A 12-issue series written by Warren Ellis.
NEXTWAVE : healing America by beating people up.
The Captain: I met Captain America once. He asked me what my name was.
Ellie: And you said Captain ****.
The Captain: Man, he beat seven shades of it out of me. Left me in a dumpster with a bar of soap shoved in my mouth.
Dirk Anger: I'm ninety years old. You know how I look so pretty? I take drugs. Special H.A.T.E. drugs. Life extending drugs. H.A.T.E. has the best drugs. Because H.A.T.E. loves me. And I love H.A.T.E. Every day of my horrible drug-extended terrorist-fighting life.
Dirk Anger: Every day I smoke two hundred cigarettes and one hundred cigars and drink a bottle of whisky and three bottles of wine with dinner. And dinner is meat. Raw meat.
Monica Rambeau is a veteran super hero perviously known as Captain Marvel, whose mother always wanted her to get a proper job. So she joined H.A.T.E. When her mother died, she went to Hell, and is used as a bucket by giant weasels dressed as cheerleaders. And that's what happens when you tell your kids to get a proper job.
NEXTWAVE : is a super hero comic about five people who have just minutes to prevent a town from being eaten by a giant lizard monster. In purple underpants.
The Captain: Ellie, hold on--
Ellie: No! Go take care of Lizard pants! I can handle this! Don't argue with me, or it's the Kenyan Nipple Torture for you again!
Tabitha Smith possesses the mutant powers of blowing stuff up and stealing all your stuff.
NEXTWAVE : gets their lovin' from your mama!
Why do giant monsters eat people? Human beings are mostly water. Their tissues and fluids retain flavors and other residues from their blood. Their bones have a brittle quality. Their skin is warm and pliant. Thirst-quenching, well-seasoned, crunchy and yet chewy: People are the Elvis of snack food.
Tabitha Smith is here with what was the Nextwave Squad to make the giant monster go away.
The Captain is so absurdly strong that he once smacked someone's spine through their lungs just by patting them on the back. In his defense, he was quite extraordinarily drunk.
The Captain: Maybe Monica has a plan. After all--
Boom-Boom: --she used to run the Avengers.
The Captain: You think she gets tired of telling people that?
Boom-Boom: I'm damn sure I get **** tired of hearing it.
The Captain: **** yeah.
Monica Rambeau can convert part or all of her mass into any form of electromagnetic energy in the spectrum. Except the ones they make up on Star Trek.
Monica: Okay, so we can't break its hide. So we need a new plan. Lateral thinking.
Ellie: Is that what they taught you in the Avengers? That and beware of spooky chicks who think they've been made pregnant by robots?
Aaron Stack: I could make you pregnant.
Ellie: Not unless you could do it from over there, clanky.
Aaron Stack: I am full of very useful devices.
Aaron Stack, designation X-51 from Dr. Abel Stack's self-built sequence of sentient humanoid combat robots. It is not known what happened to the other fifty.
You have bought and episode of NEXTWAVE unless you stole it off the Internet
Ellie: When I kill you with a motor-car, you should have the common decency to stay dead, you horrid little object.
You have been reading NEXTWAVE a comic single about five pirate super heroes twisting the nipple of the military-industrial complex.
This is NEXTWAVE Selling you a huge crazy mutant cop menacing an attractive young woman and calling it Fun.
Evil Cop turned Evil Robot: HA HA, CUTE GIRL. LITTLE LOVE FOR A COP? HAH? HAH?
Boom-Boom: You want to date me? Get naked.
Boom-Boom: Awwww. Cuuuute. Die anyway.
Boom-Boom: Oh, man. You're a cop?
Evil Cop: Cop.
Boom-Boom: You're kidding me! I hate cops!
Evil Cop: Uugg...
Boom-Boom: Because, like, cops keep arresting me and stuff? For stealing? Like stealing's a crime or something?
Aaron: Cops--the most anoying fleshy ones of all.
NEXTWAVE : would like to remind the audience that dragging insane, corrupt police officers who change into giant killer robots into an alleyway and shooting them a lot is very bad and not the Marvel way. And also still illegal in most states.
Boom-Boom: I'm sorry, broccoli murder-dudes. You just grow up to be, like, too harsh, you know?
Ellie: I swear to God, nowhere on Earth do they talk like you, Tabby.
Aaron Stack: Shut up. I am a unique robot intellect.
Monica: You're ****. I mean, you're the **** robot I ever heard of.
The Captain: Aaron, I'm sorry, man, but you are a bit ****.
Aaron Stack: Listen, you-- I was taken up into space by the Celestials because I'm so **** great. Space gods. Interstellar travel. Everything.
The Captain: So why'd you come back?
Arishem: Aaron Stack, you who are called Machine Man. You have traveled with us for three hundred and sixty cycles by your reckoning of time. There is now something we have to tell you.
Arishem: You are total ****.
Monica: Ellie, are you armed?
Ellie: I've got two Uzis and a shovel. Which, I suppose, means I can shoot things and bury them afterwards.
Monica: Oh, God, now what... We didn't have to deal with this kind of thing in the Avengers.
Monica: It's the Gamma-Activated Bull Men From Beyond The Nineteenth Perimeter-- --and they're naked.
Captain America: Cover your eyes, go back to the Avengers Mansion, and make me my dinner.
Monica Rambeau, leader of the Nextwave Squad, lies all the time.
Ellie: You ready for this?
Boom-Boom: Hey, English girl, I used to do business with Cable and X-Force, you know what I'm saying?
Cable: Tabitha! Quickly! To me, my X-bait! Help me lift my gun! Techno-organic prolapse imminent!
