The King of Queens (1998-2007) is an American situation comedy series on the CBS network about a package deliveryman, his wife, and her father, who all live together in Queens, New York.
- [A argument between Arthur and Carrie]
- Arthur: I've got two words for you: I'm staying right here!
- Carrie: That's four words.
- Arthur: Well, here's four more words for you: screw you!
- Carrie: That's two words.
- Doug: Arthur maybe you should stop saying how many words you are going to use in advance.
- Arthur: Yeah, once you do that you're pretty much locked in, huh?
- [Arthur's house is on fire]
- Arthur: I wonder if it's too late to get insurance.
Tube Stakes [2.05]Edit
(Doug is walking to the garage with a bowl of cereal.)
- Doug (content): Cereal...I had you last night, too. (He reaches up over the door jamb and grabs the key to unlock the garage, but is surprised when the door seems to be open.)
(On the other side of the door, Doug notices that something seems to be wrong. Namely his big screen TV is not there.)
- Doug: CARRIE!!! (He turns around and walks back into the kitchen, where Carrie is at the kitchen table.) Can I see you in the garage? (He grabs Carrie and all but drags her to the garage. Once there, he gestures to the spot where the TV used to be.) Huh?!
- Carrie: Where's your TV?
- Doug: I'm thinkin' it was stolen!
- Carrie: Oh, my God! Do you think somebody broke in here?
- Doug: You know what? That's one theory! Here's another: (yelling) They came in through the garage door that you left open!!
- Carrie (shocked): What?! No, I didn't!
- Doug: Did, Carrie! Did! You were the last one in here, it's open, that means--try and stay with me, here--that you left it open!!!
- Doug: I'll tell you why it happened. It happened because you wanted it to happen!
- Carrie (incredulous): What?
- Doug: You heard me! You hated my TV, so you wished it out into the cornfield, and it's gone!
- Carrie: The cornfield, Doug?
- Doug: Yeah, classic Twilight Zone? Sci-Fi Channel? Ever hear of it? Here, let me show you. (He uses the remote as if he's turning on the TV.) OOOOH! I CAN'T!!
Meet By-Product [2.17]Edit
- [Doug's first encounter with Carrie was when Doug worked as a nightclub bouncer and his friend and co-worker Richie got him a a date with Carrie's friend, Lynn]
- Lynn: Do you...you know, get in to a lot of fights at the club?
- Doug Hefferman: Well, you know, it is...it's...I try everything I can not to fight. It's like I tell my boys. Always be nice. Be very nice. Until it's time to not be nice. Then...be very not nice.
- Lynn: [laughs] I love that!
- Doug Hefferman: Yeah, I can't take full credit though. Patrick Swayze said it at Road House.
- Lynn: Oh, I never saw that movie!
- Doug Hefferman: You never saw it...? It's only the greatest movie ever made except for Risky Business.
Restaurant Row [2.23]Edit
(Doug and Carrie are just getting home from their disastrous night out Fiorino's. They are going about their normal everyday business, but there seems to be a lot more tension than normal. Carrie opens a frozen dinner, unwraps it and throws it in the microwave in disgust.)
- Doug (sarcastic): Make sure it doesn't have capers. (Carrie stiffens, as if she was expecting this.)
- Carrie (testy): Okay, here we go. You wanna get into this now? Bring it on.
- Doug: No, no, I don't wanna get into it, I want you to be happy. Don't want you to have to call the Lean Cuisine people and ask for the manager.
- Carrie (turning to face Doug): Well, if I did have to, we all know on whose side you'd be on, don't we?
- Doug: I wanted a nice evening out. You're the one who went insane!
- Carrie: Oh, yeah, I'm insane. I ordered my food without capers and then wanted it without capers. Yeah, fit me for a strait-jacket, I'm a loon!
- Doug: You know what I mean, okay? You're always on the lookout for who's out to get you! You can never just let something go, because that would result in a delightful evening out, and we can't have that, can we? No!
- Doug: I swear, I think the Spooner family crest is a shaking fist with the words, "I want to see the manager!"
Fatty McButterpants [3.03]Edit
- Doug: Hi, shirt! You get to be draped across my nipples! Congrats!
- Doug: Hi. I'm Doug. (strikes a pose) I'm a Pisces. I like walks in the rain and bags of pork rinds.
- Doug: Don't work out with my milk, okay?
Doug-Less (Parts 1 + 2) [6.01]Edit
- [Doug and Carrie are canoeing, and Doug is singing while they paddle]
- Doug: ...56 bottles of beer- in the boat. 56 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 55 bottles of beer- in the boat.
- [after a long argument between Doug and Carrie while they are still canoeing]
- Doug: Just stop complaining and sing with me! It's fun! (singing same song detailed above, only louder and in a angrier voice) 55 bottles of beer- in the boat! 55 bottles of beer-
- Carrie: Owls don't bite! They wear glasses! They're the nerds of the forest!
- [Doug is lost in the woods, but assures himself he will make it out alive. Yells this after jogging to the top of a hill]
- Doug: I will survive!!! I CHOOSE LIFE!!
Dougie Houser [6.12]Edit
- Doug: I want that other house!
- Carrie: Doug, we already talked about this! Now we're here to sign papers on this other house--
- Doug (angry): We didn't talk about it! You steamrolled me! And I'm not signing anything until we talk about it for real!
- Carrie (annoyed): Okay, fine, you wanna talk about it? Tell me why we should buy the other house without mentioning "dumb-waiter" and "pork" ! (Doug tries to come up with something, but he can't.)
