Paula Poundstone

Paula Poundstone (born December 29, 1959) is an American comedian.

Sourced

• I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase "family values" and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?
  • "Hey Paula!". Mother Jones. March/April 1993. Retrieved on 2008-04-03. 

• I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.
  • "Paula Poundstone: Look What the Cat Dragged In", Bravo channel, November 7, 2006

• They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.
  • About science education in the state of Kansas; quoted in Randi, James (November 11, 2006). "A Sure Test". Swift. James Randi Educational Foundation. Retrieved on 2006-11-18.

• I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.
  • "Women of the Night", HBO, 1988

Unsourced

• I've always thought that if my death was imminent, I would read. When I can't focus on a book, I tend to keep reading the same page. My guess is, I would've read, like, the first page of Nicholas Nickleby over and over again.

• The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage.