Last modified on 14 June 2014, at 10:36

Little Britain

Little Britain is a BBC radio and television sketch show written by and starring Matt Lucas and David Walliams. The show features parodies and exaggerated stereotypes to comedic effect, with repeated catch-phrases. There were 4 series, as well as a spin off, Little Britain USA and several Specials.

Pilot [0.01]Edit

Marjorie Dawes: So what advice can we give to Fatty Halliday about losing some of his excess weight? Paul?
Paul: Eat sensibly.
Marjorie: Oh that's rich coming from you. Anyone else?
Pat: Don't eat too much chocolate.
Marjorie: What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate? All the other kids hate him. Chocolate's the only friend he's got. Meera?
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: No I can't... what?
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: What? Do it again...
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: No I can't understand... do it again.
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: One more?
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: No, I'll tell you what you should be doing, Chris, and that's getting some kind of exercise! I do six step aerobics every month, and thats' why I'm so thin.

Series OneEdit

Episode One [1.01]Edit

Marjorie Dawes: Meera?
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie: Sorry, do it again...
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie: She doesn't make sense... do it again.
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie Dawes: Do it again.
Meera: Oh forget it.
Marjorie Dawes: Well it must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here.
[Marjorie writes down 'CURRY' on the whiteboard]

Episode Three [1.03]Edit

Marjorie Dawes: Lettuce, Lettuce, High in fat, Low in fat, lettuce, Meera!
Meera: Low in fat.
Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again!
Meera: Low in fat.
Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again!
Meera: Low in fat.
Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again.
Paul: She said Low in fat!
Marjorie Dawes: Alright! Don't patronize her! *patronizes Meera* Low in fat, well done!

Marjorie Dawes: So what advice can we give to Barbara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul.
Paul:[sighs] Cut out biscuits.
Marjorie Dawes: Cut out biscuits. Good. Anyone else? Mary?
Meera: Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
Marjorie Dawes: Something about sugar. But really I think the most useful advice we can all give you is to look at the person inside. Because you're obviously an incredibly unhappy person.
Barbara: No, I'm not!
Marjorie Dawes: Well you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you anymore, but that's not for here. But as far as she's concerned if you got knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!
Barbara: Mum does speak to me! I spoke to her yesterday!

Episode Four [1.04]Edit

Dad: Hi, you - open for afternoon tea?
Ray McCooney: Ooh. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not
[He plays the flute.]
Dad: Oh, OK.
[He starts to walk out.]
Ray McCooney: N-no, I am. Please. Sit down. Sit down.
[He shows them to a table]
Mum: Oh, what an adorable little place.
Kimberley: It smells funny in here.
Mum: [whispers] Kimberley!
Ray: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
[He puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley.]
Ray: Here I am with the cake trolley.
Mum: Ooh, those look great, don't they, Kimberley?
Kimberley: I want the chocolate cake.
Mum: OK, honey. [to Ray] Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if there are any nuts in it?
Ray: Yeeeeees.
Mum: What do you mean? Yes, there are nuts or yes you know?
Ray: Yeeeeees.
Dad: Well which?
Ray: If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie, but if you call me false then I'll also tell ye a lie.
[He plays the flute]
Dad: OK, so does the cake contain nuts?
Ray: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The carrot cake contains... no nuts. [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts. [He plays the flute] No nuts. [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.
Dad: [takes the cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?

Episode Five [1.05]Edit

Robot career counsellor: What do you have in mind?
Boy: Well, really ever since I was small I've always wanted to go into catering.
Robot: In the future there will no jobs for humans in the catering industry. Only robots.
Boy: Oh, does that include catering in hotels?
Robot: Er, yes.
Boy: Well the other thing I was thinking of was engineering. You see...
Robot: There will be no jobs for humans. We will inherit the earth.
Boy: Oh dear.
[It prints out a brochure.]
Robot career counsellor: This booklet will explain everything. Go now.
Boy: Thank you, sir.
Robot: Tuck your shirt in. I am a robot.
Boy: Yeah.

Episode Six [1.06]Edit

Vicky: Yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no because I've never had sex apart from that one time eight months ago but apart from that I'm a complete virgin.

[Andy has chosen a card that says 'With Deepest Sympathy'.]
Lou: Are you sure this is the card you want to send your brother Declan for his birthday?
Andy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[After they have bought the card.]
Andy: It's his birthday. He's not dead.

Episode Seven [1.07]Edit

Social Worker: Vicky, where is the baby?
Vicky: Swapped it for a Westlife CD.
Social Worker: How could you do such a thing?
Vicky Pollard: I know, they're rubbish.

