Last modified on 3 April 2015, at 00:37


Leverage (2008–2012) is an American TV series created by John Rogers and Chris Downey. It follows a group of thieves who steal mainly from corrupt corporations to return money to their victims.

Season 1Edit

The Nigerian Job [1.1]Edit

Eliot Spencer: You're not as useless as you look.
Alec Hardison: (scoffs) I don't even know what you do.
[Typed Caption] Eliot Spencer. Retrieval Specialist.
Eliot: (takes out four guys before Hardison's bag touches the ground; turns to him with a smug smile) That's what I do.

Parker: (hangs down from bar overhead, referring to the comms) Can I have one?
Hardison: You can have the whole box.
Eliot: What're you gonna do when she finds out you live with your mom?
Hardison: (chuckles) Age of the geek, baby. We run the world.
Eliot: Mhm. You keep tellin' yourself that.
[Typed Caption] Parker. Security Circum. (strikes that) Infiltration and Alter. (strikes that) Thief.

Eliot: This thing safe?
Hardison: ... Yeah, it's completely safe... it's just you know, if you experience nausea, weakness in your right side, stroke, strokiness...
Eliot: You're precisely why I work alone.

Nate Ford: Guys, listen up. We're going on my count, not a second sooner. Parker, no freelancing.
Eliot: Hey, relax. We know what we're doin'.
Nate: And on the count of five, four...
Hardison: Aw, he doesn't want to be our pal.
Nate: We're on the count! Five, four, three..
Parker: (runs by and jumps over the side) Yahoooooo!
Eliot: She's gone!
Nate: Son of a--!
Eliot: (looks over the side of the building) That's twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag!

Parker: Problem. Those guards you ganked? They reset all the alarms on the roof and all the floors above us. We can't go up.
Eliot: Every man for himself, dude.
Hardison: Go ahead! I'm the one with the merchandise.
Parker: Yeah, well, I'm the one with an exit!
Nate: And I'm the one with a plan. Now I know you children don't play well with others, but I need you to hold it together for exactly seven more minutes. Now, get to the elevator and head down. We're going to the burn scam.

Hardison: Going to plan B?
Nate: Technically, that would be plan G.
Hardison: How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a plan M?
Nate: Yeah. Hardison dies in plan M.
Eliot: I like plan M.

Nate: Alright, let's go break the law just one more time.

Eliot: I'm going to beat Dubenich so bad even the people that look like him are going to bleed.
Parker: You won't get within a hundred yards. He knows your face. He knows all our faces.
Eliot: He tried to kill us.
Parker: More importantly, he didn't pay us.
Eliot: How is that more important?!
Parker: I take that personally.
Eliot: There's somethin' wrong with you.

Eliot: What's in it for me?
Nate: Payback. And if it goes right, a lot of money.
Parker: And what's in it for me?
Nate: A lot of money. And if it goes right, payback. Hardison?
Hardison: I-I was just going to send a thousand porno magazines to his office, but hell yeah, let's kick him up!
Eliot: (to Nate) What's in it for you?
Nate: .. He used my son.
[long pause]
Nate: All right, let's go get Sophie.
Eliot: What the hell's a Sophie?

Hardison: Shouldn't I be playing the computer guy?
Nate: No, I want you to actually be the computer guy.
[In the office]
Dubenich's Security: You're strong for a computer guy.
Eliot: Thank you. I like to work out. I like to work out 'cause I-I like to dress up as Klingon and go to all the conventions. Q'apla!
Dubenich's Security: (startled) Oh!
Eliot: Sorry.
Dubenich's Security: That's okay. Q'apla!
Eliot: Don't you tease me.
Dubenich's Security: Oh!
Hardison: Oh, hold up, man, that is not-that is not cool! That is not cool! We're gonna have a strong talk when you get back!

Nate: When you work with planes, you pick up a few things.
Hardison: You pick up a lotta things.
Parker: Ha!

[the team gets their first look at Sophie's acting "skills
Hardison: She's awful.
Parker: Is she injured? In the head?
Eliot: Seriously man, she is the worst actress I've ever seen.
Nate: This is not her stage.
. . .
[Later, they watch her effortlessly con a mark]
Hardison: [surprised] She's not awful.
Nate: This is her stage. Sophie Devereaux is the finest actress you've ever seen…when she's breaking the law.

Sophie Devereaux: So, this time you really will be in my head.
Hardison: (rolls by on his swivel chair, points at Nate) Ooooooh. Oooooooh.

Pierson: Don't you want money?
Nate: This particular project has a different revenue stream.

Hardison: I'm just very good at what I do.
Parker: This is the score! The score!
Hardison: Age of the geek, baby.
Eliot: Somebody kiss this man so I don't have to.

[after the con]
Parker: What is it with women and shoes?
Sophie: There's something wrong with you.
Eliot: That's what I said!

[last lines; the team is interviewing two grieving parents who want revenge on the company that killed their daughter]
Nate: People like that…corporations like that, they have all the money, they have all the power, and they use it to make people like you go away. Right now, you're suffering under an enormous weight. We provide…Leverage.

The Homecoming Job [1.2]Edit

Corporal Perry: Hey, say hi to Jenny.
Marine: He's cheating on you.
Corporal Perry: Nice.
Marine: With a camel. A drunk, slutty camel.
Corporal Perry: Alright. It was one time. Okay? And the camel's been texting me, but it's over, I promise.

Parker: You ID'd the weapon from the gunshot sound?
Eliot: It has a very distinctive sound.
Eliot: The tall one? The way he used a knife? Ex Marine. Probably Force Recon.
Hardison: You ID'd a guy off his knife fighting style?
Eliot: It's a very distinctive style.

Hardison: What I did before, nobody got hurt.
Sophie: I stole paintings.
Parker: I never hurt anybody, either.
[They all look at Eliot]
Eliot: I actually hurt people, so...

[While getting ready to rappel off of a building]
Hardison: I gotta go back to the office, I just remembered something.
Parker: What?
Hardison: I just remembered gravity. And the squishiness of all my manly bits.

[Sophie is at a Congressman's party, pretending to be a lobbyist for a defense contractor.]
Sophie: My company's focused on meeting Senators, but I'm thinking Congressmen.
Charles Dufort: You know the great thing about Congressmen? Fifty, a hundred grand well spent will get one elected. But then once they're in, the incumbency rate is over ninety-five percent! So you can get on average eighteen, twenty years use out of one of them. In these uncertain times, buying a United States Congressman is one of the best investments a corporation can make.
Hardison: [listening in on comms] Oh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm a professional criminal and I find that disturbing.

Sophie: When men are telling the truth, they're not looking me in the eye. A man only ever looks a woman in the eye when he's making the effort to lie to her.
Eliot: Well, you can't argue with that.
Hardison: Noted and filed.

The Two-Horse Job [1.3]Edit

Parker: I once saw a horse kill a clown.
Parker: Horses are much less murderous than I originally thought.

[Regarding Sterling]
Parker: He's like Nate. Evil Nate!

James Sterling: Nathan Ford is a common criminal.
Nate: Oh, common. That’s just hurtful.

Parker: [Crawling through an air duct] Looks like Parker's gonna have to crawl through the air duct again. God forbid anyone else would have to learn how to frickin' crawl on their stomach through a tiny space. It's not rocket science, people.
Eliot: [on comms, from the truck] Parker, you realize that we can still hear you?
[Parker sighs exasperatedly]:

Aimee: I'm glad you found a family.
Eliot: Who? Those guys?
Aimee: I'm just sorry it couldn't be me.

The Miracle Job [1.4]Edit

Parker: That's Saint Nicholas?
Hardison: Yes.
Parker: Santa Claus has a church?
Eliot: (irritated) It's not Santa Claus!
Nate: Hardison, can you make the statue cry without melting Saint Nick's head?
Parker: Don't melt Santa.
Eliot and Hardison: It's not Santa!!
[questioning a gang member]
Hardison: You got a number?
Gang Member: (hands him a paper)
Eliot: Can you do something with that?
Hardison: Seven digits, I can find you on Mars.
Gang Leader: We didn't beat up no priest. We're not monsters.
[Later, after Hardison's tackle a gang member]
Gang Leader: You beat up a priest? [Gestures at the gun Eliot is holding] Do you mind?
Eliot: Be my guest.
Gang Leader: [points gun at injured gang member] You have a long penance ahead of you. Start by answering the man's question.

Hardison: How about that, baby! You see me?
Eliot: He was injured!
Hardison: Well, somebody got to fight the injured, shoot, that's my niche.

Hardison: As long as I don't have to do anything immoral.
Nate: No, absolutely not. No, I just need you to figure out how to...fake a miracle.
[Eliot laughs]
Hardison: We all goin' to Hell.

Nate: I said bleeding tears, not-not bleeding ears!
Hardison: Look, look... look man, you’re lucky on this deadline, I didn't give you a baking soda volcano.

Hardison: I'ma step over here, so when the good lord throws down on all y'all, I don't get hit by the lightning.

[last line of the episode, on why they took the job to protect St. Nicholas Church]
Sophie: Saint Nicholas? He's the patron saint of thieves.

The Bank Shot Job [1.5]Edit

Judge: The truth? The truth is what I say it is.

Sheriff Bill Hastings: You guys sure are quick. Just called this in twenty minutes ago.
Hardison: Uh, we were coming back from a little border skirmish. Charlie unit came under attack by a pack of chupacabras.
Sheriff Bill Hastings: Chupacabras? Thought those things were urban legends.
Hardison: You're adorable.

Sheriff Hastings: We're just going by the book.
Hardison: The…the book? The book got a good man killed. I can't…my blood pressure…
Parker: Ex-partner. Probably shouldn't mention the book again. Or propellers.

Derrick Clark: No, no cops. If they find out we contacted the police, they'd kill her.
Sophie: They're not cops, I promise you. They're friends of mine, you can trust them.
Derrick Clark: Why should I trust you? I don't know who you are.
Sophie: I'm a thief.
Derrick Clark: Okay…I'm not sure what to do with that.

Nate: Parker, have you ever robbed a bank that's being robbed?
Parker: [smiling gleefully] There's a first time for everything.

Hardison: (giving the list of "demands" to local police) First off, they want 12 large pizzas. One cheese, one Hawaiian-extra pineapple, two pepperoni and black olives, two meat lovers...Seriously? Nobody's writing this down? Seriously? One triple-shot, half-caf vanilla latte, tall. Three of the latest copies of the Hall & Oates CD. I know, right? Exciting stuff. I didn't know they were coming out with a new one either. Um, we're gonna need some steaks. Steaks and a grill, they're tryin' to tailgate. OK, they need your overalls, I don't know why. They need some Kibbles and Bits. We need an Etch-A-Sketch. Somebody in there likes to squiggle, ok? Possibly we need some stuffed bears. Are we good? Let's go, people!

Derrick Clark: [hands the briefcase with the money to Parker] There's a lot of money in there.
Parker: Yeah, I know.
Derrick Clark: My wife's life depends on that money getting where it needs to go.
Parker: I understand…Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get.

Eliot: Hey. What smells like crank and screams like a girl?
[kicks a meth dealer in the knee, prompting the scream]
Eliot: That's the right answer.

The Stork Job [1.6]Edit

Sophie: So, how'd you know Irina would go for the movie thing?
Nate: A European grifter who wants to be an actress? Lucky guess.

Nate: Where's Parker?
Eliot: [walking into the office] How the hell should I know?
Hardison: Can't reach her on the comms. She slipped the security grid at the embassy.
Sophie: Where could she be?
Hardison: This is Parker we're talking about. She could be halfway across Europe by now. Trust me, she is gone.
Parker: [popping up to the left of Nate] Who's gone? [everybody turns to her in surprise] What?

Sophie: This, this, this is my world! Okay, you need, you need someone to, I dunno, crawl through an air duct, you call Parker. Bash a head in? Eliot. Internet porn? Hardison! You need someone to take over a movie, then…
Nate: I ask an actor. Right. Um. Sophie. About the acting…
Sophie: Oh, yeah? What? What is it?
Nate: [looks around uncomfortably] You're right. You're right. You, you know, we're gonna, we're gonna go with your scene.

Eliot: She [Sophie] can't act!
Nate: Oh, she can act. When it's an act.

Hardison: I know growing up was tough, I-I know that you-you grew up in the system and that it was, it was bad, I know it-it was worse than bad, but that doesn't mean that all foster parents are monsters. Mine wasn't.
Parker: You grew up with your grandmother.
Hardison: We called her Nana, but she was our foster mom. She, uh, she-she would cuss like a sailor an' old girl would tan your ass just as soon as look at you, but, but she-she fed us, she bathed us, she put a roof over our heads, and, oh, she would raise hell if you so much as looked at us crooked.
Parker: Yeah? Well, you were lucky. No. We put these kids in the system and odds are, they're gonna…they're gonna… [tearing up] they're gonna turn out like me.
Hardison: [gently] I like how you turned out.

Nate: More, more, more, more! Blood, blood! More! That's what audiences want!
Irina: To see me die?
Nate: Like you wouldn't believe. [laughs insanely]

The Wedding Job [1.7]Edit

[Eliot has been sent in to the local FBI offices steal data, only to find it's all on cassette tapes.]
Eliot: Hardison, how am I supposed to get out of the FBI offices with a box full of surveillance tapes, huh?
Hardison: [Over comms] Punch somebody!
Eliot: [Threateningly] Oh, I'm gonna punch somebody.

Nate: Sophie, where are we at?
Sophie: Huh? I don’t know, Nate. I think you need to ask yourself that question. You called me, remember? And now we’re working together every day. I don’t know what you want. And to ask me that dressed like a Vicar. You’re a very strange man.
Nate: No, no, no. I meant where are we at with finding the money?

Eliot: There was this girl I grew up with. But anyway, she married somebody else so..
Hardison: Hot damn. What did you do?
Eliot: What did I do? I liberated Croatia.

[Eliot is demonstrating his culinary skills to a surprised Nate]
Eliot: I’m cutting onions. De-veining shrimp. Pan searing some scallops. I got 200 people I gotta feed, all right? Back off!
Nate: Okay, okay.
Eliot: [grinning] What, you think the only thing I know how to do is bust heads?
Nate: No, well, yeah.
Eliot: Look. Hold a knife like this, [holds a chef's knife normally] cuts through an onion. [switches to a backhand grip] Hold a knife like this…cuts through, like, eight yakuza in four seconds. Screams, carnage. People are like knives. Everything's in context.

Parker: The downstairs is clear. That leaves one place where the money could be stashed. Screening room. [pauses] Go.
Eliot: These peaches aren't going to poach themselves, Parker.
Parker: [mutters] Sorry, Emeril.
Eliot: What was that?
Parker: [walking away] You heard me!
Eliot: Yeah. I'll show you. [takes some salt and throws it into the pan] Bam!

[Nate walks in on the aftermath of a fight]
Nate: Did you just kill a guy with an appetizer?
Eliot: I dunno. Maybe.

The Mile High Job [1.8]Edit

[Parker is posing as a flight attendant after stealing a bag from the original woman assigned to the flight.]
Sophie: [To Nate and Eliot] How did you both know there'd be an extra uniform in the bag?
Nate: Everyone knows flight attendants are required to carry extra uniforms in case they get called to work unexpectedly.
Eliot: Or if something happens to the one they're already wearing.
Sophie: How does everyone know that?
[In unison]
Nate: Worked airport security.
Eliot: Slept with a flight attendant.

[In Nate Ford's Office]
Hardison: Let's see what we can learn about Nathan Ford today. Online poker? Online chess? Sudoku. Crossword. Damn, somebody needs to get laid.
Nate: Hardison?
Hardison: Uh, what's up? Yeah?
Nate: Are you in my chair?
Hardison: No no. I-I'm not, I'm not in your…I'm at a desk. My desk in my office, waitin', waitin' on your call so you can tell me what I can do to help you and uh, uh, the team.
Nate: You can stop now.
Hardison: Appreciate it.
[After the discussion]
Nate: And Hardison.
Hardison: Yeah?
Nate: Don't forget to turn off my computer.
Hardison: [dumbstruck] Well how in the hell…

Parker: [as a flight attendant, speaking before takeoff] In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. But let’s face it, if this thing goes down in the water, more than likely, the impact will kill you.
[People give each other uncertain looks while Eliot rubs his face]
Parker: Please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exits. Because if this plane's on fire, you're gonna wanna get out quick. Jet fuel burns at over a thousand degrees! That's hot, folks.
[People murmur, looking even more concerned and confused]

Girl: Could I have a ginger ale please?
Parker: You've already had two.
Girl: Yeah, I know. It's like a placebo effect. It's not really working, but it makes you feel better anyway.
Parker: Yeah? So, when's that supposed to kick in?

