Kath & Kim
Kath & Kim is a satirical Australian television series shown on the ABC network. The series began in 2002, and is has so far aired four seasons and a TV movie. The show was created and written by Jane Turner and Gina Riley, who play the title roles.
The main characters are: Kath, an 'empty nester' divorcee who wants to enjoy time with her "hunk of spunk" Kel, a local butcher, but whose lifestyle is often cramped by the presence of her self-indulgent twenty-something daughter Kim, along with Kim's husband Brett and her "second best friend" Sharon.
- Kath: Kim? What are you doing here at the crack of sparrows?
- Kath: I've left Brett.
- Kath: Oh, again!
- Kath: I like to keep myself trim, Kim. Does it make me a crim to keep myself trim?
- Kim: You think Brett is the bee's knees. Well let me tell you, mum, bee's knees are hard to live with 24/7!
- Kath: [Talking to Kim about going on a date] Oh I dunno, just out for a nice meal somewhere, somewhere a bit special, maybe Chinese.
- Kim: Not that special for 800 million Chinese!
- Kath: Oh zip your lip, Kim.
- Kim: Don't forget your Wartoff, Mum!
- Kath: You're a little B!
- Kath: Oh Kim, I'm very proud to say that last night Kel made me feel more like a woman than I have in a very long time.
- Kim: Not before breakfast, ploise!
- Kath: Oh no Kim, I need to talk about it, you know last night Kel touched me, he touched me in nooks and in unexplored crannies I never knew I had.
- Kim: I want to be effluent, mum, effluent!
- Kath: You are effluent, Kim!
- Sharon: Kim, I think it's nice about your mum and Kel. Don't you think it's nice that she's got a boyfriend? Or are they day factos?
- Kim: Day facto, night facto... the fact that they're facto-ing at all I find repulsive in the extreme.
- Kim: [To viewer] You couldn't ask for a better friend than Sharon. She's one of those people that make you feel better by just being around. You know, by comparison.
- Kim: I'm not a Housewife, I'm a Hornbag
- Kim: I'm not a size 16, Mum. I'm a size 10!
- Kath: Ha! (mutters) Country Roads, size 10!
- Sharon: You know what Mrs. D? I think you should come out!
- Kath: ... I don't think so, Sharon.
- Kim: [To Kath at bridal shop] That could be the theme of your wedding... mutton dressed as lamb!
- Kel: [To Kath, indignant over her coldness after his 'seamans revelation'] Keep Saturday night free, because after that there will be no doubt that I, Kel Graham Knight, am all the man you need!... now, what did I do with my man-bag?
- Kath: [Talking to Kim about her sexuality, believing her to be a lesbian] You're a Dutch sea wall, Kim!
- Kim: [Confused] What?
- Kath: A dyke! On a bike... if you like...
- Kim: Mum, I'm not gay.
- Sharon: Well, if I'm so attractive Kim, how come I can't get a guy?
- Kim: I don't know.
- Kath: Kim, I'll tell you something for nothing, you may eat like a pig, but you're certainly not a dog.
- Kim: Well, if I'm not a dog, how come I've got a bitch for a mother?
- Kath: I heard that.
- Kim: [Talking to Kath about Brett's alleged unfaithfulness] In case you hadn't noticed, I'm an emotional wreck at the moment. My husband has been having it off with not one, but two third parties!
- Sharon: If you need!
- Kim: Bloody Bolton bitches!
- Kim: I'm not as stupid as I look.
- Kath: [Trying to help her daughter to lose weight] Kimmy, Look at moiye, look at moiye, Look at moiye, ploise. Now I've got one word to say to you... Ozone!
- Kim: What?
- Kath: The ozone diet. It's the only way! It's taking Hollywood by storm, Kim. Everybody's on it: Madonna Penn Ritchie, Jennifer Pitt Aniston, Courtney Loves Cox.
- Kim: The ozone diet? What does that pacifically entail?
- Kath: Well, it's air evidently, Kimmy. You eat air for two weeks, and then red meat for two weeks, so it all balances out!
- Kath: Oh, then there is your "welcome mat". (pointing to Kim's lower back)
- Kim: What?
- Kath: Oh, the un-slightly patch of hair just there.
