Men in Black (film)

Men in Black is a 1997 science fiction comedy action film, starring Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith. The film was based on the comic books of Lowell Cunningham.

Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld. Written by Lowell Cunningham and Ed Solomon.

Protecting the earth from the scum of the universe.

Agent K

[to James Darrell Edwards III] A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it.
[to James Darrell Edwards] 1,500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
[to James Darrell Edwards III] Human thought is so primitive that it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. Kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?
[to Agent J] Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan island in a brand new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?
[to Beatrice] No ma'am. We here at the FBI do not have a sense of humour we're aware of.

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James Darrell Edwards / Agent J

You see this? Huh?! NYPD! Means I will knock your punk-ass down!
[to Agent K] You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look good.
Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't be nothing!

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Zed

[voiceover, as Edwards becomes Agent J] You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the system. You are above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're them. We're they. We are the Men in Black.
[To Kay] Containment may be a moot point, old friend. The exodus continues. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets stuck with the check. [Sees the Worms leaving Earth] You sorry little ingrates!

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Dr. Laurel Weaver/Agent L

[examining Rosenberg's corpse] Oh my God! [laughs] Whoa, buddy, what are you?
[to Agents K and J] Interesting job you guys have.
[to Agents K and J] Hey guys! My apartment isn't anywhere near here. It's not even on the same island.

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Dialogue

Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living. All I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away — I'm eating that, damn it! It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind! You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck! [The Bug's flying saucer smashes into Edgar's truck. Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage.] Figures.

Beatrice: What the heck is it, Edgar?

Edgar: Get your big butt back in the house. [Beatrice goes back inside. Edgar grabs a pump shotgun and stands over the smoking crater where his truck was parked.]

The Bug: [inside the crater] Place projectile weapon on the ground.

Edgar: You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.

The Bug: Your proposal is acceptable. [A long arm with long, bony digits grabs Edgar, pulls him into the crater and consumes him.]

Dr. Laurel Weaver: I believe you. Laurel Weaver. Deputy medical examiner. Find me at the morgue on 26th. I'll show you.

James : Uh, wait a minute. Hey...Wait a minute.

She hurries to turn the corner but is stopped by Agent K.

Agent K: 'Scuse me. You're Dr. Weaver with the coroner's office working on the John Doe, right?

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Yes. That's right.

Agent K: Would you look at this, please?

He neuralyzes her.

Agent J: Well, you know what they say: "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Agent K: [Annoyed] Try it.

A police officer pushes the stretcher with Rosenberg's corpse and the cat on top of it into the morgue. Dr. Laurel Weaver is across the room examining another corpse.

Police Officer: Where do you want contestant number three?

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Just leave it there.

Laurel walks over.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: What's with the cat?

The police officer takes a clipboard from the stretcher.

Police Officer: Uh, the cat. Yeah, well there's a problem with the cat. [hands her the clipboard] Sign here.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [signing it] What's the problem with the cat?

Police officer: [taking the clipboard] It's your problem. [Laurel gives him a dirty look.] Heh heh.

He leaves, and she sighs. She watches him leave and then looks at the stretcher, her head slightly tilting.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: I hate the living. [to the cat] Shall we?

She pushes the stretcher.

Laurel is sitting at her desk with a pen in her hand. The lights off in the morgue except for the lamp at her desk. She is speaking into the microphone of a recording machine.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Subject was approximately 112 degrees at time of autopsy, indicating an increase in body temperature. Examiner tried to verify this rectally only to find the subject was without rectum, which is needless to say, really-

Agent K: [offscreen] Weird.

Laurel looks up in surprise and sees Agents K and J, standing at the entrance of the morgue. Agent K turns on the lights.

Agent K: I'm Dr. Leo Manville, Department of Public Health. [points at Agent J] This is Dr. White.

Agent J frowns at Agent K. Laurel laughs a little.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [looking at her watch] You boys must not have much of a home life.

She looks up at them.

