Last modified on 2 November 2012, at 18:42

Stargate Atlantis

Stargate Atlantis is a science-fiction TV series that premiered on the US Sci Fi Channel on July 16, 2004.

Season 1Edit

Rising, Part I [1.01]Edit

Gen. O'Neill: This isn't a long flight, so I'll be as succinct as possible.
[There is a beat...Sheppard looks sideways at O'Neill]
Maj. Sheppard: That's pretty succinct.
Gen. O'Neill: Thank you.

Gen. O'Neill: Let me ask you something. [realizes that Sheppard has put on his headset, and therefore cannot hear him; he does the same] Why'd you become a pilot?
Maj. Sheppard: I think people who don't want to fly are crazy.
Gen. O'Neill: Well, I think people who don't want to go through the Stargate are equally as whacked. If you can't give me a yes before we reach McMurdo, I don't even want you.

Dr. McKay: ...And we'll need the Zed-P-M.
Gen. O'Neill: What?
Dr. Jackson: The ZPM. He's...he's Canadian.
Gen. O'Neill:(at McKay) I'm sorry.
Dr. McKay: The Zero Point Module, General. The ancient power source you recovered from Proclarush Taonas and that's now powering the outpost defenses. I've since determined it generates its enormous power from vacuum energy derived from a self-contained region of subspace time.
Gen. O'Neill: That was a waste of a perfectly good explanation.

[John confronts Carson about the weapon that nearly shot him and Jack O'Neill out of the sky on their way to the Antarctic outpost]
Maj. John Sheppard: What the heck was that thing anyway?
Dr. Carson Beckett: You mean the drone? The weapon the Ancients built to defend this outpost.
Maj. Sheppard: [clueless] The who?
Dr. Beckett: [glaring at John suspiciously] You do have security clearance to be down here?
Maj. Sheppard: Yeah, General O'Neill just gave it to me.
Dr. Beckett: So you don't even know about the Stargate?
Maj. Sheppard: [confused] The what?

[After Simon has watched a video diary that Weir had sent to him, explaining the whole thing to him, including that she is in another galaxy]
Simon: [picks up the phone and dials a number]
Recorded Voice: The number you have dialed is out of currently outside of the coverage area-
Simon: [hangs up] No kidding.

[O'Neill and Jackson watch the Atlantis team depart]
Dr. Jackson: Jack, it's not too late for me to—
Gen. O'Neill: No.
Dr. Jackson: I-I-I could just grab my—
Gen. O'Neill: No.
Dr. Jackson: [quietly] —kay...

[McKay has begun dialing an address]
Dr. McKay: Chevron one encoded.
Dr. Weir: Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Hmm? [realizes] Fine. [dials the rest of the address]

Halling: [points to self] Halling.
Maj. Sheppard: I don't know what that means.
Col. Sumner: It's his name.

Teyla: We do not trade with strangers.
Col. Sumner: Is that a fact?
Maj. Sheppard: Well, we'll just have to get to know each other a little better. I like Ferris wheels, college football, and anything that goes more than 200 miles an hour.
Lt. Ford: Sir, that's not going to mean anything to them.
Maj. Sheppard: I'm just trying to break the ice here, feel free to jump in at any time.

[The Atlantis team has just finished coming through the Stargate, and Dr. Weir has reported the establishment of Atlantis base to the SGC. Just before the gate shuts down, a bottle comes rolling through]
[Weir picks up the bottle, which is a magnum of Dom Perignon. There is a note attached, which reads "Bon Voyage! -Gen. Jack O'Neill"]

Rising, Part 2 [1.02]Edit

Boy: [To Maj. Sheppard] What planet do you came from? Can we go there?.
Maj. Sheppard: I'm afraid not. We come from a galaxy far, far away.

Jinto: [To Dr. Weir] I am Jinto.
Maj. Sheppard: She's pleased to meet you.

Dr. McKay: The last Zero Point Module is depleted, but limited power. Turned out that our generators aren't going to hold back an ocean. Life support systems are working but the planet's atmosphere's breathable -- well, notwithstanding the inevitable allergens.
Dr. Weir: So now can our naqahdah generators supply enough power to the shield for defensive purposes?
Dr. McKay: Not even close.
Maj. Sheppard: On the surface without a shield? We're target practice.
Dr. McKay: I'm acutely aware of that, Major, but thank you for reinforcing it.

Lt. Ford: Gateship One, ready to go.
Maj. Sheppard: Gateship One? A little Puddle Jumper like this?
Lt. Ford: It's a ship, it goes through a gate. Gateship One!
Maj. Sheppard: Oh, no, no, no, that's all wrong.
Lt. Ford: Dr. McKay thought it was cool.
Maj. Sheppard: Oh, okay, well, it's official... You don't get to name anything. Ever. [into radio] Flight, this is... Puddle Jumper!
Dr. McKay: This is Flight, I thought we were going with Gateship? [Weir gives him a stern, questioning look]
Maj. Sheppard: Negative, Flight.
Dr. McKay: Stand by. [to Weir] It's a ship, it goes through the gate. I thought... Fine. Puddle Jumper, you are clear to go.
Maj. Sheppard: Roger that. Dial it up, lieutenant.

[In the puddle jumper, a heads-up display appears out of nowhere.]
Lt. Ford: Did you do that?
Maj. Sheppard: I-I was just wondering where we go from here.
Lt. Ford: I'll take that as a yes. So how do we find them once we land?
Maj. Sheppard: Well, I've been thinking about that, too.
[A nearby compartment opens up and dispenses a life signs detector. Sheppard tucks it into his vest.]
Maj. Sheppard: Now I'm thinking about a nice turkey sandwich.
[Ford and Sheppard look around expectantly. Nothing happens. Ford shrugs.]
Lt. Ford: Worth a try.

Lt. Ford: [Smiling] So, we got ourselves a life-signs detector.
Maj. Sheppard: [looks aggravated] We can name it later.

Col. Sumner: Go to hell.
Queen Wraith: Earth first!

[Sheppard shoots Wraith in the hand, but they capture him]
Maj. Sheppard: How's the hand?
Wraith: [Hand heals] Much better.
Maj. Sheppard: Sorry to hear that.

[After they have arrived home on Atlantis]
Maj. Sheppard: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Atlantis. Please remain seated until the Puddle-Jumper has come to a full and complete stop.

[about John and Teyla's exchange]
Dr. Beckett: [wistfully] How come I never make friends like that?
Dr. McKay: You really need to get out more.
Dr. Beckett: We're in another galaxy. How much more out can you get?

Dr. McKay: [suddenly looking suspiciously at his kebab] Is there lemon in this?! [He hurries off to find out]

[After Weir reminds Sheppard of his status as Atlantis' military leader]
John Sheppard: You do realize that could get us into all sorts of trouble, right?

Hide and Seek [1.03]Edit

[Beckett is explaining that his innoculation uses a mouse retrovirus]
Dr. McKay: Well, are there any side-effects?
Dr. Beckett: Dry mouth, headache, the irresistible urge to run on a small wheel...

[Weir interrupts McKay and Sheppard "testing" an Ancient shield]
Dr. Weir: I'm still trying to understand how you thought it was a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.
Dr. McKay: Oh, believe me, that's not the first thing we tried.
Maj. Sheppard: [proudly] I shot him. [Dr. Weir gives him a stern look] In the leg!
Dr. McKay: I'm invulnerable!
Dr. Weir: Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?
Dr. McKay: [sing-song] IN - VUL - NER - ABLE!
Dr. Weir: Ok, take it off
Dr. McKay: Oh, you're just jealous.
Dr. Weir: Oh yes. Green with envy.

Dr. Weir: I wouldn't have thought you believed in ghosts.
Dr. McKay: I never used to, then I learned about things called Wraiths that can suck the life out of you with their hands. [raises hand, gestures demonstratively] What the hell is that?

Dr. Beckett: He fainted.
Dr. McKay: Oh, there's got to be a better word.
Dr. Beckett: "Faint" is the proper medical term.
Dr. McKay: [defensively] I passed out from... manly hunger.
Maj. Sheppard: Well, hang in there. [over radio] Dr. Weir, this is Sheppard. McKay's okay. [smirks] He, uh, he fainted.
[Beckett grins]
Dr. McKay: Oh yeah, that's very sympathetic. Let's all mock the dying man!

[about the transporter]
Maj. Sheppard: Apparently it's also an elevator.
Dr. McKay: Really?
Dr. Weir: We can stop taking the stairs everywhere.
Dr. McKay: [sarcastically] Oh, how nice for you all.

[about the entity]
Maj. Sheppard: It's coming. I think we're gonna need a bigger boat.
Dr. McKay: Size doesn't matter.
Maj. Sheppard: That's a myth.
Dr. McKay: It'll fit. It traps the entity in subspace. You just just have to make sure it gets all the way in the containment vessel before you shut it off.

38 Minutes [1.04]Edit

Lt. Ford: Why'd you close the door?
Dr. McKay: So that when the Stargate shuts down and the forward section is severed, we're not directly exposed to space.
Lt. Ford: Will it hold?
Dr. McKay: Like a screen door on a submarine. I just prefer hypoxia to explosive decompression. It's a personal thing.

[about the Jumper]
Dr. Weir: Is there anything I can do to help?
Dr. Zelenka: Stop talking, please.

Dr. McKay:Oh, I apologize for being the only person who truly comprehends how screwed we are!
Maj. Sheppard: Don't talk to me about screwed! And let's not give up on Markham and Stackhouse either. There's plenty of time to solve this thing, but you've got to stop using your mouth and start using your brain!
Dr. McKay: I'm sorry. It's just, um, I react to certain doom a certain way.

Dr. Kavanagh: I happily left the SGC. because I had had it up to here with the military running things; and you just busted me like a private.
Dr. Weir: Don't be so dramatic. Besides, the Air Force doesn't have privates.
Dr. Kavanagh: Neither do I. You just cut them off. Right in front of my research team.
Dr. Weir: That's what this is about? You're embarrassed?
Dr. Kavanagh: Well, humiliated would be a little more accurate.
Dr. Weir: I haven't worked up to humiliation yet.

Suspicion [1.05]Edit

[Rodney has one foot on the conference room table and is massaging it through his sock]
Maj. Sheppard: [Looking on in distaste] Could you please not do that here?
Dr. McKay: My foot is still numb, if you'll excuse me.
Maj. Sheppard: Well at least your mouth still works fine.

Dr. McKay: How could I possibly know that? What am I, Answer Man?

Dr. McKay: There's a command subroutine I've never seen before.
Dr. Zelenka: What is its function?
Dr. McKay: [exasperated] I don't know, because I've never seen it before!

"Steve" the Wraith: When I am free, you will be the first that I feed upon.
Maj. Sheppard: [casually] Okie dokie. I'm gonna go make myself a sandwich.

Childhood's End [1.06]Edit

[the sensors have discovered a powerful energy field]
Maj. Sheppard: You think it's worth checking out?
Dr. McKay: Any significant energy emission generally indicates technological civilization.
Maj. Sheppard: So... you think it's worth checking out?
Dr. McKay: [sarcastically] I'm sorry. Yes. Energy field good.
[the ship begins to shake violently]
Dr. McKay: [seriously] Okay, maybe not.

Dr. McKay: What are we going to tell them, Teyla? "Listen, kiddies, everything you believe is wrong, and trust us because we've been here for-" [checks watch] "-almost an hour!"

Dr. McKay: Let's play a quiet game. Let's see who can be quiet the longest.
Casta: I'm not a quiet person.
Dr. McKay: That's not quiet. That's talking.
Casta: Well, I'm not a quiet person. I talk a lot.

Casta: You're mean!
Dr. McKay: Thank you for finally noticing. [gets mad and starts to shake Casta] Oh, you wanna go? You wanna go do you?!
Ford: Okay [picks up Casta] You have a real gift with the kids. You do birthday parties?

Dr. Weir: Rodney! We can't just visit planets, take away their defenses, uproot their cultures and bring ‘em all back here to Atlantis!
Dr. McKay: If they have a ZPM, yes we can.
Dr. Weir: Oh my God! How morally superior you must feel!

Poisoning the Well [1.07]Edit

Dr. McKay: No, no, no, no, he just doesn't like going through the Stargate.
Maj. Sheppard: He's worse than Dr. McCoy.
Teyla: Who?
Maj. Sheppard: The TV character that Dr. Beckett plays in real life.

Maj. Sheppard: You know we've been having these conversations for a couple of weeks now and I don't even know your name. You guys do have names right? Let me guess....Steve?
Steve the Wraith: I am your death. That is all you need to know.
Maj. Sheppard: I prefer Steve

Dr. McKay: C'mon, how often do you get to travel to an alien planet?
Dr. Beckett: I was already on an alien planet!

Dr. Weir: You do understand the Geneva Convention prohibits using prisoners for scientific experiments?
Maj. Sheppard: No offense, doc, but had the Wraith attended the Geneva Convention, they would have tried to feed on everyone there.

[ "Steve" the Wraith is on the jumper on his way to Hoff. He is smiling.]
Lt. Ford: [to Steve] Hey man, this isn't supposed to be fun.

Dr. Beckett: "Victory at all costs." That sound familiar, Major?
Maj. Sheppard: Churchill.
Dr. Beckett: Aye. Never thought I'd disagree.

Underground [1.08]Edit

Dr. McKay: You know, if people could just learn to keep their secret underground bunkers locked…

Maj. Sheppard: Look, what you people do with your C4 is none of our business. We just need food. As far as your little secret down here goes…well, uh…
Dr. McKay: We say, "What giant underground bunker?"

Dr. McKay: You do realise that long term exposure to these levels of radiation is extremely dangerous?
Cowen: Our scientists tell me otherwise.
Dr. McKay: Well, they're wrong.
Maj. Sheppard: [nervously] Are we in danger now?
Dr. McKay: Oh, it would take days or weeks at these levels of radiation -- but I assume the Genii spend days or weeks down here?
Cowen: Many of our people have spent their entire lives here.
Dr. McKay: Their entire short lives. [To John] We'll be fine - just as long as you weren't planning on having children.

Maj. Sheppard: You can build an A-bomb?
Dr. McKay: Major, most of my highschool chess team could design an A-bomb.

Dr. McKay: I built an atomic bomb for my grade six Science Fair exhibit.
Lt. Ford: They let you do that up in Canada?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, then I was questioned by the CIA for six hours.

Maj. Sheppard: But we have something they need and they have something we need, and I thought that's what negotiating was all about.
Dr. Weir: Oh, well, it is. Personally, I stop short of offering nuclear weapons.
Lt. Ford: They were building 'em anyways.
Dr. Weir: Oh, well if they were building them anyway, why didn't you just say so. You do realise that I originally sent you out for food?
Maj. Sheppard: I think we can still get that.
Lt Ford: I don't see why not.

Home [1.09]Edit

Lt. Ford: I've never seen so much nothing.
Maj. Sheppard: And I've never walked so far to see it.

Maj. Sheppard: How much power are we talking about here?
Dr. McKay: In terms of joules or ergs?
Maj. Sheppard: In terms of lots.
Dr. McKay: Well, lots and lots. Enough to dial back to Earth.

[Sheppard has figured out that his welcome-home party is just a figment of his imagination]
Maj. Sheppard: You guys have been dead for years. Now, don't get me wrong, it's really nice seeing you. [points to a middle-aged woman] You too, Miss Watson.
Lt. Ford: Sir—
Maj. Sheppard: [to Ford] She was my sixth grade teacher. [points to a young blonde] And I don't even remember your name, but I remember you wouldn't even date me!

Dr. McKay: It's like looking through a microscope at a cell culture and seeing a thousand dancing hamsters. It's impossible!
Dr. Weir: Rodney, you need to calm down.
Dr. McKay: No, no, what I need to do now is get very agitated because what I'm realizing is all this is a lie!

Dr. McKay: So none of this is real? [Truth dawns] The cute brunette, of course! I should have known! How do you go from, "You're a pig, but I like your cat," to "I missed you"?

Maj. Sheppard: The dead people were a dead giveaway.
Dr. McKay: Dead people? What were you doing?!

The Storm [1.10]Edit

Lt. Ford: How could something as big as Atlantis just sink?
Maj. Sheppard: I'm sure the passengers on the Titanic were asking themselves the same question.

[The science team is trying to come up with a solution to a problem while being very short on time]
Dr. McKay: You're right. If only we had a magical tool that could slow down time. I foolishly left mine on Earth - did you bring yours?
Dr. Zelenka: You know, you're not pleasant when you're like this, McKay.
Dr. McKay: I'm always like this.
Dr. Zelenka: My point exactly.

Dr. Weir: The city can handle that?
Dr. McKay: Yes. Theoretically.
Maj. Sheppard: Like "dinosaurs turned into birds" theoretically or "theory of relativity" theoretically?
Dr. McKay: [looks confused, since there is no "hierarchy" of theories] What? Um, somewhere between.

Maj. Sheppard: McKay will come up with something.
Dr. McKay: I will try, but despite what you all may think, I am not Superman.
[Sheppard looks around]
Maj. Sheppard: Was anyone seriously thinking that?
[Weir, Teyla and the other scientist shake their heads 'No']
Lt. Ford: No sir.
Dr. Zelenka: Never.

Maj. Sheppard: Wait a second, are these things even close to a transporter?
Dr. McKay: Uh... yes. Elizabeth's is.
Maj. Sheppard: And mine?
Dr. McKay: It's a brisk walk away.
Maj. Sheppard: And by "brisk" you mean "far"?
Dr. McKay: [nods] And by "walk" I mean "run".

Soldier: Bacon.
Other Soldier: The one thing you wish you brought with you is bacon.
Soldier: Hey, it's the food that makes other food worth eating
Other Soldier: You wish you brought bacon to another galaxy?

The Eye [1.11]Edit

Dr. Weir: Well, find another problem with it! I—tell him that the power-loop interface isn't jiving with your walkabout! Something!
Dr. McKay: [incredulous] "Isn't jiving?!"
Dr. Weir: Rodney, you get my point.

Commander Kolya: You said this would work.
Dr. McKay: I don't know if you noticed or not but I'm an extremely arrogant man who tends to think all of his plans will work! [Kolya punches him]

Dr. Beckett: The dots don't tell us much about who's who. How do we know which one's the Major?
Lt. Ford: He'll be the dot getting rid of all the other dots.

Lt. Ford: Anything I see moving is gonna get shot.
Dr. Beckett: [concerned] So what if it's the Major?
Lt. Ford: Then he'll get hit with a Wraith Stunner instead of a P-90.
Dr. Beckett: What if he sees us first?
Lt. Ford: He'll probably hear you first.
Dr. Beckett: Are you telling me to shut up again?
Lt. Ford: Again.

Dr. Weir: Nice work, Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Did you ever doubt me?
Dr. Weir: Yes. Several times.

The Defiant One [1.12]Edit

Maj. Sheppard: Try to fly this baby in a straight line.
Dr. McKay: I am flying in a straight line.
[HUD comes up, showing that the jumper is zig-zagging]
Maj. Sheppard: Not so much.
Dr. McKay: Well, in space, all motion is relative.

Maj. Sheppard: He's aboard my ship.
Dr. McKay: What are you, Captain Kirk?! What good's it gonna do him?
Maj. Sheppard: I don't know, maybe he can hot-wire the thing.

Maj. Sheppard: If we're going to play the waiting game, the guy who's been around for ten thousand years is gonna win!

Maj. Sheppard: You need me to get off this planet! I'm the only one that can fly that ship!
Wraith: I will use your dead hands to operate its controls!

