- Dipper: Ah, summer vacation. A time for leisure, recreation, and just taking her easy. Unless you're me.
- Dipper and Mabel: AAAAAAAH!
- Mabel: He's getting closer!
- Dipper and Mabel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
- Dipper: My name is Dipper. The girl who is about to puke is my sister, Mabel.
- Mabel: [whispering] He's looking at it, he's looking at it!
- A boy: [reading from a letter] Uhh, do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely?
- Mabel: I rigged it!
- Grunkle Stan: And here we have "Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock"; the rock that looks like a face.
- Crowd member: Does it look like a rock?
- Grunkle Stan: No, it looks like a face.
- Another crowd member: Is it a face?
- Grunkle Stan: It's a rock that looks like a face!
- [Dipper pokes in through the crowd]
- Dipper: Over here! Grunkle Stan?
- Grunkle Stan: For the fifth time, it's not an actual face!
- Dipper: Who is that?
- Mabel: Well, time to spill the beans. Boop. (knocks over can of beans) Beans. This girl's got a date.
- Dipper: Hey, hey! Let go of my sister!
- Gnome: Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just marrying all 1000 of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right, honey?
- Mabel: You guys are butt-faces!
- Dipper: Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes, these creatures are often mistaken for...teenagers?! Stay away from Gravity Falls' nefarious...ZOMBIES?
- Grunkle Stan: [in the bathroom a floor below] Did somebody say...crombie? What is that, a crombie? Is that even a word? You're losing your mind...
- Dipper: I'm telling you, there's something weird going on in this town! Just yesterday, my mosquito bites spelled out BEWARE.
- Grunkle Stan: [leans in and examines Dipper's arm] That says BEWARB.
- Dipper: [to Mabel] Awkward sibling hug?
- Mabel: Awkward sibling hug.
[The twins hug for a second, and then pat each other on the back twice while saying 'Pat, pat.']
- "Mabel": Check out this huge smooch mark he gave me! "[Turns cheek to reveal big red mark]"
- "Dipper": Wha!
- "Mabel": Heh heh, gullable. That was just an accident with the leaf blower. "[Goes to flashback showing her face getting sucked up by the leaf blower while doing 'Kissing Practice' with a picture of Norman]" That was fun.
The Legend of the GobblewonkerEdit
- [Dipper, Mabel, and Soos encounter what they think is the Gobblewonker, but is actually just a shipwreck inhabited by beavers]
- Beaver 1: [subtitled] I love cavorting!
- Beaver 2: [subtitled] That deserves a hug! [The two beavers hug, while another beaver slides right off]
- Dipper: But, w-what was that noise there? I heard a monster noise.
- [Another beaver is seen playing with a chainsaw]
- Soos: Sweet! Beaver with a chainsaw!
- Dipper: Maybe that old guy was crazy after all...
- Mabel: He did use the word "scrapdoodle"...
- Grunkle Stan: Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car?
- Dipper: Grunkle Stan, are you wearing a blindfold too?
- Grunkle Stan: Naw, but with these catoracts I might as well be. [drives into woods crashing into a sign]
- Soos: Dude, check it out... [covers the "Scuttle" part of "Scuttlebutt Island"] Butt Island!
- [A man and woman float along the lake in their boat. The man pulls out an engagement ring.]
- Man: Brenda, now that we're alone, there's a question that my heart longs to ask you.
- Woman: Oh, Reginald!
- [Stan comes alongside them in his boat.]
- Stan: Hey, wanna hear a joke? Okay, here goes. My ex-wife still misses me...but her aim is gettin' better! (Awkward silence) Her aim is gettin' better! See, it's funny, 'cause marriage is horrible!
- Mabel and Biker: Two, three, four...
- Mabel: Your wife is going to be beautiful!
- Dipper: Mabel! We've got a big break in the case!
- Mabel: Break in the case!
- Biker: But will she love me!?
