Penn Radio

Penn Passages edit

On Loving Your Job edit

(During an episode of Layperson Penn, Penn explained to a caller about the danger of staying in a job you don't really like.}

PENN: The first thing you do when you get a job (you don't love) is to start trying to get another one. Until you work for yourself and are happy in your job, you are constantly trying. I always believe that once you're doing ok (in a job you don't like), it is best to put a gun to your head. When we first started doing Penn and Teller, the rule that I made with Teller is that we would not take a job outside of show business. There's this big problem that happens is...if you've got a job you don't like, you get addicted to it. I would say, get your expenses as low as you can. save as much money as you can and then really...on good terms, nice to everybody, quit the job so that your job can become, 24 hours a day, finding a job that is really fulfilling. Do not make this mistake that many people make (which is to say), "Well, I don't like my job very much, but I'll spend the money I make there to make myself happier." Live more spartan, cheaper...so that you can get enough money that you can take 3 or 4 weeks to find another job, and then quit. Because it's very hard to find another job (when you already have one), and if a job's not going to get better, you've got to get out before you're addicted. Because if you don't, they'll raise your pay a little bit, you'll get a little nicer car, you'll get a little nicer apartment, you'll start (going out and) living for the weekends, and that is what you do NOT want to do. "If you want to be happy for an hour, go fishing. If you want to be happy for a week, get married. If you want to be happy forever, love what you're doing for a job." I absolutely believe that. That cliche that I tried to quote...you get the basic idea.

- Original air date November 17, 2006.

On Living Your Childhood Dreams edit

PENN: When I was twelve years old, I would sit around with my friends and say "If I had a lot of money, you know what I'd do?" and I can't remember any of it. If it was like a truck of Snickers bars or something, I could afford that now. I can't remember it, so if you happen to be twelve years old and you listen to this show, and you think about "Boy, if I had a million dollars, you know what I'd do?" WRITE IT DOWN!!! Or put it in a file or something. Or email it to yourself with a delay that it gets to you in 30 years, so if you have that money you can pay off the debt to the twelve year old boy. Cause I think you owe that...

There's other promises I made to myself when I was twelve that I've tried to keep, but I can't remember the money ones. But I guess, you know, where I live, I live in a place that looks like a prison. Have a fire pole, you know. I have a sex dungeon. What more do you need to make a twelve year old boy happy?

- Original air date April 14, 2006.

Great Goudeau Quotes edit

Michael Goudeau has an almost precognitive ability to know exactly when Penn is going to be silent for one single blessed second and then jumps in with a brilliant rejoinder. Sometimes crisp and detached, sometimes beleaguered, his humor packs a lot of comedic punch with an economy of words -- an economy no doubt learned while trying to accomplish what seems the near impossible: being a verbal partner to Penn Jillette.

Below is a growing list of some of Goudeau's wit:

On working the worst show ever in Vegas edit

MICHAEL: (after being fired from a juggling gig) It takes three months to get a job as a juggler. I got another job in the worst show ever. The funny part is I had been to this terrible show at the Lady Luck. I had been to this terrible show and it was the worst show ever. And then a friend of mine came on in the spot and it was the spot where everyone in the audience went "this is the worst show ever! I'm going to kill myself. Now who is this jerk?" You know what I mean? That's when they introduced him. And three weeks later I found myself in that spot. That was awful.

PENN: You were awful too?

MICHAEL: No no. I actually tricked them. I said "Can I go on before the show and do about five minutes of juggling comedy to warm up. I'm working on some new material." They said "yeah, okay." Thinking it was some kind of bonus. So I went out and did my five minutes of getting real laughs. And then when they brought me back on, it was still the point where you went "this is the worst show ever. Well, at least this guy is back."

- Original air date June 29, 2006.

On women with a circus clown fetish edit

(Michael reveals he worked as a clown with Ringling Brothers for two years and after long last he finally got the smell of elephant out of his clothes. He traveled via a special circus train and each clown had their own 6' x 3' room on the train. Penn reveals Ringling offered him a contract which he turned down.)

PENN: You gave me a piece information that I did not have when they offered me a contract. And I don't want to get too morning shock jock zoo. If we're going to be morning zoo we're going to be BBQ zoo. You told me that there are women, attractive women, who have a fetish for men in clown makeup. Did you tell me that?

MICHAEL: I did tell you that.

PENN: You want to tell me more?

