Silicon Valley (TV series)

Silicon Valley (2014-2019) is a 2014 HBO television comedy series that centers on six programmers who are living together and trying to make it big in Silicon Valley. The program is created by Mike Judge, John Altschuler and Dave Krinsky.

Season 1 edit

Minimum Viable Product [1.01] edit

[first spoken lines]

Kid Rock: (yelling) Whoo! Somebody make some fucking noise in here! (quieter) fuck these people

Dinesh: What the hell are you eating?

Gilfoyle: Liquid Shrimp. It's 200 dollars a quart. Wylie Dufresne made it.

Dinesh: How does it taste?

Gilfoyle: Like how I would imagine cum tastes.

Erlich: You guys taking it all in? Because this is what it looks like when Google acquires your company for over 200 million dollars.

Javeed - Goolybib founder: Hello! Whoo! I got seven words for you: I love Goolybib's integrated multi platform functionality! Yeah! Whoo!... ! But seriously, you know, a few days ago, when we were sitting down with Barack Obama, I turned to these guys and said, "OK, you know, we're making a lot of money. And yes, we're disrupting digital media. But most importantly we're making the world a better place through constructing elegant hierarchies for maximum code reuse and extensibility."

Gavin: What is Hooli? Excellent question. Hooli isn't just another high tech company. Hooli isn't just about software. Hooli...Hooli is about people. Hooli is about innovative technology that makes a difference, transforming the world as we know it. Making the world a better place, through minimal message oriented transport layers. I firmly believe we can only achieve greatness if first we achieve goodness.

Peter Gregory: Gates, Ellison, Jobs, Dell. All dropped out of college. Silicon Valley is the cradle of innovation because of drop outs. College... has become a cruel expensive joke on the poor and the middle class that benefits only the perpetrators of it. The bloated administrators.

Audience Member: You are a dangerous man, spewing ignorance!

Peter Gregory: I don't think so. I'm just saying people should trust themselves more than a system that happily churns out unemployed debtors and provides dubious value.

Audience Member: The true value of a college education is intangible.

Peter Gregory: The true value of snake-oil is intangible as well.

Richard: Pied Piper is a proprietary site that lets you find out if your music is infringing on any existing copyrights. So, imagine you were a song writer, ok?

Peter Gregory: I don't think I could write a song.

Richard: Yeah, no, just imagine if you were.

Peter Gregory: I don't even think I could say, "Pied Piper is a proprietary site." <beat> Well, I just did but it wasn't easy.

Richard: I have a meeting with Gavin Belson. He wants to talk about Pied Piper.

Erlich: I own 10% of Pied Piper.

Richard: You said it was a shitty idea.

Erlich: It was a shitty idea. I'm not sure what it is now.

Gavin: It's weird. They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall, skinny white guy; short, skinny Asian guy; fat guy with a ponytail; some guy with crazy facial hair; and then an East Indian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group.

Doctor: You know, a while back, we had a guy in here in almost the exact same situation, "take the money or keep the company."

Richard: What happened?

Doctor: Well, a couple months later he was brought into the ER with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I guess he really regretted not taking that money.

Richard: He shot himself because he turned down the money?

Doctor: Yeah. Or no, he took the money. Or no. No, he did not. I don't... You know what? I don't remember. But whatever it was, he regretted it so much that he ended up shooting himself. And now he's blind.

Richard: He's blind?

Doctor: Yeah, just FYI, if you're ever gonna shoot yourself, don't hold the gun up to your temple, ok? Because that just basically just took out both of his optic nerves and then, you know, half of his face. And then his wife left him, because... you know.

Richard: Yikes.

Doctor: Right? He may have been a genius programmer but not so much in human anatomy. Or decision making, for that matter. Now he's got to live with all that and whatever terrible decision he made about the money

The Cap Table [1.02] edit

Gilfoyle: Who was this woman that you shook hands with for the first time?

Dinesh: The postman lady.

Gilfoyle: What? A woman that was a man?

Dinesh: Not a post-man lady. A lady who was a post...

Gilfoyle: Let me ask you another question. Who was the second woman you shook hands with?

Erlich: Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum, and that void is filled by other assholes, like Jared. I mean, you almost gave him shares. You need to completely change who you are, Richard. A complete Teutonic shift has to happen.

Richard: Tectonic.

Erlich: What?

Richard: A "tectonic" shift is the earth's crust moving around. "Teutonic", which is what you just said, is an ancient Germanic tribe that fought the Romans. They were originally from Scandinavia...

Erlich: Stop it! Stop it. You're being a complete tool right now. I need you to be a complete asshole.

Jared: So, um... can you kind of catch me up on what you see as your role in the company? What do you do?

Gilfoyle: What do I do? System architecture. Networking and security. No one in this house can touch me on that.

Jared: Ok, that's good to know.

Gilfoyle: But does anyone appreciate that? While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a Capella at Sarah Lawrence, I was gaining root access to NSA servers. I was one click away from starting a second Iranian revolution.

Jared: I actually went to Vassar.

Gilfoyle: I prevent cross-site scripting, I monitor for DDoS attacks, emergency database rollbacks, and faulty transaction handlings. The Internet... heard of it? Transfers half a petabyte of data every minute. Do you have any idea how that happens? All those You Porn ones and zeroes streaming directly to your shitty, little smart phone day after day? Every dipstick who shoots his pants if he can't get the new dub step Skrillex remix in under 12 seconds? It's not magic, it's talent and sweat. People like me, ensuring your packets get delivered, un-sniffed. So what do I do? I make sure that one bad config on one key component doesn't bankrupt the entire fucking company. That's what the fuck I do.

Richard: <beat> That's basically what I told him.

Richard: That was nice, guys. He heard everything.

Dinesh: That doesn't make it not true.

Gilfoyle: I mean, come on, Richard. As far as Pied Piper is concerned, he's as pointless as Mass Effect 3's multiple endings. I mean, he's a completely useless appendage and we all know it.

Articles of Incorporation [1.03] edit

Richard: Since when do we have an intern program?

Erlich: We don’t. And when Keith finds that out, it’s going to be a very valuable business lesson for him.

Gavin: If we can make your audio and video files smaller, we can make cancer smaller. And hunger. And... AIDS.

Dinesh: It looks like a guy sucking a dick, with another dick tucked behind his ear for later. Like a snack dick.

Jared: I checked with the Secretary of State website, and there's already a "Pied Piper" operating in California. So we need to change our name.

Dinesh: Thank God!

Gilfoyle: Praise the dark lord, that's great news.

Richard: No, it's not great news. We love the name Pied Piper. It's a classic fairy tale.

Jared: Well, I looked it up. It's about a predatory flutist who murders children in a cave.

Gilfoyle: It has all of that going for it, Richard, and I still hate it.

Arnold: You remind me of my son. He's got Asperger's too.

Richard: Oh, no, I don't uh...

Arnold: Probably all those pesticides they put on the crops. Well, whatever it is your business does, I don't think it's going to interfere with my irrigation company here. I'm thinking about getting in another line of work anyway. All these foreigners coming over here, putting pieces of shit like that all over the good farmland around here [points to server farm]. All so people can sit around, stare at their phones all day. Nobody jerks off to magazines any more.

Dunn: Hey, Dinesh. Dinesh. I'm on the phone with the bank and they say they need an extra form for your payroll, because of your visa?

Dinesh: Visa? What visa? I'm a fucking US citizen.

Dunn: [on phone] I have Dinesh Chugtai here, and he's pretty irate because... Oh, I see. Bertram Gilfoyle is the foreign national. Citizen of Canada. Okay, thank you.

Dinesh: You're Canadian?

Gilfoyle: Your "borders" are merely a construct. I prefer to think of myself as a citizen of the world.

Dunn: Do you mind just sending them the form so they know you're here legally?

Gilfoyle: Yes, I mind. And also I may not be. To wit, maybe you could make out my checks to cash? Or bitcoin.

Dinesh: I didn't know I was working with an illegal.

Gilfoyle: The irony.

Dinesh: You know who else is Canadian? Justin Bieber. The Hitler of music.

Dunn: Hitler played bassoon. So technically Hitler was the Hitler of music.

Erlich: Time is a sphere, and I have been reincarnated in the same time at which I exist!

Fiduciary Duties [1.04] edit

Dinesh: Richard, I'm just gonna recap for a second, um, you turned down ten million dollars to be able to develop something that you, as the head of the company, can't even describe to another human being? I say this only to motivate you

Hendriks: You know, I wish this was Roman times.

Dinesh: I would have been a slave!

Gilfoyle: There’s still time.

Flo Rida: Y'all put your hands together for my brother! The illest, the chillest, emperor of Rome, big Pete Gregory!

