History of the World: Part I
History of the World, Part I a 1981 film directed by American film director, Mel Brooks.
The Stone Age
- Announcer - Even in most primitive man, the need to create was part of his nature. This need, this talent clearly separated early man from animals, who would never know this gift.
- Announcer - And here, in a cave about 2 million years ago, the first artist was born. [a drawing of a buffalo is shown, and a proud artist] And, of course, with the birth of the artist, came the inevitable after birth... The critic. [the critic urinates on the drawing]
The Old Testament
- Announcer - Moses went to the mountain and God spoketh to him.
- God - Moses, this is the Lord, thy God, commanding you to obey my law. Do you hear me?
- Moses - "Yes, I hear you, I hear you... a deaf man could hear you!
- God - What?!
- Moses- Nothing, forget about it, Oh Lord! Why have you chosen me? What would you have me do for you?
- God- I shall give you my laws, and you shall take them unto the people.
- Moses- Yes, Lord!
- Moses - The lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen... (drops stone tablet) Oy. Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!
The Roman Empire
- Roman Guard - Seize him!!
- Josephus - (grabbing his crotch) Seize this, honkus!
- Impoverished Paris Street Merchant- Rats, rats for sale. Get your rats. Good for rat stew, rat soup, rat pies, or the ever-popular ratatouille.
- Other Street Merchant- Nothing, I have absolutely nothing for sale!
- Roman Policeman - Seize him! Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen? (the crowd starts shouting and raising hands) OK, you, you had your hand up first.
- Man 1 - Death by torture!
- Roman Policeman - Nooo. You?
- Man 2 - Crucifixion!
- Roman Policeman - Wrong! You?
- Man 3 - They shove a living snake up your ass!
- Roman Policeman - Whew, ahh. No, but that's very creative! You?
- Man 4 - They send you to the lions!
- Roman Policeman - Right!
- Miriam - No!
- Roman Policeman - Whaddaya mean, no? He was right! They send you to the lions!
- Comicus - (to the Last Supper attendees) Are you all together or are there separate checks?
- Emperor Caesar - What's under the sheet?
- Marcus Vindictus - Sheet? Oh! Oh, the sheet. Yes. To begin with, number one, a beautiful hand-carved alabaster bathing vessel!
- Emperor Caesar - Nice. Nice. Not thrilling...but nice.
- Marcus - Aha! But to fill the tub, behind curtain number two, treasure from the Orient! (music starts to play)
- Emperor Caesar - Treasure. Bathtub... Treasure bath. I'm going to have a treasure bath! Treasure baaath! (laughs and screams)
- Marcus Vindictus - Oh, Nympho. I would do anything, anything if you'd only grant me your favours. How can I entice you? How can I ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant.
- Empress Nympho - Ahh, but the servant waits, while the master baits!
- Emperor Caesar laughs, then pulls a serious face, then pulls a golden disc from his behind. - Here, wash this.
- Servant - Oh, yes, sire.
- He groans
- Stoned Roman Soldier 1 - (very stoned) So, do you care if it falls?
- Stoned Roman Soldier 2 - (equally high) What?
- Stoned Roman Soldier 1 - The Roman Empire.
- Stoned Roman Soldier 2 - Fuck it!
- Roman Soldier - Chemist, can you help me?
- Chemist - What are you looking for?
- Roman Soldier - A pack of Trojans.
- Chemist - Gee, I just ran out!
- Man Outside of the Temple of Eros - (Hugh Hefner cameo) It's a new concept. It's called a 'centerfold'.
- Marcus Vindictus - Don't you know your left flank from your right flank?
- Captain Mucus - I'm sorry, sir, I flunked flank.
- Marcus Vindictus - You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
- Dole Office Clerk - Occupation?
- Comicus - Stand-up philosopher.
- Dole Office Clerk - What?
- Comicus - Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
- Dole Office Clerk - Oh, a bullshit artist!
- Comicus - Hmmmmmm...
- Dole Office Clerk - Did you bullshit last week?
- Comicus - No.
- Dole Office Clerk - Did you try to bullshit last week?
- Comicus - Yes!
- Empress Nympho - (to her litter bearers) Could you please step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
- Jesus - One of you has already betrayed me this night.
- various apostles - No!
- Comicus Judas! Judas yells in fright Would you like some mulled wine?
- Judas - No. No. Leave us alone!
- Comicus - All right, all right! Jesus!
- Jesus - Yes.
- Comicus - What?
- Jesus - What?
- Comicus - What?
- Jesus - Yes.
- Comicus - Jesus!
- Jesus - Yes.
- Comicus - What?
- Jesus - What?
- Comicus - You said what.
- Jesus - Yes.
- Comicus - Nothing.
- Empress Nympho - Oh Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
- Crowd - Whooooaaaaaaa!
- Bob - Well, we could use another wine steward.
- Josephus - I got a great corkscrew!
- Crowd - Whoooaaaaaaa!
- Josephus - Damn, this a hip crowd!
- Oedipus - (begging in the street) Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey, Josephus!
- Josephus - Hey, motherfucker!
- Miriam - Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?
- Comicus - Miracle. Uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.
- Miriam - Oh, I'm Miriam, I'm a vestal virgin.
