Last modified on 18 December 2014, at 05:33

Garfield

For the United States President, see James A. Garfield.

Garfield is a popular comic strip created by Jim Davis, as well as the name of the main character of the strip.

For quotes from the animated TV series based on the strip, see: Garfield and Friends.

DialoguesEdit

  • Garfield: [Snoring] [Ringing] Huh? What the...Aw. Oh-- [Groans] I hate Mondays. [Yawning] Pooky, cover me. I'm going in. Alley-oop! B-b-b-b-b-bah, ha! [Singsong] Oh, Sleeping Beauty, wake up. You can stop dreaming about me because I'm here. Now, just wake up. You've got work to do. You're not just my owner, you're my primary caregiver. Now be a...
Jon: Not now, Garfield.
Garfield: Get... A-Ah... Just... All right. Cut the sweet stuff. Easy now. Just... Trying to cuddle with me, huh? Trying to avoid your duties, huh? Well, that just ain't gonna... fly! It isn't gonna work with m-me. See, I'm getting my exercise, doin' my job. Just one quick cannonball!
Jon: Oh!
Garfield: Morning.
Jon: Garfield!
  • Jon: [Jon Singing] Working 9:00 to 5:00 [Singing gibberish]
Garfield: Okay! I think you're clean enough now.
Jon: Singing in the shower... H-H-Hot! Hot! Hot!
Garfield: Got your towel right here.
Jon: Garfield! No!
  • Jon: [Beeps] It's liver-flavored.
Garfield: Mm! Delicious. [Gags] Mm. Mm! Mm!
Jon: Oh! Oh, liver! [Spitting]
Garfield: Well, actually, it's liver-flavored.
  • Garfield: [Sighs] That was a good breakfast. Now I think I'll just fall off the "Catkin's" diet...and get myself a high-fat chaser. Mmm.
Nermal: Garfield, look, the milk truck.
Garfield: Oh, attaboy, Nermal. The milk truck comes every day.
Nermal: Yeah, but maybe not today. Maybe it's changing routes. Maybe this'll be the last we'll ever see of it. Come on. It's just across the street. We're cats. We like milk. Let's go for it.
Garfield: No.
Nermal: But, you...
Garfield: But nothin'. I don't leave the cul-de-sac for anything. Out there, it's a hornet's nest of trouble. Bad things happen out there. So I don't go out there. Besides, I've found if you wait long enough...everything comes to you.
Nermal: [Nermal] Here come the milkman Here come the milkman He got his shoes on, he got his milk pan
Garfield: Hey, Nermal...let's play astronaut again today.
Nermal: Yeah?
Garfield: Yeah, I love that game. You're such a brave little astronaut.
Nermal: All right.
Garfield: Prepare to jump into your spaceship, Commander Nermal.
Nermal: But wh-wh-what about the milk?
Garfield: Who needs milk when you can be in outer space?
Nermal: Ah.
Garfield: You got a secret mission today.
Nermal: Yeah?
Garfield: You'll be exploring the milky way.
Nermal: Okay.
Garfield: I get the chills when you jump in your little spacecraft. The nation thanks you. Prepare to blast off.
Nermal: I'm ready to go, friend.
Garfield: Three, two, one.
Nermal: Whoa! Now I feel like it.
Garfield: Bon voyage.
Nermal: Look at me go! Whoo-hoo!
Garfield: [Garfield] Don't look down!
Nermal: I'm an eagle flying!
Garfield: [Garfield] Come to papa, baby.
Nermal: I can see everything up here. I can see my house.
Garfield: [Burps] Got milk?
Nermal: I can see the whole neighborhood.
Garfield: Well, that's nice. That's very nice.
Nermal: Hey, there's another milk truck.
Garfield: Ooh! And that is even nicer.
Nermal: I can see-- Whoa!
Garfield: Mission accomplished, Nermal.
Nermal: Whoa! Whoa, Garfield, do it again. Where did everybody go?
Luca: You're on the wrong side of the street, fat cat. Beat it!
Garfield: And you, Luca, the wrong side of the evolutionary curve.
Luca: Okay, that's it. You're gonna get it good today.
Garfield: I make a point to get it good every day. The real question, Luca, is how shall I outwit you this time?
Luca: What?
Garfield: Shall I baffle you with simple math?
Luca: I know how to spell.
Garfield: Or should I distract you with something shiny?
Luca: Now you're making fun of me.
Garfield: I hope so. You're no fun to look at.
Luca: You'll never get the best of me! Aaah!
Garfield: I think I just did.
Luca: Not the ducks again!
Garfield: Jump back! And kiss myself. Oooh!
Luca: If I ever get off this chain, you're going down.
Garfield: Everybody back up! I don't know how wild this thing is gonna get. I love the smell of cinnamon-apple in the morning. [Sniffs] It smells like... victory.
Luca: [Luca] Oooh! I hate this fat cat.
  • Garfield: So much time, and so little I need to do.
Louis: [Squeaking]
Jon: Mouse!
Garfield: No thanks, I'm full.
Jon: Get him, Garfield!
Garfield: Get him, Jon!
Jon: [Jon Yelling] [Objects Crashing]
Garfield: Oh, it's always gotta be smashing and crashing. Nobody poisons anymore.
Jon: Aha! Whoa-- [Groans]
Garfield: There's my ball!
Jon: What good is a cat that can't chase a mouse?
Garfield: I don't do the chase thing. All right, I'll handle this. I know you don't hear me, but can't you just listen?
  • Louis: [Panting]
Garfield: Louis, what are you doing in the house when Jon's home?
Louis: Sorry, Garfield, man. I couldn't help it.
Garfield: Look, when he sees you, he expects more from me. Don't you get that?
Louis: Jon's got those macadamia nut cookies. I'm trying to maintain. You understand?
Garfield: Sure. As long as you understand I have to eat you.
Louis: Aw!
Garfield: [Garfield Swallows] Mm. Mmm. [Slurping] Mm! Mmm!