Hardison: Yeah, they transferred me from the second floor.
Cheryl: Well, I don’t know what it was like in consumer integrations, but let me tell you I have been working my butt off on this account. But Steve, no, he's just sitting back, waiting for me to fail. So he can swoop in and save the day. I swear, it's like he's a rogue and I’m a mage and we're part of the same guild, but secretly, he's at work with the Alliance to undermine us.
Hardison: For the Horde.
Cheryl: For the Horde. [fist bump] You play 'World of Warcraft?'
Hardison: You kidding? Did you get the new expansion pack? Woman, I was up all night. Now, look, I mean "Burning Crusade" was great, but this new one is mind-blowing.
Nate: Hardison…you bailed on the job because you were up all night playing a game?

Parker: Look, flying isn't really all that scary when you think about it. I mean, there are a lot more likely ways to die than on a plane: car crash, house fire, electrocution, drowning, auto-erotic asphyxiation. I mean, fact is, death haunts us every day, no matter where we are.

The Snow Job [1.9]Edit

Parker: "A man with one watch knows the time. A man with two is never sure." [everyone turns to stare at her] I had fortune cookies for breakfast.
Hardison: So what, you had leftover Chinese for breakfast?
Parker: No, just the cookies.
Hardison: Do you put milk on the fortune cookies…
Parker: It's not cereal. It's a fortune cookie.

Nate: We're going with a much bigger scam. One of the classics.
Parker: The "London Spank"?
Hardison: The "Genevan Possidoblé"?
Eliot: The "Apple Pie"?
[everyone stares at him in confusion]
Eliot: It's like The "Cherry Pie", but with lifeguards.
Sophie: (savouring the thought) Ooh..
Nate: (announcing the actual one they'll be doing) The "Glengarry Glen Death". It's like mutual fund, but instead of stocks you invent in, in death.

Hardison: (after losing to Eliot twice in Rock, Paper, Scissors) How do you do that?
Eliot: You have a tell.
Hardison: I-I have a tell...
Eliot: Yeah.
Hardison: In.. Rock, Paper, Scissors..
Eliot: Yeah, go!
[Parker is pretending to have fallen off a ski lift, but then just dangles there.]
Nate: [Over the comms] Parker? Parker? Parker, what are you doing?
Parker: Oh, yeah. [Unenthusiastically] Help. Help. Help. [To the other man in the lift] How you doing?

Nate: Can we give [Parker] a fake tumor?
Hardison: Oh, we could inject her brain with some contrast dye and have it pool into her cranial cavity but there might be some side effects.
Parker: Like what?
Hardison: Organ failure, death, deathlike symptoms.
Parker: I vote for plan B.

Nate: Somebody find me a brain.
Parker: Oh yeah, he's definitely getting creepier.

[Sophie is preparing Parker for the role of a dying woman]
Sophie: Think of, um, a really sad thing that's happened in your life like, I dunno, when your father died.
[Parker bursts out laughing]

Cop: What business do you have here in Florida?
Nate: I like the outlet malls.

The 12-Step Job [1.10]Edit

Hardison: Don't get mad, but...I may have spilled slushie in your car.
Eliot: That's like forty-four ounces, Hardison!
Hardison: It's not that much...
Eliot: The lid is floating in the damn floorboard, man!
Hardison: Wow. You are...
Eliot: It's running into the backseat!
Hardison: Very dramatic.
Eliot: When we get back to the office, you're cleaning this up.
Hardison: Seriously? [Spots Jack leaving the bar]
Eliot: You're cleaning this up as soon as we get back!
Hardison: That's our guy.
Eliot: I'm not-don't try to change the subject!

[Hardison gets a gun from gang members during a fight and shoots their car before he and Eliot run away.]
Eliot: Nice job, blowing out the engine block.
Hardison: I was aiming for his leg.
Eliot: Gimme the gun, Hardison!

[Hardison is stuck near a bomb that is about to explode.]
Hardison: It's, uh, a computer bomb, I-I know computers. Computer bomb, um... we, we gotta-we gotta reboot the system! Yeah.
Eliot: You want me to kick it?
Hardison: God, I'm goin' to die.

Hardison: [After a narrow escape from a bomb] I'ma go and... freshen up a little bit. Maybe cry a little.

[while in rehab, a detoxing Nate hallucinates a visit from Sterling]
Sterling: You know how to get rid of me. But that would violate all twelve steps, wouldn't it?

The Juror No. 6 Job [1.11]Edit

Hardison: Everything I learned about people, I learned ringing doorbells and in a bow tie. Parker never had that. I mean, jumping from a sky scraper, she's cool. But making small talk, it's like pure terror.

Juror 7: (whispering to Parker) I hope the rest of this case is this good. (laughs)
Parker: (whispering back) What'd you have for breakfast? You smell like gravy.

Eliot: It's your turn to be in the dumpster.
Hardison: Nah, man, I have peanut allergies. What if somebody threw in some extra crunchy Skippy? Do you want to give me mouth to mouth?

Eliot: You have an orange. Alright, now convince me that I want the orange, not the apple... I'm gonna take a bite.... [takes a bite]
Parker: I put a razor blade in that apple!
Eliot: [Spits out the apple] Are you serious!?
Parker: Maybe, but do you know what doesn't have a razor blade in it? This orange.

Peggy: I'm starving.
Parker: Me too, I could kill for a steak.
Peggy: I thought you were vegetarian.
Parker: Oh, yeah. I meant... a bean steak. A steak... made out of beans. Held together with soy glue.

Hardison: I literally cannot make this slower or any more boring. Okay? You know why they say Justice wears a blindfold? So you can't see that Justice is asleep.
Nate: I am sure there's reservoirs of boring you have yet to plumb.

[Skip to Hardison presenting his case]

Hardison: Slide 162, this is, this is good stuff. Dr. Goldferb, hi, can you tell us how the chemicals work their way into the neurotransmitters?
Judge: Is this going anywhere, counsel?
Hardison: Oh I assure you, your honor, the next 100 slides are essential.

Sophie: Charlie, the messenger guy, you know, the one with the five kids?
Parker: Gay?
Sophie: Bulimic. Trevor, the frat boy... however, yeah. Super gay.
Parker: What about Peggy?
Sophie: Actually, Peggy is disgustingly normal. But the rest of them they all have their own Alice White. You just, you just happen to give yours a name.

Parker: Alice made a friend!
Eliot: I'm gonna tell you one more time. You made a friend. Not "Alice."
Parker: Oh. Cool! Well, think she'll want to go steal a painting with me?
Sophie: Start small, Parker. Try coffee.

The First David Job [1.12]Edit

[Nate is pointing a gun at Blackpoole]
Ian Blackpoole: Are you here to kill me, Nate?
Nate: Not tonight.
Blackpoole: Well, in that case, come in. There's shrimp. [walks away]
Nate: I do love shrimp. [tosses gun away]

[Parker and Hardison are in the van when Nate gets into the vault where the Davids are stored]
Parker: [in a high-pitched voice to the fake David] Look little buddy ! That's your new home!
Hardison: Can you please not play with the little naked man? Please?
Parker: [clutching the fake David protectively] No, no! We can't let your ex-wife anywhere near our little naked man!

Parker: [Excitedly] WE JUST STOLE AN EIGHT MILLION DOLLAR STATUE! On, like, our day off!

Jim Sterling: [To Nate, over Parker's comm] Let's see how many birds we have in hand. You know this is Parker's. Now, Alec Hardison?
Soldier: [Over Hardison's comm] Accounted for, Mr. Sterling. And we have the cash, too.
Sterling: Marvelous. Mr. Spencer?
Eliot: [Over the comm] Hey, Sterling. I got some dental work with your name on it. What do you say we hook up so I can give it to you?

[Hardison leaves a video message on the monitors for Sterling and his goons when they break into the Leverage offices]
Hardison: Hey, Sterling! Get. Out. Of. My. House!
[the screens switch to a countdown timer for a bomb]

The Second David Job [1.13]Edit

Nate: Grifter, hitter, hacker, thief. You were all trying to solve your version of the crime instead of just trying to... solve the crime. There’s a reason we work together.

Maggie Collins: You can't just make somebody do what you want them to do.
Eliot: Woah..
[everybody chuckles]
Hardison: That's what we do. I mean..
Parker: (pets Maggie's head) You're adorable.

Maggie: You actually expect this to work?
Hardison: No, you're supposed to say "Wow, that's just crazy enough to work!"
Sophie: Incredibly, chance does seem to bend itself to his bizarre machinations.
Parker: [whispering to Maggie] That's his superpower. [sniffs Maggie's shoulder]

[Hardison is excited about the number of results a mark got when searching victims of a curse]
Hardison: Eliot, what does that say?
Eliot: It says "dead".
Hardison: D-E-D, dead, baby.
Eliot and Nate: D-E-A-D!
Hardison: I... I know how to... I was throwing a little style in it, just a little bit. A little style. I know how to spell "dead," dammit! I can steal a bank, I can spell "dead"!

Maggie: [Punching Blackpoole] Screw therapy! That felt really good.

Sterling: [to Nate, after the con] So, you know your entire plan depended on me being a self-serving, utter bastard.
Nate: [smirks] Yeah, that's a stretch.

Maggie: And worst of all, he completely forgot I gave him that button cam for Christmas three years ago.
[The van door opens. Nate, Parker, Hardison, and Sophie look shocked to see Maggie standing there]
Nate: I can explain..

Sterling: Extortion?
Nate: I prefer to think of it as oversight.

Season 2Edit

The Beantown Bailout Job [2.1]Edit

Eliot: You quit drinking?
Nate: Yep
Eliot: You quit drinking.
Nate: Sure did
Eliot: You quit drinking? How'd you know about this place then?
Nate: I rent a condo upstairs.
Eliot: You rent a condo above the bar?
Nate: That's right.
Eliot: Well, that's very... Catholic.

Parker: I stole the Hope Diamond.
Nate: What?
Parker: And then I put it back. Yeah. Because I was bored. Didn't care.
Hardison: I spent three days hacking White House e-mail. No buzz.
Sophie: See?
Hardison: But we are doing some hinky stuff in Pakistan. Hinky.
Sophie: Look, I'm miserable, they're miserable. [to Eliot] Okay, what-what have you been doing the last six months?
Eliot: ... I was in Pakistan.

Nate: That's my shirt
Sophie:Yeah, Oh I stayed the night to make sure you were okay. But don't worry, I didn't, you know, look under your bed. I know that's where you guys keep your weird, kinky stuff.
Nate: There's nothing under my bed.
Parker:[Parker opening the kitchen cabinet] This is all coffee.
Nate: Get out of there! What are you guys doing? Come on, Get out of here. Get this stuff out of here. Your planning something, I know it. Come on, Get out of my house. Out.

[Parker walks out of Nate's kitchen dressed as a nun]
Eliot: She's dressed that way 'cause she's doing a con.
Nate: What, you thought she was dressed like a nun for no reason?
Eliot: It's Parker.
Nate: Well, fair enough.

Eliot: That's why the businesses are clean; they're dirty from the inside.
Nate: Well, yeah, I mean, if you have a body in the trunk of your car, you're gonna drive under the speed limit, aren't you?
Parker: You know, when you're sober, your metaphors get creepier.

Nate: Now if you'll excuse me, I am gonna go call a professional killer who tried to murder me and arrange to meet him in an isolated location.

Parker: What are the odds that Eliot's crotch will actually explode?
Eliot: Dammit Hardison!

Zoe: There are wolves in the world. That's what Dad says. "Be careful, Zoe. There are wolves in the world."
Nate: He was not wrong.

[After the con takes a bad turn]
Parker: Oh! They're probably gonna shoot Nate in the the face!
Nate: Parker, I can hear you.

Nate: You can't come in here and start hanging stuff on the walls.
Hardison: Oh yeah yeah, for repairs and renovations, your landlord has full access to your dwelling. It's in the lease.
Nate: What are you doing reading my lease?
Hardison: (big smile) I bought the building.
Nate: You bought the... You're my landlord?
Hardison: Yeah.
Eliot: (comes through the wall with a chainsaw)
Nate: No no no no no..

The Tap Out Job [2.2]Edit

Room Service Operator: Room service, can I help you?
Sophie: Yeah, no, I can't eat this.
Room Service Operator: I'm sorry?
Sophie: Everything on my plate is yellow.
Room Service Operator: It's a chicken fried steak.
Sophie: It's what? Chicken fried steak?
Room Service Operator: Yes, ma'am.
Sophie: No, let me just tell you, all right? Meat should never be used as an adjective.

Sophie: I'm starving.
Parker: Ooh! Found these in the minibar.
Sophie: Pork rinds? How do you peel a pig?

[Sophie posing as a producer meets with the guy they're trying to hook]
Jed Rucker: What event are you here to produce?
[Sophie hesitates, Hardison hurriedly looks up local events, speaking in her earpiece]
Hardison: On it. Tractor pull in Grand Island... a livestock show in Council Bluffs... white people doing other white people things...

[Nate, Sophie, and Eliot leave the meeting she had with their mark]
Nate: Trianna. Really.
Hardison: [through earpiece] Hey man, look you're lucky I didn't give you a monster truck rally on-on an Indian reservation.
Eliot: Now what?
Nate: To hook this guy, we have to convince him Sophie's the real deal.
Sophie: And how are we going to do that?
Nate: Let's go steal us a concert.

[after they've been found out by their mark]
Hardison: Look, you know what I can do? I can re-task a satellite. I can get a level-three NSA clearance. But I can't hack a hick.

Sophie: You don't have to do this, you know. Nate's gonna come up with something.
Eliot: I'm losing a fight, Sophie, I'm not diving on a grenade. I'll be all right.
Sophie: Yeah, I know, I'm not talking physically.
Eliot: I think my ego can handle it.
Sophie: Look, you told me it's about control, about knowing that you're never going to be the victim. And that's what keeps you going, right?
Eliot: You think I'm upset because I gotta let this guy kick my ass? I learned a long time ago that you can't control the violence. I can take the pain--that's what I do. What I need to control is not out there. [Puts his hand over his heart] It's in here.

[during the fight with Eliot and Tank]
Sophie: Get the doctor, Parker, now.
Rucker: No need, it'll be over in a couple of minutes.
Sophie: You don't get it, do you? Eliot's not like other fighters! He doesn't play games! He fights to survive, that's his training. It takes all his control not to kill somebody! You've just made him more dangerous; you've taken the safety off the gun!

The Order 23 Job [2.3]Edit

Nate: I'm thinking!
Parker: Nate, hate to rush you, but Eddie goes to the prison in an hour, so...

Parker: So what do we do now?
Nate: Well, I just sent Eddie to the hospital. So let's go steal us a hospital.

Parker: So let me get this straight. You're a doctor.
Nate: Yeah.
Parker: What if someone asks you to deliver a baby?
Nate: I'd say I'm not an obstetrician.
Parker: What, a what?
Nate: A baby doctor.
Parker: Well, what if there's a train accident and there's stretchers everywhere and someone points to you and says "Hey you! Help me with this sucking chest wound!"
Nate: I'd stick my hand in the chest and, y'know, hope for the best.
Parker: Oh, you are so not operating on me.

[as Parker and Nathan watch on a computer monitor, the team's mark develops a spontaneous nosebleed]
Parker: Did you just give a guy a nosebleed with the power of your mind?

Parker: Is it just me, or has Nate gotten even more sadistic since he quit drinking?
Sophie: Is it just me, [grins] or does that make him even more attractive?

The Fairy Godparents Job [2.4]Edit

Hardison: Looks like an ordinary cell phone, right? It's not, man. It's a metal detector. See, it uses pulse-induction technology that sends out a current that generates a magnetic field, and then...are you even listening?
Eliot: Yeah.
Hardison: Well, what'd I say?
Eliot: You were explaining how you're still a virgin?

Nate: There are three general exceptions for house arrest: personal safety, death of a relative, and family events.
Eliot: Personal safety. We could burn the apartment down.
Parker: [excitedly raises her hand] Ooh! Ooh!

Widmark Fowler: I want someone to like me. Does that get easier when you're a grown-up?
Sophie: [long pause] Um, no, I don't think it does.
Widmark: You're nice. But weird.

The Three Days of the Hunter Job [2.5]Edit

[Sophie has taken the lead on the job, and is explaining it to the team with her usual flair]
Sophie: ...and then to protect themselves, they issue an apology to Mr. Pennington, and then they throw Monica Hunter into the jaws of the very media machine that she bent to her own malicious will.
Parker: Wow. I gotta say, Sophie's briefings are much more dramatic.
Eliot: And poetic.

