Team Fortress 2
Team Fortress 2 is the sequel to Team Fortress Classic, developed and produced by Valve. TFC in turn was derived from the Team Fortress mod for id Software's Quake. It was released in Fall 2007 for consoles via The Orange Box and PC on Steam.
Meet The Team
The quotes below are from the game's promotional trailers.
Meet the Heavy
[In a dark storeroom, Heavy instructs the audience while performing maintenance on Sasha, his minigun.]
- Heavy: I am Heavy Weapons Guy. And this... [grips Sasha] is my weapon. She weighs 150 kilograms and fires $200 custom-tooled cartridges at 10,000 rounds per minute. [leans in] It cost $400,000 to fire this weapon...for 12 seconds.
- Heavy: [laughing maniacally , holds up a finger trying to calm down]
- Heavy: [inspecting his minigun] Oh my god, who touched Sasha?! Alright... Who touched my gun?!
- Heavy: [looking somewhat sad] Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe…[sniffs] maybe. [gets serious] I've yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet.
- Heavy: [screaming while firing his minigun, later laughing maniacally] Cry some more! [when the screen suddenly goes dark] Heh, cry some more...
Meet the Soldier
Like a hardened drill sergeant, Soldier addresses what appears to be a group of blu soldiers. It is later revealed that they are the mutilated heads of members of the opposing team.
- Soldier: "If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!... ." Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it! And then he perfected it, so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor!
- Soldier: Then he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on Earth [removes grenades from bandoleer to illustrate "two"]. And then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one! [bashes the two grenades together]
- Soldier: [Laughs to himself] And from that day forward, any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo!
- Soldier: Unless it's a farm!
Meet the Demoman
This interview is conducted in Demoman's armory. It is accompanied by a cinematic of Demoman engaging a superior enemy force with particular guile.
- Demoman: What makes me a good Demoman? If I were a bad Demoman, I wouldn't be sitting here, discussing it with you, now would I?!
- Demoman: (a few RED Team members running in the background) Let's do it! (jumps out, and being shot with constant rockets seeming that there are a lot of soldiers) Not one of ya's gonna survive this!
- Demoman: One crossed wire, one wayward pinch of potassium chlorate, one errant twitch... and KABLOOIE!
(The RED Demoman then begins to take a long drink from his bottle as scenes show him killing a BLU Pyro from behind and him destroying a Level 3 Sentry with a RED Scout dying next to him)
- Demoman: [After drinking a copious amount of scrumpy] n' I got a manky eye. I'm a black, Scottish cyclops! They've got more [Exaggeratedly long censorship tone] than they've got the likes o' me!
- Demoman: [This part of the interview periodically cuts to a cinematic of the Demoman setting a trap for a large group of foes] So! [Bagpipes begin to play in the background] ....T'all you fine dandies so proud, so cock-sure, prancin' aboot with your heads full of eyeballs! Come and get me I say! I'll be waiting on ya with a whiff of the 'ol brimstone. I'm a grim bloody fable, with an unhappy bloody end! [Demoman sets off the trap, and the BLU players that were following him are blown to pieces. The Demoman walks over, laughing, and bends down to stare at the remains of his foes while several parts of the exploded corpses are raining from the sky.] Oh, they're going to have to glue you back together... IN HELL!
Meet the Engineer
During this scene, an upbeat Engineer passes the time playing acoustic guitar. As he explains his role, the sentry guns surrounding him acquire and kill various hostiles.
- Engineer: Hey, look buddy. I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems. Not problems like, "What is beauty?," because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of 'philosophy'. I solve practical problems.
- Engineer: F'r instance, how am I gonna stop some big, mean Mother Hubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind? The answer? Use a gun. And if that don't work? Use more gun. Like this heavy-caliber tripod-mounted little old number designed by me, built by me, and you best hope... [deadly serious] not pointed at you.
Meet the Sniper
Sniper drives his camper in a remote outback. Interspersed are scenes of him on the telephone to his father, and other scenes of him at work.
- Sniper: [looking at a bobblehead of Team Fortress Classic Civilian, Sniper flicks it] Boom, headshot.
- Sniper: Sniping's a good job, mate! It's challenging work, out-of-doors... I guarantee you'll not go hungry, 'cause at the end of the day, as long as there are two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead.
- Sniper: [on the phone] Dad? Dad I'm- … y- … Not a crazed gunman, Dad, I'm an assassin! Well, the difference being one's a job, and the other's mental sickness! [to audience] I'll be honest with you— my parents... do not care for it.
- Sniper: [in a tower, looking through scope] I think this mate saw me... [bullets ricochet near Sniper, Sniper ducks] Yes, yes he did!
- Sniper: Feelings?! Look, mate, you know who has a lot of feelings? Blokes that bludgeon their wife to death with a golf trophy. Professionals have standards: Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
- Sniper: Dad, dad... put- [sighs] put mum on the phone!
Meet the Scout
[Faster Than a Speeding Bullet plays as the warehouse doors in Well rise, revealing a crouching RED Scout with other members of Red Team.]
[The Scout watches various BLU Team members stationed around center point: an Engineer industriously making defensive preparations, a smoking Spy, and a Soldier juggling rockets.]
