Happy Endings (2011–present) is an American comedy TV show, airing on on ABC, that follows the lives of six friends living in Chicago: married yuppies Brad and Jane; Alex, Jane's ditzy sister; Dave, a food truck owner who used to be engaged to Alex; Dave's gay roommate, Max; and their chronically single friend, Penny.
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- Jane: Um I'm gonna need vodka in a water glass with ice and I'm gonna be ordering water from you all night long so... one... water, please.
- Waitress: Did we start already or do you really want water?
- Jane: Just bring me vodka.
- Penny: Thanks for coming everybody. It feels like only yesterday that I was born during the 1984 Olympics, a young Jewess, 26 years ago.
- Brad: Wow.
- Penny: Rollerblades?
- Max: Even I think rollerblades are gay. And I had sex with a dude last night.
The Quicksand Girlfriend [1.02]Edit
- Max: Half black's God's Photoshop. Worst-case scenario you're looking at the chick from Avatar.
- Jane: She's blue
Your Couples Friends & Neighbors [1.03]Edit
Mein Coming Out [1.04]Edit
Like Father, Like Gun [1.05]Edit
- Penny: [on her semester abroad in Florence] Ah, those sweet Chianti-soaked nights, strolling the banks of the Arno, meeting amazing people from all over the Big 10.
- Penny: Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I speak Italian!
- Alex: [her face and hands smeared with sauce] Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I eat ribs!
Of Mice & Jazz-Kwon-Do [1.06]Edit
Dave of the Dead [1.07]Edit
The Girl with the David Tattoo [1.08]Edit
You've Got Male [1.09]Edit
Bo Fight [1.10]Edit
Barefoot Pedaler [1.11]Edit
The Shershow Redemption [1.12]Edit
Why Can't You Read Me? [1.13]Edit
Blax, Snake, Home [2.01]Edit
Baby Steps [2.02]Edit
- Max: [acting as a tour guide with his limo] Welcome to Chicago! Now here's a fun fact. Chicago was originally nicknamed the Window City, but another city had that nickname first, so, thanks a lot, Omaha!
- Tourist: Really? That doesn't sound right.
- Max: Aah ...
- Jane: Yes, it is true. We are from Omaha, and that is a true fact. We are called the Window City because of our famous Window Museum. It's a lot of looking right through other parts of the museum.
Secrets and Limos [2.04]Edit
- Max: You guys watching Marty's show, Boardwalk Empire?
- Jane: Marty?
- Max: Marty Scorsese.
- Dave: Martin Scorsese. You can't call him that. You're not his buddy.
- Max: I'm sorry, I like to call celebrities by the name they prefer: Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos.
Spooky Endings [2.05]Edit
Lying Around [2.06]Edit
- Dave: Have you ever felt like the Big Mac wasn't big enough? Or the foot long wasn't feet long enough? Well, have no fear, ladies and gentlemen, and feast your eyes upon [Max removes the cover from the plate] steaktanic! Two pounds of meat.
- Max: Steaktanic.
- Dave: One liter of garlic aeoli.
- Max: Steaktanic.
- Dave: A half a block of smoked Gouda. Three layers of lettuce ... iceberg, dead ahead.
- Jane: Wow, that is disgusting ... and illegal, I think.
- Max: Steaktanic.
The Code War [2.07]Edit
Full Court Dress [2.08]Edit
- Penny: [to Jane] I don't even understand what you're raising money for. Animals for Change. Are you trying to genetically modify animals?
- Brad: I want a teacup rhino.
- Jane: "Animals for Change" helps to protect endangered species. Except for pandas. They have plenty of money. They are like the breast cancer of animal charities.
- Penny: Okay, so someone else will be crafting your opening remarks.
Grinches Be Crazy [2.09]Edit
The Shrink, The Dare, Her Date And Her Brother [2.10]Edit
Meet the Parrots [2.11]Edit
Makin' Changes! [2.12]Edit
- Alex: Woo! I'm so excited. An intervention? It's like having a surprise party for someone that's going to hate you.
The St. Valentine’s Day Maxssacre [2.13]Edit
Everybody Loves Grant [2.14]Edit
The Butterfly Effect Effect [2.15]Edit
Cocktails & Dreams [2.16]Edit
- Alex: Hello filthies. Look who I ran into at my new favorite vegan eatery "Café Thankful".
- Penny: Avi...
- Avi: Namaste, Penny.
- Alex: Turns out we're both into cleanses.