Parker: Eliot, these conspiracies aren't real, right?
Eliot: What do you mean?
Parker: Like that one over there that says all the major wars of the past fifty years were ordered by the council.
Eliot: Parker, I'm not at liberty to discuss that with you.
Parker: [As Eliot is walking away] You're not a member of the Council... are you? Eliot! [Looks at Nate] Is he?

Parker: We totally went to the moon.
Eliot: Movie sets. I've seen them, they're outside of Albuquerque.
Parker: Why would there still be sets there?
Eliot: Because they're gonna reuse them for the Mars mission, repaint them all red.

Sophie: She has to have corroboration from her own sources, she has to craft the narrative. Monica Hunter has to be the author of her own personal nightmare!
[Nate looks at her in disbelief, then turns to Eliot]
Nate: Do I sound that creepy when I...
Eliot: Hell. Yes.

Hardison: [caught on army base] I don't know that white woman. I met her at a bar, she said we was going back to her place. I thought it was a gated community.

[Hardison is being held at an army base after their mark goes a little too far]
Hardison: [over comms] Get me out of here!
Sophie: Yeah, I-I'm working on it!
Parker: On it! [gets ready to leave]
Sophie: No, no, no, no! You cannot go. You're dead. Monica Hunter sees you and the whole con is blown.
Parker: Right.
Hardison: Damn the con! I am a black man caught on an army base with a video camera! I am going to jail forever!

Monica Hunter: Okay, let's pretend there aren't any bunkers.
Capt. Carpenter: There aren't any bunkers!
Monica: You're a horrible liar. In these bunkers that don't exist, there's going to be panic.
Carpenter: Who's panicking?
Monica: The special people.

Lt. Kyle Abbot: Sir, mine is freaking me right out, sir.
Carpenter: Mine appears to be insane.

Parker: Loch Ness monster?
Hardison: Loch Ness submarine.
Parker: NO!
Eliot: Yeah, those waters are cold and deep. It's the perfect place to test.
Parker: Area 51.
Eliot: True.
Hardison: False. [Looks at Eliot] False.
Eliot: It's true.
Hardison: No, she said Area 51.
Eliot: I'm sorry. False. Area 52.
Hardison: Been there.

The Top Hat Job [2.6]Edit

Sophie: You definitely have things in common with her.
Nate: Like what?
Sophie: Well, um, she's a scientist and...well, um, you're a bit nerdy, aren't you?
Nate: I'm a bit nerdy?
Sophie: And, food, she works with food.
Nate: She works with food?
Sophie: Well, you eat, don't you?

Eliot: [over comms] Hardison, we got a problem.
Hardison: What kind of problem?
Eliot: They're MRI-ing my pizza and their stance says ex-CIA.
Hardison: You can tell somebody worked for the CIA just from how they stand?
Eliot: It's a very distinctive stance!

Homeless guy: Remember when I said you had pretty hair? I was lying.
Parker: Yeah? Well, so was I when I said you didn't... wait, dammit.

[during the pre-con briefing]
Hardison: This is the vice president of the frozen foods division, Erik Casten. Erik with a K, Casten with a C.
Nate: And how is that relevant?
Parker: Oh. Eric with a C? Nice and friendly. Erik with a K? Evil.
Sophie: I didn't know that.
Parker: Everybody knows that.

Hardison: According to Dr. Jameson, Erik with a K is trying to cover up salmonella found in the frozen dinners so that his division doesn't have to pay out for that recall.
Eliot: That's why I grow my own food.
Sophie: How do you find the time?
Eliot: You make time. I only sleep 90 minutes a day.

[Hardison shows off his hacking skills using a cell phone]
Parker: You picked his pockets without stealing anything. Cool.
Hardison: It's what I do. A man, a phone, no limits.
Eliot: A man, a phone, no action. Come on, man, you left that out there like a hanging curve ball!

Eliot: How long is this gonna take?
Hardison: As long as it has to take. You know, I was just pulled up to the ceiling of an elevator by my pants so do not take that tone with me!

[last lines: after the job, Eliot and Sophie talk about Nate]
Eliot: He's fine. We practically had to beg him to come back, all right? He's not drinking, he's at the top of his game. I gotta be honest with you, I can't even believe we pulled this one off.
Sophie: Well, that's the problem. He keeps winning. Every time he wins, he believes a little bit more that he can control... life.
Eliot: It's what gets him through the day.
Sophie: What happens when he loses? Last time he lost, it broke him. He breaks again, I don't think even we could pick up the pieces.

The Two Live Crew Job [2.7]Edit

Sophie: Did he ever express an interest in the color of your toe nail polish?
Receptionist: What? No.
Sophie: Did he have a wood chipper?
Nate: Did he ever ask you to come to his home to see his wood chipper?

[the team is trying to deal with a bomb sent to Sophie]
Parker: Is that C4?
Sophie: Ohh, Parker! Please don't poke at the motion-sensitive bomb.

[Parker is staring intently at Sophie]
Sophie: Stop it.
Parker: It's like you're haunting us.
Sophie: Parker, I'm not really dead. [Parker reaches to check her pulse] I'm not dead!

[after Sophie's "funeral"]
Sophie: Those were some nice things you said at my funeral.
Hardison: We trust Nate to make sure the plan works. We trust you to make sure we're all okay.

[Hardison and Chaos jump out of their vans and stare each other down]
Hardison: Chaos. I heard you were in jail. Guess I was wrong.
Chaos: Hardison. I heard you sucked. Guess I was right.

[after their first face-to-face encounter with Marcus Starke's team]
Hardison: You were scared to fight a girl.
Eliot: She'd mop the floor with you, Hardison.
Hardison: I don't care.
Eliot: Seriously, she actually killed a guy once with a mop. It's a funny story, actually. She broke the mop and took...

Nate: We know their strengths, we know their weaknesses-
Hardison: No, no, no, I have noted a distinct lack of weaknesses!

The Ice Man Job [2.8]Edit

Sophie: Go to Nate's storage cupboard. You're gonna find a sexy little mini-dress and my emergency Jimmy Choo's.
Parker: Jimmy who? You have a body in Nate's closet?
Sophie: Shoes, Parker!

Hardison: The Iceman cometh.

Eliot: I had court-side seats! Tell Hardison when this is over I'm gonna break his friggin' arm!
Nate: [to Hardison over the comm] Eliot says 'Hi'.

Parker: There's no way Hardison's gonna be able to break into that vault.
Hardison: What is Hardison gonna do?
Nate: Hardison's gonna pretend to break into the vault.
Eliot: Yeah well, hopefully the Russians will only pretend to kill him!

(Eliot is posing as store security, Hardison is posing as a British thief hired by Russians, who are watching them from outside)
Eliot: (as Hardison pretends to punch him to the floor) Next time, I play the thief.
Hardison: I'd like to hear you do an accent.
Eliot: (irritated, as he takes another "punch") I'd like to hear you do an accent!

Kerrity: What part of "get the hell out of my office" don't you get?
Nate: Mr. Kerrity, I'm in insurance. Now, if you think that I've never been threatened by a firearm before, you're quite mistaken.

The Lost Heir Job [2.9]Edit

Tara Carlisle: I checked you out, Mr. Ford. Half my sources say you're a vicious thief. The other half claim you're some sort of high-tech vigilante.
Nate: I like that. I should put that on my card.

Parker: Sophie would never approve. Call her!
Nate: We can't just keep calling Sophie!
Hardison: Oh, okay, I see how it is, we can't call her, but you can go off and have a little secret meeting with her.
Nate: Secret meeting? What are you talking about? I was in Harrisburg researching a client!
Hardison: Wow, 'cause ya know what? Your passport got dinged going through Heathrow airport yesterday. Heathrow's in London. I guess you couldn't get a direct flight over to Harrisburg.
Eliot: I know it's hard when you do the same day booking.
Hardison: Eliot, did you realize that London is the home of the most surveillance cameras in the world?
Parker: Really.
Hardison: Who feels like playing where's Waldo?
Parker: [raises hand] Ooh!
Hardison: I do! [clicks button] Uh! [pictures pop up on screen] There's Waldo right there. Waldo Ford. [clicks button and more pictures pop up] Oh, oh, is that Big Ben and you? [clicks button again] Wow, you got twins and triplets everywhere! And looky there, 11:18 AM standing outside of Sophie's apartment, looking quite pensive.
Parker: Awwwww, he's rehearsing what he's going to say! I've seen him do that.
Nate: All right, all right, all right, guys, okay, you, you caught me.

Tara: Look, Blanchard's here at the same time you are. That's a coincidence.
Nate: No, no, see we hacked into his online appointment schedule. I mean, yes, what a coincidence.

Hardison: Man, I hope you got a plan "B" or "F" or something in the first half of the alphabet.

Hardison: You do not let Vicki Vale into the Batcave! Ever!

The Runway Job [2.10]Edit

Sophie: Look, we didn't get along when we first started. And Eliot, how long did it take before you trusted me? Hmm? Eliot, you do trust me, don't you?
Eliot: That's not the point, Sophie.
Sophie: The last time one of you tried to grift, you wound up kidnapped by Russians.
Eliot: That's this brother right here.
Parker: Hardison.
Alec: Uh, we--we still can't let that go?
Sophie: Listen to me. Tara Cole is the best. I wouldn't have sent her if I didn't trust her, and I know you're going to love her. So just--just give her a chance.
Eliot: She is hot.
Hardison: She's very hot.
Parker: Hot.
[everybody looks at Parker]
Parker: Warm? Cold? Why are we staring?

[laying out the first part of the con]
Nate: We need a Caprina. [walks away]
Tara: W-what is that...So he just says things and walks away?
Parker: Yeah, you're gonna have to get used to that.

Tara: OK,she's on the hook.
Nate: Great. Let's go steal a fashion show.
Tara: "Steal a fashion--" Does he always talk like that?
Eliot: You're on comms
Nate: You do know I can hear you

[Tara talks to Sophie via video conference]
Tara: Nate Ford is arrogant, he's condescending, he just doesn't listen.
Sophie: Nate's having trouble communicating? I'm shocked.

Eliot: [slapping hands together] How am I supposed to find soy candles on such a short notice?
Parker: [punctuating each word with a point] Farmers. Market.

Parker: How about this?
Eliot: That's a shirt, Parker.
Parker: Okay, but at least you can move in it. These clothes are totally impractical, okay? There's no range of motion, limited concealment options, and this reflective material would set off a motion detector a mile away.
Eliot: It's a fashion show, it's not Thieves-R-Us!

Eliot: A-line drape with the empire waist is nice, but the neckline's a little weak if you [Parker gives him a weird look] What? Dated a lot of models. [Parker nods her head] Lot of private fashion shows, if you know what I mean.
Parker: [nods head] Yes, yes.
Eliot: But most of the dresses ended up on the ground.
Parker: Yup, I get it, you're a guy.
Eliot: That means they were naked.
Parker: [glares at him] Okay, seriously? [storms away]
Eliot: Yeah... I'm just saying.

Tara: And for what it's worth, Sophie was right. You guys are the best I've ever seen.
Nate: I know.
Tara: But no one in this world is as good as you think you are.

The Bottle Job [2.11]Edit

Parker: What kind of crook was your dad?
Hardison: Parker, you just...
Nate: He ran numbers.
Eliot: Let me get this straight. So, you-you stop stealing, you stop drinking, and you moved upstairs from a thief bar?
Parker: He did. I-I get that. You don't get that? Why does nobody else get that?

Nate: Easy, she's like my niece.
Eliot: She's not like your daughter though...
Nate: Yeah, like my niece... So I don't want you to like my niece.

Tara: What are we supposed to do, steal the wake?
Nate: Whoa, have some respect. Borrow the wake, to save the bar.

[after Hardison fakes a weather report wearing some borrowed clothes]
Nate: Is that my jacket?
Hardison: You know what, man? You're lucky I'm not wearing your underwear. And the next time y'all call me, it better be for something easy. Like faking a moon landing.

Eliot: We're at the safe. Parker wants to take it out for dinner and drinks first.
Parker: [caressing the old safe] This is a Glenn-Reeder Prestige from the '20s... so many memories.

The Zanzibar Marketplace Job [2.12]Edit

[Hardison suggests a vacation to Parker]
Hardison: Two weeks in Tokyo. We'd have a great time.
Parker: What are we stealing?
Hardison: We don't steal anything. We'd be tourists.
Parker: Not following you.
[later on]
Parker: So, I took your advice and did the whole touristy thing. Went to the museum, and it was amazing.
Hardison: You see?
Parker: Yeah. They have a Guardian T-840 Security System. I've only seen those things in books. And the motion detectors--ooh, gorgeous! Six digital receptors. Six!
Hardison: What about the paintings?
Parker: What about the paintings?

[Sterling walks into McRory's Bar and comes up behind Eliot]
Nate: Eliot, I'm gonna ask you not to do anything violent.
Eliot: What... what are you talking about? I only use violence as a, as a, as an appropriate response.
Sterling: Hello, Nate.
[Eliot stands up, spins around, clocks Sterling with a right hook to the jaw, and starts kicking his ass around the bar; Hardison bribes the bartender not to call the police, and Parker grins]
Tara: And this is...?
Nate: James Sterling. We used to work together. Insurance.
Tara: He seems to rub Eliot the wrong way.
Nate: You think?

Parker: Maggie's the most honest person we know, but besides that, she's okay.

Nate: Now we just need some proof.
Parker: It was an inside job. Average keypad hack time is one minute nine-point-three seconds, inner door access card takes at least thirty seconds for anybody but Hardison, and then the vault was an old Mark 2 Remington. In and out, average seven minutes forty seconds. But these thieves, they did it in five minutes twelve seconds. Maggie had the best access, so the real thieves only had to get her code and badge... yeah, only way they could pull it off that fast.
Sterling: long has she been sitting...

Parker: (to Maggie) It's your first time being a fugitive so I made you a bag.
Maggie: Thank you, Parker. (to Nate) It's not that I don't appreciate getting out of jail, I just can't live my life a fugitive!
Nate: But you're not a fugitive.
Parker: Passports, money, lockpicks...
Nate: You were released, not broken out.
Parker: Toothpaste, explosives. Do not mix these up.
Maggie: Thank you, Parker. But you released me to run. I'm not going anywhere until my name is cleared.
Nate: Right, right, and that's what I'm here to do! To get the egg back and clear your name!
Maggie: But you're clearing my name with thieves! No offense, Parker.
Parker: (confused) At what?

Tara: What we imagine is always so much better than the reality.
Eliot: Like love?

[at a party at the American embassy in Kiev]
Sterling: I pulled a lot of strings to get tickets for all of you.
Hardison: [over comms] All of you? Wait, no. Hardison, he's in the van, eating stale candy, while all of you get to dine on canapés and... and champagne. I love canapés.
Sterling: Terribly sorry about that. The company has to draw the line somewhere. I can assure you, it has nothing to do with our little incident last year.
Hardison: Oh, you mean the incident where I came within five feet of blowing your ass up? Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with that at all. Van smells like cabbage.

[Maggie and Nate share what they think will be their last kiss... and then Parker drops into their elevator car]
Parker: 'Scuse me. I just have to grab that bomb.

Maggie: You know, people underestimate you, Eliot.
Nate: That's kind of the point.

The Future Job [2.13]Edit

Tara: so what do we do now?
Parker: cut off his arms,and his head, I wanna kill him.Can we make that happen?
Eliot: I can... I mean,I could...

Nate: Or We could give him exactly what he wants... and then make the world think that he's the greatest psychic that ever lived, and then in front of the network and his audience, we destroy him.
Eliot: How do we do that?
Nate: We go and steal the future.

[while watching Tara hook their mark, who's just been zapped]
Eliot: You electrocuted him?
Nate: Yes, I did. It helps sell the bit.
Parker: I approve.
Nate: Thanks, Parker.
Eliot: No, her agreeing with you is not a good thing. That's—
Nate: Thanks.

Hardison: "He who sells miracles will have the Devil knocking at his door."
Parker: What is that, a proverb?
Hardison: Fortune cookie.
Parker: Wha...?[Parker looks at him in disbelief]
Hardison: What? It started with "He who."
. . .
[later, after the con is finished]
Parker: He who looks for hidden money shall find it. If he is also a thief.

The Three Strikes Job [2.14]Edit

[Nate shares his idea for the con]
Hardison: Baseball?
Nate: Yeah, we're gonna steal this ballpark. [pause] And then the team... Not necessarily in that order.

Nate: All right. Good news, bad news.
Tara: Good news?
Nate: The mayor's hooked. We're in the pinch.
Tara: Bad news?
Nate: I think we lost Eliot till the playoffs.

[last lines: after the team escapes the FBI, a familiar face appears]
Sterling: James Sterling. Interpol. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

The Maltese Falcon Job [2.15]Edit

[Sterling enters the room to check on the mayor and comes out in an instant]
Sterling: Name's Bob right?
Agent Bob: Yes sir.
Sterling: You've been here the whole time, Bob?
Agent Bob: Yes sir.
Sterling: And nobody's gone in or out of here, Bob?
Agent Bob: No, sir.
Sterling: Then would you mind explaining...WHERE THE HELL THE MAYOR IS!?!?
[Agent Bob gives him a dumbstruck look]

Parker: Don't worry. No one's ever died going in through an air duct.
Tara: That's...comforting.
Parker: Worst case, you slip and fall, break your legs, lay there for days scratching on the metal. It's like a long metal coffin. With wind.

[Parker is dangling Tara off the edge of the building.]
Tara: You're really strong.
Parker: Yeah. I hang from buildings by my fingertips.

Mayor Culpepper III: [On the phone with Kadjic] They killed my FBI handlers. They murdered them! And they cut them into pieces, and put them in a bathtub. Into a hotel bathtub!
Tony Kadjic: [To Nate] Is this true?
Nate: To be fair, [nods at Eliot] he did most of the cutting.
Eliot: Thank you, I appreciate it.
Nate: You work hard.

[last lines of the season]
Agent Bob: Who hell is this guy?
Sterling: I don't know.
Nate: My name's Nate Ford...and I am a thief.

Season 3Edit

The Jailhouse Job [3.1]Edit

Eliot: He don't wanna do it.
Parker: Aw. But I love jumping on elevators!
Hardison: I know.
Parker: This is my special elevator rig you got me for Christmas.

Nate: Guys, no. I committed a crime, I got caught, and now I am gonna serve my time.
Sophie: Nate, what kind of world would it be if everybody that committed a silly little crime went to prison, huh? Complete madness.

Billy Epping: You stabbed me!
Nate: Oh, come on. Just a little. It's fine.

[Eliot is strapping Nate into a chair.]
Nate: This is just to sell the con, right?
Eliot: Yeah, it's to sell the con. Nate, do you know what I did to the last guy who tried to run a con on his own team?
Nate: [nervously] Are we okay, Eliot?

Parker: I got it. The furnace room. There's no sensors because it's too hot. The crawl straight down along the heating pipes until they reach the sewage system. Ha ha.
Nate: No, Parker, its 150 degrees in there.
Parker: [slight pause] The average human can withstand that for twenty-seven seconds.

Sophie: Worth is on the hook. But with two fifty of ours as a buy-in.
Nate: Ouch.
Sophie: Oh, did I say ours? I meant what's left of your life's savings. Yeah. We took it out of your account.

Hardison: See, I like this. I like it when we pretend to kiss.
Parker: Pretend??
Hardison: [grins] Heeeeey.

Sophie: [pointing at drink] So how's that going for you?
Nate: Thanks for asking. Good, what I realized is that I tried being a drunk honest man, a sober thief. So I am going to try being a drunk thief. Try that for a little while.

The Reunion Job [3.2]Edit

Nate: What, are you lurking?
Eliot: Yeah. I'm a lurker. It's my thing.

Hardison: You know how I feel about mind games, Nate! Negatively! [turns to see Eliot grinning] What are you looking at, lurker?

Hardison: He is the CEO of Dubertech. Back in the 90s, he wrote the book on database security and I mean literally wrote "the book". (Holds up the book)

Parker: For a den of evil spies, this place smells delicious. Hardison, confiscate some pastries.

Eliot: Nobody else thinks it's weird that you can just buy anybody's yearbook online?
Hardison: You know, it's real cute, man, how you still believe in privacy.

[after Nate gives an example of a Roman Room]
Parker: Hey, Nate just gave us his passwords.
Hardison: No, but I got all his passwords. Wanna see his Netflix queue? He's got like every season of The Rockford Files, every season of Sex and the City, that show Psych...

Nate: Whoa , whoa, whoa, you locked me in a closet and now you're trying to kill my friend doucherman over here. I am starting not to like you.
Nikki: They only paid me to deliver one body, get out of my way.
Nate: Just wait 3 seconds.
Nikki: Why?
(Parker hits her with a tazer from behind)
Nate: That's why.

The Inside Job [3.3]Edit

Nate: Let's go steal a Parker.

Archie: So tell me Nate, what color is your hat these days? Black or white?

Sophie: Quiet and sneaky is fine if you're thinking like a thief. Thieves find entrances, but grifters? Uh-uh. We make them.

Nate: All right,guys, it's a party. But before we rescue Parker, we've gotta find out where she is.
Hardison: Nate, you do realize the entire building is looking for Parker? I mean the actual, physical building is looking for her. Look, any cameras that I piggyback, any sensors that I access, anything I do to find Parker, could lead the bad guys right to her.
Nate: All right, so what's your play?
Hardison: Wh-what's my play?? Nate, I'm hacking a security system that the Pentagon calls overkill with a laptop I found in the back of my car!

Parker: Laser trip wires. In a ventilation shaft?!

Parker: It's not an ASCII code, it's a shell code.
Eliot: That's great! You're Awesome! Let's go!

Parker: [as they run away] What's sexting?
Eliot: [exasperated] I am not having this conversation with you, Parker!

Archie: You know there are days I regret...
Parker: It's OK, I would not have fit in with a family.
Archie: Now you have gone out and made your own.

The Scheherazade Job [3.4]Edit

Nate: Let's go steal the man on the street... in Africa.

Hardison: I am the Super-Skrull. Okay? I have all y'all's skills. I hack, I grift, I thieve.
Eliot: Do you fight?
Hardison: I have a dog for that. Name's Megabite.

[Hardison is digitally altering a photo of their mark]
Eliot: That's nice. Make him—make him drunker. And then richer.
Hardison: What you want me to do, give the man a pet tiger?
Eliot: Can you do that?

Parker: This vault is a state of the art Glen Reader, it's unhackable, even for Hardison
Nate: So we have to get them to turn it off for us.

[After Nate reveals the part he needs Hardison to play in the con]
Hardison: You know what you've done? You asked me to play the violin in front of people!
Nate: Yes, well, you said you were good.
Hardison: As a child! That was ten years ago!
Nate: Oh, c'mon, c'mon Hardison. Listen, you know, told me you could do anything. You told me you were Super-Skull!
Hardison: Skrull. Skrull. Get it right. Super...Super...Super-Skrull. Who has the combined powers of the Fantastic Four. One of whom is not Itzhak Perlman!

Hardison: Hypnotism Nate? You do that to a mark, not your own team.
Nate: Actually it's exactly what you do to your team. You push whatever button you need, to get the job done.

The Double Blind Job [3.5]Edit

Nate: Since when do you question me?
Sophie: Since you went off the rails, and we had to pull you out of jail and ended up getting blackmailed, thank you very much.
Nate: Fair enough.

Fake FBI Guy: FBI, sir. That young lady's in our custody.
Hardison: Aw see, you made two mistakes, bro. First, you flashed that fake ass FBI badge at me. Second, [points at Eliot] you spilled his coffee.
[later, back at homebase]
Nate: Where's Eliot?
Hardison: Oh, he had to change his shirt. He got coffee on it. And some blood and some teeth.

Hardison: Little Jennifer Pearson's wearing you out, ain't she?
Eliot: Dude, we walked the Freedom Trail twice.
Hardison: Nice.
Eliot: No, man, the actual Freedom Trail. We took paddle boats to the public garden, shopped on Newbury Street, I went to something called the Boston Duck Tour.

Parker: So, I have to tell you something.
Hardison: Okay. [pause] Did--did you want to talk now?
Parker: Yeah, okay. So, the thing is, I think that maybe I might be having feelings. Like weird, weird feelings... f-for...[pauses, looks around] pretzels.
Hardison: Pretzels. Okay. Well, they're right here. When you want them.

The Studio Job [3.6]Edit

Parker: I am still unclear on where this "fiddle" is.
Nate: It just walked through the door.

Hardison: Now, I rigged my laptop to record your com. Now this means that I can alter your pitch from anywhere to make you sound like Darth Eliot...
Eliot: [voice like Darth Vader] I don't speak on command, Hardison.
Hardison: Spencer Smurf.
Eliot: [voice like Smurf] I don't speak on command, Hardison.
Eliot: Hardison.
Hardison: Don't ever do the Smurf thing again?
Eliot: Riiiight.

Kaye Lynn Gold: You ever been in love?
Eliot: Once.
Kaye Lynn: How'd it end?
Eliot: I made her a promise that if she ever need me, I would be there for her.
Kaye Lynn: What's wrong with that?
Eliot: 'Cause I made the same promise to the United States Government, and I found out you can't make that promise to more than one person.

Parker: I don't think I am being strange enough.
Nate: I doubt that.

Eliot: There's a price on my head in three different countries and I'm fairly certain a fatwa was issued!
Hardison: You are so vain man. Boom, there, fan site nuked, but when you get back, we gonna have us a serious conversation about the difference between caution and paranoia.
Eliot: When you've done the things I've done, there's no such thing as paranoia.

Eliot: Listen to me, man.Say "Pitchy" one more time. Say pitchy one more time and see what happens. I don't even think that word means what you think it means.
Hardison: It means pitchy.
Eliot: Define it.
Hardison: You define it.
Eliot: I don't have to define it! I'm not saying it every five seconds!

Sophie: Sometimes you--you--you don't get a second chance to get it right.
Parker: Why not?
Sophie: Rules of life.
Nate: But that's exactly what we do. We change the rules.

Kaye Lynn: You can come with me, you know. You're a natural-born country star if I've ever seen one. Maybe the next Johnny and June?
Eliot: Some roads, you start going down, well, you can't turn back, and... I'm about a hundred miles down one of those right now.

The Gone Fishin' Job [3.7]Edit

Hardison: First rule of crime. Follow the money.

Hardison: What's that smell?
Eliot: Fresh air.
Hardison: I don't like it.

Hardison: Do I look like someone who eats at a bait shop?

Sophie: Nate, our cover's blown. The Revolution's starting early.

[Hardison and Eliot are handcuffed together and are being hunted]
Hardison: We wouldn't even be in this mess if you didn't want to go fishing! I coulda taken you down to Mama Pearl's Fish Shack and got you a catfish, two pieces, and a biscuit for $5.99! But instead you got us out here with trigger happy Joe's trying to fish us! And he's all too happy to shoot himself a negro!
Eliot: Oh so this is a black thing now? Is that it? There's hunting me too!
Hardison: You're damn Skippy it's a black thing!

Nate: You're going to go toe to toe with these guys without a plan?
Hardison: Oh we have a plan, it's called C.W.A.
Eliot: Can of Whoop Ass.

Eliot: You feeling confident?
Hardison: No-o-ot really.
Eliot: Good, cause overconfidence can kill you faster than a bullet any day. Fear's good.
Hardison: Oh I have fear. And doubt. And really serious regrets, I should be fine.

Nate: Next time I steal you a train, get on it.
Hardison: You're not bringing me down, I made a bomb out of a menthol.

Eliot: That's the difference between a real soldier and this little Halloween outfit you got going on. You'd kill to protect your rights. A real soldier, he'd die to protect somebody else's.

[after racing to catch up to their mark]
Parker: Who knew a sedan could hit 140?
Sophie: Parker, you are never to get behind the wheel of a car again. Okay? Never.

The Boost Job [3.8]Edit

Nate: That was hotter than Mr Toad's wild ride.

Penzer: You want to buy Veronica here?
Nate: Veronica? I thought Betty was the fast one. Who knew.

Hardison: You didn't get that man. "This chick is toast". That's Ghostbusters.
Eliot: Man, I don't listen to you.

Hardison: Exactly how is this gonna get us Lefty's attention?
Parker: Well, car thieves are territorial, alright. You bring a car like this to a local chop-shop, every boost in town knows there's a new player. Also, this is Lefty's car.

Parker: We have to convince them that they need us. It's not gonna be easy, and they might shoot you a little.

Sophie: Do you know why driving this car is like making love to a beautiful woman?

Customer: Because I have never done either?

Eliot: I got hit by a car!

Parker: (mocking) "I got hit by a car" ... Get over it!

Hardison: Wait! Hold up. You told her?
Eliot: I should have known. You're a menace, Parker.
Parker: What? She deserved a chance.
Hardison: Nate is going to kill you.
Eliot: I'm going to kill you.
Parker: Oh, stop whining!
Eliot: I got hit by a car!
Parker: [mocking] "I got hit by a car" ... Get over it!
Eliot: I'm gonna kill her, man. I'm gonna kill her.
Hardison: Hey! Hey! Nobody's gonna kill anybody. Seriously though, Nate is going to kill you.
Josie: Wait, wait, wait, who are you people?

Eliot: Damn it, Parker where'd you learn to drive?
Parker: Before I stole cars I was a getaway driver.
Hardison: Before? You started stealing cars when you were twelve.
Young Parker: [flashback] Get out of the way you old bat!
Parker: Get out of the way you old bat!

The Three Card Monte Job [3.9]Edit

Eliot: [after Parker tossed a crowbar at him] You don't throw crowbars at people!
Parker: Sorry! [mimicked whining] "You don't throw crowbars at people." Could have just tasered him.

Sophie: They're gonna kill Hardison.
Hardison: They're gonna kill who? No they ain't! I bet you they ain't! Nate, you gotta stall!

Hardison: You better say something, I swear on my momma I will blow a hole through your bedroom and Spider-man out the side of this building. You better tell somethin'!

Hardison: [to the Russian mobsters he's just locked in a cage] Age of the geek baby, stay strong.

Nate: Fine dad, let's end it right here (cocks gun).
Jimmy: You can't do it, you are your mother's son.
Nate: Sigh... Go.

Jimmy: You're more ruthless than me, crueler than me. Yeah...Maybe you are better than me. Huh? I'm proud of you son.
Nate: Enjoy your retirement.

The Underground Job [3.10]Edit

Sophie: The Skagway Shuffle.
Nate: Yeah. That's what I was thinking.
Hardison: See, now y'all are just making stuff up.
Sophie: It's like the Fiddle Game.
Nate: Yeah, only underground.
Parker: Is Eliot going to be the fiddle again?
Nate: No.
Sophie: No.
Parker: Can I be the fiddle?
Nate: No.
Sophie: No.

Sophie: [Explaining to Parker how to grift] Find the right combination and you can unlock the marks trust. And then you can steal her...
Parker: Soul.
Sophie: I was gonna say confidence.

Sophie: What are we going to do Nate?
Nate: We are going to convince him that you are a lying greedy bitch.

Eliot: That will give us enough time to find the bomb.
Hardison: Oh yea, plenty of time. Meanwhile I will be here, in the van, as far away from the mine as possible, my dude, go with god.

Sophie: Tell me everything you know about her.
Parker: Okay, I've got some really goodstuff. Okay, she likes sugar in her coffee. Like lots of sugar. And she hides tasty treats in her desk. She's got a sweet tooth, maybe we could use that.
Sophie: Probably not, what else?
Parker: Uh, she never takes calls from her mother. No... Oh, oh, she mixes her blue pens with her black pens. In the same cup. Like mixes them together!
Sophie: Yeah, Parker. I'm looking for something that someone might find weird. Someone normal... Yeah, someone normal might find weird.

Eliot: I think I found the bomb.
Hardison: What does it look like? Red wires, blue wires?
Eliot: (clicks button on bomb) BOOOOOM!
Hardison: (jumps) You're not funny man.

Hardison: Micro detonator, surround sound, dust spray, modified oxygen meter, and... what? What? Yes, I do spend my weekends making these things. Man, w-we're coming to a mine. It's not rocket science.
Nate: [referring to Eliot's outfit] I like it. It gives him a whole Village People, ah, construction-dude thing.
Hardison: Thank you.

Parker: I nailed it, I'm a grifter. I grift.
Nate: You do know you don't get to keep the money.
Parker: Don't ruin it.

Hardison: What are you doing?
Parker: [laying down for a nap] Stealing souls is exhausting.

The Rashomon Job [3.11]Edit

Sophie: When I started telling them about one of my finest jobs ever...
Eliot: But I know she's lying.
Hardison: She's a grifter. It's her job.
Parker: Wait, I'm confused. Now, she's lying about lying?

