Reba (TV series)

Reba is an American sitcom starring Reba McEntire which ran from 2001 to 2007. The show aired on The WB for the first five years and the final season aired on the CW network.

Opening theme

• My roots are planted in the past
  And though my life is changing fast
  Who I am is who I wanna be
  A single mom who works two jobs
  Who loves her kids and never stops
  With gentle hands and a heart of a fighter
  I'm a survivor

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Dr. Peters: Okay, why don't we begin with the custody arrangements?

Cheyenne: Oh, I wanna live with Dad.

Jake: I wanna stay with Mom.

Kyra: Is boot camp an option?

---

Kyra: Barbra Jean's pregnant?!

Jake: I thought Cheyenne was pregnant!

Cheyenne: Shut up, Jake!

Kyra: Back off. He's just a stupid kid.

Jake: I'm not stupid. She left the pregnancy test in the trash can.

---

Reba: Why is it we're the only family in Texas without a gun?

---

Kyra: So when Daddy marries Barbra Jean, what am I supposed to call her anyway?

Reba: You're not supposed to call her anything, when you see her at the Wal-Mart, just point to her and say, "There she is. The woman who stole my daddy."

---

Brock: Reba, I have to marry her!

Reba: Have to? The only reason you'd have to marry her is-- Oh my God!

Cheyenne: Dad! How could you!?

---

Kyra: Don't worry, Mom, I know all about birth control.

Reba: Oh, really? And what age is it appropriate for a young lady to become sexually active?

Kyra: 40.

Reba: Have I mentioned you're my favorite?

---

Barbra Jean: There she is, the mother of the bride.

Reba: (crying) You were only supposed to bring the ice.

---

Reba: Momma's got a dark side

---

Cheyenne: Getting married is so much fun! We should have done this in our junior year!

Reba: No, honey you were smart to wait.

The Honeymoon’s Over Or Now What [1.02]

Barbra Jean: God created women to carry babies and men to carry footballs.

(Everyone turns and looks at Brock)

Dr. Susan Peters: You are just precious.

---

Reba: My parents gave this pillow to Brock and me for our third aniversary.

Kyra: Well, we know it's not a magic pillow.

---

Cheyenne: I need to wear something that says: "Mrs. Montgomery."

Kyra: How about a t-shirt that says: "I'm with Stupid?"

---

Reba: Nothing says eternal love like the pooka.

---

Reba [to Cheyenne]: So how are you doing in here?

Cheyenne: Good, Van fell between the beds, once when we weren't even doing anything!

Reba: I really gotta stop asking questions...

---

Van: It doesn't matter where we sleep just as long as I'm with my wife.

Cheyenne: My husband.

Kyra: My lunch.

---

Reba [to Brock]: When you knocked up your hygienist, you lost the right to touch my muffins!

Someone’s At the Gyno With Reba [1.03]

(Jake is playing with a uterus model at the gynecologist's office)

Brock: Jake, put that down. The uterus is not a toy.

---

(After Cheyenne didn't say anything about how Van decorated the room)

Kyra: Well, that sucked!

Reba: Tell me about it!

---

Cheyenne: (as she opens the fridge, which is full of food) There is like nothing in here!

---

Cheyenne: Do you think Dad would care about what kind of bedspread is on the bed?!

Reba: It's obvious that your father doesn't care about what's on his bed!

You Make Me Sick [1.04]

Van [to Cheyenne]: I want you to stop vomiting.

Cheyenne: If I could control it I'd do it on you right now.

---

Van: Coach said B.J. was only sick for one day and do you know why that is?

Cheyenne: I don't know, something to do with Jesus?

---

Reba: There's no teenage orgy on our lawn. There's a couple frisky squirrels but I just tell Jake they're dancing.

---

Jake: Mom, singing's lame.

The Steaks Are High [1.05]

Reba (looks at her watch): It's 5:00 AM, somebody better whack me with a mallet.

---

Van: See...Mrs. H, I'm "Player of the Week."