- Avi: My cleanse is pretty next level. I'm only eating clear foods, and I've given up all sexual intimacies. That's right, y'all. Avi's celibate.
- Penny: Are you sure that's a choice, Avi?
- Avi: Good dig. But jealousy is not a sweat pant that fits you well.
- Max: Bu-bu-burn!
- Alex: [goes for a high five] Oh yeah...
- Avi: Please, don't touch me! I'll explode like a water bottle on a cross country flight to Albuquerque.
- Max: Where's that flight from?
- Avi: JFK.
- Penny: Get out of my bed room!
The Kerkovich Way [2.17]Edit
Party of Six [2.18]Edit
- Max: You know what I was thinking about? If Mary Tyler Moore married and then divorced Steven Tyler, then married and divorced Michael Moore, then got into a three-way lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by the name Mary Tyler Moore Tyler Moore Moore Moore? Hm.
You Snooze, You Bruise [2.19]Edit
Big White Lies [2.20]Edit
Four Weddings and a Funeral (Minus Three Weddings and One Funeral) [2.21]Edit
KickBall 2: The Kickening [2.22]Edit
Cazsh Dummy Spillionaires [3.01]Edit
Sabado Free-Gante [3.02]Edit
Boys II Menorah [3.03]Edit
More Like Stanksgiving [3.04]Edit
P&P Romance Factory [3.05]Edit
To Serb with Love [3.06]Edit
- Jane: [After Brad's suggestion to postpone Christmas in favour of celebrating Janemas] What's Janemas?
- Alex: You're going to do everything you would normally do on your July birthday. I'm going to take you shopping, we're going to get our nails did, and then we're going to throw you the best birthday party ever.
- Jan: Guys, I really appreciate what you're trying to do okay, but you can't shut Christmas out. It's unstoppable.
- Brad: Oh, we're stopping it, missy, today. Alex is going to keep her weird present opening fetish under wraps, no pun intended.
- Alex: I don't get it anyway.
- Brad: And Max is going to be eggnostic for the day, pun intended.
- Max: I'm not saying there is eggnog, I'm not saying there's not eggnog, what I'm saying is, there's no way to know for sure.
- Alex: I really don't get that one.
- Penny: There is going to be zero evidence of Christmas on your birthday.
- Alex: Recycle? What is this, Portland?
Fowl Play/Date [3.08]Edit
Ordinary Extraordinary Love [3.09]Edit
- Alex: OK, let's do this. What's my gay category?
- Derrick: OK, you're a twink, but I've seen you eat so you're a sloppy twink, which is not as much fun as it sounds. Penny, you drink a lot, you are really loud and you have a lot of embarrassing stories about dating. Bitch, you are a hag.
- Penny: But I used to be a beard so I take that as a win.
- Jane: I thought I was a hag.
- Derrick: No, you're a top, plain and simple.
- Jane: Damn right I am.
- Dave: Oh, I know what I am. I'm a scruffy power bottom because I have a goatee and I do lots of glute exercises.
- Derrick: Your reasoning is wrong but your conclusion is correct.
- Brad: Do me, do me.
- Derrick: Oh, would that I could. Would that I freaking could.
KickBall 2: The Kickening [3.10]Edit
The Ex Factor [3.11]Edit
- Max: [takes out a wad of cash] Anyway, don't worry about the check, guys. I got this one.
- Dave: What? Whoa.
- Max: I have a little bit of disposable income these days.
- Jane: Max, you cannot have disposable income when you owe us 11,000 dollars and three cats.
- Max: You'll get those cats when you get those cats, Jane. And the reason I have all this extra casheesh is because my new roommate decided to pay me five months' rent in advance.
- Dave: Ah yes, el nuevo roommate. When are we going to meet this guy?
- Max: Oh no, you won't. I told that guy that we are going to live totally separate lives. I will not make the same mistake I made with my last roommate and get all invested in his personal business.
- Dave: That was me.
- Max: Yeah, and I will not make that blunder again.
The Marry Prankster [3.12]Edit
- Dave: We can prank him, beat him at his own game. We'll give him a shot of pre-vengeance, with a dose of pre-taliation, and finish him off with a load of pre-come-uppance.
Our Best Friend's Wedding [3.13]Edit
- Max: My only previous interracial relationship was with a Basque, but it ended 'cause, for a separatist, he was quite clingy.
- Alex: Welp. You know what they say, it's not a good gang hang until someone takes a major shot to the face.