Eliot: [on the phone] Why are you sending second rate thugs to try and kill me?
Thug: Hmmmm? [looks offended]
Eliot: If I'm not honest with you, you can't improve.
Thug: [nods, grunts in agreement.]

Eliot: [after letting himself into a guy's car] Don't talk, don't talk. I know it's your first instinct to talk, but don't.Your best course of action is to nod.
[Guy nods]
Eliot: Nod. Good. I'm gonna need a couple of things from you. I need your glasses, I need your clothes, and I need your little invite to this party. This can go two ways--you can give them to me, and I can stuff you in the trunk of this car, which, by the way, looks pretty comfortable. Not a bad night. Or, you can not give them to me... and I can do exactly what you'd expect a crazy guy in your back seat to do to you. [The doctor hands over his keys] That's the right choice.

[Eliot's telling his version of the story]
Sophie: Blimey governor, that there's loaded with sea roaches. That's British for shrimp, we have different word for a lot of things. It's a bit stupid int'it?
Sophie: Oh My God! Wait, what's that voice?
Eliot: It's your accent.
Sophie: That's what I sound like to you?
Sophie: You really can't tell? Americans! All accents sound the same. Please go on, I sound like one of the dwarves in Lord of the Rings, but continue.

Sophie: It was en route. That's like stealing my mail.
Parker: What, is stealing mail a crime?
Sophie: (glares)
Parker: Oops.

Eliot: I smell peppermint. Do you smell peppermint?
Hardison(Minister Bioko): Are you sure?
Eliot: It has a very distinctive smell.

Eliot: I am going to sharpen this knife and then walk around the halls in the dark... Don't leave.

Sophie: [after Eliot, Hardison and Parker butcher her accent in their stories] I hate you all.

Hardison: So we did all that work for nothing?
Nate: Not for nothing, you know you guys sometimes it's easy to forget why you stopped working alone and became a team.

Eliot: You took out "Gutman?"
Nate: You're welcome.

The King George Job [3.12]Edit

Sophie: (to Nate) Oh, I'm sorry. Are you the only one that's allowed to brood down here, or is it an open bar?

Nate: Okay, let's go steal a royal title.

Nate: Do you want to go to London?
Sophie: Let's go steal an auction.

Sophie: I love Claridge's Auction House. Even the air feels more expensive.

Hardison: Apparently their computer system is also an antique... possibly steam powered, which would be cool.

Nate: It's just a title nobody holds.
Parker: And does it come with a castle?
Sophie: Sometimes, yeah.

Parker: [In the vault, looking at pieces of art] Oh, hello. The last time I saw you was at the Louvre. Well actually you were in the back seat of my car, but before that you were at the Louvre.

Nate: Good guess.
Sophie: It's not really a guess when it's that good, is it?
Nate: The name of this con is called "The Mummy's Tiara."
Hardison: Come on, man, that can't be real.
Parker: Am I gonna have to steal a corpse again?

Hardison: I'm sorry, does that say goat marrow?

Auntie: One has to love fiercely to die of a broken heart, don't you agree Charlotte?

Nate: I'm about to revisit the topic of Sophie being over-invested.

Eliot: I got your turpentine, got your, uh, wanlerol, by the way, which I purchased from a very stunning vegan chick, so thank you for that, a bucket of's everywhere.
Hardison: Ah hah, thanks, E. Way to get your hands dirty.
Eliot: (picks up a rag and starts to clean his hands) Thank you.
Hardison: Hey, put that down man, that's my paper.
Eliot: It's a rag.
Hardison: No, that's what printers used to make paper back in the 1700's, use a moist towelette, please and thank you.
Eliot: What's that smell?
Hardison: ...You don't wanna know how they wet the paper back in the day.
Eliot: (grabbing lots of moist towelettes) Did you--
Hardison: Do not ask me, man.
Eliot: Dammit, Hardison!
Hardison: Why you so sensitive? You touch worse.
Eliot: (storming for the door angrily) I'm goin' out for baba ganoush!

Parker: (enters with Eliot) Uh...I don't know how soon we're doing this auction scam, but are you planning on printing out the entire diary page by page?
Eliot: You better hope that she's got a short and boring life, my man.
Hardison: You know what I've achieved here? Do you? I made ink from boysenberries, okay, I-I-I've tanned hide for the covers.
Eliot: (to Parker) Forgot to tell you, don't go in the jacuzzi, it's not safe.
Hardison: I made glue for the binding from animal parts I do not care to discuss...I made content for the filler pages using an algorithm from digitized colonial era novels and's, it's Shakespeare in the house, people, Shakespeare.
Parker: Yeah, it sounds like a lot of work.
Hardison: It is. In a single day I've gone from apprentice to journeyman to master.
Parker: Okay... well, I-yeah, so, I'm gonna go...steal some stuff.
Hardison: Okay, but come back, cuz I've fused computer technology with-with-with this stuff.
Eliot: Alright man, well, you let us know how that goes.
Hardison: I've hacked history! I've hacked history, people!

Nate: Did you take care of the auctioneer?
Parker: Yeah. Sophie told me to find out his deepest wish and give it to him, but I thought that would take way too long so...
Parker, in flashback: [to the auctioneer] Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? [presses the rag in his face until he goes unconscious]
Nate: (stares)
Parker: What? He's going to wake up in like 3 hours.

Nate: Let's go steal a federal witness.

The Morning After Job [3.13]Edit

Sophie: You watch hockey fights, alone, at night, in your room?
Eliot: Yeah. You never know if you're gonna have to fight a guy on ice.

Parker: Don't stab, don't stab, don't stab.

Eliot: All right Nate, the guy in the bed with the dead hooker con is up and running.
Hardison: Hey, man, it's called the Vegas wake-up call.
Eliot: No it's not, all right? The Vegas wake-up call, the boyfriend shows up.
Hardison: No he doesn't!

Sophie: So. It's the lawyer, the prosecutor, the deal, and the dead girl in the bed. It's the Cuban sandwich.

Parker: [after she tasers the mark] I am really starting to enjoy tasing people... Is that a problem?

The Ho Ho Ho Job [3.14]Edit

Parker: [after a weather report has predicted no snow for Christmas] Well, I want flurries. Make it happen.

Parker: Okay, bad enough it's Christmas and there's no snow on the ground, but this is Santa we're talking about, okay? We can't turn away Santa!
Nate: You know that's not really Santa, right?
Parker: Obviously. Santa lives at the North Pole.

[Eliot is working as a mall Santa]
Annoying Kid: I want a Rubbery Robby!
Eliot: You're gonna get a Sammy spanking, you don't get off my lap.

Parker: You're Santa, respect the suit!

Nate: The plan is... to figure out the plan in the car.

Santa: You are high on the holiday spirit.
Dooley: Yes I am! And pills mixed with morphine. I can't believe you let me drive here.

[Hardison is in disguise with other FBI agents and they just caught Cha0s]
Cha0s: You hafta admit, it was a good plan.
Hardison: Yeah. There's one thing you didn't count on...
Cha0s: [as he's being carted off by agents] Ohh no...
Hardison: You forgot...
Cha0s: No...
Hardison: About the true meaning...
Cha0s: No, don't you say it!!
Hardison: ...of Christmas.
Cha0s: My god, that barely applies here!!
Hardison: [smiles] Ho ho ho.

Eliot: You bought us gifts?
Sophie: Oh, I wouldn't say that, exactly. We, ah, obtained.

The Big Bang Job [3.15]Edit

Parker: Does it blow up?
Hardison: Not everything blows up, Parker.
Parker: Everything blows up, silly.

Nate: Let's go steal the Department of Defense.
Parker: Isn't that treason?
Nate: We'll give it back.

Hardison: Tell them what you did, Eliot. You risked my life.
Eliot: We're in. Moreau's gonna give me the details of the auction tomorrow.
Sophie: You? Why is he giving you the details?
Eliot: I said we're in! Just make the plan.
Hardison: Hey. Eliot worked with Moreau back in the day. A lot. [to Eliot] Tell.
Nate: We've been chasing Moreau for six months and you didn't tell us?
Eliot: Because I was trying to--
Nate: Because what?
Eliot: --figure a way around this without--
Nate: So, what, you're protecting him, or--
Eliot: I'm protecting you! Okay? Last time I checked, that's my job.

Eliot: Every one of Moreau's men has innocent blood on their hands. Every one of them. Every one of them are worse than me. You think you know what I've done, Nate? The worst thing I ever did in my entire life, I did for Damien Moreau. And I...I'll never be clean of that.
Parker: What did you do?
Eliot: Don't ask me that, Parker. Because if you ask me, I'm gonna tell you. So please, don't ask me.
Sophie: Look, we all have a past, you don't have to tell us anything, Eliot--but I think we've learned, we've got to be straight with one another.

Hardison: [about the corpse they are using to fake Atherton's death] You said 'white male John Doe,' I got you a white male John Doe. This ain't the Gap!

Parker: Who taught you how to drive?
Sophie: Taxi driver in Istanbul.
Parker: [grins] I like it.

Hardison: We got to get on that freight car.
Parker: I have an idea.
Sophie: Am I gonna hate it?
Parker: No, but he is.
Parker: You got an idea?
Hardison: Yeah.
Parker: Am I gonna hate it?
Hardison: No, but I am.

[Hardison is disarming the EMP Bomb]

Parker: What are you doing?
Hardison: This battery is one of a kind. Now if I do this right I'll overload the batteries, they explode and this thing will be worthless.
Parker: And if you do it wrong?
Hardison: Uh...the bomb triggers a giant EMP pulse, Washington D.C. is fried, thousands will die, and we go down as the biggest terrorist in American history, but we'll be dead too so it's not really our problem.
Parker: There's that.
Hardison: There is that.

Chapman: [holding a gun on Eliot] You said you didn't like guns.
Eliot: I don't. [quick-draws and shoots him three times] Never said I couldn't use 'em.

[Parker and Hardison are hanging onto a train after causing a minor explosion]
Parker: [excitedly] You know what I'm in the mood for?
Hardison: What?
Parker: Pretzels.
[She grins and hurries off, leaving Hardison looking wondering, before he also grins]

Moreau: None of that is true.
Nate: Ah, who cares? True, schmoo!

Moreau: Who are you!?
Nate: You know how it feels like you've been poked by a stick, you know, over these last six months or so? I'm that stick.

The San Lorenzo Job [3.16]Edit

Nate: Now, we've been in this situation before, I pushed you into it.
Parker: You were drunk. Suuuuper drunk.
Nate: Thanks, Parker. I remember that.

Nate: Let's go steal a country.

Sophie: Nate, I have to say, of all the deceitful, unprincipled, corrupt things I've done in my entire life, nothing's as bad as-
Nate: Politics?
Sophie: I can't even say it.

Sophie: Nate, if stealing a country was easy, everyone would do it.

Vittori: I think I hate you.
Nate: You know, I'm okay with that.

Hardison: I am going to be so glad when this election's over.
Nate: Well don't be. The only reason we're alive is that Moreau doesn't want to taint the election. He's gonna kill us, yeah, the second the polls close.

Damien: I have the media. I have the guns. I have the— the government.
Nate: You know what I have? I have a 24 year old genius with a smartphone and a problem with authority. You really never stood a chance.

Sophie: Don't cry for me, San Lorenzo.
Nate: You are utterly unclear on how to be dead. This is the second time in two years you've shown up at your own funeral.

Nate: Yeah, you have every right to be proud.
Sophie: I am. I'm proud. You know, we didn't just con someone, we built something.
Nate: Well, we did subvert democracy.
Sophie: Ugh. Eggs, omelet.

Season 4Edit

The Long Way Down Job [4.1]Edit

[Hardison hugs Eliot a little too long]
Eliot: Let go!
Hardison: I'm just so damn cold!
Eliot: I don't care, man!
Hardison: Please, set me on fire, do something! Cause I'm all shivering and I think one of my nipples fell off.
Eliot: Don't tell me stuff like that!
Parker: Tell him what?
Hardison: Nothing. Hey girl. [He moves to hug her but is denied]
Nate: Okay, Parker, listen, you can climb a mountain, right?
Parker: I climb skyscrapers. You can walk up a mountain.
Eliot: It's not the same. Are there avalanches on skyscrapers?
Parker: No. But that would be so cool.

Sophie: Just how dangerous is this gig you took without checking with us first?

Nate: Yeah, eh...
Hardison: Ridiculously dangerous! It's like a danger cupcake with murder icing.

Sophie: Nate, I'm at a party full of drunk millionaires far from home who are dizzy from lack of oxygen. It's like grifter Christmas in here.

Nate: Let's go steal a mountain.
Parker: Again.
Nate: What?
Parker: Again. We already stole a mountain, two years ago.
Nate: We did?
Eliot: Well, technically it was a resort, not a mountain, but yeah.
Hardison: You were also very drunk on that one.

Nate: You're emotionally involved. It leads to bad decisions.
Hardison: I'm sorry, did you just say that? With a straight face?
Nate: Not helpful. Not helpful at all.

Karen: What happens then?

Nate: Well, eventually you-you run into something that your anger can't beat.

Karen: Like a mountain?

Nate: You realize that your...your luck has run out. And it's a long way down.

Sophie: I'm running out of cons here.

Eliot: Hey. It's a good thing it was us.

Parker: Because we'd leave him.

Eliot: Because they would've kept trying and they would've froze to death right next to him. Especially Hardison. So it was a good thing it was us. The two of us—we do things they can't...won't.

Parker: Does that make us bad?
Eliot: It makes Now, you can take that as a gift...or you can take it as a curse. And that's up to you.

Nate: Now let me get this straight. When I said—when I said "simple stall," you heard..."multi-national, high-finance feeding frenzy," right?

Sophie: Tomahto, tomato.

The 10 Li'l Grifters Job [4.2]Edit

Nate: Okay, okay, it's not what it looks like.
Hammett: Looks like Morris Beck's been murdered. You're left holding the bag for it.
Nate: Maybe it is what it looks like.

Parker: I've never been to a costume party.
Sophie: Now that is just heartbreaking.

Beck: Only two kinds in the world, only two: cattle, and the people who like really good steak.

Nate: Hardison, what's the rule?
Hardison: Don't bring up a problem unless you got a fix.

Hardison: Wait, wait, what the hell's going on down there? Nate killed somebody.
Eliot: No, Nate didn't kill somebody. You didn't, did you?
Nate: Of course not.
Parker: You'd tell us, though, wouldn't you?
Nate: Yes, Parker, I would tell you if I'd murdered the mark.
Parker: Umm.

Hardison: Damn blackout, prehistoric wiring, mobsters, Nate's killing folks. I did not sign up for this.
Parker: Nate didn't kill anyone. He said.

Sophie: All right, it's your bar. Think. It's what you do.
Nate: Yeah, thanks, yeah.
Sophie: But while you're thinking, think about this. Are you climbing into that bottle because of what you think we see when we look at you, or because of what you see in the mirror?

The 15 Minutes Job [4.3]Edit

Eliot: Stop-stop with the Star Trek stuff again!

Hardison: "Wars"! Damn it, it's Star Wars! And-and that CGI Yoda they used in the prequels, it was an insult to the puppet. They-you know-you know what, man? It's not even worth discussing.

Eliot: You're the only one discussing.

Parker: I kinda like CGI Yoda.

Hardison: Eek!
Hardison: Parker, I'm not going to be able to unhear that CGI Yoda thing. Cut me deep, woman, that cut me deep.

Hardison: Rockwell's brilliant, he's ruthless. Stone-cold solid. It's a shame we got to take the man down. I'd almost consider making him a part of the team.

Nate: Yeah, uh, Rockwell has his boot on my friend's throat, Hardison.

Hardison: I said, "almost."

Nate: I mean, what we're really asking here is how would I destroy myself.

Parker: Yeah, and you can't say "booze."

Hardison: Really? The slow clap?

Eliot: Yeah, yeah, man. I got 'em all the time in high school. You didn't get one of those in high school?

Parker: [on grifting the mark] I think I'm getting better at this.

Hardison: I'm cloning Rockwell's cell phone right now. Good work, girl.

Parker: I didn't even stab him!

Hardison: Yeah-we-you-you-we are so proud of you. Uh, no stabbing Wednesdays. New tradition.

Sophie: Consciously or not, I think you look at Reed Rockwell and see everything you hate about Nathan--
Nate: Any way I can get you not to finish that thought?

Parker: I bet you're beginning to like that CGI Yoda just a little bit.
Hardison: Yeah, when he gives back the childhood he stole from me. Why don't you just ask me to join the dark side?

Sophie: You know, for a while there you were an honest man. And then for a while you were a thief.

