- Directed by Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jenson. Written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio. Story by William Steig (book)
- I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!
- [to everyone who has been forced into the swamp] What are you doing in my swamp?!! [echoes]
- Now I'm a flyin', talkin' donkey! You mighta seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't neva seen a donkey fly!
- (after Shrek roars, trying to scare him off) Oh my! That was REALLY scary. And if you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or somethin', 'cause your breath STINKS!
- I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
- We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!
- [after the Dragon eats Farquaad] All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!
- [Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]
- 1st Villager: Do you know what that thing could do to you?
- 2nd Villager: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread!
- Shrek: [exposes himself] Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
- 3rd Villager: [waves his torch in front of Shrek] Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
- [Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match]
- 3rd Villager: [nervously] Right.
- Shrek: [roars ferociously] ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!!!
- [he waits until the villagers have stopped screaming]
- Shrek: [whispers] This is the part where you run away.
- [the villagers do so]
- Shrek: (laughs) And stay out!
- Old Lady: [moves Donkey's lips] I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw.
- Captain: [annoyed] Get her outta my sight.
- Shrek: [to Donkey] WHY...are you following me?
- Donkey: Oh, I'll tell you why. [sings]
- 'Cause I'm all alone.
- There's no one here beside me.
- My problems have all gone.
- There's no one to deride me!
- But ya gotta have friends!
- Shrek: Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
- Donkey: Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
- Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?
- Donkey: Uh... [looks Shrek up and down] really tall?
- Shrek: No, I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
- Donkey: [shakes his head happily] Nope.
- Shrek: [surprised] Really?
- Donkey: Really really.
- Donkey: [eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home] I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
- Shrek: I like my privacy.
- Donkey: Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know...
- [silence ensues]
- Donkey: ...Can I stay with you?
- Shrek: What?
- Donkey: Can I stay with you... please?
- Shrek: Of course!
- Donkey: Really?
- Shrek: No.
- Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! [slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look] Well, maybe you do, but that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta lemme stay!
- Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!
- Shrek: Ohh!
- Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?
- Shrek: OUTSIDE!
- Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run, as you fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
- Gingy: You're a monster.
- Lord Farquaad: I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
- Gingy: Eat me! [spits at Farquaad]
- Lord Farquaad: [grunts] I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--
- [he reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]
- Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
- Lord Farquaad: All right, then, who's hiding them?!
- Gingy: Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
- Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?
- Gingy: The muffin man.
- Lord Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-- Who lives down Drury Lane?
- Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man...
- Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?!
- Gingy: THE MUFFIN MAN!
- Lord Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.
- The greatest fairy tale never told.
- The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.
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