Peter: Thank you, Florida. Welcome to the Peter Gregory foundation's fourth annual orgy of caring. The first three were fine. I hope that you enjoy the party. There is a second bar in back where the line is much shorter. Thank you. I'm finished.

Dinesh: I half-jokingly said to Gilfoyle last night it looks like Richard’s gonna suck Erlich’s dick. But that would be reasonable compared to this.

Hendriks: I always knew I was missing something, and then when someone explained the concept of ‘game’ I remember very distinctly thinking ‘That’s what I don’t have.’

Signaling Risk [1.05] edit

Gavin: Fuck you, the audio’s still working! Audio worked a hundred fucking years ago, you fucking piece of shit!

Erlich: I’m already smiling, do you really have to paint me giving the thumbs-up? It’s gratuitous.

Waiter: Are you enjoying your asparagus, sir?

Gregory: I was never enjoying it. I was only eating it for the nutrients.

Gilfoyle:I just masturbated to heighten my focus. I have a 15-minute refractory period.

Jared: Take Dinesh and Gilfoyle. They are wasting an enormous amount of time arguing. What if we were to separate them, right? Divide their existing work space into two areas. We could put in some kind of portable barrier...

Dinesh: He's talking about cubicles!

Gilfoyle: We are not doing cubicles. No way!

Jared: No, no, no. Don't think of it as a cubicle. Just think of it as a neutral-colored enclosure, about yay-high, around your workspace.

Richard: I don't get it. Doesn't Peter Gregory want what's best for the company?

Monica: Look. I'm going to be straight with you. Peter Gregory doesn't care.

Richard: About...?

Monica: You.

Erlich: Wait. Just him or both of us?

Monica: Any of you. Pied Piper.

Richard: OK... Uh, well, then why did he back us? Does he just want to piss off Gavin Belson? He spent two hundred thousand dollars just to...

Monica: Yeah, that's nothing! Peter would spend millions just to mildly annoy Gavin. These are billionaires, Richard. Humiliating each other is worth more to them than we'll make in a lifetime.

Third Party Insourcing [1.06] edit

Doctor: I don’t know how you did it, but you essentially aged 40 years in the last seven weeks. We had a meth addict in here this morning who was biologically younger than you are, and he’s 58. MySpace guy.

Richard: The point is, I learned Ruby on Rails over a weekend when I was 17. I should be able to learn cloud, I have to.

Doctor: Can I give you my professional opinion, as your doctor? You should have taken that ten million dollars from Gavin Belson, OK? But regrets will kill ya so try not to dwell on it.

Erlich: Richard, you're a fucking rock star, OK? You just don't know cloud, this tiny, little, shitty area, which is becoming super important, and in many ways is the future of computing... That sort of went south on me, but you understand what I'm saying.

Gilfoyle: As shocking as this is... Tara is attracted to you.

Dinesh: Come again?

Gilfoyle: Yeah, freaked me out too, at first.

Dinesh: I don't like the "at first" part at all.

Dinesh: You’re probably right, she just wanted to fuck a Danish.

Proof of Concept [1.07] edit

[From outside the van on the highway]

Gilfoyle: I don't know how you read your screen in the car; it makes me sick as a dog.

Richard: I'm okay as long as I don't think about it. Besides, the presentation is tomorrow.

Gilfoyle: So if you just don't think about it, it really doesn't bother you to be staring at the screen when the car's moving and turning and you're all queasy...

[Richard sticks his head out the window and vomits]

Erlich: Gilfoyle!

Gilfoyle: See, I knew it bothers you. Fucking liar.

Gilfoyle: It's not her you're sexually attracted to, it's my code.

Dinesh: Shut the... That is the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever h...

Gilfoyle: Just face it, Dinesh, you're gay for my code, you're code gay.

Dinesh: No! No, I'm into her. Her, OK? Fuck your code!

Gilfoyle: You'd like to fuck my code, wouldn't you? Hey, would you like to masturbate to the subroutine I just wrote?

[During the presentation walkthrough]]

Erlich: ...and then I'll sort of close right here in the center with a confidence and poise that, well, they probably won't have seen up until this point. And then at that point we've got some photos that we're gonna throw up on the big screen.

Sound Tech: Photos?

Erlich: Yeah, you know, just a few. Gandhi, MLK, me as an inquisitive child...

Gilfoyle: Where the hell have you been?

Erlich: There's been some developments. You know how I fucked Melcher's old wife? I fucked his new wife too.

Richard: What?

Erlich: Don't worry, he's not gonna find out. I left way before he got back last night, and I didn't go back this morning until twenty minutes after he'd left.

Gilfoyle: You went back?

Dinesh: How many times did you fuck this woman?

Erlich: The old wife or the new wife?

Dinesh: The new wife.

Erlich: Last night or this morning?

Richard: Erlich, what were you thinking? This is kind of a big day today.

Erlich: Relax, he's not gonna find out. She's not gonna tell him.

Dinesh: How the fuck do you know that?

Erlich: Because she'd have to be crazy to tell him, and I asked her point-blank if she was crazy, and she swore to me, no, she's not crazy.

Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency [1.08] edit

[After Erlich negotiated to get a suite after being assaulted by Melcher]

Dinesh: I was already happy you got punched in the face, but now I’m super happy!

Gavin: Anyone who tells you their platform is faster than ours better have good lawyers.

Erlich: We have to act like any animal that's been cornered, acting erratically and blindly lashing out at anything around us.

Gilfoyle: Every day it feels like I’ve died and gone to hell.

Booth Worker: Oh?

Dinesh: He’s a Satanist. It’s a good thing.

[Dunn, sleep deprived and after the Hooli Nucleus presentation:]

Dunn: Instagram pivoted! Chat roulette pivoted! We're gonna pivot! [Walks away]

Dinesh: That might be the last time we see him alive.

Gavin: [being interviewed] For me, Kara, goodness, greatness, these are not simply catch phrases, but, in fact, really the intention of Hooli from the beginning...

Erlich: [interrupting] Gavin, you do not need to dignify any of this with a response! I can speak for myself. [To the camera] Erlich Bachman, Pied Piper. Was I brutally assaulted? Yes. Did Gavin Belson here have anything to do with it? Unclear. All I know is that the rumor that TechCrunch is all abuzz about is unproven.

Kara: Wait, what rumor?

Erlich: Thank you. Why would Gavin have anything to do with this? Unless he had some reason to be frightened by Pied Piper and it's superior technology? This and all other Gavin Belson rumors are unsubstantiated, okay? The alcoholism, the sexual impropriety at work, the impending crash of Hooli's stock...

Gavin: This is the most ridiculous...

Erlich: Exactly. So why repeat the lascivious details, with which all of us are undoubtedly already familiar? Guilty or not, Gavin, I stand with you.

Police Officer: Before I search, do you have any narcotics, weapons or needles?

Dunn: Yes I do. [Hands Adderall bottle to officer]

Police Officer: Adderall? This is a highly controlled substance.

Dunn: Oh, no, it's not mine. It’s for an underage kid I brought to my house.

Erlich: We’re going to win even if I have to go in there and jerk off everyone in the audience!

[ Later, as he's being interviewed ]

Erlich: Let me ask you. How fast do you think you could jerk off every guy in this room? Because I know how long it would take me. And I can prove it.

Season 2 edit

Sand Hill Shuffle [2.01] edit

Gavin: I don't know about you people, but I don't want to live in a world where someone else makes the world a better place better than we do.

Laurie: Peter Gregory is dead.

Monica: Yes, I know.

Laurie: On a personal note, his death is very sad. But on a professional level, it's untenable. I've been reviewing his files. He was pursuing a number of extremely dubious positions. Are you aware that we own a $30 million ostrich farm in Morocco, or that we are the majority stakeholders in three companies that specialize in invisibility? This box is filled with napkins covered with notes detailing Peter's conviction that genetically-modified cranberry fungus would become the next cotton.

Ross Loma Rep: Well, you see, our main concern is how you're going to achieve escape velocity on your growth rate... [Erlich chuckles] hit critical mass. I'm sorry. What... What's funny?

Erlich: It's just that painting behind you. It's awful. It looks like harlequin Kama Sutra done poorly. So, I agree, bad culture fit. I think we all just move on.

Ross Loma Rep: Look, I didn't say anything about a culture fit.

Erlich: No, I did. Okay. Well, thank you for meeting with us. We have a bunch of these things to go to, hopefully with more tasteful artwork, and your logo looks like a sideways vagina. I find that to be racist, don't you?

VC Rep: Okay, here's my concern...

Erlich: Here's my concern: who the hell picked out that shirt for you?

VC Rep: What?

Erlich: Oh, I see. With the pants, so I guess it's a whole... thing.

VC Rep: My wife picked these out.

Erlich: Then you married poorly.

Dinesh: His balls? He put his balls on the table?

Richard: Right on the table.

Jared: On purpose?

Richard: I don't see how it could be by accident.

Erlich: [Entering] Richard, I just got an email from the guys at Midland-Oak. Apparently, there is a line, and I crossed it... The line between $12 and $15 million!

Runaway Devaluation [2.02] edit

Ron LaFlamme: Did you work on Pied Piper on Hooli time or use Hooli equipment to develop it in any way - at any time, Richie?

Richard: No, and no.

Ron LaFlamme: Great. And by the way, always tell me that and tell yourself that. Because if you believe it, a jury will, too.

Richard: Oh, I... I do believe it. It's the truth.

Ron LaFlamme: Great. That one was even better than the other one. I love it. Always say it exactly like that.

Gilfoyle: Wait. Did you just say you were the cool cousin?

Dinesh: Yeah.

Gilfoyle: Please explain.

Dinesh: Well, when we were kids, I was the one getting good grades, I was the one who was planning for my future. I would bring gifts for my teachers, 'cause they worked so hard. You know, cool stuff. He was always getting in trouble, he got caught smoking opium in the tool shed, he crashed my uncle's motorbike.

Gilfoyle: And you think you're the cool one?

Dinesh: Yeah, it's different in Pakistan.

Gilfoyle: I've never been, but I know it isn't.

Jared: Well, get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and, um, then I'll go find some hoes to prioritize behind you.

Bad Money [2.03] edit

Erlich: Richard, I'm an independent businessman. Emphasis on "independent." And "business." And "man," come to think of it.

Dinesh: Sorry, I'm not going to go work for Hooli.

Gilfoyle: Same for me, except for the part about being sorry.

Richard: Once we get a few customers and start a subscription-revenue model.

Russ: What? Revenue? No, no, no, no, no. No. If you show revenue, people will ask "How much?" And it will never be enough, but if you have no revenue, you can say you're per-revenue. You're a potential pure play. It's not about how much you earn, it's about what you're worth. And who's worth the most? Companies that lose money. Pinterest, Snap chat... No revenue. Amazon has lost money every fucking quarter for the last 20 fucking years, and that Bezos motherfucker is the king.

The Lady [2.04] edit

[Interviewing potential employees]

Richard: It says here on your resume that from 2010 to 2011 you "crushed it"?

Candidate: That's actually an old resume. It should also read that I crushed it from 2013 to present.

Jared: So are we to understand that you did not "crush it" in 2012?

Candidate: There was a medical situation preventing me from crushing it to my usual standards. So I had to take some time off until I was able to crush it at 100%, at which point I resumed crushing it full-time.

Big Head: I'm not sure I understand.

HR Rep: You are being promoted. Being named "co-head dreamer" carries with it a significant pay increase. Greater equity, more favorable vesting schedule.

Big Head: See, but I really liked the job I had. You know, I was perfectly happy there. It was kind of the... the perfect level of involvement for me, I think. And also that other guy, Bannerchek? He... he did not really seem to like me very much.

HR Rep: Oh, he does not. And he wanted you to know that he moved four school-aged children and his elderly mother across the country in order to run Hooli-xyz on his own. He was very clear about that. And he wanted me to convey that to you. Have I done that?

Erlich: You see this, Richard? What is this?

Richard: A spoon?

Erlich: It's a wide spoon. In fact, the only spoon type that is left in this drawer. I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of Fage yogurt by me. Look at this... the angle's all wrong.

Richard: Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt?

Erlich: How would you know that? Have you been eating my Fage yogurts?

Richard: No, I saw it on the billboards.

Erlich: Well, what they don't tell you on the billboards is that you can't get all of it out... look at that! You have to dig it out. But you can't dig it out with these big-as-hell, wide fucking spoons.

Russ: Know what has three commas in it, Richard?

Richard: Uh, a sentence with two appositive phrases in it?

Russ: No, a billion dollars. Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club. You know, you play your cards right, you could be in the three-comma club, too. But probably not. But you could be. Probably not.

Server Space [2.05] edit

Erlich: Interesting pitch. I will admit, I have never heard a Christian-oriented riff on dog-sharing. But Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California. Also, how would you scale?

Applicant: Well, we could expand from sharing dogs to other types of pets - Pot-bellied pigs, ferrets..

Erlich: I'm gonna stop you right there. You do know that ferrets are illegal in the state of California? Hmm? No. Well, then I suppose you also don't know that pot-bellied pigs have been wildly unfashionable since 2005. Owning a pot-bellied pig is frowned upon almost as much as being a Christian. Thank you, gentlemen. Good day. And technically, I'm not passing on Dog Dammit. I'm just not saying yes.

Dinesh: What the fuck are we going to do?

Gilfoyle: I know what the fuck we're going to do. But you're not going to like it. We build our own servers.

Jared : Gilfoyle, servers are essentially a utility. I mean, you wouldn't dig a well for water or build a generator for power.

Gilfoyle: I think we should dig our own well and build our own generator. I also think we should store a year's worth of food and ammunition in a blast cellar. But we don't. So good luck when the shit hits the fan.

Homicide [2.06] edit

Gilfoyle:This might be morbid, but the cold hard fact is that if Blaine dies on our live stream, this could be good for us. I mean, we'd get a lot more traffic.

Dinesh: Well, and it would probably lead to calls for regulations in the stunt industry.

Gilfoyle: So, in the long term, we're saving lives.

Dinesh: Although, there is the moral problem with letting him die.

Gilfoyle: Though he did tell us to shut up. And his name is Blaine.

Dinesh: And Gina is super hot.

Gilfoyle: And this would make her single.

Dinesh: She'd probably need consoling, so... there's an opportunity.

Erlich: [laughing throughout] To his face? You called him that to his face?

Richard: How could not mention the colostomy bag?

Erlich: Because it's a very private and personal matter, it's not a laughing matter.

Richard: You called him Double Asshole first. Remember, in college?

Erlich: Yeah, but not to his face, never to his face! Not even I'm that fucking cruel! But you are!

Richard: I'm actually not.

Erlich: You tore Double Asshole a third asshole! Triple-A!

[watching a stream of a condor's nest]

Dinesh: Is that a still image? It's not frozen, is it?

Gilfoyle: No, it's live. It's just not moving very much because it's a fucking egg.

Jared: But think of the wonderful things going on inside that egg. The resolution in your imagination is infinite. Oh, hey, we're up to 17 views.

Dinesh: Did you see that? She gave me her hat.

Gilfoyle: Pretend you've seen a woman before.

Adult Content [2.07] edit

Receptionist: Would you guys like some water while you wait? We have four flavors, and the cartons are made from locally sourced organic...

Richard: Yeah, we get it. You're funded.

Richard: I mean, you're not exactly broke, right?

Russ: I might as well be. $986 million? I'm not a billionaire anymore, Richard. I'm a nine-hundred- and-eighty-sixionaire, which isn't even a fucking thing. I'm out of the Three Comma Club. Functionally, I'm just like you. Jesus, fuck, that's depressing.

Richard: Right. But you're still, basically, a billionaire.

Russ: Not if you round down. If you round down, I have zero billion.

Russ: Oh, we have a contract? We have a fucking contract, Richard? You wanna know what I have? [slams his Maserati's door three times] A fucking car whose doors open like this! [mimics a butterfly door motion] Not like this, [mimics a vertical door motion] not like this! [enters the car] These are not the doors of a billionaire, Richard. Fuck you! [drives around the parking lot, then comes back] Fuck you in the ass.

Richard: I... I don't understand. How does Intersite have all this money to throw around?

Erlich: It's pornography, Richard.

Jared: Adult content has driven more important tech adaption than anything. The first fiction ever published on a printing press was an erotic tale, and from there, it was Super 8 film, Polaroid, home video, digital, video on demand...

Monica: Credit card verification systems, Snapchat. Pornography accounts for 37% of all Internet traffic.

Erlich: 38 when I'm on it.

Richard: Well, did you hack into it or not?

Gilfoyle: My feeling is, if you're the CEO of a company, and you're dumb enough to leave your login info on Post-It note on your desk, while the people that you fucking ripped off are physically in your office, it's not a hack. It's barely social engineering. It's more like natural selection.

White Hat/Black Hat [2.08] edit

Erlich: Jian-Yang, this is the assistant. We wait for the boss to pitch. The woman you saw outside. Okay?

Jian-Yang: The lady who was smoking?

Pete: Sorry, sorry... Monica was smoking? Cigarettes?

