Last modified on 3 September 2012, at 10:45

Nigel Blackwell

Nigel Blackwell, songwriter and lead singer of satirical UK rock band Half Man Half Biscuit.



  • Mention The Lord of the Rings just once more and I'll more than likely kill you.
    • Dickie Davies' Eyes, Back Again In The D.H.S.S. (1987)
  • Brian Moore's head looks uncannily like London Planetarium
    • Dickie Davies' Eyes, Back Again In The D.H.S.S. (1987)
  • There's no room for enigmas in built-up areas.
    • Hedley Verityesque, McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt (1991)
  • I could put a tennis racket up against my face and pretend that I'm Kendo Nagasaki
    • Everything's AOR, McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt (1991)
  • There's people who can't spell 'weird' right driving round with thousands in the bank,
    but I get by, got a lot on my mind; I get by, got allotments on my mind.
    • Turned Up Clocked On Laid Off, This Leaden Pall (1993)
  • The three men I admire most -- the father, son, and Mickie Most -- took the last train for the coast, to rendezvous with Peter Glaze, to kill Don Maclean.
    • Turned Up Clocked On Laid Off, This Leaden Pall (1993)
  • I know Bono and he knows Ono, she knows Eno whose phone goes thus:
    "Brian's not home, he's at the North Pole, but if you'd like to leave a weird noise..."
    • Eno Collaboration, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road (1997)
  • No frills, handy for the hills, that's the way you spell New Mills.
    • The Light At The End Of The Tunnel (Is The Light Of An Oncoming Train), Cammell Laird Social Club (2002)
  • When I'm dying for a cigarette, I think of all the free ones that I'd get if I killed myself and came back as a beagle, WOOF!
    • I Left My Heart in Papworth general, Dickie Davies eyes EP (1986)
  • Car crime's low, gun crime's lower,
    The town hall band CD, it's a grower,
    you never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce,
    although there was a drive-by shouting once,
    but there's a brass band everywhere,
    and I don't drive so I don't care,
    and as a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square,
    what is Chatteris if you're not there?
    • For What Is Chatteris?, Achtung Bono 2005
  • She died with her telly on, 87 and confused With not enough hospital beds cos all the money’s been used On the end of the century party preparations

And they reckon that the last thing she saw in her life was Sting, singing on the roof of the Barbican Sting, singing on the roof of the Barbican

    • "A Country Practice," Four Lads Who Shook the Wirral (1998)
  • Help me Mrs Medlycot, I don't know what to do, i've only got 3 bullets and there's 4 of motley crue*

Upon Westminster Bridge from Achtung Bono

  • There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets
    • National Shite Day, CSI:Ambleside (2008)