Ellie: I make it six each.
Boom-Boom: Don't you try and impress me with your counting. You know I growed up in a trailer park.
Dirk Anger:It’s like Suddenly you turn forty and your face went south and suddenly it was no, Dirk, I won’t do those things with the chickens and the wings and the bath full of acid for you any more! And by the way Dirk, give me all your cash let me paint everything pink, adopt a million screaming little snot factory children, for me and don’t you dare touch me or my womb will fall out.
Dirk Anger: What in the name of Satan's ancient underpants is going on?
Boom-Boom: You think Cap's dead?
Ellie: He's a guy. How would you be able to tell?
Boom-Boom: Well, he wouldn't be farting.
Monica: Is Cap dead?
Ellie: He's farting.
It's not all right. It will never be all right again. Nothing will ever be the same again. No good can come of a robot in a bra.
The Captain: I was Captain Power for a while. But then I got sued. Something about a cartoon. Then I changed it to Captain Ron. And got sued. Changed it to Captain L. Ron. Got beaten up by Tom Cruise.
The Captain: I was Captain Universe, but it turned out there was already a Captain Universe. Captain Ultra. There was already one of those. A plumber, would you believe. Broke into my apartment and left a horse's head in the water tank as a warning.
[Aaron Stack picks up a keg]
The Captain: Captain Avenger, taken. Captain Avalon, I had to give up.
Aaron Stack: Captain Avalon?
The Captain: Avalon was my mom's favorite album. Roxy Music. But not only was there already one of them, but then Mom told me it was what was playing the night she conceived me. So... no. I tried Captain Marvel.
Aaron Stack: Monica was Captain Marvel once.
The Captain: There've been like, eight Captain Marvels. One of them was an adult movie actor with a yellow lightning bolt tattooed on his... anyway.
The Captain: There was a Captain Kerosene. I mean, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel, and there was already a Captain Kerosene. That's my luck, right there.
The Captain: I wasn't Captain Rectitude, but I was pretty much all of the other Captains at one time or another. So I gave up. I decided I was just The Captain. And then some Marine-looking melon-farmer tracks me down and says, "I was The Captain first!"
The Captain: I had to pay him money in the end. If I'm boring you, just say so.
[While The Captain has been talking, Stack has tapped the keg with a hose, which he jams directly into his own forehead]
Aaron Stack: God, no.
Monica: Tabby said there was a "Magik" in the X-Men.
Ellie: Didn't Tabby also say that Magik was dead?
Monica: Like that matters. X-Men come back more then Jesus.
Monica: Doctor Strange hit on me once.
Ellie: You're kidding.
Monica: "Got any magic in you? Would you like some?"
Monica: The only one who didn't hit on me? Captain America. I don't think he likes girls.
Ellie: Really? That'd be cool, actually.
Monica: I know!
Ellie: It'd explain why there's always someone dressed up as him at gay pride marches, too.
NEXTWAVE : when America can only be saved by killing a butt-load of monsters.
Boom-Boom: Ew! Ew ew ew ew! They shot their muck all over meee!
Killer Robot: Like that's never happened before.
Boom-Boom: Shut up and die, robot-face.
In the real world, people do sometimes run out of shotgun shells. Hollywood lies to you constantly.
Aaron: ...you spelled your name wrong, Tabby.
Boom-Boom: Did not!
The H.A.T.E. Aeromarine, which we have to show you every now and then so people can make new signature images and icons for their Web use.
Dirk Anger: GAAHHKKK HHGGKKK
Female Agent (1): What's he doing in there?
Female Agent (2): Those are the sounds he makes when he looks at those illegal Web sites.
The Captain: First I'm going to kill whoever's in there, then I'm gonna **** them, then I'm going to make a joke, then I'm going to **** them again. I'm gonna be a super hero.
The Captain: I'm The Captain-- --I'm from **** Brooklyn-- --and I can barely understand **** English!
It had been a long, strange night for the Nextwave Squad. One of them finally had his turn at winning. One of them even approached a Character Moment. You can be damn sure we won't let **** like that happen again.
NEXTWAVE : A tale of five pirate superheroes stopping the terrorist cell S.I.L.E.N.T. today masquerading as the Beyond Corporation from product-testing WMDs on American cities and if that actually made sense to you tell mommy or daddy to get you the special pills.
Boom-Boom: I betcha community is just a longer word for country. A French word or something. Why do the French hate us, anyway?
Ellie: They don't. They don't know you. The French-Canadians hate, though.
Boom-Boom: ZOMG! There are French people in Canada? That's like, right next door! OH NOES!
The Captain: Beats the pus out of me.
01. I love H.A.T.E.
02. H.A.T.E. loves me.
03. Dinner is Meat.
Forbush-Man: ...No. It cannot be. My power transports the mind-- --but you do not appear to have one.
Boom-Boom: Zomg. Boom.
Mark Millar Licks Goats (cover)
Monica: Let's save America by beating up everything we see.
NEXTWAVE : know that science is a trick on white people and that the shamans of the mountains, the jungle, the desert and the steppe have hated Stephen Hawking for five thousand years.
NEXTWAVE : You must buy six copies of this comic now.
NEXTWAVE : are in your room and touching your stuff.
NEXTWAVE : should only be taken in 100 mg doses and never through the urethra.
NEXTWAVE : blatantly wasting your money since 2006.
Aaron: Follow the sexy robot. I know the way.
Boom-Boom: Where's the sexy robot? Is he invisible too?
Monica: You people will by God act like a team, or at least like people who know each other, or I'll incinerate the bunch of you here and now.
NEXTWAVE : here we go here we go here we go