Sir Alan Sugar: [to the candidates, in the first-ever boardroom meeting] As far as I'm concerned, what I have in front of me here is fourteen of Britain's best prospects. Quite a few thousand applied for this job: a job with me, a job that's gonna bring you a six-figure salary. But to get that job, you're gonna have to demonstrate to me your skills and leadership, business acumen, shrewdness, the lot.
Adele Lock: I'm not in the right place here. And it will come as no surprise to you, Sir Alan, that I don't like what I'm doing. I've never been so undermined and demeaned in my life, to do some of these things. Margaret Mountford: What's demeaning about stocking an area of a shop and selling? Adele Lock: I haven't got a problem with that, I do that all the time, I'm a retailer. I have got personal emotional problems that's happening in my life, I'm sorry, this isn't for me. I'm going to leave today, so Sir Alan I'd like to make your job a lot easier, and Tim I'd like to make your job a lot easier. I'm going to leave it at that. Sir Alan Sugar: You know, it's an easy way out, Adele... Adele Lock: No, it's not an easy way out, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: It is. Look, Adele, I've been around a long time. You're a shrewd lady. Thank you for your little speech just now, but I wanna tell you this. Despite what Tim might have come up with today, you was going to go. You read it right, and the reason you was gonna go was because you took no notice of what I said outside the shop. I told you to be respectful to people, you have a problem being respectful to people, and I hope that you can contain that problem in the rest of your business life. I wish you well, I'm sorry about the problems you may have with your family and your emotions and all that stuff. It's a shame that it's gone this way. [to the rest of the team] You lot are dead lucky, that's all I can say to you. Adele Lock: *Outside the boardroom* Cheeky bastard.
Paul Torrisi: First time we have a girl as a project leader and it's the first time we lose. Matthew Palmer: (laughs) That's irrelevant. We couldn't have kept on that streak while some of our team were being- Paul Torrisi: Give a woman a position of power and they go fucking doolally. All of a sudden they think they're Adolf flamin' Hitler.
Paul Torrisi: There's a slight pause, and then it's a giggle. [Actor laughs half-heartedly] Not funny enough! Raj Dhonota: Tell him a friggin' joke man! What's the matter with you? Paul Torrisi: Okay. An aardvark walked into a pub, and the barman said, "Why the long face?" Raj Dhonota: I dunno. Paul Torrisi: Well... that's the joke. An aardvark has a long face. Raj Dhonota: Oh.
Sir Alan Sugar: You should have stuck to Mac Man like shit to a blanket.
Paul Torrisi: I am a Roman Catholic and God is my witness: I shook her hand outside. Sir Alan Sugar: Yeah? Well, I'm Jewish and I couldn't care less.
Sir Alan Sugar: What a load of bollocks. Hundred and fifty-four quid for a bloody piece of foam. I tell you, if he can sell that then he's a bloody good salesman, that's all I can say. (about James and Saira's airbed choice)
Syed Ahmed: We need 100 chickens, we need 30 kilos of minced beef, and we need 45 kilos of gammon. So I'll repeat that again, 45 kilos of gammon, minced beef 30 kilos, chicken: 100 chickens. (on the phone to the wholesaler)
Nick Hewer: So that's 100 chickens and 100 chicken tikka pizzas, one chicken per pizza? Alexa Tilley:That... that sounds like a lot of chickens.
Margaret Mountford: Velocity had a float of £2,000. They spent £1,097, and they took £1,423, so they made a profit of £326. Sir Alan Sugar: Right, okay. Nick? Nick Hewer: Well, Invicta were also given a budget of £2,000... they spent it. Sir Alan Sugar: They spent all of it? Nick Hewer: Yep, bar £6. Took only £1,186, which resulted I'm afraid in a thumping loss of £807. Sir Alan Sugar: LOSS! That's a first, chaps! That's a first!
Sir Alan Sugar: What a shower. What a bloody shower! (about the losing team)
Sir Alan Sugar: I've set you lot a task and now have got to fire someone; quite frankly I'd like to get rid of the bleeding three of you. Tell me why I shouldn't get rid of you, now! Syed Ahmed: Because I'm a winner, Sir Alan, that's why. Sir Alan Sugar: You're not a bloody winner! You lost! Syed Ahmed: I've learnt from my mistakes, and I've learnt from this, definitely, and this well never happen again. Sir Alan Sugar: Business is not about come in, piss my money up the wall, "oh, never mind, sorry you lost it, now you've learnt your lesson, you won't do it again." Syed Ahmed: I've learnt life the hard way, from a young age. Sir Alan Sugar: I hold you 100% responsible. Syed Ahmed: And I put in 150%. Sir Alan Sugar: I hold you 100% responsible! Syed Ahmed: I stepped up to the mark, and I... Sir Alan Sugar: I'm sorry, Syed, I hold you 100% responsible. But... (to Alexa) I warned you, I warned you severely about this. You have not come to the table today, I still don't understand what you did. He [Syed] should be going with you also... You're a very, very bad manager. You didn't manage this thing properly. You're a lightweight. You're fired! (brief pause) I'm really angry with this situation. Clear off! (Alexa, Syed and Tuan get up and start to leave. Before walking out the door, Syed turns to Sir Alan) Syed Ahmed: Thank you, Sir Alan, thank you for the opportunity. (leaves) Sir Alan Sugar: Cheeky bastard.
