Rude, crude and very, very loud, Frank Rizzo is a angry Italian New Yorker. He's been a salesman, an insulator, and a game show casting director, among other things. He's also the owner of Frank's Pickle Barrel-ass, a pickle joint in Maspeth. Played by: Johnny B.
- From "Car Salesman":
Rizzo: "I grabbed some guy, he's ahh, you know, he don't know if he wants to buy, I push his face right in the fucking hood; you know, 'You buy this fuckin car or I'll break your fuckin head.' I had problems over there Paul.
Paul: Well, it sounds to me like if you did that you'd have problems anywhere.
Rizzo: Ahh! You know, it's hard times. These fuckers, they gotta buy. I need, you know, I need dough like anyone."
- "You know how when a dog is crippled you put his back legs in a wheelchair? I think Willie the Jackass really puts a smile on kids' faces. I drag the ass-end of the costume around the park cause I ain't got nobody to fill that spot. The back legs are crippled." (from "Willie the Jackass")
- "What's so silly about the pizza?" (from "Silly Food")
- "Me, I don't give a fuck. You know, a hole's a hole. As long as there's a little heat in there I don't give a fuck." (from "Testing for Jeopardy")
- "You sound like you got a nice pair of them fuckin' balogna tits on ya, huh Willy?" (from "Testing for Jeopardy")
- "How many pits are in a pear?" "Aah, two." "You know damn well there's much more than 2 pits in a pear." (from "Testing for Jeopardy")
- "If you can't whip out answers like that, that man (Alex Trebeck) is liable to, during a commercial break, punch your fuckin' mouth loose!" (from "Testing for Jeopardy")
- "How do ya say there, bottlenose?" (from "Hucklebuck")
- "Whatever you need sold I'll sell it. Bring in a tank and I'll sell the fuckin thing." (from "Car Salesman")
- "How the hell am I gonna see the company name when I'm busy rolling underneath the fucking truck? I can give you serial numbers, that's the best I can do for you, for christ sakes, the goddamn gear box crushing me in the ground, and you're asking me for the fuckin-the name of the business? What do I look like, a... a tomcat? a nightcrawler?" (from "1-800-How's My Driving")
- "Why don't I come down there and read that book with you? I can pet you, feel you up like you're my little turtle." (from "Super Gay")
- "GET BRETT WEIR I SAID!!!!" (from "Super Across the Way")
- "My wife's up there (on the roof) poking around like she knows what the fuck she's doing, I fired her ass off onto the fuckin car." (from "Roofing")
- "I got me a funny little drinking problem." (from "Drinking Problem")
- "Some guy told me I parked to close to his car - I busted his jaw for him." (from "Drinking Problem")
- "(to receptionist) I got a little side job for you, honey. Get me someone I can talk to. I'm a very busy man!" (from "Diamond Dealer")
- "(to a diamond dealer) I got some stones I wanna get rid of. I whacked a fucker out last night and I need to get rid of these stones."(from "Diamond Dealer")
- "And he's got this silly looking Santa hat on, next thing he's down at my pants. He's trying to pull the fuckin', the balls outta my pants!" (from "Santa's Delivery")
- From "1000 Chickens Trilogy":
Frank I'm having a party, I need to get me some chickens. I need a lot of chickens.
Salesman (sarcastically) What do you need, like a thousand chickens?
Frank A thousand? What is a thousand? I need at least two thousand chickens.
Salesman Sir, this isn't Perdue. These are live chickens.
Frank They're live chickens, so what? There a problem with that? I'll come down there and hack the bitches to death myself.
- From "Nam Hu":
Frank Yeah let me speak to Nam Hu.
Receptionist Who is calling?
Frank Nam Hu.
Receptionist Who is calling?
Frank My name is Nam Hu.
Receptionist (pause) Hold on.
Nam Hu Hello?
Frank Hello, is this Nam?
Nam Hu Yes.
Frank Nam who?
Nam Hu Yes.
Frank You're saying yes, I'm asking you- Nam WHO?