[Scout pumps his scattergun and RED runs out to attack center point.]
[The Scout charges into a fierce battle on Well, quickly outpacing all his teammates. He runs towards the center of the map dodging everything that BLU throws at him, then outruns and crosses a passing train as it crushes a BLU Soldier and Pyro.]
[Scout walks in front of the Meet the Scout text, from off frame.]
- Scout: "Um... I don't even know where to start with you. I mean, do you even know who you're talkin' to?
[BLU Heavy, sitting near the third Control Point in Granary about to take a bite of a Sandvich, when he is poked in the head by the Scout's bat.]
- Scout: "Yo, what's up?"
- Scout: D-Do you have any idea, any idea who I am?"
[Back to Heavy and Scout, who are in a fistfight and yelling.]
- Scout: "Basically - kind of a big deal!"
[Back to fight. Scout is strangling Heavy with his bat.]
- Scout: Flexes a muscle] "Oh man, that's beautiful. Heh!"
[Cut back to fight, Heavy now has the Scout in a headlock. Cuts back to Scout.]
- Scout: " Ya' listenin'? OK. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brotha'-[pokes the camera] I hurt people."
[Cut back to fight, The Scout whacks the Heavy in the gut with his bat.]
- Scout: "BOINK!"
- Scout: "I'm a force-a-nature!"
[Scout hits the Heavy in the chin.]
- Scout: BONK!"
Scout: "If you were from where I was from, you'd be f**kin' dead!"
[Cuts back to fight; Heavy is collapsed on the ground trying to reach for his Sandvich; the Scout runs up the side of a shipping container, jumps off and slams his bat into the Heavy's head.]
- Scout: "WOOO!"
[Scout sits on the twitching body of the Heavy eating the Heavy's Sandvich; the point is now RED's.]
Meet the Sandvich
Heard from inside the BLU refrigerator, the RED Heavy is groaning while he is pursued by a Blu Soldier and a BLU Scout as he runs to the refriderator.
- Scout: Yeah, there he is!
- Soldier: You! Stop right where you are! That is an order! [to Scout] He's getting away! Do not let him get to the refri- [to Heavy, who has gotten to the refrigerator, opens it, and takes out a sandvich]
- Scout: D-Don't do it pal!
- Soldier: Do not do it!
[Heavy starts to eat the sandvich]
- Soldier: [simultaneously as the BLU Scout starts talking] … Oh, hell…
- Scout: H-h-hey, let's just calm down here! You listening? J-j-just... OH GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GO- [thud, Heavy laughing]
- Scout: My blood! He- he punched out all my blood!
- Soldier: You call that breaking my spine? You RED team ladies wouldn't know how to break a spine if i- [crack] AUGHH! MY SPINE!
Loud scream can be heared, and the video ends with the Ending Flourish. But then shows the Heavy on the same hill in Meet the Heavy, eating a sandvich.
Meet the Spy
An alarm panel is shown, with various sections lighting up as the Announcer speaks.
- The Administrator: Intruder alert! RED Spy in the base!
BLU Soldier: A RED Spy is in the base?! [grabs a shotgun and rushes downstairs]Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut....
The Administrator: Protect the briefcase!
BLU Soldier: We need to protect the briefcase!
BLU Scout: [trying to open the briefcase room door] Yo, a little help here?!
BLU Soldier: All right, all right, I've got it. Stand back, son. [punches numbers into the door lock] One, one, one... uh... one?
BLU Scout: Let's go, let's go!
BLU Heavy: [charges around a corner and towards the door] INCOMING! [breaks through the door, along with BLU Scout and BLU Soldier]
BLU Scout: Hey, it's still here!
- BLU Spy: [arrives, carrying BLU Sniper's body with the RED Spy's knife in his back] Gentlemen... I see the briefcase is safe?
BLU Soldier: Safe and sound.
BLU Scout: Yeah it is!
BLU Spy: Tell me, did anyone happen to kill a RED spy on the way here? No? Then we still have a problem. [drops Sniper's body on the table]
BLU Soldier: And a knife.
- BLU Scout: Ooh-hoo-hoo, big problem! [plays with RED Spy's balisong] I've killed plenty of spies. They're dime-a-dozen back-stabbin' scumbags, like you! [cuts himself] Ow! No offense.
BLU Spy: [casually closes knife with impressive skill, handing it back to the scout] If you managed to kill them, I assure you they were not like me. And nothing - nothing! - like the man loose inside this building!
BLU Scout: What are you, president of his fan club? [BLU Soldier chuckles]
BLU Spy: No... that would be your mother! [reveals several incriminating photos of the RED Spy embracing/making love to a middle-aged woman, presumably the Scout's mother]
BLU Scout: What the--? [stammering; shocked]
BLU Spy: Indeed. And now he's here to F**k us! So listen up, boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today. [Scout shakes his fist at BLU Spy, while BLU Heavy shows BLU Soldier a particular photo with a smirk]
BLU Soldier: Oh! [leers at the photo]
BLU Scout: Gimme that! [Snatches the pictures from them in anger]
- BLU Spy: [lights a cigarette from his case] This Spy has already breached our defenses.
