- Max: What's a period?
- George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
- [Carmen enters carrying frozen hot dogs under her arms]
- Carmen: Here are the hot dogs.
- George: What are you doing?
- [George takes the hot dogs]
- Carmen: Ow, my underarms burn! Your grandpa's old razor was so dull, it took me forever!
- George: Didn't you change the blade?
- Carmen: No, was I supposed to?
- George: Sweetheart. That was the blade we used to shave grandpa right before we put him in the coffin.
- Carmen: Oh my god!
- Angie: Carmen! That's why you don't lie to people.
- [Carmen leaves relieved]
- George: It wasn't a lie.
Curious George [1.02]Edit
- George: Look. Where I come from we weren't ever allowed in the room with a girl. And I'm gonna tell you straight, I don't like it. And I want you to know I'm watching you. Even when you don't think I'm around. I'm watching you. When you're sleeping in your little race car bed. I'm watching you. Even if you start to think "Hey! Maybe he's not watching me." I'm watching you. Pop quiz, what am I doing right now Duncan?
- Duncan: Watching me sir?
- George: There you go! That wasn't so bad was it?
Happy Birthdays [1.03]Edit
- George: Angie, do I look like a stupid man?
- Angie: What?
- George: Do I look like an idiot? Do I look like a moron? Do I look like a buffoon?
- Angie: Hey, no-one's forcing you to go to SuperCuts.
- Benny: George, if you expect a dog to bite you, you'll be happy if all he does is poop on your shoes.
Max's Big Adventure [1.04]Edit
- Claudia: George! There's a detective waiting for you in your office. Do you have any idea why?
- George: No.
- Claudia: Look. Nobody is judging you. You are a good man, and you made a horrible mistake! You know maybe it was for love, maybe it was the drink, I don't know! Look! Seriously man just tell me what you did so I can help you. I will shred files, I will lie, I will do anything!
- George: Okay, here's the plan. I'll go talk to the cop. You go back to your desk and pretend nothing's wrong, do some work. Okay? But don't pretend, actually do some work!
- Angie: George, you know what my favorite part of the play was? When you walked up to the teacher afterwards and demanded your tax dollars back.
- George: Alright, this movie might be a little mature for you, but I think it's more important that you learn that not everyone out there is a nice person.
- Max: What's the movie?
- George: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I queued it up to the educational part.
- Angie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Are you insane?
- George: Not compared to them.
Who's Your Daddy? [2.01]Edit
- Angie: Where is the water and shelter for this animal?
- Homeless Man: It's in my vacation box at the beach.
Token of Unappreciation [2.02]Edit
- Angie: But they're mean to Toby and Toby is your best friend.
- Carmen: But she won't be there!
- George: Oh. See that only make sense because you're using teenager logic. It's the same kind of logic that gets your kind killed in horror films.
- [George and Angie talk to Carmen]
- Angie: Look, honey I know what you're going through. There was a time when I had to choose between the popular crowd and a sweet pudgy kid eating all by himself.
- George: Who was that?
- Angie: You don't know him.
- [George straightens up]
- George: By the way, you didn't pick the pudgy kid. Pudgy kid picked you.
Show Dyslexic The [2.03]Edit
- Mrs. Wilder: Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, thank you for coming down. Let me start by saying Max is a joy to have in class.
- Angie: He's a joy at home.
- George: You know, and he likes you too. He draws all his favorite people in hell.
- Mrs. Wilder: Good! Look, Max is having real problems with his reading. Have you seen his centipede?
- George: ...I don't know what that's gotta do with reading, but in our house we call that a "weenus."
Halloween Cheer [2.04]Edit
- Angie: You know, kids need to be kept busy, or sooner or later they get into trouble. There's a report out that says that most underage sex, drinking, and hooliganism happens between 3:00 and 6:00 PM.
- George: Hooliganism? How old is that report?
The Unnatural [2.05]Edit
- Ernie: Hey, what are you doing?
- George: Well, I'm still trying to find my dad. So I'm gonna run an ad in all the newspapers up in Northern California. What do you think? "I lost my father as a boy, mother told me he was dead. Found out he's alive, am now seeking to re-unite with him. Manny Lopez, 5'10", latino male, mid-50's. Will pay for any information leading to contact.
- Ernie: Hey, take a little advice from somebody who's written more than his fair share of personal ads. They charge you by the word. You can say the same thing with a lot less.
- Ernie [crossing out words in George's ad]: Just get rid of this, this, this, this, this, this, and this. Now read it to me.
- George: "Boy seeking latino male. Will pay for contact."