MICHAEL: I can't elaborate on that. I hate to ruin that secret pact that I have.

PENN: But you told me that...

MICHAEL: Women show up at the circus looking for clowns.

PENN: And you had sex with complete strangers, who didn't care at all about you.

MICHAEL: Does this have to go on the web site?

PENN: This is part of the shrine. You had sex. You said you'd walk out behind where the circus was... what city was it? Maybe she's listening. Maybe she'll call in.

MICHAEL: I don't know.

PENN: Was it more than once?

MICHAEL: I was young. It was a wild time.

PENN: You're just a young guy with a lot of makeup on.

MICHAEL: It was pre-STD, big problem days. We were wild clowns. I was 19. I had $100 a week. If I could get lunch out of a girl, I was going on a date.

PENN: But this was a complete stranger? Right? Did you ever know her name?

MICHAEL: I'm sure I did at the time.

PENN: Okay but how long was the entire relationship?

MICHAEL: Err... several hours.

PENN: You are so cool. The whole time you were in clown makeup?

MICHAEL: Yes.

PENN: With the wig?

MICHAEL: No. Not with the wig. The wig is too itchy. I have to say I draw the line somewhere in my sexual activities. And the wig has to come off.

PENN: So it was you with your regular hair, the floppy Michael Goudeau hair, and then you had your big clown makeup on.

MICHAEL: Red nose.

PENN: Were you having sex in the little train car?

MICHAEL: The funny thing about the train car, if you had a date, the bed folds up into the wall. So, at the point when things looked as though they would progress, you had to talk the woman into leaving the room, so that you could fold down the bed. Which of course alerted every other clown on the clown car -- there are 30 clowns on this train car -- if you were standing in the hallway just chatting with a woman while you folded down the bed.

PENN: That's the life!

- Original air date January 6, 2006.

On PlayPumps edit

(Penn discusses 50Lanterns.org and Michael proposes something he thinks is cooler.)

MICHAEL: ...this is a guy who has designed children's playground equipment to pump water. So you can install this out in Ethiopia, where the guy should be digging the wells, and let kids play on it and it fills up the water for the town.

PENN: Now is this is an idea that people are actually doing? Or is this a Michael Goudeau whackjob idea like BBQ covers?

MICHAEL: No, this is... people are doing this! It fills a 30 foot high tank with water while the children play on their playground equipment.

PENN: Do you have a URL on it, since you're reading off your computer?

MICHAEL: I don't

PENN: You don't? What do you mean you don't?

MICHAEL: I have an article about it at SoJourners magazine, sorry.

PENN: Really, but theres... you don't have a URL, did you look for playpump, did you go do a search?

MICHAEL: PlayPump! Play dash Pump dot com!

PENN: You did find it!

MICHAEL: No I'm just kinda making that up..

PENN: Don't say the wrong... hahaa... don't give out wrong URL's out on the air. What is wrong with you? You've been crazy these past weeks.

MICHAEL: I don't know what's happened.

PENN: You've gone nuts.

MICHAEL: I have.

PENN: Yeah you've just gone wacky. There's nothing here about... Oh wait a minute, water journal, case study, round-about, outdoor.. playpump...

MICHAEL: PLAYPUMPS DOT ORG!

PENN: No it's not is it...

MICHAEL: IT IS! YEEHOOO!

PENN: Is there a dash there?

MICHAEL: There's no dash.

PENN: There's no dash...

- Original air date April 10, 2006.

On giving money to the homeless edit

(Penn is talking about a law in Las Vegas to make it illegal to give food to the homeless in public parks.)

PENN: Do you give homeless people money, Goudeau?

MICHAEL: No, I don't.

PENN: Never?

MICHAEL: Well, on occasion. I have. I gave a guy some money in San Francisco because he claimed he was Frosty the Snowman. I was walking by him and he said "can I have a dollar?" and I said "no" and he said "I'm really Frosty the Snowman" and I went "Oh, well, yeah, okay then. I didn't know."

- Original air date July 20, 2006.

On why McDonald's should take over the pot trade edit

Penn comments he'd rather have McDonald's corner the pot trade than leave it in the hands of thugs.

PENN: I'm one of those nuts who trusts big corporations more than I trust thugs. I'm all in favor of McDonald's Marijuana making all the money. I just think that they're better people than the gang bangers.

MICHAEL: And as we pointed out on our TV show, McDonald's doesn't shoot Jack in the Box when they copy their burger.