Reba: So I heard...Ungawa

---

Reba (after agreeing to Van's plea that she host the team's steak dinner): Boy he sure makes it hard to say no.

Cheyenne (smiling suggestively): Tell me about it.

---

Kyra: Mom, you hold them down and I'll whack them with the mallet!

Cheyenne: It's Marci & Luanne. They're on the drill team.

Kyra: Mom, you hold them down and I'll whack them with the mallet!

The Man and the Moon [1.06]

Brock: Why is your blouse all wet?

Reba: I entered a wet blouse contest.

---

Cheyenne: What if the baby logs on one day and sees this?

Reba: Don't worry. By the time the baby is old enough to log on, there will be a whole new crop of butts out there.

Tea and Antipathy [1.07]

Cheyenne: Mom, you rolled Van's socks into a ball.

Reba: What am I supposed to do with them? Make puppets?

Cheyenne: He likes them folded, otherwise they droop.

Reba: Things droop, Cheyenne. You'll learn that in life.

---

Reba: Van's mom never sits at the table. She might accidentally eat something.

---

Reba: [to Cheyenne] I have an idea, why don't you go shopping and pick up your husband's special milk?

Cheyenne: [laughing] I'm a married woman now. I don't have time to go grocery shopping.

---

Don't Know Much About History [1.08]

Reba: [to Van] Let me help you study.

Van: It won't help, Mrs. H.

Reba: Let's give it a try. Let me see that. Well, I can see the trouble started early. You spelled your name wrong.

Van: Shoot! I knew that one!

---

Reba: Life doesn't always turn out the way you thought it would. I always thought I'd be a singer.

---

Brock: Who fought the War of 1812?

Van: Soldiers.

Brock: Which soldiers?

Van: I have to know their names!?

Cheyenne: No, which country?

Van: Oh! I have no idea.

---

Every Picture Tells a Story [1.09]

Reba: Kyra, Cheyenne just felt the baby move.

Kyra: It's probably just gas.

Cheyenne: I don't get gas.

Kyra: We shared a room.

---

Reba: Lori Ann Garner!

Lori Ann: Reba Las Vegas!

---

Lori Ann: [to Reba] Catch me up. How's the divorce going?

Reba: Well, right now we're at the "dissolution of property" stage.

Lori Ann: Two words of advice: kill him. I took Robert for everything he had.

Reba: And he deserved it, sleeping with your housekeeper.

Lori Ann: No, That was John, husband number two. I kinda miss him and so does my housekeeper.

---

Van: [to Cheyenne] I told you I'm not going maternity shopping again. Those women look at me like they know what I did.

Cheyenne: But I need clothes that make it clear I'm pregnant, not fat.

---

When Good Credit Goes Bad [1.10]

Reba: Brock, you can't have two wives at the same time. They even made a law about it!

---

Brock: See, my lawyer told me about this form that you can sign, saying that I can get married before our divorce is actually final.

Reba: You want me to sign a permission slip for bigamy?

---

Brock: [to Reba] I know that Barbra Jean asking you to be the maid of honor was a little much, but we do need someone to sing.

Reba: I don't think you'd like the song I'd pick.

---

Meet the Parents [1.11]

Van: It's a heart keychain?

Cheyenne: It's because you hold the key to my heart.

---

Reba: [to Brock] If you don't come over, my parents are going to think there's something wrong with this family!

Kyra: Hello?

---

A Mid-Semester's Night Dream [1.12]

Mrs. Hodge: The policy of this school has always been that sex doesn't exist.

Reba: How's that working for you?

---

Brock: Reba, how could you start working without consulting me?!

Reba: Excuse me, aren't we getting a divorce?

Brock: I just don't like the idea about turning Kyra and Jake into latchkey kids.

Reba: [to Kyra] I smell your influence here.

Kyra: It was latchkey that gave it away, wasn't it?

---

Brock's Swan Song [1.13]

Reba: Where is John D now?

Brock: Oh, I don't know, Reba. I'm not a religious man.

---

Barbara Jean: [to Jake] Do you miss your grandpa?