Jon: Oh, good boy. See, I knew you could do it if you put your mind to it. You are the best cat a guy could have.
Garfield: Mmm. [Chuckles] Mm! Mm! Mmm. M-M-M-M-M-M-M-Mm. Have you tasted yourself lately?
Louis: Hey, it wasn't exactly the first-class lounge in there for me either.
Garfield: Get yourself lost. Take a powder for a couple days, get a haircut and grow a beard.
Louis: Cool. I owe you one, "G."
  • Happy: I got a question for you. Do you love your cat?
Garfield: Finally, back on my regular schedule.
Happy: You're gonna make sure he has nothing but Kibbly Kat food. Isn't that right, Persnikitty?
Garfield: That cat's puss is everywhere-- TV, newspapers, T-shirts. Who would want that kind of exposure?
Jon: [Door Opens] Hey, buddy.
Garfield: Yeah, cut the small talk. What's in the bag?
Happy: Remember, be happy.
Garfield: I'm happy when I'm with you, you delicate mélange...of tomato paste, ricotta cheese, ground meat and pasta!
Jon: Garfield, don't even think about it. That's my food.
Garfield: I may just nibble.
Christopher: Thanks, Happy. And thank you for joining us. I'm Christopher Mello. Remember--
Happy and Christopher: Be happy.
  • Man: [Bell Rings] Okay, cut. Good.
Happy: [Sneezing]
Man: [Man] We're clear.
Happy: Give me the Benadryl. Give me the Benadryl. Yeah! Yeah. Damned cat allergies.
  • Happy: [Sneezes] Any word from the network yet?
Wendell: Uh, no, but they're looking for a dog act on Good Day, New York.
Happy: Dog act! Story of my life. Looking for a dog, and I'm stuck with a cat. I thought the segment went quite well. [Whiny Voice] "I thought the segment went quite well." Of course it went well, you toad! The 50 housewives who saw it, loved it.
Walter J.: This is Walter J. Chapman reporting live from The Hague.
Happy: Oh, please, what a know-it-all!
Walter J.: ...were met with angry crowds--
Happy: And everybody always said I was the handsome one. I was the smart one. And I was born first. But there you are "live from The Hague"... and here I am working with this sack of dander on a dead-end regional morning show.
Walter J.: Back to you, Dan.
  • Jon: Garfield!
Garfield: [Moaning]
Jon: Did you eat all four boxes of lasagna?
Garfield: [Hiccups] It's not my fault. They started it.
Jon: What am I gonna do with you?
Garfield: Love me. Feed me. Never leave me.
Jon: Come on. Let's go for a ride to someplace you love...that always leaves you feeling pampered and refreshed.
Garfield: Huh? Oh, I know-- Chuck E. Cheese.
  • Garfield: [Garfield] Thank you. No? Wendy's? Taco Kitty? No? Well, I'm stumped. Maybe Olive Garden for you? Hmm. The only time I ever leave my cul-de-sac is when Jon takes me to the vet...which he's been doing a lot recently, and it appears to have nothing to do with me. Jon must want to go for his own reason.
  • Liz: Well, there's nothing wrong with Garfield. He's just a happy, fat, lazy cat.
Garfield: No need for a second opinion.
Jon: Well, I worry about him.
Liz: I know you do. Ooh! [Giggles] You know, you care about him more than any owner I've ever known.
Garfield: "Him" has a name. Is this an H.M.O.?
Liz: Let's get Garfield in for his dip. I wanna talk to you in private.
Garfield: Mm. Oh!
Jon: She's so beautiful.
Garfield: Uh, Mr. Pathetic, you've had a crush on her since high school. Would you please ask her out so she can reject you, and we can get on with my life?
Jon: I have to ask her out.
Garfield: [Groans]
Jon: Wish me luck.
Garfield: Okay, go get 'em, big tiger. You the man. You the fella. You the boss. You preach to her. Show her how the cow eats the cabbage...you hopeless loser.
  • Garfield: Betty, today, why don't you start me off with a Swedish massage... a manicure and a pedicure, okay? Seaweed wrap, loofah...belly rub, uh...tail waxing and then crack my toes to finish.
  • Liz: Jon, there's something important I need to ask you. Something that I wouldn't ask most guys who come in here.
Jon: Wait, no. I think I know where this is going.
Liz: You do?
Jon: I do. Liz, I've wanted to ask you the same thing for a very long time.
Liz: Are you sure that we're talking about the same thing?
Jon: Absolutely. Yeah, uh, I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life. Liz, I am ready to take a chance. I am ready for--
Odie: [Yips]
Liz: [Laughs] Thank you.
Jon: A dog!
Liz: [Laughs]
Jon: A dog. I'm ready for a dog.
Liz: [Laughs]
Jon: Hi.
Liz: Hey, I think he likes you.
Jon: Hi. Yeah.
Odie: [Whines]
Jon: Hi. [Chuckles] He's a frisky-- frisky little fella, isn't he?
Liz: His name's Odie, and he's not gonna make it...if he has to live his life in a cage. He needs to be loved.
  • Garfield: [Hair Dryer Blowing] Well, thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. No, maybe not in my neighborhood.
Dog: [Whining]
Garfield: Hey, Boomer, I really gotta run. Gotta fly, everybody. Really, please, stay behind the security fences. So great of you to come out to see me...but I've got somebody waiting for me, very devoted, almost crippled.
Cat: [Meowing]
Garfield: No, please, don't cry. I know what it's like to be unloved. Well, you do. I'll try to come back and visit, and if I don't, I'll try to write. Bye-bye.
Boomer: Does anybody know this guy?
Garfield: Bye-bye, everybody. Garfield is leaving the building.
  • Liz: Jon, you know you don't have to do this if you don't want to.
Jon: No. No, it's okay. Some part of me always wanted to know what it'd be like...to have a pet that actually wants to play with you.
Liz: [Laughs] You're a good friend.
Garfield: One question-- Am I still gorgeous? [Gasps] Jon, I think we got a little problem here.