- Kath: Look, I just feel I have so many options, R.E: the venue at the moment; you know I've got 'Big Jugs' on one hand, I've got 'Dirty Nelly's' on the other, and now I've got King Henry VIII constantly on my back!
- Kim: I'm not criticising you, Mum. I'm just saying you look bad!
- Sharon: To be honest, I think you look like mutton dressed as lamb.
- Kath: Well, thank you for noticing Sharon!
- Kath: I told King Henry VIII to get knotted. Me and Kel are happy to do it on the front lawn!
- Kim: Sharon! Treat em' mean, keep them keen!
- Sharon: Well? wouldn't... being nicer be the better way to go?
- Brett: (Talking to Kim about online dating) Why don't you try logging on to WWW dot bretty dot com - hey you, come here! (grabs Kim)
- Kim: Piss off, Brett!
- Kath: No kiss, no coach, no kiss, no coach, it was like a nightmare!
- Kim: Why didn't just kiss him?
- Kath: I really want something elegant, you know. Something, I dont know, maybe a cocktail party. You know, with some hot suggestions.
- Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah! We can have those classy cocktails. I've had them all, Sixtey-Niner, Slow Screw Against The Wall, Sex On The Beach.
- Kath: Yeah? What about an "orgasm"?
- Kim: No, I've never had one of those.
- Kim: Look at me, Mum, don't you think I look like Britney Spears?
- Kath: Yes, you do, you do, you look like her sister, Asparagus. Asparagus Spears, geddit?
- Kim: I've still got a thumping headache. I'm never drinking again.
- Kath: More Bailey's, Kim?
- Kim: Yes, thanks.
The Wedding (1.8)
- Trude: When is the wedding?
- Kath: It's September 18th, 4:45 for a 4:46 start.
- Trude: And where will the wedding be held? Hyatt? Sheraton? Crown Towers?
- Kath: No, it's a garden wedding.
- Trude: Oh beyoushiful, a marquee at the Royal Botanical Garden!
- Kath: Erm, no, a tarpaulin over the clothesline at White Horse Court, Fountain Lakes.
- Trude: <erases her last notation violently> Grayshsh!
- Prue: How about something in your Bodum?
- Kim: I beg yours!
- Prue: A plunger in your Bodum's always nice. And it comes with these matching cups which are cyuuute.
- Kim: Nuh.
- Prue: How about Nigella Oliver's newie? It's the box set! It's got New Food, Screwed Food, Rude Food and Nude Food...
- Kim: Nuh.
- Kath: Do you have flutes in your Orrefors? (pronounced like orifice)
- Trude: Yes! I do.
- Kath: Right, I'll take two of those.
- Kim: Mum, do you want a... threw... for your carch?
- Prue: I was furious, Trude, because she knew we had the Stockbrokers-in-Crisis polo picnic, and we had to make thirty mini goats' cheese pizzas!
- Trude: Why, Flick's like that; she doesn't think! I mean, she and Jeff are grayshsh, and i love seeing them at Noorrsa...
- Prue: Yes, but down here she is just too full-on.
- Trude: Oh, that reminds me -- that little man from Beechtree and Sons is coming over to talk hoihurba.
- Prue: Oh God, I hope he's surba. Oh, we've got stacks of hoihurba left urva from Octurba! (Sees Kath and Kim) You all right there?
- Trude Or are you just happy brahzing?
- Kim: Heres your statue, Mum! (brings in a statue of little baby cheeses)
- Kath: OH! What in the love in God is that?
- Kim: It's the statue you wanted, Mum!
- Kath: No, its not, Kim!
- Kim: Yes, it is! It's a statue of little baby cheeses!
- Kath: Little baby cheeses? Oh, little baby "Jesus", Kim. JESUS! (sighs) Oh, Jesus!
The Announcement (2.1)
- Kim: Oh, give it a bone, Mum.
- Kath: I would, Kim, but you already ate it.
- Kim: For your information, I do have a date. A STICKY DATE!
- Kath: Oh, don't be foul, Kim!
- Kath: What country are you from, Imran? Hmm, mustn't have heard me.
- Kim: Lucky him.
- Kath: Eyes Wide Shut, that was a funny film! Actually I might get that out on DVD...yeah...get me out on myself...