The RED Spy is shown running through the BLU base, approaching the BLU Engineer and his sentry gun. The Spy saps the sentry gun.
BLU Engineer: Sentry down! [throws down wrench and attempts to draw his pistol. He is not fast enough, and is shot in the head by the RED Spy.]
- BLU Spy: You see what he's done to our colleagues! [gestures at the body of the BLU Sniper]
The RED spy is shown sneaking up on the BLU Sniper. A floorboard creaks, causing the Sniper to turn. He grabs his kukri and takes several swings at the RED Spy, before being stabbed in the back.
- BLU Spy: And worst of all, he could be any one of us!
The RED spy is shown, battling the BLU Medic.
BLU Medic: Raus, raus! [swings at the Spy with his Bonesaw]
RED Spy: [effortlessly blocks the attack, breaking the Medic's arm as he does. His body shimmers, and he takes on the appearance of the Medic.].
BLU Medic: Nein...
RED Spy: [strikes the Medic in the neck, killing him. The Medic's glasses fly into the air, and the Spy takes them to complete his disguise.]
- BLU Spy: He could be in this very room! He could be you! He could be me! He could even b– [his head is blown off by BLU Soldier's shotgun]
BLU Scout: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
BLU Heavy: Augh!
BLU Soldier: What? It was obvious! [He pumps his shotgun, ejecting the spent shell] He's the RED Spy! Watch, he'll turn red any second now. [taps the BLU Spy's foot with the barrel of his gun] Any second now... See? Red! Oh wait, that's blood.
BLU Heavy: So, we still got problem.
[BLU Scout behind them opens the balisong with spy-like skill, and turns into a RED Spy]
BLU Soldier: Big problem. Alright, who's ready to go find the Spy?
RED Spy: Right behind you.
[The RED Spy stabs the BLU Soldier and Heavy to the beat of the Meet the Team ending flourish.]
- RED Spy: [with BLU intelligence in tow, picks up a photo of BLU Scout's mother and smiles fondly] Ah, ma petite chou-fleur.
Meet the Medic
[A peaceful nature scene is interrupted by a explosion, and a RED Scout and RED Demoman are fleeing, both bandaged and the latter in a wheelchair.]
- RED Scout: (To Demoman) Move cyclops, move! Come on, come on almost--!
[A rocket knocks the RED Scout to the ground, he tries to get up but sees more rockets coming at him.]
- RED Scout: Whoa, what the Fu--?!
[The rockets impact the ground near the Scout, hurling him screaming into the air. He strikes a window, leaving cracks radiating out from his face's impact point.]
- RED Scout: Medic...
[The Scout's body slides off the window as the camera zooms out to reveal an operating room, with a number of doves perched here and there. The RED Heavy lays on the operating table, fully conscious with his chest wide open. A ceiling-mounted medigun is shown to be keeping him alive. The RED Medic, holding the Heavy's heart, shares a chucklesome medical anecdote with him.]
- RED Heavy: Oh ho ho! No more, haa haa ha ha ha!
- RED Medic: Vait, vait, it gets better! Vhen ze patient voke up, his skeleton vas missing, and ze doctor vas never heard from again!
[The Medic bursts out laughing, shortly followed by the Heavy.]
- RED Medic: [calming down] Anyvay... Zat's how I lost my medical licence. Heh!
[Heavy suddenly looks very worried. A dove, presumably Archimedes, pops out of the Heavy's stomach, startling both the Medic and his patient.]
- RED Medic: Archimedes! No! [waves Archimedes away] It's filthy in zere, ugh! [notices Heavy glaring at him incredulously.] Birds! [chuckles]
[The Medic grabs a device with the words "Uber" on it from the table and turns back to Heavy.]
- RED Medic: Now, most hearts couldn't vithstand zis voltage. [stabs Heavy's heart on the uber-device and grabs the ceiling-mounted medigun] But I'm fairly certain your heart--
[The Medic is interrupted as the Heavy's heart explodes in the medigun's beam, a stray fragment knocking Archimedes from his perch.]
- RED Heavy: [looking away] What was noise?
- RED Medic: Ze sound of progress, my friend!
[The Medic opens a refrigerator containing a sandvich, bottles of beer, and three hearts in labeled petri dishes.]
- RED Medic: Ah... perfect. [The Medic takes a large "mega baboon" heart, revealing the severed head of a BLU Spy behind it.]
- BLU Spy's head: Kill me.
- RED Medic: Later. (closes fridge) Vhere vas I? Ah, zere ve go... [The Medic attaches the Uber device to the new heart and holds it in the medigun's beam, where it starts beating.] Come on, come on!
[The Medic starts laughing maniacally as the heart begins to glow brightly. The Heavy laughs nervously, edging away from the Medic a little. The Medic squints against the glow, until eventually looking at the heart once more, which is now uber-textured.]
- RED Medic: Oh, zat looks good. (drops it in the Heavy's open body) Very nice zere.
- RED Heavy: Should I be awake for this?