Nate: Yeah, well maybe I'm both.

Sophie: You can't be both. I'm just not sure at this point which one I want to win.

The Van Gogh Job [4.4]Edit

Eliot: Where are you at?
Hardison: I'm in a damn storage closet. Smells like mothballs and old people.

Nate: No, not--not a toy.
Eliot: What? He's tellin' me to learn technical stuff all the time!
Nate: Well, that'll never happen.

Sophie: Hello, little hidden key to a safety deposit box.

Parker Take care of yourself Charlie.
Charlie: That's one thing I've always done...There's one thing I want to tell you. [He glances from Parker to Hardison then back] Don't waste time.

The Hot Potato Job [4.5]Edit

Nate: Wow, an open source potato.

Nate: You know that I don't want a relationship. I
Sophie: Of course you don't. The work's the most important thing. I mean, the team's perfect the way it is, why change.
Nate: Exactly what I was gonna say.
Sophie: Yeah, we're both adults, we enjoy each other's company and we don't have to turn this into a big thing. We're friends with...extras.

Eliot: She gotcha man, you got a little blood right there.
Hardison: Yeah, she got a right hook like a freight train.
Eliot: She put her hips into it?
Hardison: I'm pretty sure she did.
Eliot: That's my girl!
Hardison: Stop. Don't teach people how to do that!

Eliot: What's that voice? Is she doin' me?

Nate: Burn room?
Hardison: It's usually a vault within a vault. The walls are lined with thermite. All he has to do is press a button and flame on. All his dirty secrets burn away.
Parker: Everything burns? I want one.

Hardison: [after stealing an ID] And what? Say something now.
Eliot: [sarcastically] Yeah, one good lift in three years. Awesome!

Parker: So, we have to fool the security system to get the banana?
Nate: Potato.
Parker: Whatever.

Nate: On the other hand, sometimes old school really is the best kind of security, I mean...
Hardison: [whispers to Trevor] No it's not.
Nate: What.
Hardison: I'm listening. [whispers to Trevor] He's old.

Parker: So the diamond is in the potato?
Hardison: Par...There is no diamond. Verd Agra. Super tuber. Haven't you been listening?
Parker: Not really.

The Carnival Job [4.6]Edit

Eliot: I thought we were supposed to hate the guys that we take down.

Nate: Not a requirement-a perk... usually.

John Connell: Is that my dirt? He just took my dirt. Put that back!

Hardison: But it's not-it's not what you think, at all. It's an ASCD, an Automated Safe Cracking Device.

Parker: I'm a safe-cracking device. [Stomps out]
Nate: [walking into the frame and looking at Hardison] I told you not to call it Parker.

Hardison: [Instructing Eliot with chemicals] Now mix and run like hell.
Eliot: [sets off a minor explosion with thick smoke] Dammit Hardison! A little warning next time!
Hardison: What you think "run like hell" meant?

Hardison: I didn't make her to replace you. I would never want to replace you. I-she's-she's for you.
Parker: I love it, I'm gonna call it Hardy.

The Grave Danger Job [4.7]Edit

Nate: Darlene Wickett and her sons are embezzling money from the dying and grieving. It's the oldest grift in the book.

Sophie: And the cruelest. Even I never ran that one - it's tacky.

Parker: Okay, she's a horrible human being, but she's got solid taste in home security.

Parker: Never plan a heist in a building with so many windows.

Parker: [Hardison is currently buried and struggling] Sophie he's losing it. He needs you.
Sophie: Parker listen to me, you have spent a disproportionate amount of your life in air ducts. You more than anyone know how control your breathing. He doesn't need me. He needs you.

Hardison: Put me in a coffin. Here it comes to you. Got something for you. Boom. Evidence. Get it, get it, get it, get it.

Nate: Is that really necessary?

Hardison: The man put me in a coffin, Nate. A damn coffin.

Nate: That's true.

The Boiler Room Job [4.8]Edit

Eliot: Where's-are we waiting on Parker?

Hardison: Oh, man she's at that damned chocolate festival. It's like sending a crack addict to a cocaine convention. Girl texted me about an hour ago, misspelled every damned word. Look, "yu gedde yesh dis stuf." Probably got chocolate all over the buttons.

Parker: [over the comms] Hi, Hardison!

Hardison: Um... hello?

Parker: Nate won't tell me what the name of the job is.

Nate: Parker, not now. Please?
Parker: Yeah, but what are we stealing? Is it "let's go steal a mountain" or a potato or a funeral or a panda or...
Hardison: I told y'all not to let her go to that festival unsupervised.

[Sophie has just wowed the team-and the mark-with her performance as The Chocolate Whisperer]
Hardison: [disbelieving] Just one piece of chocolate?
Nate: That's my girl.
Hardison: She's scary

Mrs. Cox: That Sophie woman, I don't think her crackers are quite toasted. She wants me to moonwalk with a bear.
Nate: No, no, see, we are doing a version of the moon-walking bear...I.B... Intentional Blindness. See...Basically what it is is if a person is, ah, so focus on something that-you know, that they-they don't-that they can't see the obvious thing right in front of them like a-like a moon-walking bear.
Mrs. Cox: But what if the bear eats me?

FBI Agent: Greg Sherman? aka....what is it again?
[The civilians start yelling out random fish.]
Sophie: Gefilte Fish.

The Cross My Heart Job [4.9]Edit

[The team has just returned from a con]
Sophie: Well, that trip was a complete disaster.
Hardison: It was a trainwreck.
Eliot: No, it was a shipwreck, and you know how I know that? Because I was in the wreck!
Hardison: Hey man, I don't wanna hear you complaining. At least you don't have to fix the-the you know how long it takes-
Eliot: Listen, don't tell me about the earbuds. I had to fight three ex-Brazilian combat divers with spearguns, underwater!
Hardison: Don't want to hear it.
Eliot: Can you believe this?
Sophie: Ow! Don't touch me, I'm sunburnt everywhere. I hate playing the French heiress on the topless beach.
Parker: Oh, I don't know what you're complaining about. I didn't even get to see the emerald.
Hardison: Are you for real?
Sophie: Seriously?
Eliot: Oh my god, for the last time, it's not an emerald. All right? It's an island. It's "The Emerald of the Caribbean."

[The team is discussing what to do after someone steals a donor heart being transported by their new client]
Parker: Can't we just get another heart?
Eliot: [looking annoyed] From who?

Eliot: You carry high heels in your purse?
Sophie: I always travel with heels.

[heard in the background of the scene opening pan over shot]
Parker (to the little girl they just rescued): We'll get you a little taser, carry it with you wherever you go-

Eliot: Don't suppose you travel with handcuffs?
Sophie: No, not on this trip.

Sophie: Hey, you all right with this one?
Nate: What?
Sophie: Well, you said it yourself—a kid's life is at stake. You don't think this might get too personal?
Nate: Does it matter?

Hardison: Look, man, this is like stone knives and bearskins, okay? Nobody's asking Eliot to fight a guy with a Nerf sword.
Eliot: Damascus, 2002.
Hardison: Like you've been to Damascus.

Hardison: What, come on, man, like you've never seen a man travel with a desktop before?

Nate: [on how they're going to steal an airline employee badge] We're gonna twist Sophie's ankle.
Parker: [asking how to get another badge] How do we get do that? Break Eliot's wrist?
Hardison: What? No-no, we just pick one up from where the ground crew left it.
Sophie: [discussing the final step-getting into the airline tower] Well, we have to lure them out...
Parker: Oh! Okay, set Nate on fire?
Eliot: [looking annoyed] Settle down!

Parker: [sarcastically, after opening the combination lock on a locker] Yeah, this will keep my stuff safe, pff, from a 6-year-old with DTs.
[opens the locker, takes out a jacket and removes the badge while Eliot smashes a lock open with the palm of his hand, removes a second badge from the locker]

Hardison: It's a girl's badge-
Eliot: Man up!

Hardison: You know what. shame on you ,shame on your mama, shame on your kids
Security Guard: That's OK It looks like you used to-used to be a very pretty girl.
Hardison: Used to be?
Security Guard: And now you're a very handsome gentleman.
Hardison: Are you hitting on me?

Hardison: You better readjust your peripherals!

Hardison: [after faking his way into the flight tower] I don't care what anybody else says, next time I'm taking the train.

Nate: I know what you're gonna say.
Sophie: I think you should have a drink.
Nate: Okay, I didn't know what you were gonna say.

Nate (over the radio): Hardison, uh, we need a tornado.
Hardison: A-a-a what?

Chesney: God helps those who help themselves.
Nate: And I help those who can't.

Hardison: [to himself] It's just landing a plane with 300 people, it's whatever. Why didn't I play more flight simulators?

Chesney: Well, Mr. Ford, it seems you've killed me after all.
Nate: Oh, I didn't kill you. God killed you. I just...made sure it took.

The Queen's Gambit Job [4.10]Edit

Nate: You still haven't told me what's in it for me.
Sterling: I will owe you a favor. How often does that happen?

Nate: [over comms] Eliot, try not to kill Sterling, we may need him.
Eliot: [looks indignant] I can't promise that!
Sterling: [glances at Eliot] What was that?

Hardison: Parker, that...that sounded a lot like ball bearings rolling across the floor.
Parker: Uh huh.
Hardison: Was that because there were ball bearings rolling across the floor?
Parker: Uh huh.

Sophie: So, what, the salt was plan B?
Nate: No, no, that's, ah, that's plan M.
Hardison: Don't I die in plan M?
Nate: Yeah, usually.
Hardison: What you mean, usually? How many plans do I die in?
Nate: C, F, and M through Q.
Hardison: C, that's a little close to home, man. You need to switch that up. How many plans does Eliot die in?
Nate: None. And [pointing to Parker] none. And [pointing to Sophie]...nnehh. So there is a plan where he [Eliot] comes out of it with a scar from the temple through the eye all the way down to his mouth-
Parker: Ooh! You'd look so cool with a scar!
Sophie: Wait, wait, wait, go back, hold on, let's-let's rewind--you skipped past me! You skipped past me.
Nate: Well, I have one, there is a plan, but it's evolving.
Sophie: Okay, that's creepy. Don't you think that's creepy? He's planning my death.

The Experimental Job [4.11]Edit

Nate: [to Hardison] You want to skip the "Behold my genius" part and get to what you found?

Eliot: What do you want to know? Names? Dates? Locations? What food was on their breath? Their eyes? You want to know what color their eyes were? Want to know the last words they spoke? Want to know which ones deserved it? Or better yet, the ones that didn’t? Want to know which ones begged? Want to know why I know these things?…Because I can’t forget. So there’s nothing you can do, no punishment you can hand out that I live with every day. So to answer your question, no, I never counted. I don’t need to.

Parker: So, remember last night when you were playing with your pretend friends?
Hardison: They're not pretend, they're just not in the same room as me.
Parker: They're an elf, a dwarf, and a thing with a tail. I'm pretty sure they're pretend. Remember when you took the thingy with the glowing thingy and used it to kill the guy who was on the shiny stuff and also there was all this magic?
Hardison: (smiles) I think so
Parker: That was so cool. I mean how many people here are cool enough to kill the guy with the thing?
Hardison: You're right that was pretty cool.
Parker: Yeah (kisses his cheek and walks away)
Sophie (over comms): That actually worked?
Hardison:No but the fact that she thought it would work, that worked.

Parker: Should I tell him it's the age of the geek?
Hardison: He'll figure it out eventually.

Elliot: Now, I got four minutes to prove your theory wrong.
CIA Man: What theory?!
Elliot: That torture doesn't work.

[Parker brings Hardison a paper she has written for him while he pretends to go to college]

Hardison: Oh, I kind of dropped this class.
Parker: You dropped it before or after you asked me to write a ten-page paper on cross stitching in America?

The Office Job [4.12]Edit

Sophie: Oh, it is on.

Gunther: Would you describe yourself as having any kind of life outside of work?
Nate: Uh, excuse me?
Gunther: Do you have any outside interests? Do you do ever do anything but than this?
Nate: Of course I do. I... Why does this even matter? This is so...
Gunther: Well, your coworker suggested I ask.
Nate: She did. You know what you should ask her?

Sophie: [spluttering] I'm--could--could you repeat--

Nate: "Career," heh.

Sophie: No, I wouldn't say that my acting career fizzled, I just...I just put it on hold to pursue other things.
Gunther: But he implied it might have something to do with ageism.

Nate: Functioning alcoholic! Functioning! She always leaves that part out. And speaking of leaving...

Sophie: No, I didn't abandon them to gad about, I just...I faked my own death and went on a voyage of self-discovery.

Nate: [laughs] God complex...What does that even mean?

Sophie: Shrew? Shrew?! Shrew?!

Nate: Now that, that right there, that's a lie. I love foreplay.

Hardison: [after repeatedly denying he stole Eliot's sandwich] Huhuh...huhuh! I ate the damn sammich! I ate the damn sammich fo'sho! Boy can cook. He can throw down. If he weren't gonna beat my ass, I'd go thank him!
Eliot: Nobody throws Hardison off a roof... except maybe me... no. (considers)

The Girls Night Out Job [4.13]Edit

Eliot: .. Only having conversations with your crew? That ain't right.
Hardison: Name one person you can have a conversation with that isn't on this team.
Everyone: And don't say Maggie.
Eliot: Look, I got my buddies over in the Service. Hell, even Hardison's got his little internet friends. They're all elves and gnomes but at least--
Hardison: (cuts in) They're orcs. They're orcs. You just don't listen.
Sophie: I have dinner plans. Even Parker's meeting a friend tonight.
Parker: Mhm. Remember Peggy from that jury job in Los Angeles? Technically, she's Alice's friend.--
Hardison, Sophie, Eliot: You're Alice.
Nate: You're Alice, actually.

Parker: You remember Peggy from that jury duty job? She moved here from Boston last year so we've been doing brunch and other normal people stuff.
Sophie: And we're very proud of you.
Parker: Well brunch isn't hard. I mean there are forks.

Parker: You know that thing you do when you fix whatever I'm doing wrong?
Sophie: You mean advice?
Parker: Umm hmm
Parker: Wait you haven't fixed me yet!

Parker: I just uploaded some photos to my sky drive. Can you run that face thing that tells you if people are bad?

Sophie: Ooo Diplomatic ID. Very handy for getting out of parking tickets

Tara [about Sophie's method of getting into the party]: Russian escort? That was so 3 years ago.

[Sophie and Tara developing a plan to switch briefcases in the middle of a crowded party.]

Tara: You start a fire in the kitchen, I grab the briefcase, we use the crowd for cover.
Sophie: I was thinking of something a little less...trample-y?

Sophie: How do we disarm it?
Tara: You're asking me?
Sophie: You were in the army.
Tara: You stole paintings, that doesn't mean you know how to draw.

[Hardison is being chased by some very angery dogs when Sophie calls]

Hardison: What? I'm busy!
Sophie: Look, I just sent you a picture.
Hardison: Oh, Let me guess it's a picture of another handsome dude. (looks) Ok it's bomb!... Umm. whooo...
Sophie: Yes, it's a bomb. Now just stop playing with that dog and help us!.

Parker: Where is Mattingly?
Sophie: He took the cab behind ours.
Parker: I thought that was Tara's.
Sophie: Yes, it was.

The Boys Night Out Job [4.14]Edit

Nate: Until I figure out what's going on, we are not leaving this basement.
[Nate opens the door to find an addiction support group behind it]
Nate: Uhhh, we are leaving this basement.
[He turns around but Hurley blocks his way]
Hurley: It's God. Listen to him.

Bonnano: So, what kind of work you in, Shelly?
Shelly: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Bonanno: [laughs] Yeah, right.
Eliot: Yeah, he really would.

Eliot: Yeah, he went to jail, then escaped.
Shelly: Shouldn't that bug you?
Bonnano: You get used to it.

[Two thugs chasing Hurley and Nate]

Thug 1: The church! They're in the church.
Thug 2: I'm not just busting into a church to kill two men.
Thug 1: What if they're in the chuch basement? If they're in the church basement then we can kill 'em.
Thug 2: So you're implying that the church is holy, but the church basement isn't?
Thug 1: You don't say mass in the basement. The church basement is not holy ground.
Thug 2: So what, it goes: Holy ground. Uuumm, the basement. Holy ground?
Thug 1: The Boy Scouts meet in the basement and they're not a religious group.
Thug 2: A Boy Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Reverent is there at the end because it is, if not a faith based organisation, not entirely secular!

[Giving hardison relationship advice]

Eliot: I don't know, man. Maybe every once in a while take the hoodie off, put a suit on, maybe light some candles, back away from witch of warcraft...

