
- Peter: Pleased to meet me.
- Greg: How would you like to get Kerry back? Now listen, I-
- Peter: I don't trust you, you stole my girl!
- Greg: I did not steal your girl.
- Peter: You did.
- Bobby: If you guys are starting that again, I'm getting out of here.
Fright Night [4.6]Edit
The Show Must Go On?? [4.7]Edit
Jan, The Only Child [4.8]Edit
Career Fever [4.9]Edit
Goodbye, Alice, Hello [4.10]Edit
Greg's Triangle [4.11]Edit
Everyone Can't Be George Washington [4.12]Edit
Love and the Older Man [4.13]Edit
Law and Disorder [4.14]Edit
- Bobby: Name, please. Last name first.
- [Carol and Alice find Bobby in a sea of foam from the overflowing washing machine]
- Carol: What were you doing?
- Bobby: Washing my clothes.
- Alice: You're supposed to take your clothes off before you washed them!
Greg Gets Grounded [4.15]Edit
Amateur Nite [4.16]Edit
Bobby's Hero [4.17]Edit
The Subject was Noses [4.18]Edit
- Marcia: Something suddenly came up.
- Marcia: [to Bobby and Peter] Hey, you guys... [her nose gets hit by the football] OH! My nose!
How To Succeed in Business [4.19]Edit
The Great Earring Caper [4.20]Edit
You're Never Too Old [4.21]Edit
You Can't Win 'Em All [4.22]Edit
- Carol: [to Cindy] You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy, because you might be one yourself someday. Just remember that.
Room At The Top [4.23]Edit
Adios, Johnny Bravo [5.1]Edit
Mail Order Hero [5.2]Edit
- Greg: Its a good composition Pete. How come you got a C-?
- Peter: Read the last line.
- Greg:(Reading Aloud) If George Washington never told a lie how come he got so far in politics.
Snow White and the Seven Bradys [5.3]Edit
Never Too Young [5.4]Edit
Peter and the Wolf [5.5]Edit
Getting Greg's Goat [5.6]Edit
Marcia Gets Creamed [5.7]Edit
My Brother's Keeper [5.8]Edit
Quarterback Sneak [5.9]Edit
Try, Try Again [5.10]Edit
The Cincinnati Kids [5.11]Edit
The Elopement [5.12]Edit
Miss Popularity [5.13]Edit
Kelly's Kids [5.14]Edit
- Mrs. Payne: My husband and I have even managed to be cordial to the Shapiros down the street.
- Ken: Well, congratulations, you've just received the "Neighbor of the Year" award.
- Mrs. Payne: I consider that remark uncalled for!
- Ken: If nobody calls for it in 30 days, it's all yours, baby!