Odie: [Whining]
Garfield: Uh, Jon--
Liz: I can help the transition go smoothly.
Garfield: [Garfield] Jon, it's in my seat. Jon!
Liz: We could all go out together. Park, dog shows,
Garfield: Jon! Uh, Jon?
Liz: stuff like that.
Garfield: Uh, Jonny boy?
Jon: W-Wait a minute. Are-- Are you... asking me out?
Garfield: Oh, Jonny boy, the time has come to get a car alarm. You're not gonna believe it. A mongrel mutt has broken into your car!
Jon: Garfield, this is Odie. He's coming home with us.
Garfield: Whoa! You went in there to get a date and came out with a dog? Oh, that's bad even for you. Oh, you're so sad! Oh, no, no, no. We're no bringing a dog home with us. Hey, I ride shotgun! What are you looking at, tick boy?
  • Garfield: [Garfield] Jon, it's not too late. Quickly, turn around-- before he finds out where we live! [Crying] Please take this trouser sniffer back! Please.
Jon: Come on, Odie. Let's go. This is your new home.
Garfield: [Crying]
Jon: Come on, buddy.
Garfield: Jon, you had me, a chick magnet...and now you've got a tick magnet. [Sniffling]
Nermal: Garfield, Jon brought a dog home.
Garfield: I am aware, Nermal.
Nermal: Why would he do a thing like that?
Garfield: Gee, I don't know, Nermal.
Nermal: It just seems like a weird thing to do...bringing a dog into a house that already has a cat.
Garfield: Can we drop it? I mean, it's no big... deal. It's... just a splattered bug on the windshield of my life.
Nermal: A bug?
Garfield: A dim-witted, smelly, goofy-- [Sighs] splattered bug that I will deal with appropriately and enthusiastically.
Jon: Come on.
Garfield: As you can see, I'm still Jon's favorite.
Nermal: See ya later, Garfield. Good luck with the bug thing!
Jon: Come on.
Garfield: [Laughs] This is payback for the liver thing, isn't it? Payback. [Laughs] He's a nut.
  • Jon: This is your new home, Odie. That's my office over there. And, uh, the TV over there. And, uh, the kitchen.
Garfield: Hm.
Jon: You wanna go see it? Okay, go see the house. Go see it.
Garfield: Why don't you draw him a map? Okay, I've gotta... remain calm, that's all. Jon's a cat guy, not a dog guy. This'll last a week, maybe 10 days. Tops. Boy, this puppy is stupid gone wild! Nah, this is just a bad dream. I'm gonna close my eyes and when I open them...everything will be back to normal.
Odie: [Panting]
Garfield: Ah! That's not normal. Not close. Oh, great. Dog cooties. Somebody inoculate me, please. [Thuds] [Shudders] This is a nightmare. I-- I just need a little quality time with man's real best friend-- television. [Chuckles] [Sputters] No, no, no. No, no. No. Hey, new guy, let me hip you to the rules, okay? Number one-- that's my chair, all right? I even see you raise a leg, and it's on, it's go time, pal. Very well. [Smack]
Odie: [Whines]
Garfield: Yeah, I think I just may have a mental advantage on this guy.
  • Garfield: Leave me alone. I'm not kidding, Yodel Odie. Pop a worm pill and hit the road. I'm busy. You wanna play? Fine. You can be my new astronaut. Go jump in the pail, and we'll shoot you into outer space. Come on. It's real simple. Here, I'll even throw your ball in there. Follow the ball, and jump in the pail. Come on, Odie. Just like this. Come on over here and just jump right into the pail, and help me. Come on. No. Just in here like this. Uh-oh! Don't touch that! Aaah! Oh, no! Whoa! Aaah! Oh, no! Houston, we have a problem. Odie, get off the pail. Would you get off the pail, please? Okay, time for a new game. It's called "my claw in your butt" game. Come here! Get back here! Come on! I'll just use my left claw. If my legs were longer, I'd have caught you by now. Come here. Just wait for one second. Slow... down.
Luca: [Laughs]
Garfield: Ahhh---
Luca: Well, well, well. I've got you now, fat cat.
Garfield: Hey, Luca, is that a new chain you're wearin', fella? Looks good on ya. You look great. You been working out?
Luca: Oh, I've been waiting years for this.
Garfield: Would that be regular years or dog years?
Luca: [Growls]
Garfield: [Cowering]
Odie: [Barks]
Luca: What the-- Get away from me, pip-squeak.
Garfield: Uh, Luca, this is Odie. Odie, Luca. Luca, do me a favor and eat him for me, would you, please?
Arlene: [Girl Cat] Garfield, are you all right?
Garfield: I think so. Luca's about to have Odie for lunch.
Arlene: If it wasn't for Odie, you'd be Luca's chew toy.
Nermal: [Nermal] Yeah, he saved your life. Odie's a hero!
Garfield: Why? Because I wasn't ripped to shreds? No, Odie's an imbecile until further notice.
  • Jon: [Jon Gurgling]
Garfield: Hey, moon dust... if I were you, I'd grab a nice piece of carpet. Jon doesn't let me sleep up top. Ever
Jon: [Sighs] Odie-- You wanna sleep in the bed? Okay.
Garfield: Wha--
Jon: Hey, buddy. Good boy. Who's a good boy, huh? You want to sleep on the bed tonight? [Jon In High Voice] Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
Garfield: I think I'm going to blow cat-chow chunks.
Jon: Good night, Odie. Good night, Garfield.
Garfield: Great. Wish me luck with the nightmares.
  • Garfield: Another day ruined. Oh, you little suck-up. Oh!