PENN: No matter how badly they want to.

MICHAEL: There's not a clown fight.

- Original air date July 6, 2006.

On his Tour De France fitness regime edit

(Goudeau is speaking about his new fitness regime. Every day he tries to duplicate the Tour De France on his stationary bicycle.)

PENN: This is the Michael Goudeau Tour De France diet?

MICHAEL: Yeah. Exactly.

PENN: Now what are you eating? What's your training diet?

MICHAEL: My training diet is pie and ice cream.

(Pretending to be interested in Michael's Tour De France Diet plan, Penn keeps trying to get Michael to say it's Tuesday.)

PENN: What was yesterday?

MICHAEL: Monday.

PENN: Monday? So that was yesterday? Monday?

MICHAEL: Yeah.

(Much Penn shouting about that means today is Monkey Tuesday.)

MICHAEL: (Crestfallen Penn wasn't really interested in his diet) It must be a joy to work with me because I'm so stupid I stumped into anything.

- Original air date July 11, 2006.

PENN: For those of you just listening today, Michael Goudeau is riding the Tour De France but nobody in the Tour De France knows it. He's riding in his living room.

MICHAEL: I skipped the touring and the France part. I'm doing just the "duh".

On being celebrated as a great Jewish juggler edit

(Penn is speaking of celebrities being outted on the web as atheist.)

MICHAEL: You know, I'm on the Jewish Jugglers site. I had to work to get my name off the Jewish Jugglers site.

PENN: You're on the Jewish Jugglers site?

MICHAEL: I was. And I had to write to them and ask them "respectfully, I'm actually not Jewish." They wrote back and said "has anyone in your family been Jewish?" I wrote back and said "no". And then they wrote back again and said "do you like Jewish food?"

PENN: They did not!

MICHAEL: They did. I'm telling the truth. They wrote back and said "do you like Jewish food because maybe you're Jewish." So, okay, you got me. I like matzah ball soup. I must be a Jew.

On the ideal number of children edit

(During an installment of Layman/!Doctor Penn, a woman caller wanted to know the optimal number of children to have. Penn suggested there was no fixed number but Goudeau had a more pragmatic answer.)

MICHAEL: I don't think you want more kids than you can fit in a taxi.

Snakes on an evolutionary plane edit

(A survey indicates more Americans can name more of Snow White's seven dwarves than Supreme Court judges. In a separate topic, a scientist theorizes human evolution was driven to avoid getting killed by snakes.)

PENN: I'm going to read more of this Reuter's article too. It's just astonishing how they decide what's important and then call people and put them on the spot and then you're supposed to think of the supreme court justices off the top of your head... which is NOT a useful skill. A useful skill is being able to recognize them when you see them in print.

MICHAEL: And how to avoid snakes.

On cooking squirrels edit

(Penn wonders what kind of small critters Goudeau ate during his Louisiana days. Goudeau reveals he's eaten many a squirrel.)

PENN: How do you fillet a squirrel?

MICHAEL: This is going to be a long story. First you have to remove the scent glands from beneath their legs. Because if the scent glands remain within their body, when it heats up it will ruin the rest of the meat. So you have to take the scent glands out from under their legs. You have to skin them. Which is delightful. And then you...

PENN: How old when you were doing this?

MICHAEL: Six or seven.

PENN: Six or seven? At six or seven you can remove the scent glands from a squirrel?

MICHAEL: At that point, yes.

PENN: And how old is your son?

MICHAEL: My son is seven. Six or seven.

PENN: Can he remove the scent glands from a squirrel?

MICHAEL: Oh no. No. No. I don't think so.

PENN: You intend to teach him?

MICHAEL: It skips a generation, I hear.

Randi on Goudeau edit

(Penn has the Amazing Randi and Paul Provenza as studio guests. Paul talks about this weird comedy gig he played in the UAE. Michael plugs in one of his signature quips but the line sails past Penn and Paul. Randi gives Goudeau props.)

RANDI: I must say. Goudeau sits here, doesn't say a great deal. He's on his keyboard.

PAUL: He does want to get a word in edge wise. I just won't let him.

RANDI: He sells something on Ebay while we do it.

PENN: He'll sell your coffee cup.

RANDI: He came up with a line there that just got by everybody.

PENN': What was that?

RANDI: When Paul here announced that he played in Abu Dhabi, Goudeau says "Who books that?" In the business, this is a funny line. If you said something like "I just got booked in Philadelphia at so-in-so's", "Who books that?" comes from everyone around the table. And they have pencil and paper. You hear that all the time whenever show people get together.

