Last modified on 15 January 2014, at 18:45

South Park/Season 1

This is a section of the page South Park.

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (1.01)Edit

Chef: [gets out of his car] Hello there, children!
Boys: Hey, Chef!
Stan: What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
Chef: Well, today, it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green-bean casserole or vegetable medley.
Cartman: Kick ass. :P

Stan: Yeah, whatever, you fat bitch.
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said, I have a bad itch.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh.

Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby!
Kyle: Kick the baby.
[kicks Ike across the street, knocking over a row of mailboxes]

Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: [shouts] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said, "Rabbits eat lettuce".
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.

Kyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up Stan. Let's go look for the visitors, now.
Stan: But her note said she'd be here.
[Wendy appears out of nowhere]
Wendy: Hi, Stan. [Stan sees Wendy then throws up] Eww!
Kyle: You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.
Wendy: But why Stan?
[Stan tries to hold on, but he vomits instead]
Wendy: Eww!

[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]
Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.

Kyle: [speaking to aliens] V-visitors? This morning you took my brother, Ike. [sad, dramatice music begins playing] He's a little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today: That having a little brother is a pretty special thing. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me...it sure would make my life brighter again. [turns back to aliens]
Stan: That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle: Did it work?
Stan: No. They're leaving.
Kyle: Hey, you scrawny ass s***! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of f***ing asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Kyle: You know what you f***ers like?! You like to [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep]!
Stan: Hey Wendy, what's a beep?

Stan: Thanks for your help, Wendy.
Wendy: Whatever, dude.
Stan: Hey, I didn't throw up.
Wendy: Cool!
[She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and romantic music plays. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy]
[Stan vomits Wendy right to her face]
Wendy: Eww!
Stan: Sorry.

Weight Gain 4000 (1.02)Edit

Cartman: Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof. Beefcake! Beefcake!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?

Tough Guy: Get some today, and say with me – Beefcake!
Cartman: Beefcake.
Tough Guy: BEEFCAKE!!
Cartman: Beefcake!
Tough Guy/Cartman: BEEEFFCAAAAAKE!!!
Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.

Kyle: Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.
Cartman: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.
Kyle: You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!
Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!
Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street, people go "Goddamn it, that's a big fat ass!"
Cartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling!
Man: Goddamn, that's a big fat ass!
Cartman: Hey!!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Stan: Dolphins don't live in igloos! That's Eskimos!
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.

Stan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise!

Stan: That's impossible! Cartman wouldn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!
Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!

Volcano (1.03)Edit

Jimbo: Okay, each of you young'uns take a gun, a beer, and some smokes.
Cartman: Hey! I didn't get a gun! [Jimbo gives a rifle to Cartman] Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam.
Stan: You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman!
Ned: Were you stationed in Da Nang?
Stan: Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned, you can't believe anything he says.
Cartman: Hey! I'll blow your friggin' head off!
Jimbo: Hey, look out, son, that's dangerous! You're gonna spill your beer!

Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.
Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.
Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Jimbo: No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree-hugger!
Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!

Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr Garrison, if you would, please?

[Garrison turns on the movie projector to watch a 1952 training video called Lava and You.]

Instructor: Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress—and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried—but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane—duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]
Barbrady: Okay, any questions?
Chef: That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!
Barbrady: That's enough outta you!

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride (1.04)Edit

Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

[During football practice, with Stan as quarterback and Chef coaching]
Stan: Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut -
Chef: HIKE THE DAMN BALL!!

[Meanwhile at Middle Park Elementary...]

Jimbo: Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.
Ned: Okay. [They climb over the fence and encounter...]
Jimbo: Hello, Enrique.
Ned: What are we doing here?
Jimbo: Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. [Enrique starts to tremble. Jimbo and Ned laugh victoriously] Goddamn, I love football.

An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig (1.05)Edit

Mrs. Crabtree: Wait! What's that thing?! [referring to the elephant]
Kyle: Oh, this is the new retarded kid.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.

Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her "Shelley, you're my sister and I love you."
Kenny (muffled): And I want to see you handling your breasts.
Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!

[Kyle's elephant and Cartman's pig get ready to make love]
Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.
[The pig is heard squealing loudly]
Stan: Ahh, suck!
Cartman: Fluffy!
Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.

Cartman: If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, "Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on your dad's bed!!!"
(the trio stare at Cartman in stunned silence)
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

News broadcaster: It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually 8-year-old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his hometown, the little boy replied, "Me Stan, bachump, ba-chewy-chump, ba-chewy-chump." Back to you in the studio.

Death (1.06)Edit

Randy: How does it feel to be 102, Paps?
Grampa: Shoot me!
Sharon: Make a wish, Grampa!
Grampa: I wish I were dead!
Randy (chuckles): That's our silly Grampa.
Grampa: I'm not being silly: shoot me! I'd do it myself, but I'm too damn old!

Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.
Cartman: That's a load of crap. Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!

Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.
Grampa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, lemme tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!
Cartman (shocked): What?!
Grampa: That's right!
Stan: Grampa!
Grampa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.
Cartman: Hey!
Grampa: Choice piece of ass, your great-grandma.
Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
Grampa: That's the spirit, Tubby!

Stan: Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like assisted suicide?
[pause]
Jesus: My son, I wouldn't touch that with a sixty-foot pole.
Stan: [hangs up] God damn it!
Jesus: I heard that!

Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.

Protester: Look, it's the president of the network!
President: Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is John Horsoff. I have prepared a speech on behalf of the network. Fuck you!
[pause]
President: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there.

Enya-style music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky! Come and fly, take a ride--
Stan: This music is terrible! It's cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!
Grampa: Now you know what's it's like to be old!

Pink Eye (1.07)Edit

[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog]
Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?
Coroner #2: I don't know, it just--it just makes everything taste so English.

Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan, Howdy Doody?
Stan: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, Mr. Cartman.
Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty cool. [he laughs along with Kyle]
Kyle: Sissy.
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all pissed off!

Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!

Cartman: I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking.
Stan: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
Kenny: oblivious to Cartman's statement
Cartman: I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?!?!
Kenny: oblivious
Cartman: exasperated Kenny! Your family's poor, Kenny! Your family's poor!
Cartman: I don't like Kenny anymore, h-he just doesn't communicate.

Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually--
Mayor: Well I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.

Cartman: Go back to Endor, you stupid Wookiee!
Kyle: Wookiees don't live on Endor.

Cartman: [daydreaming while watching a video, imagining himself to be Adolf Hitler] You gotta respect my authora-tah!

Chef: [talking to Cartman who's dressed like a KKKlansman] Remind me to whoop your ass good next time I see you.

Chef: [imitating Michael Jackson's Thriller video clip]
I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead.
My body might get cold, but it's always hot in bed!
Make love, don't you be afraid!
Just because my heart ain't beating, doesn't mean you won't get laid!

Damien (1.08)Edit

Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fatass too!
Cartman: That's right!
[Cartman realizes he's been insulted]
Cartman: AY!


Cartman: Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoop! Shoved it up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.


Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?
Damien: The seventh layer of hell!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.


Pip: Oh, good day, Damien. My name is Phillip, but everyone calls me Pip, because they hate me.
Damien: Then I will call you Pip.
Pip: Right-o.


Damien: Everybody hates me.
Mr. Mackey: Well, uh, why do you suppose that is?
Damien: Because I'm the son of the devil.
Mr. Mackey: Uh-huh, that's a good start. Why else?
Damien: Because I... burn and kill them?


Stan: Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.
Cartman: (Damien approaches) Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
Damien: I a-pologise for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.

[Cartman farts beside him.]

Cartman: Oh! Excuse me, new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice.

[Damien looks angry enough to burst a blood vessel, but he does nothing.]

Stan: Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.
Kyle: Yeah, we're gonna call you fart-boy from now on.