  • Man: [Singing]
Garfield: Whoa! Whoa, baby. No. Down. Down, dumb dog. What part of "no" don't you understand? The push off the chair? Off! I don't want to play. Oh! Look. What am I supposed to say? "Thanks for saving my hide with Luca?" Okay, thanks for saving my hide with Luca. Get off! Where was I? Right here. I was right here. Oh! [Groans] That was a cheap shot. Hit a guy when he's not looking? Okay. Oh, excuse me. I-I think you may have forgotten something. I saw this and I thought, pretty sure it was your-- Oh, I love to dish it out. [Laughs]
All: [Continues]
Garfield: Watch out. You see, you can't touch this. Come on. Uh-huh. That's right. Don't sneak up on me, baby. Oh, come on with that. Get that weak stuff outta here. Is that butt broken? No, it's something like this here. Can you do this? Uh, shouldn't those hips be in the shop? Walk this way, please. I'm-a walking the dog. Well, step it up a little bit. Something like this. Ho, look at this. Watch out for this thing. It could go. Uh-huh. You probably should've practiced in the garage...before you stepped up to someone of my level. Back up. Come on. Fly with me. Maybe something a little bit more challenging. Hey! How 'bout this? Out the front door. Take it outside! Look who's here on the porch. I'm walking the porch. I'm holding a torch. I'm ready to scorch. Uh-huh. That's fancy work.
Nermal: Hey! Look. Garfield's dancing with Odie. They're like buddies now!
Garfield: What's the matter? Oh, my God! Odie, what are you doing here? I was doing a solo dance, and a creepy dog comes up next to me? Did you guys see that? Thank you, fellas. Thank you. Uh-oh. Here's more trouble. Look at the goony look on his face.
Jon: Come on, buddy. Come here. Come on.
Garfield: Taking him back to the vet?
Jon: Time for out date with Liz.
Garfield: Takin' him back to the kennel, right? Yeah? Are you putting him up for adoption?
Nermal: Hey, Garfield, Jon's taking Odie on his date with Liz...and he's leaving you behind.
Garfield: I know, Nermal.
Nermal: [Nermal] They're off on an adventure and you're still here.
Garfield: And your point is?
Nermal: Well, that's gotta feel bad...being left by Jon while he takes Odie out. It's like you're not his favorite anymore.
Garfield: Hey, what do you say we play brain surgeon? Would you go get my power tools? [Groans] This is so sad. Jon has completely lost his mind. Doesn't realize how important I am to him. I need to be so very understanding of him...at this difficult time. Hey, wait up! Wait up for me! You forgot me! Slow down! Please slow down! I'm right back here! Waa-- oh! I think I pulled a hamstring. All right. It's okay. I'm on. I'm on. Relax. Oh my poor nose.
  • Announcer: [Man On P.A.] So, if you own Marie, please come and claim her. Thank you very much. Now, before the show starts, go over to the snack section on the south lawn...and get those goodies. We have things there that we're sure--
Garfield: [Groans] Yeah, go on ahead. Uh-- I'll catch up with ya. It's probably just a mild conclusion...or-- or a skull fracture. Maybe I'll get a cat scan. A CAT scan!
Jon: Catgut.
Garfield: Aunt Reba!
(6 Jun 1979) [1]
  • Jon (to the phone): I may not be rich, but remember this: money can't buy happiness.
Garfield: You rent it?!
(8 May 2006) [2]
  • Garfield: (Standing atop Jon's easy chair) From this vantage point, I can survey all that I rule!
Odie walks by, as does Jon, wearing a T-shirt that says "Kiss Me," a pair of heart-print shorts, and bunny slippers.
Garfield: Sigh… I abdicate.
(20 May 1991) [3]
  • Jon: Doc, how are you?
Liz: Fine.
Jon: And how's your boyfriend?
Liz: I don't have a boy-
(Jon smiles)
Garfield: Lady, you have no one to blame but yourself.
Liz: -friend…
(26 Jun 2000) [4]
  • Jon: I'm bored.
Garfield You're also boring. (smiles) You do it all!
(21 Nov 2000) [5]
  • Jon: Quiet day today.
Garfield: Did I mention I rolled Odie up in a blanket and stuffed him onto the top shelf of the hall closet?
Jon: Very quiet.
Garfield: Quiet indeed…
(11 Sep 1993) [6]
  • Garfield: Hey, Jon, what's new?
Jon: My life stinks.
Garfield: I said what's NEW?
(2 Aug 1993) [7]
  • Jon: Somewhere out there is the woman for me!… hiding no doubt.
Garfield: That was MY line!
(29 Apr 2002) [8]
  • Garfield: (bragging to Jon) I came within an eyelash of catching that pesky mouse today.
Mouse: I'm back from Hawaii!
Garfield: OK, so it was several eyelashes.
(17 Apr 1997) [9]
  • Jon: How cute! Nermal brought me my newspaper! And my slippers and my pipe! What more could a man want?
Garfield: (dragging in a woman by her legs) How about a woman?
(25 Jan 1984) [10]
  • Garfield: What a dismal day. I think I'll stay in bed all day.
Jon: Good morning, Garfield. It's a beautiful day today.
Garfield: What a beautiful day. I think I'll stay in bed all day.
(8 Mar 1982) [11]
  • Jon: Having a girlfriend changes everything, Garfield. The ways things taste, the way things smell. I'm gonna have to change my socks more often.
Garfield: Especially the way things smell.
(8 Aug 2006) [12]
  • Sign: Beware of Dog
(Garfield walks along)
Sign: Or visit me on the web at:
Sign 2 www. cut off by panel edge
(14 Oct 2006) [13]
  • Jon: I'm in the mood to party!… Or fold laundry.
Garfield: There's little difference in Jon's world.
(15 Aug 2006) [14]
  • Phone: (When Garfield picks up) May I speak to the head of the household?
Garfield: No…
Phone: Hello? Hello?
Garfield: Cats can't talk.
(31 Jul 1996) [15]
  • Phone (Garfield picks up) May I speak to the moron of the house?
Garfield (Looking over his shoulder, seeing Jon and Odie) Could you be more specific?
(26 Jun 1998) [16]
  • Garfield sleeps at the doorway
Jon: (Walks in the door and trips over Garfield, spilling his shopping everywhere) ARRRRGH!