Sir Alan Sugar: I did have a preview of that tape before. Nick actually gave it to me and when he gave it to me, I thought he had mixed it up with one of his other videos, because to me it looks like a 1970s porno movie Debbie Does Dallas. (Nick and Ruth exchange amused looks)
Ruth Badger: Tell me what you mean by autocratic? Mani Sandher: I haven't got time for this - look it up in the dictionary.
Sir Alan Sugar: You seem to have gone from anchor to wanker! (to Mani Sandher)
Sir Alan Sugar:(on reading Jo Cameron's CV) Says here she used to train Financial Directors for MG Rover. No wonder they went bloody skint.
Sir Alan Sugar: Jo, you've been here too many times. It's a shame, but I thought you had more potential. But Jo, I'm sorry to say, this time, you're fired. Jo Cameron: I thought I expected this, because I accept the fact I've been here four times, but I think that what that demonstrates is that I've got resilience of a survivor. I'm happy to go out here on the basis of like, being crap, but I don't believe that I am... Sir Alan Sugar: Jo, Jo. There comes a time when everybody - everybody - is saying the same thing, and even me, I will say 'You know what? Give it up Alan, enough's enough.' Jo, you're fired. Jo Cameron: Can I just ask one more time just to give you one last chance? Sir Alan Sugar: I'm afraid not. No I'm afraid not. That's it.
Sir Alan Sugar: I'll promise you this. As sure as I've got a hole in my bloody arse, when it gets down to the Final Two, all these people who are saying nice things will not. (On Michelle and Ruth's friendship)
Syed Ahmed: Shall we all go in there? Paul Tulip: We might as well wait for Margaret to come out and that's not long anyway. Syed Ahmed: Ah right, I'll be in there anyway. (walks off into a building) Paul Tulip: Cock.
Ruth Badger: You wouldn't believe that! So I've been into the second-most place in Britain when it comes to insurance and I've just been removed by security.
Sir Alan Sugar: Never underestimate me because you will be making a fatal error. I don't like liars. I don't like cheats. I don't like bullshitters. I don't like schmoozers and I don't like arse-lickers.
Sir Alan Sugar: Don't start telling me that you're just like me, because no one's like me, I'm unique.
Andy Jackson: At eleven o'clock it wasn't busy, and at that point I pulled [the van back]. Perhaps I should have pulled it earlier... Nick Hewer: Even if it was busy, they wouldn't have bought your coffee at that price. Nobody seems to grasp this point! Gerri Blackwood: But I did manage to sell eleven cups. Nick Hewer [sarcastically] Oh, well done. Sir Alan Sugar: Eleven?! What do you want, a medal? You should have sold a hundred and eleven! You sold eleven. It's a disgrace!
Tre Azam: Don't talk to me like I'm a child, don't talk to me like you're my boss, we're all in this together. Rory Laing: I am your boss. Tre Azam: You're not my boss, you're my project manager... Rory Laing: I am your boss! Tre Azam: You're nothing to me.
Rory Laing: It does fulfil the task of being innovative. A blanket- Sir Alan Sugar: Well it's got some originality. Rory Laing: Yeah Sir Alan Sugar: You've gotta find an original nutter to wear it, first of all.
Sir Alan Sugar: Ifti, I don't know if you've got a problem or something, but you are not transmitting confidence to me. Ifti Chaudri: Ah, Sir Alan, I do apologise for that. I know it's no excuse, but I was missing my son very badly... [Tre laughs] Sir Alan Sugar: What, you think that's funny, do you? Tre Azam: Not at all, I have a son too. But when you have to get down to work, you have to get down to work, don't you? Ifti Chaudri: I've never been away from my son, and I found it crippling, to be honest with you. Absolutely crippling. Sir Alan Sugar: You can't concentrate on this, is really what you're saying? Ifti Chaudri: It doesn't look like I can. But I'm just being honest with you, Sir Alan, because I'm not going to be going into tasks and not giving 100%. You saw me on the first task, you saw what I'm capable of, but I just found myself in a mental block, and if I can't tell you the truth, what can I do? Sir Alan Sugar: I appreciate it, you're a very good family man. But business is business, as I'm sure you'll agree. And so it's with regret, Ifti, that I'm going to have to say to you, you're fired. [Ifti sighs, gets up and leaves. Sir Alan turns to face Rory and Tre] Sir Alan Sugar: I suppose you think you've got off lightly there? That because Ifti's gone, that's it, you can get back to the house? Well, as I've said once before, never underestimate me, and don't try and second guess what's going on. Because, I'm telling you, as unusual as it is, one of you is still going to get fired.
Sir Alan Sugar: Rory, you're a disaster. I'm sorry, an absolute, total disaster. I've given you the chance to explain yourself, and you haven't. I was told that you were bankrupt; there's no shame in that, been bankrupt twice. Well, here's the hat-trick... Rory, you're fired!
