Smokey and the Bandit is a 1977 film about a former thrillseeking trucker's attempt to bootleg a truckload of beer to settle a bet, and a small town Texas sheriff's attempts to stop him on behalf of his jilted son.
- Directed by Hal Needham. Written by Hal Needham, Robert L. Levy, James Lee Barrett, Charles Shyer and Alan Mandel.
Sheriff Buford T. JusticeEdit
- Now, you boys just stay here and watch the car- might vandals around, wanna steal somethin'. So you boys just stay here and keep your hands on the car until one of my associates arrive. And don't go home. And don't go to eat. And don't play with yourself. Wouldn't look nice on my highway. You can think about it, but dooon't do it.
- She insulted my town! She insulted my son! [Junior starts to say something] Shaddup! She insulted my authority! And that's nothin' but plain and simple old-fashioned communism. Happens every time one of those dancers starts poon-tangin' around with those show-folk fags! I can see her now... runnin' back up that aisle. No, she was dancin' back up the aisle. Her knockers bouncin' all over the joint. Her ass was wigglin' too!
- My handle is Smokey Bear, and I'm tail-grabbin' yo' ass right now!
- Apology accepted. Now, [a truck passes by, blowing its air horn] off.
- [to his son] There's no way, no way that you came from my loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth.
- [after trying to pass Snowman and failing] What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
- [Last lines in the film] I'm not givin' up! I'm not givin' up!
Bo "the Bandit" DarvilleEdit
- [to Big and Little Enos] Oh, I love your suits. It must be a bitch finding suits size 68 extra fat and a 12 dwarf.
- [On why he's going to make the run to Texas and back] For the money, for the glory, and for the fun. Mostly for the money.
- [Carrie is hyperly saying she wants to jump something in the car] Oh, jump me.
- [Over radio to Sheriff Justice] I can't lie to you, Sheriff. You're too good a man.
Cletus "The Snowman" SnowEdit
- [To his dog] Hold on to ya ass, Fred.
- [Talking over CB radio] Hey, you got peanut butter in your ears or somethin'? Tell me what that woman's got on! (Pause) Her mind? (Laughs ecstatically)
- We just gonna introduce 'em to the boy!
- I'm eastbound and down.
- [Writing out note for beer] Send... bill... to... Big... Enos... Burdette. (Trans-Am drives away) Burdette.. B... B-U-R... B-E-R... B... (Throws notepad aside) Hell, I got to go.
- Junior: [Chasing after his father, who is driving after the Bandit] Who's gonna hold your hat?!
- Bandit: Now, you want me to drive to Texarkana, pick up 400 cases of Coors and come back in 28 hours. No problem.
- Little Enos: It ain't never been done before, hot shit.
- Bandit: You watch your language, little lady. The problem here, is that Coors beer, you take that east of Texas and that's uh, that's bootlegging.
- Little Enos: You know I think you're just a little bit scared.
- Bandit: That's GREAT psychology. Why don't you say something bad about my mother?
- Little Enos: Yo' mamma is so ugly...
- Sheriff Justice: Nobody... Nobody makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker!
- Junior: Except for that-
- Sheriff Justice: Shut yo' ass...
- [A funeral procession has succeeded in blocking Sheriff Justice's progress, allowing the Bandit to escape]
- Junior: Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?
- Sheriff Justice: If they'd have cremated the sumbitch, I'd be kickin' that Mr. Bandit's ass around the moon by now!
- Deputy Sheriff: Did you see that? They went right through our road block!
- Sheriff Justice: You sumbitches couldn't close an umbrella.
- Sheriff Branford: Did you say that you are a sheriff?
- Sheriff Justice: That's a big ten-four! This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice, of Texas!
- Sheriff Branford: Texas? You realize of course that you are out of your jurisdiction? I suggest that you let my department handle the situation.
- Sheriff Justice: That's very comfortin'. But I'm in high speed pursuit! Don't you hear good?
- Sheriff Branford: I hear perfectly. The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.
- Sheriff Justice: The god damn Germans got nothin' to do with it!
- Junior: What'd he say?
- Sheriff Justice: [cutting him off] Shut up! One shit at a time!
- Junior: All right.
- [a truck driver has sheared a door off of Sheriff Justice's patrol car]
- Buford T. Justice: I saw that, you sumbitch! You did that on purpose! You're goin' away till you're gray! I got the evidence! [speaks to Junior] Put the evidence in the car.
- Junior: But Daddy...
- Buford T. Justice: Put the evidence in the car! [shouting to trucker again, who is long out of earshot] I'm gonna barbeque yo' ass in molasses!
[Eventually, Justice turns back to his damaged car; Junior has obediently taken the broken-off door and sat in the passenger seat with the door in his lap.]
- Buford T. Justice: Put the evidence in the back. [Junior struggles to put it in the back, Buford stares at him for several moments in exasperation] There is no way, no way, that you could come from my loins. Soon as I get home, the first thing I'm gonna do is punch your momma in the mouth.
- Carrie: Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly. We were together, oh, eight-and-a-half days. God, I really thought that was it.
- Bandit: And?
- Carrie: One day, I came home and found him in the shower... with a girl... and her mother!
- Bandit: Well, at least he kept it in the family.
- Junior: Daddy, my hat blew off!
- Sheriff Justice: I hope your God damn head was in it!
- [Bandit picks up CB radio]
- Bandit: Cletus?
- Snowman: Talk to me, m'boy!
- Bandit: Goddamn it, son, we gave it our best shot. I don't like it any more than you do, but... we ain't gonna make it, son. We're gonna hang it up.
- Snowman: WHOA! Negatory, negatory, what're you, crazy or something?! We come this far, ain't we?! LOOK, WHEN WE SAY WE GONNA DO A JOB, WE GONNA DO A JOB!
- Bandit: It's me they after! They don't even know Cletus Snow exists!
- Snowman: Oh, they don't? Well, I tell you what we gonna do! (Laughs) We just gonna introduce 'em to the boy. So move over a bit, good buddy, 'cause the Snowman is coming through! [hangs up. To Fred the dog] Hold on to your ass, Fred.
- [Bandit and company encounter Sheriff Justice on their way from the fairgrounds]
- Bandit: [through CB radio] Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please.
- Sheriff Justice: Who there?
- Bandit: This is "Bandit" Darville talkin'.
- Sheriff Justice: Where are you, you sumbitch?
- Bandit: Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon dog. I've been chased by the best of them, and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion. I just wanna say that.
- Sheriff Justice: Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you're the goddamnedest pursuee I've ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, [shouting angrily] where are you, you sumbitch?!
- Bandit: Well, I'm right down at the bottom of the hill, Sheriff. I'm about six-foot-eight, in a cowboy outfit, got a little pygmy standing right beside me dressed just like me. You can't miss me. 10-4.
- [Sheriff Justice looks down the hill; Bandit has a change of heart and decides to reveal his true identity]
- Bandit: You know what? Scratch that. I can't lie to you, Sheriff; you're too good a man. Look over your left shoulder.
- Sheriff Justice: [looking over his shoulder, taking on a shocked expression upon seeing the Bandit] Oof!
- Bandit: We're on our way to Boston to pick up some clam chowder. Bye-bye!!
[The Bandit drives away in Big Enos' Cadillac; Justice begins to follow, his car now a barely-driveable wreck.]
- Sheriff Justice: [Shouting furiously] I'm not givin' up! I'm not givin' up!
- Junior: [Running after his father] Daddy, don't leave me! Who's gonna hold your hat?
- What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
- Time to take to the road, for a quiet little drive in the country...or not.
- Hold up on that carwash there, gentlemen. (to boys stripping Carrie's car)