Jon GARFIELD! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO LIE NEAR THE DOOR?!
Jon: (Gets up) I'm sick of tripping over you!
Garfield (Walks into the living room) All right! All right!
Jon: (Gets up and puts his shopping back into the bags) Why does this always happen to me?
Jon: (Walks into the living room and trips over Garfield again, spilling his shopping again) ARRRRGH!
Jon: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO LIE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM?!
Garfield: (Puts paws on head) I can't win.
(7 Jun 1987) [17]
  • Garfield is building a snowman
Jon: (Offscreen) Garfield, hurry up! I'm getting tired!
Garfield: Gripe, gripe, gripe.
Jon: (Offscreen) And I'm freezing, too!
Garfield: You can't rush art, you big crybaby.
Cut to Jon dressed as a "model" for Garfield's snowman, wearing a white cap and a fake carrot on his nose and with his arms spread out wide a la the twig arms on the snowman.
Jon: The things I do for my pets.
Garfield: Hold still.
(10 Jan 1992) [18]
  • Jon: Garfield, why aren't women attracted to me?
Garfield snatches Jon's coffee cup
Jon: Hey! That's my Binky the Clown cup! (Throws temper tantrum) MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!
Garfield: I think I've isolated your problem.
(18 Nov 1991) [19]
  • Jon: So, doc, how's Garfield?
Liz: Fine.
Jon: And how's Odie?
Liz: Fine.
Jon: And how are you?
Liz: Fine.
Jon: Okay if I pay by check?
Liz: Fine.
Jon: How about a date?
Liz: Fine.
Jon: (Cheering) YEEESS!! YEEESS!!
Liz: THAT'S CHEATING!
Garfield: If you can't attract 'em, trick 'em.
Odie: ?
(13 Oct 1991) [20]
  • Jon is whistling offscreen, there is a plate of 4 cookies on the table and Garfield walks in with a cup of coffee
Jon: (Offscreen) Okay, here we go....Aaannnd... (Garfield picks up a cookie)
A loud crash is heard. Garfield takes a bite out of the cookie.
Jon: (Offscreen) Okay, okay, I know what I did wrong... Let's try that againnnnn... (Garfield takes a sip of coffee)
Something falls over, creating a second crash, glass breaks and there is a small tinkling noise is heard. Garfield finishes the cookie.
Jon: (Offscreen) ALL RIGHT, WISE GUY... YOU'RE GONNA STAND UP OR ELSE!! (Garfield takes another sip of coffee)
Something falls over again, creating a third crash.
Jon: (Offscreen) AAARRRGGHH!
Garfield: Christmas Tree: 3. Jon: 0.
(6 Dec 1998) [21]
  • Jon: (Watching Garfield eat) You know, Garfield... I wouldn't say you're fat, but...
Jon is shown with Garfield's food bowl lodged in his mouth.
Garfield: Then don't.
(2 Jun 1987) [22]
  • Garfield: (Showing a single cat hair to Jon) This is all I'll be shedding today.
He leaves the hair on the table and walks away.
Jon: I dread tomorrow.
(10 Oct 2002) [23]
  • Jon: (Showing a plate of food to Garfield) Garfield, see what this tastes like.
Garfield: (Sampling the food) Tastes like an old hyena!
Jon: It's old hyena.
Garfield: Then why don't I feel like laughing?
(24 May 1995) [24]
  • Jon: (On the phone) Hello, Evelyn? This is Jon Arbuckle. Would you care to join me in a little fine dining this evening? I know this cozy little out-of-the-way seafood bistro... Wonderful food... Great atmosphere... Pardon? Stinky Bob's Sushi Bar and Bait Shack.
Garfield: Cue the crushing rejection.
(1 Sep 2002) [25]
  • Jon and Garfield are racing for the last hot dog. Jon reaches it first.
Jon: HA! BEAT YOU TO IT!...Uh, Garfield, would you mind taking your claws out of my hand?
Garfield: Give me a good reason.
(25 Jan 1990) [26]
  • Jon: Why don't you ever listen to me?
Garfield: Huh?
Jon: Why don't you ever agree with me?
Garfield: That's not true.
Jon: Why don't you show me any respect?
Garfield: I do... bonehead.
Jon: Why don't you ever show affection?
Garfield: Catch me around a mirror sometime.
Jon: Why don't you cause me so much grief?!
Garfield: Because I'm a cat.
Jon: And why do I still love you anyway?
Garfield: See previous answer.
(06 Oct 2002) [27]
  • Jon: Two steak dinners, and make mine medium.
Irma: And your buddy's?
Garfield: Moo.
Jon: Rare.
Irma: Check.
(04 Mar 2002) [28]
  • Jon's mom: (reading a photo album) Here's you, Jonny, in the first grade.
Doc Boy: Awwww...
Jon's mom: And here's Doc Boy, running naked through the soybeans.
Everyone Laughs
Jon: When was that taken?
Jon's mom: This summer.
Jon: (mockingly) Awwww!
(16 Dec 1993) [29]
  • (A spider hits Garfield with one of his legs, so Garfield squishes him with a newspaper, leaving it on top of him.)
Spider: Hey! What happened to "The Far Side"?
(17 May 1995) [30]
  • (Jon is talking to Garfield.)
Jon: I'm trying to decide which would be more exercise: Running around the block... Or running around you.
(Garfield now has an angry look on his face, and is showing his claws to Jon.)
Garfield: How about running from me, smart guy?
(18 Mar 2003) [31]
  • Jon: Cats are mysterious creatures.
Garfield wheels past him on a unicycle, while wearing a pair of underwear on his head, flapping his right arm like a chicken, and holding a pennant that says "I Like Ike" in his left hand.
Jon: And scary.
(30 Nov 1998) [32]
  • Jon: Just one bite of chicken and that's it, Garfield.
Garfield opens his mouth wide and puts the entire bird inside.
Jon: If you swallow, I'll tie a knot in your neck.
(24 Dec 1979) [33]
  • Jon and Garfield are just about to leave the farm.