- Ernie: Well, at least it grabs you.
- George: Yeah, but where?
No Free Launch [2.06]Edit
- [Debbie knocks on the door at George's house]
- Angie [waving at Debbie]: Oh no, that's Debbie Mickens with the PTA coming to collect the money.
- George: "Collect the money"? What is she, the mob?
- Angie: Just write the check and we can go to the PTA meeting tonight.
- George: Alright. I don't want anyone making fun of Max. But this has gotten way out of hand. Not to mention, 500 bucks down the drain. That's a month of groceries. Couple months of gas, a new set of tires. 500 items from the 99 Cents store.
- Angie: Sign it.
- George: ...25 anniversary gifts.
The Wedding Dance [2.07]Edit
- Curtis: Man, you're still frozen on this website. What's... "Find a Family"?
- George: Oh, I'm trying to find my father. It turns out he's alive, man, my mom's lied to me my whole life.
- Curtis: Your mom's behind you, G.
- George [yelling]: TURNS OUT HE'S ALIVE. MY MOM'S LIED TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE.
Love Bites [2.08]Edit
- [George and Angie are showing Carmen pictures of sexually transmitted diseases]
- George: This is gonorrhea. And these are genital warts.
- Carmen [repulsed]: Ugghhh.
- George: Not so happy you talked me into that color printer now, are you? The red really pops.
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Honey [2.09]Edit
- George: I gotta tell the kids I found their grandpa. Carmen, Max, get down here!
- Angie: You know you have to explain about his partner, Charles, too?
- George: Oh. Take your time, kids.
- Carmen: What's up?
- George: I got some great news and some interesting news. I think I found your grandpa.
- Max: Really?
- George: I might have even found you two grandpas!
- George: Were there any calls?
- Marisol: Yeah.
- George: Well, who called?
- [Marisol hands over a note with the messages she wrote down]
- George [reading from the note]: "The towers are moving and blowing the heating." That doesn't make any sense.
- Marisol: I know, huh?
- George: "The towers are moving and blowing the heating"... "The Powers are moving the Boeing meeting"!
- Marisol: Hey! Now this other message makes sense!
- George [reading from Marisol's other note]: "You missed your heating."
Meet the Cuban Parents [2.11]Edit
- George: Max, you wanna see the veins on grandpa's forehead pop out?
- Max: Yeah!
- George: Tell him how great Castro looks for his age.
- Max [running to Vic]: Grandpaaaa!
This Old Casa [2.12]Edit
- Benny: Oh hey Mr. peepers. Next show starts tomorrow at 8 am sharp.
- George: I hope there's a 20 drink minimum.
- [George and Angie talk about re-modelling Benny's bathroom]
- Angie: This is a big job, shouldn't you hire professional?
- George: Professionals?! Angie please! I got this!
Super Bowl [2.13]Edit
- [Benny and Angie are talking about George]
- Benny: Oh, he's scared of death. Ever since he was a kid.
- Angie: He never told me that. Did something happen?
- Benny: Oh, just the kind of stuff that really is out of a parent's control.
- Angie: Like what?
- Benny: Like, um, I lied to him and told him that his dad died when he was four. That probably didn't help.
- Angie: Mm-hmm.
- Benny: And then, he was really scared, and he asked me if he was ever gonna die.
- Angie: And what did you say?
- Benny: I said no. I said, "when you grow up, they will have cured all of the diseases, and you're gonna live forever." Now, that one wasn't my fault, science let me down.
The Valentine's Day Massacre [2.14]Edit
- Ernie: I'm sorry, George. I didn't know Marisol was coming back. I tried to paint it myself, but... halfway through it started looking like a monkey with boobs.
- Marisol: I know one monkey with boobs that owes me some money!
- Ernie: Oh yeah? Well get it from Mariah Carey, 'cause that's who you painted!
Girl Fight [2.15]Edit
- [Adam is throwing pebbles at Carmen's window; George throws one at the back of Adam's head; Adam turns around, startled]
- Adam: Please don't kill me, Mr. Lopez!
- George: I'm not gonna kill you. Back in the zoo, the bears don't kill their prey. They play with them a little first, then kill them. So come on, lets play!
- Adam: [scared] I don't want to play, sir...
- Adam: Can you give this poem I wrote to Carmen?
- George: Adam, there's a word for what you're going through. It's called being a giant wus!
- Adam: Hey, I am not a wus.
- [George rips Adam's poem in half]
- Adam: [cries] MY POEM!
- George: You realize that if I ever catch you around here again, I'll have to bury you next to Justin.
- Adam: Who's Justin?