The Hand That Rocks the MabelEdit
[Mabel comes to the door with jewels covering her face]
- Mabel: Check it out, Dipper! I successfully bedazzled my face! Blink! [painfully blinks, a few gems fall off] Ow...
- Dipper: Is that... permanent?
- Mabel: I'm unappreciated in my time...
- Stan: For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible 'Sack of Mystery'. When you put your money in it, it mysteriously disappears!
- Various Tourists: Oh yeah! That makes perfect sense! That was totally worth the drive!
- TV Announcer: The tiger was badly injured in the explosion, but we repaired him with a fist!
- Bud Gleeful: Void where prohibited, no C.O.D's accepted. Carla, I've always loved you but I've never had the guts to say it.
- Stan: No one who lives under my roof is allowed under that Gideon's roof.
- Dipper: Do tents have roofs?
- Mabel: I think we just found our loophole! Literally! [Holds up a rope with a knot tied in it] Womp-womp!
- Dipper: Whoa, this is like a bizarre-o version of The Mystery Shack. They even have their own Soos.
[A man looking almost identical to Soos walks by.]
- Gideon: I'll read your mind if I am able...something tells me you're named Mabel!
- Mabel: [Turns to reveal that her sweater says Mabel in big letters.] How'd he do that?
- Mabel: Hey Dipper. What's going on?
- Dipper: Whoa, where have you been? And what's with those fingernail? You look like a wolverine.
- Mabel: I know, right? Rawr! I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man!
- Dipper: Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head.
- Mabel: Oh, leave him alone! You never wanna do girly stuff with me! You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time.
- Dipper: What do you mean?
- Soos: Hey dude! Ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave one by one?
- Dipper: Am I!
- Soos: Yeah!
- Dipper: One at a time! One at a time!
- Gideon: Mabel Pines, you have made me the happiest boy in the world!
[Gideon leans in and gives her a hug.]
- Mabel: Are you sniffing my hair?
- Mabel: I can't believe they let us bring a horse in here!
- Gideon: Well, people have a hard time saying no to me.
- Mabel: I've never seen so many forks. And water with bubbles in it? Ooh la la, oui oui!
- Gideon: Oh! Parlez-vous Francais?
- Mabel: I have no idea what you're saying.
- Soos: I wonder what the new name for the power couple will be? Mabideon? Gideable? I've got it: Maygidbeleon!
[Stan has just stormed out of the front door, intent on telling Gideon to stay away from Mabel.]
- Soos: Dude! Wouldn't it be funny if that was a closet and he had to come back out and go out through the real door?
[Soos opens the door to see if it leads outside. It does.]
- Soos: Nope. Real door.
[Stan sees a sign on the door that says 'Pardon This Garden.']
- Stan: I will pardon nothing!
- Bud: Since you're here, you simply must come in for some coffee!
- Stan: But I-I-
- Bud: It's imported! All the way from Columbia!
- Stan: Wow, I went to jail there once!
- Gideon: Hark! What a surprise! A red-breasted South American rainbow Macaw.
[Mabel screams as a large parrot descends onto Gideon's arm.]
- Gideon: Two, three, four...
- Parrot: Mabel! Will! You! Accompany! Gideon! To! The! Ballroom! Dance! This! Thurbsday! Bawk! Thursday!
- Dipper: Hey! How'd it go?
- Mabel: I don't know, I have a lobster now.
[Mabel and Gideon are in a rowboat with Old Man McGucket rowing.]
- Old Man McGucket: Boatin' at night! Boatin' at night! A hee hee hee!
- Mabel: You know, I thought dancing was going to be the end of the evening, right?
- Gideon: Don't you want this evening to last, my sweet?
- Mabel: No! I mean, yes. I mean, I'm always happy to hang out with a friend. Buddy, pal, chum...other word for friend...
- Old Man McGucket: Pal?
- Mabel: I already said pal, uh, mate?
- Dipper: What the heck happened on that date?
- Mabel: I don't know. I was in the friend zone, and then he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! Chummity quicksand!