Episode Eight [1.08]Edit

Daffyd has just discovered that Myfanwy is a lesbian, and is about to go on a date]
Daffyd: Rhiannon, Rhiannon? And how far have you gone with this 'Rhiannon'?
Myfanwy: Just a bit of fanny fun.
Daffyd: Can I have a large brandy please, Miss Fitzwilliams?
Myfanwy: Look, Daffyd, I got to go. Only Rhiannon's minge is going to get cold.

[Vicky has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind.]
Mr Collier: Your baby?
Vicky: Huh? Oh it's all right, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home anyway.

Ray McCooney is being faced by two taxmen, who are having trouble getting him to pay his debts]
Taxman: Tell you what, Mr. McCooney. Why don't you pick up your quill?
Ray: [picks up a pen] Ye-e-s.
Taxman: And your magic money paper.
Ray: [picks up cheque book] Oh Ye-e-s.
Taxman: [winking at taxwoman] Put your mark upon it. [Ray McCooney signs the cheque] And we'll do the rest.
Ray: [handing them the blank cheque] Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Taxman: Good day.
[The taxmen leave.]
Ray: A-fare-thee-well keepers of the purse! [Starts to play his picalillo but suddenly realises what he has just done] Shit!

Series ThreeEdit


[After Marjorie draws Pat as a pig on the board]
Pat: You know what, I don't need this anymore. I'm not losing weight. Every time I come here, you're horrible to me. [Gets up from her seat] I've had enough.
Marjorie Dawes: Wait, don't go.
Pat: Well apologize, say sorry than.
Marjorie: Say what?
Meera: Say sorry.
Marjorie: [To Meera] What?
Meera: Say sorry.
Marjorie: No I can't...Do it again!
Meera: Say sorry.
Marjorie: Do it again!
Meera: Say sorry.
Marjorie: Do it again!
Meera: Say sorry.
Marjorie: Do it again!
Paul: Just say sorry to her!
Marjorie: [To Meera] Oh, you want me to say sorry. Well, why didn't you say that?
Meera: I did.
Marjorie: Do it again!
Meera: I did.
Marjorie: Do it again!
Meera: I did.
Marjorie: Do it again!
Meera: I did.
Marjorie: Do it again!
Pat: I'm waiting for an apology.
Marjorie: [To Meera] I'll come back to you, my love.
Pat: I just can't see why you can't say sorry.
Paul: Yeah, go on.
Marjorie: I can. I can say sorry.
Paul: Well, say it.
Marjorie: I'm going to say it any minute now.
Pat: Go on.
Marjorie: [Quietly] Si.
Pat: I didn't hear that.
Marjorie: Well, I said it so...
Paul: [Gets up from his seat about to leave with everyone else] Yeah, well we didn't hear it either, come on.
Marjorie: No wait, I'm gonna say it! I'm gonna say it! I'm gonna say it! [Repeats it a few times. Marjorie walks over to Pat, takes her hands.]
Marjorie: Pat, I am very...sorry... [shouts] THAT'S YOU'RE SO FAT!!! Oh no, it just came out.
[Pat, Paul and the rest of the Fat Fighters group leave]
Meera: Don't worry, we are not coming back.
Marjorie: Do it again!
[Meera waves her hand in disgust and leaves]

Unidentified EpisodeEdit

[Vicky is with her boyfriend, Jermaine. They have arrived to go robbing with Vicky's gang]
Chav 1: Er - take your time, why don't you!?
Chav 2: Alright, Vicky, where've you been?
(with a Rastafarian English accent)
Vicky: No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no because something what I don't even know nothing about. So shut up and don't be giving me evils because I'm hanging with my man Jermaine now and we've just been round the back of the waterside, making babies.
(the gang look shocked by Vicky's sudden change in accent and behaviour)
Chav 3: So, you coming down robbing woolies with us later, or what?
(In Jamaican accent)
Vicky: Me don't know, me think about hanging out with me man Jermaine and cooking up some chicken and rice but yeah, but no, but yeah but I'll have to ask Jermaine now because I'm like his bitch now. So Jermaine, what say you?
Jermaine: (in Plummy accent) Well, I don't really know, Victoria, I'm just happy to go with the flow.

[looking up into the tree where Andy is sitting]
Lou: Andy, how did you get up there?
Andy: I fell.

(while at the restaurant)
Lou: So Birthday boy, what do you want for your mains.
Andy: [points to it, without looking at the menu] I want that one!
Lou: Ice uh what do you want for your pudding.
Andy: [points to it but doesnt look at the menu] That one!
Lou: Garlic bread, okay.

Andy: I wanna go swimming.
Lou: I thought you didn't like the sea. I thought you said the sea was a dark and brutal force that has dragged many an innocent to a watery grave...
Andy: Yeah I know.

