Role Models
2008 film by David Wain
Role Models is a 2008 American comedy film about two energy drink salesmen who are ordered to perform 150 hours of community service as punishment for various offenses.
- Directed by David Wain.
Dialogue edit
- [from trailer]
- Wheeler: What up, Ronnie? It's good to meet you. [sits down] What you drawing there? Oh Beyoncé. She's smoking!
- Ronnie: I don't wanna take my pants off!
- Wheeler: (stunned) What?
- Danny: I bet if i suggested a game of Quidditch, he'd cum in his pants.
- [from trailer]
- Ronnie: Suck it, "Reindeer Games"!
- Danny: I'm not Ben Affleck!
- Ronnie: You white, then you Ben Affleck. Right, Wheeler?
- Wheeler: Yeah. You are white.
- Danny: That's true, I am white.
- Kid: Hey! Nice cow outfit, homo! Where can I pick one of those up, the gay zoo?
- Danny: Oh no, it's not a cow, it's a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet.
- Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her.
- Gayle: I got a long-standing relationship with this judge and I don't wanna get too graphic but I used to suck his dick for drugs.
- Martin: [observes Wheeler and Danny having popcorn thrown at them] I've heard of popcorn in the face, but this is ridiculous!
- Gayle: Language, Ronnie!
- Ronnie: My language is English and this motherfucker tried to grab my hang-dang.
- Gayle: Did Wheeler ever expose himself to you?
- Ronnie: Hell, no!
- Wheeler: Hey, Martin! What are you doing out here?
- Martin: Just doin' my perimeter check!
- Wheeler: Hey, did you know that dinosaurs are not extinct? Because birds are dinosaurs, and they're everywhere.
- Martin: Okay! [laughing nervously] Now, all right.
- Wheeler: I gotta pee. I really gotta pee.
- Wheeler: What the hell? I don't have crabs. What have you been telling them, Ronnie?
- Ronnie: You got crabs.
- Wheeler: You sexy like a chocolate strawberry.
- Ronnie: Honky wanted a fistful of my balls!
- Danny: (while urinating neon green liquid) Jeez, it's like Shrek's piss.
- Gayle: You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. You know what I used to eat for lunch? Cocaine.
- Wheeler: What'd you have for dinner?
- Danny: Was it cocaine?
- Kuzzik: Now let us gingerly touch our tips.
- Esplen: Um... Augie, now that I'm queen... I was wondering if, maybe, you'd want to be my... king?
- Augie: (smiling) Sure! [pause] Am I supposed to kiss you now? (Esplen giggles and they kiss] (to himself) Fuck, yeah!
- Ronnie: Sometimes I call myself "The Booby Watcher", and I have my own comic book. "The Adventures of The Booby Watcher".
- Danny: Hey, pick us up in two hours.
- Ronnie: Fuck you, Miss Daisy.
- Gayle: (appropriately hugging Martin) This is a perfectly acceptable hug between a little and a big. (hugging him from behind) This is not.
- Wheeler: Well, obviously we're not supposed to buttfuck these kids.
- Gayle: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I'm-full-of-shit?
- Wheeler: In what way are we full of shit?
- Danny: Which one of us has the Ph.D?
- Gayle: Don't you come in here preaching to me about hours when you're standing over there, and you're standing over there, and I don't know which way is up!
- Gayle: Why don't you two guys go home, put down some lines of selfishness, which is your blow, close the shades, take the phone off the hook, grab a straw, and snort!
- Duane: We are gonna make s'mores with white chocolate.
- Martin: Oh-ho, I don't know if I agree with that.
- Danny: Goddamn it, Ronnie!
- Ronnie: What? Because I'm black you think I did it?
- Danny: No, 'cause you did it is why I think you did it. (Ronnie jumps on tent pole) Let me tell you something, I am not your Big, and I'll hit you. I will hit a child. I've never done that before, but I will punch you in the face.
- Ronnie: Let's dance, Ben Affleck!
- Danny: Man, why do you bow for that guy?
- Augie: Because he's the king, and he rules the entire realm.
- Danny: Oh, he rules the entire realm? Oh, my bad. Is that when he is or isn't whacking it to The Sims?