Inside Out (2.2)
- Kath: "Kimmie, look at me. Look at me please. Look at me, look as me. Now, I have one word for you: feng shui."
- Kim: "What?"
- Kath: "You've got your back to the door. It means your enemies can come in at any time and clock you on the head!"
- Kim: "Someone's gonna clock you on the head in a minute."
- Kath: "What was that Kim?"
- Kim: "Nothing, just said we need a clock by the bed."
- Kim: "I was thinking of going with monogamy."
- Kath:"Oh no, Kim, monogamy's very old fashioned. You just want a veneer of monogamy. That's all people care about these days."
The Moon (2.3)
- Kim: What I think? I'll tell you what I think. I think you can stick the A.I.S right up your A.I.S.E.
- Kim: "Mum, look at me. Don't I look like Rachel Hunter?"
- Kath: "Err yeh love... *scratches eyelid*... you look like some sort of Hunter."
- Kim: "Watch and learn, Brett, I'm gonna work the room."
- [glances around]
- Kim: "Kelly, empty glasses here - NOT A GOOD LOOK!"
- [Kim is slightly bumped by one of Brett's co-workers]
- Kim [swiftly turning around]: "I could have you sacked for that!"
- Kim: "Ohhh, so you're the famous Jarred I've heard all about."
- Jarred (smiling): "All good, I hope."
- Kim: "No... I'll have a cardonnay (pronounced kar-doe-nay) thanks Jarred."
- Kim (yoghurt dripping from her mouth down her top): "I'm corporate, I could entertain those dickheads anyday."
- Kim: "I have them eating putty out of my hand!"
My Boyfriend (2.5)
- Kath: (talking on the phone) Oh yes hello Trish? Yes, yes its Kath Day Knight, Um look yeah my phone line is down, well theres something wrong with the phone and I need to be connacted by my local florist at present.
Another Announcement (2.6)
- Kim: If it's not Dotti or Witchery, don't talk to me.
The Shower (2.7)
The Hideous Truth (2.8)
Cactus Hour (3.1)
- Sharon: Kim! You look like a bit of a fashion victim.
- Kim: Thanks Sharon. I do try.
The Mango Espadrille (3.2)
Sitting on a Pile (3.3)
- Bret: Well Kujo says hi.
- Brets Mother: Well darling she's a bitch too.
Kicking up a Stink (3.4)
- Kim: I'm dying in this townhouse.
Hello Nails! (3.5)
- Kath: Hi Sharon, you met a guy!
- Sharan: How'd you know, Mrs. D?
- Kath: Oh, I can feel it in me waters!
- Kim: Who is this so called "guy"? He's not a bloody doctor, is he?
- Kath: Hallelujah! The droughts broken!
- Kim: Well, I wouldn't open my flood gates yet.
High and Dry (3.6)
- Brett: Well, there it is. I know it's the worst house, but it's on the best street. It's what you're supposed to buy.
- Kim: No, you've got it all wrong. You're supposed to buy the best house on the worst street, 'cause then you can lord it over people.
- Brett: I don't want to lord it over people.
- Kim: Well, doesn't that just sum it up, Acting Assistant Deputy Sales Manager in Charge of Software. Wow, I'm impressed... not.
- Kim: What about me? I'm stuck at home with Epponnee on my face, mum on my back and Kel up my goat. How would you like it?
- Brett: Don't get all pussy-bum on me.
- Kim: I'm just bored, Brett. Bored stupid.
- Kath: Frankly, these days a spa pool is essential if you're going to over-capitalize.
- Kim: It's beautiful! It's got a gym, a pool and a mezza-noyne.
- Kath: A mezza-noyne?!
- Together: It's noyce, it's diff'rent, it's un-ewes-ual, yes, a mezza-noyne.
- Kath: [To Kel, upon hearing that they've been chosen to star in an adult diapers commercial] You wouldn't believe the money, Kel, they're talking THREE figures!
- Kath: What are you reading there, Kim?
- Kim: The Da Vinci Code, I'm reading it to Epponnee as a bedtime story.
- Kath: Oh, yes, I'm reading that, but I'm reading the abridged version. It's called the Eensie-Weensie Da Vinci Code.
- Kim: Mum, why is there barely any water in here?
- Kath: Well it's a drought Kim! Phase 2 at the moment!