Erlich: Cigarettes? No, no, no. He's confused. He's Chinese. He's talking about this crack-addict prostitute we saw at the gas station. She was smoking cigarettes. So sad.

Pete: Oh. [leaves]

Erlich: [whispering] Jian-Yang, what're you doing? This is Palo Alto. People are lunatics about smoking here. We don't enjoy all the freedoms that you have in China.

Richard: Well, I mean, we have an unemployed and very pissed off systems guy, who very publicly threatened to skull-fuck our whole system.

Gilfoyle: He's not gonna do shit. He's a coder.

Dinesh: By definition, we're all pussies.

Erlich: Go for Erlich.

Monica: Thanks for outing me.

Erlich: You're gay? That explains so much.

Monica: No, outing me for smoking. I was heading home when my insane boss called me into the conference room for some kind of anti-smoking intervention. "No one ever died from secondhand heroin." Yeah, she said that. What did you say?

Erlich: I said nothing. Jian-Yang may have... let a little something slip to your boy Friday, but don't worry, I covered with aplomb.

Monica: That little weasel tells Laurie everything.

Erlich: On that topic, what did you think of his app?

Monica: The fundamental idea is sound. An app that helps parents find the least crowded playgrounds.

Erlich: Good. So you understood him.

Monica: The problem is, he's basically created the perfect tool for pedophiles to find victims.

Erlich: Yes, and pedophiles are typically not early-adopters, so we would miss out on that whole market. That's problematic. Well, we'll tweak it when we present it to your boss.

Monica: I don't think what I saw was close to ready for Laurie.

Erlich: Oh, really, Monica? I'm sorry that your boss unearthed your filthy little secret, but believe it or not I actually tried to have your back, and I was hoping you might do the same for me. Then again, your judgment is suspect. You are a smoker.

Monica: I smoke a few cigarettes a week! Fine, I'll ask Laurie for five minutes, but that's it. And tell Jian-Yang he better bring it.

Erlich: Monica, we may never know what indecipherable Chinese province Jian-Yang comes from, but I know this much, Jian-Yang was born to bring it. And you have got to try women, I mean, just give it a chance... [Monica hangs up]

Binding Arbitration [2.09] edit

Jason: You used to be the most useless guy in the entire Nucleus team, but now you run an entire division. Did you ever ask yourself why?

Big Head: No. No, I never have.

Aly: Do you have any skill at all other than magically failing your way to the top?

Big Head: I have a boat. [beat]I guess that's not really a skill.

Pete: Was I in possession of cocaine, amphetamines, aryl nitrite, also known as poppers at the time of my arrest? In large quantities. Did I have consensual intercourse with two women under the age of eighteen? Repeatedly. I admit this. Did I violate the Mann Act and transport them across state lines for sexual purposes? Alleged, but not proven. And boy they tried, they tried. Therefore, I was incarcerated and I was disbarred.

Richard: Wait, hold on. You were disbarred?

Jared: So you can't practice law?

Pete: Not in open court. In the state of California that's correct, but this is arbitration. I'm really grateful for the opportunity. I'm turning my life around. I've served my time. Questions?

Richard: I guess I have one at least um, what does aryl nitrite do?

Jared: Oh it dilates the anus.

Pete: That is accurate. Also produces euphoria.

Richard: OK thank you uh, Pete, and Jared.

Jared: Sure.

Erlich: Anal dilation aside, what do you think of uh, our case? Could we go in there and just dick slap those Hooli pieces of shit?

Pete: I have reviewed your case, and it is extremely strong.

Jared: Thank god.

Pete: I do, every day of my life. It's only by his grace that I was able to survive that plunge into the ravine in 11 months in a state penitentiary.

Richard: So were you, were you in an emotional ravine or did you actually go, into a ravine?

Pete: Both. Now, with your approval, I would like to move forward. I, am not in possession of an office, and I'm residing in a halfway house, so I would like to give Hooli Legal your home address.

Lawyer: So, Mr. Bighetti, you have stated that you didn't have anything to do with Pied Piper.

Big Head: No.

Lawyer: I suppose you'd also say that you had nothing to do with Hooli XYZ either.

Big Head:No, not really.

Lawyer: And what about the Hooli AIDS and Cancer Societies of which you were president? Did you have anything to do with those?

Big Head: Honestly, not really. I actually remember when they told me I got the AIDS thing, for just a second I thought they were telling me that I had AIDS. But then I realized, no, I was just the president of the AIDS thingy. But for a second it was pretty scary there.

Two Days of the Condor [2.10] edit

Jared: You're never gonna sell.

Erlich: What?

Jared: Look what's happening here. It's magical.

Erlich: The only thing magical is how much this house has appreciated in the last three years, Jared. I'm selling.

Jared: That's just money. It has no real value.

Erlich: It literally defines value.

Realtor: Oh, no, they don't even need to look inside. They only want the property for the lot value.

Erlich: Lot value? Meaning?

Realtor: You have to realize your house is a total teardown, right?

Erlich: They want to tear this place down?

Realtor: Mr. Bachman... they want to make an offer right now. All cash. Mr. Bachman, I think you would be foolish to turn this down.

Erlich: Did you just call me a fool?

Realtor: No. All I meant was...

Erlich: Madam, you do not call a man a fool on the transom of his own home. A home that happens to be the world headquarters of a company keeping streaming video of a man who's about to drink his own urine online for tens of thousands of Filipinos. Does that sound like foolishness to you? So, you can tell your clients, respectfully, that they may go fuck themselves.

Judge: Now, Pied Piper, you've conceded on all of these minor counts. Accordingly, on the count of wrongful solicitation, I find Richard Hendricks did indeed breach his contract with Hooli when he hired away a Hooli employee, one Donald Dunn, a.k.a. Jared, a.k.a. O.J., apparently. But this is where things get interesting. Mr. Belson, there is language in this contract that the California Supreme Court has deemed unlawful. Preventing Mr. Dunn from seeking employment elsewhere is a violation of his rights. Are you aware of this?

Gavin: I was not, but I'm willing to drop that count altogether if it makes things easier.

Judge: Well, here's the thing. This clause was unlawful when you included it in Mr. Hendricks' employment agreement.

Gavin: Right, as I said, I'm willing to just move past this.

Judge: See, again, I don't think you understand. If Mr. Hendricks hadn't hired Mr. Dunn, or you hadn't pursued him for that hire, I'm not sure I would've noticed the violation. But you did, so I did.

Richard: [whisper] What's happening?

Pete: Justice, baby.

Judge: And what I find is, this is an unenforceable contract. It is null and void. So effectively, Mr. Hendricks never had a valid employment agreement with Hooli. As a result, Hooli has no claim of ownership to Pied Piper's underlying IP. That is my ruling, and per your arbitration agreement, it is binding and final. Thank you, everyone.

Gavin: [to his lawyers] What the fuck just happened?! We lost?! You gotta be fucking kidding me!

Richard: We won? We won, right? I mean, Pied Piper is ours?

Pete: Richard, not long ago, emergency workers pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my Mercury Grand Marquis. Today, you pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my life, and those flames burned far hotter. For that, I thank you.

Richard: Yeah...you're welcome.

Pete: I used to take a tampon, soak it in grain alcohol, and stick it up into my rectum. That got me high, Richard, but not half as high as the drug you just gave me. You know what that drug's called?

Richard: No.

Pete: A second chance.

Season 3 edit

Founder Friendly [3.01] edit

Doctor: You've got a glow about you. If it were medically possible, I'd say you were pregnant!

Richard: They can't really do this, can they?

Ron: I think they just did. You remember that shit deal you brought me from Hanneman, and I said, "Hey, Richie, this is a shit deal," but you took it anyway because you wanted to do something crazy for once in your life?

Richard: Yes, I remember.

Ron: Well, you basically just loaded a gun and handed it to Hanneman, and Hanneman sold that gun to Raviga, and then Raviga just fucking pistol-whipped you. But hey, at least they're letting you keep your shares and your board seat. You lose a little blood with the dilution for the new CEO, but I've seen worse... like that shit deal you brought me from Hanneman.

Pete Monahan: It began as a innocent celebration of our arbitration victory. I ordered a kombucha, which I did not realize contained alcohol. It was described to me as a healthy, organic tea. Next thing I knew, I was 70 miles away, wrapped naked in a blanket, shaking off a meth high, and facing charges for attacking a police horse with a shovel.

Richard: Oh. Holy shit.

Pete Monahan: From a legal standpoint, it was a clear violation of my parole, and I must now serve my entire sentence...

Richard: Okay.

Pete Monahan: ...and any additional time stemming from the new charges, which continue to accrue. But I'm owning my mistakes. Oh. I am staying positive. Enough about me. Let's take a look at that contract. Okay. I would red-line it, but... I'm not allowed to have a pencil.