Nam Hu My name is Nam Hu.
Frank God bless you.
Frank's Nicknames for People:
- Sweet Charlie
- Sweet tits
- Bologna tits
- Salami tits
- Liver lips
- Tough Guy
- Happy ass
- Butt Nut
- Fuck Face
- Milky Licker
Sol is whiny, paranoid, most totally Jewish, and frightened by his own shadow. Played by: Johnny B.
- "And he invited me fishing and he whipped me with the rods"
- "God help us, Jesus, God and BABY Jesus help us." (from "Sol's Phobia")
- "He says terrible things on the airwaves"
- "Can't you see how evil and vicious you're being towards me?"
- "We call her Gimpy. That's not very nice but...what's she gonna do about it?" (from "Sol's Turnstile")
- "I'm Gary Dell'Abate's mom. This is his mom." (from "Bright")
- "It's not right what you did to my beautiful horse-faced boy! I'm gonna come down there and kick you in your cunt you sick bitch!" (from "Bright")
- Sol: Hello, I bought glasses there, my name is Sol Rosenberg.
Sol: And my eyes are going crazy.
Optometrist: Okay. Let me pull your file. Hold on..
Sol: Okay, thank you
Optometrist: Hello, did you go to the Empire State Building?
Sol: I went to the Empire State Building and I can't see so good...
Optometrist: Would you like to come see us?
Sol: I went to the observatory and, because of these glasses, I can't see, Goddamn it.
Optometrist: Okay, would you like to come in and see us?
Sol: Sure. Okay
Optometrist: We're at 30 East 60th Street.
Sol: 35 78th Street, Ok.
Optometrist: No, no..30..three zero
Optometrist: East 60th Street.
Sol: Alright. And should I bring all my glasses with me?
Optometrist: Do you need an examination?— Mr. Rosenberg, do you need an examination?
Optometrist: Do you need an examination?
Optometrist: Yeah, alright. Do you need an appointment?
Sol: Right. And I'll bring all my shoes and my glasses with me... so I have them.
Optometrist: Mr. Rosenberg?
Optometrist: Do you need...do you want to see the opthamologist?
Optometrist: Do you need an appointment?
Sol: I'm sorry.
Optometrist: Do you need an appointment?
Optometrist: Okay, hold on, I'll have my girl make an appointment for you to see the doctor. Okay, do you have the address?
Sol: Fantastic then.
Optometrist: Do you have the address?
Optometrist: What's the... what room?
Sol: I don't know...you say 35-8-7?
Optometrist: No. 30 East 60 th Street
Sol: 30 East 50 th Street Okay. Thank you.
Optometrist: Do you need an appointment? hold on.....
Tarbash, the Egyptain Magician, has a very feeble grasp on our language...but don't tell him that. Played by: Kamal
- "...then I woke up with my pants unbuttoned." (from "Dental Malpractice")
- "What do you cuss at me for, I need your help." (from "Pizza Lawyer")
- "He took foot and hit my ear!" (from "Pizza Lawyer")
- "I fill balloons up with deadly poison gas and then float them out over the audience." (from "Egyptian Magician")
- "I need you to come RIGHT NOW and sweep all these beer bottles, all from my floor." (from "Little Elf")
- From "Egyptian Magician":
Tarbash: Then I punch my chest...and it disappears, into the crowd!
Nightclub Manager Lady: You punch your chest and it disappears into the crowd...that's it?
- Tarbash: "What does 'iconoclast' mean?"
Diane the Flower Lady: "I don't know."
Tarbash: "Then I speak English better than you. It means breaker of idols, icons. Iconoclast."
Diane the Flower Lady: "It's not a word."
- Tarbash: "You know when you get out of the bath and your skin is nice and...open? You ever feel that way? I feel very open today, very much open."
Diane the Flower Lady: "I'll tell you what's open is your ASS!"
Tarbash: "That is open, too."