- RED Medic: Ah-heh, vell, no. [adjusts his glasses] But as long as you are, could you hold your ribcage open a bit? [The Heavy obliges, and the Medic starts pushing the heart up into his chest] I can't... seem--
[The Heavy yells in pain as blood spurts from his chest, before looking at his hand to see a broken-off rib.]
- RED Medic: Oh, don't be such a baby. [pinches the Heavy's cheek patronizingly as he takes the rib away from him] Ribs grow back! [turns to the medigun, tossing the rib over his shoulder. He whispers to Archimedes:] No, zey don't.
[The Medic pulls the medigun right up to the Heavy's chest, cranking it up to full power. As the hole in his chest seals itself up (clothes and all), the Heavy grins.]
- RED Heavy: (takes a deep breath) What happens now?
- RED Medic: Now? (chuckles as he helps the Heavy up) Let's go practice medicine.
[The Medic puts on his lab coat, gloves and medigun. A metal door opens as the Medic steps out, bathed in light and with doves flying around him. The Heavy runs ahead of him. The Medic surveys the battlefield as the Demoman frantically rides his wheelchair towards him.]
- RED Demoman: Medic! [Rockets from the enemy send the Demoman out of his wheelchair and face first into the ground.]
[The Medic adjusts his glasses, turns on the medigun and heals the Demoman. The Demoman nods gratefully and heads back to the battlefield. The Medic also heals the Scout.]
- RED Scout: Yeah! (jumps to his feet, grabs his baseball bat and runs off) Woo-hoo-hoo!
[The Heavy takes cover behind a truck as the Scout knocks out a BLU Soldier with his bat.]
- RED Scout: Oh yeah!
[The Heavy looks around the truck to see a horde of BLU Soldiers coming their way.]
- RED Heavy: Doctor! Are you sure this will work?
- RED Medic: Ha ha, I have no idea!
[The Medic flips a switch on his medigun. A button reading "Übercharge Ready" lights up. The Heavy breaks cover and yells out as the medigun's beam strikes him. A brief internal shot of his augmented heart shows it beating faster and faster, as the Heavy turns red and and his eyes glow yellow.]
- RED Heavy: [advancing, minigun firing, with the Medic bringing up the rear. A rocket explodes against him, and he strides unscathed and lauhging out of the dust cloud.] I am bulletproof!!
[The RED Engineer and RED Sniper watch in amazement as the Übered Heavy shrugs off the incoming rockets as one by one, all the BLU soldiers falling to his minigun's fire. The Soldiers' corpses form a large pile which the Medic and Heavy stride triumphantly to the top of.]
[Cut to a waiting room, where the rest of the RED team is waiting, the Engineer idly strumming his guitar as the Pyro attempts to set a magazine on fire with a cigarette lighter.]
- RED Medic: Zat looks good, very nice zere, yes!
- RED Scout: Hey, thanks Doc! [throws open the operating theatre door and strides out to the team] Ahawhawman! You would not believe...how much this hurts!
[The Scout's chest bulges as a dove's cooing is heard from inside. The Scout looks down at his chest in shock.]
- RED Medic: Archimedes?
Meet the Pyro
- RED Heavy: I fear no man. But that...thing...It scares me.
- RED Scout: No, I ain't--I ain--I ain't talking about that freak, alright. He's not here, is he? How do I get this f**king thing off?!
- RED Spy: One shudders to imagine what inhuman thoughts lie behind that mask. What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty?
- (entering Pyro's vision, seeing that the Pyro is in Pyroland, equipped with the Rainblower, happy music is playing in background)
- (a baby Heavy comes charging with at the Pyro; he skips to the Heavy to hit him with a Lollichop, but in reality, he is cutting him down with his fireman's axe.)
- BLU Heavy: AHHH!!!
- (Pyro in Pyroland is blowing bubbles in baby scout's face; in reality, shooting him with the Scorch Shot, a variation of the normal Flare Gun)
- BLU Scout: AGH!
- (Pyro blocks the barn doors with his fireman's axe, then burns it down with the Medic inside.)
- BLU Medic: No! AGGGGH!!!
- BLU Demoman: I'm burning!
- (A BLU Scout runs away.)
- (An injured BLU Sniper crawls towards the RED Pyro, making the mistake of grabbing his leg.)
- BLU Sniper:Help!
- (The Pyro subsequently burns the Sniper.)
- BLU Sniper: GAAAAH!!!
- (-Team Fortress closing theme music-)
- (RED Pyro walks away from the burning field, now filled with BLU Team's corpses.)
In-game commands and responses
- Oh, they're gonna 'ave to glue you back together ... in Hell!
- "(slurring)" G-gonna blow your ass on the grass and I'm the grass...man...punk...
- They're gonna hafta' bury whats left of ye in a soup can!
- –and that's what you get for touching that.
- Oh, they're gonna find ya all dead in the alley with cats licking at ya!
- (defending) Next time you'll bloody ask before you stand on my point.
- (defending) Stand on the bloody point, ya half-wit!
- (defending) Stand on the point ya git!
- (capturing point) Now it's our flippin' point!
- (slurring; winning a match) Iluvevery, single… one of ye… not you.
