Hogan's Heroes

Hogan's Heroes was an American television situation comedy that ran from September 17, 1965 to July 4, 1971 on the CBS network for 168 episodes. Starring Bob Crane as Colonel Robert Hogan, the show was set in a German prisoner of war (POW) camp for Western Allied prisoners during World War II.

Season 1Edit

Hold That Tiger [1.02]Edit

Schultz: (After Hogan revealing Newkirk in a Gestapo uniform)What a relief, if the Gestapo...Colonel Hogan...what is he doing in a uniform! Colonel Hogan please, oohhh you went to far. I must report this, it would be worth my life if I do not report this.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's only until tomorrow, then he's gonna take it off again.
Schultz: Aahhh.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: After he steals the tank.
Schultz: Ohh...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: From the Panzer division.
Schultz: Oohhh...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And brings it here into the barracks.
Schultz: Oh I see nothing. I was not here. I did not even get up this morning!

Schultz: Eine, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben...acht...neun...zehn...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Elf is next, eleven, Schultz.
Schultz: I know how to count.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: So do many of the young guards, I think it's how they're taught.

[General Hofstader gets out of his staff car and marches over to Klink.]
Colonel Klink: What an honor to have you here —
General Hofstader: Where is my tank, Klink?
Colonel Klink: Hasn't it come back yet?
General Hofstader: No. Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners. I see no riot, I see no tank! All I see is a Colonel about to become Corporal!
Colonel Klink: Please, General — it will turn up! I have searched the barracks, the surrounding areas, the prisoners—
General Hofstader: [sarcastically]: The prisoners? Nobody had it in his pocket?! We are talking about a Tiger tank Klink!! Not a toy dump truck!
Klink:(Shaking his head)

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Col. Klink: It is impossible to hide a tank! Therefore I suspect you! (in regards to Col. Hogan and his men hiding the Tiger tank)

Kommandant of the Year [1.03]Edit

Col. Klink: Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.
Schultz: Me, too, Herr Komman…
[Klink gets up.]
Col. Klink: I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.
Schultz: Boy, are you running the camp!

The Late Inspector General [1.04]Edit

Klink: I am well aware, Colonel Hogan, there is nothing you and your men would not do to try to undermine my position, even to have me replaced.
Hogan: Replace you, are you kidding? We'd do anything to keep you here.

[After Kinchloe switches on a tape of a BBC broadcast in the presence of Klink, Schultz, and the Inspector General von Platzen.]
Klink: Schultz! Where is that radio?
Schultz: They didn't tell me!
Klink: Find it at once!
Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Klink: [as the Schultz and the other guards search] Hogan! Where does that voice come from?
Hogan: From the accent, I'd say England.

The Flight of the Valkyrie [1.05]Edit

[Hogan brings in a "disguised" woman in male uniform.]
Schultz: Where did she come from? Don't tell me, but wherever it was, put her back!

The Prisoner's Prisoner [1.06]Edit

Schmidt: What is it you want?
Hogan: Cleveland.
Schmidt: Cleveland?
Hogan: I want to be Burgermeister. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, sir. I'll be loyal. One set of books.

Hogan: If the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the American prisoners have a German prisoner? If we're wrong, what are they gonna do, lock us up?

German Bridge is Falling Down [1.07]Edit

Hogan: We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.
Newkirk: What do you mean by that?
Hogan: It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.

Klink: Bribe me, eh? I will throw them in the cooler for life. Even after the war. Even if we lose!

Klink: If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing. You - are - ignorant.
Schultz: Oh, I can handle that.
Klink: I know.

Schultz: [reading graffiti] "Hess is a mess." "Himmler is a rat fink." "Göring is a fat rat fink." [starts laughing] "Colonel Klink is bucking for rat fink!"

Hogan: [walks over with Klink to the ammunitions building; the painting has blurred the graffiti very little after being watered] You ordered us the paint the building; we painted it!
Klink: Colonel Hogan, this is not what I had in mind. I can still read those insults. Now, you will paint it again, and again, if necessary, until those insulting statements are gone. Now, PAINT IT! [storms away]
Hogan: [to the Allied POWs] All right, fellas, you heard the Kommandant. Now, let's get it right!

[sometime later, Hogan walks back over with Klink to the ammunitions building; Klink is horrified]

Klink: [tantruming] NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! [the building is now pink] A pink building on a military establishment? Are you mad?! If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.
Hogan: Come on, Colonel. It's about time we got a little color into the war. Everything's so drab.

Movies Are Your Best Escape [1.08]Edit

Hogan: Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?
Carter: Reversible tie pins. On one side it says "Heil Hitler". On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war".