Maj. Sheppard: [into radio] Hey, you. Over here. On the ground: the radio.
[The Wraith turns to spot the radio lying next to him on the ground]
Wraith: [speaking aloud] The days on this planet are long, but the nights are cold. Sooner or later, I will have you.
Maj. Sheppard: I can’t hear you threatening to suck the life out of me ‘til you hit the button on the radio.

Hot Zone [1.13]Edit

[After Aiden has managed to fail all his prime number guesses]
Dr. Zelenka: Lt. Ford, would you mind being the subject of research papers on statistical improbabilities?
Lt. Ford: Is this some sort of payback for guys like me beating up guys like you in high school?

[during combat training]
Teyla: You have not been practicing.
Maj. Sheppard: Yes I have.
Teyla: If this was really a fight -
Maj. Sheppard: If this was really a fight, I would have shot you by now.

Dr. Beckett: Just try to stay calm.
Lt. Ford: Calm?! You told me I have a million tiny robots running through my veins whose only purpose is to terrorize and kill me. You stay calm!

[Major Sheppard is on his way in a Puddle Jumper to drop a naquadah generator converted into a bomb]
Dr. McKay: You'll only have 30 seconds to release it before it explodes, you need to get as far away as you can.
Maj. Sheppard: Get as far away from the nuclear explosion as possible. That's good advice, Rodney. Thanks.

Sanctuary [1.14]Edit

[after Chaya delivers the message that Athar cannot help Atlantis]
Dr. McKay: Well, I think we both knew what you were going to say long before you even went in there.
Chaya: [unhappy] We prayed for Athar's guidance.
Dr. McKay: And what did Athar say? You're hiding behind your religion to justify your complete and utter selfishness.
Maj. Sheppard: Rodney -
Dr. McKay: If Athar existed she would be ashamed of herself.

Chaya: What my people value most is spiritual knowledge. What can your culture provide in that regard?
Dr. Weir: Earth's people don't share a single Spiritual belief - we embrace a number of different religions and philosophies: Christianity, Buddhism, Judaism, Islam -
Maj. Sheppard: Hinduism ... Kwanzaa.

Dr. McKay: All I know is she's not who she's pretending to be.
Dr. Weir: You know this because…?
Dr. McKay: What, I'm not allowed to have intuition?
Dr. Weir: You? No.
Dr. McKay: Oh.

Dr. McKay: Word of caution? The whole "Captain Kirk" routine is problematic to say the least, let alone morally dubious.
Maj. Sheppard: What routine?
Dr. McKay: The romancing of the alien priestess? It's very 1967 of you.

Before I Sleep [1.15]Edit

Dr. McKay: According to the database, she's been in there for ten thousand years.
Dr. Weir: Ten thousand years?!
Maj. Sheppard: Doesn't look a day over nine thousand.
[Beckett is told to rouse his (very) elderly patient]
Dr. Beckett: Ten thousand years… d'you expect her to dance a bloody jig?

Lt. Ford: Is time-travel possible?
Dr. McKay: Well, according to Einstein's General Theory of Relativity, there's nothing in the laws of physics to prevent it. Extremely difficult to achieve, mind you – you need the technology to manipulate black holes to create wormholes not only through points in space, but time.
Maj. Sheppard: Not to mention a really nice De Lorean.
Dr. McKay: Don't even get me started on that movie!
Maj. Sheppard: I liked that movie!

Dr. McKay: The Puddle Jumper they escaped in must have been some sort of a time machine. It had to have an additional component built into it.
Maj. Sheppard: Flux capacitor!
Dr. McKay: ...Yeah.

Dr. McKay: I died?!
Alternate Weir: You never gave up trying, right until the end.
Dr. McKay: [shocked] Well, a man wonders how he would choose to go out, given such dire circumstances. Now I know.
Alternate Weir: Trying to save the lives of others.
Maj. Sheppard: [smug] But ultimately failing!

[upon learning that Alternate John died]
Dr. McKay: [smugly grinning] Ha! Ah, the bitter taste of ultimate failure, hmm?
Maj. Sheppard: Well, if you’d just figured out how to fix the damn shield in the first place, none of us would have died.
[Alternate Weir smiles at their bickering]
Dr. McKay: I did everything I could, including valiantly attempting to save your sorry-
Dr. Weir: Gentlemen, focus.

The Brotherhood [1.16]Edit

Technician: [drinking coffee] I don't know what happened, it just stopped working. I got some little functionality back, it's still isn't doing everything it used to.
Dr. Zelenka: Yes, well, maybe if people stop insisting on having food and liquid in such close proximity to the TEN THOUSAND YEAR OLD EQUIPMENT!
Technician: Hey! We're very careful! We're not the problem here!
Dr. Zelenka: [sarcastically] Ah, yes. Uh-huh!
[while Zelenka isn't looking, the technician touches the laptop, causing the Ancient screen to flash]
Dr. Zelenka: What did you touch?
Technician: Nothing! I didn't touch anything.
Dr. Zelenka: Ježiši, já s těma hercema nemůžu dělat! (meaning "Jesus, I can't work with these actors" in Czech)

Dr. McKay: Suddenly I feel so tired.
Allina: You're a scientist. Are you not used to this by now?
Dr. McKay: Ah, but my kind of science is the good kind of science. The kind you can do sitting on a chair or ... laying on a couch.

Allina: It's a layout of the Sudarian villages. The walls of this monastery have protected it for ten thousand years.
Dr. McKay: It's beautiful.
Allina: It is. [looks at him] And yet my eye is drawn elsewhere.
[Clueless and not getting the hint, Rodney looks around to see what she is referring to.]
Dr. McKay: Elsewhere?

Dr. McKay: [to John, Aiden and Teyla] I’m heading to bed.
Maj. Sheppard: Ah, which bed might that be?
Rodney: Huh, what?
Lt. Ford: Think Allina might have a little crush on you, Doc.
Dr. McKay: She does?
Teyla: It is very clear to us all.
Dr. McKay: It is?
Maj. Sheppard: To everyone but you, apparently.

Dr. Beckett: I can barely make it to the main land and back without crashing. For the last time, I'm a medical doctor, not a bloody fighter pilot!
[Reference to Star Trek 's Dr. McCoy and his line "I'm a doctor, not a..."]

Dr. McKay: Look, someone get me a knife. [Genii just stand there] You all have guns, someone get me a knife.

Letters from Pegasus [1.17]Edit

[Weir has just briefed Atlantis' scientists about the approaching Wraith fleet]
Dr. Weir: So, recommendations?
Dr. Beckett: Other than panic?
Dr. Weir: Other than panic, yes.

[Ford is recording video messages of each expedition member to send home]
Dr. Beckett: What shall I say?
Lt. Ford: Uh…uh…"I miss you"? "I wish you were here"?
Dr. Beckett: I wish who was here?
Lt. Ford: I don't know. Who do you wish was here?
Dr. Beckett: Nobody! I wish I wasn't bloody here!

[Zelenka gives, in Czech, a poetic description of the rising of Atlantis]
Lt. Ford: You didn't say anything that would require security clearance, did you?
Dr. Zelenka: Security clearance?

[Rodney's recording]
Dr. McKay: [adjusts hair] Right. And in five, four, three-
[he stops speaking and holds up two fingers to signify the “two” count, then folds his arms and looks serious.]
Dr. McKay: [dramatically] This is Doctor Rodney McKay speaking to you from my base of operations in the lost city of Atlantis, located deep within the Pegasus galaxy. I record this message on the eve of our darkest hour. As I speak, an alien armada of biblical proportions is on its way, bent - dare I say hellbent, in keeping with the metaphor – on our destruction. We will do our best to stave off their attack but I am afraid that defeat is all but inevitable. I, and the other members of my team, face the most horrific deaths imaginable, as our very lives are sucked from our chests in a, in a, horrific - Okay, uh, start again. Start again.

The Gift [1.18]Edit

Dr Beckett: I ran every test I could on all of you from the get-go. Physiologically, you and your people are the same as we are. I have no explanation for any of your special super-powers.
Teyla I only have one power.
Dr Beckett: I've seen you fight, my dear.

Maj. Sheppard You're saying Teyla is part Wraith?
Dr Beckett: A very small part.
Dr Weir: Which makes her about as different from us as you, because of the Ancient gene you possess.
Dr McKay: Well, and some other things.

Dr McKay: So you think this Wraith scientist was trying to make humans what, more tasty?
Dr Weir: The log seems to indicate that he was looking for a way to make the feeding process more efficient.
Dr McKay: But I thought you said they already had a number of genetic characteristics similar to humans.
Dr Beckett: They do. But they're still much closer to the bug creature that attacked Major Sheppard than to us.
Maj. Sheppard: Hey! I thought we weren't going to mention that anymore.

Dr Weir: Your theory of the Wraith evolving after the Ancients arrived in Pegasus galaxy -
Dr McKay: [in disbelief] Oh, you're kidding me!
Zelenka: Pay up.

Dr McKay: I got a little... [referring to energy spike]
Lt Ford: [jokingly] A little what? McKay! You got a little what? [Sheppard looks at Ford disapprovingly] What? Oh, it's okay when you guys make fun of me then, huh?

[Weir is explaining to Teyla is told that she can read Wraith minds]
Weir: You didn't know you COULD read Wraith minds...and frankly, who would want to?

[The Atlantis team is discussing staying and fighting the Wraith]
Dr Kavanaugh: We can't possibly consider staying and fighting!
Maj. Sheppard: I disagree! I think it's entirely within the realm of possibility.
Dr Kavanaugh: [as if speaking to a very young child] There are tens of thousands of life-sucking aliens in highly advanced spaceships on their way here to destroy us!

The Siege, Part 1 [1.19]Edit

[Zelenka is arguing that it should be him to go to the Ancient satellite, not McKay]
Dr. McKay: There's not going to be a problem.
Dr. Zelenka: You don't know that.
Dr. McKay: If it seems like we can't fix it, we'll just turn around and go back! Now, I realize I am invaluable everywhere-
Dr. Zelenka: [annoyed] You know what? Forget it. I take it back!
Dr. McKay: Sorry, nope. You can't take it back because you've just admitted that I'm smarter than you!
Dr. Zelenka: I admitted no such thing!
Dr. McKay: I know it's hard to say, but the truth shone through when you prepared to speak.
Dr. Zelenka: [through gritted teeth] You are a miserable little man.
Dr. McKay: Hey, hey, let's not ruin the moment.

Maj. Sheppard: You know that for a fact, Sergeant, or is your spidey sense just tingling?

[In the Ancient satellite]
Dr. Grodin: I've found the switch to initialize the gravity
Dr. McKay: Okay just give me a sec- [gravity comes on, causing McKay to fall several meters onto the floor] Oh yep, yeah, thats permenant back damage [through gritted teeth]

[Examining possible planets for evacuation]
Maj. Sheppard: What about M1K-439?
Lt. Ford: Which one's that?
Maj. Sheppard: The one with all the waterfalls
Lt. Ford: See, why can't we just call it 'Planet Waterfall'? [Sheppard gives him "the look"] What? I say we should just give them names.

Dr. McKay: I'm not sure I can fix this.
Dr. Grodin: You can fix anything.
Dr. McKay: Who told you that?
Dr. Grodin: You did. On several occasions.

"Bob" the Wraith: I will tell you this: no matter where you flee, we will find you. Just as surely as we will find Earth. And when we do, we shall feast!

Dr. Zelenka: Yes, well, that would certainly help – but I'm more concerned about the Ancient database – its ability to back up data. It's incredibly redundant.
Dr. Weir: 'Incredibly redundant'.
Dr. Zelenka: Yeah, that one never gets old. But seriously...

The Siege, Part 2 [1.20]Edit

[The Atlantis base has just activated a self-destruct, only to have several personnel from Stargate Command arrive to help them]
Col. Everett: Good! Now does somebody want to please turn off that self-destruct?

[The Wraith have used asteroids to detonate several mines prematurely.]
Dr. McKay: Your mines make one hell of a bang, Colonel, I'm sure the Wraith's ears are ringing.

Dr. McKay: Look, you show up here with your guns and your brush cuts, but when it comes to actually saving the city, you turn to the scientists. And every time, what you ask is impossible.
Col. Everett: When was the last time you slept, Doctor?
Dr. McKay: D-d-d-d…shut up, I have an idea

Lt. Ford: How about next time you can be the bait?
Maj. Sheppard: Yeah, next time. Maybe...

[Dr. McKay is trying to get a reluctant Dr. Beckett to sit in the Ancient chair]
Dr. McKay: It's out of drones; you couldn't do any damage if you wanted to, now SIT DOWN.

Season 2Edit

The Siege, Part 3 [2.01]Edit

[After Atlantis receives a transmission from Sheppard, who they believe to be dead]
Maj. Sheppard: [over radio] Atlantis base this is Sheppard.
Dr. Weir: [in disbelief] John?
Maj. Sheppard: What other Sheppards do you know?

[Two Marines beam down into Atlantis with a ZPM]
Dr. Beckett: [jumps] How did they do that?!

Dr. McKay: [upon seeing his military escort, comprised of only two men] Whoa, whoa. This is my military escort?
Dr. Weir: Well, we are spread a bit thin right now.
Dr. McKay: Okay, okay. [to the escort] But remember, you have to be willing to put your life on the line for me.
Dr. Weir: Rodney!
Dr. McKay: For the Zed-PM. That's what I meant. Protect the Zed-PM at all costs. [pause] And me.

Sheppard: [is beamed to the gateroom from the Daedelaus] Hello, I'm home! [Weir hugs him, Sheppard is stunned]
Weir: Yes you are. [pause] I truly thought that-
Sheppard: Yeah, yeah, I thought the same about you for a while there. We have to stop that [referring to the fact that each thought the other had perished]
Weir: [smiling] I'd like that.

Dr. Weir: Rodney, we need the shield up in 45 seconds.
Dr. McKay: What are you kidding me?!
Dr. Weir: No, Rodney!
Dr. McKay: Okay, because I think you're trying to find the point at which a will completely snap. [puts the ZPM in the slot, nothing happens]
Dr. Weir: Rodney nothings happening.
Dr. McKay: What?! That should be it.
Dr. Weir: 20 seconds.
Dr. McKay: Okay, SNAP! You happy now?!
Dr. Weir: Rodney!

Dr. Weir: Rodney, you can take the rest of the day off.
Dr. McKay: Oh. I am gonna curl up in bed with the largest sandwich I can find. [lays down on the floor like he's going to go to sleep]
Teyla: Shall I just explain to the rest of the Wraith left on the base that you are unavailable to fight?

Maj. Sheppard: Look, I'm not asking you swim out there! I'm asking you to push a few buttons!

Col. Caldwell: Can we submerge the city again?
Dr. McKay: It's a city, not a yo-yo.

Dr. Weir: Ok, what are our options?
Dr. McKay: Let me see, we've got quick death, slow death, painful death, cold, lonely death...

Dr. McKay: [whispering] They're scanning for us.
Dr. Weir: Why are you whispering?
Dr. McKay: I don't know, it just seemed like the right thing to do.

The Intruder [2.02]Edit

Hermiod: What are you doing?
Dr. McKay: I'm just checking something—I'm sure it is impossible.
[Types a command into a console. The numbers on the screen change to symbols]
Dr. McKay: Crap!
Hermiod: What did you do?
Dr. McKay: I just ran it through a translation program—it's Wraith.
[Hermiod looks at the screen, then at Dr. Mckay]
Hermiod: "Crap" indeed.

[Lt. Col. Sheppard stares at Hermiod suspiciously]
Dr. McKay: Don't stare. He hates it when people stare.
Lt. Col Sheppard: [whispers] Am I the only one who thinks it's strange we're working with an alien?
Dr. McKay: Intergalactic hyper drive technology is kind of new to us, so we need his help.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Is he supposed to be naked like that?

Dr. Weir: You said you wanted the best.
Dr. Beckett: But all of these people are more qualified than I am, how am I supposed to choose between them?!
Dr. Weir: Dr. Beckett, you are my chief medical head, I have full trust in you to make the right decision.
Dr. Beckett: [smiles] Well, when you put it that way...

Lt. Col. Sheppard: This is what I do when I'm having problems with my laptop. I turn it off, then I turn it on again.
Dr. Weir: I think it's a little more complicated than that.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I'm just saying, if we're taking a page from the John Sheppard Book of Computer Repair, we're really desperate.

Dr. McKay: My nose is peeling! [to Carson] Do you have, uh, any moisturizer?
Dr. Beckett: Yes Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Oh, we should get that.
Dr. Beckett: [sigh] Yes Rodney.

Runner [2.03]Edit

[Major Lorne and Dr. Parrish are walking through a forest on P3M-736]
Maj. Lorne: You know, when they told me I'd be travelling to another galaxy, visiting strange new worlds, defending humanity against unimaginable alien threats, this just is not what I pictured!
Dr. Parrish: We could be saving Earth -- right here, right now, Major.
Maj. Lorne: Oh yeah? How's that?
Dr. Parrish: Through a greater understanding of the long-term effects of severe ozone depletion on plant life. You may not want to admit it, but it's a real danger.
Maj. Lorne: [sarcastically] Oh yeah! Sure! Global warming -- Wraith attack. I see the similarity now, you're right! Yeah, it's great!

Dr McKay: Look, I want to get Ford back just as much as everyone else. But have you seen my complexion?
Teyla: [sarcastictly] Yes.
Dr McKay: It's very fair. This isn't fair.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: And, Major, you get McKay.
Maj. Lorne: Ooo, lucky me...

Dr McKay: So what kind of training do you guys have to go through to get this sort of mission?
Maj. Lorne: You guys?
Dr McKay: Yeah, army, navy, air force, marines.
Maj. Lorne: And by this mission you mean hunting down an escaped weapons specialist hopped up on Wraith drugs in the pitch black of an alien planet?
Dr McKay: Yes.
Maj. Lorne: Actually, I think I skipped that course in major school.

Maj. Lorne: Wow, you must really be some kind of genius.
Dr McKay: Well, as a matter of fact I ...eh, wait a minute, why would you say that now?
Maj. Lorne: Something has to have kept Col. Sheppard from shooting you all this time.

Dr. Weir: Pack up what you need.
Dr. Beckett: I don't think an operating room and bloody army would fit through the gate.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: You heard of Androcles and the lion?
Dr. Beckett: Aye. And who are you in this retelling? The Romans?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: What the hell are you doing?!
Teyla: Getting my hand free.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Doesn't feel that way!

[Dr. Beckett to Ronon Dex while operating on him in the open without sedative]
Dr. Beckett: Look, I just wanna say one last time: I really don't think this is a good idea. We're cutting very close to your spinal column here, if you're to flinch...
Ronon: I won't flinch.

Dr. McKay: You can't kill an unarmed, upside down man!

Duet [2.04]Edit

[Col. Sheppard and Teyla are talking about how all the wraith woke up]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Too many mouths to feed - or hands to feed.

Dr. Beckett: You have a date Rodney? With a woman?
Dr. McKay: It is simply two adults sharing some friendly— Yes, with a woman!

[Sparks fly from a downed Wraith dart, causing Dr. Zelenka to jump in terror]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: First time off world?
Dr. Zelenka: Yes.
Lt Col. Sheppard: Well, if there were any more Wraith, they would have attacked us by now.
Dr. Zelenka: Really?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: If it makes you feel better.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Maybe there's something wrong with him an MRI wouldn't pick up, if you know what I mean.
Dr. McKay: I'm not crazy, I just have another consciousness in my brain.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: So he just looks crazy?
Dr. McKay: I'm sure I do, but only because Dr. Fumbles McStupid here was in way over his head!
Dr. Zelenka: Yes! I made a mistake trying to save your life! Now, do you want to try and fix it, or do you want to continue to berate me some more?
Dr. McKay: I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time.

[Two white mice had been de-materialized, and re-materialized as black cinders]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I'm no scientist, but those mice used to be a different color...

[McKay/Cadman is about to be dematerialized to separate Cadman's consciousness from McKay's body]
McKay/Cadman: [as Cadman] Wait. [walks over to Beckett and kisses him, causing the others to shift uncomfortably] Just in case it doesn't work. [McKay regains control and backs away in horror] Just... just... hit it!

Condemned [2.05]Edit

[Ronon walks over to a steaming pot on a campfire and tastes it]
Dr. McKay: What are you - Oh, my gosh, he's tasting it! [to Ronon] You don't know what that is, that could be their laundry!
Ronon: Pretty good.
Dr. McKay: Oh, yes. Good idea. And when you're finished with their poridge, Why don't we try their beds?
Ronon: [to Rodney] Want some?
Dr. McKay: How good is it?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Leave it be, Goldilocks.

[The team is talking to Dr. Weir on the radio about their prison island]
Dr. McKay: I prefer lethal injection, although I do have a certain fondess for the eletric chair. Call me romantic.

Teyla: Do you kill all your violent criminals on Earth?
Dr. McKay: [Looks at Col. Sheppard] Certain countries, yes.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Can we not get into this right now?

[The prisoners shoot down the Jumper and it crash lands]
Teyla: Are you all right?
Dr. McKay: I think I chipped a tooth. Did I chip a tooth? Am I bleeding? Because I am a high risk for endocarditis.
[After they walk out of the jumper they find themselves surrounded by the prisoners]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Hi, folks. I hope I didn't crash-land on anybody.

Dr. McKay: What am I, MacGyver? Fix it with what?!

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Right now I'm saying knock it off.
Ronon: Is that an order, Sheppard?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I'm beat up, tied up, and couldn't order a pizza right now if I wanted to, but if you need it to be, yeah, it's an order.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Easy, Chewie, you're gonna cut your hands off.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: How much time do you need to rework the DHD?
Dr. McKay: Well, in a perfect world, two days.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Rodney?
Dr. McKay: Right now, uh, ten minutes, give or take.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: How's it coming, Rodney?
Dr. McKay: Slower than I expected, but faster than humanly possible.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Good, any chance of getting the cloaking generator back on line?
Dr. McKay: Okay, and uh maybe then you want me to make you a nice sandwich?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Only if it's humanly possible.

Trinity [2.06]Edit

Dr. McKay: This is definitely Ancient design. Their latest stuff. [Blows a large amount of dust of the console] Their latest stuff being ten thousand years old.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Best case scenario?
Dr. McKay: I win a Nobel Prize.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Worst case scenario?
Dr. McKay: We tear a hole in the fabric of the universe. [Sheppard looks horrified] Which is much less likely to happen than the Nobel Prize.

[about Dr. McKay]
Dr. Weir: He really sold you.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: He asked me to trust him.

Dr. McKay: Okay, we've been over this. I'm doing it manually, at half power. It's a cakewalk.
Zelenka: I don't think it matters how much cake you walk on.

Dr. Weir: You destroyed three-quarters of a solar system!
Dr. McKay: Five-sixths, but it's not an exact science.
Dr. Weir: Rodney, can you give your ego a rest for one second?!

Instinct [2.07]Edit

Boy: Is it true? You're going to hunt the Deimos?
Dr. McKay: It looks that way.
Boy: I heard it has two heads, and can turn you to stone just by looking at you!
Dr. McKay: [impatient] Well, you heard wrong.
Boy: My uncle says it'll come and take me if I don't do my chores.
Dr. McKay: He said that, huh? Well then, if we get rid of it, you've got nothing to worry about. You'll never have to do chores ever again.
Boy: Really?!
Dr. McKay [irritated] Yes. Look - go away!

Lt. Col. Sheppard [On Wraith physiology]: So it's a teenage thing? Pimples, rebellion, life-sucking?
Dr. Beckett: Something like that!

Lt. Col. Sheppard: McKay, stay here and help Beckett.
Dr. McKay: Medical research isn't really my thing.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: And hunting the Wraith?
Dr. McKay: Uh, I meant I could stay, and... help... Beckett

Dr. McKay: Never could get into Biology. It's too much information about the human body. One time I took it as an undergraduate, I diagnosed myself with half a dozen separate medical conditions before I had to drop the class.
Dr. Beckett: [preoccupied looking through a microscope] Really?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, believe it or not, back then I was a bit of a hypochondriac.
Dr. Beckett: You know, this does require a bit of concentration.
Dr. McKay: [snarky and obnoxious] What? Am I bothering you?

Conversion [2.08]Edit

[Dr. Beckett is wheeling Col. Sheppard into the Infirmary on a gurney]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: This really isn't necessary, Doc.
Dr. Beckett: Yes it is, you've got a serious laceration on your arm and you've lost a good deal of blood.
Dr. McKay: Well enjoy the ride, Colonel, they're making me walk.
Dr. Beckett: You have a splinter Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Yeah, a nasty, painful splinter.

[Dr. Beckett and a team of scientists are working on a way to cure Sheppard. Dr. Beckett suggests gene therapy]
Scientist: I have no doubt that we could program the cells if we had them, but we don't have the time to artificially create gene therapy of that magnitude without newer cells. The only samples we have are from a bug that died over a year ago.
Dr. Beckett: Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that we need to go on an egg hunt.

Dr. McKay: Maybe we should make a diversion.
Maj. Lorne: Are you volunteering?
Dr. McKay: I'll shut up.

[Before entering the cave full of iratus bugs McKay zips his collar up]
Dr. Beckett: You don't seriously think that's gonna help do ya?
Dr. McKay: Well, when they see your neck before mine, you won't think it's stupid.
(later) [Dr. Beckett zips up his jacket before going to collect eggs]
Dr. McKay: See, not so stupid now is it?
Dr. Beckett: Oh shut up.

Aurora [2.09]Edit

[about the ship]
Dr. Weir: When will it arrive?
Dr. McKay: [to himself] Let's see, carry the four. [to Dr. Weir] 42 million years. Shall we go wait on the porch?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Any way to figure out what they're saying?
Dr. McKay: Yes, of course, it says right here, "Why is the smart one having to stop and answer so many questions?"

[about going in one of the pods]
Teyla: But is it safe?
Dr. McKay: Would I be volunteering to go if it wasn't?
Ronon: No.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Which is exactly what makes it safe enough for me to go.
Dr. McKay: What?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Better to have you on the outside, In case something goes wrong.
Dr. McKay: It won't.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: But if it does.
Dr. McKay: It won't. How many times do I have to say this?
Teyla: Rodney. Between the two of you, if something were to go wrong, which would be the greater loss?
Dr. McKay: Well, I've never thought of it that way, but... Hey she's right. You should go.
[Sheppard is almost ready to go in the pod]
Dr. McKay: ...so when you want to disconnect, you'll need to really concentrate.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You mean, think it.
Dr. McKay: I think it will probably take a little more that that, otherwise you'd be popping in out of the thing every time it crossed your mind.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: So, "There's no place like home"?
Dr. McKay: If that works for you.

Ronon: More of the same.
Teyla: Shh. I am counting. I do not want to lose my place.
Ronon: I counted 376. No, wait, 398. I forgot about the infirmary. There was 22 in there, or was it 23? [Teyla looks at him like she is very annoyed] Sorry.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: [Pointing at Trebal, who is a Wraith in disguise] That's the Wraith.
Dr. McKay: She's the Wraith?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr. McKay: Wow, she's hot. I mean seriously hot.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Rodney, you're drooling over a Wraith.
Dr. McKay: I know, I disgust myself sometimes.

Dr. McKay: The communiqué's been erased.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Why would the Wraith do that?
Dr. McKay: Well, it says right here, "I, the Wraith, delete this important information to keep you from seeing it."

The Lost Boys [2.10]Edit

Lt. Ford: You didn't really buy that "I want to go home" speech, did you? Always underestimated me, Sheppard. You need to stop doing that. Complete the mission and McKay lives.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: We can't complete the mission, Ford. It's a bad plan.
Lt. Ford: You said it was a great plan.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You didn't buy the whole “it's a great plan” speech, did you?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: R2, I need you to turn the auto pilot off. Now! [Nothing happens] Worth a try.

The Hive [2.11]Edit

Lt. Col. Sheppard: I don't even know your name.
Wraith Queen: In time, you will tell me every...
[Queen stares into space, hisses at Sheppard, then leaves]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Every what? What's wrong?
[Guards take Lt. Col. Sheppard from the room]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: She didn't even tell me her name.

Dr. McKay [after having injected himself with a massive dose of the Wraith enzyme]: Lock and load!

Dr. McKay [After easily beating up two guards due to the enzyme overdose]: And that's what happens when you back a brilliant scientist into a corner!

Dr. McKay: [Rodney took the enzyme and he's dialing the gate] Big dose. Big, big dose. But you needed it. You had to take out the guards. And you did. Stupid, "You want the crystals, you'll have to go through us." Well, I went through you all right didn't I? Like a hot knife jell-o. No, it's uh butter. Hot knife through butter. Man, I'm hungry. Focus. Focus. Must finish dialing the gate.

Dr. Weir: Rodney, slow down. Are you all right?
Dr. McKay: [babbling excitedly] Yes, yes! I mean, I'm... I don't know! I mean, I did take out the guards, they were huge and dumb and stupid and...
Dr. Weir: What guards?
Dr. McKay: Ford's guards! Didn't I mention Ford?!
Dr. Weir: No, you didn't! You haven't mentioned Sheppard, Teyla and Ronon either-
Dr. McKay: YES!!! They were there too, and there were two guards! They were huge, massive and to take them out, I had to inject myself with some of the enzyme...
Dr. Weir: [incredulous] You took some of the enzyme?!
Dr. McKay: Nonononono, I didn't took some of the enzyme, I took a lot of the enzyme because I had to take out the guards do! You should have seen me, I was amazing!!!
Dr. Weir: Are you insane?
Dr. McKay: Yes! Yes! No, I took some of the enzyme, yes!
Dr. Weir: Rodney, focus! Where is Col. Sheppard?
Dr. McKay: NONONO, I HAD TO TAKE THE ENZYME BECAUSE, BECAUSE I HAD TO TAKE OUT THE GUARDS! Elizabeth, the-the point is, we don't have much time! We have to stop that ship and get to know where the ship's going!
Dr. Weir: Come on, come on, let's take a walk to the infirmary-
Dr. McKay: Ooooh, what are you doing? Nonono, I don't want to go to the infirmary! I want to go to the, ummm, the... [collapses]
Dr. Weir: Dr. Beckett, we have an emergency, we're headed for you!

Neera: You do not fear them?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The Wraith? Naah. Now, clowns… that's another story. Scare the crap out of me…
[later]
Neera: You have fought the Wraith before?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Lots of times. Won some battles; lost some. War's not over by a long shot, but we're managing to hold our own.
Neera: And the clowns?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The clowns? Oh, yeah, the clowns. We fight them too; entire armies, spilling out of Volkswagens. We do our best to fight them off, but they keep sending `em in.

Dr. McKay: Why aren't you dead?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [irked] It's good to see you too, Rodney.
Dr. McKay: No, no, I mean… well, you know what I mean. Why aren't you… dead?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, I knew when the hives started shooting each other that it was only a matter of time before they blew each other up, so I went to the Spacegate, dialled an address and got out of there.
Teyla: Col. Sheppard was kind enough to make us whole again and we all returned to Atlantis.

Epiphany [2.12]Edit

Dr. McKay: Someone hand me a branch. [Ronon hands him a log] I didn't ask for a log!

Dr. McKay: Just, um, back out if you encounter anything problematic.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Problematic?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, like poisonous atmosphere, acid atmosphere, no atmosphere…. Hey, it's a MALP on a stick; only shows you so much!

Dr. McKay: Col. Sheppard would have already had hours to try to make it back through the portal in the time I wasted explaining the situation to Conan and Xena!

Lt. Col. Sheppard: This is Sheppard. I'm pretty sure you can't hear me, but I don't have a volleyball to talk to, so what the hell.

Lt. Col. Sheppard [after being left to himself to fight the Beast]: Hey people, I'm starting to develop some serious abandonment issues here!

Dr. McKay: What is it with you and ascended women?!

Critical Mass [2.13]Edit

[Dr. Lee is trying to explain his idea of relaying a message to Atlantis to a room full of SGC personnel]
Dr. Lee: It's—it's the Twilight Bark.
[The audience murmur and look at one another, confused]
Dr. Lee: Twilight Bark? 101 Dalmatians? Didn't you guys see that movie? My kids love it, and... Well, okay, so there's all these dogs. And one barks here, one barks here, one— They send the message across the countryside.
[The audience continue to murmur]
Dr. Lee: Lord of the Rings.
[People start nodding and smiling]
Dr. Lee: Lord of the Rings! You know when they light all those signal fires on the mountaintops? You all saw that, right?

Dr. Kavanaugh: I don't see how you could possibly dump any more power into the hyperdrives-
Hermiod: Dr. Kavanagh?
Dr. Kavanaugh: Yes?
Hermiod: Stop talking, please... Thank you.

Dr. McKay: Explosives expert, huh?
Lt. Cadman: High temperature energetic materials technology. And I can tap dance too. [smiles]

[Lt. Col. Sheppard walks in to check on Ronon, who is interrogating Dr. Kavanaugh, only to find Kavanaugh lying on the ground, unconscious.]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What did you do to him?
Ronon: Nothing, he fainted before I could touch him.

Col. Caldwell's Goa'uld: I warn you, as a Goa'uld, I now possess the strength of many men.
Ronon: [ominously] It'll be a fair fight then. [Ronon proceeds to easily overpower the Goa'uld]

Dr. McKay: Now, as you know, the Zero Point Module controls the flow of massive amounts of power.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Like a dam.
Dr. McKay: No, it's not like a dam, it's more like a ...uh...actually, yes, it's like a dam. If you overload the dam, it breaks, which is why the Ancients put in place failsafes to prevent such a thing from happening.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Like a spillway.
Dr. McKay: Could we just stick with failsafes?

Dr. McKay: Hermiod's going to attempt to remove Col. Caldwell's Goa'uld using Asgard beaming technology.
Dr Beckett: Quite remarkable, actually.
Dr. McKay: And complicated. Well, the calculations are impossibly intricate. You don't want to beam out a chunk of his brain.
Dr. Beckett: Lovely, Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Hey, look who's back! It's Mr. Mom. Fun with the kids?
Dr. Zelenka: [his face is decorated with grass and paintings, struggling to say something] Do not even speak to me! [walks away, with Rodney looking smug]

Grace Under Pressure [2.14]Edit

[To his hallucination of Col. Carter]
Dr. McKay: I mean, you come in here, you don't help me, you say the one plan I've got is bad, you-you claim to be a creation of my mind and yet you are in no way dressed provocatively!

Dr. McKay: Come on, you're a figment of my imagination. The least you can do is take your top off!
Lt. Col. Carter: Your subconscious mind knows that I would never be into that.
Dr. McKay: You are the worst hallucination ever.

Dr. McKay: I wonder why we never hooked up.
Lt. Col. Carter: What, aside from the fact that you're petty, arrogant and treat people badly?
Dr. McKay: ...yes.
Lt. Col. Carter: Nope, that's pretty much it: petty, arrogant, bad with people.
Dr. McKay: Oh. But you do find me attractive?
Lt. Col. Carter: Let’s stick to working on my idea.
Dr. McKay: No, this is my idea.
Lt. Col. Carter: How do you figure?
Dr. McKay: Well, you don’t exist. You think what my subconscious tells you to think! So, really the idea was mine. [realizing] Oh, wow! I’m arguing with myself about who had an idea first—me or me. I really am petty, aren’t I?

[To his hallucination of Col. Carter]
Dr. McKay: You're—you're not physically here. You can't transfer any heat.
Lt. Col. Carter: Doesn't mean I can't get you hot!
Dr. McKay: (incredulous) I'm sorry?
[Carter emerges from the water partially undressed]

[After Zelenka realizes Sheppard wants him to go underwater in the puddlejumper with him to save McKay]
Dr. Zelenka: Oh! No-no-no-no-no-no – I cannot possibly ... uh, no.
Dr. Weir: Radek.
Dr. Zelenka: I-I ... I can't even swim!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: There's not a lot of swimming under a thousand feet of ocean.
Dr. Weir: (to Radek) Look, I'm not gonna order you to go.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I will! [Elizabeth shoots him a look]
Dr. Weir: All I'm saying is that if Rodney can't turn to you, who can he turn to?
Dr. Zelenka: [thinks for several seconds] Right. Give me a few minutes and I'll get my gear.

The Tower [2.15]Edit

Lt. Col. Sheppard: They can't all be planets with cool technology and open-minded women.
Dr. McKay: I don't see why not!

Lt. Col. Sheppard: We got the drones, we got a few jumpers; I even got the girl.
Dr. Weir: You got the girl?
Lt. Colonel Sheppard: Well, I mean I could have got the girl. I turned her down.
Dr. Weir: [smiling] What did you offer them in return for the drones and the jumpers?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: A supply of medicines and an IDC if they need to reach us. We also offered to help `em come up with a new way of running things when the time comes.
Dr. Weir: They didn't offer you king?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I turned that down too!

The Long Goodbye [2.16]Edit

Dr McKay: You two need some very serious marriage counselling.
Dr Weir/Phoebus: He’s not my husband, he is the enemy. Drop your weapon.
[McKay drops the sidearm]
Dr Weir/Phoebus: Now radio security and tell them everything’s fine.
Dr Beckett: Everything’s not fine.
[Weir stuns Beckett and aims the stunner at Rodney]
Dr McKay: Security, this is Rodney McKay. Everything’s fine, never been better. Colonel Caldwell was kidding when he said, what he said...
Dr Weir/Phoebus: Ah, forget it!
[Weir stuns McKay]

Dr Weir: [over comm] Thaelin, the second I find you, you die.
Dr Beckett: Well, they're on the road to divorce.

[Sheppard/Thaelin stuns Teyla]
Lt. Col. Sheppard/Thaelin: Will you people stop getting in the way?! [exchanges a few shots with Weir/Phoebus] Go ahead and expend all your ammunition, just like you did last time! Your people don't know how to fight, Phoebus. That's why we're gonna win the war!! [shoots]
Dr. Weir/Phoebus: This war's not over yet!! [shoots back]

[The lights are out and Beckett is about to operate on Ronon]
Dr Beckett: Bloody dark ages.

Coup d'Etat [2.17]Edit

Ladon: I'll only talk to Weir.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Do I make you nervous.
Ladon: Not at all, Major. I'm just not interested in talking to the errand boy.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: That's Lieutenant Colonel Errand Boy to you.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, I look at it this way: the Genii have tried to kidnap you on numerous occasions to mine that big old brain of yours.
Dr. McKay: Yes.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, if we get into trouble, I'll just trade your life for mine.
Dr. McKay: Oh, funny.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Don't worry. If you survive, I'll mount some sort of rescue mission… eventually.

Ronon: Sheppard's on the list; McKay is on the list. Why aren't Teyla and me?
Dr. Weir: What, you're feeling left out?
Ronon I just wanna know who thinks I'm not a threat and give 'em a chance to change their mind.

Dr. Weir: Good idea!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Could have been MENSA.