Eliot: (handing Hardison the gun) Don't play with that.
Eliot: Told you not to play with that thing.

Shelly: They're not coming back with that pizza, are they?
Bonnano: You get used to it.

Hurley: Nate, I know I'm not your friend, but I want you to know, you are my friend.
Nate: Thanks.

Hardison: Of course I'm a racist, I'm a dirty cop!

Irish Thug: Why is there a nun's habit without the nun?
Nate: Rapture!

The Lonely Hearts Job [4.15]Edit

(Parker has just received a Venus Flytrap)

Parker: It eats flies. A plant that actually does something.

Parker: Ooh, sparkly.
Nate: Parker, no burgling.
Parker: But these jewels are just asking to be taken.

Eliot: Want me to teach you about the wines…again?
Hardison: That's just hurtful, makin' assumptions…yes, I need you to teach me about the wines again.

Hardison: They were married less than a month later.
Sophie: See, love at first sight.
Eliot: Yeah, she wanted to get hitched before the background check came through.

Eliot: Come on. Fisticuffs? Really?

Parker: Let's go steal a sweetheart.
Eliot: [shakes head]
Parker: A widow?
Eliot: Nah.
Parker: A spider? A spider.

The Gold Job [4.16]Edit

Hardison: This is my shot. This time I run the con.
Nate: Oh no.
Hardison: Oh yes
Nate: Oh boy.

Eliot: Did you take a bite of all of these?
Parker: I had to see which one I wanted.

The Radio Job [4.17]Edit

Sophie: (to Nate) This is a new low, even for you. We both know you're cold, you're distant, you're emotionally unavailable, but you're always punctual.

Hardison: Hello and welcome to the Island of Misfit Inventions.

Parker: It might be easier if he's asleep.
Eliot: You want me to put him to sleep?
Hardison: HEY! I'm standing RIGHT HERE.

Hardison: Why y'all always pushing me off of stuff? Don't I get a vote! I vote NO!

Parker: Look, we're going to lower you really slowly but if you bump into anything, the glass, the walls, anything you'll set off the alarms.
Hardison: Yeah, I get it. It's like the game operation and I'm the tweezers.

Parker: What is that?
Hardison: It's a bow tie. Bow ties are cool.

The Last Dam Job [4.18]Edit

Cha0s: I want my usual fee plus expense, and Parker dresses up as Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica.
Hardison: Hey, it's not happening!
Cha0s: I'll also accept Sophie as Counselor Troi. We'll negotiate on the flight.
Hardison: So wrong on so many levels.

Hardison: [upon entering the old subway tunnels where the team has set up shop] YOU GOT ME A BAT CAVE? [jumping around excitedly] A BAT CAVE!
Nate: No I did not.
Cha0s: Yeah, this is totally a bat cave. Ok, you guys suck a little less now.

Quinn: [about the portrait of "Old Nate"] What the hell is this?
Eliot: Don't ask.

[Hardison and Chaos finish explaining something technical]
Quinn: Can I hit him?
Eliot: Which one?
Quinn: Either one.
Eliot [turning to Sophie]: See, it's not just me.

Archie: Parker! My wallet. [holds out his hand, she returns it] And hers. [She returns his daughter's wallet] And? [very reluctantly, Parker hands over the granddaughter's lollypop]
Archie's Daughter: Dad, who's this?
Archie: This? [pauses and then smiles proudly] This is my daughter. [walks away with Parker]
Parker: [over her shoulder]: See you later Sis.

Cha0s: Wow, you are, like, super old. Maybe later you can tell us about that time you punched Hitler in the face! Parker, still yummy.
Archie Leach: [shoves the end of his cane under Cha0s' chin] I own two canes. One has a taser capable of releasing ten thousand volts. The other extends a six inch stiletto blade.
Cha0s: Which one is [gulps] is this?
Archie Leach: I can't seem to remember. I am super old.
Cha0s: What is with this 'Sir'? Are you picking her up for the prom? Cause Parker in a prom dre—AAAAAAH!
Archie: [who has just zapped Cha0s with his cane]: Hmm, I guess it was the taser.

Eliot: You know a lot of things, Nate, but you don't know how this is gonna change you.
Nate:: You handled it.
Eliot: You have no idea who I was before all this started. That guy—kid—he had God in his heart, a flag on his shoulder. Clean hands. I haven't seen him in the mirror in over ten years. And believe me, I get up every morning looking for him. So you can trust me when I tell you that if you pull that trigger, two men die: the guy you kill, and the guy you used to be.
[Later, Eliot is holding a gun on Victor Dubenich.]
Sophie: Eliot, what are you doing?
Eliot: I was thinking I could save my friend some trouble.

Victor Dubenich: You didn't kill the man who let your son die.
Nate: My son would be ashamed of me if I turned into a killer.
Victor Dubenich: Yes…right.
Nate: [points the gun at him] My father, on the other hand, would buy me an ice cream.

Nate: I have plans…oh so many plans.

Archie: No reason you should care, but I approve of your young man very much.
Parker: I do care.
Archie: How does that feel?
Parker: Weird, but I think I'm getting used to it.

Sophie: I don't have a lot of rules in this world. Three, actually: Don't count the money until after the con, know when to walk away from the con.
Nate: The Gambler? You're basing your life philosophy on a Kenny Rogers song?

Cha0s [condescending]: This place is so old it doesn't have any modern security measures, but it's still tied into the main dam's matainance system. So this is what we call a back door.
Quinn: How many fingers do you need to type? Round down.
[Quinn and Cha0s are being chased by gunmen and are cornered at a railing of the dam, and look down at the crashing water below: their only escape]
Quinn: We call it a back door. [pushes Cha0s over, then jumps over after him]

Latimer: You made it impossible for Hardison to hack us with a computer so he hacks us with a clam?

Cha0s: They are ready for your kung fu, they are completely unprepared for my drunken mastery.

Hardison [when Cha0s proves him wrong]: Wow. This must be how Eliot feels. I just realized this is how he feels all the time. I just want to hit something.

Nate: My wife? You recruited my wife as your backup?
Sophie: Ex! He never says ex-wife.
Maggie: I always do.

Dubenich: You underestimate me.
Sophie: Last time I underestimated you I was right.

Dubenich: Who the hell are you?
Quinn: Well, I'm definitely not Eliot.
[Eliot takes Dubenich down from behind]

Quinn: Next time give me the gun. I'm your huckleberry.
Eliot: I love that movie.
Quinn: Who the hell doesn't?

Maggie: Aw, Nate, if temptation counted as cheating no marriage would make it past the first year. Imagine what it was like for me, you bringing James around for all those years.
Nate: James? Sterling?
Maggie: Better hurry, Latimer will be waking soon. It's your master plan, pity if you miss it.
Nate: Seriously, Sterling?
Maggie: Seriously.

Eliot: You can't get a car in there. You can't have the Batcave without the Batmobile.
Hardison: We have the Batcave. It's a car, not a boat.
Parker: Just ask him.
Hardison: [yelling down the dam] Nate! Can we keep the cave?
Nate: We are not keeping the cave!
Eliot: I told you. I told you didn't I?
Hardison: Now hold on. Don't be so hasty. Look. Hear me out. Two words: Eliot Signal.


Eliot: Hey Hardison, what are you talking about? Like a light you would shine up in the air? How does that work? And how would you see it during the day, first of all, and what would you put on it? A wolf? Or a Knife? No a wolf, a wolf is cooler…

Season 5Edit

The (Very) Big Bird Job [5.01]Edit

Sophie: That was the con I used to sell the Brooklyn Bridge the year we met!
Nate: I know. That's why I did it.
Sophie: That's romantic.

Sophie: Excuse me, what is this place?
Hardison: Oh This? This is Leverage Inc. Portland branch, come on baby.

Parker: Hardison and I are dating.
Hardison: We just got back from a round the world trip.

Romer: my company had a little accident. A couple of employees got hurt. The government fines me. I pay the fines, I still get sued.
Nate: Big fine?
Romer: Million bucks. Hey, something good about the system. If you and I kill a guy, we go to prison. If my company kills a guy, pays a fine, that's the cost of doing business.
Hardison: [on comms with Nate] Nate, I understand that this is the type of man that makes you very angry. Even so, I am asking you to please not do what I think you're about to do.

Hardison: To do: hack the National Artifact website. (sarcastically) Yay. What else?

Nate: Portland is odd.
Sophie: We are going to have a serious talk about moving somewhere with less rain.
Hardison: London has rain.
Sophie: London has fog. Fog is mysterious. Rain just ruins my hair.

Sophie: We did not agree on this. No, this was just going to be a stopover until we made it back to Nate's place.
Hardison: Nate's apartment. About that. You see that street? That's the street in front of Nate's apartment. That car right there is FBI, SUV is State Police, and that little pretzel cart is both delicious and Interpol. Nate's apartment is burned.
Eliot: Well, you can't just set up shop in the back of someone's restaurant.
Hardison: Of course. That's why I bought the microbrewery... Dude, we brew our own beer now!
Parker: And we're calling it Thief Juice: Tastes like bad guys.
Hardison: Babe, no we're not. I told you to put it in the suggestion...
Eliot: This is the dumbest idea you've ever come up with.
Sophie: Thank you.
Eliot: Pairing food and drink is hard enough with the wine, OK? They have textural and taste consistencies throughout both the vineyard and the grape categories, OK. But you're not dealing with wine, you're dealing with beer. Its got a stronger palate. The brew/pub menu is the hardest menu to design.
Sophie: That's what you're upset about?
Eliot: You're not?
Parker: Thief Juice! It's a mouth crime.

Eliot: You can't put anchovies and pineapple on the same pizza. Do not come crying to me when this thing goes bankrupt.

Sophie: Why are you happy about this?
Parker: We're here.
Sophie: Yeah, I know, we're here, get used to it.
Parker: No, I mean, we're all here.
Sophie: Oh. That's sweet.
Parker: Yeah, me and my money, Hardison and Eliot, Nate and you...
Sophie: Parker, why does the money always come before the people?

Eliot (facing a group of armed men): I'm only going to say this once boys. Give me the ...(hesitates)... Teddy bear.

Parker: Drink our juice.
Sophie: Do we have to?
Parker: Yes.
Nate: It's very interesting.
Elliot: You kidding me with this? You can't serve this to people.

Hardison: I don't like lying to them, Nate, especially Parker.
Nate: It's for the best. Everything set?
Hardison: Almost. Locking in the money right now. You sure about this?
Nate: All good things come to an end, Hardison. By the way, thank you.

The Blue Line Job [5.02]Edit

Nate (explaining the enforcers): ...It's sort of like the fear of having to fight one of them is what keeps everything cool
Parker (non-chalantly): Oh. Sherlings theory of rational deterrence. (everyone stares at parker in surprise) Cold war?
Nate (hesitantly): That's actually, terrifyingly, exactly right.

Sophie: Fights in every period? Even on power plays?
Nate: How did you know...?
Sophie: This guy is like a minor hammer, like Dave the Hammer Shultz
Hardison: Did she...?
Sophie: What? A girl can't watch hockey?
Nate: What'd you steal?
Sophie: (quietly) Something hockey related. A certain trophy.
Nate: No you didn't. Not the Stanley Cup. No I saw it last year in Boston.
Sophie: No, that was a fake. And not a very good one. no no no, sorry. My engraver, was awful.
Nate: Ok, so where's the real one?
Sophie (in her con voice): I don't remember.
Nate: Are you messing with me?
Sophie: When did I ever lie about a grift?
Nate: So tell me. Tell me where it is.
Sophie: Look, there's Vlad.
Nate:So is it some place warm?
Sophie:I don't remember
Nate: Is it in Boston?
Sophie: Nate, I don't remember!
Nate: Are you sure it's the Stanley Cup?
Sophie: That I remember.
Nate: Where's the last place you remember having it?
Sophie: (Smiles) I don't remember.

Eliot: Bad choices are bad choices. It doesn't matter why you made them. And they tear you apart, from the inside out. And you don't even notice.

Parker: Did I fall asleep again?
Hardison: Ya.
Parker: How did the movie end?
Hardison: Soylent Green is people!
Parker: WOAH!
Hardison: I know. Just-Just sit with that for a while.

The First Contact Job [5.03]Edit

Elliot: What kind of guy names a toilet after himself?
Sophie: Someone who cares more about fame than respect, that's for sure.

[The team is discussing a defense contractor]
Eliot: Yeah, I know those guys. They used to stamp their logo on the side of our attack choppers and we had to sand it off before we-- [Suddenly notices that Nate and Sophie are staring at him] --went fishing. For fish. Yeah.

Nate: We can have the research back in 2 hours. Right Hardison? Hardison?
Hardison: Less. I would actually like to enjoy the rest of my Sunday.
Parker: He wants to get to his online Orc battle.

Parker: I'm going thru the vents. Bet I get there first.
Hardison: No, I don't think that's a good idea.
Parker: Winner gets to choose our next date. Ready- set- go.
Hardison: Wait. I wasn't ready.

Parker: I win. I want to go bungee jumping.
Hardison: We already did that.
Parker: Not off a hot air balloon.
Hardison: I seriously need to win one of these bets.

Sophie: Why would someone dedicate so much time listening to nothing?
Nate: For the hope of what they might hear.

Kanack: Look, all I care about is the signal we received. Do you think you can decipher it? Mr?
Eliot: Riker, Willy Riker. Willy Riker is my full name.

Nate: It's not about the money. It was never about the money. You want your reputation back.
Metz: I appreciate the help. Thanks for trying.

Nate: Stop. You knew?
Sophie: I listened.
Nate: OK. We need to fix. We need to get our clients reputation back.
Parker: How do we do that?
Nate: By making Kanack insane.

Parker: [using E. T.'s voice, poking Eliot] El-i-ot.

Hardison: You know, Fermi's paradox says that it's improbable for other life forms to exist.
Eliot: Yeah? Well, Drake's equation shows that orbiting around the hundred billion stars in our galaxy there's up to ten thousand planets with technological civilization. (Smiles at Hardison who gives him a surprised look) You never know when you might have to fight an alien.

Hardison and Eliot: [singing to a remix of the alien signal] Two good old boys behind the wheel, chasing down bad guys in Lucille. (repeat)

James Kanack: Alfred Wallace created the theory of evolution years before Darwin, but it's Darwin's theory of evolution. Nikola Tesla invented alternating current, but all the power companies are named after Thomas Edison. So why are Darwin and Edison famous, and Tesla and Wallace footnotes? Because history is written by the winners. You get your name on it first, you get it out there the most, and twenty years later, you invented it.

Eliot: [as Riker] You need something that maintains orbital position. You need a geostationary satellite. You got one of those? I don't have one of those.

Eliot: [as Riker] Put your hands on me, I'll break your friggin' clavicle.

[later Eliot has thugs on top of him]
Parker: Ouch.

Hardison: You know the difference between us and them?
Parker: hmm?
Hardison: We make this look good.

Sophie: Just so you know, I really, really hate you.
Nate: [chuckles] Hm! Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. [pause] Ish.
Sophie: That is the last time I lie about playing Peter Pan on Broadway!

Metz: I can't thank you enough.
Nate: Well, you know I should be thanking you.
Metz: For what?
Nate: For reminding me to listen; I appreciate it.

[later Parker and Hardison are on a date]
Parker: I'll be right here. [points to Hardison's heart]

The French Connection Job [5.04]Edit

Eliot: He showed me I could use my knife to create instead of destroy.

Eliot: He's one of the guys that kept me from falling all the way down, and now I'm asking the other guy to understand why I'm gonna help him.

Eliot: Hardison, delivery.
Eliot: You gotta tip the guy.
Hardison: For doing his job
Eliot: Hardison, he rode all over here on a bike
Hardison: Here 2 quarters, 2 pennies. Go buy your mama something.

Eliot: Alright, everyone listen up. Come down to table 2 and line up. The chef who was gonna be with you today has booked another gig, so I am your new instructor.
Whitney: What's your name?
Eliot: Chef!

Hardison: I get to fire a laser. YA!!! Geeking in the Kitchen. Uh, makes me want to dance!

Eliot: Nate, it's not drugs Lampart is dealing. It's bigger, a lot bigger.
Nate: If it's not drugs, what is it?

Parker: (to Nate) I don't have a thing... Eliot has a thing, he loves food. Sophie loves theater. You have a sicko love of controlling people.

Sophie: Oh, Nate, you know that the core of good acting comes from persistence of tectonics.
Nate: No idea what that means. Very concerned that you do.