Go Light on the Heavy Water [1.09]Edit

[Hogan is kissing Helga.]
Helga: Mmm, you smell good.
Hogan: The boys whipped up a little aftershave.
[Kisses her again.]
Helga: It's very exciting.
Hogan: It's called "unconditional surrender".

Top Hat, White Tie and Bomb Sight [1.10]Edit

Hogan: Newkirk, what about a civilian suit this time for me?
Newkirk: Righto, guv'nor, you got it.
Hogan: Good. 'Civilian.' What a beautiful word. Next to 'girls.'
Newkirk: Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames?
Hogan: Of course I do, but I fight it.

Burkhalter: Now let me see what we can do with Colonel Hogan.
Klink: I will have him brought here and we will start strenuous interrogation at once.
Burkhalter: Klink, you are not only irresistible, but you are also very subtle.
Klink: Thank you, sir!
Burkhalter: Like a broken leg.

Happiness is a Warm Sergeant [1.11]Edit

Klink: Don't you give me any credit for having any brains?
Hogan: I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.

Schultz:(In the barracks after finishing his patrol punishment)One thing I don't understand...How could I get so drunk on one glass of beer?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Never drink on an empty stomach Schultz.
Schultz: You call this empty.(Referring to his belly)

Carter: Cheer up Schultz. Maybe they'll send you to a good post.
Schultz: Well maybe they're going to send me to the Russian Front.
Carter: Well if they transfer you close to home, you'll be able to see your wife more often.
Schultz: All of a sudden the Russian Front sounds very good.

The Scientist [1.12]Edit

Hogan: Colonel, you worry too much.
Klink: I worry? Huh. Your life is easy. You're only a prisoner of war.

Hogan: Didn't you learn anything from DuBois?
LeBeau: Well, most of the time we just made crepes suzettes.

Hogan's Hofbrau [1.13]Edit

Oil For The Lamps Of Hogan [1.14]Edit

Reservations Are Required [1.15]Edit

Anchors Aweigh, Men Of Stalag 13 [1.16]Edit

Happy Birthday, Adolf [1.17]Edit

The Gold Rush [1.18]Edit

Hogan: You know that picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware?
Klink: Yes, I'm familiar with that picture.
Hogan: This ain't it.

Hello, Zolle [1.19]Edit

It Takes A Thief...Sometimes [1.20]Edit

The Great Impersonation [1.21]Edit

The Pizza Parlor [1.22]Edit

Hogan:: LeBeau, how are you on pizza?
LeBeau:: Pizza?! You would ask a Frenchman to cook a piece of cardboard with tomato sauce?
Hogan:: We swear not to tell anybody.
LeBeau: Ask me to dig a tunnel, yes. To climb a barbed wire, yes. But to make a pizza, no.
Hogan: We all have to make sacrifices.

Klink: Let me remind you, Colonel Hogan, that the Italians are on our side.
Hogan: Don't remind me, remind them.

The 43rd, A Moving Story [1.23]Edit

How to Cook A German Goose With Radar [1.24]Edit

Psychic Kommandant [1.25]Edit

The Prince From The Phone Company [1.26]Edit

The Safecracker Suite [1.27]Edit

I Look Better In Basic Black [1.28]Edit

The Assassin [1.29]Edit

Cupid Comes To Stalag 13 [1.30]Edit

The Flame Grows Higher [1.31]Edit

Request Permission To Escape [1.32]Edit

Season 2Edit

Hogan Gives A Birthday Party [2.01]Edit

The Schultz Brigade [2.02]Edit

Hogan: Let's face it Klink, you blew the ball game!
Klink: You're right Hogan, I blew it.
Hogan: Sweetest setup in the whole German Army, and you wanted to be a general!
Klink: Hogan, every man in my class has made general!
Hogan: How many have been killed in action?
Klink: Quite a few.
Hogan: How many have been shot by the Führer?
Klink: Quite a few more.

Diamonds In The Rough [2.03]Edit

Operation Briefcase [2.04]Edit

The Battle Of Stalag 13 [2.05]Edit

Colonel Klink: Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian front, today it looks like paradise. Hogan, what am I going to do?

[Hogan looks down at his watch]

Colonel Hogan: Put your fingers in your ears.

[In the distance there is an explosion, Hogan drops casually while Klink and Schultz drop to ground cowering]

Colonel Klink: What was that?!
Colonel Hogan: Sounded like a staff car blowing up.

[In the distance there is a second explosion]

Colonel Hogan: Coincidence, another staff car blowing up."
Colonel Klink: You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?
Colonel Hogan: It's obvious sir, the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.
Colonel Klink: Do you expect me to believe that?
Colonel Hogan: No sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.