Jon: Thanks, Mom. We really ha-
Mom: (interrupting) How about taking some food with you?
Jon: Well... maybe just a...
Mom: (interrupting again) Dad!
Cut to Mom tying something big to the roof of the car, while Garfield looks on, clearly pleased.
Dad: Hey, Doc Boy! I think that side of beef will fit in the trunk!
(11 Nov 1989) [34]
  • Jon: (brandishing a letter) This came in the mail for you.
He takes the letter out of the envelope and reads it.
Jon: Maybe now you'll consider dieting. You've been classified as a small planet!
Garfield: Cool!
(15 Apr 2004) [35]
  • Jon: Do you think glasses would make me look smarter?
Garfield: Let's find out. (leaves, then returns, wearing glasses)
Garfield: No, you still look stupid.
(5 Sep 1997) [36]
  • Jon: I'm starting your diet, Garfield. How would you like this head of cabbage prepared?
Garfield: Deep-fry that sucker.
Jon: Boiled it is.
Garfield: What we have here is a failure to communicate.
(4 July 1979) [37]
  • (Garfield chases Odie up a tree.)
Jon: Odie! Dogs can't climb trees!
Garfield: It's amazing what one can do when one doesn't know what one can't do.
(19 Jan 1982)
  • Jon: Hey, Garfield, how are you going to get out of that tree?
Garfield: (bounces off of Jon and Odie's heads) Why, by using my head... and Jon's, and Odie's.
(21 Jan 1982)
  • Mouse: (running) Help! I am frightened of that big, strong cat!
Jon looks confused by what the mouse said, then he turns and glares at Garfield, who's holding up a cue card that reads "Help! I am frightened of that big, strong cat!"
Garfield: What?
(15 Jan 2004) [38]
  • Jon: (while walking out the front door, carrying a surfboard and a beach ball, and wearing flippers) Got my beach ball, got my fins, got my surfboard...
Woman: (offscreen) EEK!! (Jon looks down in shock)
Garfield: I'll get your trunks...
(10 July 1997) [39]
  • Jon: (groggy, and holding a tube of toothpaste) Where's my toothbrush? (Garfield hands him a toilet brush) Thank you. (proceeds to brush his teeth with the toilet brush)
Garfield: (smiling with delight) These are the memories that last a lifetime.
(6 Oct 1989) [40]
  • Jon: Garfield's in for a big surprise. I put an alarm on the refrigerator. (In the background, Garfield is seen running into the kitchen.) That's the first rule for successfully living with a cat. (Garfield looks at Jon from around the corner.) You must be smarter than the cat. (Garfield is seen in the background, carrying the refrigerator, which is now unplugged, on his back.)
(31 Aug 1983) [41]
  • (Garfield is asleep in bed.)
Odie: BARK! (wakes Garfield up)
Garfield: Shut the..... Looks around room Oh, yeah, it's Christmas morning. This morning, I have to get up early, be nice to people, skip breakfast...
Odie: Urf!
Jon: (holding Garfield) I love you, Garfield!
Garfield: I wish it would never end.
(25 Dec 1988) [42]
  • Jon: Meow. Meow. Okay, what did I just say to you, Garfield?
Garfield: You said "Meow," you idiot.
(14 Jan 1998) [43]
  • (Jon is on the phone. He looks behind him, then resumes talking.)
Jon: Hi, I'd like to order a pizza...
(He looks behind him again.)
Jon: ...with everything on it...
(...and again.)
Jon: ...and do you have anything bigger than a large, you dork?
Garfield: (holding a cue card that reads "Bigger than a large, you dork") Oops...
(18 Sep 2005) [44]
  • Garfield: (running to Jon) I had nothing to do with it!
(beat, then something falls offscreen, creating a thud.)
Garfield: (facepalm) Timing, Garfield, timing!
(17 Oct 1997) [45]
  • Jon: (showing Dad his bathroom) Here it is, Dad; a modern bathroom with all the conveniences.
Dad: I know that! What kind of rube do you think I am?
(Jon walks out of the bathroom... and immediately hears a loud crack.)
Dad: (offscreen) MODERN CONVENIENCES, HA! CHEAP, YOU MEAN!
(Jon looks back into the bathroom... and sees a huge fountain of water coming out of the sink.)
Dad: (holding the faucet in his hand) Pumped the handle twice and it snapped like a twig!
(28 Jan 1988) [46]
  • (Jon is sitting on the couch, reading a newspaper. He hears the doorbell ring, then walks to the front door and opens it. To his surprise, it's Garfield.)
Jon: Garfield, cats don't ring doorbells when they want in.
Garfield: Fine... (re-exits the house)
(Heavy scratching is heard at the door, then Garfield walks back inside. Much to Jon's chagrin, the front door is covered in claw marks.)
Garfield: Happy now?
(27 Mar 1994) [47]
  • Garfield: (standing in a field on a sunny day) Ah, nature!
(A thunderstorm suddenly begins. Later, Garfield is seen inside, soaking wet, and glaring at Jon.)
Garfield: Did you forget to pay the nature bill?
(7 Nov 2002) [48]
  • (It is the middle of the night. Garfield walks to the refrigerator and opens it, but no light is seen.)
Garfield: Hmmm... the little light in the refrigerator has burned out. (walks to the drawer, carrying the tiny bulb.) This dinky thing was never bright enough anyway... (holding a regular-sized lightbulb) Better.
(Later that night, Jon is seen walking to the fridge.)
Jon: A snack should help me sleep...
(Cut to an exterior view of the house, shown from across the street. Jon opens the refrigerator door, and the house is immediately illuminated with a very, very bright light.)
Jon: GARFIELD!!
(10 July 1994) [49]
  • (Garfield is walking with Odie, who has a bone in his mouth. They eventually arrive at the edge of a cliff.)
Garfield: Here's a good spot to bury your bone, Odie!
(Odie is seen digging into the cliff, as a content Garfield walks away.)
Garfield: I love my job.