- George: [stares at garden and sighs] He's what makes my roses bloom...
- [Adam stares at the garden for a moment, then runs away frantically]
George vs. George [2.16]Edit
- George: Is there a George Lopez here?
- George II: You got it, man.
- George: So you're George Lopez?
- George II: If we're playing 20 questions, it should be 20 different questions.
- George: [taking a look at a T-shirt] How does that work for you, man? You having fun being George Edward Lopez?
- George II: I didn't say my middle name.
- George: No, you didn't, did you?
- [George II stands up, concerned]
- George II: Look, buddy, I got a button right here behind the counter.
- George: Hey, press it. I want the cops to come. Because *I'm* the real George Lopez.
- George II: Dude, what are you talking about?
- George: You went on the internet, got my information and stole my identity. You ruined my credit. What the hell is your real name?
- [George II gets his wallet out]
- George II: [shows his license] It's George Lopez.
- George: Anybody could get a fake license. Quick, what's your social security number?
- George II: Psst. [grabs a skateboard and walks out from behind the counter] I'm not giving out my social security number.
- George: Why not?
- George II: Somebody might steal my identity.
- [puts it with the others]
- George: Alright, I'll tell you mine. We'll say it at the same time. Ready? Go.
- George & George II: 849-220-6460.
- [George turns away, then back, looking serious. George II glares]
- George: Oh, no, you're good.
- George II: Look, I don't know how this makes up happening. I got some credit problems, but... I'm not a thief, man.
- George: Okay, here's what you're gonna do. Be at my work tomorrow at 9:00 AM. I wanna see your birth certificate, or I'm calling the cops. And if the cops don't find you, I will, and I'll kick your ass.
- George II: Kick all you want, dude. I skateboard. I can't feel anything down there. [George glares at him] I'll be there.
- [George walks out]
A Kiss is Just a Kiss [2.17]Edit
- Max: Aunt Gloria kissed dad!
- Angie: That's how people say goodbye, Max.
- Max: No, in the garage, last night.
- George: Ohh...
- Angie: What?!
- Max: In her nightgown. The red one, not the black one! Dad said we should wait 'til she left to tell you.
- George: Left the city, man, not the porch!
Profiles in Courage [2.18]Edit
- Jack: You like me?
- George: Not really.
- Jack: That's 'cause I don't let you in. You know, George, sometimes late at night, I'm balled up in the fetal position, I'm naked, I'm holding a double bourbon and I am crying like a baby. But you will never see that.
- George: Thank you, Jack.
Secrets and Lies [2.19]Edit
- Gina: Hey Benny, it must be nice to have a three-hour lunch break. I wish my son were the manager.
- Benny: Oh, have you got a son? I just thought a chunk of ugly fell off you.
Girls Night Out [2.20]Edit
- Angie [to Max]: Hey honey, you hungry? I made some veggie burgers. I got one left!
- Max: No way. Vegetarians are left-wing nutjobs. They undermine the beef industry and put a lot of good, hard-working Americans out on their butts.
- Angie: ...What?!
- Max: That's what my head ranger, Mr. Dugan, says.
- George: Man, what are they teaching you over there? You're supposed to be learning about knots and wood carving.
- Max: Wood carving? Ha! Try to get a piece of lumber nowadays, with all these liberal tree-huggers.
- Benny: You know what I hate? You can't smoke in restaurants, but a mother can pull out her chi-chi's to feed a baby.
- Max [to George]: Can I get a gun permit?
- George: Dude, you still got cartoons on your underwear. No.
- [George and Angie are mad at Carmen]
- George: Carmen, you are so grounded, coffee's gonna look at you and say "DAMN!"
I Only Have Eyes on You [2.21]Edit
- George: Angie, do you think the kids have favorites?
- Angie: No, I think they love us both equally.
- [Max comes downstairs]
- George: Hey Max.
- Max: Hey dad.
- George: Answer a question for us. Your mom and I are both drowning and there's only one life preserver.
- Angie: George!
Team Leader [2.22]Edit
- Benny: Hey, so who are they firing? If it's Crazy Carlos, I'm not coming in tomorrow, because he's a shooter.
- George: They're not firing anybody, they're making four people team leaders and one of 'em is Ernie.
- Benny: Ernie? Well he can't lead a fly to dog poop!
George Has Two Mommies [2.23]Edit
- Angie: Come on you guys, let's just try to forget about the money and have some breakfast. How about some scrambled eggs, we'll call my dad for a loan and maybe some french toast?
- George: No, I'm not taking money from your dad.