Hardison: Think about it. Levitating food could replace---
Eliot: I will stab you in the neck!
Hardison: Don't hate the barbecue, hate the sauce.

Hope (holding up a red onion): I'm out of these purple tomatoes
Eliot: Hope, those are red onions.

Jean-Luc: [talking to his henchman] What is wrong with you? He is not a real man. He is a chef. He cooks little food in little pots and pans! Allez! Allez! Allez!

Parker: The spring rolls sneak up on you. The flavors come from somewhere else. Like a secret passage in the back of my, what's it called, palette.
Hardison: Air duct, got it.

Hardison: I can make blue spaghetti or I can blow a safe.

The Gimme a K Street Job [5.05]Edit

Parker: What do I know about teenage girls?
Nate: Um, You were a teenage girl?
Parker: Only sort of.

Sophie: Did you know about this, girls being dropped from 20 feet? It's unbelievable.
Parker: I know, right? 20 feet pft, walk it off.
Sophie: Parker, you do know that normal people don't just walk off a 20 foot fall right?
Parker [seriously concerned]: So all those times I pushed Hardison off a building and he was all WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH--he wasn't just being funny?
Hardison: No.
Eliot: I thought it was funny, Parker.
Haridson: No way in hell was it funny.
Eliot: You were always upside down, man.
Hardison: I fell off a building, yeah I was upside down.
Eliot: Like a pinwheel, like a Himalayan tree frog.
Hardsion: You call me a frog?
Eliot: [makes popping sounds while gesturing with his hands]
Hardison: You call me a damn frog?
Eliot: Pop pop and upside down. Yeah.
Hardison: Say it to my face.
Nate: Guys, maybe focus. Guys, focus.
Hardison: Damn frog.

Eliot: Yeah, the guy's got integrity. Elected official or not, you can't con an honest man.

Hardison: Are you for real man? You telling me you bought a congress man with a lunch?
Nate: It was a nice lunch

Nate: OK people, let's grift.

Sophie: Corn subsidies, why did it have to be corn subsidies?

Nate: Sophie, where are you?
Sophie: Trying to improve the air quality standards in Massachusetts.
Nate: Ok, for corn subsidies?
Sophie: No, to get me the fishery concessions, that I then trade for logging rights, to get me the redistricting deal, that gets me the grant funding, that gets me the solar subsidies, that finally gets me the bloody stinking corn subsidies.

Hardison: Look, Nate, I'm good with systems, you know that. This system hacks back. I got 7 million dollars set aside for mad cow testing, which nobody uses because, you know no one wants to know they have mad cow calves.
Hardison [to himself, beyond frustrated with what he is doing.]: It's cool. Don't pop a nerve. Don't pop a nerve. Don't throw a book.

Sophie [to a military official]: So you'll see to it that the Massachusetts gets the contract for the new military personal database. [to a middle eastern man beside him] And you'll see that the land is leased to the general for the new airbase in the Persian Gulf. [they nod] You can shake on that.

Hardison: Okay, 5 million dollars earmarked for vocational training for millers, blacksmiths and haberdashers. By an 1884 statute. [throw down the book] Anybody got a way to legally define cheerleading as haberdashery?
Sophie [having just closed yet another deal in her endless goose chase]: [sighs] I'll see what I can do!

Sophie: I don't know how anything gets done around here. You have to be a grifter to run government.

Parker: ...while everyone is heeeerrreee. Where's Madison? WHERE IS MADISON? Great, I lost a cheerleader...

Cheerleader: Ready. Ready. Ready. Ready. Ready, let's go.
Nate: Ready?
Hardison: Ready!
Sophie: Ready.
Eliot: Ready.
Parker: Ready.
Nate: Let's go.

Hardison: Oh no you don't. You swam into my pool now, guppy.


Sophie: [playing a Congresswoman, using a heavy southern accent] That is a wardrobe malfunction! I can see her hoo-ha! Her HOO-HA, sir! Are you blind? Do I need to call Congressman Kabio or Congressman Greenhill? I will call MY WHOLE ROLODEX, sir!

Aide: Your tickets ma'am.
Hardison: What was that about?
Sophie: I'm just planning a trip to the Gulf. The Military are breaking ground on Fort Deveraux.

Nate: Good job on this one.
Eliot: I know what you're trying to do Nate. You could have told me how to hook Le Grange the whole time, but you wanted to see if I could figure it out on my own. I trust someday very, very soon, you're going to tell me what kind of game you are playing.
Nate: Good job on this one.

The D.B. Cooper Job [5.06]Edit

Nate: I don't have time for this.
Parker: Nate, he's about to lose his father. Please just go talk to him for me.

Nate: Peter, any regrets about the case?
Peter: Just one. My boy Todd had a hard time growing up in the shadows of DB Cooper.

Peter: It's not a weakness to see the good in people. It's not a flaw or a bad thing to trust.

Peter: You don't have to find DB Cooper; he's lost somewhere in the darkness. Just make sure my son doesn't follow him there.

Stephanie: Don't do this.
DB Cooper: Why do you care?
Stephanie: I don't know.

Hardison: So, back to square one?
Nate: I prefer back to the drawing board. It's more hopeful.

Todd: He's a criminal. He belongs in jail.
Nate: Is that what you really want?
Todd: Yes, it's what my father wanted more than anything in the world - to bring DB Cooper to justice.
Nate: Todd, your dad had a gift, I believe he passed on to you. He could see goodness in people. And because of that he did bring DB Cooper to justice.

Nate: You did the right thing.
Todd: Think my father knew?
Nate: Here's the thing, Peter McSweeten knew Steve Reynolds was a man that deserved a second chance. I mean is that enough?
Todd: I wanted to thank you [slides father's book to him].
Nate: No, no, no, I can't take that.
Todd: My father went on an Odyssey for over 40 years, you ended it. I know he would want you to have it.

Nate: When you spend most of your time getting inside the minds of bad people, you are looking for their flaws and their weakness that's pretty much all you see in everyone.
Sophie: That's not what happened to Peter McSweeten.
Nate: Ah, Peter McSweeten isn't Jimmy Ford's son.

Nate: When we first started this thing, this thing that we do, remember what I said to everybody? You all know what you can do, but I know what we can do together. That is my talent.

The Real Fake Car Job [5.07]Edit

Hardison: WitSec is like the ninth circle of hell for guys like him. Like us! I mean Nate, do you think you could just go back to being John Q. and not go insane if you had to give it all up?
Nate: Sure, maybe. Maybe not. Really I don't think beyond the job that's right in front of us. I don't have the luxury to think beyond that, so...
Sophie: Really?
Nate: Hmmm?
Sophie: That's the best you got?

Nate: How can a witness in protection we've been watching for the last 24 hours get access to $100,000 we didn't see?

Hardison: You mean we gotta drive through a gunfight and not get shot like it's the Batmobile?

Nate: Marshall, I know you're upset but you can't really blame him for something that happened yesterday. The past is the past. You can't blame him for something that happened 20 minutes ago, 2 minutes ago. What you need to be thinking about is what's going to happen next.
Sophie: [listening on the comms] Could somebody record this? I want a record of this!

Nate: I only knew three of the five.

Nate: Moving on with or without you. It matters. You matter.

The Broken Wing Job [5.08]Edit

Hardison: Baby, love, kisses, snuggles, and other romantic verbs. Take your pills, be nice to Amy, We will be fine without you.
Parker: That's what I am afraid of.

Parker: [to her "Get Well" teddy bear] Oh what you want to choose? Okay fine. But no 'B. J. and the Bear' and no reality dating shows. Except 'Beauty and the Geek' I like that one. What you're gonna sulk now? Okay fine. I'm just gonna keep choosing then.

Parker: [dubbing the surveillance feeds from the pub] "If you leave that seat up one more time I'll just scream!" "Baby, sometimes I worry I'm just too much of a man for the world. And for you." "My mother warned me about you." "What you don't know about your mother is... she leaves the seat up too!"

Sophie: How's she's doing?
Nate: Apparently dealing with some thieves.
Sophie: Baby bird is learning how to fly.

Parker: She would have been very proud of how you stepped up yesterday and saved that police officer.

Parker: To new friends, new food, and no fish.
Amy/Doctor/Parker: No fish.

Nate: Nice job while we were away.

The Rundown Job [5.09]Edit

Eliot: I'm gonna keep her alive. You guys find a way to get her out of here.
Hardison: With what?
Eliot: You stole a Michelangelo with tin foil and chewing gum! Figure it out!

[Eliot, Hardison, and Parker are handcuffed in the back of a government van.]

Hardison: This is a violation of my constitutional rights.
Colonel Vance: You're Alec Hardison. You cracked the Pentagon servers when you were twelve. NSA has a file on you a mile long.
Hardison: Do they? What do they say about me? I hope they gave me a cool nickname.

[After Vance tells them about the terrorist attack.]

Hardison: You're talking about stopping a terrorist attack in an afternoon! We'd need all your intel!
Vance: The truck back at the crime scene; It's an NSA Mobile Response Intelligence Unit.
Hardison: [Excitedly] With a Snear Cryptography System and a Jade-M Satellite Uplink?

[Vance looks at Hardison, surprised]

Hardison: That I know nothing about because that would be treason and wrong... You for real?

Eliot: You're scared.
Hardison: You're damn right!
Eliot: I'm not. I got the best thief and the smartest guy I know chasing this guy.

[Hardison turns away, and Eliot pulls him back.]

Eliot: Hey. Listen to me. You're the smartest guy I've ever known, Hardison. And I need that brain working for me. I need you to get me to him, because you know if I lay my hands on him, it's done. Get me to him.

Hardison: It's got every database...NSA, CIA, FBI, it's got hard backdoors into most commercial systems, live feeds into every security camera on the grid; man, if this wasn't such a gross violation of our civil liberties, I would be in love right now!

Hardison: Call up the NSA satellites.
Spy Truck: Calling up NSA Satellites.
Hardison: Thank you, creepy spy truck.

[Vance's response on finding the trailer.]

Vance: There's a time for sneaking around, my brother, and a time for droppin' an attack chopper full of pissed-off 19-year-olds in full body armor on somebody. And we have reached that appointed hour.

[Hardison to Parker when she takes the virus briefcase.]

Hardison: Parker NO, Don't do it. Parker! Parker!
Parker: [burns venting gas on case] Fire is the only that will kill this thing right?
Hardison: Yeah. Don't that to me. I can't lose you. Don't scare me like that.

Vance: Promise you'll consider working with us again.
Eliot: I work with them now.
Vance: Honor among thieves?
Eliot: Something like that.

Eliot: I'll tell you something Vance, I know firsthand, you become obsessed with beating your enemy, it's really easy to become them.

Vance: The world can always use more good guys.
Eliot: Too bad we're the bad guys.

The Frame Up Job [5.10]Edit

Sophie: Just letting you know, if we die I blame you. None of this would have happened if you just gone to the movies like I told you.
Nate: If I had gone to the movies, you would be in jail right now.
Sophie: Well that would be a distinct improvement over my current situation of soon to be murdered!

Nate: Oh hey, I just heard from the others, there's gonna stay in DC.
Sophie: I know, Parker just texted me.

Sophie: I know. I'm going to be slaving away in a dusty old theater, while you sit back. Relax and watch alcoholic repressed insurance cops harassing tragically misunderstand femme fatales.
Nate: You're not supposed to root for the criminals.
Sophie: Always root for the home team.

Sterling: Hello Nate.
Nate: Sterling.

Stering: You have one hour. If I don't have a suspect in an hour, you're both going down for this.
Nate: I don't need an hour, I've got a Sophie.

Butler: I'm sorry, what are you doing in my room?
Sophie: So, the butler did it.

Sterling: Arrest them both.
Sophie: On what charge?
Sterling: Theft?
Nate: We brought you back the paintings.
Sterling: Obstructing an investigation.
Sophie: We're helping you with your investigation.
Sterling: Being annoying and crazy!

Sterling: Hey! I don't suppose anyone here spent the last few years singularly replacing every Metier in the house with forgeries when no one was looking.
Nate: Very slick interrogation [the curator takes off running].
Sterling: I didn't think that would work.
Sophie: Uh, she's getting away.
Sterling: I didn't think that would work!

Sterling: And despite your efforts to drop off the map, I now know your new base of operations. Everything is sunshine and rainbows.

The Low Low Price Job [5.11]Edit

Sophie: Zachary, what's the first basic rule of improv?
Zachary: Always say yes and keep the scene moving forward.
Sophie: Good, and the second?
Zachary: Don't block?
Sophie: Exactly. Now, everybody, forget all that. Synchronize your watches; we're saying 'no' and we're blocking.

The White Rabbit Job [5.12]Edit

Parker: What's the White Rabbit?
Hardison: It's the ungriftable grift, it's impossible.
Parker: Yeah, but we do the impossible.

Eliot: Hardison, headed your way 10 minutes.
Hardison: Ok Eliot, come on with it, the dreamnasium is a go.

Nate: Let's go steal a dream.

Dodgson: Am I dreaming now or was I dream then?
Parker: Which answer gets you down here with me?

Parker: What happen to Patience wasn't your fault, what happens next is. It's your life Charlie, make something of it.

The Corkscrew Job [5.13]Edit

Guard: Oxygen deprivation works fast. You'll be unconscious in thirty seconds.
Eliot: It'll take me ten seconds.

The Toy Job [5.14]Edit

Nate: What do you think parents are most afraid of?
Parker: Clowns?
Nate: No.
Parker: Evil clowns?
Nate: No.
Parker: Crazy clowns named Gigi who whisper your name from under your bed?
Nate: (pauses) No.

Hardison: What the problem with getting emotionally butt naked? I'm just trying to share my feelings.
Nate: We don't want to see that.

Eliot: Promise me those things will never hit toy shelves.
Parker: Neah, I'm keeping him all to myself. I've got them all lined up in my warehouse like an army of joy and rage.
Hardison: You never want to be in that warehouse alone. Ever.

The Long Goodbye Job [5.15]Edit

Hardison: Did Eliot make it out?
Eliot: [choking on blood] Age of the geek, brother.

Nate: For five years I've been, I've been...
Hardison: Drunk.
Parker: Lying.
Elliot: Utter bastard.

Parker: So, you're really going?
Sophie: How does that make you feel?
Parker: I think I'm ok with it. Yeah, I'm ok with it.
Nate: That's why we can go.

Nate: [to Hardison] You're the smartest man I know. Don't get cocky.
Hardison: Too late for that.

Nate: Elliot, I'd say, call if you need anything, but you never seem to need anything.
Elliot: Yeah, I did. Thanks to you, I don't have to search anymore.

Sophie: Promise me, you'll keep them safe.
Elliot: Till my dying day.

Elliot: You know this was your crusade. Now this is our war.

Nate: So, the hard drive. Everything thing you need is right there.
Hardison: You know what. I'm going to dump this on the dark net.
Parker: Every crew from around the world will want in with us.
Hardison: Just think about it. Leverage International.

Nate: We're out. Done.
Sophie: We?
Nate: Well that depends on what, on what you say next, of course.

Nate: Will you marry me, Laura?
Sophie: Yes. Yes.

Nate: You've always had my back. Now will you be on my side?
Sophie: [about the ring] Did you steal it?
Nate: No!
Sophie: Because that would be more romantic, right, Parker?

Hardison: There it is, man. The Holy Grail.
Parker: A thousand bad guys.
Elliot: A lot of revenge in there. Just waiting on a righteous man to take a swing.
Nate: That man's not going to be me.

Sterling: Nathan, you and I are not the same. We don't believe in the same things.

Sterling: What you were doing, back in the room, where did you learn to act like that?
Nate: Sophie. She really helped me. She's directing now. She found her calling.

Sterling: I've seen Sophie Devereaux play a dozen people.... drunk.

[last lines; the team is interviewing two grieving parents who want revenge on the company that killed their son]
Parker: People like that... corporations like that, they have all the money, they have all the power, and they use it to make people like you go away. Right now, you're suffering under an enormous weight. We provide... Leverage.

Repeated LinesEdit

Eliot Spencer: "Dammit, Hardison!"

Eliot Spencer: "It's a very distinctive..."

Nathan Ford: "Let's go steal a..."

Nathan Ford: "Let's go break the law one more time."

Alec Hardison: Age of the geek, baby!

Alec Hardison (though this has also been said by other characters): Seriously?


Timothy Hutton - Nathan Ford
Gina Bellman - Sophie Devereaux
Christian Kane - Eliot Spencer
Beth Riesgraf - Parker
Aldis Hodge - Alec Hardison
Jeri Ryan - Tara Cole

External linksEdit

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