Tre Azam: They come across like something that belongs in a fetish gallery.
Sir Alan Sugar: I absolutely admire anybody like you have done...a mother under the circumstances which you were in, done your Open University stuff, got your MBA and this, that and the other. Love it, okay? Me? It don't mean jack shit, quite frankly. I'm not interested in these titles, okay?
Kristina Grimes: The French are cheese connoisseurs, and we're going to sell them something from Makro?
Lohit Kalburgi:(attempting to sell while speaking French) Hello, we have some specialities of Britishness... are you interesting?
Paul Callaghan: So, just to recap, we're trying to sell pork sausages to a Muslim, and offering him a taster in the middle of Ramadan. Other than that, I think it's all going perfectly well!
Sir Alan Sugar: That's not very good, is it? (After discovering that Stealth have made a loss of over £200)
Sir Alan Sugar: Is this a joke?! (during Paul's attempted explanation of his baked bean-tin stove)
Katie Hopkins: She's a complete snake in the grass and, frankly, too orange to be taken seriously. (about Kristina Grimes)
Sir Alan Sugar: I sent you out on a mission to France, to sell quality British products. I gave you a list of organic farmers, of people who use tender love and care to create something special that they take a pride in. And I wanted you to take that product and say "This is what us British produce, this is not mass-produced tut..." and what you do, is you go and buy a breeze block-load of bloody cheddar cheese!
Sir Alan Sugar: Paul, I sent you to sell the best of British to France. You spent half the bloody day frying sausages on some stupid contraption that the Boy Scouts could have made, and worse than that, Paul, you went out and lost me money! You're a total shambles. You're fired!
Adam Hosker: Katie didn't give me the extra effort that we needed. I felt if we had more effort and more commitment, we could have won.
Sir Alan Sugar: So you're saying lack of effort, then?
Adam Hosker: I-
Katie Hopkins: I could not have put more effort into yesterday! I fragged myself to the bone yesterday to try and make this thing work. Your reasons for bringing me in here just do not stack up. One, on a personal level; two, on a business level. Sir Alan says he does not know about my personal stuff. He knows about it, because you talked about it and Kristina talked about it. Fine, been there! But if you want to go personal, I'll go personal. I'd very much strongly advise you not to take this down a personal route. At a business level, you have one speed setting, and that setting is slow slow slow! Someone put the wrong speed dial in when they created you, sweetie, which is why when the phone rings, I always drop, because I know that phone call will take forever, to tell me something either I already know, or I could get done quicker myself. So you know what? You're just barking up the wrong tree!
Sir Alan Sugar: I wouldn't expect a Christmas Card from her this year, Adam.
Sir Alan Sugar: If she [Kristina] says "okay" one more time, I'm gonna hit something. Kristina Grimes:(on TV) Okay! Now here we have... (Sir Alan laughs and shakes his head)
Simon Ambrose:(while unwittingly appearing to be masturbating) If you're a young child you can do this, if you're an adult you can have fun!
(during Simon's trampoline demonstration) Producer: Honestly guys, at this moment in time, we're dying. Tre Azam: Is that really bad? Naomi Lay: Yeah...
Sir Alan Sugar: In these past ten weeks, I've been relying upon Nick and Margaret to tell me what you people have been up to. Well, I didn't need to last night, because I saw it myself. And what I saw was the biggest load of tut that I have ever seen in my life.
Paul Kemsley: You may not be aware of this...*coughs* Alan, but Tre runs a global corporation from his bedroom. Sir Alan Sugar: He does what? Paul Kemsley: Apparently, he's got 15 offices around the world...some of which may also be bedrooms.
Ian Stringer: There are two types of people in the world; Winners and... I don't know how to say the word, I can't say it, and I won't say it. (at the start of the episode; Ian lost as team leader that week, and was fired)
Sir Alan Sugar: How was Ian as a team leader? (long pause) Ian Stringer: Don't all speak at once, guys.
Sir Alan Sugar: Ian, you lost. A word that's not in your vocabulary, I understand.
Sir Alan Sugar: You haven't got a bloody clue, not a bloody clue! (to Renaissance)
Sir Alan Sugar: Simon, if I asked you to build me a wall, you'd build me a wall, I'm pretty sure of that. If I asked you to dig me a trench, you'd dig me a trench. But I'm not sure that if I asked you to run my investment portfolio, you'd be able to do that very well. I'm sorry my friend, I think you're a little bit out of your depth here. And with regret, you're fired.