Lou: [Andy has just rolled all over his freshly-cemented patio that Lou has just done] Who did this?
Andy: A bird.

Mrs. Mead: You've got no feeling in your legs whatsoever?
Andy: [surprised] No.
Mrs. Mead: So you can't feel this? [taps his leg with the candlestick holder]
Andy: No.
Mrs. Mead: What about this? [taps harder]
Andy: No.
Mrs. Mead: And not even this? [really whacks his leg]
Andy: [in pain] No.
Mrs. Mead: Poor thing. Right... [pushes herself up using his leg and going into the kitchen] We need some more brass rub.
Andy: [howling] Ow, ow, OOOOWWWWW!!!!

Judy: That's Enough! You're a very rude woman!
Marjorie: What are going to? Arrest me?
Judy: I got grounds to ma'am! Racial discrimination of this lady here, violation of my civil rights! Make one more offensive comment ma'am and I'm going to take you down to the station!
Marjorie: Alright, w:Boss Hogg!
Judy: That's it! I'm placing you under arrest!
Marjorie: Sorry?
Judy: You have the right to remain silent!
Marjorie: I didn't do anything!
Judy: If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used as evidence! *Marjorie gasps as she is being handcuffed*
Judy: You have the right to an attorney and to have an attorney present.
Marjorie squawks as she is taken away by Judy.

Mrs Teal: Oh, are you standing in the by-election, Daffyd?
Daffyd: It's not just a bi election, Mrs. Teal, it's for gays and straights too.

Narrator: When people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop. If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop. If they want to buy a pet shop shop, well, they're just being silly.

Narrator: With nothing to watch but repeats on the telly of Doctor Who, Medics and that episode of Blackadder II I'm in, Lou and Andy go to rent a video.

Narrator: If you have a verruca and would like to share it, head down to your local swimming pool.

Narrator: British justice is the best in the world. Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman or a mental.

Narrator: Once a year schools in Britain hold sports days in order to make certain children feel inferior.

Narrator: Britain, Britain, Britain. I love Britain so much that everyday I sacrifice a child in honour of it. So thank the Lord, who incidentally is British, for the great things he has brought to this land.

Mrs. Williams: Do these butt-plugs come with batteries?

Mrs. Williams: ["about Daffyd] I've said it before Vicar, and I'll say it again - what that boy needs is a nice big cock up his arse!


[Seeing Lions at the Zoo in America]
Andy: Yeah I know. I want to go and stroke it!
Lou: Oh no, no, no you're not allowed to stroke the lion.
Andy: Yeah you are!
Lou: (seriously) No you're not! That would be exceedingly dangerous. Now you wait here, I'll go get you an ice cream okay.
Lou gets Ice-cream and starts chatting. Andy climbs over the fence, and there is a roar. Lou returns to discover Andy's arm has been bitten off
Lou: [aghast] What the...!?
Andy: Hmm? [looks at his arm] Oh, yeah, have you got a band-aid?

Bing Gordyn discovers a student believes that all the moon landings were faked.
Bing: Now you listen here, asshole! I went to the moon, okay?! I went to the goddamn moon! It was real cold! The food was horrible, I threw up in my helmet, and I am not going to have some retard from the university of...retards telling me I didn't go to the moon!

Eddie "Emily" Howard has been arrested and is being questioned by a police officer.
Officer: Okay, name?
Emily: Emily Howard! (Officer looks up at him) Eddie Howard.
Officer: Sex?
Eddie: We've only just met!
Officer: Gender.
Eddie: How utterly absurd, I'm a lady, I do ladies' things! (Officer glares) Male.
Officer: Marital status?
Eddie: Many proposals from eligible gentlemen, but I don't have a ring on my finger just yet! (Officer glares again)
Eddie: Wife and three kids.
Officer: Okay, you're allowed one phone call. (Eddie picks up the phone and dials a number)
Eddie: Hello, Tommy? It's daddy. Is mummy there? No? Well, can you tell mummy "daddy's been arrested, he's in a police station, and he's wearing a dress, but there's nothing to worry about." Okay, bye. (puts phone down and mouths the word "fuck")