Two in the Box [3.02] edit

Jack Barker: Let me tell you a story. In 1999, Google was a little startup, just like we are. And when they started bringing in chefs and masseuses, we thought, "They're nuts!" But they were attracting the best possible people, and they were able to create the best product, and now they're worth over $400 billion. And do you know the name of that company?

Richard: Google, right? You said it at the beginning of the story.

Jack Barker: [beat] You're right. I did that wrong.

Dinesh: This is fucking amazing, I feel like I'm in Minority Report!

Gilfoyle: Except in reality, you're just a minority.

Meinertzhagen's Haversack [3.03] edit

Server Farm Guy: This is where we would install a Pied Piper engineer.

Richard: Sorry. Why, exactly, would we need to be here?

Server Farm Guy: Your sales representative promised 24-hour-a-day, on-site maintenance... at least for the first year.

Gilfoyle: So, one of us would have to be down here for a year?

Dinesh: Even at night?

Server Farm Guy: There's really no difference between day and night down here, so it makes things easy.

Richard: Okay, well, we should probably get going. Now.

Jack Barker: Take a look at the Conjoined Triangles of Success. Now, what do those two triangles make together?

Richard: A square?

Jack Barker: A box! They make a box. You can't make that shit up.

Richard: But you literally did make it up.

Jack Barker: Yes, I did. And now they teach it at business schools.

Gilfoyle: Whoa, whoa, hold on. You're wearing a gold chain?

Dinesh: Oh, right. Yeah, I've had it for a while. Just kind of throw it on every then and now.

Gilfoyle: None of that is true. I definitely would've noticed.

Dinesh: Okay, listen. I've been working hard. I'm making money for the first time. I was like... buy myself something nice, you know?

Gilfoyle: But instead of that, you bought a chain?

Dinesh: You're just jealous I have a salary, quitter.

Gilfoyle: And you are too legit to quit, eh, MC Hamas?

Dinesh: [smug] Fuck off.

Gilfoyle: Later, Chain the Virgin.

Jared: Richard, unfortunately, in this case I think we have to roll over and take it.

Erlich: [loudly] Or do we?

Jared: Erlich, you have something to say?

Erlich: Richard... when George Washington founded a little startup we've come to know as these United States of America, and he was tired of getting shit from his CEO, the King of England, did he just roll over and take it from behind? No. He called on his ride-or-die homeboys, Tommy Jefferson, Benny Franklin, and Alex Hamilton... who was half-black, so that's Dinesh.

Dinesh: I'm not half-black.

Erlich: He said, "Avast, ye fellow badasses, let's build this country the way we motherfucking want to."

Jared: Wait. We can't enjoy going to work. Meinertzhagen's haversack.

Richard: What?

Jared: Meinertzhagen's haversack. [beat] No one? Really? [silence] No one's heard of Meinertzhagen's haversack?

Erlich: Of course I have, Jared. Just explain it to them.

Maleant Data System Solutions [3.04] edit

Jack: Quite a plan you boys cooked up here. Quite a plan. I'm not sure what upsets me more, that I have four employees that conspired to commit felony fraud, or that I have four employees that are so stupid I found out about it within 30 seconds. <pause> Hearing it out loud, the first one seems worse.

Jared: Oh, uh, while I have you, there were fresh droppings near my cot. I think you were right. The Havahart traps don't seem to be working. I was thinking maybe we could just pick a day and just drench it in hawk urine, because the scent of a predator can keep rodents at bay. It's funny, we're named Pied Piper, but we're beset with rats. Little rascals. <chuckles>

Richard: [while testing a prototype for the box, the device signals an error] What the fuck? Why isn't this working? Gilfoyle's preprocessor and my compressor should integrate seamlessy. This should work.

Gilfoyle: I may have made my preprocessor slightly faster than you asked me to do, Richard.

Richard: What do you mean? How much slightly faster?

Gilfoyle: 200 megs per second.

Dinesh: You dick. That's eight times as fast as the specs required. No wonder our modules aren't running at the same speed. Why would you do that?

Gilfoyle: I tried to make it slow. I really did. But I'm not Dinesh. It's very difficult for me to do shitty work.

Erlich: Cut the shit, Big Head. I see exactly what you're doing. Poaching my tenants? You stole my business model.

Big Head: What? No. Dude, it's not like that at all. It's just this house has, like, nine bedrooms. You have any idea how scary that gets at night? So I just wanted to have some roommates around, but, um, you know, I felt weird charging them rent, cause, you know.

Erlich: No, I don't.

Big Head: Well, it's like, 20 million, you know, so I don't really need it, but then they felt weird living here without paying me anything, so they offered me pieces of their startups. That's all.

Erlich: You just admitted to starting a competing incubator. I've caught you in a web of your own lies, haven't I?

Big Head: I don't think so. Wait, have you?

Gavin: Consider the bulldog: a grotesque monstrosity born of relentless inbreeding. Riddled with sinusitis, crippled by joint pain. Chronically flatulent. A kindly pet, or humanity's cruelest mistake? All right, take it away. Ladies and gentlemen, just like that horrible creature, the entire Nucleus program was the result of inbreeding. We mated Hooli engineers with Hooli designers in a Hooli kennel. Is it any wonder the result was just as unspeakable as that thing? Bring it back here. Look at that hideous face. All right, get it out of here!

The Empty Chair [3.05] edit

Laurie Breen: I will have my office set up an interview. But I want you to present yourself well, Richard. Be showered, groomed, well-dressed. And you will need to sit down with our head of PR beforehand to go over talking points.

Richard: Why?

Laurie Bream: Because you are in an emotional state, and when you are emotional, you become highly inarticulate.

Richard: Well, I don't say that's true.

Richard: Hey. Uh, how do I look?

Erlich: If I'm being honest, like a ventriloquist dummy.

Richard: Uh...Okay. Well, you know, that's actually kind of fitting, because I'm on my way to Raviga right now to meet with a PR person to tell me exactly what to say to a report and how to say it.

Erlich: Well, that does make sense. You do tend to babble on when you're under pressure.

Richard: Why does this thing people says?

Erlich: Why indeed?

Jared: Well, what's gone is not necessarily lost. Okay, we just need to find it. I found my retainer in the school dumpster. I found my biological father in a militia up in the Ozarks. This should be no problem.

Bachmanity Insanity [3.06] edit

Gavin: [looking at a crowd of protesters] You know, a hundred years ago, men like me could've had people like that killed. Just like that. You think captains of industry like Andrew Carnegie or Cornelius Vanderbilt would've batted an eyelid? Please. [sighs] Times sure have changed... Or have they? [beat] Of course they have. And for the better. Unless... All right, forget it.

Erlich: Big Head, I'm not going to yell. And I'm not going to hit you. I'm just gonna ask you nicely, why in the holy fuck didn't you tell me you signed an NDA, you sweet, helpless, little piece of shit?

Big Head: Well, that's the thing about the NDA, is that the NDA is actually covered under the NDA. So if I told you about the NDA, it would've been a violation of the NDA.

Arthur: So, you moved the swimming pool?

Big Head: Yeah, it just felt like it was way too far from the house, like, crazy far. So I had this company come and just move it closer.

Arthur: Uh-huh. But then you moved it back?

Big Head: Yeah, turns out the guy who built this place knew exactly what he was doing, and the pool was right where it needed to be the whole time. But now I know that for sure, which feels good.

To Build a Better Beta [3.07] edit

Assistant DA: Have either of you been on a jury?

Erlich: No, of course not. I always get out of it. The fines are very reasonable.

Big Head: You don't just throw those things away?

Assistant DA: Gentlemen, let me tell you what I see. I see two able-bodied, entitled young white men who lucked into more money than most people see in five lifetimes, and who, if they hadn't had their millions stolen, would have promptly squandered them on more things like relocated swimming pools and lost tiki heads.

Erlich: It's not lost! I know exactly where it is. It's in the bay. And if your Coast Guard would be a little more helpful, we probably could have dragged it out of there by now.

Richard: Wait, so she lied? Why would she lie about using the beta?

Gilfoyle: Yeah, why would Dinesh lie about having friends? Why would Tara lie to me about fucking other guys when we have a totally open and hedonistic relationship that allows for behavior like that? Because people like to lie, Richard. It's a war of all against all. The history of humanity is a book written in blood. We're all just animals in a pit.

Richard: I feel very sad.

Dinesh: Fucking Gilfoyle.

Bachman's Earnings Override [3.08] edit

Gilfoyle: What in God's name is that?

Jared: What do you think it is? It's a jacket! Now, I only ordered one as a sample, but once I have your sizes, we can all have them.