Clinton Cards Representative: Do you think that's actually going to make someone smile? (Reads from card) "A bath uses 120 litres of water, whereas a shower only uses 30. Being more efficient in the way you wash will stop your money going down the drain. Bathe less, shower more." Kevin Shaw: If you don't put your weight behind it, then it's just the same as the US saying, "We don't care about pollution." (Stunned looks from the Clinton Cards Representatives)
(Renaissance have sold 6,000 cards so far; Alpha 3,000. One supplier left to go...) Margaret Mountford: Celebrations didn't buy any from Renaissance. Sir Alan Sugar: Right. And Celebrations for Alpha? Nick Hewer: They were keener. They bought 19,500. Michael Sophocles:(punches table) COME ON! COME ON! Lee McQueen: That's what I'm talking about! (long pause and shocked look from Margaret) Sir Alan Sugar: This is not a football match. This outburst of yours is...not something I would condone in this boardroom. Michael Sophocles: I apologise, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan Sugar: I can tell you Kevin that Clinton Cards, for example, reported that your pitch was dreadful. They found you a bit cocky, they found you preaching to them. Not selling them cards, preaching to them! There was a smell of arrogance about you, they felt. Did anyone else put themselves forward? (Claire and Jenny raise their hands) You two did? Margaret Mountford: Can I just say that perhaps it was a good thing that Jenny didn't do it? She actually told Clintons that because of environmental concerns she wasn't buying so many cards any more. Sir Alan Sugar: Is that right? Jenny Celerier:(proudly) Yes, I did, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: How can you make a statement on one hand that "I don't buy so many cards any more," and then come up with the concept, that this is what we should do?! Jenny Celerier: I really do passionately believe that this is still a viable concept, and that pitched correctly it could... Sir Alan Sugar: Oh, I'll tell you what, it's beyond my comprehension, this is.
Sir Alan Sugar: This whole task turned out a fiasco, and as team leader I hold you totally responsible. Kevin, you're fired!
Claire Young: Look, a snake! Ugh! I hate snakes. If Sir Alan, for a Million Pound, came up to me and said "Claire, kiss that snake.", I'd say. "I'm sorry. I'd rather kiss you!"
(In the boardroom after the kosher chicken incident) Sir Alan Sugar: It's an insult to the Muslim religion, let alone the Jewish religion. On your CV, what did you say on there? You're a good Jewish boy. Michael Sophocles: I'm not, I'm only half Jewish, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: Well, you either are or you aren't, yeah? Michael Sophocles: I'm a nice Jewish boy. Sir Alan Sugar: OK, because if you're unsure, you can always pull your trousers and we can check.
Sir Alan Sugar: Is it right that you went to a Muslim halal butcher and asked him to give you a kosher chicken, and he actually made a prayer over it, is that right? Michael Sophocles: That's correct, Sir Alan. Margaret Mountford: And he slaughtered it for you? Michael Sophocles: That's correct. Sir Alan Sugar: Are you having a laugh or what? I don't know why you didn't go the whole hog, and find a Roman Catholic priest to take the butcher's confession. You're here because you're supposed to be intelligent people, it's unbelievable! Aren't you embarrassed, Michael? Michael Sophocles: I am embarrassed, yes, Sir Alan. Sir Alan Sugar: Do you know what the word L'Chaim means? Michael Sophocles: I know what the word schmuck means.
Sir Alan Sugar: You know what? I think this team was totally out of control. It's the people who made the mistakes in buying the products that I can point at, or I can point at the team leader. Be under no illusion, there's no rule, no written rule, that I just have to get rid of one person. There's three terrible mistakes here. I don't give a shit! I'll fire three of you if I have to, I'll fire the whole bloody five of you! Don't bother me at all! It's up to you, you open your bloody mouth, or I'll just make some quick decisions.
(Sir Alan, Margaret and Nick continue the discussion alone...) Nick Hewer: How can he not know what a kosher chicken is? He did classics at Edinburgh, he's a bright enough boy, how could he make such a mess of things?. Margaret Mountford: Well, I think Edinburgh's not what it used to be.
Sir Alan Sugar: You know what, it seems that you hang on every word that I say and turn it on your colleagues. No good, no good. Sorry, same old story. Jenny, you're fired. Goodbye!
Raef Bjayou: I think that we need to remember that those in a size 16-32 dress, are size 16-32 for a reason: they love cake.
Michael Sophocles: They're just dumb-dumbs. (after failing to sell a cake to some brides-to-be)
Sir Alan Sugar: The fundamental flaw here is that the selling approach was wrong, in the sense that you're not selling double glazing. Michael Sophocles: I didn't sell it like a hard-sell double glazing. Nick Hewer: Really? Sara Dhada: We tried our absolute best to sell those cakes, it was really difficult. The first questions, we were asking, "Are you getting married, who are you getting married to? Really interested in their wedding. It is new, it's all edible..." [Sir Alan winces; Nick and Margaret look at Sara disapprovingly] Sara Dhada: "...You can do this to it, you can do that to it, you can have different colours put in it, it'll be like a wow factor at your wedding." We explained all these points, and it was so difficult to... Sir Alan Sugar: Listen, I'll tell you what. If I had been one of the recipients of your sales pitch, if it's anything like what you're doing now, I would have gotten hold of your head and pushed it in the bloody cake!
Claude Littner: I'll talk about Lucinda if I may, Alan. She's a very intelligent, bright individual. No doubt highly skilled at what she does and I would think she'd be a disaster for you. Paul Kemsley: I'll tell you a good point. If you're building a nice office for yourself and you want it lit beautifully with candles - nice smelling candles, good aroma therapy in the air, nice calm, perfect... Karren Brady: Paul! That is unfair.
Sir Alan Sugar: Lucinda, I'm afraid to say you're a little bit too zany for me, a little bit too unconventional for me. And so, Lucinda, with regret, you're fired!