Jake: I don't really remember him.

Barbara Jean: That's okay. You'll meet him again someday.

Jake: How?

Barbara Jean: Well, when you die, you'll go to Heaven and meet other people who have died. Everyone from Adam and Eve to Frank Sinatra!

---

The Story of a Divorce [1.14]

Lori Ann: [to Reba] Here's one. Pilot. Looks great in a uniform. It'll be a chance for you to join the mile high club!

Reba: I'm already a member.

---

Lori Ann: Married, dead, gay, gay, gay...

Reba: Three of them are gay?

Lori Ann: No, just the one, but he came out in a big way.

---

You May Kick the Bride [1.15]

Reba: Brock, I'm the ex-wife. "Ex" as in, "ex"-cuse me, I'm not interested.

---

Jake: [to BJ] You look like a giant marshmallow!

---

Cheyenne [while talking about BJ]: She says the bow is supposed draw attention away from the baby.

Reba: I'm sorry, did you say something? I couldn't take my eyes off that bow.

---

Vanny Dearest [1.16]

Sue Montgomery: Vanny!

Van: Mommy!

Cheyenne: Shoot me.

---

Cheyenne: Look at this. You can actually have a baby underwater.

Van: I hear whales do that.

Cheyenne: Was that a slam?

---

He's Having a Baby [1.17]

Reba: Where was that man when we were married? What were we? Your practice family?

---

Maya: [to Van] Didn't you have a different Mommy last time?

Reba: His Mommy has a paper due. I'm his Mommy's Mommy.

---

Labor of Love [1.19]

Brock: [to Reba] Dear Lord, we have to get to the hospital before she names that baby Jesus.

---

Barbra Jean: I think my water broke.

Reba: Oh, no! You're sitting on my purse!

---

The King and I [1.20]

Reba: So the priest left during confession?

Lori Ann: All I said was that he had nice eyes!

Reba: You are a desperate, desperate woman.

---

Brock: Look on the bright side. It's prom night and we don't have to worry about our daughter getting pregnant.

---

Up a Treehouse Without a Paddle [1.21]

Reba: You do know that you conceived this child when Brock and I were still married.

Barbra Jean: I don't mind.

---

Cheyenne: I wore two different shoes to school today because I can't see my feet. [everyone laughs]

Reba: Okay, that's not funny.

Kyra: Not as funny as watching her get out of a chair. [everyone starts laughing again]

---

Van [after getting hit in the crotch with a board] Okay, that's only funny if you're expecting it...

---

It Ain't Over Until The Redhead Sings [1.22]

Reba: This is Cheyenne and Van's graduation day!

Kyra: This is me gagging on Cheyenne and Van's graduation day!

---

Cheyenne: I'm a mommy.

Van: I'm a daddy.

Kyra: You two sure catch on fast.

---

Season 2

House Rules [2.01]

Reba: What kind of a moron can't make toast?

---

Brock: I want you to apologize to Barbra Jean.

Reba: Hold on a second. [goes outside and looks up]

Brock: What are you doing?

Reba: Checking for flying pigs.

---

Skating Away [2.02]

Van: Mrs. H., you have to maintain a "C"- average. Who do you think I am, Albert Weinstein?

Reba: Van, I think you mean Albert Einstein.

Van: No, I mean Albert Weinstein. He was the smart kid in the senior class. [sarcastically] Wow, Einstein!

---

Reba: [to Kyra] We'll skate, we'll play Candy Land, we'll go down to the river and shoot rats if you want.

---

Proud Reba [2.03]

Reba: Well, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to get a job. [everyone laughs; Reba has a serious look on her face]

Cheyenne: Oh, you were serious?

---

Reba Works for Brock [2.04]

Kyra: Mom, what's with the smiley face sticker?

Reba: Don't ask.

---

Brock: You know, Barbara Jean wants this to work out more than anyone. She considers you a friend.

Reba: Why?! Why does she like me so much!

Brock: Everyone likes you, Reba. That's your curse.