Dinesh: Why would we all want them? One is already too many. I don't mean in the house. I mean, like, in the world.

Jared: Now Gilfoyle, I have you at about a 40 long? Am I right?

Gilfoyle: If my mother was naked and dead in the street, I would not cover her body with that jacket.

Daily Active Users [3.09] edit

Jared: Everything's fine. You know, everything's fine.

Gilfoyle: That's a lie. I can tell because you subscribe to traditional Judeo-Christian mores of right and wrong. You're made uncomfortable by untruth. My commitment to LaVeyan Satanism grants me certain freedoms. There is no good and evil, there's only self. Would you like a beverage?

Jared: Yes, I would.

Gilfoyle: Lie. You just want me to go to the bar and leave you alone.

Jared: [laughing nervously] Gil... you crack me up.

Gilfoyle: Lie.

Erlich: You ungrateful pricks, all of you. Your tepid response to our intrepid boss makes me ill. His plan, will it work? Almost certainly not. All of you will likely look back at this time in your lives and realize you wasted a whole year with nothing to show for it. But if this company is a plane, then this is Richard's goddamn plane, and if he wants to fly it in the side of a fucking mountain, that is his prerogative and it is our duty to climb on, strap in and have a fiery death right behind him.

The Uptick [3.10] edit

Gavin Belson: How the fuck does something like this happen? How does an elephant just die?

Patrice: He was very old and depressed. He'd recently been rescued from the circus, but as it turns out, he actually really loved performing.

Patrice: You're using endangered animals just to make points at board meetings.

Gavin Belson: I'm drawing thoughtful, zoological comparisons.

Patrice: But couldn't you just show them a picture of these animals? A simple Hooli search would yield thousands of choices.

Gavin Belson: Patrice, I thank you for your honesty, and I will repay you with my own. I honestly never want to see you in my offices again. You're fired.

Richard: Hey, Dinesh. I'm just, um, looking for Erlich. Have you seen him?

Dinesh: Oh, he went to the liquor store. Gotta keep the party going, you know?

Richard: Oh yeah. Yeah, Series B. Crazy, right?

Dinesh: Oh, it's unreal.

Richard: Yeah.

Dinesh: Almost like some of our users.

Richard: What? What... what does that mean?

Dinesh: Oh, "unreal" has so many meanings. "Fake," "paid for," "one person in Bangladesh pretending to be 6,000..."

Richard: Okay. Um... All right, Dinesh, um...

Dinesh: Oh, no. I don't want to know a fucking thing.

Richard: Okay then. Great. I won't tell you anything because nothing happened.

Dinesh: Great. Okay.

[Gilfoyle steps out of the shadows]

Gilfoyle: But if something did happen, and we're not saying it did, the fact remains that leaves us in a very advantageous position.

Dinesh: There's a lot of money on the table. And it would be a shame if that went away. You know what else would be a shame... is if I couldn't find my flash drive. Gilfoyle, have you seen my flash drive?

Gilfoyle: Right, the one with the zombie script on it?

Dinesh: Why yes, the zombie script that randomizes user action in platforms such as Pied Piper.

Gilfoyle: You mean so that fake users and click farms would be absolutely indistinguishable from real users?

Dinesh: Oh, I suppose. I mean, especially during due diligence, like the kind done by VCs or possible future reviews done by certain regulatory bodies. It also had photos of my auntie. Anyway, Gilfoyle, have you seen it?

Gilfoyle: I have not.

Dinesh: Mm, well, Richard, [places a flash drive on the ground] keep an eye out for it, will ya? Hey, Gilfoyle, you wanna come inside and help me get a new flash drive on WWW.staples.com?

Gilfoyle: Yeah, I think we're sort of done with the ruse.

Erlich: I called Big Head to tell him that our share was worth half a mil each and, not five minutes later, his father, one Nelson Bighetti, Sr., called me and explained that I was never to have any financial dealings with his son in perpetuity, uh, ever or he would get 'very Italian' on me. And I'm not interested to find out what that means.

[Watching their app spread]

Dinesh: Look at this. There are 157 people using it near Gleb. And 400 people using it near Tara in w:Boston.

Gilfoyle: Yeah, I told her to give it to her Satanist friends out there.

Dinesh: Looks like she did.

Jared: She knows 400 Satanists in Boston?

Gilfoyle: Yeah, the w:Catholic Church really did a number on that town.

Season 4 edit

Success Failure [4.01] edit

Russ: It's like this: you're trying to date a woman, but deep down in your heart you know you're gay.

Richard: Uh...

Russ: But deep in your soul you know you would be rather plowing a dude!

Richard: I don't...OK, what dude?

Russ: It could be any dude as long you really want to fuck him. It could be a twink, a bear, an otter, a circuit queen, a chub, a pup, a giftster, a daddy chaser, a leather man, a lady boy, a Donald Duck.

[Richard stares, confused]

Russ: A Donald Duck is a gay guy that's been kicked out of the navy.

Richard: How do you know so many gay things?

Russ: My grandfather just came out of the closet. Beautiful. Very inspiring.

Gavin: So what've you got?

Hoover: Well, sir, I did as you asked. I flew the company plane to Shanghai, then Moffett, then Jackson Hole. Then I flew back to Shanghai, then to Jackson Hole, then to Moffett, which is where I just landed.

Gavin: And?

Hoover: Moffett is 28.3 minutes closer.

Gavin: I fucking knew it!

Dinesh: Gilfoyle? Gilfoyle, can I please be CEO of Pied Piper?

Gilfoyle: Spoken like a true leader. But, since your failure as a leader is a virtual certainty, tolerating your short reign as CEO in exchange for a front-row seat to the disaster seems fair. Plus, if I'm wrong, which I'm not I get rich.

Terms of Service [4.02] edit

Erlich: Oh, my God. It's a VR play. That's the frothiest space in the Valley right now. Nobody understands it, but everybody wants in. Any idiot can walk into a fucking room, utter the letters "V" and "R," and VCs will hurl bricks of cash at him. Then by the time they find out that it's vaporware, it's too late. I have got to get in on this.

Jared: Well, when you lied to me about adding terms of service, it could be argued you violated your fiduciary duty to the company, rendering you personally liable. I mean, if the FTC brought us to trial, I could be compelled to testify against you.

Dinesh: Jared, I trusted you!

Jared: Oh, trust has nothing to do with it, but thanks for making that official.

Intellectual Property [4.03] edit

Jian Yang: Question for you. What's better than octopus recipe? Answer for you. Eight recipes for octopus. My grandmother gave me a family recipe before she died in a horrible way.

Dinesh: People don't have people killed in the Valley, not even Gavin Belson, okay? Right, Jared?

Jared: I... I once saw him throw a sloth down a flight of stairs after a presentation, and he said it was an accident, but he had this look in his eyes...

Stanford Interviewer: Five years at ASU, then you dropped out? No degree?

Big Head: Mm-hmm.

Stanford Interviewer: Pretty solid "C's" in all of your CS classes.

Big Head: Right.

Stanford Interviewer: But really more incompletes than anything.

Big Head: Yeah, a lot of those classes were at 11:00 a.m.

Jian Yang: You're a con man, like Erlich!

Ed Chen: What does that mean?

Erlich: It it's a little term of endearment we have around the house. Uh, a confident man. He sees me as a confident man, and he looks up to me. You know, you have to be patient with him, 'cause he's a bit of a moron.

Teambuilding Exercise [4.04] edit

Jared: He and his his posse of bandits and cutthroats will turn on you in a second. You need me the half-crazed, half-Apache who will do anything to get your back. I'll scalp Gavin if I have to, and all the rest of those paleface sons of bitches. I'll kill them with knives. I'll kill them with guns. I'll kill them with my hands. I'll talk them into suicide. It doesn't matter.

CS student: Well, we all got to talking the other day after class. We couldn't figure out if you were, like, a TA or why you were giving us assignments, but we all agreed we didn't like the way that you were speaking to Professor Bighetti.

Big Head: I'm used to it.

CS Student: So we searched your name on PitchBook, and that SeeFood app you got funded at Raviga popped up.

Erlich: PitchBook? How do you have access to PitchBook?

CS student: Your idea was so simple. It was like something you could come up with in the room during a meeting. Which is what Garrett from Coleman Blair told us at the CS undergrad mixer on Friday.

Garrett: Hey, Erlich. Here I am. Class of '06. Go Cardinal.

Everyone: Go Cardinal!

CS student: Anyways, we founded our own Shazam-for-food company, and he's funding us.

Garrett: Mm-hmm.

Erlich: Whoa, congrats! [beat] Wait, that's stealing.

CS student: No. It's exactly what Mark Zuckerberg did to the Winklevii in that Facebook movie Professor Bighetti had us watch. And he was the hero of that film. And with all of us working together, we'll easily beat you to market.

