- Max: What's a period?
- George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
- [Carmen enters carrying frozen hot dogs under her arms]
- Carmen: Here are the hot dogs.
- George: What are you doing?
- [George takes the hot dogs]
- Carmen: Ow, my underarms burn! Your grandpa's old razor was so dull, it took me forever!
- George: Didn't you change the blade?
- Carmen: No, was I supposed to?
- George: Sweetheart. That was the blade we used to shave grandpa right before we put him in the coffin.
- Carmen: Oh my god!
- Angie: Carmen! That's why you don't lie to people.
- [Carmen leaves relieved]
- George: It wasn't a lie.
Curious George [1.02]Edit
- George: Look. Where I come from we weren't ever allowed in the room with a girl. And I'm gonna tell you straight, I don't like it. And I want you to know I'm watching you. Even when you don't think I'm around. I'm watching you. When you're sleeping in your little race car bed. I'm watching you. Even if you start to think "Hey! Maybe he's not watching me." I'm watching you. Pop quiz, what am I doing right now Duncan?
- Duncan: Watching me sir?
- George: There you go! That wasn't so bad was it?
Happy Birthdays [1.03]Edit
- George: Angie, do I look like a stupid man?
- Angie: What?
- George: Do I look like an idiot? Do I look like a moron? Do I look like a buffoon?
- Angie: Hey, no-one's forcing you to go to SuperCuts.
Max's Big Adventure [1.04]Edit
- Claudia: George! There's a detective waiting for you in your office. Do you have any idea why?
- George: No.
- Claudia: Look. Nobody is judging you. You are a good man, and you made a horrible mistake! You know maybe it was for love, maybe it was the drink, I don't know! Look! Seriously man just tell me what you did so I can help you. I will shred files, I will lie, I will do anything!
- George: Okay, here's the plan. I'll go talk to the cop. You go back to your desk and pretend nothing's wrong, do some work. Okay? But don't pretend, actually do some work!
Token of Unappreciation [2.02]Edit
- Angie: But they're mean to Toby and Toby is your best friend.
- Carmen: But she won't be there!
- George: Oh. See that only make sense because you're using teenager logic. It's the same kind of logic that gets your kind killed in horror films.
- [George and Angie talk to Carmen]
- Angie: Look, honey I know what you're going through. There was a time when I had to choose between the popular crowd and a sweet pudgy kid eating all by himself.
- George: Who was that?
- Angie: You don't know him.
- [George straightens up]
- George: By the way, you didn't pick the pudgy kid. Pudgy kid picked you.
- [George and Angie are mad at Carmen]
- George: Carmen, you are so grounded, coffee's gonna look at you and say "DAMN!"
- Benny: George, if you expect a dog to bite you, you're gonna be happy if all he does is poop in your shoes.
- [Adam is throwing pebbles at Carmen's window; George throws one at the back of Adam's head; Adam turns around, startled]
- Adam: Please don't kill me, Mr. Lopez!
- George: I'm not gonna kill you. Back in the zoo, the bears don't kill their prey. They play with them a little first, then kill them. So come on, lets play!
- Adam: [scared] I don't want to play, sir...
- Adam: Can you give this poem I wrote to Carmen?
- George: Adam, there's a word for what you're going through. It's called being a giant wus!
- Adam: Hey, I am not a wus.
- [George rips Adam's poem in half]
- Adam: [cries] MY POEM!
- George: You realize that if I ever catch you around here again, I'll have to bury you next to Justin.
- Adam: Who's Justin?
- George: [stares at garden and sighs] He's what makes my roses bloom...
- [Adam stares at the garden for a moment, then runs away frantically]
This Old Casa [2.12]Edit
- Benny: Oh hey Mr. peepers. Next show starts tomorrow at 8 am sharp.
- George: I hope there's a 20 drink minimum.
- [George and Angie talk about re-modelling Benny's bathroom]
- Angie: This is a big job, shouldn't you hire professional?
- George: Professionals?! Angie please! I got this!
- [George finds his putter broken in half]
- George: [wailing and crying] AY DIOS MIO!! We had so much in common! You're oversized head...
- George: Nothing gets past me; not even a fly. [Whips hand out as if to catch a fly] WHAPPAHH!
- Angie: There's nothing in your hand.
- George: [opens his hand] I was so fast I already released it.
George vs. George [2.16]Edit
- George: Is there a George Lopez here?
- George II: You got it, man.
- George: So you're George Lopez?
- George II: If we're playing 20 questions, it should be 20 different questions.
- George: [taking a look at a T-shirt] How does that work for you, man? You having fun being George Edward Lopez?
- George II: I didn't say my middle name.
- George: No, you didn't, did you?
- [George II stands up, concerned]
- George II: Look, buddy, I got a button right here behind the counter.