Paula Jones: I don't think the food is up to scratch. It looks like it's come from a funeral at a working man's club.
James McQuillan: I think he's going to take me into the boardroom and do you know what, I feel bloody hurt. It just shows the gratitude. I honesty feel like I did when my cat died. It's like a hurt inside.
Sir Alan Sugar:(to James when questioning him on his CV) When you wake up in the morning you can taste success in your spit" is that right? ... What did you have, a curry last night?
Sir Alan Sugar:(to James) Who do you think should get fired? James McQuillan: Out of the three of us? I think you should fire the pair of them.
Kate Walsh:(aimed at Ben) No “sex sells” ideas. That's why I'm project manager for this task, there's no red bikinis coming out
Philip Taylor:(after performing his Pantsman jingle in a London studio) One take, that's all I do, one take.
Dru Masters:(after Philip’s performance) He's certainly got some confidence... He may think he's Bono.
Mona Lewis:(to a confused audience of creative advertising executive) The slogan we've come up with is “Put your pants on the right way.” Not like a superhero, 'cos he's the only one allowed to get away with it. So basically when you eat our cereal you won't dress up like pants man 'cos you're not pants man, only pants man gets away with his pants over his clothes...
James McQuillan: I feel like a monkey learning to use tools.
Sir Alan Sugar:(Commenting on Ben's Pirate Voice) I thought I heard a hoarse Ian Paisley there.
Sir Alan Sugar:(questioning the bright green box design) It wouldn’t have looked out of place in the fertilisers section or the cat food.
Nick Hewer:(Referring to ignite's "Pantsman" idea in the boardroom) They took logic and tortured it until it screamed.
Ben Clarke: I'm a natural born leader. Sandhurst clearly saw that in me.
Sir Alan Sugar: You valued the skeleton, right? Noorul Choudhury: Right. Sir Alan Sugar: I'll tell you what, the bleeding skeleton could have done a better job than the lot of you! You got it valued at the right price, why did you sell it at that ridiculous price? Nick Hewer: It probably wasn't going at all until Ben stepped in and closed the deal. Noorul Choudhury: I disagree with the fact that you say that Ben closed the deal... Nick Hewer: I'm sure of it. Noorul Choudhury: I was in conversation with the guy the whole time... Sir Alan Sugar: Ben, who closed the deal, you or him? Ben Clarke: I just said, "will you take sixty quid," I just stepped in to get the job done. Noorul Choudhury: The money did exchange in my hands. Nick Hewer:(rolls eyes) Well, maybe it did. But he closed the deal. Sir Alan Sugar: What, was you the cashier?
Debra Barr:(snaps at a startled Nick Hewer) How can you say that Nick? How can you say that?
Sir Alan Sugar:(to Debra) You find another way of addressing yourself, right? And stop talking to him like he’s a second class citizen.
Ben Clarke: I think I'm going to bring back Noorul, and I think I'm also going to bring back... James. Sir Alan Sugar:James? James McQuillan: What?! [to Sir Alan] Ooh, sorry. Ben Clarke: I don't know what exactly he contributed. But then again, I'm torn between James and Debra. Debra Barr: Bring me in, mate! I'm well up for it. Take me in, and we can sit here and explain about this task. Sir Alan Sugar: What have you picked on him [James] for? Ben Clarke: I'm going to bring back Noorul and Debra. I was struggling to identify what exactly James had done... Sir Alan Sugar: I hope you're bringing in people for the right reasons. I hope you're not thinking about James, that there might be a village missing an idiot somewhere.
Sir Alan Sugar:(after his latest firing) I've got this feeling about Noorul. All I can say is, whoever employs him, better get a receipt.
James McQuillan: I did have a bit of bad luck in that everyone I rang up weren't interested or wasn't in. It just seems that if I started a funeral parlour, people would stop dying. That's the sort of bad luck I had today.
Lorraine Tighe: I'm a little bit of a slow burner in terms of my thought process. I don't necessary get the idea immediately, but it will come...
Nick Hewer: Frankly returning to London with no sales is a bit like the three of them popping into that cat plane and taking off to join the Battle of Britain. They ain't got a chance.
Sir Alan Sugar: Listen, don't get impatient with me, Philip. Philip Taylor: I'm not, Sir Alan, it's just that I can't seem to do anything right. I criticise Lorraine, and I get it in the neck. I win as project manager, and I get it in the neck. I can't do anything right! Sir Alan Sugar: Listen, look! You know the Body Rocker thing? I dunno if this bleeding thing's gone to your head or what. Okay, you done well there, yeah. Okay. But that's it! One swallow don't make a summer, you understand? Since then, you ain't done that great, in my mind. Philip Taylor: Well, I sold three items last week, Sir Alan! Nick Hewer: Tell us about Pantsman. (long silence)
James McQuillan:(on how he would have liked to have got through his wife's labour) 'I would have given anything to have had a Playstation with me to kill a bit of time...
James McQuillan:(on the benefits of a home birth pool) The lid's open so the baby can jump out.
