Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased)

Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) is the name of a late 1960s British private detective television series and its millennium remake. This page is for quotes from both versions. See below for quotes according to Marty's year of death (1969 or 2000) and the episode title.

1969

My Late, Lamented Friend and Partner

Marty: Poor Jeannie. What'll happen to her now that I've gone?

Jeff: You mean what'll happen to her now that you've come back!

---

Jeff: Glide through the wall.

Marty: Glide?

Jeff: Well, what kind of a ghost are you? Try, at least!

Never Trust a Ghost

Jeff: I don't care if it explains why the Marie Celeste was abandoned by all hands in a calm sea, I still don't want to know!*

(* He does say "Marie Celeste" rather than the correct "Mary Celeste.")

---

Marty: What sort of partnership have we got?

Jeff: A posthumous one, not recognized by law!

Murder Ain't What It Used to Be!

Marty: Right. I told you that yesterday, but you wouldn't believe me, would you, I'm just a ghost, aren't I, fine for looking 'round corners and blowing up balloons, but when it comes to real detection it's Razor-Edge Randall!

---

[Jeff and Marty are discussing what to do about Bugsy, a gangster ghost]

Jeff: You're the ghost, you sort him out.

Marty: Just like that?

Jeff: Well, I can't do anything, can I? And if I start telling Jeannie that her late husband is being blackmailed by the ghost of a Prohibition gangster, she'll go spare!

Whoever Heard of a Ghost Dying?

[Jeannie is trying to make sense of the attempt to exorcise Marty]

Jeannie: But why were they going to so much trouble at the cemetery?

Jeff: Um ... an alibi. They needed you for an alibi.

Jeannie: Oh? But how did you find out?

Jeff: Me? Well, yes ... um . . .

Marty: She told you.

Jeff: You told me.

Jeannie: I did? When?

Jeff: When.

Marty: When Jeannie said she needed the watch.

Jeff: The watch. Marty's watch. Remember?

Jeannie: Yes, but I only said I wanted it for the night.

Marty: Exactly.

Jeff: Exactly.

Jeannie: But how?

Marty: Why else would she need it?

Jeff: Why else would you need it?

Jeannie: Why Jeff! I never realized you were such a good detective.

Marty: Ha!

Jeff: Thanks.

The House on Haunted Hill

Marty: What was all that about?

Jeff: I was just accepting your next case.

Marty: My next case?

Jeff: Yeah. I want you to get over to Merston Manor, take statements from everyone concerned, find out what they're up to.

Marty: Get statements. That's nice. Jeff, are you feeling all right?

Jeff: Fine. And don't let anyone give you any nonsense, 'cause they're all trespassing.

Marty: Who's trespassing?

Jeff: The ghosts. Perfect for you.

Marty: Jeff. Now you know I don't like that sort of thing. Haunted houses give . . . I've got a nervous disposition!

Jeff: You've also got a death certificate, so get over there and find out who's doing all the screaming.

Marty: Screaming?

---

Marty: But a haunted house, Jeff! On my own!

Jeff: If it is haunted you won't be on your own, will you, and you might even pick up a few tips! Now go!

---

Marty: I'm telling you, Jeff, I was terrified.

Jeff: Well, what of? If it's haunted, you should be delighted. Somewhere to go on your night off.

Marty: Very funny.

Jeff: Look, Marty, ghosts are nothing to be scared of.

Marty: How do you know?

Jeff: Because I live with one!

Marty: That is different!

Jeff: Oh yeah? Do I go running around screaming every time you jump out of the woodwork? No. I talk to you like a normal, rational individual. So all you have to do is to go down there and have a nice quiet chat with whoever is doing the haunting!

Marty: Supposing it isn't a nice quiet ghost? For all I know, it can be some silly fool waving a sword about, straight out of Macbeth. And my head is not ending up on a plate for anybody.

---

Jeff: You're fired!

Marty: Fired? What do you mean, fired? You ran away as well. And anyway, you can't fire a partner, especially a dead one.

Jeff: Don't get technical.

Marty: I told you that place was haunted. You wouldn't believe me, would you?

Jeff: What do you think I put you on the case for? I asked you to take one look. One lousy, rotten look.

Marty: Right. You're forgetting one thing. If I can see him, he can see me. And whatever it was he was dragging around, it wasn't a good conduct medal.

When Did You Start to Stop Seeing Things?

[Jeff is waiting for Marty to rescue him and Jeannie]

Jeff: I can't understand what's keeping him!

Jeannie: Keeping who?

Jeff: The one person who knows we're here.

Jeannie [surprised]: Who's that?

Jeff: Well, the way things are going, you'll be meeting him again pretty soon.

The Man From Nowhere

Jeff: Suppose he's still playing Marty Hopkirk. Now where would you have taken her after all this time?

Marty: Oh come on, Jeff, what do you mean where would I have taken her? I wouldn't have taken her anywhere!