---

Reba: Look, Brock, I'm just trying to do my job. So, your 3:00 teeth cleaning is waiting on you, at 4:00, you got a root canal and at 7:00, you should have sex with your wife. Coffee?

Brock: D-did you just say what I think you said??

Reba: Well, I must have, my whole mouth just went numb!

---

It's Jake's Party, Cry if You Want to [2.05]

Kyra: I thought you said Barbra Jean is where brain cells go when they die.

---

Reba [to Cheyenne] Hey. I brought you a corner piece.

Cheyenne: I don't feel like eating cake right now.

Reba: [sits down next to Cheyenne] But you always like a corner piece. I remember when you were little...

Cheyenne: My baby is crying, Mom. [A tear falls down her cheek]

Reba: Oh, I thought that was Van.

---

Reba: Cheyenne, I know this is tough.

Cheyenne: Really you do??

Reba: Yeah, sweetie. I do. I remember sitting outside your door fretting the same way, but I knew in my heart it was the best thing for you.

Cheyenne: Well, it doesn't feel right in my heart. You know all these things that are supposed to be the right things to do, in the morning when I leave her to go to school, when I come home and she's all ready in bed, and when I have to study French Philosophy instead of playing peek-a-boo with her, well, they just don't feel right, Mom. Not to me.

---

Safe Dating [2.06]

Van: What's up with the teenager?

Reba: I don't know, she's been awful moody lately. I can't figure out why.

Van: Thirteen-year-old girl, could be anything. School, friends, stock market.

---

Greg: Greg Hewitt, Dylan's father.

Reba: Reba Hart, Kyra's nightmare.

---

Kyra: [to Reba about Dylan] I don't like him anymore. He's a huge crybaby. At first I thought he was sensitive, but he's a huge crybaby. He cries at the drop of a hat. I mean literally he dropped his hat and burst into tears.

---

Mommy Nearest [2.07]

Reba: Barbra Jean, get out of my house.

---

Reba: I bet he cried! Did he cry like a little school girl?

Barbra Jean: More like whimpers really. [makes whimpering sounds]

---

Switch [2.08]

Brock: [about Reba dating again] Actually, I think you should do it.

Reba and Lori Ann: What!?

Brock: Yeah, it's been long enough. You deserve to be happy.

Reba: So, you two agree that I should go out?

Brock and Lori Ann: Yeah.

Reba: Well, if you two agree on something, then maybe I should do it!

---

Kyra: [about babysitting Jake] It's not fair! Why can't you babysit Jake?! I mean, you're married with a kid. I still have a life!

Cheyenne: What is the big deal? I used to babysit you all the time!

Kyra: Yeah, right! You used to stick me in my room while you sat on the couch making out with your boyfriend!

Cheyenne: [smiles] Oh, right!

---

Ring-a-Ding [2.09]

Kyra: Hurry up and open the door. I want to meet my new daddy.

---

Reba: I don't think people should ring-a-ding to see if they fall in love. I think people should ring-a-ding because they're already in love.

---

Brock: Kyra, we are not leaving!

Kyra: Why don't you just give me the room key and I'll go watch the moving picture box.

---

Cheyenne: Mom, you can relax. You have a great body.

Reba: Oh, well, this is an awkward mother-daughter moment.

---

Cheyenne [to Reba] Mom, don't worry. I'm sure he thinks you look great naked.

Reba: I think your father is ready to go! [starts pushing Cheyenne through the door]

Cheyenne: What are you so freaked out about? We can talk about stuff like his.

Reba: Cheyenne, stop! This is none of your business. You are my child, not my girlfriend. I appreciate your interest and that you think Brian has a "hot" body, but this isn't something I'm comfortable talking to you about.

Cheyenne: Mom, I may be your daughter, but I am also a married woman. I think this is great as long as you two are being careful. You are being careful, right?

Reba: Cheyenne! Yes! Very careful! 100% fool-proof careful!

Cheyenne: Oh. I just thought...

Reba: No!

Cheyenne: Not even a little bit?