The Rise And Fall Of Sergeant Schultz [2.06]Edit

Hogan Springs [2.07]Edit

A Klink, A Bomb And A Short Fuse [2.08]Edit

Tanks For The Memory [2.09]Edit

A Tiger Hunt In Paris, Part 1 [2.10]Edit

[Col. Backscheider of the Gestapo and two agents, Muller and Sonntag, kick in the door of Hogan's hotel room]

Backscheider: You will consider yourself under arrest.
Hogan: Champagne?
Backscheider: I will question you here. If your answers are not satisfactory, you will be taken to where the atmosphere is more conductible to getting at the truth.
Hogan: That sounds fair.
Backscheider: I am not concerned with being fair. Muller, Sonntag.

[Backscheider's men begin to search the hotel room]

Hogan: Are you sure you won't have some champagne?
Backscheider: Research done by the Third Reich shows that champagne shrivels the Achilles tendons.
Hogan: Really?
Backscheider: The French foot soldier was only able to march seven-tenths of a mile... before collapsing.
Hogan: Poor devils.
Backscheider: I think it has attacked your brain. You are obviously an American, yet you openly rent a large suite in the best hotel in Paris, in the middle of a war... almost inviting a call from the Gestapo!
Hogan: You were very prompt. My congratulations.
Backscheider: [Puzzled] You wanted a call from the Gestapo?

[Hogan has convinced Backscheider he is actually Sgt. Frank Derkin, an escaped POW-turned-black market dealer; they are talking in Backscheider's office]

Hogan: Look... I was able to get a good deal on some caviar. I could arrange to cut you in if you could help transport it to Paris.
Backscheider: Every inch of carloading is needed for the German war effort!
Hogan: You were in for fifty percent.
Backscheider: [Surprised] I will see what I can do.

A Tiger Hunt In Paris, Part 2 [2.11]Edit

[Backscheider, distrustful of 'Derkin', has bugged the hotel room phone]
Hogan: Derkin here.
Newkirk: [As Himmler]My dear Derkin! This is Heinrich Himmler, how are you?
[In another room, the Gestapo men stiffen in fear; as Reichsfuehrer-SS Himmler was one of the most feared men in Nazi Germany]
Hogan: Oh, fine, just fine. You enjoyed the caviar? Oh, I'm glad. Hey, I was able to get a special deal for you- about three tons. Ah, we can talk about that when you get here.
Newkirk: Yes... I will be arriving tomorrow morning, about 10. By fighter plane. Don't trust my pilot. Ja, there has been too many 'accidents' on our transports.
Hogan: Inhuman! I'll meet you at the airport, about 10. Oh, and, uh, about Colonel Backscheider...
Newkirk: What about him?
Hogan: Oh, I put my foot in it. I mentioned you were coming to Paris, but I didn't tell him when.
Newkirk: Tell him nothing! If he has one single ounce of brains- which I doubt- he will find out that I'm coming in. Und be at the airport with his entire staff lined up in review. And if not- eh! One more bungler down the well.
Hogan: Oh, I'm really sure he'll be there. I'll meet you at the airport tomorrow. Oh, and thanks for the call, Heinrich.
[In another room, Backscheider puts down the listening device's headphones]
Backscheider: He called him Heinrich!

[At Gestapo headquarters, Antonovitch, a White Russian acting as Himmler, is touring the cells; on Backscheider's orders, Muller is trying to stall for time]
Muller: Herr Reichsfuehrer, if we only wait until Colonel Backscheider gets back...
Antonovitch: He is on the way?
Muller: Oh, yes, sir!
Antonovitch: Well, hurry!
[As the group passes by Klink's cell, Klink addresses Muller and spots Hogan, who quickly moves out of sight]
Col. Klink: Oh, Captain Muller, excuse me... Colonel Hogan? I thought I saw Colonel Hogan.

[Antonovitch is now standing directly in front of Klink's cell]

Antonovitch: Do I look like a 'Colonel Hogan'?
Col. Klink: Oh, no, sir! Not at all! It's just that since I've been to Paris, I seem to only see and hear... [Laughs nervously, then looks to Muller] This wouldn't be Reichsfuehrer Himmler! [Looks back to 'Himmler', suddenly very nervous] Would it?
Antonovitch: Who is this man?
Muller: Ex-Commandant Klink, your excellency, from Stalag 13. Suspected of complicity in the Tiger matter.
Col. Klink: Your excellency, I am completely innocent! All I've done- with the exception of some harmless delusions- all I've done is come to Paris on my seven-day leave and never had such misery, sir. Never.
Antonovitch: When is your leave up?
Col. Klink: Tomorrow, sir!
Antonovitch: [To Muller] Let him out.
Col. Klink: Oh, thank you, sir! Your reputation for generosity and fairness-
Muller: Let him out?!
Antonovitch: Tomorrow.