Michael [2.18]Edit

Dr. McKay: [to a commissary employee] Ah. Hey, what happened to the, um, to the blue jello? My favourite, all of a sudden it’s off the menu. What gives?

Inferno [2.19]Edit

Lt. Col. Sheppard: It took Dr. McKay years to figure out all things Ancient and he still doesn't completely understand.
Dr. McKay: [defensively] I have a very firm grasp of Ancient technology.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You've blown up entire planets, Rodney.
Dr. McKay: That wasn't my fault!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, it didn't do it by itself!

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Ah, well, the lead scientist, uh, she's very, um...
Dr. Weir: Hot?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I was gonna say "attractive." But McKay is acting kinda...
Dr. Weir: Smitten?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I was gonna say "pathetic."

Dr. McKay: And I have, uh, discovered the ship's name. [he looks at his computer tablet] It's the, um, Hippaforalkus.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The what?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, well, it appears to have been named after an Ancient general, Hippforalkus.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, we're not calling it that!
Dr. McKay: Oh good. Then what about, um ...
Lt. Col. Sheppard: And we're not calling it the Enterprise either!

Dr. McKay: We don't need to go far. [Twirling his finger in the air] Any old orbit will do!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: And then what?
Dr. McKay: [as sarcastically as humanly possible] Well, then, Norena and I were planning a small dinner for us all, nothing fancy ...
Norena: Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Well, what does he mean, "Then what"?! Then we won't die horribly!

Dr. Beckett: I think I may be missing something. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the volcano erupts, don't we as well?
Dr. McKay: That's the plan!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: That's the plan?
Dr. McKay: That's the plan!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: That plan sucks!

Allies [2.20]Edit

Dr. Weir: Rodney, if the hive opens up on us, I want Orion's drones.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Which means we're gonna need the hyperdrive to get in position.
Dr. McKay: Which means we'll need shields, which means you want everything!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I like everything! Can we do it or not?
Dr. McKay: Well, don't get up! Shields! Yes. Jump into position? Mmmmaybe. Release the drones. [crew member shakes her head] Probably not.

Dr. Zelenka: Explosives, yes, yes. Uh, the problem with an explosive delivery system is that, because the drug is now an aerosol, a third of the tests ignited the medication [he and Dr. Beckett laugh nervously] rendering it useless.
Dr. Beckett: They call it flashing! [he briefly opens his lab coat at the Wraith]

Dr. McKay: They didn't need you on the Daedalus?
Hermiod: Col. Caldwell believed my time was better spent disabling their jamming code.
Dr. McKay: Huh! So, they can fly that ship without you.
Hermiod: Yes. But apparently you cannot run these tests without me.
Dr. McKay: Really? Well... (makes an adjustment) Try it now.
(simulation is successful)
Dr. McKay: Well, well. Turns out the human knows what he's doing after all!
Hermiod: Indeed. Your assistance on this project will be noted.
Dr. McKay: My assistance?!?

Dr. McKay: Okay, I can probably figure something out. But no more holding back! I want everything there is to know about hive ships! Schematics, power distribution, life support configuration levels, everything!
Wraith Queen: Then you shall have it.
Dr. McKay: (suprised) Really?
(the data is sent over)
Dr. McKay: Huh, she really did it! This is the mother lode!
Dr. Weir: What is exactly?
Dr. McKay: Only everything you ever wanted to know about Wraith technology but were afraid to ask!

Dr. Zelenka: It's like being handed the Wraith encyclopedia and don't know where to start.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: When I was a kid and got my first encyclopedia, I started with the letter S.
Dr. Zelenka: Yes, well, I'm sure the Wraith sexuality is interesting.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: (explaining his plan to the Wraith Queen) Once we get in range, we beam a canister into the CO2 chamber and boom! One hive ship de-wraith-ified.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Who's firing on us?!
Technician: We got two hiveships bearing down on our position, sir. One of them is the friendly!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Not so friendly...


Season 3Edit

No Man's Land [3.01]Edit

Lt. Col. Sheppard: It'll be a walk in the park... a very scary park, filled with monsters who are trying to kill me.
Michael: I don't understand.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Never mind. [puts on his oxygen mask] Operation 'This Will Most Likely End Badly' is a go.

[Lt. Col. Sheppard is alone in a 302, being fired upon by an armada of darts]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Okay, how about some of that help you promised?
Michael: I told you to target the hyperdrive generator.
Lt. Col Sheppard: I already knew that.
Michael: There's nothing more I can do.
Lt. Col Sheppard: Like hell there isn't. Call off the Darts!
Michael: [annoyed] They won't listen to me.
Lt. Col Sheppard: This is NOT helpful, Michael!

Dr. McKay: They couldn't have. Even if they deduced the location of Earth, they won't be able to get there, unless, they downloaded something else on the Hive-ship plans. Oh it's something like spyware, just like my stupidly downloaded porn...
Ronon: What?
Dr. McKay: Music! My downloaded music.

Dr. McKay: Where did you come from?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I managed to latch onto the hull of the hive before we went into hyperspace.
Ronon: Nice move.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Saw it in a movie once.

Gen. Landry: How'd it go with the IOA?
Dr. Weir: Oh, you know. I mean, does anyone ever come out of an IOA deposition saying, "That went well"?

(the Orion is under heavy fire without shields)
Maj. Lorne: One more shot Zelenka, that's all I'm asking!
Dr. Zelenka: I just cannot give you what I do not have! (checks a console) THERE'S TOO MUCH DAMAGE! WE NEED TO ABANDON SHIP! (runs towards the exit)
Maj. Lorne: Hey, stop! Listen to me-
Dr. Zelenka: We sacrificed our shield capabilities with that first salvo, we shouldn't wait any more moments, major!
Maj. Lorne: Col. Caldwell, I'm afraid we've done everything we can on our end! Requesting immediate beam out to the Daedalus!

(Rodney is hacking the hive ship)
Dr. McKay: Their operating system is a mess! Good thing I still remember DOS. [after a beat, he turns and looks back at Ronon] Trust me, that was hilarious!
Ronon: Are you done yet?

Dr. McKay: This ship is being seriously damaged, it's hard for me to find something to overload!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [appearing from around a corner with Michael] Let Mikey try!

Misbegotten [3.02]Edit

Dr. Weir: I'm sorry to put you in this position, but you are the only person besides Col. Sheppard and Gen. O'Neill who's actually fired a drone from that Chair.
Dr. Beckett: Ironically, they're the two people I nearly killed when I did that.

Teyla: We are grateful for your help, but we could never release you, not with the information you possess.
Michael: Then kill me now!
Teyla: There is another way.
Michael: Take the treatment again?
Teyla: Yes.
Michael: What I am is not a disease you can cure.

Woolsey: I've never met an Asgard.
Dr. Weir: You, I think, will love them. They have a wonderful sense of humor.
[Woolsey looks at her hopefully]
Woolsey: Really?
Dr. Weir: No.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Just out of political curiosity, how much trouble is it gonna cause you if I knock this Woolsey guy in the head?
Dr. Weir: May I ask why you'd like to do that?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: It's just an impulse I had, really...One I suspect I'm gonna have again next time I see him. He may not even have to say anything.
Dr. Weir: I've never seen you like this. What did Woolsey say to you?
Lt. Col Sheppard: Besides judging every damned decision you've ever made?
Dr. Weir: John Sheppard, are you defending my honor?
Lt. Col Sheppard:...And, judging me for agreeing with you.
Dr. Weir: Well, don't be too hard on him. I think of all the circling wolves, he's the least likely to actually bite. In fact, he might even convince the others to leave us alone.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Alright, so...no head knocking?
Dr. Weir: It's the thought that counts.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: How're you doing with the weapons?
Dr. McKay: We couldn't hit the side of a barn.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: But hive ships are a hundred times bigger—
Dr. McKay: [interrupting Sheppard] A giant...flying...barn. We couldn't hit that.

Mr. Woolsey: Nothing renews your appreciation for the military like the threat of invasion from life-sucking aliens.

Irresistible [3.03]Edit

Lt. Col. Sheppard: What the hell is going on?
Dr. Weir: What do you mean?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What do I mean. We leave for two hours, and Lucius turned you all into Stepford wives.

[McKay and Lt.Col Sheppard are in McKay’s lab trying to determine why everyone in Atlantis is besotted with Lucius Lavin. Sheppard looks like he has been pacing angrily while McKay has been working on a laptop at a lab-bench]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [While he's talking Sheppard moves to sit beside McKay] This is creeping me out.
Dr. McKay: [McKay has been hunched over his laptop typing busily] Yeah… reminds me of an old Batman episode actually. Catwoman used a drug to put a spell on Batman...make him fall in love with her. Ended up doing all sorts of evil things for her. [Rodney sits upright] It was kind of a turn on actually…it’s Julie Newmar in the cat outfit…
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [Sheppard is reading McKay's laptop screen, he absently interrupts McKay ] Eartha Kitt was Catwoman.
Dr. McKay: Not 'till season three.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [surprised] Really?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, you didn't know that?

Dr. Beckett: So you finally came around did you. You know, you'll come to know Lucius eventually. He really is a kind and wise...
[Sheppard turns and pulls out a Wraith stun pistol]
Dr. Beckett: Oh crap.
[Sheppard stuns him]

[The team talked about what would happen if Lucius gives away Atlantis' position]
Ronon: In which case I said I will track him down, hang him by his feet, and cut off his...
Dr. Weir: Yes, thank you. I think we get the message.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Hey, buddy, I'd better get back and clean your quarters before the next scout.
[Pats McKay on the shoulder and walks away]
Dr. McKay: [Nervously] Right.
[He turns to leave, but Teyla and Ronon stop him, realising he took some of Lucius' herb]
Dr. Weir: Rodney!
Dr. McKay: It was just one teeny, tiny taste for research purposes.
Dr. Weir: Burn it!
Dr. Beckett: All of it!
Dr. Weir: Right now!
Dr. McKay: Alright. Story of my life.
[Dr. McKay briefly looks suggestively at Teyla, who is not impressed.]

Sateda [3.04]Edit

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Look, I can't say the Wraith won't be back here again, but I can promise you they're not coming back here because of him.
Keturah: No. Not once we've sacrificed the Wraithbringer to his masters.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: He prefers "Ronon." Probably also prefers not to be sacrificed to the Wraith.

[McKay has been shot with an arrow and is now full of morphine for the pain]
Dr. McKay: Excuse me, why am I lying here?
Dr. Beckett: You have an arrow, Rodney, in your gluteus maximus.
Dr. McKay: Well, that sounds painful. [lies down on the operating table with a content expression and starts to play with the words] Gluteus maximus... glooo-tus maaa... ximus... [mildly surprised] Oh my god, that's my ass, isn't it?!
Dr. Beckett: Aye.
Dr. Weir: Call me if he makes any sense.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Look, Teyla. I'm not really good at, uh ... Actually, I'm ... I'm terrible at expressing ... I don't know what you'd call it, uh ...
Teyla: Feelings?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Yeah, sure, okay. The point is, I don't really have good, uh ...
Teyla: Social skills.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, that is why I enjoyed flying choppers in the most remote part of my world before all this craziness happened, but, uh, you should know, I don't have, uh ...
Teyla: Friends?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [indignantly] No – I have friends. [pause] You, Elizabeth, Ronon, Carson, even Rodney, are the closest thing I have to a ...
Teyla: A family?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I'd do anything… for any one of you. If I had to give up my life the way Ronon was going to, I would.
Teyla: [smiling] Thank you. For everything you… meant to say.

[ Ronon, Teyla, and Sheppard have gone to fight the Wraith instead of leaving]
Dr. McKay: They outnumber you 25 to 3.
Dr. Beckett: [ beeping from the Jumper's life signs detector] It's actually 22 to 3 ... 21...
Teyla: And Ronon appears to be quite angry.
Dr. McKay: [sarcasticly] Oh, that evens it out!

[Beckett grabs a gun]
Dr. McKay: What are you doing?
Dr. Beckett: I'm going to help them.
Dr. McKay: What are you crazy?! You're a doctor!
Dr. Beckett: What does that have to do with it?
[McKay tries taking the gun]
Dr. Beckett: What are you doing?
Dr. McKay: I'm going.
Dr. Beckett: You can barely walk!
Dr. McKay: I can walk fine, I just can't sit!
Dr. Beckett: And you're a terrible shot!
Dr. McKay: Oh, what, you're Rambo now?!

Ronon: [regarding a specific Wraith] You kill him before I do, I kill you.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What if he kills you first?
Ronon: Then you kill him.

Progeny [3.05]Edit

[The team is preparing to go off to another planet. Sheppard walks into the gateroom and sees Ronon with his gun]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Put that thing away. We told 'em we were friendly.
Ronon: [holsters his blaster] I'm friendly.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Is that thing set to stun? [Ronon pulls out his gun again and switches it to stun] [sarcastic] Friendlier.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: I'm still waiting to meet an Ancient race that's invented the car.

Oberoth: Lower your weapons.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [not moving] How much lower would you like 'em?

McKay: There is nothing more annoying than people who won't admit their own mistakes. [Zelenka looks at him]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: True.

The Real World [3.06]Edit

Gen. O'Neill: I don't know anything about Atlantis ... except that it was a fairly mediocre Donovan song, not one of my favourites.

Gen. O'Neill: Well, maybe you've got to work yourself back into playing shape… spend a little time doing some short shifts before you jump up to the first line.
Dr. Weir: I'm sorry. I don't know a thing about football.
Gen. O'Neill: Nor hockey, apparently.

Gen. O'Neill: Now, just to be sure we're on the same page, we're against the proliferation of nuclear weapons, right?

Dr. McKay: [staring at Beckett] What?
Dr. Beckett: What?
Dr. McKay: Well, it's that look. That's the same look I get when I have a brilliant idea.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: How would you know how you looked?
Dr. McKay: 'Cause it's happened more than once in front of a mirror, okay?

Common Ground [3.07]Edit

Dr. McKay: [to a rescue team] Alright, people, let's do this one by the numbers. We get in, we get our man, we get out. Stay sharp and stay alive!
Dr. Beckett: [in disbelief] What are you on about?
Dr. McKay: Oh, just things that Sheppard would say, so I thought I would, um ...
Teyla: Well said, Rodney.

[The rescue team comes running when McKay opens fire, but there was nothing there]
Ronon: Sheppard wasn't here.
Dr. McKay: And we've just wasted two and a half hours!
Ronon: [to the Marines] Let's move out!
Dr. McKay: …and a mouse.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: You know, I could've sworn I was gonna wake up dead today.

Wraith: You are more like Wraith than you know.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I'm not sure I like the sound of that.
Wraith: There is much about Wraith that you do not know, Sheppard.

[Sheppard has chosen to honor his deal and merely stun the Wraith he was working with]
Wraith: [waking up] Ah, Sheppard. I thought you ...
Lt. Col. Sheppard: There's a lot you don't know about humans.

McKay and Mrs. Miller [3.08]Edit

Lt. Col. Carter: Welcome back to Earth.
Dr. McKay: Yes, yes. What's my sister done?
Lt. Col. Carter: Good to see you, too, McKay.
Dr. McKay: [impatiently] Greetings, salutations, pleasantries. What's she done?

[McKay is explaining what he's been doing for the past few years]
Jeannie: What have you gotten yourself involved in here, Meredith?
Lt. Col. Carter: Meredith?
Dr. McKay: It's a long story.
Jeannie: It's his name.
Lt. Col. Carter: Your name is Meredith McKay?
Dr. McKay: Meredith Rodney McKay, yes, but I prefer to go by "Rodney." Look, can we just stick to the point here? Look out the window. Much more interesting than my name.
Lt. Col. Carter: [grinning] Your name is Meredith?

[Jeannie and McKay beam down]
Jeannie: Holy cow! That can't be good for your health.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Nothing to worry about. I've done it dozens of times. John Sheppard.
Dr. McKay: She's married, and she's my sister.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [defensively] I'm just saying hi.
Dr. McKay: Yeah, no, I know exactly what you're doing. I've seen that look before...Kirk.

Dr. McKay: What did Elizabeth say?
Col Sheppard: Two McKays are better than one.
Dr. McKay: There aren't two McKays, there's one McKay and him.

Rod: I envy you. You say exactly what's on your mind no matter how it makes you look. I can only imagine the freedom you must have, not caring if people like you or not.
Dr. McKay: Oh. [thinks a moment] People don't like me?

Phantoms [3.09]Edit

[Sheppard's team investigates a strange Wraith device]
Teyla: Is that what made all these people kill each other?
Dr. McKay: I hope so.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You hope so?
Dr. McKay: Otherwise, there are two bizarre things going on, and one is more than enough for me, thank you very much.

Dr. Weir: How are Rodney and Teyla?
Dr. McKay: He shot me!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: They're both fine.
Dr. McKay: You shot me!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [visibly upset] Yes, Rodney, I shot you, and I said I was sorry!
Ronon: You shot me, too.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I'm sorry for shooting everyone!!

The Return (Part 1) [3.10]Edit

Gen. Landry: You’re just mad you didn’t get to fly the maiden voyage yourself.
Gen. O'Neill: General, I am quite fond of both maidens and voyages. I mean, put the two together and ...
Gen. Landry: You’re not a test pilot any more, Jack.
Gen. O'Neill: [indignant] That’s what the President said.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Life isn’t fair – it’s just fairer than death.
Dr. Weir: Oscar Wilde?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The Princess Bride. Good movie.

Woolsey: That seems like a pretty big ship. You’re sure only sending one Jumper up to fend it off is the right thing to do?
Helia: It is impossible for them to harm us.
Gen. O'Neill: I could use some enemies like that.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: You should call her.
Dr. Beckett: Who, Cadman?
Dr. Weir: You two did make a cute couple.
Dr. Beckett: It didn't work out. May have something to do with our first kiss being through Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Oh, I thought we made a solemn vow never to speak of that again!
Dr. Beckett: I remember no such thing.

General Landry: Colonel Sheppard, I'm going to assume you're still at the Midway Station waiting for Dr. McKay to rewrite his macro. I understand what you're doing, Colonel - Hell, I'll even call it brave, but if you don't turn that ship around immediately and come back to the SGC, I'll see to it personally that your career in the military is-
[Sheppard slaps a button, disconnecting the communication]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: That way I won't know what he was gonna say.

Dr. Beckett: My turtles!
Dr. Weir: What?
Dr. Beckett: I just bought some wee baby turtles and no one knows to feed them!
Dr. Weir: Well, turtles are pretty hardy. I’m sure they’ll be fine.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: And they make good soup.

The Return (Part 2) [3.11]Edit

Ronan: Is he dead?
Dr. McKay: He's mostly dead!

Dr. Weir: Hey, if we keep this up, there won't be much of a city left to save.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I'll try to run the drones into your least favorite buildings...McKay!
Dr. McKay: It should be working!
Dr. Beckett: Well, it's not working!
Dr. McKay: Look, if I give him any more power, he'll wake up and kill us all!

Woolsey: That sounded like another explosion.
Gen. O'Neill: [calmly] Yes. Yes, it did.
Woolsey: What does that mean?
Gen. O'Neill: [he looks at Woolsey in irritation] Something exploded.

Gen. O'Neill: Is that Dr. Weir I hear?
Dr. Weir: Yes, General, it's good to hear your voice too.
Gen. O'Neill: I didn't say it was good, Elizabeth. Please don't be offended as I express my surprise that Landry would send you on a mission like this.
Dr. Weir: Well, sir, General Landry didn't sanction this mission.
Gen. O'Neill: So am I to assume you're not surrounded by heavily armed SG teams and young, strapping Marines?
Dr. Weir: You've got myself, Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon, McKay, and Dr. Beckett.
Gen. O'Neill: [sarcastic] Oh, Dr. Beckett is it? Well, I'm comforted.
Dr. Beckett: [whispering to Weir] What's that supposed to mean?