Prancing and effeminate, Jack Tors is among the Jerky Boys' most popular characters. He's extremely vain, and is always searching for ways to improve both his looks and his bizarre "act"- which consists of setting himself on fire, wrapping his friends in plastic, and beating a spider monkey... among other things. Owner of Jack's Pickles and Penis Pumps, where a small box of potatoes costs $2,000. Played by: Johnny B.
- "We have a little emergency here....We were boiling some potatoes and we dip them in vaseline, and shoot them at each other, and Peter was looking back making sure it was lined up with his ass, and it shot him right in the fucking eye!!"( from "Tennis Ball Machine")
- "I put a little ballerina skirt on the monkey and I beat him into oblivion. The crowd seems to love this." (from "The Gay Model")
- "I'm also known for pulling large pieces of furniture from my ass. I'm the best." (from "The Gay Model")
- "You're a little early, and that is very presumptuous on your part." (from "Flower Lady #2)
- "I seem to be breaking balls or something." (from "The Need to Dance")
- "I need to dance, you fucker, don't you see it? I need to dance. And I'll tell you, I'm gonna dance all over you, you scumbag. I'm gonna do a dance right in your fucking ass. Are you crazy? You fuck." (from "The Need to Dance")
- "They're very, very small, almost microscopic. You can barely see them with the naked eye. As a matter of fact you may need a penis pump to see these damn things." (from "I Pickle They")
- "I'm only scarred about the face, breast, chest, neck, and head. Other than that I look fine - a little makeup conceals everything." (from "The Gay Model")
- "Runway is just old hat to me, sweetheart." (from "The Gay Model")
- "I wanted to move my penis around to the back side of my ass, because I don't know which way I'm swinging just yet. But I'd like to keep it just in case." (from "Breast Enlargement")
- "Is the Fat Muffin Man there?" (from "Paradise")
- "I smell bacon. Do you smell bacon?" (from "Bacon")
- "I'm his partner, I'm his lover for three years, don't you think I would know about the wedding? I mean what's the story?" (from "Flower Lady #2")
- "Harry loves schmaltz, is there something wrong with that? He makes perhaps the best schmaltz I've ever had." (from "Flower Lady #2")
- "Listen, he carved out a hole in the middle of the floor and he's building you a volcano. That's all I know. And you're supposed to come down with your flowers and make sacrificial offerings. And he's supposed to throw you into the volcano. This is all I understand." (from "Flower Lady #2)
- "I'll come down there and I'll slap your face." (from "Moonlight Matinee")
- "(talking to a man in Florida, New York) Shit, I didn't know New York had a Florida. That doesn't sound right. I don't think you know geography very well, you're being silly." (from "Florida, the Tropical State")
- "We're casting for flat-chested tap-dancing freaks." (from "Diva")
- "What I would do was I'd shoot people's heads up with Novocaine and carve grooves in their skulls." (from "The Gay Hairdresser")
- "This one time I gave this guy a haircut he didn't like, he kicked my fucking ass all over." (from "The Gay Hairdresser")
- "As long as my appearance wouldn't startle you- I'm carved from head to toe." (from "The Gay Hairdresser")
- "I'll bring my children over, I carved the shit outta their heads too, but it looks good." (from "The Gay Hairdresser")
- "My lover fell asleep with a cigarette in the bed and burned up all my ass and legs." (from "The Mattress King")
- "We really rock the house." (from "The Mattress King")
- "I heard that they hang you upside down and kick your face out the back of your ass. I also heard there's a little room where they heat up hot bacon grease and fire it all over the face" (from "Facelift Without Surgery")
- "I"m constantly slugging myself in the genitals." (from "Breast Enlargement")
Kissel is a veteran. He loves his wife, his grandson, and down pillows. Played by: Kamal
Kissel: I just need someone to help me, like, dress up.
Lady: No, this is a dresser, with drawers in it.
Kissel: No no, I don't need no help with my drawers, I'm married, no thank you.