- Dipper: Mabel, come on, it's not like you gonna have to marry Gideon.
- Stan: Good news, Mabel! You have to marry Gideon!
- Mabel: What?!
[Stan walks in wearing a tee shirt that says 'Team Gideon']
- Stan: It's all part of my long term deal with Bud Gleeful. There's a lot of money tied up in this thing. Plus I got this free shirt! [Looks down] Ugh. I am fat.
[Mabel runs out screaming]
- Stan: Bodies change, honey! Bodies change.
- Dipper: Oh no. Mabel?
[Mabel has her entire body wrapped up in her sweater, rocking back and forth.]
- Mabel: Mabel's not here. She's in Sweatertown.
[Gideon uses his powers to toss furniture around the room.]
- Bud Gleeful: Gideon Charles Gleeful! Clean up your room this instant!
- Gideon: I can buy and sell you, old man!
- Bud: Fair enough.
[Mabel is sitting on the porch, chewing her hair and thinking. Wendy walks out.]
- Wendy: How's that hair tasting, buddy?
- Mabel: Wendy, I need some advice. You've broken up with guys, right?
- Wendy: Oh yeah. Russ Durham, Eli Hall, Stony Davidson...
- Mabel: I don't know what's wrong with me! I thought everything was back to normal, but I still feel all gross!
- Wendy: Blake Whirley, Nate Holt, ugh, that guy with the tattoos...
- Mabel: Maybe I shouldn't have let Dipper do it for me. Gideon deserves an honest break up.
- Wendy: Danny Feldman, Mark Epsteen...oh man, I'm not sure if I actually broke up with him! No wonder he keeps calling me...
- Mabel: I know what I've gotta do. Thanks for talking to me, Wendy.
[Mabel rides off on her bike. Wendy's phone rings]
- Wendy: Ugh. Ignore.
- Gideon: Stanford Pines, I rebuke thee. I rebuke thee!
- Stan: Rebuke? Is that a word?
- Gideon: The entire Pines family have invoked my fury! You will all pay recompense for your transgressions!
- Stan: What, do you have, like a Word-A-Day calender or something?
- Dipper: Oh yeah, what is he gonna do now? Try to guess which number I'm thinking of?
- Mabel: He'll never guess which number I'm thinking of! Negative 8! No one would guess a negative number!
- Soos: You done?
- Mabel: Not yet.
- Soos: How bout now?
- Mabel: Okay, now!
[Soos turns around to reveal that Mabel has covered his entire front side with gems.]
- Soos: Let's do this.
[He spins around while Dipper shines a flashlight on him, casting a disco-ball like pattern of light across the room. Stan walks in.]
- Stan: You're all fired.
- Wendy: [to Dipper] ...and your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip.
- Mabel: [feeling sick] Uhhhhh, maybe I've had too much. What do you think?
- [Mabel hallucinates a rainbow colored candy world populated by the Smile Dip mascots]
- Flavor Pup #1: [unintelligible]
- Flavor Pup #2: Would you like to eat my candy paws?
- Mabel: Of course, you little angel! [starts chewing on the paw]
- [Dipper tries to bring Mable back to reality.]
- Dipper: (shaking Mable) Mable, how many of those did you eat?
- Mable: Bleven...teen...
- Dipper: Mabel, do you believe in ghosts?
- Mabel: [spinning on globe] I believe you're a big dork! [Dipper rolls his eyes and stops globe with pencil] Whoa!
[Mabel is shown riding a dolphin with big arms.]
- Mabel: The future is in the past! Onwards, Aoshima!
- Wendy: And Robbie. You can probably figure him out.
- Robbie: Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower.
- Dipper: Oh, you mean The Big Muffin!
[Changes to shot of a water tower with a red graffiti explosion resembling a muffin.]
- Lee: It kinda does look like a muffin.
- Ma: Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store!
- Pa: Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants! So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music.
- Ma: The lyrics...they were so hateful!