Talus: What were you doing in the flooded section of the city?
Gen. O'Neill: The backstroke. I think.
Talus: what are you planning?
Gen. O'Neill: Well, I was planning to retire. But man, is that overrated!

[O'Neill gets his mind probed by Talus]
Gen. O'Neill: [casually] Whatcha doin'?
Talus: Probing your mind.
[O'Neill looks around, seeing that a Stargate event horizon is circling Talus and him]
Gen. O'Neill: Kinda roomy, ain't it?
Talus: Your ability to resist is quite remarkable General O'Neill.
Gen. O'Neill: Well it isn't the first time I had a hand in my head, as t'were.
Talus: If you do not give me information, perhaps Richard Woolsey will.
Gen. O'Neill: Tell you what...you look around, and I'll tell you if you're getting warmer, or colder.
[Talus smiles]
Talus: Ah, there it is.
Gen. O'Neill: So, hot I guess, huh.

Talus: I'm afraid your plan has been discovered, Colonel Sheppard. It is over.
[Everyone turns to look at Woolsey]
Woolsey: [defensively] He put his hand in my forehead! How can you resist that?!
Gen. O'Neill: Well, I like to close my eyes and think of England.

[Sheppard and McKay burst into the brig, where O'Neill and Woolsey are being held]
Gen. O'Neill: Hey! Thanks for the rescue!
Dr. McKay: Oh, hey...no problem.
Gen. O'Neill: No! You should be saying, "Thanks for the rescue!"
Dr. McKay: Oh, ah, right...thanks. Should have you out of there in no time. This won't take long at all.
[McKay fiddles with the door controls, an error tone sounds]
Dr. McKay: Oh, my...they, they, they've changed the codes.
Woolsey: ...But you can crack it, right? You need to get us out of here!
Dr. McKay: Yeah, of course I can...just give me, like, 1...2 seconds.
Gen. O'Neill: ...So, I guess that frozen replicator plan didn't pan out!?
Dr. McKay: Yeah...not so much.
Gen. O'Neill: How's that plan "B" workin' for ya? Good?
Dr. McKay: Actually, it's...it's more like, uh, plan "C".
[McKay looks hopefully at O'Neill and Woolsey, O'Neill and Woolsey stare blankly at McKay]
Dr. McKay: ...As in C-4, if you catch my drift?
Gen. O'Neill: No.
Dr. McKay: Let's just say that we're concerned that the Daedalus won't be able to carry out your standing orders.
Woolsey: What? To destroy Atlantis with nuclear weapons? I thought we were past that! Why would we be going back to that?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, it's the only way.
Gen. O'Neill: Can you do that?
Dr. McKay: Yeah...If we plant charges in all 10 of the shield emitters before the Daedalus arrives, that way, when the replicators try to activate the shields...
Woolsey: ...The C-4 detonates, the Daedalus beams a warhead into the city, and we're all vaporized.
[O'Neill turns quickly to look at McKay]
Gen. O'Neill: [Agitated] Sounds more like a plan "F", doesn't it? As in, "We're totally..."

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Good old plan "D", works every time.

[Sheppard has just given Caldwell his authentication code to validate it is his team in Atlantis, not the Replicators. Caldwell is on board the Daedalus, preparing to nuke the city to eliminate the Replicator threat.]
Col. Caldwell: That code is no longer valid, Colonel.
Gen. O'Neill: Hey, Caldwell! General Jack O'Neill here. That valid enough for ya?

Echoes [3.12]Edit

Dr. Beckett: Their ear-drums have been perforated.
Dr. Weir: How?
Dr. Zelenka: The whales are emitting an intense, low frequency pulse...like...like a sonar; as well as an EM field. The combination is very dangerous to humans - particularly in such close proximity.
Dr. McKay: [having heard none of this; his voice raised] It's the whales!
Dr. Beckett: [ignoring Rodney] Their hearing's been impaired; it should heal soon...
Dr. McKay: [continuing anyway; his voice still raised] It's their echolocation! It's creating very powerful vibrations! The closer we got, the worse it became!
Dr. Zelenka: Yes... [Raising his voice] Yes Rodney! We know!
Dr. McKay: [after a brief pause] Oh!
Lt. Col Sheppard: [after an even longer pause] What?

Lt. Col Sheppard: [attempting to get Rodney's attention] Canadian Football league is a joke.[he pauses, then continues when Rodney fails to react] Celine Dion is overrated. [a second pause] Zelenka is smarter than you are! [a third pause]
Dr. McKay: [having heard nothing] Hey! I found mention of a biolab in the database. Ancient scientists used it to study animal life. We should check it out.
Lt. Col Sheppard: Okay...Meredith.

[Elizabeth, John, and Rodney are discussing the whale-like creature Rodney has been studying]
Dr. Weir: And how do you know...he's a he?
Dr. McKay: Oh, because I cross-referenced the renderings in the database with the whale outside, and, you'll see, the males have a rather prominent, um-
Dr. Weir: [interrupting] Oh, it's okay, I might-I'll take your word for it.

Irresponsible [3.13]Edit

Dr. McKay: (Talking about Kolya and his men) What if they burn down the village out of spite?
Lucius: Well, that'll be petty of them.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Yeah well, they're like that.

Lucius: So I finish off the last Wraith guard and I turn around and I look at the Queen and I say, 'You know, if you were twenty pounds heavier, you’d look like my ex-wife.'

The Tao of Rodney [3.14]Edit

Dr. Zelenka: Normally if Dr. Esposito weren't around, I doubt you would have been as reckless as you were.
Dr. McKay: Are you insane?
Lt. Col Sheppard: Which one is Esposito?
Dr. Zelenka: Oh, the long dark-haired...
Lt. Col Sheppard: Oh, right, the one with the perky little...
Dr. McKay: Do you mind?! We're trying to work here.
Lt. Col Sheppard: For the record I was gonna say 'smile'.
Dr. McKay: Ya, I'm sure you were.

Dr. McKay: One more time: mysterious energy pulse from a device created by the Ancients. I mean, who knows what kind of long-term effects I could be in for? I mean, there’s gross mutation, giantism, invisibility...
Lt. Col. Sheppard: That would be cool. I turned into a bug.
Dr. Beckett: Alright. Like I said, as far as I can tell, he’s as healthy as a horse. I’m clearing you for active duty.
Dr. McKay: What are you insane?! Look, I need to be put under guard. Who knows what I could become?
Dr. Weir: What are the chances it could make him more pleasant?

Dr. Weir: What else can you do, besides telekinesis?
Dr. McKay: Well, super-hearing for one. And, I'm not sure, but I think I may actually be getting smarter. It's hard to say for sure because I was pretty smart to start with, but recently I've been having thoughts that I don't think even I would have thought of before.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Does super-ego count as a power?
[A nurse arrives with a tray of food]
Dr. McKay: Oh, finally! Look, keep it coming.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: We may also be dealing with a super appetite, but it's hard to tell because he ate so much before.

[Weir and Sheppard walk into the chair room to talk to McKay.]
Dr. Weir: Rodney, we need to talk.
[Rodney deactivates the chair and reads their minds]
Dr. McKay: What do you mean I’m gonna die? I’m not even sick! I feel great -- never better!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: That Ancient device...
McKay: [Reading his mind] ...has accelerated my evolution. [Reading Weir’s mind] Eventually I’ll reach a point where I’m physically capable of ascension, but ascension takes more than that -- there’s a mental component. I need to know how to make it happen... which I don’t. [Reads Ronon’s thoughts] Yet!! I’m getting smarter by the minute, it’s a pretty good assumption I’ll be able to figure it out on the way. [Rodney reads Weir’s mind again]. OK, so it’s not as easy as that. Well, even if I don’t, so I stay a highly-evolved human. I mean, I don’t have to ascend, it’s a choice, right? [John grimaces slightly] No? What do you mean, no? Oh, that stupid Ancient device doesn’t work properly, does it? [He reads Elizabeth’s mind again] It’s set in motion a series of genetic mutations that will result in my death if I don’t ascend?!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [To Weir] There is something easier about this.
Dr. McKay: That’s why the Ancients didn’t put it into common use, it’s just one more in a long line of abysmal, over-ambitious failures! Oh God. I’m a dead man!

Dr. McKay: You know, we could be a team! You could be my sidekick!
Ronon: Sidekick.
Dr. McKay: Yeah, like Batman and Ronon. Has a nice ring to it.
Ronon: You keep eating like this, it'll be more like "Fatman".

Dr. McKay: Yes, I'm me! I'm my old self!
Dr. Beckett: Are you certain?
Dr. McKay: Ya, I'm alive. I feel--I feel great--I feel--uh...um...hungry...
Lt. Col Sheppard: He's fine.

The Game [3.15]Edit

Lt. Col. Sheppard: He’s giving his people way too much technology for their level of development. [Points at Rodney accusingly] I’m not the only one increasing my army, by the way.
Dr. McKay: I had to do something to protect the people of Geldar from you.
Ronon: Geldar?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: The name of Rodney’s country. He named it after a girl he stalked in college.
Dr. McKay: I did not stalk her. We dated twice. Teresa Geldar -- a very cute blonde. I always used to think her name reminded me of some kind of a mythological land - "The Kingdom of Geldar".

[A man rides through Geldar on a bicycle]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Oh yeah! That’s something you see in a medieval village!
Dr. McKay: Yes, well, the Renaissance obviously came early to these folks.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: A couple of hundred years early?

[regarding Rodney]
Teyla: Why do you refer to him as the Oracle?
Nola: The Oracle is a wise and omnipotent deity.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [to Ronon] Boy, she’s in for a rude awakening.

[Elizabeth walks into the "Game Room" to find Lorne and Zelenka arguing. They are unaware of her entrance.]
Dr. Zelenka: Absurd!
Maj. Lorne: What are you talking about? It’s a perfectly reasonable request!
Dr. Zelenka: Oh yeah. Perfectly reasonable! I give you all of my food and my people starve.
[Elizabeth walks deeper into the room and sees the two of them on either side of the ‘games’ console. Radek is already on his feet and now Evan stands up to shout at him over the top of the screens.]
Maj. Lorne: I am not asking you for all of your food! Plus, I did say that we would make a deal.
Dr. Zelenka: [sarcastically] A deal. Oh yeah. Baskets.
Maj. Lorne: Big baskets! Two dozen of ‘em, hand-woven and very nice.
Dr. Zelenka: Oh, very nice. What am I gonna put in them, huh? Certainly not food!
[Elizabeth, still unnoticed by the two men, folds her arms and looks at them angrily. They continue to bicker, getting more and more agitated with every remark.]
Maj. Lorne: You know what? I think you’re holding out on me. I think you have plenty of food.
Dr. Zelenka: Are you calling me a liar?!
Maj. Lorne: No, I think you’re trying to squeeze me for a better deal, that’s what I think.
Dr. Zelenka: I have got nothing to hide! Now, if you’re ...
Maj. Lorne: OK, OK, so maybe I’ll send some of my army troops down and we’ll have a look!
Dr. Weir: [very angrily] What the hell are you two doing?
[The two finally notice her presence and look down, ashamed. Both of them are wearing expressions akin to ones that you would find on the faces of children who have just been found stealing cookies from the cookie jar.]
Dr. Weir: I thought I gave specific orders to stay away from this device.
Dr. Zelenka: [quietly, ashamed] Yes, yes, you did.
Maj. Lorne: We just saw that there were some people in trouble and we thought that maybe that we could...um...help.
Dr. Weir: No! No more help. Clearly we are not qualified!

Baden: I’ve done everything I could to achieve peace with you.
Nola: Really?! Such as?
Baden: I sent gifts of goodwill.
Nola: [horrified] You sent crates of citrus fruit! Citrus! Do you have any idea what an insult that is to my people?!
Baden: It didn’t used to be.
Dr. Weir: OK, see, I think I know where that comes from. Did M - the Oracle tell you that citrus fruit was bad?
Nola: He made us aware of its toxic properties, yes.
Baden: Everything is toxic to you! [to Elizabeth] If they’re not busy insulting us, they’re complaining about contaminated food, improper hygiene. Even the sunlight is dangerous to them!

The Ark [3.16]Edit

Teyla: I am sorry, Herick, but we have scanned the surface of your planet. If your world was at war with the Wraith, the war was lost many years ago.
Dr. McKay: More like centuries. I mean, there is nothing down there but ruins and plant life.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Dial up the sensitivity a notch, all right?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: I guarantee you you’re gonna see pretty much the same technology that you’re looking at here, which I call vintage 1967.
Dr. McKay: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, we hollowed out a lot of moons back in the sixties.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, if we had, this is what they'd look like.

Dr. Beckett: Tell them we'll be there in a jiff.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You guys hear that?
Dr. McKay: [over radio] Yay, faint hope!

Dr. McKay: All right. I’m gonna take a look around, see if I can figure out a way to seal the compartments between us. I figure it would be nice if we were all together as we burn up.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: McKay . . .
Dr. McKay: I’m sorry. I mean, as we get rescued. I always get those two confused.

Dr. McKay: We don’t have much time left. The moon was already in a low orbit to start with. We’re beginning to skim the outer atmosphere. We’re gonna slow down exponentially.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Think of a brilliant plan, Rodney! That’s what you do best. Using as little oxygen as possible.

Sunday [3.17]Edit

Lt. Col. Sheppard: You dating anyone?
Ronon: You mean like a woman?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Or a man.
Ronon: No.

Dr. Weir: We’ve said goodbye to a lot of friends today. Our mission is a dangerous one. We lose people – a fact we’re all painfully aware of. But Carson was ... (She trails off for several seconds, temporarily lost for words.) I can’t remember anyone coming to me with a complaint against him – ever. He was a kind soul. He was ... he was a healer. And he will be very deeply missed. George Fabricius said, “Death comes to us all, but great achievements, they build a monument which shall endure until the sun grows cold.” (Her voice begins to break.) Every single life Carson saved is a monument to him. And that gives me great comfort.

[The closing scene of the episode, Rodney stands alone on one of the city's piers, talking with 'imaginary Carson']
Dr. Beckett: How’d it go back on Earth?
Dr. McKay: It was, it was awful. [Turns to Carson and smiles at him] Your family was amazing, though.
Dr. Beckett: Aye, they are. Good turnout?
Dr. McKay: Oh, packed the church.
Dr. Beckett: Oh, that’s good to hear!
Dr. McKay: It’s not gonna be the same round here without you.
Dr. Beckett: Oh, you’re telling me!
Dr. McKay: You know, the universe is a big place. Who knows, maybe we’ll bump into each other again.
Dr. Beckett: Aye, who knows?
Dr. McKay: You were the closest thing to a best friend I ever had. I’m really, really sorry. I should have just...
Dr. Beckett: Hey. This isn’t your fault.
Dr. McKay: You’re just telling me what I want to hear.
Dr. Beckett: Well, that’s what best friends do sometimes. And in this case it also happens to be true. Take care of yourself, Rodney.
Dr. McKay: [Raises his hand] Goodbye, Carson.
[Carson fades out of existence whilst the view zooms out to see Rodney standing alone at the end of the pier as the episode ends]

Submersion [3.18]Edit

[Rodney, Ronon, and the scientists are bickering]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Okay, kids. Do I have to pull this thing over? It's hard enough being in this damned thing for hours without listening to you guys.

Dr. Weir: Weapons fire.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Nine mil. This way.
Dr. McKay: Oh yes, let's race towards the gunfire.

[A Wraith Queen just swam to her submerged cruiser]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, you're a hell of a swimmer, I'll give you that.
Wraith Queen: You have restored power?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: It'll fly.
[The Queen deactivates the self destruct]
Wraith Queen: You shall be rewarded—with a quick death!
[McKay empties the ammo of his P90 into the Queen]
Dr. McKay: She's not dying according to plan here!!

Dr. McKay: There must be some kind of a command code that needs to be entered first.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Can you figure it out?
Dr. McKay: Yes, well command codes are usually quite simple like the number one or the letter A, like in Wraith.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [angry] Can you figure out the code or not?!
Dr. McKay: NO! Not if I stood here and tried for a million years. And we have, uh, just under a million years less than that!

Dr. Zelenka: [About a Wraith cruiser] It's been down there for a very, very, very long time.
Dr. Mckay: Give or take a very.

Vengeance [3.19]Edit

[The team was just attacked by a creature]
Teyla: What is that?
Ronon: A piece of an arm, it looks like.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Lets hope that slows it down.
Dr. McKay: Maybe it'll bleed to death.
Ronon: Or just grow another arm.

[Sheppard and Ronon spot the Wraith dart]
Ronon: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Sheppard: Yeah, I fly the dart, beam you all up, and then I use its DHD to dial Atlantis and get out of here.
Ronon: I was thinking of blowing it up, but your idea's better. Get moving!

First Strike [3.20]Edit

Dr. McKay: Look- asking me to do performance evaluations is ridiculous. I am the first person to admit I don't know who these people are, nor do I care to. If you'd like, I can take you down the hall to the labs and just point at the people who annoy me more than the rest, but that's about as useful as I get.

Col. Ellis: You should be running Atlantis, not Dr. Weir.
Lt. Col Sheppard: But then I'd be The Man, and who would I have to rage against?

[the team is discussing the strike against Asuras]
Col. Ellis: They are constructed of real materials which can be destroyed. Six will be more than enough for now.
Dr. McKay: For now? Isn't it like poking a sleeping dragon? Look, why don't we just wait until Area 51 finishes the P.W.A.R.W.s?
Dr. Weir: Ugh, which one's that again?

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Shouldn't you guys be bickering or something?
Dr. McKay: Ah, we've got nothing to bicker about. He's run out of bad ideas... finally.
Dr. Zelenka: [sulkily] If we survive this, I'm putting in for a transfer.
Dr. McKay: Oh, please. We both know that you've done your best work under me.
Dr. Zelenka: Under you?! I'm my own department head, you know.
Dr. McKay: Please! We both know that department is a joke.
Dr. Zelenka: What?!
Lt. Col Sheppard: Why don't you two just make out and get it over with?

Col. Ellis: You want to bring an asteroid towards us. Is that wise?
Dr. McKay: Today it is.


Season 4Edit

Adrift [4.01]Edit

[after the explosion, Ronon got a shard of glass in his shoulder]
Ronon: Pull it out now.
Doctor: I can't do that, it may have punctured an artery.
Ronon: Pull...it...out.
Doctor: Yeah, yeah I get it you're a tough guy. If you want to take it out yourself...
[Ronon attempts to remove the glass]
Doctor: Are you crazy!?

Dr. McKay: It's like the video game 'Asteroids'.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Whatever works for you.
McKay: I was terrible at 'Asteroids'! I think I actually scored zero once.
Sheppard: Well, there's only one way to go, and that's up.

McKay: I told you I wasn't good at 'Asteroids'!

Lifeline [4.02]Edit

Lt. Col Sheppard: How's it going?
Dr. McKay: Well I would be making a lot more progress if 'Timmy Torture' over here wasn't trying to kill me every two seconds.
Dr. Zelenka: I wasn't trying to kill him.

Dr. Lee: Space is quite vast...
Col. Ellis: You don't say?

McKay: We're coming into re-entry.
Dr. Lee: You mean entry. You see, we haven't actually entered the pl...
Col. Carter: Bill!