- (winning a match) Imagine if I hadn't been drunk.
- (slurring; winning a match) If I wasn't the man I was, I'd kiss ya.
- (slurring; losing a match) I'm drunk - you don't have an excuse!
- (losing a match) I feel like every bone in me body's broke!
- (slurring; losing a match) Ooooh, I've realllly hit rock bottom!
- (losing a match) I did what I could!
- (slurring; losing a match) Thankfully, I already don't remember this.
- (repeated line) Bloody hell!
- (losing a match) Buck up, lads! We'll got them next time.
- (losing a match) I almost joined their bloody team!
- (losing a match) We are a sorry bunch of losers!
- (slurring; dominating) Just got two tickets to the gun show and I'm not giving 'em to ye. I'm goin' with your tickets- hahaha (snores) wh-wha?
- How's that feel, ya blockhead?
- Don't fret boyo, I'll be gentle!
- Oh, I'm gonna beat you so hard, you'll have a twitch.
- All ya dandies, prancin' about with your heads full of eyeballs!
- I'm gonna blast ya into thin gruel.
- Not one of ya's gonna survive this!
- In your language: Eat lead, laddies!
- You appear to 'ave trodden on a mine!
- Oh, I'm goin' to liquefy ya...
- (Dominating a Medic) DOMINATED! And I've been Shagging ya Wife! HAHA!
- (Dominating a Sniper) I hate you bloody campers! Everybody bloody hates you!
- You ladies shoulda' oughta' brought some menfolk with ya.
- I built that.
- Cream gravy!
- (sentry gun kill) Another satisfied customer!
- (sentry gun kill) I told ya don't touch that darn thing.
- (sentry gun kill) How'd that plan turn out for ya, dummy?
- (upon retaliating with revenge weapon when his sentry is destroyed) Start prayin', boy!
- Take it like a man, son/shorty.
- I'm gonna beat you like a rented mule, boy.
- Spy sappin' my sentry!
- Erectin' a dispenser!
- Teleporter goin' up!
- Sentry down!
- Dispenser down!
- Teleporter down!
- There's a spy creepin' around here!
- Hey boys, there's a spy!
- Hoo wee, would ya look at that?
- Hoo wee, makin' bacon!
- C'mere, sissy!
- I"M GONNA LAY YOU OUT!
- Son, I'm gonna blow that dumb look right off your stupid face.
- Dag-nabbit damn it!
- Dammit fellas...
- Good night, Irene!
- "(When dominating an enemy Medic)" I'm a killer a' men, doc, and that's a god-honest truth.
- (when defending a control point) Plant yourself on the point, mister!
- Now I've seen everything...
- I'm moving this.
- (when other players are in the way of transporting a building) Heavy load comin' through!
- (when having killed a player with the unlockable mini-sentry gun) Some times you just need a little less gun.
- (when having killed a player with the unlockable mini-sentry gun) Ain't that a cute lil' gun?
- (when having killed another player using the manual control) This thing ain't on auto-pilot, son!
- (when having killed a player with the Golden Wrench, turning the enemy into a statue) Erectin' a statue of a moron!
- (when having killed a player with the Golden Wrench, turning the enemy into a statue) That there's a gold plated kill!
- (when having killed a player with the Golden Wrench, turning the enemy into a statue) Least you ain't worthless any more.
- Who touched my gun?!
- Entire team is babies!
- Cry some more!
- Keep crying, baby!
- I'm coming for you!
- I was told we would be fighting men!
- All of you are dead!
- You! Yes, you! You are dead!
- Which one of you is crying?
- До свидания! (Dah svidaniya! / Goodbye!)
- I love this doctor!
- You're great, doctor!
- Thank you doctor!
- What sick man sends babies to fight me?
- Let us fight man versus tiny baby man!
- Go, go, давай! (Go, go, davai! / Go, go, come on!)
- (re:Engineer) I hear someone building diaper changing station!
- (successfully capturing enemy intel) It was long trip.
- (successfully capturing enemy intel) I killed many cowards to get this!
- (successfully capturing enemy intel) Eh, not usually my job, but...
- (moving towards payload) We must push little cart!
- (advancing payload) Forward, glorious cart!
- (if ones pushing payload is killed) No! Cart has stopped moving!
- (if cart begins to roll back) Cart is moving the wrong way!
- (if cart is left unattended) Bomb cart will not push self.
- (Übercharged) I AM BULLETPROOF!*
- (Übercharged) Get behind me, doctor!
- (Übercharged) HIDE, COWARDS!
- (Übercharged) Now, it's good time to run cowards!
- (Übercharged) Now, it's my killing time!
- (found Spy) I spy with my little eye!
- (after eating Sandvich) Don't run! It's just ham!
- (after eating Sandvich) What was that, Sandvich? "Kill them all"? Good idea! Hahahaha!
- (after eating Sandvich) Bologna is perfect fuel for killing tiny cowards!
- (after eating Sandvich, in singing tone) Sandvich and me going to beat your ass!
- (after eating Sandvich) You're a loose cannon, sandvich! But you are a damn good cop!
- (after eating Sandvich) Ah, so filling! Hahahahaha!