- Doug (in frustration): You know that's impossible!
- Carrie: Then this conversation is over.
- Doug (furious): Okay, fine, you know what? Let's just go with the house you want, all right? Hey, and you know what? Here's a great idea! You once told me you liked the name Mike, so from now on, my name's Mike! (turns on the beard trimmer) You know what?! I should shave my mustace! (He brings the trimmer to his mustache, but stops, as if he's had another idea.) What the heck, you know what? Why stop at the face, huh? (He yanks his shirt out of his panst and sticks the trimmer under his shirt, making motions as if he's shaving.) How 'bout in here, yeah? Am I hairless enough for you? Smooth Mike, that's what they're gonna call me! (Suddenly, he winces as if he's hit something. High pitched) Nipple!
Tank Heaven [6.21]Edit
- Doug (lifting up his shirt and rubbing his hairy stomach): Is this a lot of hair right here, seriously? I mean, people say I'm hairy, but I don't think I'm hairy enough.
- Carrie: Did you make them touch your belly hair?!
- Doug (feigning shock): What?!
- Carrie (she's not buying it): Did you?
- Doug: I don't even know what you're sayin'!
- Carrie: Did you lift up your shirt and make Peter and Ellen touch your belly hair?!
- Doug (sarcastic): Yeah, then I threw on a G-string (gyrates) and did a little lap dance, yeah.
- My name might as well be Fatty McButterpants.
- Try and keep it together here, and know that I'm not mad at you - I'm mad at the situation. We're out of Cocoa Puffs.
- All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the story of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.
- Friends just keep you away from TV.
- Mahi mahi is for me-hi me-hi.
- Oh my God, I'm Canadian!!
- No longer being Mastercard's bitch? Priceless!
- My conscience is clear, so shutty!
- Oh, it took a while, but you had to go there: "Fatty like cake!"
- Relax, it's not like I gave him my pin number! [pauses] Actually, I do use that as my pin number.
- You're (Carrie) always the boss. No Doug, you can't [buy] a car. No Doug, you can't [get] steroids!
- You're dumb as ass!!!
- Shutty! (to viewing audience) Ain't turning out so good.
- Just shutty and watchy.
- Go on back to Shuttytown!
- I just figured out what I want for dinner: A nice, hot bowl of Shut-it Stew!!!
- You know, I've had Shut-it Stew before, and it sure as diddly didn't taste like that!!!
- By the time he (Joe Heffernan) wins that golden caboose, you'll be sucking on a nice, cold Shut-Up-sicle.
- Shut it uppie!
- Well, if I'm so evil, then how come there's no horror movie called Doug? (points to Carrie) Carrie, huh?!
- "Warning: Refrigerated trucks are not equipped with an internal lock. Please retain key at all times." Mother of ass!!!
- Well, only Don Zimmer, but that was to pull back the reigns.
- You are nothing less to me than a bilgistic pile of love-meat.
- Doug, tell me what the hell is going on or, so help me, I will kill you. And I don't mean that funny "Oh my God, I'm going to kill you." I mean, I will stop your heart! (from Cowardly Lyin', Season 5, Episode 19)
- Don't hang the meat in the window, if it ain't for sale!
- Life's just a big line, except at the end of it, there ain't no merry-go-round!
- I told you so!
- Spence Olchin: Oh my God! TiVo thinks I'm gay!
- Spence: (talking over Warriors of Grün advert): Why must we live in darkness?
- Deacon: (imitation arguing with son over phone): Is that what you want son!? You wanna live on the highway?
- Carrie: [After abusing Arthur on phone] Oh my God, what if they are the last words I ever say to him?
- Doug: Then I guess you're off the hook.
- Carrie: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?
- Doug: Oh, you mean like every fat man in every movie ever?
- Ray Barone: What you got going on here? Log of salami, chips and cheese. I guess you're not buying in to this whole cholesterol thing, huh?
- Doug: I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.
- Builder: Is that a mirror in your pocket...or are you just fat?
- Doug: What the hell?
- [after Carrie goes temporarily blind]
- Doug: You know what, let me help you.
- Arthur: Don't help her!
- Doug: SHUT OFF!!!
- Carrie: What movie do you want to see?
- Kelly Palmer: Something brainless. What's that thriller where the Earth starts to lose its gravitational pull?
- Carrie: Oh, yeah..."Floaters".
- Arthur: Darling, I need to borrow the iron.
- Carrie: Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.
- Carrie: I can't believe we had sex while you were driving
- Doug: I know. It was hot though!
- Doug: Do you think I'm a big sack of crap?
- Carrie: Have you been reading my diary?
- Arthur: What do we have here?
- Carrie: We're going to Saint Croix.
- Arthur: We are? Oh, goody. I'm so happy.
- Doug: Well, I hope you're happy for us, because it's just Carrie and me.
- Arthur: I see. Once again I humiliate myself by assuming that I'm a member of this family.
- Joe Heffernan: You're out of your mind!
- Arthur: I've never been more in my mind!
- Arthur: You gotta hand it to those Japanese, though, clever people. Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.
- Carrie: Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.
- Arthur: True enough. Mystery solved.
- Carrie: Is this how you take a bath?
- Spence Olchin: Yes.
- Carrie: You look like Ernie from Sesame Street.
- Spence: What did I do to you?
- Deacon Palmer: Douglas S. Heffernan... what's your middle name?
- Doug: Steven. And yours?
- Deacon: John.
- Danny Heffernan: So what are we doing? Where's my truck? What about my route?
- Doug: You know what, your first delivery is to Shut-it-Up Industries.
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