McKay: Now, you want to land this city gently, like a leaf, kissing the surface of a pond!
[Sheppard is in the control chair, trying to land Atlantis on M35-117, and crash lands in the ocean.]
McKay: Nice kissing!

[Teyla is going through Dr.Weir's things in her office]:
Ronon: Who do you think is going to replace her?
Teyla: I don't know. [pause]
Ronon: Whoever it is, they're going to have tough shoes to fill.
Teyla: Yes.
[Ronon puts his hand on her shoulder, and she holds it as she fights back tears]:

Sheppard: With all this commotion, I never got the chance to congratulate you.
[He glances at Samantha Carter's waist, and Carter looks confused]:
Sheppard: Your promotion; you're a full-bird Col. now.
Carter: Oh, yes.

Reunion [4.03]Edit

Sheppard: What's that?
McKay: It's a selection of fruits from the various worlds we trade with. I thought it'd be thoughtful.
Sheppard: Try lame.
McKay: [to some guy] Here, take this. And go.

McKay: Anyway... look, I just uh, just came by to uh, welcome you to Atlantis, see how you're setting in and uh, you know, if you needed anything and uh, did I mention I was seeing someone?
Carter: I'm sorry, what?
McKay: I'm uh, seeing someone. Yes I only bring it up now because you're here, now, and we'll be working together a lot more and uh, you know, I just thought with our past...
Carter: Our "past"?
McKay: Well you know, the unrequited lust that's been hanging over our heads for what seems like forever.
Carter: Rodney--
McKay: I just don't want things to be awkward between the two of us, you know, uh... Kind of like they are now.
Carter: Rodney... I'm sure we'll be fine.

Tyre: This is it.
McKay: Hurry up!
Ronon: I got it.
[Ronon shoots the door control, which promptly opens the door]

Sheppard: This thing's been way too quiet and way too easy.
McKay: I kinda like quiet and easy. Makes for a nice change.

[Rodney attempts to open a door while Sheppard fights off a Wraith attack]
Sheppard: Rodney, get that door open!
McKay: Aw, to hell with it!
[Rodney fires at the door control, destroying it, with no effect on the door]
McKay: Aw, come on, it worked for him!

[Carter and team have just released Sheppard and Teyla from the Wraith holding cell]
Sheppard: Well, it's about time. Any longer and we'd have had to save ourselves!
[Carter gives him a look]

Doppelganger [4.04]Edit

Sheppard: I'm gonna recommend sending a science team when we get back.
Dr. McKay: I am a science team.

Sheppard: Looks like one of those toys you play with as a kid.
McKay: Commodore 64?
Ronon: Triple barrel shotgun?
Sheppard: No, a kaleidoscope.

Dr. Keller: [About her dream] It was terrifying. There you were with this disgusting alien bug crawling out of your stomach and Colonel Sheppard was acting as it was the coolest thing he'd ever seen.
Ronon: It sounds like that movie.
Keller: Yeah, Alien. Have you seen it?
Teyla: Colonel Sheppard speaks of it often.
McKay: I remember the first time I saw it. Certainly did not think it was cool.

Dr. Heightmeyer: Now based on what's been described to me, the personification of Colonel Sheppard in everyone's dreams, is behaving much like a sociopath.
Sheppard: Did I have a goatee?

[Sheppard and McKay are in McKay's dream, rowing towards Atlantis]
Sheppard: You know? This really isn't as strange as you made me believe.
McKay: Oh yeah? What about that?!
[McKay points to a clown that appeared behind them]
Sheppard: ...I hate clowns.

Keller: Have you had any nightmares lately?
Rodney: Not a night goes by. Last night I dreamt that Colonel Carter invited me to her quarters for dinner.
Teyla: Maybe you shouldn’t be telling us this, Rodney.
Keller: Yeah, I said nightmare, not delusional male fantasy.
Rodney: Wait and listen. Turns out she was serving lemon chicken. I mean, lemon, and the only reason she invited me to dinner was to tell me she was promoting Zelenka over me.
Ronan: That’s it?
Rodney: Then I was eaten by a whale. Don’t ask how that happened.

Travelers [4.05]Edit

[Two Travelers want Sheppard to fly the ship forward]
Sheppard: Sure about that?
Travelers Scientist: That's why we're here. You fly the ship and I record the inputs, so I can replicate them.
Sheppard: Okay, but...
Travelers Guard: Enough. [draws his gun] Fly the damn ship.
Sheppard: Right. I was just gonna say: "You said 'start by moving the ship forward' when you should've said 'start by initializing the inertial dampeners'."
[Sheppard moves forward without the dampeners, knocking out the guards as they hit the door]

[Larrin walks into Sheppard's cell]
Sheppard: What's going on?
[Larrin punches him]
Sheppard: Ow! What was that for?
[Larrin punches him again]
Sheppard: Stop that!
Larrin: I'll stop, if you'll stop lying! You broadcasted a signal, didn't you?
Sheppard: Yes.
[Larrin punches him again]
Sheppard: You said you'd stop!

Sheppard: Sure you wanna go through with this? If you don't make it, I'll feel responsible and, well I really don't need the guilt.
Larrin: I'll be fine as long as you don't shoot too early. I'm sure that's not the first time you've heard that from a woman.
Sheppard: On the other hand, I might be able to live with it!

[A Wraith is about to feed on Larrin, when he notices Sheppard pointing a gun to his head.]
Sheppard: I can see you just fed, which means that your regenerating abilities are at maximum. But I seriously doubt you can grow a new head.

McKay: No, there's something you're not telling us - she was hot, wasn't she?
Sheppard: I don't know what you're talking about.
McKay: Aw, I knew it. That is so typical.
Sheppard: She had me beat Rodney! She threatened to kill me several times. It wasn't like we were hanging out in the spa together.
McKay: Whatever. All that I know is that every time I get taken captive, it's the Wraith. Just once, I would like to be taken prisoner by the sexy alien.
Sheppard: Well, you may still have a chance.
Ronon: What do you mean?
Sheppard: She's still out there...
[Teyla rolls her eyes]

Tabula Rasa [4.06]Edit

Keller: Dr Brown. I see you've brought my number one patient.
McKay: What? Oh, no, we're not here for me this time.

McKay: It started suddenly, and then it just stopped.
Keller: Okay, well, I appreciate you telling me.
McKay: Aren't you gonna do anything?
Keller: To be honest, I don't see how it's relevant.
McKay: Well, it's a new symptom. I thought it just might be important.
Keller: I don't see how a tingling sensation in your knees relates to this condition, especially since you're the only one experiencing it.

Sheppard: You showing any signs?
McKay: Headache.
Sheppard: Yeah, same here.
McKay: Five bucks says you start losing your memories first.
Sheppard: Rodney!

[Rodney is starting to forget things]
Teyla [to Dr. McKay]: What is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter?
McKay: Well, that's pi, it's 3.14159265 etc, etc... Oh, t-that doesn't count, that's easy.
Teyla: You are a scientist, Rodney, that is what you care about, that is what you will hang on to the longest.
McKay: Right, right, so... [pause] Wait a minute, doesn't that make me a really bad person?
Teyla: It makes you the type of person who is going to save all our lives.

[Everyone in Atlantis has lost their memory, apart from Teyla and Ronon. Ronon tells Lorne to take out a polaroid from his vest pocket, upon which is written "Colonel John Sheppard. He is your commanding officer. Trust him!"]
Sheppard: That's right, I'm your Commanding officer, so you should do what I say.
Maj. Lorne: Yes, sir. What are our orders?
[Sheppard, confused for a moment, turns to Ronon]
Sheppard: Do what he says.

Missing [4.07]Edit

Keller: Ibuprofen. Helps with the pain and swelling.
Teyla: Yes, Dr. McKay uses them frequently, along with antihistamines, antacids, motion-sickness pills…
Keller: You forgot the prescription I wrote him for restless leg syndrome.

[Teyla has caught a squid-looking creature for dinner]
Teyla: The taste leaves much to be desired but it will sustain you.
Keller: [grimacing] Oh, no thanks. I'm not hungry.
Teyla: You should eat.
Keller: [to herself] This was my least favourite part of 'Survivor'.

Ronon: [About the Bola Kai] Don't worry. They're primitive. We can handle them.
McKay: Define 'primitive'.
Ronon: Clubs and arrows.
McKay: Hey, arrows can hurt!
Ronon: Only if you're stupid enough to get hit in the ass with one.

Nabel: You're a doctor, a healer, not a killer.
Keller: You’re right, I am a healer. But first I need something to heal. [shoots him in the knee]

The Seer [4.08]Edit

[regarding psychic powers]
McKay: Well, gee, let me think. Umm, no. Look, in a mechanical, Newtonian universe, not a problem. I mean, you know enough variables, you can predict the outcome; but quantum physics blows that out of the water.

Carter: You have had more experience with the Wraith than just about anyone, and in particular with this Wraith. You have a history.
Sheppard: Well, it's not like we're dating.

Todd: I believe among your people it is customary to shake hands.
[Todd offers his right hand to Col. Carter. Everyone in the room points their guns at the Wraith. He begins to laugh and waves his hand disparagingly.]
Todd: Just a little Wraith humour. [laughs]

Ronon: That's it? That's your superweapon?
McKay: Well, what were you expecting?
Ronon: A big gun? Something that goes boom?

Miller's Crossing [4.09]Edit

Sheppard: Have you learned any new information yet?
Agent Barrett: No, not yet. The NID is liaising with CSIS [pronounced see-sis] on the ground. They are expecting us.
Sheppard: C-what now?
McKay: Canadian Security Intelligence Services. They're kind of like your CIA.
Sheppard: [sarcastically] CSIS, that's the best you guys can do, huh?

Jeannie: I can't believe I am betting my life on your sense of direction!
McKay: What are you talking about?! I've got an excellent sense of direction!
Jeannie: Oh, really? Remember when we went to West Edmonton Mall and Dad had to call the police to find you?
McKay: That mall was huge!
Jeannie: There were maps every seven metres!
McKay: Misleading ones!

Jeannie: [about Katie Brown] So, are you gonna marry her?
McKay: I don't know.
Jeannie: You've been dating over a year now.
McKay: [irritated] I'm aware of that, thank you!
Jeannie: You think you're gonna find someone better?
McKay: No, it's not that.
Jeannie: [laughing] 'Cause you're not!

[Ronon is eating in the commissary, looking on in boredom as Walter rambles until Sheppard enters]
Ronon: [hopeful] Tell me you have something!
Sheppard: Devlin Medical Technologies.
Ronon: That means...
Sheppard: You've got somebody to point your gun at.
Ronon: [enthused] Sweet!

Jeannie: And I'm gonna hold this over your head, for like - forever.
McKay: Oh, that's totally fair.
Jeannie: Like, you're gonna eat a lot of vegetarian food ... and not complain about it.
McKay: Sure, sure.
Jeannie: And you're gonna read Madison three stories instead of her usual two.
McKay: Right.
Jeannie: You're gonna buy me a car.
McKay: Let's not get out of control here...
Jeannie: A nice car. Hybrid.

This Mortal Coil [4.10]Edit

Replicator John: Have we made any progress?
Replicator Rodney: Yeah, the Gate's not working.
Replicator John: I think we figured that much last week when you broke it.

Sheppard: [upon seeing his clone] Great. The last time I came face to face with myself I ended up kicking my own ass.

Replicator Rodney: [excited] Humanity is about to benefit from the world's greatest mind - times two.
McKay: Can you imagine?
Replicator John: I'm trying not to.

Replicator John: Wait a minute. we can't go back to Atlantis because we're a security risk.
Sheppard: He - I have a point.

McKay: [To Sheppard] If this works, we should be able to track every Aurora-class Replicator ship in the galaxy in realtime.
[A few ships show up on the screen, each one accompanied by an audible blip]
McKay: Well, that's not so bad. I guess the Wraith have really taken a toll.
[More blips, the number of ships doubles]
McKay: On the other hand, my duplicate did say they were building more...
[More blips, still more ships appear]
McKay: A lot more.
[The screen fades out. After a beat, more blips are heard]
McKay: Oh, crap...

Be All My Sins Remember'd [4.11]Edit

[the Apollo and Daedalus have arrived at Atlantis]
McKay: Both ships at the same time. This is a first.
Carter: Well, it's the first time we've needed them.
[Sheppherd and Rodney both give her a pointed look]
Carter: [embarrassed] Well, since I've been here...

Col. Caldwell: Colonel.
Col. Ellis: Colonel.
[They turn to Carter]
Col. Caldwell: Colonel.
Col. Carter: Colonels.
[They turn to Sheppard]
Col. Ellis: Colonel.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Colonels.
Dr. McKay: [grimacing] Seriously?

McKay: Look, you don't know me. This is when I'm at my best. This is when I shine: impossible deadlines! Did I ever tell you about the time I once got a damaged Ancient hyperdrive system online moments before me and my crew were incinerated by a supervolcano?
Todd: [sighing and rolling eyes] Yes. You have.

McKay: Ellis is gonna love this. I don't get it. We tried reconfiguring your stand-down code; we tried programming the nanites to turn themselves off. Something should've worked.
Todd:: They are a very complex and ingenious design.
McKay: Yeah, well, I thought I was ingeniouser.
[Todd looks at Rodney and starts to say something, but is cut off]
McKay: Yes, I know it's not a word, Mr. Helpful.

McKay: I mean, it'll take them some time to adapt, to figure out how to function within the new parameters.
Carter: How much time?
McKay: Well, I mean, I hate to speculate.
Sheppard: Oh? Since when?

Zelenka: I must say, Rodney, this is quite an ingenious idea.
McKay: [smug] Were you expecting anything less?
Zelenka: [hesitant] Well...
McKay: Well what?
Zelenka: Well, you have been in a bit of a rut lately.
McKay: [indignant] I have not!
Zelenka: OK, well, like a dry spot, maybe.
McKay: That is not true.
Zelenka: OK...
McKay: It is not!

Zelenka: I'm all yours. What would you like to try now?
McKay: Actually, unencumbered by the continual need to explain things to you, I've actually made remarkable progress.
Zelenka: Oh, really?
McKay: Mmm. [they start walking into the lab] The systems the Ancients had in place were designed to create fully functional humanoid replicants, right?
Zelenka: [suddenly pensive] ...yes.
McKay: Well, turns out that trying to create something much simpler is – ironically – much more difficult. In the end I was forced to compromise.
Zelenka: Wait, you're not suggesting that...
McKay: Ah, I know it wasn't part of the plan but it was either this or nothing.
[Arriving at the Ancient table, Rodney gestures to...]
FRAN: [smiling warmly at Radek] Hello.
Zelenka: [somewhere between shock, horror, and awe] ...oh, my.

[McKay is describing his plan of eliminating the Replicators]
Dr. McKay: [casually] Whole planet will be destroyed in the process.
Larrin: You don't mess around, do you?

[aboard the Daedalus approaching the Replicator homeworld]
FRAN: This is quite exciting.
McKay: It's a bit nerve-wracking, yeah.
FRAN: I quite look forward to it.
McKay: ...you do?
FRAN: Yes. One always wishes to achieve one's purpose.
McKay: Right. And you're...okay with this?
FRAN: Of course. Why would I not be? It's my reason for being.
McKay: Well, you know, you're going to...cease to be.
FRAN: [matter-of-factly] Yes.
McKay: Well, I just...I just imagined you'd rather keep being than, uh ... uh, than not.
[Zelenka, in the background, edges away looking uncomfortable]
FRAN: Surely you're not worried for me, Doctor?
McKay: Worried? No, of course not. That would be silly.
FRAN: Yes. It would.
[McKay nods and steps away, whispering to Zelenka]
McKay: Should never have given it speech...

Spoils of War [4.12]Edit

Dr. McKay: [About to be 'almost' fed on by a Wraith Queen] Great, in my entire life I was never chosen first. And now fate decides to restore the balance.

Quarantine [4.13]Edit

[referring to Ronon's latest injury]
Keller: Another sparring accident?
Ronon: Actually... I slipped in the shower.
Keller: Really?
Ronon: No, sparring accident. [grins]
Keller: This is the third time this week I've had to patch you up... You know, there are a lot of other ways you could spend your free time.
Ronon: Not as much fun though.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: [Typing in Rodney's password, who thinks Sheppard can't remember it] 16431879196842. See, it doesn't take a genius.
Teyla: I-it doesn't?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: 1643 is the year Isaac Newton was born. 1879, Einstein. And 1968...
Teyla: The year Rodney was born.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Never underestimate the size of that man's ego.
Teyla: Weren't there other numbers?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: 42.
Teyla: What is that?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: It's the ultimate answer to the great question of life, the universe and everything.
[Teyla stares at him blankly.]

[Ronon and Dr. Keller tried to blow a door open with an oxygen tank, like in Jaws. The door stays shut.]
Ronon: A lot stronger than a shark.

Harmony [4.14]Edit

Lt. Col. Sheppard: [to Rodney] More searching, less complaining.
Dr. McKay: Sorry, I'm hungry. When I'm hungry, I get cranky.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: And when you get cranky, you get hit.
Dr. McKay: Okay, okay....

[Talking over the radio]:
Genii: Theoron come in.
[pause]:
Genii: Theoron come in.
Dr. Mckay: If we don't respond, they're gonna investigate.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [disguising his voice badly] Theoron here.
Genii: What's your status?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Good.
Genii: Elaborate.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Real good.

[after unveiling a painting depicting a heroic McKay and a cowering Sheppard]
Dr. McKay: Yeah, pretty much how I remember it.

Outcast [4.15]Edit

Ronon: I watched it last night. There was hardly any fighting.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: It's not about fighting.
Ronon: Then why's it called Blades of Glory?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: It is about skate blades.
Ronon: And this is a real sport? Men and women dancing around on ice?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Unfortunately.
Ronon: Your planet's weird.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You can say that again.

[Referring to Ava Dixon]
Ronon Dex: So, um, what happened to the rest of her?
Dr. Lee: Oh, uh, they deactivated the bond between her nanites, effectively breaking her into base elements.
[Ronon looks at Sheppard in confusion]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: They scrapped her.
[Ronon smiles faintly]

Trio [4.16]Edit

[talking to two young boys]
Col. Carter: If you help us, we'll get you whatever you want.
McKay: Oh yes, good, great idea, yes.
Col. Carter: Thanks.
McKay: Maybe you should show them your…
Col. Carter: Excuse me?
McKay: I was once a 10-year old boy too, I know what gets their attention.
Col. Carter: McKay…
McKay: What, you want to get out of here or not?
Col. Carter: I think we can reason with them without resorting to that, thank you.
McKay: If you say so. (looks hopefully at Keller)

Dr. Keller: Whoa whoa whoa, wait wait, don't pull me up!
McKay: What?! Why?
Dr. Keller: I see LIGHT!!
McKay: No no no no no! Don't go toward the light! You want to stay in the land of the living!!

Midway [4.17]Edit

[Ronon and Teal'c are fighting in front of a cheering crowd. Carter walks up and approaches Sheppard.]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Colonel, wanna place a bet?
Col. Carter: What's going on here?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Just a friendly sparring match.
Col. Carter: It looks anything but friendly.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: No, it's good for them. They're just blowing off some steam.
Col. Carter: How long have they been at it?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: About an hour or so.
Col. Carter: An hour?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Not even taking any breaks.
Col. Carter: They are now.

[On seeing one of the SGC's dead personnel]
Ronon: He was fed on by the Wraith. That's not a good way to go.
Teal'c: Indeed.
Ronon: You say that a lot.
Teal'c: What?
Ronon: "Indeed".
Teal'c: Do I?
Ronon: Yeah.
Teal'c: I had not noticed.