Tom/Narrator: It's night time at this bootcamp in Utah. A bootcamp is a wonderful place for those young crinimals hoping to graduate to Adult prison.
[Coach comes in the bedroom]
Coach: Come on girls! Lights out in 5! We've got a 10 mile hike tommorow! *starts smelling* Somebody's smoking!
[Vicky smokes in the bathrooms. Coach rushes to the bathroom and finds Vicky smoking]
Coach: Are you smoking?
Vicky: *Hides her cigarette behind her hair and breathes smoke* No!
Coach: I just saw you smoking a cigarette, and you know you're not allowed to smoke cigarettes here!
Vicky: No but yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but, Oh my god that is so unfair! Everybody knows I gave up smoking when I was like, 9! Anyway if anybody's been breaking the rules is Harmony butler, because she stole Shanita's eyeliner pencil, and drew a picture on the dormitory wall of a big fat woman with a penis and wrote your name on it. I'm not saying you're a big fat woman with a penis, I'm just saying what she did!
Coach: I don't know what you're talking about Vicky, but your cigarette is still lit!
Vicky: *Smoke builds up from her hair* You calling me a liar? You better watch out because the last person's called me a liar was Bethany Ray, and she ended getting stabbed in the arm with a pencil, but I never done it cos I would Soooo never do that! And anyone who says I did, I'd stab them in the arm with a pencil.
Coach: *getting worried* Vicky, there is smoke coming out of your hair.
Vicky: So what if there is? Stop getting involved! Oh my god this is so unfair! Everyone's always picking on me just cos their jealous! Not my fault I'm beautiful! So I look like a thin Jessica Alba! Don't blame me!
[Vicky's hair catches fire]
Coach: Your hair's on fire! *Reaches for a towel*
Vicky: Oh my god! Is that Shelly Cayman's towel?
[Coach puts the towel over Vicky's head, which put's out the fire]
Vicky: Ow! Ow! Ow! That's actually my head! Ow! Stop trying! Stop!
Coach: *Removes the Towel from Vicky's head* Are you ok?
[Vicky's hair is burnt and revealing]
Vicky: *Sarcasticly* Oh thanks very much! Now I look like a lesbian! *Walks off*

[Retired astronaut, Bing Gordyn is showing a video tape of his journey to the moon to a scout group]
Bing: [Voice is heard on the TV] One small step for man. One giant leap for BING GORDYN! WOW! I'M ON THE MOON! I'M ON THE GODDAMN MOON!
[The video cuts to a wrestling match, which Bing quickly turns off]
Bing: [To the Scouts] So one day, you can all tell your grand kids that you met Bing Gordyn, the eighth man on the moon.
Scout Leader: Thank you, Bing. I'm sure we will.
[They all applause]
Scout Leader: Okay pack, does anyone have anyone questions? Put your hands up please, [Looks around] Nathan.
Nathan: [To Bing] How many people have been to the moon?
Bing: Nine men have been to the moon. No women. I was the eighth.
Scout Leader: Okay...
Bing: And I'm also the only man with a mustache to have been to the moon. So in a way, I can say that I'm the first man on the moon, who had a mustache.
[The Scout Leader laughs, Bing looks at him with not much amusement]
Scout Leader: Uh...Yes, Bradley.
Bradley: Have you ever met Neil Armstrong?
Bing: Yeah, I know Neil, but he's actually kind of a bore, you know "I was the first man on the moon". Get over it, move on.
[Another Scout puts his hand up]
Bing: [points to the scout] Yeah you. Freaky looking boy.
Scout member: What is Buzz Aldrin like in real life?
Bing: Bitter.
Scout Leader: Is he?
Bing: Yeah, I actually trained in NASA with Neil and Buzz. I was passed over for the first moon mission. I've gotten over it. Maybe I would have been the first man on the moon, if I'd given the head anastra a blow job.
[The Scouts look in complete shock]
Scout Leader: [quietly] Oh, that's not really appropriate for here.
Bing: Well, it's true.
Scout Leader: [to the Scouts] Does anyone know the name of the third man on the Apollo 11?
Bing: [Interrupting] Yeah I do, Michael Collins.
Scout Leader: [awkwardly] Okay, Whats he doing now?
Bing: Who cares. He didn't even get out of the freaking space ship thing, he just sat in there scratching his ass. I mean I actually got out and had a walk around, okay. Now, as far as I know and correct me if I'm wrong, I'm the only one here whose done that. [To the Scout Leader] Have you walked on the moon? NO! [To a Scout member sitting at the back] Have you walked on the moon? NO! Have you...[To a boy in a wheelchair] Rolled on the moon? NO! Hands up anyone here, whose been to the moon. [Bing stands with his hands up, starts walking around] Just me!
Scout Leader: [To another Scout member] George, you have a question.
George: Have you been to any other planets?
Bing: [Makes a rude gesture to him] First up, the moon is not a planet! that's why its called the moon! Its a moon! The moon! Second, no one has been to any other planets, so its not like I'm not the first guy not to do that, okay. Third, I went to the moon, okay! [Points to a picture of the moon] I went there! I don't know why, it's real boring, there's no TV, no stores, no restaurants, you can't even get a decent cup of coffee. There's shit all there, but I went to the moon!


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