- (after eating Sandvich) That was delicious!
- (after eating Sandvich) Moist and delicious!
- (when eating Sandvich) Nom nom nom, om nom. (Chewing sounds)
- (after teleporting) Engineer is credit to team!
- You are so small! It's funny to me!
- I am angry!
- Robots, I will break you!!!
- (laughter) Bring me robots to fight.
- (wearing Grand Duchess) Tell Heavy he is prettiest princess. Now!!
- (dominating) I am going to kill you, and kill you, and kill you.
- (dominating) I have plan for you: more pain!
- (dominating) Killing you is full-time job now.
- (dominating) The burning you feel? It is shame!
- (dominating) I'm coming for you, again!
- (dominating) You are dead! Not big surprise!
- Did ze Fräuleins have zheir Mittelschmerz? (period)(normally it's called "Tage" or just Period in Germany)
- All I can tell you about zis next procedure is zat it vill be excruciating!
- Eins, zwei, drei... Ugh, I do not think ve brought enough body bags.
- Hello, Fräuleins!
- Ze healing is not as rewarding as ze hurting!
- Ze healing leaves little time for ze hurting!
- Oops! Zat vas not medicine!
- I healed ze man who vill kill you!
- Vould you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!
- Raus! Raus! (Out! Out!)
- Can you feel ze Schadenfreude?
- Zat vasn't very good sanitation.
- Another successful procedure.
- Ve did it, comrade!
- Did zat sting? Sorry!
- Zat vas Doctor Assisted Homicide!
- (defending) I am ze Übermensch!
- (capturing) Standing near ze point does nothing! Get on ze point, dummkopf!
- (capturing) Idiot! Get on ze point!
- Danke, Dummkopfs!
- (set on fire) Fire! Fire!
- (set on fire) I'm melting!
- (set on fire) Everyone! I am on fire!
- (Übercharge meter full) I am fully charged!
- Hold still, Schweinhunds. Zis vill only sting for a moment!
- You are trying my patience!
- Ha ha! Vat a bloodbasz!
- Auf Wiedersehen, Dummkopfs!
- (defending) Get on ze point, dummkopf!
- Turn your head and cough!
- I'm going to saw through your bones!
- Prepare for your examination.
- (After being healed by another medic) Thank you, herr doktor!
- (After going through a teleporter) Thank you, my hard-hatted friend!
TAUNT KILL : I'M GOING TO SAW THROUGH YOUR BONES!!!
Because of his gas mask, most of Pyro's dialogue is cryptic at best , unintelligible at worst. Somewhat recognizable quotes include "hello!" as a , maniacal laughter as a taunt, and a high-pitched sound followed by a low one.
- [playing his axe taunt] buuun,waanana!
- Ow dow how dow. (mockingly) (Possibly "I don't think so.")
- Mmph mphna mprh. (Possibly "Thanks for the help." or "Thanks very much.")
- Mmmh,mmh! (Possibly "Fire! Fire!")
- Mhnk nhya mgh mhph. (Possibly "Thank you, doc.")
- Hurrururururu!(Possibly "This point is ours!")
- Mrfer!(Possibly "Victory!")
- Mmphn frphha herrpha.(Possibly "Thanks for the teleport." or "Thanks for the teleporter.")
- Mrr hurrdurr hm hurr! Possible Translation: That person's a spy! Note: the line is the same even if you are targeting a player
- Hudda hudda huh!(Possible Translation: Activate the charge!)
- Phudda dipenza heah!(Possibly "Put a dispenser here!")
- Phudda teddapudda heah!(Possibly "Put a teleporter here!")
- Pudda sfenty heah!(Possibly "Put a sentry here!")
- (Capturing Point) Am I gonna have to capture this thing all by myself?
- (Taunt) All Right! I feel good!
- (Taunt) I'm not even winded!
- (Taunt) Hey, is somebody keeping track of my heads batted in? BONK!
- Need a dispenser here!
- Say goodbye to your kneecaps, chucklehead.
- If you order now, I'll throw in a second beatin' absolutely free.
- I'm running circles around you!
- Why don't you come over here and say that to my face, tough guy! Bonk!
- Major league!
- This is a real freaking embarassment...
- (Upon a revenge kill) Boom! I'm back, dummy!
- Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brother, I hurt people.
- (Calling for Medic) Doc, come on man!
- Boom, headshot.
- Let's see how much blood's in ya!
- You best keep lyin' down...
- No worries!
- Bloody beaut!
- That funeral ain't gonna be open casket.
- That's some shonky business right there!
- Thanks fer standin' still, wankah!
- Standin' around like a bloody idiot!
- Now this is a nice weapon...
- Simple, simple, one for me.
- This is gonna be a real piece of piss, you bloody fruit shop owners.
- Everything above your neck's gonna be a fine red mist.
- Wave goodbye to your head, wankah!
- (when throwing Jarate) Bombs away!
- (when throwing Jarate) Jarate!
- God save the Queen!
- Spies, bloody useless!
- You got blood on my knife, mate.
- (after delivering headshot) Psssst! He he.
- Shoulda saved a bullet for some of you blokes!