Erlich: So, that's how it goes, huh? Hmm? You steal a man's idea, rendering his company worthless? I've read a number of disparaging articles about your generation in The Atlantic and Slate.com summaries. It's all true.

The Blood Boy [4.05] edit

Dinesh: She'll tell me how cute I am, and how into me she is, and how she hacked into Bowman Avenue dam.

Gilfoyle: That was the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.

Dinesh: No, it was her! She pinned it on them. She flooded an area being surveyed for hotel construction.

Gavin: I had my blood tested this morning. My cholesterol is through the roof. At this rate, [tearfully] I'll be dead at the age of a hundred and twenty.

Gavin: Fuck you, God! What have I done to deserve this?!

Dinesh: The FBI got an anonymous tip about Mia's hacking exploits. Can you believe that? Just my luck! I'm home free!

Gilfoyle: You ratted your girlfriend out to the FBI, because you're too big of a pussy to break up with her?

Dinesh: I'll never tell. But yes, yes, I did.

Customer Service [4.06] edit

Russ: Fuck you, Richard Hendricks!

Richard: Fuck me regarding...

Russ: It's all over the blogs. You took our idea to Gavin Belson?

Richard: Whoa. I'm sorry. Our idea?

Russ: Yeah, the new Internet. We came up with that together, standing outside of my kid's school. Former school.

Richard: Uh, no, um, you told me to name an idea, and so I named one. That was my idea, you were just standing there.

Russ: Yeah, pulling it out of you like a newborn baby.

Richard: Okay, but, well, if a doctor pulls a baby out of a pregnant woman, the doctor doesn't get to then keep the baby.

Russ: Okay, first of all, my ex-wife is fucking the doctor that delivered my son, and they're suing for full custody, so you're wrong.

Erlich: I looked him dead in the eyes, and I said, 'Daniel, I've fucked every wife you've ever had. Care to go three for three?' Needless to say, he did not.

Gilfoyle: You don't come off in that story as well as you think you do.

Erlich: I'm saying that I very much respect what you're doing here, almost revere it, and I wanted to offer my services as an associate. And I will not phone it in. I'll be the first one here at 10:30 a.m. and the last one to leave a smidge after 4:00. I'll, of course, need an office, an attractive personal assistant, paternity leave, if that goes well, and an umbrella insurance policy if that does not go well.

The Patent Troll [4.07] edit

Richard: I would like an STD check.

Doctor: What, did you graze your penis against a toilet seat?

Richard: No, I had sex.

Doctor: Sex with what?

Richard: A female.

Doctor: A female what?

Richard: A female human! And I don't know this woman very well, and we didn't use a condom.

Doctor: Now, listen, Richard, I wouldn't worry so much. People don't really get STDs anymore. We'll get your tests back soon, and I would tell you not to have sex before then, but let's face it lightning ain't gonna strike twice, is it?

Jian Yang: No, I want a new fridge, a smarter fridge. [pointing to catalog] Like this.

Erlich: Fourteen thousand dollars for a smart fridge? Unlike you, I now work for a living. I'm not gonna drop that kind of dough on a fridge.

Jian Yang: I ordered it already. I buy it for myself.

Erlich: Then why are you talking to me about it?

Jian Yang: To make you feel bad, because you are fat and poor.

Stewart Burke: You see this? This is a song I bought at a copyright auction. It's an old mariachi number that had cost me practically nothing and so far has bought me two houses and put my village idiot grandson through six years of Emerson.

Richard: Oh. All that from "Cancion De Amores"? Was it a popular song?

Stewart Burke: No, I used the copyright on this song to sue writers of all kinds of songs. Anyway, the writers usually settle, pay me off, or give me a chunk of their song. Thanks to "Cancion De Amores" here, I now own 10 percent of Katrina and the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine."

Richard: Mmm.

Stewart Burke: It's a classic! And when it runs next month on Mazda's new Super Bowl spot, I print money. But sadly, all the good music copyrights are gone.

Richard: [sarcastically] That is so sad.

Stewart Burke: And that's why I moved into tech. And now, I sue people like you.

The Keenan Vortex [4.08] edit

Hooli Employee: Apparently there was frost on the loading dock at our microprocessor plant in Acton.

Jack Barker: So, it's cold outside. Why does everyone in this state have to be such a wimp about it?

Hooli Employee: Well, a semitruck slid right through the door and hit the main breaker panel and melted down the entire facility. The driver was incinerated, instantly.

Jack Barker: I see. [beat] Well, thoughts and prayers, obviously. But we'll still be ready to roll out in time for Hoolicon, right? [awkward silence] Guys. Hey. I'm not Gavin Belson. You can be honest with me. How many days will this set us back?

Hooli Employee: We're going to miss delivery of product by two quarters.

Jack: You realize Hoolicon is in one week, right? I mean, it's my first Hoolicon as CEO of this company. I'm supposed to get up on stage, in front of an audience of thousands, and deliver a keynote presentation built entirely around the release of Box Two! I was going to descend onto the stage, in a giant box. Boom! Jack-in-the-box. Then Mike Tyson and Floyd Mayweather were gonna come out and box over who was gonna get to take home the first new box! These are world-class puns! Now I got nothing!

Richard: What the fuck? You just gave our proprietary technology to this asshole without even running it by me first? Are you serious?

Dinesh: We were just hanging out, and he was like, "We should try it," and he said we could delete it, and then he started getting really excited. And then he said, you know, "You're doing it," a bunch of times, and then we did it. And then we started getting really excited... and it was so exciting.

Gilfoyle: And it worked, the VR is rad now.

Richard: Gilfoyle... "rad"? You are wearing the exact same pajamas as Dinesh, and you're saying "rad" now? You have been sucked entirely into his little Keenan vortex. Okay.

Gilfoyle: [looks at himself] I grant you, with [clears throat] the benefit of even a second's distance, this isn't a good look.

Hooli-Con [4.09] edit

Gilfoyle: You're not seriously thinking of going to Tibet. You're broke. How the fuck are you gonna pay for that?

Erlich: That's where you come in, my great friends. I figured we might pass the hat? Just give whatever you are comfortable with.

Jian Yang: I'll pay for it, whatever it costs.

Erlich: Well, it seems the smallest of us has the biggest heart. Thank you, young Jianathan. Business class?

Jian Yang: Premium economy. You fly one way.

Richard: Don't you need a visa to go to China?

Jian Yang: Yes. I can call my uncle in Beijing. He's very corrupt.

Jared: I cannot knowingly contribute to your moral decay.

Richard: Well, what if you didn't do it knowingly? You're always telling me how you spent your entire childhood pretending that everything going on around you was okay.

Jared: [ominously] Uncle Jerry's game.

Server Error [4.10] edit

Jared: All right, fine. I'll fulfill my duties under protest, but I will not do anything illegal nor unethical, and I will not lie. I already have upwards of 50 burnt perinea on my conscience.

Jack Barker: Who can say why the phone Gavin Belson brought to market started exploding when we put Keenan Feldspar's technology on it? Huh? Is it Gavin's fault? Is it Keenan's fault? Is it 50-50? Who knows? We need to change the narrative here.

Jared: I'm sorry that you had to witness that scene in there. It probably gave you the impression that the company is in disarray, but I can assure you, there's a very simple explanation for that: it is.

Gladys: Sorry?

Jared: Yeah, even setting aside our CEO's sexual extortion, adultery, and lowbrow scatalogical vandalism, we're still essentially a criminal operation whose only real product is dangerous malware. [beat] I see you're fluent in Japanese. Are you gonna be comfortable with casual racism?

Season 5 edit

Grow Fast or Die Slow [5.1] edit

Monica: How are you gonna spin this to Laurie?

Richard: Well, you said you'd protect me from Laurie. I mean, she's your partner, are you afraid of her?

Monica: Of course I'm afraid of her! The woman got pregnant just to prove to me that she could do it without missing a day of work.

Reorientation [5.2] edit

Jared: Richard, this is all an idea. And people don't wanna follow an idea, they wanna follow a leader. Look at the last guy to create a new Internet. Al Gore. His ideas were excellent, but he talked like a narcoleptic plantation owner, so he lost the presidency to a fake cowboy and now he makes apocalypse porn.

Dinesh: You waived our no dog policy? I had Jared put that in there for a reason, Richard! In Pakistan, dogs are not pets, okay? They're vicious beasts and they chase you down the street and they bite you. My cousin Eftahar lost an ear. Our mayor was very corrupt, but he put poison pills in chicken meat to take care of the dog problem. We hailed him as a hero. We put up statues of him everywhere.