[A rap song blares from a boom box.]
- Rapper: Homework's whack, and so are rules! Tucking in your shirts for fools!
- Mabel: Uh-oh...
- Dipper: What?
- Mabel: Somebody's in love!
- Dipper: I am not, I just think Wendy's really cool! It's not like I lay awake at night thinking about her!
[The screen shows Dipper lying in bed, awake.]
- Dipper: Oh no.
- Wendy: What's this? A secret ladder to the roof?
- Soos: Uh, I don't know, dude.
- Wendy: Eh?
- Soos: Eh?
- Wendy: Eh?
- Soos: You're freaking me out, dude!
- Mabel: Random dance party for no reason!
[Music starts playing as Wendy and Mabel dance. Dipper writes on a clipboard. The shot changes to see that he was writing 'I am pretending to write something down.]
- Mabel: Since when are we 13? Is this a leap year?
- 'Dipper: Come on, Mabel! This is our chance to hang out with the cool kids. And Wendy or whatever...
- Mabel: I knew it! You love her! Love, love, love love love!
- Dipper: [pointing] Oh hey, what's that?
- Mabel: Huh? [While she is turned, Dipper flips her hair over her face.] Bluh! Bluh! Bluh!
[Mabel uses a marker to change graffiti that says 'You Stink' to 'You Look Nice Today'.]
- Mabel: This is going to blow someone's mind!
- TV Announcer: You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel.
- Grunkle Stan: Kids! I can't find the remote and refuse to stand up!
- TV Announcer: Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, The Duchess Approves, starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire.
- Grunkle Stan: No...no!
[The phone rings. Stan is watching The Duchess Approves, immersed, eating ice cream.]
- The Duchess: I don't care about dukes or commoners or His Royal Highness Lionel of Conmore! I'm not afraid anymore, Mother!
- Queen: Duchess! I forbid you!
- Duchess: I may be a duchess...but I'm also a woman!
- Grunkle Stan: Yes! In your face, Elizabeth! It's just like my life!...in a way.
- Grunkle Stan: Ah, the wedding! I've waited so long for this! Oh, look at her in that dress! [Gasps are heard from the TV] Count Lionel?! What is he doing here! [From the TV, a voice says, 'I've come to reclaim my bride!'] You had your chance at the cotillion, you! [On TV: You had your chance at the cotillion, you!] That's what I'm sayin'! Aaahhhh...!
[Dipper and Mabel are walking outside. The TV set crashes out of the window. Stan pokes his head through the empty spot.
- Grunkle Stan: Uh...couldn't find the remote.
Dipper vs. ManlinessEdit
- Testosteraur: Not man enough? NOT MAN ENOUGH? I have three Y chromosomes, six adams apples, pecs on my abs and FISTS FOR NIPPLES!
- Mabel: No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Manington!
- Dipper: I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said.
- Stan: Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's...incident.
- [Flashback: Dipper is in the bathroom, in a towel, looking into the mirror and singing into his comb like a microphone.]
- Dipper: Disco girl...comin' through...that girl is you!
- [Stan opens the bathroom door.]
- Dipper: Don't come in, DON'T COME IN!
- Sheriff Blubbs: Another fire hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh-dang mystery!
- Deputy Derland: Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles?
- [Sheriff Blubbs' shirt is already off.]
- Sheriff Blubbs: Quit readin' my mind!
- Lazy Susan: (serving Stan and Mabel) Food!
- Stan: Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow.
- Lazy Susan: Ha! silly.. silly man..
- Mabel: What was that about?
- Stan: Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet?
- Mabel: Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you, because nothing is stronger than the power of...
- Stan: Love?
- Mabel: ...Mabel!
- [Dipper confronts the Multibear.]
- Multibear: Child, why have you come here?
- Dipper: Multibear, I seek your head! Or, one of them, anyway. There's like...six? Six heads?
- [Dipper is trying to make more clones of himself using the photocopier]
- Tyrone: Uh oh, paper jam! [takes the paper out and lays it on the ground.]