(24 June 2009) [50]
  • (Garfield is lying on the table.)
Jon: GARFIELD! (Jon is seen holding a carrot on a plate.) Dinner!
(Jon sets the plate on the table and walks away, while a shocked Garfield comes to the table. Sadly, he takes a bite out of the carrot, then walks to the kitchen while still chewing his carrot. He then starts crying, standing by a locked fridge.)
(8 Oct 1995)
  • (Garfield is lying on the table, when a blueberry muffin comes up to him.)
Blueberry Muffin: Hi, I'm a blueberry muffin and seem to have lost my way.
(A butter pat appears behind the muffin.)
Butter Pat: Excuse me... I'm a butter pat and I'm also lost...
Blueberry Muffin: Hi, Pat!
Offscreen voice: Pardon...
(A cup of coffee appears behind the pat.)
Cup of coffee: I'm a steaming-hot cup of coffee and I do believe I've taken a wrong turn.
Garfield: (realizing this is a dream, and shedding a tear) Even if this is a dream, it's still the happiest moment of my life.
Blueberry Muffin: I'm cold. Can you warm me up?
Butter Pat: Me too.
Cup of coffee: I'm burning up...got any cream?
Crescent roll: (appearing behind the cup of coffee) Hey, parlez-vous francais, anyone?!
(21 Apr 2002)
  • (Garfield is seen with a carrot on a plate at the table.)
Garfield: (with an angry look on his face) I hate this diet.
(Music from an ice cream truck plays, possibly from the window. Garfield, hearing this, starts crying, wanting to quit his diet.)
Jon: (also hearing the music) Ice cream truck.
(10 Nov 1997)
  • (Odie is howling outside.)
Jon: (inside the house) Odie! Cut that out!
(Garfield is also heard howling... by the fridge. Jon does a facepalm when seeing this.)
(27 May 1982)
  • (It is the middle of the night. There is no light on, and only Garfield's eyes are shown)
Garfield: Hmmmm...It's that time of night. Time to sneak out to the fridge for a midnight snack.
(He sneaks to the fridge and opens the door. To his surprise, no light is seen. Garfield screams offscreen. As he does, Jon is shown in bed, holding the now burned-out light bulb.)
(5 Nov 1995)
  • (Jon comes in the door, wounded.)
Jon: I had an accident today at the salad bar. I smacked my face into the clear sneeze guard and knocked a crock of garbanzo beans onto the floor. A fat woman slipped on them and somersaulted onto the soup-of-the-day tureen. Then her husband threw a bowl of broccoli florets at me and I ducked, falling facefirst into the french dressing. Then the woman attacked me, force-feeding me jalapeno peppers and stuffing black olives in my ears while her husband put a cold pewter plate down my plants.
Garfield: So, what was the soup of the day?
(10 Oct 1999)
  • (Garfield is seen with Pooky.)
Garfield: Oh no! Pooky's broken a stitch! (He starts crying, then stops for a moment.) When I diet, I get emotional.
(8 Apr 1982)
  • (Garfield is shown standing by the fridge.)
Garfield: I'm strong. I can handle this diet. (He begins sobbing.) Then why do I feel like I've just lost my best friend?
(1 Jul 1982)
  • (Garfield is shown standing by a hamburger.)
Garfield: I shall now use sheer willpower to resist eating that hamburger. (He tries not to eat the hamburger, but then ends up crying.)
Jon: I'm beginning to worry about Garfield.
(9 Sep 1982)
  • (Garfield is seen on a laptop, getting ready to type a note. He types in:
Dear Jon,
Life here with you has
become unbearable.
I can't stand it in this
house another day, so I am
running away to join the
French Foreign Legion.
Please don't try to find me.
Just know that this is what I
want, and that it's the best
thing for both of us. Goodbye.
(He prints the note on a printer and carries it. Later, Jon spots the note in a fish bowl (in which the fish had already been eaten by Garfield, complete with tartar sauce and a lemon wedge.))
Jon: GARFIELD!!
(26 Apr 2009)
  • (Garfield is lying in bed and holding a stick with his face on it)
Garfield: Monday check. (A small pie hits the face) HA! (He gets up from the bed, as a huge pie is about to hit Garfield in the back) Fooled you!
(18 Jan 1993)
  • (Garfield is riding on Odie's back, holding on to his ears. Garfield suddenly dissapears, with only Odie remaining. Garfield is then shown in a tree with his feet off the ground and a branch stuck in his mouth.)
Garfield: Mmmph.
(29 Jul 1981)
  • (Jon sets up Garfield's food bowl)
Jon: They've improved your cat food. It doesn't look and smell as disgusting as it used to.
Garfield: (walking away on all fours) Then it isn't cat food.
(29 Apr 2004)
  • (Garfield is seen sitting on a bench)
Garfield: So what if I'm lost. Big deal. I can handle it. Cats are adventurous. Cats are independent. Cats are strong... (Garfield unexpectedly ends up sobbing) I want my teddy bear!
(2 Feb 1981)
  • (Garfield is seen up the tree)
Garfield: What does Garfield The Cat do when he's stuck up a tree? Why what any honorable cat would do, of course.
(He starts crying for attention)
(7 Jul 1981)
  • (Garfield is begging to Jon for food)
Jon: Garfield, begging for food is not going to get you anything to eat. (Garfield starts throwing a crying tantrum) Throwing a tantrum is not going to get you anything to eat. (Garfield stops the tantrum and tugs his shirt, getting ready to punch Jon.) Now you're getting somewhere.
(2 Nov 1985)
  • (Jon is seen in an assembly)
Jon: (clears his throat) I am honored to address this assembly of the United Nations. And the millions watching by television. I am Jon Arbuckle, and I can't get a date to save my life. (lowers down to reveal he isn't wearing pants) Also, I forgot to wear pants. (It turns out to be a dream, and Jon wakes up screaming) Garfield, I just had a terrible nightmare!
Garfield: Not the one about the rubber pizzas?!