Reba: I don't fully understand that question, but no.

---

Cookies for Santa [2.10]

Reba: [to Brock] I didn't buy a bike, you butt!

---

Barbra Jean: What can I do?

Reba: Well, you can stand out on the front porch and monitor the weather.

---

A Moment in Time [2.11]

Reba: Don't worry about Kyra. She's at that age where she doesn't want to be part of the family anymore. You hit that age at about 40, right, Brock?

---

Brock: Reba, you're making a big mistake.

Reba: Said the man who married Barbra Jean.

---

Barbra Jean: Wow. The last time I was video-taped in a bedroom, I didn't know about it.

---

The Rings [2.12]

Reba: You gave Cheyenne a beautiful ring.

Van: Even better. I gave her a love for inexpensive jewelry!

---

Barbra Jean: Brock got me this engagement ring. I think some old lady died and it's an antiquity.

Reba: Barbara jean that's my engagement ring!

---

Kyra: Wearing an engagement ring from a ruined marriage? That's like wearing the clothes of a dead person.

---

The Vasectomy [2.13]

Reba: Which is why you are going to find a 30-page essay named "Teenagers having babies is stupid, stupid, stupid."

---

Kyra: It's a shame that speedy isn't going to greet you at the door anymore.

---

Reba: [opens the door] Barbra Jean? Have you been standing here?

Barbra Jean: Yes! For 30 minutes.

Reba: Okay. [closes the door]

---

Location, Location, Location [2.23]

Reba: I crushed her dream of going to England, then I threw up a cookie.

---

Reba: Kyra! It's not funny that you're going to England. It's exciting! And all that because you are a good student and you like drinking tea.

---

Reba: [to Cheyenne] Do you know what I'm doing? I'm making macaroni and cheese. Do you know why I'm making macaroni and cheese? Because it's Kyra's favorite, and somehow I have to tell her that she doesn't get to go on a trip that she wants and deserves to go on because I have to bail you out again. And I have to do that with macaroni and cheese!

---

Cheyenne: Mom, I promise I'll take all the courses that I dropped.

Reba: Why don't you find a course that gets your head out of your butt?

Van: I don't think they have one or else my counselor would've told me about it.

---

Your Place or Mine? [2.24]

Reba: I'm looking for my gun. Did you know that you can see Barbra Jean's house from here?

---

Reba: You know, Barbra Jean, you don't have to lean through my window. You can get completely off my property.

---

Reba: So that's why you bought a four-bedroom house! So Kyra could move in!

Brock: No! We needed a room for Henry.

Barbra Jean: And I'm thinking of turning the spare bedroom into a library!

Reba: Well, that'll be one lonely book!

---

Season 3

Sister Act [3.16]

Reba: Did that seem weird to you?

Barbra Jean: Yeah, why?

Reba: Because Kyra faked being sick. She's never faked being sick before! She's faked being well cause she wants to go to school!

Barbra Jean: Wow, I am so easily fooled. I wonder if those kids are really blind. You know, I think some of them are just lazy.

---

Barbara Jean: It's always the bullies, or the jocks, or preps. The nerds aren't all that friendly, either!

Reba (to Kyra, ignoring Barbra Jean): How long has this been going on?

Barbra Jean: My whole life!

---

Reba: Kyra, why would you hit someone?

Cheyenne: It's how she shows affection!

Kyra: Yeah, that's right. Why don't come over here for a hug?

---

Brock: Kyra, when things get tough, you have to stick with them. (Reba gives him a look) WELL, AT LEAST I DIDN'T HIT ANYONE!

---

Reba: Kyra! What did this girl do to make you to snap?

Kyra: SHE CALLED CHEYENNE A SLUT! She called Cheyenne a slut, so I punched her, okay?

Cheyenne: Oh my gosh. My psycho sister loves me!

---

Barbra Jean: Kyra, there are two ways you can deal with bullies: You can either hide in a bush till they forget about you, or you can buy them presents. Oh, that reminds me, Reba, I picked you up something nice at the mall.