- Augie: Hey, Danny, you wanna come see my turtle?
- Danny: I'm fine.
- Ronnie: Of course he has a turtle.
- Danny: No, I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.
- Danny: It's not you, I hate having dinner with people.
- Danny: I'm in a rut, we're in a rut. Let's shake things up. I have an idea, let's get married! I don't have a ring...
- Gayle: I will sign your sheets but you need to know I am not here to service your hours. I'm here to service these young boys.
- Augie: Naysayers tell me "You should be embarrassed", "You should not be fighting", "You look like a young Marvin Hamlisch". I say "Nay, I am not embarrassed", "I will fight", "Who the fuck is Marvin Hamlisch?"
- Danny: He wrote the music for The Sting.
- Wheeler: That's a good movie.
- Linda the Teacher: You sit down, young man. You have been a bad boy!
- Wheeler: I've been bad.
- Linda the Teacher: And now you're gonna have to stay after class.
- Wheeler: Oh, man. Look. Even though this is one of my top four all-time fantasies, I can't, okay? I want to, but I gotta go find my friend.
- Linda the Teacher: Oh, yeah? You sure? [she takes off her dress]
- Wheeler: Oh, my God.
- Linda the Teacher: Do what you need to do
- Wheeler: He'll be fine. He's 10. Come here. Let's go.
- Beth: Yes, Wheeler?
- Wheeler: This may be a stupid question. The Get Out of Jail Free Card: Is that real?
- Beth: That's not a stupid question.
- Danny: It's real in the game of Monopoly.
- Wheeler: Yeah it's based on true events.
- Danny: Like what?
- Wheeler: Chance.
- Wheeler: Did you know that bald eagles are known to engage in a bizarre mating ritual where two eagles fly upwards, lock talons, and fall towards the earth while rotating, separating almost before they crash into the ground, if and only if they consummate their bird fuck. If they don't, they are willing to accept their death by hard ground. It's the ultimate race against the clock.
- Augie: Why are you telling me this?
- Wheeler: Why would I not?
- Gayle: Oh, and F.Y.I., you're playing on this girl's court now, okay? So you're playing by her rules.
- Wheeler: Are you the coach?
- Gayle: I am the coach. I'm the coach and I'm the point guard, I'm the two forwards, the center, and I'm the other guard. I'm the entire organization.
- Danny: Do you like coke?
- Augie: I like the idea of it more than I actually like it.
- Kuzzik: Diana has put away her bosom. Apollo has lifted his skirt. The day has been launched.
- Kuzzik: Lets get ready to dance... with swords!
- Ronnie: Chicken wings, chicken wings, hot dogs and baloney, Chicken and macaroni, Chillin' with my homies, Chicken wings, Chicken wings.
- Kuzzik: Rub-a-dub-dub!
- Wheeler: (Kiss's "Love Gun" plays on the stereo) You see, Ronnie? His dick is the gun!
- Danny: Eight hours down, 142 to go.
- Wheeler: This sucks ass.
- Danny: Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right? Give me a fucking break.
- Gayle: I know why you're here, so don't BS a BSer, Ok? Your "Presence" here, court ordered.
- Danny: Why did you put presence in quotes? Are you implying that we aren't here?
- Ronnie: ♪ We are the butts of Chip Monk ass. But we got the ass butt, oh yo ass butt! ♪
- Wheeler: Come on, sit down! Please! Danny?
- Danny: I like Ronnie's version better. I like how it evokes the concept of "ass" and "butt".
- Wheeler: Yeah, I know what you need.
- Danny: KISS? Are you kidding? Oh, God.
- Wheeler: I love KISS.
- Danny: No one loves kiss. Paul Stanley is sick of KISS.
- Wheeler: Whoa! Don't dis the Star-child.
- Danny: Hey, don't get me wrong, alright, I like to rock and roll all night. And part of every day.
- Wheeler: Party every day. Rock and roll all night and party every day.
- Danny: I like to rock and roll part of every day.
- Wheeler: Party every day.
- Danny: I usually have errands. I can rock and roll from like one to three.
- Wheeler: You know what's great about this job?
- Danny: You mean besides nothing?
- Wheeler: We're making the world a better place.