- [A malformed Dipper clone emerges from the sheet and tackles Tyrone]
- Dipper Clone #3: C'mon, you're not gonna make me partner up with him, are you?
- Tyrone: Shh, don't be rude! [to Paper Jam Dipper] Hey, buddy, hey, it's okay. [Paper Jam Dipper attacks him again]
- Dipper: Okay, just one more clone.
Hi Hi Hi Hi
Dipper: "We're gonna have to break in."
Museum Lady: "And here are your balloons; blue and pink!"
Dipper: "We're in."
The Time Traveller's PigEdit
- Mabel: He is such a jerk.
- Dipper: Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs.
- Mabel: Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the- [screaming] OH MY GOSH A PIG!
- Dipper: Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated.
- Wendy: Dude. You lost me.
- Dipper: *sighs* I know.
- Rumble McSkirmish: I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union!
- Dipper: Uh, that's gonna be tough. For a number of reasons.
- Teenager: [is handed keys to a new car] I love you, dad!
- [Rumble McSkirmish runs by and smashes the car]
- Teenager: Oh, my car!
- Father: We'll just buy another one!
- Teenager: I love being rich...
- Rumble McSkirmish: Haha! You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby!
- Dipper: We need to just learn to hate each other in silence.
- Robbie: You mean, like...what girls do?
- Rumble McSkirmish: Dr. Karate! You killed my father again!
- Dr. Karate: Hnnnnggggghhh!
- Rumble McSkirmish: You will take that baaaaaack!
- Rumble McSkirmish: Did he kill your father?
- Dipper: Well, he's dating the girl I like, and he posts a really annoying amount of status updates.
- Rumble McSkirmish: And then he killed your father!
- Rumble McSkirmish: How could you laugh when you killed this boys father?
- Robbie: Wait, what?
- Dipper: I have a confession to make. Robbie...didn't kill my father.
- Rumble McSkirmish: What? Then who did?
- Gideon: Why Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head. If you agree to be my queen!
- Mabel: NO! Never! I will fight you till the day I- [Stops talking and looks below] Gummy Koalas!!!! [is dropped into bag, nibbles gummy koala]
- Gideon: [about Dipper and Mabel] I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I'll text you a photo!
- Stan "Text me a photo"? Now you're not even speaking English!
- Stan: No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work.
- Mabel: Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are.
(Mabel takes out a bag of stickers and puts two on Stan's face that say "Please" and "Thank you")
- Stan: [After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."] I'm giving none of this to charity!
- Soos: I've got a story. It's called, "Soos's Really Great Pinball Story!" (pause) Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever?
- [Cut to title card reading: "SOOS'S REALLY GREAT PINBALL STORY! Is That A Good Title? Do They Have To Be, Like, Puns Or Whatever?"]
The Deep EndEdit
- Toby Determined: On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool!
- Mabel: Gravity Falls pool?!
- Dipper: Today?!
- Soos: Pun intended?!
- Mabel: Ah, the pool! Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment!
- Stan: Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet.
- Dipper: Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses?
- Soos: It's best not to think about it.
- Mermando: Hola!
- Mabel: Whoa! Are you from Australia?
- Kid: How long ya in for?
- Stan: Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent!
- Kid 2: Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary.
- Solitary confinement kid: It's the nights that are the hardest.
- Mabel: Hey, I brought you a sandwich! It's kind of wet, but it's still good! I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... [whispers] share your secret, beautiful stranger.
- Stan: There it is, Soos. Equidistant from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair!
- Soos: The legends you told me in the car were true!
- Mabel: I should've known from your strange foreign fish language!
- Mermando: It is Spanish.
- Stan: Yes, yes...burn the child!
- Gideon: Deal with it!
- [Wendy and Dipper prank Soos]
- Wendy: Soos!
- Soos: Inflatable duck guy? Is that you?
- Wendy: Yes, Soos!