---

Barbra Jean: No, you can't talk to her teacher! Otherwise, you'll be smashed into a locker with chalk up your nose and duct tape in your hair!

Brock: Oh honey, I'm sorry. I wish I could've been there to protect you.

Reba: Except you were 34.

---

Cheyenne: So she didn't call me a slut?

Kyra: No, she called you a slut, a loser, and a teenage baby-machine.

Cheyenne: You could have just said yes!

---

Cheyenne: It takes one to know one, except I'm not one, but if I was one, then she would have to be one too.

---

Kyra: (about going shopping with Cheyenne) Mom, I have something to confess, and if you ever tell anyone, I'll deny it and I'll never tell you anything again.

Reba: What?

Kyra: I actually had a good time with her! (covers her mouth in surprise)

---

Cheyenne: So what did you like most about talking to me?

Kyra: All the words you mispronounced.

---

Kyra (to Cheyenne): All the times you weren't hugging me. I actually liked talking to you. (Cheyenne goes forward to hug Kyra) All the times you WEREN'T hugging me!

Season 4

Hello, My Name is Cheyenne [4.22]

Cheyenne: Mom, Dad... I have great news... I'm an alcoholic!

(Everyone stares at her)

Van: I'm having a beer.

---

Brock: What's wrong, Van? Are you on the wagon?

Van: Yes! And they shouldn't call it a wagon because wagons are fun!

---

Cheyenne: You probably think this sounds really weird.

Reba: No, baby, I don't.....I think it sounds like A DRINKING PROBLEM!

Cheyenne: But I don't WANT a drinking problem!

Reba: I don't want Barbra Jean living down the street from me either, but crapstorms happen!

Cheyenne (thinks): What am I gonna do?

Reba: The first thing you are gonna do is put the drink down..(points to the counter; Cheyenne sets down her drink)

Reba (walks to Cheyenne): Here's the second thing. (hugs her)

Cheyenne: I'm scared Mom, I really am.

Reba: I know, baby.

Season 5

Where There's Smoke [5.01]

Cheyenne: I do not think smoking is that bad for you... I think tobacco is a vegetable.

---

Van [to Cheyenne]: Hey, can I have one of those vitamins? Give me a Wilma and a Dino. No, I had a Dino yesterday, make it a Barney.

Cheyenne: No. Van those vitamins aren't for you.

Van: What'd you mean they're not for....are these chick vitamins? Will I grow boobs?

Cheyenne: No. Ok, I'm going to tell you something but you cannot repeat it. They're called Disulfiram.

Van: You're right, I can't repeat that.

Season 6

Cheyenne's Rival [6.10]

Bridget: What about all the mean stuff you wrote about me on the bathroom walls. Like Bridget's missing a digit! What does that even mean?!

Cheyenne: Well, I don't know...but it was pretty funny in high school.

---

Reba: (about Bridget) Cheyenne, you've got to let this high school stuff go! We're talking about your home, not who should've been homecoming queen!

Cheyenne: ME!!! I WAS ROBBED!!!

She's With the Band [6.11]

Reba [to Kyra]: Well, here's how a lot of artist's parents feel. You're goin' to college, and that's that!

Kyra: You can't make me. I'm 18.

---

Reba: It is vital that we show a united front we have got to show her that we are all of one mind.

Barbra Jean: (when Kyra walks in) Kyra, it's a trap! Follow your dreams! Run, be free!

The Kids Are Alright [6.13]

Van: Man, my shirt stinks.

Kyra: The washer's broken, do you have your magic butter knife?

Van: (sarcastically) Oh, Ha ha ha!

Kyra: Once again you've won an argument with your wit.

---

Barbra Jean: Can you believe it Reba? Six years ago this family was falling apart and then I came in and put everything back together.

Brock: Barbra Jean, that's not exactly the way I'd put it.

Reba: Hang on Brock, Barbra Jean's right, we got through it all, because we're survivors. [last lines in the series]

External links

• Reba quotes at the Internet Movie Database