- Danny: How?
- Wheeler: You know, give the kids an energy boost to stay off drugs.
- Danny: We're selling them nuclear horse piss for six bucks a can, what an accomplishment.
- Wheeler: Feels good, doesn't it. Plus it's totally easy to do hung over. I could do this job forever.
- Danny: If I had to do this job forever, I'd put a bullet in my head.
- Wheeler: What's up, minotards?
- Mitch: What's up, Wheeler?
- Wheeler: My dick!
- Beth: Danny! What is your problem?
- Danny: I'm sorry, alright? I'm not Wheeler, happy in some brainless job. No goals, no ambition.
- Beth: You don't know how Wheeler feels. For all you know he hates his job as much as you do.
- Wheeler: I love this job!
- Guy: Hey Wheeler, she's tasting your beast!
- Barista: Good morning, can I take your order?
- Beth: Can I get a tall chai?
- Danny: And a large black coffee.
- Barista: A what?
- Danny: Large black coffee.
- Barista: Do you mean a Venti?
- Danny: No, I mean a large.
- Beth: He means a Venti. Yeah, the biggest one you got.
- Barista: Venti is large.
- Danny: No, Venti is twenty.
- Beth: Danny.
- Danny: Yeah. "Large" is large. In fact, "Tall" is large. And "Grandé" is Spanish for "Large."
- Beth: Danny?
- Danny: Venti's the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. [sarcastically] Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages.
- Barista: [annoyed and irritated] Look, dick. Venti is a large coffee.
- Danny: Really? Says who? Fellini?
- Beth: [to Barista] How much is that? Here's a $10.
- Danny: [to Barista] Do you, uh, accept lira, or is it all Euros now?
- Beth: [to Barista] You know what, just keep the change. [to Danny, annoyed] Jesus, Dan, you know what they call the sizes here. You know what, you've been picking fights with everybody. The girl at the party--
- Danny: She said ASAP.
- Beth: [sarcastically] Oh, ASAP. Oh, I'm sorry. Huge crime.
- Danny: It's like "24/7," or "Been there, done that." You hate that, too.
- Beth: I don't hate it enough to let it ruin my day. Ugh. It's getting worse. You know, man, the sun is shining. But you have lost the ability to take any joy in life. I-I can't stand it anymore! You're just a miserable dick now! You're mean to everybody! And F.Y.I. (For your information), it's called a Venti because it's 20 ounces! 20! Venti!
- [Beth storms out, and Danny looks at his coffee]
- Danny: [to everyone; curiously] Is that true?
- Danny: She says I take no joy in life.
- Wheeler: I can see that.
- Danny: I gotta talk to her.
- Wheeler: Aw, forget her, man. Let me give you a little motto I live my life by: You gotta hit it and quit it. No ties, tangle free, nobody tells me what to do. I get to bang bang bang the drum.
- Danny: That's not a motto, that's... that's just you saying a bunch of things. You know, that's right. I'm a dick. And I'm in a rut. Just going from school to school selling poison to our nation's youth.
- Wheeler: It's not poison. It's got juice in it.
- Danny: You know what? We're making a detour.
- Wheeler: What?
- Danny: We're making a detour.
- Wheeler: Where?
- Danny: We're making a detour.
- Wheeler: Why?
- Danny: Who is this guy?
- Beth: Thank you Mr. Garvin. He's a thief.
- Mr. Garvin: Falsely accused.
- Danny: Yeah, well, he looks like Phil Collins.
- Wheeler: (in a Minotaur suit) Woo! Taste the beast! Stay off drugs! Minotaur!!
- Danny: Drugs. Why do kids take drugs? Because they're awesome? No, maybe they just understand that life is pain and if you smoke something or take a pill it will go away for a while. I'll drink to that.
- Wheeler: (in a Minotaur suit) Dude-dude-dude-dude, come on.
- Danny: No, no no, no. People say "Embrace life. Enjoy life. Just do it! Live it! Rock it!" Fuck it! Because life is horrible. You know, I may not be so happy go lucky, but I'm a realist. Get ready to have your dreams dashed, kids, 'cause nothing's going to work out the way you think it's going to. Gin gin! By the way, this stuff's poison.