- Original air date February 14, 2006.

Shorter Memorable Goudeau Quips edit

PENN: What are our big stories today? I saw this little story the other day --

MICHAEL: -- you have a tiny piece of paper in your hand. We're going to do an hour radio show on that tiny 2 inch column you tore out? It's on shiny paper which means you've taken it out of some show biz magazine. It's not even real news.

PENN: It's about the size of a fortune cookie.

MICHAEL: We're dead.

PENN: I want to talk about tattoos.

MICHAEL: Someone please call in and give us some news.

- Original air date June 28, 2006.

PENN: I decide to take Moxie out. And we're going to go out, just father and daughter. And we go out to the electronics store. And I'm going to buy a UPS for back up. I want to get a tripod and stuff. It's all electronics guy shopping. My daughter is 7-months old. She doesn't know the difference.

MICHAEL: It's colors.

- Original air date January 3, 2006.

(Penn comments on being informed by the New York Times that Superman changes and adapts with the times.)

PENN: Superman is an ongoing process. Superman is not a code. It's not one thing. The actors change. The writers change. The philosophy changes.

MICHAEL: Is he ever going to get away from those primary colors?

- Original air date June 30, 2006.

(On the July 4 Monkey Tuesday. Penn is on a jag about Vervet monkeys being the most patriotically American of monkeys.)

PENN: (reading from a gmail) "... apparently vervets are a kind of monkey with white fur and red and blue genitals. According to the web site that linked this, you should see it salute!" So there is even a patriotic monkey. Cause God loves the USA. God loves the USA so much that he made his monkeys patriotic.

MICHAEL: You sure they're not French?

PENN: Shut up.

[Support for Michael's hypothesis: Vervet monkeys take their name from the french word for green "vert" and "grivet"]

- Original air date July 4, 2006.

(Woman caller relates a harrowing story where her ex-husband, as a medic in Somalia, had to shoot a man trying to kill him and then turn around and save his life.)

PENN: (to the woman caller) Let me get this straight. He really did? This is not theoretical. This is an actual story about your husband? He SHOT a guy, did not kill him, and then had to go over and treat him?

WOMAN: Had to treat him. Had to save his life.

PENN: (Penn takes a deep breath. He is obviously blown away by the shooting story) Wow.

MICHAEL: Did he poke his finger in the bullet hole and squirm it around some?

(Penn discusses being the lone survivor after a world-wide disaster.)

MICHAEL: You don't want to be the last person alive. Trust me on this.

PENN: No. Not me. Because I can't do anything.

MICHAEL: You don't have a lot of skills outside of the radio thing. I'm your friend. I'm telling you this as a friend.

PENN: I can't even make a sandwich, really.

MICHAEL: Exactly, right.

PENN: I couldn't feed myself

MICHAEL: 'Where's the help?'

(Comedian Paul Provenza talks about working as a comedian in the United Arab Emirates. One thing comedians are required to avoid making jokes about is the wide open prostitution seen in the UAE.)

PAUL: This friend of mine was doing a show there and he did make a reference to someone in the front row being with a hooker. Back in his room about 3 o'clock in the morning six guys in uniform escorted him to the airport. He was deported immediately.

MICHAEL: Did they carry his luggage?

- Original air date February 14, 2006.

(Penn discusses being interviewed on TV. He keeps referring to host as "Assman" and claims he'll probably call him Assman to his face on air. Goudeau believes this might end Penn's career in television. Penn believes if he can get away with dumping roaches on Letterman, he's living a somewhat charmed life.)

PENN: You have carte blanche.

MICHAEL: We'll be watching your show to see if you call him Assman. That's all. Come on, smart guy, let's take the cash bet now.

(Penn and Goudeau try to embellish a caller's monkey story about witnessing a chimp killing a park ranger by putting a Moby Dick/Heart of Darkness spin on it.)

MICHAEL: (as if he were reading from a Conrad novel) "The humanity hung in the air like a bunch of bananas."

(Penn is talking about obscenities and how he tends to use a lot. He notes Goudeau doesn't use a lot of obscenities in his every day speech.)

PENN: You really don't. You've heard all the words.

MICHAEL: Well you know, I have to write your show. I get notes from Showtime saying "This is a little too tame, you have to add some more obscenities." Well, okay.