Agent K: We watch the morgues very carefully ma'am. [He and Agent J walk over to her.] Tell me, do you have something unusual around here?

Dr. Laurel Weaver: I'd say so.

She stands up and starts walking, Agents K and J accompanying her.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Triple homicide.

Agent K: Mm hm.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: The first body I opened up was pretty normal, except he was broken in half, but uh [she turns her head toward Agent K] when I opened up the other two, well, let me show you.

The three stop at the cold chambers. Laurel opens up one and pulls the gurney out as Agents K and J watch.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: There's a skeletal structure at work unlike anything I've ever seen before.

While talking, she pulls the cover off to reveal the man's face.

Agent K: Alright, I'll have a look at this one. [looks at Agent J] Dr. White, why don't you and Dr. Weaver check out the other body, please.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: This way, Dr.

She leads Agent J to the next corpse, talking to him as she does.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: This one's even stranger. I did a full laparotomy. I started with the lesser curvature of the stomach, but we can start with the gastroesophageal junction, whichever you prefer.

She puts on her lab coat.

Agent J: Um, let's start wherever you started at.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [looking at him] Okey-dokey.

She takes a box of surgical gloves off a table, grabs a pair for herself, and offers them to Agent J.

Agent J: Oh.

He takes one, and the two put their gloves on. The two hear a meow, and they look down and see the cat walks over Agent J's shoe.

Agent J: Oh!

Laurel laughs.

Agent J: Is it your cat?

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Guess it is now. It came in with the body. [smiling] Okay, dive right in. I'm sure he won't mind.

Agent J: Mm.

The two put their gloved hands into the corpse. Laurel suddenly looks at Agent J, and smiles.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Mm. You have really pretty eyes.

She turns and looks at the corpse again.

Agent J: Thank you.

The two continue examining the corpse, and the two look at each other smiling. Laurel laughs.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Okay, you feel that?

Agent J nods.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [looking at the corpse] Where the piloric junction would be. Push it aside.

The two do, but Agent J is not paying attention to the corpse.

Agent J: Ah!

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [shaking her head] Notice anything strange? Stomach, liver, lungs?

Agent J: Nope [takes his hand out], all fine.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [looks up at him in surprise] Doctor, they're all missing.

Agent J: Of course. Um, oh yeah, th-that's obviously the first thing I noticed. [gestures to the corpse] Well, w-what I was pointing out is th-the fact that there are no, um, pieces [looks at Laurel, who has taken her hand out, and is looking at him intensely] of them left.

Laurel looks at corpse quickly but looks at Agent J again.

Agent J: [gesturing with his hand] Yeah, so, you know, they're intact, wherever they are whole, somewhere, that we can be sure of.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Have we met before? [laughs] I'm having the strangest feeling of déjà vu.

Agent J: Yeah, me too.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Really? [laughs] Okay, do you want to know what I really think, but [jerks her head toward Agent K] don't tell that guy. He looks like he's under enough stress.

Agent J looks over at Agent K before turning his head around.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: See, I don't think this body's really a body. I think it's some kind of transport unit for something else altogether. The question is what?

Agent J: Mm hm.

Laurel looks at Agent J.

Dr. Laurel Weaver': Is this freaking you out?

Agent J: [laughs] Nah [laughs again], nah girl.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: You know what I like to do sometimes when it's really late?

Agent J: No.

She is about to speak when she is interrupted.

Agent K: Dr. White.

Agent J and Laurel look over. Laurel sighs and turns around.

Agent J: [to Laurel] Excuse me.

Laurel nods and continues examining the corpse as he walks over to Agent K. Agent J takes off his glove and throws it away, making a sound of disgust.

Agent K: What do you think?

Agent J: Very interesting. She gotta real Queen of the undead thing goin'.

Agent K: No, the body.

Agent J: Great body.

Agent K: The dead body.

Agent J: Oh. Man, you goin' to have to go look at that thing.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Dr. White!

Agent K: [pointing at the corpse that he has been examining] You recognize him?