- Comicus - I'm really sorry to hear that.
- Empress Nympho-I love quick time march.
The Spanish Inquisition
- Narrator - The year was 1489. The Black Plague ravaged the continent, it was the hour of the infamous, Auto de fé where, for public amusement, heretics and non-believers would be tortured in a carnival like atmosphere; and it was guided by the most fearful specter to ever sit in judgment over good and evil. The Grand Inquisitor, Torquemada.
- Chief Monk - All pay heed, now enters his holiness, Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition.
- Chief Monk - Torquemada, do not implore him for compassion. Torquemada, do not beg him for forgiveness. Torquemada, do not ask him for mercy. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada (talk him outta) anything!
- Torquemada - Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways and accept the true church, convert now, or forever burn in hell! For now begins the Inquisition!
- Jew - I was sitting in a temple,/ I was minding my own business,/ I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass./ Then these Papist persons plunge in/ and they throw me in a dungeon/ and they shove a red-hot poker up my ass!/ Is that considerate?/ Is that polite?/ And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!
- Jew 2- I was sittin' flickin' chickens/ An' I was lookin' through the pickin's/ When suddenly these goys break down my walls/ I didn't even know them/ But they grab me by the scrotum/ And they started playin' Ping Pong with my balls/ Oy, the agony/ Ooh, the shame/ To have my privates be made public for a game!
- Monk - Who knows, Torque- you might win a buck!
- Monks - Hey, Torquemada, whaddaya say?
- Torquemada - I just got back from the Auto de fé!
- Monks - Auto de fé? What's an Auto de fé?
- Torquemada - It's what you oughtn't to to, but you do anyway.
- Torquemada It's better to loose your skullcap than your skull.
- Jewish Prisoners Oy! Oy! Gavolt!
- Torquemada - How we doin', any converts today?
- Guards- Not a one, nay nay nay.
- Torquemada - We've flattened their fingers, we've branded their buns, nothing is working...send in the nuns!
- Everybody- (singing) The Inquisition, what a show!/ The Inquisition, here we go!/ We know you're wishin', that we go away!/ So come on you Muslims and you Jews,/ We've got big news for all of youse!/ You better change your point of view today!/ 'Cause the Inquisition is here/ and here...to... stay!
The French Revolution
- Count De Monet - I have come on the most urgent of business. It is said that the people are revolting!
- King Louis - You said it; they stink on ice.
- Madame Defarge - We don't even have a language! Just a stupid accent!
- Peasant Man - Yeah she's right. We all sound like Maurice Chevalier. Honh, honh, honh!
- Madame Defarge - Now, repeat after me. (cough, cough, cough)
- Peasants - Cough, cough, cough.
- Madame Defarge - No, no, no. Dumb scum. I mean death to King Louiiiiiiiis!
- Peasants - Death to King Louiiiiiiiis!
- Madame Defarge - Let us end this meeting on a high note. (hits a high A) Eeeeeeee!
- Peasants - Eeeeeee!
- Count De Monet - Your Majesty- you look like the piss boy!
- King Louis - And you look like a bucket of shit!
- King Louis - It's good to be the king.
- King Louis - Of course ya do it. Everybody does it. I just did it, and I'm ready to do it again.
- King Louis - They are my people! I am their sovereign! I LOVE Them. Pull! (shoots peasant flung into air) Drifting to the left...
- Count De Monet - Oh! But with this long trip and this exhausting conversation, I'm famished!
- Count De Monet - Bernaise?
- Bernaise - Yes?
- Count De Monet - Do we have any of those delicious raisins left?
- Bernaise - You ate yours, these are mine.
- Count de Monet - Au contraire, they are mine! I paid for them! Hand them over!
- Bernaise - (mimicking) Au contraire, I paid for them! There - they're mine! (blows a raspberry)
- Count De Monet - Don't be saucy with me, Bernaise. Hmm-mm.
- Bernaise - (mouths) Bitch.
- Bernaise - You should get rid of your tailor.
- Bernaise - I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs. A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his peepee! Yours are all the way down to your balls!
- Count De Monet - At least I have them.
- Bernaise - You bitch.
- Count de Monet- Gerald!
- Gerald - Count da Money!
- Count de Monet- de Monet... Monet! Say it! Monet!
- Gerald and Count de Monet - Moonnet, Moonnet, Moonnet
- Gerald, Count de Monet, Bearnaise- Mooonnnet!
- Count de Monet - Perfect, don't forget! Give it to me again! Monet.
- Gerald and Bernaise- Monet.
- Count de Monet - Very good, where is his majesty?
- Gerald - Sir, the King is playing Chess.
- Bernaise - Chess!?! I hate Chess!
(King Louis is playing chess on a giant chessboard)
- King Louis- Knight jumps Queen! Bishop jumps Queen! Pawns jump Queen!
- King Louis- Gangbang! Come on jump the Queen!
- Assistant- Are you going to speak to his majesty?
- Count de Monet- Perhaps later. We've had such a bouncy journey I simply must relieve myself. Where is the Garçon de Piss?
Preview of Part II
- See... A Viking Funeral
- See... Hitler On Ice
- See... Jews In Space