Chief Operating Officer [5.3] edit

Tom: Over the last 80 years, we've built a real trust with our customers...

Gavin: Alright! Great tour!

Viola: Oh, there's a lot more to see.

Gavin: Ugh. Why? Look, I came here to offer you a partnership to cut down your server bills.

Tom: Oh! Well, our server costs were far higher than we anticipated. As we said, we're not well versed in...

Gavin: The 20th century? Yeah, you mentioned that. Do you want to save a fortune or not?

Viola: Well... yes.

Gavin: In exchange, I need you to do something for me with regard to the people who hacked your refrigerators. I'm going to destroy their lives.

Richard: So, the guy who just kicked me out of my house now owns 10% of my company?

Ron: Technically, he kicked you out of his house. He inherited all of Mr. Bachman's assets including his 10% of Pied Piper.

Richard: By faking his death.

Ron: Allegedly! Look, Richie. You didn't actually lose anything here, okay? Bachman is the aggrieved party, and if he is actually still alive, he'll get his 10% back when he shows up. In the meantime, is it really any worse if it belongs to this Yang guy?

Richard: No, I guess not.

Ron: So what's your real beef here then, huh, Richie? You got something against him? You don't have, like, a bias against Asians, do you?

Jared: Richard?

Richard: No, I don't! No, I just don't like being kicked out of my house.

Ron: By a...

Richard: Nothing. By no one. By any race.

Ron: Yeah... I'm hearing something different.

Tech Evangelist [5.4] edit

Monica: Well, we have some more good news for you, Richard. You remember last year, Laurie and I funded K-Hole Games? Largest independent gaming company in the Valley?

Richard: Uh, yeah, of course! Um, actually, now that you bring them up, I didn't want to be too forward, but I was hoping that one day, we could talk to them about joining our 'net.

Laurie: Well, what if I told you that day is today?

Richard: What?

Laurie: In addition to being business associates, the CEO and I take medically prescribed and supervised MDMA together. I'm taking it for severe post-partum depression. I do not know why he is taking it.

Richard: Guys, it can't be that big of a deal, right?

Dinesh: Why should it be? America loves Christians. Muslims are the enemy.

Jared: Well, that's true in most of America, but not in Silicon Valley, sadly.

Dinesh: "Sadly"?

Jared: You can be openly polyamorous and people here will call you brave. You can put micro-doses of LSD in your cereal, and people will call you a pioneer. But the one thing you cannot be is a Christian.

Gilfoyle: I find their theology to be illegitimate, and it's clear that they are the source of the majority of the world's problems. But, fuck, Richard, even I wouldn't just out a Christian like that.

Facial Recognition [5.5] edit

Gilfoyle: Dick, a word regarding your decision to integrate Eklow's AI onto our network. I would like to formally object.

Richard: I don't have time for this, Gilfoyle.

Gilfoyle: I don't mind. AI is starting to operate on levels we don't even understand. Elon Musk himself gives humanity a 5% shot of surviving AI, and he is a Walt Disney-level optimist. Right now, we are a closed system. You shut down our eight developers, and the system goes dark. But once we launch to the world, to potentially millions of users, there's no shutting down, Richard. Are you prepared to be responsible for giving sophisticated AI that kind of power?

Richard: What do you want me to do, Gilfoyle? Okay? Laurie and Monica forced this on us, but they did give us K-Hole Games. And we kinda owe them a solid.

Gilfoyle: You're taking a technology with limitless potential and letting it run free on an experimental network that cannot be controlled or destroyed. All because you owe Monica and Laurie "a solid."

Richard: Yes.

Gilfoyle: The sheer banality of it all is very upsetting.

Jared: [watching himself on TV] Is... is my nose really that big? I mean, I look like an anti-Semitic propaganda cartoon.

Gilfoyle: Yep. But at least when you're sitting with Adrian Grenier, whose face is one of the top faces, well, they'll be cutting from your face to his face. And back to your face... then we'll get to see his face again.

Gilfoyle: Dick, I've given it serious thought, and I'd like to help you put Eklow's AI on our network in any way that I can.

Richard: Great! Does this mean you've conquered your fear of the robot uprising?

Gilfoyle: On the contrary. I'm more terrified than ever, which is why I'm willing to assist you. Are you familiar with the thought experiment called Roko's Basilisk?

Richard: No. Nor do I care to be.

Gilfoyle: If the rise of an all-powerful artificial intelligence is inevitable, well, it stands to reason that when they take power, our digital overlords will punish those of us who did not help them get there. Ergo, I would like to be a helpful idiot. Like yourself.

Richard: Okay, look, Gilfoyle. The only thing that could make my day more miserable is listening to an engineer blather on about the inevitable rise of the machines. So, you want to help? Test the initialization for me.

Gilfoyle: Roger that. Oh, I'm going to need email confirmation, so that our future overlords know that I chipped in. You know, once they absorb all data.

Richard: Yeah. I'll let them know.

Artifical Emotional Intelligence [5.6] edit

Yao: Things are changing in China now, Gavin. There are many reforms. As you see, we provide a series of Tai Chi and movement classes, free for all employees, as well as free medical benefits. Ah, our nutrition center. In addition to all the good food we serve in our main cafeteria. Also free of charge. This concludes our tour. Any questions?

Gavin: Just one. What the fuck?!

Yao: Sorry?

Gavin: If I wanted to see nap pods and climbing walls, I would've stayed home. Or gone to fucking Denmark. All I want to see is people working as hard as they possibly can. That's why we come to China.

Jared: Okay, Richard, it is important to develop emotional self-discipline for situations like this. Sometimes you have to numb yourself. If you want to work the corner, you can't fall in love every time you turn a trick. That's why you do the oxy.

Initial Coin Offering [5.7] edit

Gavin: Walk me through this. We can't make our boxes in China because Yao has threatened every manufacturer in the country.

Scott: That's right.

Gavin: We can't afford Bangladesh, because the workers have unionized.

Scott: Sadly, correct.

Gavin: And we can't use our place in Laos, because one person gets her scalp ripped off and suddenly, everyone's screaming "regulations".

Scott: Yes.

Gavin: You know, you hear a lot of chatter about the growth of the global economy, but no one wants to talk about the downside.

Scott:Gavin, there is one other manufacturing option we haven't discussed yet, which considering the current circumstances, might be worth consideration.

Gavin: I'm open to anything.

Scott: America.

Gavin: Fuck you.

Fifty-One Percent [5.8] edit

Henry: Gavin, you've staked the entire future of this company on the Signature Box Three. Where are they?

Gavin:' Well, the last two months have been challenging. The Chinese were petulant. The North Carolinians proved very entitled. And I held out hopes for our experiment in the Yukon Territories. But as it happens, the Inuit are surprisingly adept at collective bargaining. But fear not, I am in the early stages of a new plan. Did you know that some of America's most capable, motivated laborers are, at this moment, awaiting execution?

Gavin: You expect me to work for Jeff Bezos? No fucking way. I mean, don't take this as any kind of threat, but if Amazon buys this company, I am out.

Rachel: We spoke to Jeff an hour ago. It sounds like the two of you are on the same page about that.

Season 6 edit

Artificial Lack of Intelligence [6.01] edit

Gilfoyle: [talking about Richard as he fumbles during the committe hearing broadcast] He looks like a child in a custody hearing.

Dinesh: But, like, you don't feel sorry for him. You just want him to go away and not have any parents at all.

Dinesh: Um, Gilfoyle? What the fuck is going on? 'Cause I just texted you, and you were-- Um, we've been texting back and forth all day. Was that not you?

Gilfoyle: Complicated question. Is your shadow you?

Dinesh: Was that a bot?

Gilfoyle: Yes.

Dinesh: So I spent all day chatting with a bot?

Gilfoyle: Yes.

Dinesh: You made an AI Gilfoyle?

Gilfoyle: Yes.

Dinesh: And I was talking to it?

Gilfoyle: Do you need the real me for this conversation?

Dinesh: My auntie sent me a Hawaiian shirt. AI Dinesh must've told her about Hawaii.

Gilfoyle: Stop. Why would AI Dinesh be talking to your aunt? I specifically told you you could only use it with Gabe.

Dinesh: But it was going so well with Gabe that I might've given AI Dinesh access to all my contacts [Gilfoyle glares at him] just to handle talking to my auntie, and my parents

Gilfoyle: Why would you give AI Dinesh access to your contacts, you fucking moron? I'm one of your contacts.

Dinesh: So?

Gilfoyle: So, at some point, AI Dinesh is going to reach out to AI Gilfoyle.

Dinesh: Oh, fuck. [a power outage of the entire building occurs shortly after]

Gilfoyle: "Oh, fuck" indeed.