- You can't make an omelette without breaking an egg
- Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
- What do you think you are doing to that girl, putting on the millionaire act, and where did you get that phoney accent from? (mocks Joe's Cary Grant impression) Nobody talks like that.
Sugar Kane KowalczykEdit
- I'm not very bright, I guess...just dumb. If I had any brains, I wouldn't be on this crummy train with this crummy girls' band...I used to sing with male bands but I can't afford it anymore...That's what I'm running away from. I worked with six different ones in the last two years. Oh, brother!...I can't trust myself. I have this thing about saxophone players, especially tenor sax...I don't know what it is, they just curdle me. All they have to do is play eight bars of 'Come to Me, My Melancholy Baby' and my spine turns to custard. I get goose pimply all over and I come to 'em...every time... That's why I joined this band. Safety first. Anything to get away from those bums...You don't know what they're like. You fall for 'em and you really love 'em - you think this is gonna be the biggest thing since the Graf Zeppelin - and the next thing you know, they're borrowing money from you and spending it on other dames and betting on horses...Then one morning you wake up, the guy is gone, the saxophone's gone, all that's left behind is a pair of old socks and a tube of toothpaste, all squeezed out. So you pull yourself together. You go on to the next job, the next saxophone player. It's the same thing all over again. You see what I mean? Not very bright...I can tell you one thing - it's not gonna happen to me again - ever. I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
- Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!
- Osgood: [to elevator operator] All right, driver, once around the park, slowly, and keep your eyes on the road.
- Spats Colombo: [to young gangster tossing a coin] Where d'ya learn that cheap trick?
- The youngster is imitating the role of George Raft (the actor who played Spats) in Scarface.
- Jerry: [breaks down into tears] Oh, why did I ever let you talk me into this?
- Joe: Why are you even speaking to me about it?
- Jerry: I just don't have a good feeling about this.
- Joe: Oh, come on! What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
- Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?
- Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
- Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?
- Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
- Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
- Sig Poliakoff: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye!
- Joe: What are you looking for — hunchbacks or something?
- Sig Poliakoff: Oh, it's not the backs that worry me...
- Jerry: Well, then, what is it then?
- Joe: Yeah! What kind of a band is this, anyway?
- Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five...
- Jerry: Oh, we could pass for that!
- Sig Poliakoff: ..you gotta be blonde...
- Jerry: We could dye our hair!
- Sig Poliakoff: ...and you gotta be girls.
- Jerry: We could—!
- Joe: No, we couldn't!
- Jerry: Have I got things to tell you!
- Joe: What happened?
- Jerry: I'm engaged.
- Joe: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?
- Jerry: I am!
- Joe: WHAT?!
- Jerry: Osgood proposed to me! We're planning a June wedding.
- Joe: What are you talking about? You can't marry Osgood.
- Jerry: Why, you think he's too old for me?
- Joe: Jerry, you can't be serious.
- Jerry: Why not? He keeps marrying girls all the time.
- Joe: But, you're not a girl! You're a guy, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy?
- Jerry: For security! Look, I know there's a problem, Joe.
- Joe: I'll say there is.
- Jerry: His mother - we need her approval, but I'm not worried because I don't smoke.
- Joe: Jerry. There's another problem, like what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?
- Jerry: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I'm kinda leaning toward Niagra Falls.
- Joe: My God.
- Jerry: I don't expect it to last Joe. I'll tell him when the time's right.
- Joe: Like when?
- Jerry: Like right after the ceremony. Then we get a quick annulment, he makes a nice little settlement on me and I keep getting those alimony checks every month.
- Joe: Jerry listen to me there are laws, conventions. It's just not been done.
- Jerry: Joe this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire.
- Joe: Oh, Jerry — Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
- Jerry: I'm a boy.
- Joe: That's the boy.
- Jerry: I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
- Joe: What engagement present?
- Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.
- Joe: [examining it] Hey, these are real diamonds!
- Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
- Jerry: Now you've done it! Now you have done it!
- Joe: Done what?
- Jerry: You tore off one of my chests!
- Osgood: I called Mama. She was so happy she cried! She wants you to have her wedding gown. It's white lace.
- Daphne: Yeah, Osgood. I can't get married in your mother's dress. Ha ha. That-she and I, we are not built the same way.
- Osgood: We can have it altered.
- Daphne: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
- Osgood: Why not?
- Daphne: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
- Osgood: Doesn't matter.
- Daphne: I smoke! I smoke all the time!
- Osgood: I don't care.
- Daphne: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.
- Osgood: I forgive you.
- Daphne: [Tragically] I can never have children!
- Osgood: We can adopt some.
- Daphne/Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! [Whips off his wig, exasperated, and changes to a manly voice.] Uhhh, I'm a man!
- Osgood: [Looks at him then turns back, unperturbed]: Well, nobody's perfect!
- Note: the bolded line is ranked #48 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.
- The movie too HOT for words!
- Marilyn Monroe and her bosom companions
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