- "Hey! Get back to work before I give you a beating!" (from "Pico's Mexican Hairpiece")
- "Now my wife don't like them prices you gotta do better than that. I'm a veteran" (from "Kissel Sails")
- "I used to be a seaman. Now I just put it all over my wife's ass." (from "Kissel Sails")
- "I used to bang broads like they were going outta style. Back in the old days you could bang 'em for about--10 at a time for a dime. We used to even make songs about it. (sings) Ten at a time for a dime, ten at a time for a DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME." (from "Kissel Sails")
- From "Kissel Crooner":
Music Instructor: Can you sight read while singing a piece of music?
Kissel: I play th' pianah.
- "You know what they say- what's good for the goose is good for my grandkids." (from "Duck Cleaning")
TV Repairman: What kind of TV is it?
Kissel:It's the kind of TV you watch shows on!
Wiry Pico always seems to be one step removed from reality. And he likes to shoot things and get harassed by Kissel. He's forever weaving in and out of his native Spanish. Played by: Johnny B.
- "Hey, who in the fuck are you? You're a liar!" (from "Pico's Mexican Hairpiece")
- "Who in the hell ARE you?" (from "Meriposa")
- "I shot a motherfucker in the face." (from "Mariposa")
- "It's time for siesta, you're being silly. Bye!" (from "Mariposa")
Rosine likes balloons. And swimming. And...lobsters. Played by: Johnny B.
- "Do you have any lobsters?" (from "Rosine Like Balloons")
- "I don't even eat that shit, I lick that shit, and then I slappeded that shit right off my table." (from "Rosine Like Balloons" when referring to the lobsters)
- "You do have any balloons that I can touch and lick?" (from "Rosine Like Balloons")
- "I wanna be a swimmah, a big time swimmah with my legs in the air." (from "Synchronized Swimming")
- "See that shit, I play the flute too, in more ways than one too." (from Signin')
- -What's the apartment number?- "1F." -S as in Sam?- "No F as in fuck baby." (from Signin')
- "Bye-bye baby bitch." (from Signin')
Nikos, the owner of Nikos's deli. Mixes English in a heavy Greek accent with phrases in Greek-sounding gibberish to confuse victims. Played by: Johnny B.
- "Hello Sam? What are you doing?" (from "Bad Tomatoes")
- "The tomatoes supposed to have them by seven and a half! Is Nikos!" (from "Bad Tomatoes")
- "Hey Baba stop playing you break-a the window! Go play down the block!.... Motherfucker! SAM!" (from "Bad Tomatoes")
- "He try to sell-a me the corn on the cock, I don't need dis sol-a-bunasco talabas!!" (from "Bad Tomatoes")
Big Ole Badass Bob the Cattle Rustler
He does EVERYTHING big! Sounds a bit like Foghorn Leghorn. Played by: Johnny B.
- "Don't get smart with me, woman. I'll come down there and split an ear off you."
- "Now I'm gonna be inclined to come down there and give you a shoe in the ass, honey."
- "Dammit, woman, you're not listening to me."
- "If I didn't know any better I'd say you was a regular jackass!"
- "I drive them big eighteen-wheelers, that's all. I'm an old cattle rustler... I'm an old dancing boy."
Mike...is strange. Very strange. And a bit forgetful. Played by: Johnny B.
- "You know I got a parrot, a bird, this fuckin bird says hi to me all the time. More than you're doing. Fuckin bird says, 'Hi there, sir, hello. Had a nice day? Wanna fuck me in the ass a little?' I don't know where he picks up that bad language from." (from "Hello Ray")
Mike Yeah, hi honey- you remove dead pets?
Mike Dead pet removal.
Woman (confused) Dead pet removal? Is that what you said?
Mike Yeah, do you remove dead pets?
Woman What kind of pet are you talking about?
Mike This is a little embarassing, but I fell asleep on a park bench and a pigeon seems to've flown up into my ass and died.
Woman No, I'm sorry...
Mike Christ, honey this thing is killing me. I can't walk around like this, it's already dead too, three weeks in there.
- "Hurry up." (-any character being told to "please hold")
See also Kerpal