- George: Hey, press it. I want the cops to come. Because *I'm* the real George Lopez.
- George II: Dude, what are you talking about?
- George: You went on the internet, got my information and stole my identity. You ruined my credit. What the hell is your real name?
- [George II gets his wallet out]
- George II: [shows his license] It's George Lopez.
- George: Anybody could get a fake license. Quick, what's your social security number?
- George II: Psst. [grabs a skateboard and walks out from behind the counter] I'm not giving out my social security number.
- George: Why not?
- George II: Somebody might steal my identity.
- [puts it with the others]
- George: Alright, I'll tell you mine. We'll say it at the same time. Ready? Go.
- George & George II: 849-220-6460.
- [George turns away, then back, looking serious. George II glares]
- George: Oh, no, you're good.
- George II: Look, I don't know how this makes up happening. I got some credit problems, but... I'm not a thief, man.
- George: Okay, here's what you're gonna do. Be at my work tomorrow at 9:00 AM. I wanna see your birth certificate, or I'm calling the cops. And if the cops don't find you, I will, and I'll kick your ass.
- George II: Kick all you want, dude. I skateboard. I can't feel anything down there. [George glares at him] I'll be there.
- [George walks out]
- [George is talking to Benny about his childhood]
- George: I can't believe the only reason you wouldn't let me drive when I was a kid was because you were afraid of me getting hurt. Is that why you wouldn't let me play football?
- Benny: George, for a helmet to fit your head... they would have had to take out the padding. Now, at the time, I was already growing vegetables in the garden; I didn't want one walking around my house.
- [Carmen wants George to buy her a car for her birthday]
- Carmen: Grandma, how old were you when your parents got you a car?
- Benny: [laughs]
- Carmen: ...okay, dad, how old were you when grandma got you a car?
- [George and Benny both laugh]
- Carmen: Okay, okay. None of you guys got cars. But aren't you supposed to want better for your kids?
- George: [explodes with laughter] HAA!!! Hey, ask me how much I'm gonna spend on your wedding!
- Benny: [laughs]
- [George and Ernie are shopping for Ernie]
- Cashier: [gay accent] Ooh, are you two shopping for anything special?
- George: Uh, no, man, we're not gay.
- Ernie: George, that's a weird thing to just blurt out.
George Searches for a Needle in a Haight-Stack" (Part 3) [1.01]Edit
- George: [to Carmen] You're not going out tonight.
- Carmen: I get it, it's too soon. I'll just go to bed, but I want you to know things aren't the same. I partied with Chingy and I shared a sandwich with a homeless guy. I've done it all. So no more curfews, no more rules, I'm an adult, and tomorrow night, I'm going out.
- George: [to Angie] She's right. Things aren't the same, they're worse.
- George: [to Carmen] You were in hotel rooms. Don't think I'm going to believe nothing happened.
- Carmen: Nothing did happen! You want to take me to a doctor and get me tested? I'm still a virgin.
- George: We'll go to the doctor. It's 9:00 at night, We'll go to the emergency room.
- Carmen: Dad, nothing happened!
- George: Quit lying!
- Carmen: It didn't! You raised me better that that!
- George: No, I didn't. I was never there, I was always busy, I was too hard on you.
- Carmen: Yeah, you were, and every time Zack tried to get me to do something with him, I heard you tell me, "Don't do anything you'd be embarrassed to tell me or your mother about.
Landlord Almighty (Part 4) [1.02]Edit
George of the Rings [1.03]Edit
Home Sweet Homeschool [1.04]Edit
Leave It to Lopez [1.05]Edit
- Benny: (as Rosie the Robot in the Jetsons sketch) Here I am Mrs. J. I was just watching my favorite soap opera, The Young and the Rustless. (laughs)
- Doctor: (in the Munsters' sketch, listening to George's heart) Your heart is as healthy as a horse's.
- George: (as Herman) It should be, it won the Kentucky Derby.
- George: (as Ward Cleaver, to Max) I'm not going to die. I eat red meat three times a day and smoke like a chimney, just like the doctor says.
- [George sees Vic in a completely white and really weird looking suit]
- George: [in Cuban accent] Welcome to fantasy island.
- [George is wearing scrubs for a costume party with a stethoscope]
- George: Hey, Max, come here for a second. I want to see if this thing works right. [holds stethoscope to Max's chest]
- George: [listening to Max's heartbeat] Bom-bom...bom-bom...bom-bom...bom-bom...
- [Max sees Veronica walk in wearing a very slutty costume]
- George: Bom-bom...bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom- wow, this thing's going crazy!
- Angie: [on the phone] [to herself] I knew I'd say this at some point in our marriage. [to George] George, it your mom calling from jail!
Last modified on 4 February 2014, at 21:26