- Soos: I knew you guys were secretly alive! I knew it!
- Wendy: My people have been enslaved, Soos! You must free us!
- Soos: The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand...
- [Mabel puckers her lips in preparation for a kiss]
- Mermando: What are you doing with your mouth.
- Mabel: Me? Nothing. This? I was just eating some sour candy...so my lips did that...because the candy was so sour.
- Mermando: Can I have some candy?
- Mabel: .... No.
- Mermando: I have never met anyone like you.
- Mabel: Me too. Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires.
- Dipper: I don't remember the vampires.
- Mabel: I don't tell you everything!
- Dipper: Mabel? Is everyone here tonight?! What, is Soos here too?!
- Soos: [Falls off of the fence in the background.] I'm okay!
- Dipper: Go home, Soos.
- Soos: You got it!
- Mabel: Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make prosthetic pair of people legs.
- Mermando: Intriguing...
- Dipper: Mabel, if you don't hand over those pool supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever!
- Mabel: Okay...I understand. [Trying to distract Dipper] Hey, look! Wendy in a bikini!
- Dipper: [Falls for it] Really? At night?
- Stan: Now all I've got to do is wait here 15 hours until the pool opens.... This was a good plan.
- Mabel: Dipper, you're a lifeguard! Give him CPR!
- Dipper: Mermen don't breathe air!
- Mabel: Then give him reverse CPR, doi!
- Dipper: [Repeatedly fills his mouth with water and spits it into Mermando's] I hate this... I hate this...
- Mabel: [Takes a picture of Dipper and Mermando with their lips together] Haha... blackmail!
- [Mermando sits up, able to breathe again.]
- Mermando: Thank you for saving me, but why didn't you just roll me into the lake?
- [Shot widens to reveal them sitting a few feet away from the edge of the lake]
- Dipper: Agh!!!
- Dipper: Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever.
[Dipper hits the golf ball, causing it to break some things, and it ends up crashing through a window.]
- Stan: Ah, my head! It hit me right in the head!
- Dipper: Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight?
- Soos: Sure, dude. [Opens door to reveal small room full of pipes.] You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block. The trick is to hold perfectly still. [Repeatedly burns arm on pipe.] Ow! Wait, wait! Ow! Wait, wait! Ow! Wait, wait! Actually felt kind of good that time...
- Dipper: Ah, sleeping under the stars. Not bad. [Dipper sees a wolf chewing on his leg.] Ah, get off! Get away! [Camera compares Mabel's sleepover to Dipper been chewed on by a wolf.] This is still better.
- Candy: Candy falls down now!
- Mabel: Get ready to be poked by the fun stick! Boop!
- Dipper: Ow!
- Stan: [Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.] Fight, fight, fight!
- Announcer: Baby fights! Will return in a minute.
- Stan: TV. It knows what I want.
- Stan: Man, that's refreshing! Ten suck-up points to this lemonade. [In high-pitched voice] Thank you, Stan[Normal] Ten more for politeness! Oh, and so sweet!
- Mabel: Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face!
- Stan: I have seen the face of beauty!
- Dipper: [In Mabel's body] Braces are horrible! It's like my mouth hates me! 😁😁
- Mabel: [In Dipper's body] Hey, Grunkle Stan! Your face looks like a butt!
- Stan: What?!
- Mabel: Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink!
- Grenda: 3, 4, 5. [Phone rings.] It's him, my dream date! Hello?
- Robot Voice: Hello baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for 2.
- Candy: Kevin has the voice of a robot.
- Grenda: Don't ruin this for me, Candy!
- Candy: Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested!
- Grenda: How could you say that to Kevin?
- Stan: Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is...I'm going to have to cut your pay.
- Waddles in Soos's Body: [Breathes creepily and puts hand on Stan's face.]
- Stan: What are you doing?
- Waddles: [Breathes eerily]
- Stan: Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work!
- Waddles: [Continues breathing creepily as the camera zooms in on him]
- Stan: Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again!