- Angie: Okay, okay. Then how about some waffles, please just swallow your pride, and maybe some orange juice?
Long Time No See [2.24]Edit
- George: Alright mom, we're all alone. Let's clear the air. Are there any more lies I should know about?
- Benny: Yes.
- George: What?
- Benny: Well there's a bunch of things. But I'm gonna space 'em out so I won't look like such a bad person.
Dubya, Dad and Dating (Part 1) [3.01]Edit
Dubya, Dad and Dating (Part 2) [3.02]Edit
The Cuban Missus Crisis [3.03]Edit
Feel the Burn [3.04]Edit
Carmen's Dating [3.05]Edit
Split Decision [3.06]Edit
No One Gets Out Alive [3.07]Edit
Bringing Home The Bacon [3.08]Edit
Fishing Cubans [3.09]Edit
Would You Like a Drumstick or a Kidney? [3.10]Edit
Christmas Punch [3.12]Edit
Why You Crying? [3.13]Edit
The Trouble with Ricky [3.14]Edit
God Needles George [3.15]Edit
Benny and Randy [3.16]Edit
Weekend at Benny's [3.17]Edit
Jason Tutors Max [3.18]Edit
Angie Gets Tanked [3.19]Edit
The Art of Boxing [3.20]Edit
George's House of Cards [3.21]Edit
Dance Fever [3.22]Edit
She Drives Me Crazy [3.23]Edit
George Goes to Disneyland [3.24]Edit
Bachelor Party [3.25]Edit
Wrecking Ball [3.26]Edit
What George Doesn't Noah... [3.27]Edit
Now George Noah Ex-Zack-Ly What Happened [3.28]Edit
- [George is talking to Benny about his childhood]
- George: I can't believe the only reason you wouldn't let me drive when I was a kid was because you were afraid of me getting hurt. Is that why you wouldn't let me play football?
- Benny: George, for a helmet to fit your head... they would have had to take out the padding. Now, at the time, I was already growing vegetables in the garden; I didn't want one walking around my house.
- [Carmen wants George to buy her a car for her birthday]
- Carmen: Grandma, how old were you when your parents got you a car?
- Benny: [laughs]
- Carmen: ...okay, dad, how old were you when grandma got you a car?
- [George and Benny both laugh]
- Carmen: Okay, okay. None of you guys got cars. But aren't you supposed to want better for your kids?
- George: [explodes with laughter] HAA!!! Hey, ask me how much I'm gonna spend on your wedding!
- Benny: [laughs]
- [George and Ernie are shopping for Ernie]
- Cashier: [gay accent] Ooh, are you two shopping for anything special?
- George: Uh, no, man, we're not gay.
- Ernie: George, that's a weird thing to just blurt out.
George Searches for a Needle in a Haight-Stack [4.01]Edit
- George: [to Carmen] You're not going out tonight.
- Carmen: I get it, it's too soon. I'll just go to bed, but I want you to know things aren't the same. I partied with Chingy and I shared a sandwich with a homeless guy. I've done it all. So no more curfews, no more rules, I'm an adult, and tomorrow night, I'm going out.
- George: [to Angie] She's right. Things aren't the same, they're worse.
- George: [to Carmen] You were in hotel rooms. Don't think I'm going to believe nothing happened.
- Carmen: Nothing did happen! You want to take me to a doctor and get me tested? I'm still a virgin.
- George: We'll go to the doctor. It's 9:00 at night, We'll go to the emergency room.
- Carmen: Dad, nothing happened!
- George: Quit lying!
- Carmen: It didn't! You raised me better that that!
- George: No, I didn't. I was never there, I was always busy, I was too hard on you.
- Carmen: Yeah, you were, and every time Zack tried to get me to do something with him, I heard you tell me, "Don't do anything you'd be embarrassed to tell me or your mother about.
Landlord Almighty [4.02]Edit
George of the Rings [4.03]Edit
Home Sweet Homeschool [4.04]Edit
Leave It to Lopez [4.05]Edit
- Benny: (as Rosie the Robot in the Jetsons sketch) Here I am Mrs. J. I was just watching my favorite soap opera, The Young and the Rustless. (laughs)
- Doctor: (in the Munsters' sketch, listening to George's heart) Your heart is as healthy as a horse's.
- George: (as Herman) It should be, it won the Kentucky Derby.
- George: (as Ward Cleaver, to Max) I'm not going to die. I eat red meat three times a day and smoke like a chimney, just like the doctor says.