Jeff: Now if you'd stop being so stupidly possessive and think Marty! It's important!

Marty: Where would I have taken her?

Jeff: Right.

Marty Well, we used to go hill walking in Scotland.

Jeff: What, this time of year?

Marty: Yeah, Jeannie hated it.

When the Spirit Moves You

Marty: You're hitting the bottle a bit early, aren't you Jeff?

Jeff: I'm not hitting the bottle, Marty. I'm celebrating!

Marty: Celebrating what?

Jeff: A new partnership!

Marty: A what?! A partner? A new partner, just like that? Charming!

Jeff: Now don't get in a state, Marty . . .

Marty [in a state]: State? Who's in a state? I'm not in a state! I just thought, well, you might have consulted me first, that's all.

Jeff: Oh, great. Yeah, we'd all get together down at the cemetery, they'd like that.

Marty: I do not live in a cemetery!

Jeff: That's the address on your death certificate. Anyway, it's only for one case. He's a detective from New York and he needs a bit of help.

Marty: Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?

Jeff: Because I didn't have a chance.

---

Jeff: There are some things you can do, Marty, and some things you can't, but when it comes to tailing a man, and keeping out of sight, you're the best in the business.

---

Marty: Listen, Bream. You're going to go straight to Scotland Yard and tell them about that body.

Bream: Not a chance. And don't try anything, or I'll tell them to pick you up as well.

Marty: Try anything. What can I do? [Pause.] Except haunt you, of course.

Bream: Say what?

Marty: Haunt you. I suppose you do believe in ghosts?

Bream: Oh, sure. All the time.

Marty: Good. Because I'm a ghost.

---

Marty: I don't like the way the fellow outside keeps checking his ammunition!

Jeff [sarcastically]: Thanks. You're a great help.

---

[Jeff might be on the verge of being killed]

Marty: Well, I'll be seeing you, Jeff. One way or the other.

Somebody Just Walked Over My Grave

Jeannie: You still think a lot about Marty too, don't you?

Jeff: He's not an easy man to forget.

---

Marty [lying in a coffin]: This takes me back. Whatever you do, get one that fits!

---

Jeff: You're not backing out again, are you Marty?

Marty: No, but I'm very busy at the moment.

Jeff: What time's the kickoff?

Marty: Three o'cl . . . [he stops, realizing he's been caught out]

Jeff: Come on, we'll get the car.

A Sentimental Journey

[Marty reappears after having been asked by Jeff to keep watch on the woman next door]

Marty: She's getting undressed!

Jeff: So what?

Marty: Now look, Jeff. Jeannie wouldn't like it much.

Jeff: Well, Jeannie won't see it.

Marty: Unless you tell her.

Jeff: Well, they'd put me away if I told her. Now get back in there!

Money to Burn

[Jeff is in jail, and Marty has found out that his alibi was a lie]

Marty: Come on, Jeff. You've got to open up a bit. You're in this pretty deep, you know.

Jeff: I know how deep I'm in, I don't need you to remind me.

Marty: What is it then, some sort of trouble? Blackmail? Is that it? You're being forced to, to cooperate?

Jeff: You're way out.

Marty: Well, to my way of thinking, there's only one possibility left. You were there on Tuesday, and you were there because you wanted to be. That's it, isn't it? You've conned me, the inspector, your own lawyer . . . everybody. Me!

Jeff: Look, Marty, why don't you go to wherever you go to until this thing blows over.

Marty: Oh no, it's not as easy as that, Jeff. I'm supposed to be your friend, someone you turn to. Not someone you make a fool of the minute something goes wrong!

[Jeff doesn't reply]

Marty: All right. If that's the way you want it, I'm going.

[Marty disappears]

Jeff: Marty?

[Marty reappears]

Marty: Yes?

Jeff [after a pause]: Nothing.

Marty: Right.

[Marty disappears again, and Jeff punches the cot]

The Ghost Talks

[Jeff is hospitalized from a fall, and he and Marty are discussing whether Marty was a good detective]

Marty: At least I didn't fall off a balcony. The only time I slipped up, I got killed!

The Trouble With Women

Marty: Her aura was all wrong.

Jeff: Well, it looked all right to me.

Marty: You can't see it.

Jeff: Can you?

Marty: No. But I've got my intuition.

2000

Drop Dead

Jeff: Marty, this is typical of you. Why can't you stay dead like anyone else?

Whatever Possessed You?

Roger Whale: You know its a funny thing, to go the whole distance, believing in one thing... and then on your last day alive, realise you were completely wrong. It's a terrible thing, a closed mind.

Jeff Randall: What happened Roger? You used to be one of the best investigative journalists around.

Roger Whale: I got old Jeff and I got tired. I spent my entire life dealing with wars, famine, disease, poverty, miscarriages of justice and misery, it was killing me. They pay me very well to titillate their readers. I may have lost my credibility, but I've gained a villa in the south of France.