(A caller claims you can kill a person by ripping out his trachea. You can accomplish this a second or two.)

PENN: How's your trachea doing?

MICHAEL: It's alright.

PENN: I can reach behind you and kill you. You're one second away from death at all times because now I know the secret. He said a half second didn't he?

MICHAEL: Yeah.

PENN: Right now you're a half second away from death.

MICHAEL: This is a very wide desk. There are a lot of computers in the way. I don't think you can get me in half a second. I think I'm twelve seconds away from death.

(Penn and Goudeau are having trouble with the phone lines and Penn tells Goudeau that he should just pretend to be a caller named "Dave".)

PENN: So, this is... uh; We've got Dave on the line! You there, Dave?

(silence)

PENN: I was gonna... You were gonna--

MICHAEL: (in ridiculously squeaky voice) Hi, I'm Dave.

PENN: Good. Good voice.

MICHAEL: I thought Dave might show up for a sec.

PENN: No, that was actually-- it was just fake, it was for you. You've gotta get used to working with a magician.

MICHAEL: Oh-kayy. (as Dave, but has given up the squeaky voice) Yeah I'm Dave and I'd like to talk about Freedom of Speech.

PENN: Oh you would? And what would you like to say about Freedom of Speech there, Dave.

MICHAEL: I think it needs to be free and speaky.

PENN: Michael Goudeau, you are a very attractive man.

MICHAEL: Sit on your side of the table.

PENN: Goudeau, how was your show last night?

MICHAEL: Were you there?

PENN: No.

MICHAEL: It was amazing, 600 shows in a row without a drop!

PENN: People want to write in about lobsters.

MICHAEL: They want lobsters, yeah.

PENN: Cool with me. Have you seen the picture of the furry lobster?

MICHAEL: Yes, I did. It's got furry arm like claws.

PENN: They have evolved right near thermal vents, right in the boiling water. Very efficient.

MICHAEL: If only they had evolved near the lemons and butter also, we would be set.

MICHAEL: So when Jason [Garfield] wants these big juggling competitions, I say lets bring our W-2's from last year. That's always my solution for "We're going to have a juggling competition". I say great, I'll show last years tax return. You do the same. We'll see who is the better juggler.

(Classic Goudeau trying to head off a disaster in the making by Penn.)

PENN: Someone try sending Penn Jillette c/o Penn & Teller, Las Vegas, Nevada. Just try that. Just somebody send like a postcard or something.

MICHAEL: But only one of you, so you guys talk to each other to make sure only one of you is doing it.

PENN: If I get the postcard with your return address on it, I will call you and I will send you a whole bunch of stuff.

MICHAEL: Oh man, this has turned ugly.

MICHAEL: (Singing to Patrick) Play that monkey music white boy.

(Penn tells a story about singing naked while flying on the vomit commit. A flight he believes may not have been legal)

PENN: (Sings) Barr-ba-rella psych-a-della kinda like a konk-a shell of loooovvvve.

MICHAEL: If you were not arrested for flying, you should be arrested for singing.

- Original air date January 23, 2006.

(Penn is ranting about how the word of God has changed over the years)

PENN: If it is the word of God, it is the word of God. If God says Earth is the center of the universe, it's the center of the universe. God is infallible. How can you back down from that?

MICHAEL: Maybe God mumbles in a very low voice?

(Penn has vowed to recite pi until someone sends in the answer to his question)

MICHAEL: We have the answer. Stop reading Pi. You usually only reserve this commitment for eating pie. STOP!

- Original air date January 31, 2006.

PENN: I've got to tell you, bacon is good.

MICHAEL: It's the candy of all meats.

- Original air date February 10, 2006.

(Caller explains her husband has three sets of parents)

MICHAEL: He’s like wheat.

PENN: Did you say he’s like wheat?

MICHAEL: That was the most obscure - You and Norman Borlaug are laughing hysterically.

PENN: He’s like wheat, he has three sets of parents. It was also a very slow take. I got like a whole other sentence out before I realized what Goudeau had said. That is the funniest thing you’ve said Goudeau, ever in your life. He’s like wheat.

- Original air date January 2, 2007.

(After conversation about Blasphemy Challenge)

PENN: . . . Absolutely free dvd for selling your soul. . .

MICHAEL: Historically, that's not a very good deal. It just seems like there are a lot of stories of people get better deals for their soul than a movie.

- Original air date January 2, 2007.

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