James McQuillan:(on breast-feeding) The mother needs to be happy because if she's a bit anxious there's something in nature that switches off the tap in her breast.
Sir Alan Sugar:(to Ben just before firing him) Stop going on about bloody Sandhurst, so what? I was in the Jewish Lad's Brigade, Stamford Hill Division, trainee bugler, but that didn't help me sell computers when I got older!
Sir Alan Sugar: We had the Sandhurst group here before - and one of them couldn't cook sausages on a baked bean can! (a reference to Paul Callaghan from series 3).
Claude Littner: I've read through your CV and it's fair to say that it's exceptional. Exceptionally bad, that is.
Claude Littner: When asked 'What do you do for living?' your answer is 'In a nutshell, I put a leash on people who spunk money up the wall'. Now do you really think that Sir Alan, as a serious businessman and entrepreneur, is going to want to hear that kind of language to a serious question?
James McQuillan: Claude, I need to make myself stand out from all those other thousands of people-
Claude Littner: But not by being a prat! I could overlook it, perhaps, if it were an isolated incident. However, you then go on with your crassness. 'Why should you be Sir Alan's next apprentice?' 'I can bring ignorance to the table'.
James McQuillan: I can. It's a good style of ignorance. It's an ignorance about-
Claude Littner: The mistake you're making, James, is that you're trying to defend what's frankly indefensible.
Lord Sugar: I've read all your CV's and on paper you all look good, but so does fish and chips
Lord Sugar: It's sink or swim and as you've learnt by now, I don't do life-jackets.
Dan Harris: Come on! WHO IS DOING THE MINCING?
Raleigh Addington: It wasn't fair, it was shameful!
Stuart Baggs: Everything I touch turns to sold.
Jamie Lester: It was cringeable.
Stuart Baggs: Dan, how many sausages did you make yesterday? Dan Harris: What I did was manage the team that produced eleven hundred sausages. Stuart Baggs: [Pressing keys on an invisible calculator] So, that's on a calculator...nought, I think?
Stuart Baggs: If you give me a hundred grand a year, I will deliver to you ten times that and if I don't take it back. I'll give it back to you, a money back guarentee. I'm that confident. And that's why you shouldn't fire me Lord Sugar. Lord Sugar: I had an offer like that from Nigeria once.
Karren Brady:You are representing businesswomen today, one of which I am. And I have to say, it is outrageous the way you're behaving. 75% of my management team are women, and I've never come across anything like this. And I think you have to remember who you're representing in this process. Young women out there who want to have an opportunity to do this - you should be an example to them.
Nick Hewer: Behind me, you can see Stella wearing a very short, sequinned, emerald green dress, waving at people from a window. Amsterdam, maybe, but not in Manchester.
Alex Epstein: How about we tell people we opened the store today, and we've got Fearne Cotton and Alesha Dixon in the store? Sandeesh Samra: Because that would be a lie?
Lord Sugar: I don't like your last outbursts...and I don't like what I've seen across the table here today. You've talked yourself out of this. If you'd shut up a while back, it may be someone else going. Paloma, you're fired.
Alex Epstein: If I was an apple pie, the apples inside would be orange.
Laura Moore: [suggesting a name for a cleaning product] Blitz? Alex Epstein: The Blitz was a big bombing thing, wasn't it, years ago, like the Blitz in London? Laura Moore: But 'blitz clean', that's a word that people use... Alex Epstein: I think most people that were alive then are dead anyway.
Stuart Baggs: Hasta la vista, gravy.
Stuart Baggs: [gravelly American accent] Coming to a kitchen or bathroom near you. There'll be no mercy...only total devastation.
Stuart Baggs: Influenza's going to be Cockney. [Cockney accent] 'Let's hide down 'ere. Dey won't find us down 'ere, mate.'
[take two, as Influenza] 'Don't worry, E.coli. Come an' 'ide down 'ere wiv me. No cleaner cleans this deep.' [whiny voice, as E.coli] 'Oh no, it's the Germ-o-nator! Urrrrgh!'
Nick Hewer: The first time an octopus was mentioned, it was mentioned by the woman at the focus group, and as soon as she mentioned octopus, you were all over it like a tramp on chips.
Lord Sugar: [on Apollo's final product] This thing is the most horrible thing I've seen in the bathroom since Psycho.
Stuart Baggs: If Alex comes back, I will genuinely eat an item of clothing from every single one of you.
Stuart Baggs: (Pleading to Lord Alan Sugar) If I work for you it's not going to be from 9 to 5, and I know some people think that. I'll be in the office weekends, even on a Sunday. I'll work for you 24/7. Lord Sugar: I don't need a night watchman. Stuart Baggs: Listen, I will make you so proud of me. Lord Sugar: Uh, I hear your enthusiasm you know? Great enthusiasm. A fly's got enthusiasm but it doesn't stop headbutting the window! Stuart Baggs: Ok, well since I've been in this process I've had 10 weeks and let me tell you, every night I've been thinking of new business ideas that I really want to develop. Let's start a new company, and not only will you be able to put me in an existing one, I can run one for you. I want you to wake up in the morning, and check the bank balance and think "He has made me millions" and I won't be happy with myself unless I've done that for you. Lord Sugar: That is such outrageous promises that you can't guarantee! Stuart Baggs: I’m not a one-trick pony. I’m not a ten-trick pony. I’ve got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this.