[After the station's self-destruct sequence is triggered]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Rodney?
Dr. McKay: We've made a terrible mistake -- we never should have revived Kavanagh!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: He turned on the self-destruct?!
Dr. Kavanagh: [defensively] Not on purpose!

[After using Ronon's gun to kill a Wraith]
Teal'c: [examining the gun] I would very much like to have a weapon such as this.
Ronon: [taking the gun from Teal'c] Yeah. Get in line.

The Kindred (Part 1) [4.18]Edit

Teyla: I knew you would doubt me. I should not have said anything.
Dr. McKay: Hey, I've been cocooned inside an alien spacecraft; I've had another person living inside me; I've encountered not one, but two different versions of myself, so who am I to judge? If you say it was a vision, then I believe it was a vision.
[jump cut to McKay and Sheppard walking to the control room]
Dr. McKay: I seriously doubt it was a vision.

Teyla: I purchased the pendant from an artisan in Croya, the village we are about to visit. Among the Athosians, it's quite common to present such gifts as expressions of admiration and respect.
Ronon: [to McKay] Hey. Maybe I'll pick you something up while we're there.
Dr. McKay: Really?
Ronon: No.

[On M2S-181, Teyla and Lorne's team walk through the market.]
Maj. Lorne: [nostalgically] Kind of reminds me of the flea markets they used to have back home. Every Sunday, stroll down to the Bay area, find pretty much anything you wanted. [He looks at a few of the more "shady" stalls.] And a lot of things you didn't.

[Teyla and Lorne are interrogating a trader who has been selling Athosian jewelry. He is bound in a chair in a dark room but it still refusing to talk.]
Maj. Lorne: [doing the bad-cop routine] I don't give a damn about your trade secrets. We wanna know where you got this stuff.
Trader: And if I don't tell you, what are you gonna do? I recognise those uniforms; I've heard the stories. People from Atlantis – do-gooders of the galaxy. You wouldn't hurt me.
Teyla: [steps out of the shadows of the room] I am wearing no uniform.
Trader: [noticing her obvious pregnancy] A pregnant woman! How intimidating!
[Teyla takes a branch, presses it to the man's chest, and shoves him and his chair over. He lands with a thud.]
Teyla: I will inform the villagers that you are a Wraith-worshipper and let them determine their own justice.

Todd: [after Sheppard's team points weapons at two Wraith guards moving a Wraith corpse] Ah, don't mind them. They're just here to help with the clean-up.

Todd: Obviously there is more you want from me, or you would not have come.
Ronon: Maybe we just came to kill ya.
Todd: [unafraid] Did you?
Sheppard: Unfortunately, no.
Todd: Well, there's always next time.
Sheppard: Rodney?
Dr. McKay: One of our people – Teyla – was taken by a Dart today.
Todd: [flippantly] I suppose she's already made some lucky Wraith a very tasty meal.

[John, Rodney and Ronon step into a doorway, aiming their weapons ... and stop and stare in total disbelief at what they see. A man is sitting on a bunk inside the room, dressed in a grey prison outfit. He sighs in relief at the sight of them.]
Dr. Beckett: Finally. It’s about bloody time. [standing up] What took you so long?

Todd: [after Sheppard has refused to help him] You always say that- but you always come around.

The Kindred (Part 2) [4.19]Edit

Dr. Beckett: Aye, you're damned right it is! First you tell me I'm not the only Carson Beckett, and then you tell me the other one died in a horrible explosion! [suddenly coming to a realization] Oh my God! My mother! You didn't tell her, did you?
Dr. McKay: Well...yeah.
Dr. Beckett: Good Lord!

Dr. Beckett: [after Sheppard assists him in putting on his pack] Thank you. I must be a wee bit rusty.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You're not rusty, Doc. You were just never very good at this.
Dr. Beckett: Fair enough!

Beckett, McKay and Keller are in the infirmary and Keller had just told Beckett that he's a clone and needs to take a weekly injection to keep his internal organs from shutting down, one they don't have in Atlantis.
Dr. Beckett: My Lord. No wonder I've felt like a dog's breakfast ever since I got here.
(Note: This is probably a hint to David Hewlett's movie, A Dog's Breakfast, in which Paul McGillion participated)

Dr. McKay: [before freezing Beckett in stasis] You know, I was toying with the idea of programming dreams into these things. Interested? I could have you fishing in the Highlands...with a couple of tall blonde massage therapists?
Dr. Beckett: No, Rodney. I'll be fine.

The Last Man [4.20]Edit

Sheppard: You're telling me I just traveled forty eight thousand years into the future in ten seconds?
McKay: I know – it is kind of cool when you think about it, isn't it?
Sheppard: Surfing a thirty foot wave in Waimea is cool. Dating a supermodel is cool. This is not cool!

Lt. Col. Sheppard: The city has solar-powered generators, right?
Dr. McKay: Yes, which would come in very handy if we were trying to power a couple of electric golf carts.

Todd: [explaining his plan to destroy Michael's facility] I was going to write an elaborate program designed to slowly create a fatal error in the primary capacitor, but I doubt there'll be time for that now.
Ronon: I was just gonna blow it up.
Todd: [exasperated] Naturally.

Dr. McKay: [voiceover] I was down in the Infirmary, having suffered a, uh, well, pretty serious injury.
Dr. Keller: [in the past, talking to Rodney on a bed in the infirmary] It's a splinter.
Dr. McKay: Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Dr. McKay: Look, um, I know you've already been debriefed about the future events – all the things we were hoping to avoid – but there's just one more thing I need to know.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What?
Dr. McKay: Did I still have hair?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [pausing] No.

(Sheppard has returned to Atlantis to find the city abandoned and powerless, and that the ocean has been replaced by sand dunes as far as the eye can see).
Lt. Col. Sheppard: (as he desperately waves his hands over control panels trying to activate anything) Okay, this is either the most elaborate pratical joke of all time, or I'm in serious trouble here.


Season 5Edit

Search and Rescue [5.01]Edit

(Lorne and McKay are trapped in another part of the collapsed compound)
Dr. McKay: Still no signal. There's too much interference.
Maj. Lorne: Pretty sure my leg´s broken.
Dr. McKay: I think I'm remarkably fine.
Maj. Lorne: [sarcastically] Well, isn't that wonderful? That brings me great comfort. Thank you.

Michael: Well. I guess we're fighting after all.

Dr. McKay: If I'm reading this correctly then Michael is--
Maj. Lorne: [he hears a noise] Shut up.
Dr. McKay: No, you shut up this is important! If Michael is coming-
Maj. Lorne: Shh! Stop making noise.
Dr. McKay: [pause] It's footsteps.
Maj. Lorne: Okay, revise that, start making a lot of noise.

Col. Caldwell: As a general rule, I like to keep daring rescues down to one a day.

[Sheppard, Ronon and McKay are in a Puddle Jumper and trying to get into Michael´s ship through the dart bay doors which begin to close again]
Dr. McKay: It's closing.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I see that.
Dr. McKay: It's closing quickly.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [annoyed] I got it.

[Teyla is giving birth on Michael's ship]
Dr. McKay: So, ummmmm, how are you doing?
Teyla: The pain is very great.
Dr. McKay: Oh...yeah I-I had a kidney stone once....incredibly painful....same kinda thing I'm told so yeah I hear you. Actually my cat and I had one at the same time and we were not fun to be around I'll tell you that much. He got his because he was eating too much dry cat food and I got mine because I wasn't drinking enough liquids, so that's why you see me drinking lots of water because I have no desire to experience that kind of pain again.
Teyla: [panting while talking] Fascinating story. Thank you...

Col. Caldwell: [in regards to Michael's Cruiser] Major Marks, please make that ship go away.

(Sheppard is about to go to surgery and passes Teyla)
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What are you gonna name the kid?
Teyla: Well, if it's all right with you, I was thinking of Torren John, after my father and after you.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Really? Wow.
Dr. Keller: McKay's gonna hate that.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I would be very honored.

Dr. Keller: All you have to do is lie still and let me play with your insides. [to Sheppard regarding his surgery].

The Seed [5.02]Edit

Teyla: Today he's decided that he will only sleep as long as I hold him and keep moving. I've already walked half the city and back again.
Dr. Keller: My parents used to put me in the car. My dad would have to drive around and around and around the block at three o'clock in the morning!
Teyla: Hmm. That would be lovely. At least I'd be sitting down!

[Woolsey has just arived on the Daedalus to take command of Atlantis.]
Woolsey: [authoritatively] Well, then. [He hesitates for several seconds, unable to think of anything more to say, then looks at Sheppard.] I think I'll start by going over copies of all your latest reports. [turning to McKay] Yours as well, Doctor.
Dr. McKay: What, right now?
Woolsey: I've been out of touch on the Daedalus for three weeks. I'd like to be brought up to speed as quickly as possible. We can have a full briefing in the morning.
[Woolsey leaves the control room]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: It's a nice speech. Very inspiring.

Broken Ties [5.03]Edit

Wraith: Kneel.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You know, what'd be really creepy and unexpected is if you knelt instead. [Tyre kicks him down] I guess not.

The Daedalus Variations [5.04]Edit

[After Sheppard notices the Alternate Daedalus has powered up]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [Over radio] Rodney, was that you?
Dr. McKay: [Smug] Yes. Why, do you think we have a ghost on board?
[McKay literally jumps when he hears something fall to the ground, then realizes it was only Ronon]
Dr. McKay: Will you please not touch anything?!

[Sheppard tells McKay that they've jumped above a red giant]
Dr. McKay: [over radio] Are you sure?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, we're not imagining it Rodney.
Dr. McKay: Let me transfer the sensors down to the station, at least I could- Whoa... you're definitely not imagining that...
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Thanks for the vote of confidence!

Ronon: They're in weapons range!
[the ship starts taking damage]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Return fire!
Ronon: I'm trying!
[the alien fighters keep closing, Ronon starts bashing the console]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Easy, Chewie! Those buttons are your friends! Just keep trying!
Ronon: [yells] I'M TRYING!!!
[the engine controls go down]
Dr. McKay: That's it, sublight's gone for good this time!
[the Alternate Daedalus crawls to a halt when the attackers suddenly start to explode]
Ronon: What the hell was that?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: F-302s. It's Atlantis!
[a massive dogfight begins]
Dr. McKay: [nervous] What's happening?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: We got some help from some friends, guess we're on the right side after all-
Alternate Sheppard: Daedalus, this is Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, do you read? [Sheppard and Ronon look at each other confused] Daedalus, do you read?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Yeah, Daedalus, uh, this is Daedalus, come in.
Alternate Sheppard: Who-Who is this?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: It's a long story!
Alternate Sheppard: Well, whoever you are you saved our asses when you took out their main weapons. I think the least we can do is return the favor.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: I'd much appreciate it.
Ronon: Uh, Sheppard...
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Oh, crap! [takes out a fighter that was trying to crash into the bridge]
Alternate Sheppard: Sorry about that, one of 'em got through. Nice shooting, though.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Oh, thanks...

Alternate Sheppard: Alright, that's the last of them. So, what happens now?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, we go our own ways.
Alternate Sheppard: Just like that?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Pretty much.
Alternate Sheppard: Well, thing is, we do have a few questions. See, the Daedalus we know was destroyed two years ago in a battle with the Replicators.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Sorry to hear that, but... this isn't our Daedalus either, we're just... borrowing it for a while.
Alternate Sheppard: OK, I have no idea what that means.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, like I said, it's a long story.
Alternate Sheppard: All right, Daedalus, good luck.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Thank you, Colonel. And one last thing: it's been a pleasure. [Teyla smiles] You're obviously a man of great integrity here, and a dedicated commander, and a very skilled pilot.
[Ronon frowns at him.]
Alternate Sheppard: Well, that's funny. I was gonna say the same to you. [Sheppard smiles]

[McKay is hit by an alien's weapon]
Dr. McKay: Oh, OW! OW!! OWW!!! [ducks into cover] I GOT SHOT!!! Ow...
Ronon: Thought we got them all! [fires]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Apparently not! [fires]

Ghost in the Machine [5.05]Edit

A Puddle Jumper is flying up from the planet. Sheppard's team is on board.
Ronon: What the hell was that thing?
Teyla: It just appeared out of nowhere.
Dr. McKay: And that shriek scared the crap out of me.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Kind of a ... flying monkey.
Dr. McKay: Flying monkeys! What is this, the planet of Oz?!

Woolsey: But the planet. Suitable for an Alpha site?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Yeah, perfect. Well, except from the monkey-like creature flying around, but I think we can handle that.
Woolsey: Monkey?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Yeah, McKay's got some photos. He'll show 'em to ya.
Woolsey: Did you say flying?

[Dr. McKay tweaks a system and tries to talk to Weir]
Dr. McKay: Elizabeth?
Elizabeth Weir: [in a deep male voice] Rodney?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Is it just me, or does "Elizabeth" sound a little different?

The Shrine [5.06]Edit

Richard Woolsey: Amelia, I think I'm gonna risk heading down to breakfast before they check in. I just mean that it will probably take them some time to get to the camp, and then more time for Nichols to get back to the Gate and report.
[Woolsey pauses. Amelia looks at him blankly]
Richard Woolsey: There's really no point in my telling you this.
Amelia Banks: Not really, sir.

Dr. McKay: Did you have some kind of itinerary planned?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, actually we’re gonna have a big feast first.
Dr. McKay: Last supper huh?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, suits your messiah complex.
Dr. McKay: True.

Dr. McKay: You're a good friend, Arthur.
[Both Sheppard and McKay look at each other, then bursts into laughter]

Dr. McKay: What is this place?
Ronon: It's the Shrine of Talus.
Dr. McKay: That means nothing to me.
Ronon: It's a planet of the Ancestors. We brought you here.
Dr. McKay:Thank you, Mr. Information! Look, since when did he become Ronon the Explainer? And why am I not in the Infirmary, huh? What, am I better?! [realises] I am better!

Teyla: It is the gift of the Shrine, and from all of us who risked great danger to bring you here. One last chance to be with those you love.
Dr. McKay: And then what? [with no answer, he realises the answer] I die!?
Ronon: With honour.
Teyla: And dignity.
Dr. McKay: Yeah, well, screw that! I'll just stay here!

Dr. McKay: You have thrown an awful lot at me all at once.
Ronon: That's life.

Dr. Keller: We're gonna have to find a way for me to operate on him right here.

Day six of the recordings of the progression of the Second Childhood
Dr. McKay: Jennifer, there's something I wanted to, while I remember, while I still can. There's something I wanted to say before...
Dr. Keller: Go ahead.
Dr. McKay: I, I, I love you. I've loved you for some time now. [pauses briefly] OK. Where was I?

Dr. Keller: I have enough anesthetic to put you out. You're not going to feel a thing.
Dr. McKay: Yeah, it's probably a hammer.

Whispers [5.07]Edit

Dr. Beckett: I wish you'd told me we'd be doing so much walking.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Did I forget to mention that?
Dr. Beckett:: Aye, you did. You also forgot to mention the fact that we'd be rappelling down the side of a mountain! My legs are seizing up.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Well, that's what happens when you do nothing for six months R&R.
Dr. Beckett: Not to mention two months in a stasis pod, thank you.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Two months? Try 800 years. That'll give you rubber legs.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: All right, we're going over to the next village to talk to some locals. You guys need anything, want anything?
Dr. Porter: Yeah. If you happen to pass a Starbucks, I'll take a grande triple sugar free vanilla latte.

Maj. Teldy: Where's Porter?
Dr. Beckett: We don't know.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: That's great! All we need now is for the Prom Queen and the kid in the wheelchair to wander off and we're all set.

[After Teldy's team supposedly killed all of Michael's experiments]
Maj. Teldy: Is that all of them?
Sgt. Mehra: Eight, nine, plus the other three, that makes twelve.
[An experiment charges in front of them. The women fire simultaneously and gun it down]
Sgt. Mehra: Sorry. That's nine. Plus the three, makes twelve.

The Queen [5.08]Edit

Sheppard: Hmm. Fruit bowl, nice touch.
Todd: Well, we picked them up on our travels. I thought it would make our discussions more comfortable. I hope they prove as delicious as the farmers who grew them.

Ronon: I still say this was a setup.
Sheppard: I don't know. Kenny seemed pretty surprised when that ship disappeared.
McKay: Who?
Sheppard: Kenny, the second in command.
McKay: Well, since when did we start calling him that?
Ronon: Maybe he wasn't in on it.
Sheppard: I don't know. If Todd wanted to kidnap Teyla, he would have done it the second we arrived. Doesn't add up.
McKay: Seriously, the next time we have to name one of these guys, we should take a vote.

Tracker [5.09]Edit

[While evacuating a village, Ronon and McKay guide them to safety]
McKay: That's it. That's it. [to a large person] Mind your step, sir.
Burly Woman: Sir?
McKay: Ma'am, sorry. Uh... [gestures at his upper lip] you have a... [to Ronon] That is clearly a moustache!

First Contact [5.10]Edit

[concerning the suspected hidden entrance in the passageway]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well it's remote, that's promising. He wouldn't want anyone around when coming in and out of his lab.
Dr. McKay: Oooh, like the Batcave!
Dr. Jackson: Yes... just like the Batcave.

Dr. McKay: Controlled magnetic harmonic resonance.
Dr. Jackson: What?
Dr. McKay: Apparently Tesla was close to something like this before Edison trashed his lab.
Dr. Jackson: What are you talking about?
Dr. McKay: That wall was specially designed to destabilize when bombarded with a very specific harmonic resonance. That's what the tones were. And the strong magnetic property of the particles is what keeps the door from just crumbling into dust. It's a great way to hide a door, because you know, if you're looking for a door to open it's never going to be found. It's like a hologram, only better because it's solid mass until the tones are playing.
Dr. Jackson: Right, so you could've just told me to walk through the door when you did it.
Dr. McKay: I could have, yes.

[after touching the holding cell's laser grid]
Dr. McKay: Ow!
Dr. Jackson: Oh yeah I tried that they uh, zap you when you touch them.
Dr. McKay: You could've told me that before I touched it!
Dr. Jackson: I could have, yes.

Todd arrives onboard the Daedalus
Woolsey: Thank you for coming.
Todd: Thank you for having us.
Woolsey: (clears his throat) Today is an historic day. Robert Grosseteste once said...
Todd: I would like to get started as soon as possible.
Woolsey: Y-yes, of course. But I wanted to recognise...
Todd: I have my doubts that your plan will be effective... so shall we drop these unfounded pleasantries and get to work?

Jackson: Is everything a competition with you?
McKay: I'm not sure what you're talking about.
Jackson: I just found you a secret lab full of really cool Ancient stuff. I kind of think that should score me some points here.
McKay: OK, I admint I might have been a bit of brusque with you up until now.
Jackson: Just a little...
McKay: But the truth is, I really didn't think you're gonna find anything.
Jackson: Well, that much I actually understand.
McKay: You do?
Jackson: Yeah. I... spent the majority of my professional life being ridiculed for my theories - most of which turned out to be correct, by the way - I'm kinda used to it, Rodney.
McKay: Wasn't that bothering you? That there's no indication or recognition of credit?
Jackson: No, I could say the same thing about you. The discoveries you've made yet probably could've won the Nobel prize five times over by now.
McKay: That's too true. So, guess none of us signed up to be famous, huh?
Jackson: No, we did it for the money!
McKay: Hehehe, good one! Heh heh... [resumes working then pauses again] You mean, you don't get paid more than I do, do you? [Jackson sighs] Do you?!