My friend is a panda bear!!!! Cheese!
- Candy: Zip zip!
(touches Dipper, swapping their minds)
- Candy: I'm a boy now! Time to grow some mustaches!
Land Before SwineEdit
- [From the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" commercial.]
- Bobby Renzobbi: I know what you're thinkin': does it work for pigs? Haha, yeah, it does work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!!!
- [Waddles chews on Stan's pant leg.]
- Mable: Go, go! Chew that pant leg!
- [Stan tears his pant leg free.]
- Stan: Alright, that tears it. Outside, now!
- Mable: Grunkle Stan, no! You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators! And barbecuers!
- Stan: That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious!
- Mabel: He should be inside like a person.
- Stan: People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos.
- Mabel: And we're the lesser for it!
- Mabel: Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles...
- Stan: He's a fat, naked jerk!
- [Mable discovers Waddles is missing.]
- Mable: Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen?! Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him outside, did you?
- Stan: What? No, I didn't put him anywhere! I'm not acting suspicious! You're acting suspicious! What's a pig?!
- Bill Cipher: Remember: reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold! BUY!
- Dipper: Get ready, you guys. We're about to journey into the most disturbing, horrifying place imaginable - our uncle's mind!
- Soos: You think it would be okay to bring these Burrito Bites into Stan's brain? Thumbs up? Thumbs down? You know what, I'm just gonna bring 'em.
- [On the TV...]
- Announcer: He put the "old" in "Old West." They call him..."Grandpa the Kid!"
- Grandpa the Kid: I'm tired during the day.
- Stan: I can relate to this!
- [From Gideon's TV commercial...]
- Gideon: (singing) Who's cute as a button and always your friend?/Li'l G-I-D to the E-O-N! (winking) Wink!
- Announcer: Li'l Gideon!
- Dipper: Ugh, Gideon...
- Mable: Remember when I wouldn't date him and the threatened to destroy us?
- Stan: He's always trying to trick me into losing the Mystery Shack!
- Wendy: One time, I caught him trying to steal my moisturizer.
- Soos: And yet, our mutual hatred of him binds us together!
- [The gang has just thwarted Bill's plan.]
- Bill Cipher: YOU! You can't even imagine what you just cost me! Do you have any idea what I'm like...WHEN I'M MAD?
- [A ring of fire surrounds the group. The ground below them rises up into the cosmos on a rock shaped like Stan's head.]
- Soos: So...I guess he gets really mad when he's mad.
- Bill Cipher: EAT NIGHTMARES!
- [After successfully fighting off Bill...]
- Bill Cipher: I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one.
- Soos: (whispering to Mabel) He's talking about you...
- Bill Cipher: So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. BUT KNOW THIS! A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you! I'LL BE WATCHING YOOOOOOOUUUUU!
- [Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]
- Jeff: This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. (Scrubbing his armpit with one of the squirrels.) Scrub, scrub.
- [Dipper and Mabel try to trick Jeff the Gnome into marrying Gideon.]
- Mabel: What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me!
- Dipper: Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair!
- Jeff: Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock! Get my cologne!
- [Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]
- Shmebulock: Shmebulock!
- Jeff: Is "Shmebulock" all you can say?
- Shmebulock: (nodding "yes") Shmebulock...
- Grunkle Stan: Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever that is...
- Announcer: Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway?! Well then you gotta get Owl Trowel!
- [Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]
- Dipper: Gimme that back or I'll...
- Gideon: Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh? Huh!? No muscles, no brains - face it, you're nothin' without this!
- Stan: Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got.
- Soos: Right away, Mr. Pines!
- Stan: Soos? What are you doing here?
- Soos: Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awsome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it?
- [The kitchen is, in fact, ablaze. Soos runs off with a fire extinguisher.]
- Stan: You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they know how evil he really was!
- Soos: [putting his arm around Stan] Hey, I'm here for you, dude!
- Stan: The entire lower half of your body is on fire.
- Soos: Shhh...we're having a moment.