Agent J: Yeah, he looks like the big guy I saw down at headquarters, only-

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Dr. White!

Agent J -a little deader.

Agent K: What do you think killed him?

Agent J: Bug?

While talking Laurel gets up and calls across the room.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Dr. White!

Agent K: [jerks his head toward her] You're up, slugger.

Agent J: Oh.

He starts walking back, and she returns to her corpse.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [points at a strange stitching on the corpse's ear] Look at this.

Agent J: [looking] What the hell is that?

He touches it, and the face begins to open up, causing Laurel to scream. The two watch, surprised. Inside, is the actual form of Rosenberg, a tiny green man, who uses the controls in the head to operate the body.

Rosenberg: [breathes deeply] Must [breathes again] to prevent [breathes again] contest [breathes again].

Agent J: It's okay. What are you trying to say?

Rosenberg: To prevent-

Agent J: To prevent . . . struggle?

Rosenberg: No, to prevent-

Dr. Laurel Weaver: War?

Rosenberg: War.

Agent J nods.

Rosenberg: The galaxy . . . is on . . . Orion's b-b- what is word?

Agent J: Bed? Belt? Orion's belt?

Rosenberg nods and finally succumbs to his wounds and dies, the systems of his human body going dead as well.

Laurel looks sadly at the body, and the cat, on top of a cabinet, meows. Agent J sighs.

Agent J: "To prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's belt." The hell does that mean? Laurel shakes her head and sighs. Agent J turns to call Agent K.

Agent J: Dr., uh, whatever, come here.

Laurel turns.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you?

Agents K and J walk over to her and the alien.

Agent K: Rosenberg. [sees the alien] Aw damn! The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [laughs] I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.

Agent J: [to Agent K] Look, he said "to prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's belt."

Agent K puts on his sunglasses.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: This makes total sense. How else would you New York?

Agent J puts on his sunglasses, too, and Agent K takes out the neuralyzer.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: The other day, I was in this cab, and this guy was-

Agent K neuralyzes her, and she falls silent, being in a dazed trance. Agent K puts the neuralyzer away and takes off his sunglasses, and Agent J takes off his.

Agent K: Galaxy on Orion's belt doesn't make any sense.

Agent J: Look, that's what the little dude, in-inside the big dude's head said. Right? Right after-

Agent J realizes that Laurel has already been neuralyzed, and he sighs.

Agent J: Damn, man. You did the flashy thing, already.

Laurel starts blinking and awakes, clearly disoriented.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Hey, whoever you guys are, you're going to have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.

Agent K: Oh, yes [puts on his sunglasses and takes out the neuralyzer], of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please.

He neuralyzes her, and Agent J is able to put his sunglasses on just in time. Agent J takes off his sunglasses.

Agent J: Would you stop that?!

Agent K: What?!

Agent J: [pointing at Laurel, who is in the same catatonic state] Th-that thing is gonna give her brain cancer or something.

Agent K: Never hurt her before.

He takes off his sunglasses, and the two start walking out of the morgue.

Agent K: Look, we gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.

Agent J: Wh- "Never hurt her before"?! How many times have you flashy thinged that poor woman?

Agent K: Couple.

Agent J: So, would you not worried about no long-term damage?

Agent K: Little.

Agent K: [To MIB Special Services] Alright, we got two dead aliens and a deputy medical examiner who needs a new memory.

One of the agents: Yes, sir.

Agent J looks at Agent K disapprovingly, and Agent K relents.

Agent K: [To MIB Special Services] Make it a happy memory.

Agent J approvingly nods.

Agent K: Did he say anything to you?

James Darrell Edwards: Yeah. The world was coming to an end.

Agent K: Did he say when?

Dr. Laurel Weaver.: You don't wanna eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen. A goddess, even. There are those who worship me. I'm not telling you this to try to impress you, I'm just letting you know. It could start a war.

Edgar: Good. War. That means more food for my family, all 78,000,000 of 'em. That's a lot of mouths to feed, your highness.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying here.

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