Lord Sugar: (After Stuart Baggs' "over the top" pony plea) There you are ladies, there's a gentleman that's put his plea forward. He's going to make me millions of millions of pounds in a business that he doesn't know what we're gonna be in yet, and that's a hard one to counter don't you think?
Jamie Lester: (To an audience of tourists) On our left is the River Thames. It's the second largest river in London.
Jamie Lester: (To an audience of tourists) Straight ahead of you we've got Big Ben. The face of the clock is twenty diameters in width.
Stuart Baggs: [trying to poach tourists from the other team]Hi guys, can I interest you in a tour? Joanna Riley: What the hell is going on? Chris Bates: Stuart, seriously, fuck off. Stuart Baggs: Seriously, you fuck off, this is our pitch. Chris Bates: It's not, this is the north area! Stuart Baggs: Go on, hit me then. Chris Bates: I'm not going to hit you, I'm just saying to get off our fucking patch! Stuart Baggs: You mouth off, you mouth off, but why don't you back it up with something? Chris Bates: Oh shut up, you fat twat. Why don't you fuck off down there? Fucking dickhead. Stuart Baggs: That's not very professional, is it? Joanna Riley: Just ignore him, he's not worth it! Stuart Baggs: [to camera] It seems a bit weak if you've got to swear a lot, you know? Not very professional.
Claude Littner: (reading from Stuart's CV) "I'm Stuart Baggs, The Brand" Stuart Baggs: Yeah. Claude Littner: What on Earth are you talking about? Stuart Baggs: Well... Claude Littner: You're a 21 year old kid. You're not a brand! Stuart Baggs: Well I think, when you look at what a brand means, it is... Claude Littner: No, don't tell me what a brand means, okay? You are not a brand, you're not a brand! Stuart Baggs: I think I might be. Claude Littner: Fine. Let's explore this a bit further then? Why would somebody, as successful, as innovative, as... Stuart Baggs: Yeah? Claude Littner: ...big a dreamer, as a brand, as you? Why would you want to have a job with Lord Sugar? Stuart Baggs: Because at the minute, I'm a big fish in a small pond. Claude Littner: You're not a big fish. You're not a big fish. You're not even a fish!
Lord Sugar: (to Stuart) The thing is, is that my four advisers looked at me in this boardroom earlier today. They said to me that... you're full of shit, basically. And, possibly, you have been, throughout the whole course of this process.
Melody Hossaini: Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
Jim Eastwood: I believe I can be the champion thoroughbred that this process requires.
Leon Doyle: I don’t like your gimmicky salesman who thinks he can sell ice to an Eskimo. Chances are he probably can’t, and why would an Eskimo buy ice?
Felicity Jackson: Lord Sugar will probably find it difficult to ever say anything negative to me, because I always turn it round to a positive.
Vincent Disneur: I’m best of breed within my industry. I’ve got plenty of charisma and, yeah, I’m not bad-looking.
Edna Agbarha: I seek out pain rather than pleasure. A limp handshake is unforgivable.
Tom Pellereau: (whips off glasses) Underneath these glasses is a core of steel.
Lord Sugar: Ed, you were trained at one of the leading accountancy firms in the country, I believe. Is that right? Edward Hunter: Don't fit the mould. Lord Sugar: I beg your pardon? Edward Hunter: I don't fit the mould. Lord Sugar: I didn't ask you that question, I said you were trained by one of the leading accountancy companies. Edward Hunter: I was. Lord Sugar: So, you would have had insight and vision into how companies are run, because you audited them a couple of times, yeah? Edward Hunter: It's all there. Lord Sugar: I beg your pardon? Edward Hunter: It's all there. All my experience is with me. Lord Sugar: Can you stop talking to me in semaphore? We're not sending each other text messages, here.
Edward Hunter: Lord Sugar, my business plan and my strategy, different, very different. Bottom-up, not top down, because we didn't know how many I was gonna sell. Didn't wanna speculate. Lord Sugar: But you must have had some idea... Edward Hunter: When I was producing, that was production, and the selling was gonna take care of itself.
Lord Sugar:(to Nick and Karren) Edward, he reminds me of a very slow internet line. You have to wait, and you see him ticking over.
Edward Hunter: Not only am I the youngest person on this team... Gavin Winstanley: Oh, well done, mate! Edward Hunter: ...I'm also the shortest! (Gavin, Leon and Lord Sugar laugh at Edward)
Lord Sugar: You said on your resume that "I'm Lord Sugar's dream." With all due respect, you've been a bit of a nightmare. And so I'm gonna have to say to you, Edward, you're fired. (Edward stands up and starts to leave) Just learn from this, Edward. There's no shame in being an accountant, don't ever, ever run yourself down as far as that's concerned.