[Damien walks away from them.]

Stan: Bye bye, fart-boy!
Kyle: See you!
Pip: Good day, how are you, Damien?
Damien: Those guys farted on me, and then called me...
Pip: Fart-boy? Oh, good! Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.


Cartman: Ants in the Pants?! ANTS IN THE PANTS?!
Kyle: It's a game, Dude. It's really fun.
Cartman: You son of a bitch! You were supposed to get me red megaman! Now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ass piece of crap!
Kyle: They were all out of them, Dude!
Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die!

[After Cartman yells and kicks everyone out.]

Damien: Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.
Stan: Ah, he does this all the time.


Damien: (Sadly) Well, goodbye guys. It was nice getting to know you.
Stan: You're leaving already?
Damien: I have to. My Dad's always on the move.

[He walks away sadly.]

Stan: Wow, I feel kinda bad for that kid.
Kyle: Yeah, just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.
Stan: Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realise what a child needs more than anything is security?

Starvin' Marvin (1.09)Edit

Cartman: Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot pie!
Stan: Cartman, you butt pipe! This is the time of year you're supposed to share!
Cartman: Oh yeah! Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler, Starvin' Marvin? Aw, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, neh? Neh, neh, neh?

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.
[Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]

Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.
Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (1.10)Edit

Mr. Hankey: How-dy-ho!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
Sheila: How about the Dreidel song, boobie?
Kyle: I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.
Mr. Garrison: The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?
Kyle: [singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, he loves me and I love...
Stan: Christmas poo?
Cartman: What the hell is Christmas poo?!
Kyle: Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?
Sheila: Kyle, that is enough!
Mr. Garrison: See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.
Sheila: Now that does it! I am going straight to the mayor about you Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, wait, wait. I'm sorry, was it the pagan remark?

Mr. Garrison: The new law states, can't sing any songs having to Jesus or Santa Claus.
Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: So anybody knows any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas song.
[Cartman raises his hand]
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
Cartman: How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor.
Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

Tom's Rhinoplasty (1.11)Edit

Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!
Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!
Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.
Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamn father!

Mr. Garrison: I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks!

Wendy: Stan, we're still Valentines, right?
Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.

Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan.
Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Wendy: [flips her off] Don't fuck with me!
Ms. Ellen: What?!
Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch or I'll whoop your sorry ho-ass back to last year! [sweetly] Bye, Ms. Ellen!

Wendy: I told her, Don't.... Fuck... with.... Wendy... Testaburger!!!!!!

Mecha-Streisand (1.12)Edit

Barbra Streisand: You know who I am?
Officer Barbrady: Well you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass!
Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger]
Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!

Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!
Jesus: Our savior!

Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure sucked.
Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.
Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.
Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!

Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut (1.13)Edit

Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hun.
Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh.
Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Mrs. Cartman: Yes?
[long pause]
Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question, hun?
Cartman: Goddammit, do I have a dad?!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh!
Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
Cartman: Uh-huh...
Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
[long pause]
Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?

Mrs. Crabtree: COME ON! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!
Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said we're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
Mrs. Crabtree: [calmly] Oh. Alright then. [drives off]
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.

Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.
Mrs. Cartman: "Oh Chief, I want your hot man-chowder."
Chief Running Water: Whoah, Hell-o!

Cartman: More tea, Rumpertumskin?
Rumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
Clyde Frog: I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
Cartman: AY!

Chief Running Water: I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans call "bear with wiiiide canyon."
Cartman: Huh?
Chief Running Water: She is "doe who cannot keep legs together."
Cartman: What?
Chief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.
Cartman: Hey!

Cartman: I was just hanging out in the SPC, kicking it with some homies on the Westsa-eed-eh.
Kyle: Cartman, you live on the east side!

Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Narrator: Is it Jimbo?
Jimbo: Daaagh!
Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
Narrator: Or could it be Ned?
Ned: Could be.
Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?
Kyle: Dad, how could you?!
Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!