- Kim: Oh, just fill it up -- I would!
- Kath: No Kim! The farmers! [quietly] Actually Kim, Kel did fill it up the other day but bozzo next door dobbed us in.
- Kim: So what are we sitting in now?
- Kath: This is grey water, it's washing up water.
- Kim: [takes sponge out of water and throws it on ground] Ewwww! Mum!
- Kath: Well Kim, that's what we're reduced to, thanks to -- [neighbour sticky-beaks] Oh yes! Having a good butcher's, are we? No, don't try and hide! We can see you!
- Kim: We can see you!
Foxy on the Run (3.7)
- Kim: [To Kylie Minogue] Let's celebrate! Would you like a car-donnay, Kylie?
- Kath: Stewpid girl, Kim. It's not car-donnay, the correct pronunciation is shah-donnay.
- Kim: Mum, it's French, the haitch is silent. Back me up, here, Kylie!
- Kylie: Yeah, she's right, Mrs. D., I've been to Paris, and h is silent, it's car-donnay.
- Kath: Well, excuse me for living, Kylie.
- Sharon: Where pacifically in the specific were you gonna go, Mrs D.?
99% Fat Free (3.8)
- Kel: What is so wrong with two baby-boomers getting it on for a photo while we're still both incredibly fit?
- Kath: [After Kel experiences heartburn masquerading as angina.] Well, you heard what Dr. Ng said. Gotta go all low-fat from now on. Gotta watch your cholesterol. I mean, I don't want you pushing up the daisies just when I'm smelling the roses.
- Kel: It'll be good for us, and I can afford to lose a few kilos. We can see it as a bit of a challenge.
- Kath: Yeah! It'll be something to do, won't it, doll? Oh goodie! I feel a bit energized by your near-death experience.
- Kim: Mum, your pants are split.
- Kath: Oh, no, I just bought these lovely latte capris. They must have shrunk in the wash.
- Kim: No, I think this time you're the one stacking on the kilos! I think for once, the mule is on the other foot.
- Kath: You're the mule, you stupid girl.
- Brett: "(talking about Epponnee) She could be prime minister..."
- Kim: "I'm thinking bigger than that, Brett. She could be on Neighbours!"
- Kim: [In a flash-forward 20 years, to an offscreen Epponnee-Rae.] Epponnee, hurry up! And don't forget your fake-tan.
- Kim: Epponnee, Silver Lady Coaches called. The flying saucers are going to be here any minute!
- Kath: Awww, little Epponnee-Rae, it's alright darling, Epponnee Raelene Charlene Kathleen Darlene Craig. You are getting more and more like your boo-tiful granny as the days go by. Look at her hair, Kimmie, it's getting a nice frizz to it!
- Kim: Oh, don't wish that on her! Although, I do think, luckily, personality-wise she's going to be like me.
- Brett: [In a flash-forward, to his daughter Epponnee, played by Kylie Minogue, on her wedding day] You look like a fairy-tale princess, Epps!
- Epponnee: Tell me something I don't know, Dad!
- Sharon: I think you look really gorgeous, Epps.
- Epponnee: Well, you're only hyew-man!!
Da Kath and Kim Code (2005 telemovie)
- Kim: Sharon! What have you come as?
- Sharon: Well, this is my Polish national costume, Kim -- why?
- Kim: No! I said pole dancing!
- Sharon: Well I'm a Pole, Kim! Strzelecki. Well, half a Pole anyway, on my dad's side.
- Kim: NO! Sexy dancing with a pole!
- Sharon: Well, that sounds a bit stupid, Kim.
- Kim: Oh, it's stupid, is it? So are the people on Big Brother stupid? 'Cause they all do pole dancing.
- Kath: I wouldn't be playing the cold shoulder all too often with Brett, you know, Kim. The way he's presenting himself at the moment, he's a most irresistible package.
- Kim: Mum, Brett is not having an affair. Why would he go for fillet steak when he's got sausage meat at home? (Receives a text from Sharon telling her about Brett kissing Kelly) Brett had fillet steak last night!
- Kim: Stupid Sharon! (To Epponnee Rae) Mummy is a hornbag, isn't she?
- Epponnee Rae: Nuh...
- Kim: You little b - (brightens) You said your first word!