Vincent Disneur: What I thought we could do is have some sort of advert where you’ve got the old-school labrador that everybody loves, and you’ve got the It Boy pug. When you get them together, they don’t like each other too much, but at the end they become pals. And that would be the name of the brand: Pals. Ellie Reed: Pal is already a name. Tom Pellereau: It’s the second biggest dog food brand in the world. Vincent Disneur: Is it? Tom Pellereau: If not the first.
Vincent Disneur:(to a dog owner, while filming the advert) Can we have the dog on all fours? Dog owner: On all fours? Vincent Disneur: You know, on all fours, rather than sitting down. Dog owner: Do you mean standing up? Vincent Disneur: Yeah, standing up.
[after Team Logic's fifth successive loss] Lord Sugar: You know, I had a dream recently. I dreamt that one day I came into the boardroom and you lot weren't here.
Lord Sugar:(to Jim) I don't know whether you're made of brains or bollocks.
Lord Sugar: This Jim, he seems to have some kind of control over people. I don’t know why.
Lord Sugar:(to Vincent) With your track record at Logic, I suppose Winalot was not on the agenda, really.
Natasha Scribbins:(to Vincent) Tom’s voice was not heard 'cause you were so far up Jim’s behind, you couldn’t see the wood for the trees!
Lord Sugar: I haven't seen much of you, Ellie. I don't think I can go into business with you, so I'm going to tell you that you're fired. Ellie Reed: Okay. [Ellie gets up and leaves. Lord Sugar turns to face Vincent] Lord Sugar: Vincent, I've got a feeling that you're too in awe of other people, and I think you're playing a bit of a risky game by strategising and bringing in the wrong people, so I think a message needs to go back. Vincent, you're also fired.
Edna Agbarha: To some extent, I've been in both camps. I've been the brains and I've been the brawn as well.
Natasha Scribbins: Melody just turned to me and just basically got a big plate of blame and went “There you go. Fancy a bite?”
Susan Ma: Zoe made so many bad decisions on this task. She was just sad and pessimistic, with a horrible attitude throughout the task. I never ever want to work with her again.
Lord Sugar: My disposals get taken away in the back of a taxi.
Melody Hossaini: It felt so good yesterday to see dirt on me, to see my fingernails dusty, to see dust in my eyes.
Nick Hewer: There’s never any meat in it. That’s the problem – it’s just waffle.
Edna Agbarha: I train chief executives how to be better at their job. A person who has a budget of £5bn, I'm the individual who does the assessment on that particular person and his leadership team and I teach them how to be even better at their jobs. Nick Hewer:(to Lord Sugar) Do you need training? Lord Sugar: I don't think so.
Nick Hewer: Zoe slapped down Susan a couple of times, [just] as somebody slaps down a yapping puppy.
Susan Ma:(on Zoe) On a personal level, she’s one of the bitchiest and most back-stabbing people I’ve ever met.
Natasha Scribbins: It's an anytime treat, for after school.
Zoe Beresford: Melody is a nightmare to work with. She’s come up with this one idea, and she’s pushing it and pushing it and pushing it. I don't like it, Susie doesn't like it and Tom doesn't like it. I can imagine that in the focus group, she would have talked them to death until they all held up a white flag and say “Yes, we’ll go with the bloody heart.”
Helen Milligan:(when asked to tell a joke by Mike Soutar) A fish is swimming along and he swims straight into something and he goes “Oh, dam.”
Margaret Mountford:(to Jim) I must say, I’ve never seen a longer application form. “I’m not a show pony, or a one-trick pony, or a wild stallion that needs to be tamed, or even a stubborn mule. I believe I can become the champion thoroughbred that this process requires.” What impression does that give me of you – that you’re a bit of an ass?
Jim Eastwood:(on being asked by Margaret to summarise himself without resorting to clichés) I am exactly what it says on the tin.
Lord Sugar: Tom, maybe there is some legs in offering a chair.
Adam Corbally:(Sniffing some English wine) You can smell Christmas cake.
Tom Gearing:(while visibly drunk) I've enjoyed myself thoroughly today. It's been a great day, me and Adam have had a lot of fun. We've really gotten to grips with the English wine sparkling... sorry, really got to grips with English wine... sparking...
Lord Sugar:(on Jenna's disastrous video advert) I know you're out there trying to impress me, and I also know I might remind you a little of Sid James, but I didn't ask you to make a Carry On Boozing movie. I was expecting any one moment there, Kenneth Williams to pop in and say "Ooh, maître d’, where's me Grandeur gone? Someone's nicked me Grandeur!" It's a total bloody joke! I don't know what you were thinking!
Jason Leech: Not you Jordan, somebody average size!
Lord Sugar:(commenting on a poorly designed piece of furniture that the girl's team failed to sell) Functional, yes. Functional in the sense that it's easy to wheel it out to the skip to throw it away!
Lord Sugar: Scott, can you tell me what you were doing on this task? Because I've had some reports back that, never mind the bleeding Wolf of Wall Street, you're more like the bloody Poodle of Petticoat Lane.
Lord Sugar:(on Steven) He is an irritant, there's no question of it, right? But it's not really a reason for placing the blame on a person like that-- Steven Ugoalah:(interrupting Sugar) Exactly! Exactly. Lord Sugar: Steven, may I respectfully say to you, SHUT UP!