(1 Dec 1991)
  • (Jon, whistling, is seen packing a picnic lunch for Liz. Later on, he comes to Liz's house, drives to the woods for their picnic, and starts to unpack stuff. But as they unpack, Garfield in suddenly heard burping in the basket. Later, Jon and Liz, unpleased, are shown in a drive-thru at Binky Burger with Garfield in the back, using a toothpick.)
Cashier: May I have your order?
(8 Jul 2007)
  • (Jon is on the phone)
Jon: Hello? Yes, this is he...A date?...With me?! This Friday night?! Pinch me, I must be dreaming!
(Garfield pinches him, and then Jon wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming.)
(13 May 1999)
  • (Garfield is seen watching TV)
Announcer: This week on "Unfinished Sentence Theater," we will...Thanks for watch...Tune in again next... (Garfield screams)
(26 May 1999)
  • (A mouse is standing behind Garfield, glaring at him.)
Mouse: Hey! That girl you sit on the fence with ate my buddy, Dave!
Garfield: Arlene?
Mouse: (distraught) Never again will I thrill to him playing those traditional mouse folk rumbas on his tiny accordion! (walks away, sobbing)
Garfield: I'll speak to her about it.
(Cut to the fence, later that night. Arlene is sitting on the fence, then Garfield walks in and sits down next to her.)
Garfield: Hi, Arlene.
Arlene: Hi, Garfield.
Garfield: Thanks for eating Dave.
Arlene: His sister-in-law sent me flowers.
(18 Jan 2009)
  • (Jon is walking into a room, holding something behind his back.)
Jon: Oh, Garfield...
(Jon enters the room, where Garfield is sitting in a recliner in front of the TV, surrounded by numerous potted plants, a hanging plant, a couple of framed pictures, a coffee table, a lamp, and an umbrella stand. It is revealed that Jon is holding a box of kitty treats.)
Jon: Garfield, I'm going to teach you self-control. This is a box of kitty treats. (puts the box on the floor) Do not take the kitty treats. (turns to leave) I'm leaving the room now. You are not to take the kitty treats.
(Jon waits outside the room briefly, then starts to return.)
Jon: Okay, I'm coming back in now! The kitty treats had better be there!
(Jon looks into the room... and sees that everything is gone, including the light switch. That is, everything... except the kitty treats.)
(1 July 1990)
  • (Liz is shown at the vet on the phone)
Liz: Hi, Jon, this is Liz. I was just calling to remind you that Garfield is due for his checkup next week...
(A sudden hiss is heard on the phone, followed by being hung up. Cut back to the house to reveal Garfield was on the phone and hung up on Liz.)
(27 Apr 1993)
  • (Garfield is in the kitchen table, waiting for coffee.)
Jon: (setting a coffee cup down) Here's your coffee. By the way, we're out of cream. I'll get the sugar though.
(Both Jon and Garfield walk away, Jon getting the sugar, and Garfield walking outside. Some crying (likely from a baby) is heard from outside. Cut back to the table. Jon is holding the cup of sugar, and Garfield had gotten a baby bottle with milk, to substitute cream.)
(20 Oct 1996)
  • Jon: (Garfield had eaten his lunch) Garfield, stealing my lunch wasn't nice.
Garfield: Not nice? (Garfield starts sobbing in confusion and tugs Jon's shirt.) Not nice?! Oh, no!!! Anything but that!!
Jon: You're cold.
Garfield: What if I shaved my head as penance?
(23 Mar 1993)
  • (Garfield walks in on a dog and a "Beware of the Dog" sign that has a lot of free space underneath it. He takes out a pencil and writes on the sign, so that it now says "Beware of the Dog's Breath!")
Dog: Now that hurts.
Garfield: (grinning and holding a breath mint the size of a cake) Mint?
(25 Oct 2005)
  • Jon: All right, Garfield! (reaches for the phone) That's it! I'm calling Santa! (dialing) And I'm telling him what you did!
Operator: You have reached the North Pole "Naughty Line". We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received.
(Jon gets put on hold with a loud voice singing "Deck the Halls")
Garfield: With any luck, he'll be on hold till January.
(12 Dec 2010)
  • Jon: (standing outside the front door) What a beautiful morning! (taking off his shoes) Who needs shoes on a day like this?
(Jon and Garfield are walking through the front lawn.)
Jon: Yesiree, Garfield, there's nothing like the feel of fresh, cool grass on your fee-Hey, there are ants in this grass! Ow! Ow! Owie! Ow!
(There is now a snake coiled around Jon's leg.)
Jon: A GARDEN SNAKE! YAAAAH!
(Jon retreats to the sidewalk, which, unfortunately for him, is...)
Jon: HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT!
(His frantic dancing causes him to step in some...)
Jon: GAAH! GUM!
Garfield: (still in the grass) Shall we have a moment of silence for this man's dignity?
(16 Aug 1998)
  • (Odie's dingleball passes through Garfield's legs)
Garfield: Uh-oh.
Dingleball: Dingle dingle
(The dingleball passes through Jon's legs. Garfield is now riding Odie. Jon is reading the newspaper and the door is open.)
Jon: YAAAAAHH!! (They are now outside. Odie is chasing the dingleball, Garfield has Jon's feet in his hands, and Jon is waving his hands around with his newspaper in his face. two cops are watching the whole scene.)
Cop #1: I'd say they've broken at least three city ordanances, right, Bubba?
Cop #2: I didn't see nothin'. let's go get a donut.
  • (There is a purple sign around Garfield's neck. It reads "Hunter")
(There is also a light blue sign around Squeak's neck that reads "Prey")
Jon: See, Garfield... You are the hunter... the mouse is the prey. Now what does the hunter do?
(Garfield & Squeak take off their signs and hang a yellow sign around Jon's neck that reads "Dork Boy".)
  • Jon: You know, I've always felt like I was destined for greater things... (a very loud snort is then heard.) What was THAT?
Garfield: (holding nose) A really painful stifled laugh.

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