Sk8r Boyz [4.06]Edit
The Simple Life [4.07]Edit
Trouble in Paradise [4.08]Edit
E. I., E. I.? Oh [4.09]Edit
A Clear and Presentless Danger [4.10]Edit
Prescription for Trouble [4.11]Edit
Friends Don't Let Friends Marry Drunks [4.12]Edit
George to the 3rd Power [4.13]Edit
George Gets Assisterance [4.14]Edit
Sabes Quake [4.15]Edit
George Takes A Stroll Down Memory Pain [4.16]Edit
George Buys a Vow [4.17]Edit
George Watcha's Out for Jason [4.18]Edit
George's Grand Slam [4.19]Edit
George Needs Anchor Management [4.20]Edit
George's Relatively Bad Idea [4.21]Edit
George's Extreme Makeover: Holmes Edition [4.22]Edit
George Stare-oids Down Jason [4.23]Edit
George Negoti-ate It [4.24]Edit
George Gets a Pain in the Ash [5.01]Edit
You Dropped a Mom on Me [5.02]Edit
George's Dog Days of Bummer [5.03]Edit
George Drives the Batmobile [5.04]Edit
Trick or Treat Me Right [5.05]Edit
George Takes a Sentimental Ernie [5.06]Edit
George Finds Therapy Benny-ficial [5.07]Edit
George Tries to Write a Wrong [5.08]Edit
George Discovers Benny's Sili-Con Job [5.09]Edit
George Says I Do... More in This Marriage [5.10]Edit
George is Being Elfish and Christ-misses His Family [5.11]Edit
George Enrolls Like That [5.12]Edit
George Keeps Truant to Himself [5.13]Edit
The Kidney Stays in the Picture [5.14]Edit
A Funeral Brings George to His Niece [5.15]Edit
George Gets Caught in a Powers Play [5.16]Edit
George Doesn't Trustee Angie's Brother [5.17]Edit
George Helps Ernie See the Cellu-Light [5.18]Edit
George Gets Cross Over Freddie [5.19]Edit
George Vows to Make Some Matri-Money [5.20]Edit
George Discovers How Mescal-ed Up His Life Would Have Been Without the Benny-Fits [5.21]Edit
It's a Cliffhanger, By George [5.22]Edit
- [George is wearing scrubs for a costume party with a stethoscope]
- George: Hey, Max, come here for a second. I want to see if this thing works right. [holds stethoscope to Max's chest]
- George: [listening to Max's heartbeat] Bom-bom...bom-bom...bom-bom...bom-bom...
- [Max sees Veronica walk in wearing a very slutty costume]
- George: Bom-bom...bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom- wow, this thing's going crazy!
- Angie: [on the phone] [to herself] I knew I'd say this at some point in our marriage. [to George] George, it your mom calling from jail!
George's Mom Faces Hard Tambien [6.01]Edit
George's House Has Two Empty Wombs [6.02]Edit
George Nieces a New Media Room [6.03]Edit
George Testi-Lies for Benny [6.04]Edit
Sabes Gay, It's George's Fantasy Episode [6.05]Edit
George Thinks Vic's Fiancée is Lion about Being a Cheetah [6.06]Edit
- [George sees Vic in a completely white and really weird looking suit]
- George: [in Cuban accent] Welcome to fantasy island.
George Helps Angie's Wha-Positive Self-Image By Saying You 'Sta Loca Good [6.07]Edit
George's Grave Mistake Sends Him to a Funeral, Holmes [6.08]Edit
George Joins the Neighborhood Wha-tcha and Raises the Vigil-ante [6.09]Edit
George is Maid to be Ruth-Less [6.10]Edit
George is Lie-able for Benny's Unhappiness [6.11]Edit
George Uses His Vato Power to Save Dinero Que La [6.12]Edit
George Rocks to the Max and Gets Diss-Band-ed [6.13]Edit
George Gets Smoking Mad at Benny and Develops an Órale Fixation [6.14]Edit
George Can't Let Sleeping Mexicans Lie [6.15]Edit
George's Bogey-ous Relationship with Vic Is Putt to the Test [6.16]Edit
George Thinks Max's Future Is on the Line [6.17]Edit
- Angie [to Max]: I know you had a good time working at the factory, but it's not your future.
- Angie [to George]: Would you please talk some sense into your son?
- George: Max, there is no way you're dropping out of school.
- Max: But, I have to start making money right now. Social Security is a pyramid scheme being gutted by the baby boomers.
- George: Do you have any idea what the hell you're saying?
- Max: ...No. Somebody knocked over the radio on the loading dock. It's stuck on AM.
George Decides to Sta-Local Where It's Familia [6.18]Edit