- You'll be needin' another use for that neck!
- I've slept in the corpse of a water buffalo tougher than you!
- All your heads look bloody twelve feet tall!
- You better hold onto your head, mate!
- I'm gonna turn ya into colored rain!
- That helmet's gonna make a nice bowl for your brains!
- Keep yubbin' that big mouth, while it's still attached to your bloody neck.
- (Dominating enemy Sniper) The bullets come out of the slim end, mate!
- (Dominating enemy Soldier) All rockets, no brains, eh mate?
- (Dominating enemy Soldier) At ease! Hahaha!
- (Dominating enemy Soldier) I owned ya, ya pickle-headed drongo!
- (Dominating enemy Soldier) Take that, ya rocket-hoppin' simpleton!
- (Dominating enemy Soldier) Ah, lend us ya shovel, so I can dig ya grave!
- (Dominating enemy Soldier) Dominated, ya ploddin' potata-head!
- (Dominating enemy Heavy) I just bagged the world's fattest man!
- (Revenge) There was you, very full of yourself. Then, very briefly surprised. Then, dead.
- (Dominating)(Sarcastic) Oh my god, you've been shot. Did you get a look at the handsome rogue who did it?
- (Revenge to a Soldier) Here's a touching story. Once upon a time you died and I lived happily ever after. The end.
- (Dominating a Demoman) (Sarcastic) Ace reflexes, you bomb chuckin' waste of good scotch!
- (Dominating a Demoman) You've been killed by the best, cyclops!
- (Dominating a Demoman) Gotcha, you bomb-lobbin wankah!
- (Dominating an Engineer) Here's a gadget you should build: One that stops my bullets!
TAUNT KILL: STAB STAB STAB...
- Give 'em hell, boys!
- The worm has turned, gentlemen!
- I am going to strangle you with your own frilly training bra!
- This is my world, you are not welcome in my world!
- Every one of you deserves a medal!
- Each of every one of you has failed.
- Are you all trying for a Section 8?
- Which of you numbnuts let us down?
- You have dishonored this entire unit.
- You are the sorriest excuses for soldiers I have ever seen!
- Pain is weakness leaving the body!
- Down and give me twenty!
- Get with the program!
- If I have to crack some skulls, I will!
- (losing a match) That was an amazing killing spree... by the other team!
- You are all dishonorably discharged.
- Screamin' eagles!
- The last word out of your sorry mouth will be "Sir!," and it will be loud!
- You are scum! You are nothing but a bunch of cowards!
- You are a spineless worm! You are a mistake of nature! You are walking vomit!
- You are a maggot hatched from a mutant maggot egg!
- You sissified maggot scum have just signed your death warrants!
- I am going to claw my way down your throat and tear out your very soul!
- Take your lumps like a man, Private Twinkletoes!
- Each and every one of you will be sent off to your mama in a box!
- I joined this team just to kill maggots like you!
- You are all weak! You are all bleeders!
- (Match starting) Last one alive, lock the door!
- (to Medic) You deserve a medal, doc.
- (successfully capturing enemy intel) I have rescued my Intelligence.
- (alight from a pyro attack) I... am... on... Fi-are!
- (Pushing enemy back) We have you surrounded, at least from this side!
- (On a killing spree) I'm-a execute each and every last one of you!
- (On a killing spree) I'll be sure to inform your next of kin.
- (Capturing a point) Help me commandeer my point!
- (Just defended CP from being captured) Stand! On! The! Point! Numbnuts!
- (Before throwing a grenade into the air to hurt himself and others) C'mere, cupcake!
- (Dominating an enemy) If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!
- (Dominating enemy Sniper) This is not a camping trip, Sheila. This is war- AND I LOVE IT!
- (Dominating enemy Sniper) You just got dominated, Bilbo Baggins! (Also: Basbo Bibbins, Barbel Bapkins, Bablo Brabbins, Balbo Biggins, Bulbo Buttons)
- (Dominating enemy Sniper) Your country did not prepare you for the level of violence you will meet on my battlefield!
- (Dominating enemy Sniper) Aww, am I too violent for you, cupcake?
- (Dominating enemy Sniper) The next time you want to kill a man, look him in the eyes!
- (Dominating enemy Sniper) You are a coward, and you've DIED like one!
- (Dominating enemy Sniper) I will send my condolences to your kangaroo wife.
- (Dominating enemy Sniper) Now hear this, camper: you are not WANTED on my beloved battlefield!
- (Dominating enemy Sniper) You will NOT turn my battlefield into a camp ground!
- (Dominating enemy Spy) Words cannot express how much I HATE France right now!
- (Dominating enemy Pyro) You cannot burn me, I'm already ablaze with passion, for war!
- Gentlemen/ Mentlegen..
- I never really was on your side.
- They should call you whiners Dr. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- Promise not to bleed on my suit, and I'll kill you quickly.
- (capturing control point) Our influence grows!
- (destroying Engineer's machines) I murdered your toys as well!
- (set on fire) I appear to have burst into flames.
- (set on fire) I do believe I'm on fire.
- (reporting enemy spy) It seems I am not the only spy.
