- [after decking Bob Barker] The Price is wrong, bitch!
- Chubbs: Golf's no different from hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
- Happy: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant, probably a great golfer, huge ass.
- Chubbs: Hey, I'll bet your neighbor the accountant can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
- Happy: And how would I do that?
- Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
- Happy: Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?
- McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
- Happy: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
- McGavin: No!
[Shooter McGavin is taking a shot]
- Mr. Larson: Trying to reach the green from here, Shooter?
- McGavin: That's not possible, sir.
- Mr. Larson: I beg to differ, Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.
- McGavin: (turning round and seeing Mr. Larson) Well, moron, good for Happy Gilm-OH MY GOD!!
- Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
- Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
- Happy: You better relax, Bob.
- Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
- Happy: All right. Let's go!
- [he punches Barker in the face]
- Happy: You like that, old man?! You want a piece of me?!
- Barker: [shakes his head as he get up from the ground] I don't want a piece of you. I want the whole THING!
- [he repeatedly punches Happy vigorously until he hits the water]
- Happy: [angrily emerges from the water] Now you're gonna get it, Bobby!
- [he and Barker continue fighting, and they roll down the hill, until Happy conks Barker in the head and gets back on his feet]
- Man from behind: [cheers Happy on] Happy!
- Happy: The Price is wrong, bitch!
- [Barker suddenly chokes Happy and punches him 3 times]
- Barker: I think you've had enough.
- [Happy tries to get back up again]
- Barker: No?
- [he kicks Happy in the face once more]
- Barker: Now you've had enough. [sets off, then turns back to Happy] Bitch.
- Happy: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
- Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
- Happy: Yeah.
- [Virginia shoots the puck and scores]
- Happy: Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires.
- Virginia: Happy... I didn't see it go in.
- [They kiss]
- Mover: You hit that guy!
- Happy: He shouldn't have been standing there.
- He doesn't play golf... he destroys it.
- Adam Sandler - Happy Gilmore
- Christopher McDonald - Shooter McGavin
- Julie Bowen - Virginia Venit
- Frances Bay - Grandma Gilmore
- Carl Weathers - Chubbs Peterson
- Ben Stiller - Nursing Home Orderly
- Allen Covert - Otto
- Bob Barker - Himself
- Richard Kiel - Mr. Larson
- Dennis Dugan - Doug Thompson
- Joe Flaherty - Donald
- Lee Trevino - Himself
- Kevin Nealon - Gary Potter
- Verne Lundquist - Himself
Last modified on 24 May 2013, at 21:52