Will The Real Adolf Please Stand Up? [2.12]Edit

Don't Forget To Write [2.13]Edit

Klink's Rocket [2.14]Edit

Information Please [2.15]Edit

You suspect Klink of Disloyalty?

Burkhalter: Disloyalty? No. Stupidity, yes.

Art For Hogan's Sake [2.16]Edit

The General Swap [2.17]Edit

The Great Brinksmeyer Robbery [2.18]Edit

Praise The Führer And Pass The Ammunition [2.19]Edit

Hogan And The Lady Doctor [2.20]Edit

The Swing Shift [2.21]Edit

Heil Klink [2.22]Edit

[Hogan his hiding a scientist who wants to defect to the Allies in Klink's office, having fooled Klink and his staff into believing it is Hitler, taking refuge from an assassination attempt. Major Hochstetter knows it's the doctor, but this only makes him look like an assassin to Klink]

Col. Klink: [Standing outside the closed office door] Your excellency, I had no idea! A promotion? To Berlin?!
Carter: [As Hitler] You still have no idea. Listen carefully. In my inner circle I can trust no one. Himmler will double-cross me like a shot, Goebbels' eyes are too close together, and Goering is too fat! Never trust a fat man, Klink!
Col. Klink: Indeed, your excellency! Never trust a fat man!
Carter: But I am getting tired of my burden. There is no gratitude. In a few weeks, I will appoint a successor. The one man in the whole miserable Third Reich who has proven worthy of my trust! YOU, Klink!

[Klink's knees buckle, and Hogan has to catch him from falling]

Col. Klink: Your excellency. I will try to be worthy of it! Heil Hitler!

[Major Hochstetter returns to Stalag 13, demanding that Klink surrender the man in hiding. For possibly the first time, Klink is entirely sure of himself]
Major Hochstetter: Well, now, Klink, are you ready to hand him over to me?
Colonel Klink: Major Hochstetter! A new order is coming, a new order! One which will sweep vermin like you into the delousing station of history!

[Hochstetter stares at him, too stunned and furious to speak]

Colonel Klink: You are under arrest. Schultz!

[Schultz looks at Klink, surprised]

Major Hochstetter: You are mad, Klink!
Col. Klink: Take him away!

[Hochstetter storms off; Klink begins pacing the yard, strutting confidently]

Everyone Has A Brother-In-Law [2.23]Edit

Killer Klink [2.24]Edit

Reverend Kommandant Klink [2.25]Edit

The Most Escape-Proof Camp I've Ever Escaped From [2.26]Edit

Season 3Edit

Season 4Edit

Season 5Edit

The Kommandant Dies at DawnEdit

Schultz: My Herr Ex-Kommandant!
Klink: What is it, Schultz?
Schultz: I have good news and bad news.
Hogan: Give him the good news first, Schultz.
Schultz: They ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning.
Klink: That's good news?! What's the bad news?!
Schultz: They're not giving you a blindfold.
Hogan: It's hard to believe, even for the Gestapo.
Schultz: They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad.
Klink: Ha! They'll never get any volunteers from my men!
Schultz: I beg to report Herr Kommandant, they did.
Klink: How many volunteered?
Schultz: Seventy-six.
Hogan: How many men do you have?
Schultz: Eighty-two.
Klink: At least six of my men are loyal.
Schultz: No, Herr Komandant. Two are in the hospital and four are on furlough.
Hogan: Well that makes it unanimous.
Klink: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We only have EIGHTY men!
Schultz: Not counting the two deserters. But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot.

Season 6Edit

Klink For the DefenseEdit

General Burkhalter: Klink is a fine actor. Look how well he's played the part of a German officer all these years.

Major Hochstetter: Kommandant Klink: a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.

Colonel Klink: I have been appointed Haufman's defense council.
Corporal Newkirk: How did it happen?
Colonel Klink: I'm told I volunteered.

Colonel Hogan: What's your defense?
Colonel Klink: Since Colonel Houfman has served his country gallantly in the past, I will try for a smaller firing squad.

[before the court-martial]

Colonel Klink: I don't think I'll have any trouble getting him off with the death penalty.

Misc. QuotesEdit

[An escaped prisoner has stolen a German truck]

LeBeau: Hey, this is a late model! How much can we get for it on the black market?

Schultz: How are you going to get him out of the camp?

[Hogan is about to say something]

Schultz: (Very quickly in an anguished voice) Please don't tell me.

Colonel Hogan: Why not? We don't have to be enemies just because we're... enemies!

Carter: Colonel... are you sure that's a good plan?
Colonel Hogan: You got a better one?

[Pause]

Carter: Good plan.

CastEdit

External linksEdit

Wikipedia
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Last modified on 7 March 2014, at 22:31