- (upon dominating scout) Here lies Scout. He ran fast, and died a virgin.
- After you.
- Shall we?
- I'll be seeing you!
- This will be the last time you see me.
- Jarate?! Noooooooooooooo!
- Just lay your weapons down and walk away.
- I'm going to gut you like a Cornish game hen.
- You got blood on my suit!
- Oh dear, I've made quite a mess.
- The outcome was never really in doubt.
- You are all incompetent cowards!
- Well, this was a disappointment.
- You know, hiding won't save you.
- Sorry to pop in unannounced.
- (imitating Engineer) Why don't we just give up, pardner?
- (imitating Engineer) Everyone back to base, pardner.
- May I make a suggestion? Run.
- (teleported, to Engineer) Thank you, laborer!
- (dominating a Scout) May I borrow your earpiece? (mimicking Scout) This is Scout! Rainbows make me cry! Over!
- (dominating enemy Scout) Well, off to visit your mother!
- (dominating enemy Scout) Here lies Scout. He ran fast, and died a virgin!
- (dominating a Soldier) At least you died for honor, and my amusement.
- (dominating enemy Demoman) Don't feel bad, you did a fine job throwing your little balls around!
- (dominating enemy Demoman) Kaboom indeed, you drunken wretch!
- (dominating enemy Demoman) The black Scottish cyclops, now extinct!
- (dominating enemy Demoman) I merely finished what your liver started!
- (dominating enemy Heavy) You died as you lived, morbidly obese!
- (dominating enemy Sniper) You disgust me, filthy jar-man!
- (upon having Jarate thrown at him) I have been shown who is the boss!
- (upon having Jarate thrown at him) Jarate?!
- (upon having Jarate thrown at him) I HATE you!
- (upon having Jarate thrown at him) Is this...? MON DIEU!
- I'm coming for you!
- I think not.
- But of course.
- Top shelf!
- What a disaster!
- Does it hurt when I do that? It does, doesn't it?!
- With my apologies!
- (Mockingly and upon killing a Medic) MEDIC, MEDIC, MEDIC! Ahahaha!
- (dominating enemy Heavy) What's the matter? Fat got your tongue? HAHAHAHAHAHA!
- (dominating enemy Heavy) Oh, fat man, please! This is getting awkward.
- Oh, Merde.
- (dominating enemy Medic) I'm looking at your x-rays and it seems you suck!
- (arena match lost) You didn't kill any of them!
- (payload cart nearing final point) The cart has almost reached the final terminus! (sometimes followed by a maniacal laugh)
- Attention! Five minutes left in the mission, five minutes left in the mission!
- (When server glitches upon Overtime on a KOTH map, often called Overspam) Overtime! Overtime! Overtime! Overtime! Overtime! Overtime! Overtime!
- You've failed!
- You've failed. Prepare for sudden death!
- You've failed. Stalemate.
- (arena match starting after a loss) This time, try killing one of them!
- (arena match starting after a loss) Don't fail me again!
- (repeated line) Alert! The enemy has taken our intelligence!
- We have taken the enemy intelligence.
- We have dropped the enemy intelligence!
- You've failed. The enemy has captured our intelligence.
- You've failed. The enemy has secured our intelligence.
- The enemy has dropped our intelligence.
- Success! We have secured the enemy intelligence.
- Time has been added.
- Alert! Our control point is being captured.
- Alert! The control point is being contested!
- Alert! The control point is being captured!
- (said very quickly) Alert! Our last control point is being captured!
- (Said Very Quickly) Alert! The final control point is being contested!
- Attention! Two minutes left in the mission, two minutes left in the mission!
- You must protect Mann Co.
- Protect Mann. Co at all costs. (mvm theme tune starts playing)
- (repeated line) Only one Spy-bot remains!
- (if all human spies are killed as a robot) You have killed all the Spies.
- The tank is almost to the hatch! Stop it!
- (to the defenders if the robots are almost to the bomb hatch in MVM) Alert. Do NOT let the bomb get to the hatch!
- (to the defenders if all of the Spy-bots are killed) All Spy-bots destroyed.
- (tank enters the map) Alert! A tank has entered the area!
- (tank enters the map) A tank! Kill it! Kill it with Fire!
- (if two or more tanks spawn) Multiple tanks. Stop them!
- (after the defenders destroy the tank) *laughter* You did it. You did it!
- (to the defenders after they're all killed) How could you all die at once!?
- (game over in MVM) You lost! You lost it all! We are doomed!!
- (multiple tanks on the field) Alert. There are multiple tanks!
- (if a tank spawns upon the last one's destruction) Alert! Another tank has entered the area!
- (sentry buster spawns) Alert! A sentry buster has entered the area!
Merasmus the Magician
- And now, we spin the WHEEL!
- (upon entering the map) I have COME!
- Everything's coming up Merasmus!
- (tiny head fate is chosen on the wheel) Like your tiny heads? Thank magic!
- (ÜberCharge fate chosen) ÜBERCHARGE!!
- Poop! Poop in your pumpkin pants!
- (upon selecting the Dance-Off fate) And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to spas-mus, in which no mere mortal can resist. The magic of... Merasmus!
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