Dr. Zelenka: Colonel. I think I may have something. I've been working under the assumption that, as you suggested, the device they took must have been broadcasting some sort of sub-space communication ...
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You can trace it.
Dr. Zelenka: Well, yeah, if it was broadcasting from Atlantis, yes, but obviously it's not doing that any more.
Lt.Col. Sheppard: So?
Dr. Zelenka: So ... well ... I'm using the work of László Babai as a stepping stone ... You know, combinatorics and, um ... (shakes his head.) No offence, but the math I'm using is so complicated, I don't know if I can dumb it down enough for it to make sense.

The Lost Tribe [5.11]Edit

[when trapped in the outpost]
Dr. McKay: (...) I think I figured a way out of here!
Dr. Jackson: Really ?
Dr. McKay: This is an Ancient facility, and Rodney McKay knows a thing or two about Ancient facilities.
Dr. Jackson: You know it has been clinically proven that referring to yourself in the third person is a sign of mental instability.
Dr. McKay: Mentally unstable like a fox.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Five bucks to anybody who can figure out how to contact the Daedalus.
Banks: [her console beeps] Uh, Colonel Sheppard?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Got an idea, Banks?
Banks: Well, no, but I am being hailed by the Daedalus on subspace. Does that count?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Technically that's not your idea, but good enough. Put ‘em on screen. I'll pay you later.

Wraith Technician: We just dropped out of hyperspace.
Todd: [annoyed] Yes, I see that.

[McKay and Jackson have escaped from the room where they were being held and are searching the facility.]
Dr. McKay: Okay, we need to get to the device control room.
Dr. Jackson: It'll be crawling with soldiers...
Dr. McKay: Oh, well then we'll need to create a diversion.
Dr. Jackson: I'm awares.
Dr. McKay: Okay, ahh...We'll go to the power relay station, we'll create a massive explosion.
Dr. Jackson: And I never got how that made a good diversion.
Dr. McKay: [stops walking] What?
Dr. Jackson: You want to clear the device control room of bad guys, right?
Dr. McKay: Yes!
Dr. Jackson: Sooo...why would you assume if there was a massive explosion people would go running towards it?
Dr. McKay: Well, I would.
Dr. Jackson: I rest my case! [walks past McKay]
Dr. McKay: [catches up] Oh, I'm sorry, you know, I'm a good person, I would want to save people from a fire; maybe figure out what's going on?
Dr. Jackson: I, au contraire, would order more guards to protect the one room I thought whoever's blowing things up probably wants to get to!
Dr. McKay: [stops for a second before running to catch up with Jackson again] Explosion diversion is the very cornerstone of diversions!
Dr. Jackson: You don't have any better ideas.
Dr. McKay: I don't have any better ideas, yes.
[They open a door, revealing two Asgard suits]
Dr. McKay: [panicking and grovelling] Oh my God, please don't kill me, you need me.
Dr. Jackson: Rodney?
Dr. McKay: Us, us. You need us. Look, the device needs constant care. I mean, true, I'm the only one who knows how to work it. You don't have to kill me for it, you're not a violent race. I mean, you may have stunned us a few more times than I would have liked, but who's to say we didn't deserve it.
Dr. Jackson: Rodney, they're just suits-
Dr. McKay: Yes, suits. Suits that house one of the smartest races that ever evolved. The Asgards, I've always been a big fan of the Asgards. Some of my best friends are Asgards.
Dr. Jackson: They're empty suits. (waves his hand in front of their helmets) See?
Dr. McKay: [deflated] Yeah, I know I was uh...
Dr. Jackson: You were...?
Dr. McKay: Yeah, it's not important.

[a Traveler and an Asgard ship are seconds from collision when the latter jumps to hyperspace]
Katana: Huh, that was close. Flew into hyperspace.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: What?
Katana: Hold on, I've got another window opening.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Coming right back at us, what kind of messed up battle technique is that?!

Dr. McKay: [wearing Asgard armor] Can you unzip me?
Woolsey: I'll go look for a can opener.

Outsiders [5.12]Edit

Wraith Commander: Turn over these outsiders and your lives will be spared. Resist...and you will all die together. The choice is yours.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Jervis taken care of?
Teyla: He and his men have been locked up. They will not be giving us any more trouble. Though I do not think it was necessary to stun them.
Ronon: Felt good, though.

Dr. McKay and Beckett are in a holding cell.
Dr. McKay: I've got lots of experience escaping from these things.
Beckett: You do?
Dr. McKay: Oh, yeah, yeah. Been in this situation dozens of times, always figured a way out.
Beckett: How, exactly?
Dr. McKay: Ah, let's see. Uh, last time, Teyla was posing as a Queen, so, um... you know, she had us released.
Beckett: Not much chance of that happening.
Dr. McKay: No, I guess not.
Beckett: How about the time before that?
Dr. McKay: Ronon's friend Tyre was pretending to be in league with the Wraith but really he was on our side so... he let us out.
Beckett: I'm startin' to sense a pattern here. You've actually never really escaped from one of these cells on your own, have you?
Dr. McKay: First time for everything, right?

Carson: So, interested in anyone these days?
Dr. McKay: Me? No I'm no-I'm (stutters).
Carson: You're a terrible liar, Dr. McKay. Tell me, tell me, tell me.

Inquisition [5.13]Edit

The Prodigal [5.14]Edit

Ronon: [a "mission report" he's recorded] "Mission report: Michael invaded Atlantis, tried to blow it up, we stopped him. End of report."

Remnants [5.15]Edit

Ronon: [Re: Woolsey] Sometimes when I walk past his quarters at night, I can hear him crying.
Dr. McKay: What...Really?
Ronon: No.

Dr. Parrish: Look at this, huh? It's a plant not unlike the begonia eiromischa!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [despairingly] Oh, God. Lorne warned me about this.

Dr. Zelenka: Come to think of it, I think it might have been those little green berries with the purple specks on them, because my tongue did seem a little bit numb afterwards ...
Dr. McKay: Yeah, FYI, this conversation ended six seconds ago.
Dr. Zelenka: Yeah, um, anyway, on the way back I had an idea.
Dr. McKay: Well, have a little lie down. It'll pass.

[Woolsey introduces Shen Xiaoyi to the technician team]
Woolsey: Hello there, Chet.
Chuck: It's Chuck.
Woolsey: Excuse me?
Chuck: It's Chuck, sir. My name is Chuck.
Woolsey: Oh, of course! Chuck. Chet's on the late shift.
Chuck: [after Woolsey leaves, irritated] There is no Chet!

Dr. McKay: You realize it's highly unlikely you're actually gonna find anything?
Dr. Zelenka: Well, then I will have wasted an hour of my time and you'll be able to tell me "I told you so." If, on the other hand, I do find something, perhaps they'll name something after me for a change. [he exits]
[Rodney pauses for a few seconds]
Dr. McKay: [going after Zelenka] Wait!

Dr. McKay: Neat.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: "Neat"?!
Dr. McKay: Yeah well, she caught me off guard, what did you want me to say? What would you have said?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Uh, "Weird."

Brain Storm [5.16]Edit

Dr. McKay: I'm Doctor Rodney McKay! Difficult takes seconds, impossible, a few minutes!
[Bill Nye, in the background, turns and looks at McKay, annoyed]

[McKay is trying to disengage from a conversation with Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Dr. McKay: We'd better go get our seats.
[McKay and Dr. Keller leave. Tyson and Nye turn to watch them go]
Neil Tyson: No way they're dating.
[Bill Nye makes a noise of agreement]
Bill Nye: [to Tyson, referring to Dr. Keller] You're married, so...Dibs.
[Bill Nye makes an appreciative sound while looking off-screen, obviously at Dr. Keller's butt]

Receptionist: I'll just need you both to sign this non-disclosure and confidentiality agreement. [he heaves two thick documents onto the counter in front of McKay and Keller with a "thud"]
Dr. McKay: Oh, you're not serious.
Receptionist: [sharply] Is there a problem, sir?
Dr. McKay: This whole thing is a confidentiality agreement?!
Receptionist: [again, sharply] Yes, sir.
Dr. McKay: What could he possibly be doing back there that needs to be kept two hundred pages secret?!
Receptionist: If you want to go inside, sir, you need to sign the agreement.
Dr. McKay: Dinosaurs?
Receptionist: Excuse me?
Dr. McKay: Do they have living dinosaurs back there? Because I'll sign this if he's brought dinosaurs back to life, but short of that he's out of his mind if he thinks I'm gonna pretend that whatever discovery he has made is so important and so secret that I have to sign the unabridged works of William Shakespeare here.
Dr. Keller: [holds up her pen, with measured patience] Juuuuuust sign it.
[McKay takes the pen from Keller sheepishly]
Dr. McKay: [to the receptionist] You're lucky the lady's here.
[Dr. Keller looks at McKay, looking somewhat exasperated]

Dr. McKay: Neil likes to steal things from me – things like women and theoretical physics ideas.
Tyson: Yeah, but who hasn't stolen an idea from the great Rodney McKay?!
Dr. McKay: Oh, so we admit it now!
Bill Nye: See, back in the day whenever any one of these people came up with a new idea or published a new paper, Doctor McKay here would swear that he was already working on something very similar; just hadn't gotten around to publishing it yet.
Tyson: He'd say things like, "I was about to say that very same thing," or "I was just about to have that same idea"!
Dr. McKay: Hey, at least I didn't declassify Pluto from planet status. Way to make all the little kids cry, Neil. That make you feel like a big man?

[McKay has just told Tunney that he's going to rescue Dr. Keller. As a result, Tunney is going to have to implement McKay's plan for solving the crisis.]
Dr. McKay: Last time I checked, you were claiming to be a genius. I already gave you the plan!
Malcolm Tunney: ...Plan full of holes!
Dr. McKay: So, fill them!
Malcolm Tunney: But what I run into a problem?
Dr. McKay: Then work around it!
Malcolm Tunney: [heisitates, then, in a small voice] You're smarter than me.
[pause]
Dr. McKay: I know. [he leaves]
Malcolm Tunney: [Yelling after McKay] McKay!
[There is no answer from McKay]
Malcolm Tunney: [in a panic, returning to the control console] Gaah! This is outrageous! Just when we need him most, he puts this on me, and I'm supposed to...
[Bill Nye grabs Tunney by his lapels, then slaps him across the face]
Bill Nye: Man up!

[Tunney's space-time bridge experiment has gone awry and can't be shut down, causing the test facility to cool to near-freezing. We see a man in a wheelchair from behind. He has obviously been talking with Bill Nye]
Stephen Hawking-esque mechanical voice: We get it. It works. Shut it down. I'm starting to freeze to my chair.

Infection [5.17]Edit

Todd: I did not think you would come.
Ronon: What are friends for?

Identity [5.18]Edit

Neeva: [Referring to McKay] He complains a lot.
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Only when he's awake.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Alright Chewie, start tracking.
Ronon: Yeah, I'm on it.

Vegas [5.19]Edit

Dr. McKay: I suppose it all sounds like science fiction to you.
Detective Sheppard: I'm not really a fan.

Dr. McKay: I know you'll probably think this sounds ridiculous, but a...little while ago we accidentally opened a rift in space-time. Went through to an alternate version of reality, very similar to ours in many ways. Met a team much like the one I work with, only you were the leader. You were a hero...saved the world several times over.
Detective Sheppard: Doesn't sound much like me.
Dr. McKay: I don't think there's much difference between you and that other John Sheppard I met. It's amazing how one incident can entirely alter the course of your life. Still...I like to believe you have the same strength of character. That's why I told you the truth.

Todd: [poetry] Fish in a pond, busy, busy. Lot's to do here and there. [...] Dry as a desert outside, no place to go. [...] Eat up. Get stronger. Think and hope, think and hope. Don't look now! Oh, keep dreaming...There must be some other reason for your insistence. [...] Defiance tastes like life itself. No river, no water, dry as a desert. Darkness all around...The harvest moon is rising...Wraith are never ending. I know the future. Come inside! I’ll show you your destiny, John Sheppard...

[While discussing where the Wraith could be located]
Dr. Zelenka: He could have abandoned whatever resources he had and just gone into hiding.
Dr. McKay: [sarcastically] Oh yes, he probably got a job as a Klingon at Star Trek: The Experience.
Woolsey: That shut down.
Dr. Zelenka: Really? Damn, I wanted to see that.

Enemy at the Gate [5.20]Edit

Lt. Col: Sheppard: [to Todd] If I find out you're playing us, I'm not gonna wait for authorization, there isn't gonna be any paperwork. I'm just gonna kill you.

Woolsey: You're being asked to fly to another galaxy...to take - what might turn out to be the losing part - in a battle that isn't yours.
Ronon: You mean like everyone on this base has been doing for the past five years?
Teyla: Thank you for your consideration, Mr. Woolsey, but I assure you it is not necessary.
Ronon: We're not goin' anywhere.
Woolsey: [proudly] Very well.

Lt. Col: Sheppard: [on radio] Stargate Command, this is Sheppard.
Col. Carter: [on radio] Sheppard, where are you?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [on radio] I made it inside. Look, I don't have much time until this place is swarming with Wraith so... I'm arming the nuke.
Dr. McKay: What did he say, nuke?!
Col. Carter: [on radio] John-
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [on radio] Just do me a favor, when Atlantis shows up... tell 'em I say goodbye.
Dr. McKay: Sheppard, this is McKay! Look, stop what you're doing, NOW!!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: McKay?!
Dr. McKay: Yes, it's me! I've got Lorne, I've got Teyla, we're on board the hive!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: [confused] What?! But... how?
Dr. McKay: Look, it's a long story, just... Important thing is, if you're about to do what I think you're gonna do, DON'T!
[later they meet up]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: You guys are the last people I expected on this ship!
Dr. McKay: Same here.

Wraith: I restored your life, human, and mended your wound.
Ronon: That was real nice of you...
Wraith: Now you will answer my questions. How many humans are on my ship? [Ronon doesn't answer, the Wraith pushes it's heel into his wound] Where are they?!
[the Wraith is shot by Sheppard]
Lt. Col. Sheppard: How you doin', Chewie?
Dr. McKay: [confused] You were dead!
Lt. Col. Sheppard: We're gonna be dead unless we get out of here!

Col. Carter: Atlantis, this is Stargate Command, do you read?
Walter: Colonel, we've been monitoring radio chatter. Several commercial vessels in the North Pacific have reported a giant fireball streaking across the sky.
Col. Carter: Atlantis, this is Stargate Command, do you read? (no response, Carter gets desperate) Atlantis, this is Stargate Command, please respond!
Woolsey: Stargate Command, this is Atlantis. Nice to hear from you again, colonel.
Col. Carter: Mr. Woolsey, you gave us quite a scare!
Woolsey: Sorry about that. We've completed our reentry and as far as I can tell, we're still in one piece. Dr. Beckett thinks he can bring us in above water, but you might want to alert the navy - it's gonna be close.
Col. Carter: Understood.
Mj. Davis: We are tracking them again! We should be able to project coordinates for splashdown.
Col. Carter: Walter, you better get me the President. It looks like Atlantis is coming home...

Dr. Keller: [to Rodney] You OK?
Dr. McKay: I'm alive. [Keller laughs] And I've got you, what else would I need?
Lt. Col. Sheppard: Nice view.
Woolsey: Yes...yes it is.


CzechEdit

Radek Zelenka's frequent bursts of Czech are very popular among Stargate fans who speak the language.

Thirty-Eight Minutes [1.04]Edit

Zelenka: Můžeš mi dát ty nejnovější data, prosim? Já se s tímhle nemůžu hnout. - Please, could you give me the latest data? I can’t seem to solve this.

Zelenka: Ne, tak aspoň, aspoň tři mi dej. - No. Give me at least, at least three.

Zelenka: To je ono, my to máme. - That is it, we have it.

The Brotherhood [1.16]Edit

Zelenka: Ježiši, já s těma hercema nemůžu dělat - Jesus, I can't work with these actors.

Letters from Pegasus [1.17]Edit

Zelenka: Na dně moře máme „fail safe“ , mechanismus. Obrovskou silou vytrhl kotvu města ze dna oceánu. My jsme.. Zhrozili jsme jsme.. Zhrozili jsme se. Neuvěřitelný, co se to děje a ten hluk; celé město se třáslo jako při zemětřesení. To bylo něco neuvěřitelnýho. A najednou... se hneme. Celé město stoupalo. Stoupalo nahoru, nahoru k hladině. To, to bylo něco neuvěřitelnýho a a a a a věže prorazily hladinu a vyjeli jsme nahoru nahoru a vody, vlny, vodopády, všechno teče z těch vejšek. A my... vystřelili jsme nahoru, úplně, úplně na vršek.. Slunce.... Sluníčko, prostě.... proudilo do všech oken. Do smrti, do smrti na to nezapomenu. - On the bottom of the sea we have a failsafe mechanism. It pulled up the anchor of the city from the bottom of the sea with great force. We.... we were.... we were scared. That was incredible, what happened? And that noise. The whole city was shaking, it was like an earthquake. That was so incredible. And then we were moving. The whole city was rising. It was rising up, rising up to the ocean surface. It was, it was really incredible and the towers broke through the surface. We were going up. Water, waves, waterfalls were falling down from the heights. And we... we were shot up, right to the top. Sun... just shine... It was shining through all the windows. I'll remember it for the rest of my life... for the rest of my life.

Zelenka: Drž se, miláčku. - Take care, honey.

Duet [2.04]Edit

Zelenka: No jo... Tak jo děcka, do toho, jdeme, jdeme, jdeme, musíme tohle dodělat, pojdte už, honem! - Yeah... Okay kids, come on, go go go, we have to finish it, come on, move on!

Critical Mass [2.13]Edit

Zelenka: Ty vole "Say hi to the kids for me", já ti dám, ty seš takovej vůl. - You idiot, 'Say hi to the kids for me' , you're gonna get it from me, you're such an idiot.

Grace Under Pressure [2.14]Edit

Zelenka: Do prdele, to je na hovno tohle to, kdo to vymyslel že budeme pod vodou tentokrát? -"For cryin' out loud", this sucks. We're gonna be under water this time - whose idea was that?

No Man's Land [3.01]Edit

Zelenka: I am trying, do prdele! ("Do prdele!" is a very impolite expression of anger and frustration. It literally means, "into the ass".)

Irresistible [3.03]Edit

Zelenka: To je frajer teda, to je... - That's a cool guy, heh, that is...

Zelenka: On letí, on tak krásně letí... - He's flying, he's flying so beautifully...

McKay and Mrs. Miller [3.08]Edit

Alternate McKay: Měj se. - Take care.

Echoes [3.12]Edit

Zelenka: Zaplať pánbůh. - Thank goodness.

Doppelganger [4.04]Edit

Zelenka: Vždycky jsem to já kdo to musí udělat. - It's always me who has to do this.

Quarantine [4.13]Edit

Zelenka: I'll have the power off in no time. Ježiš, to je neuvěřitelný, já jsem takovej debil! Si bude myslet, že jsem naprostej idiot. (peeps in) Nó, tak co mně zbejvá, no... Tohleto né...(groaning) Se sem nevejdu...fuj to smrdí! (looks down) Ježišmarija... (looks around) Jéžiš, to snad né... - I'll have the power off in no time. Jesus, that's unbelievable, I'm SUCH a moron! She'll think I'm a total idiot. (peeps in) Well, what else should I do? No, not this again...(groaning) Don't fit here...ugh, this place stinks! (looks down) Jesus Christ... (looks around) Oh tell me it's not happening!

TaglinesEdit

  • A new gate will open. A lost city will rise again.

See alsoEdit

External linksEdit

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