Frasier (16 September 1993 – 13 May 2004) is an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers. The show was critically acclaimed and won a record 37 Emmy Awards during its run.
The Good Son [1.1]Edit
- Frasier: Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.
- Niles: I thought you liked my Maris!
- Frasier: I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun... except without the warmth.
- Niles: Remember what Mom always said: A handshake is as good as a hug.
- Frasier: The rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it?
- Roz: Here, your brother called.
- Frasier: Roz, in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.
- Roz: Did I ever tell you what this little button does?
- Frasier: I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?
- Roz: Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilled yogurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".
- Frasier: You say my brother called.
Space Quest [1.2]Edit
- Frasier: Thanks, Niles. You are a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
- Niles: You're a good brother, too.
- Niles: So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.
Dinner at Eight [1.3]Edit
- Frasier: I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
- Martin: He cut you off!
- Frasier: That doesn't matter. You do not antagonise a man whose bumper sticker says: "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"
- Martin: Big talk from a Volvo.
- Frasier: [about Daphne] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
I Hate Frasier Crane [1.4]Edit
- Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.
- Frasier: You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?
- Niles: She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?
- Frasier: As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane." What trenchant criticism. Move aside, Voltaire. Step back in the shadows, H. L. Mencken. There's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef d'oeuvre: "I... hate... Frasier Crane."
- [Frasier cannot fathom why Martin stopped speaking to Irene after one phone call]
- Niles: Who knows why anybody does anything?
- Frasier: [looks incredulously at him] Remind me again what you do for a living.
- Frasier: How can anyone make a sound judgement about another person on the basis of one phone call?
- Niles: [looks back] Remind me again what it is you do for a living.
The Crucible [1.6]Edit
- Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
- Niles: She's on your bed.
- Frasier: My bed?
- Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.
- Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.
- Niles: Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
- [Catherine is crying]
- Frasier: Oh, no, no, no, don't cry. You're in a place of business here.
- Catherine: Your wife is really lucky.
- Frasier: Well, I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over.
- Daphne: My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be 93.
- Martin: Really?
- Daphne: He'd lie there on the sofa and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say: "He might as well be a dead man." Then, of course, one day we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy. For weeks, she kept insisting: "He's napping, he's napping."
- [Martin and Daphne are singing Deck the Halls]
- Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me. Exactly how long have I been asleep?
Beloved Infidel [1.8]Edit
- [Dinner with Niles holds several surprises]
- Frasier: You know, Niles, maybe you should have that Martini after all.
- Niles: I can't, Frasier; I'm driving.
- Frasier: [still reading the menu] Not anymore; they just towed your car.
Selling Out [1.9]Edit
- Frasier: [to a caller] Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
- Frasier: The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, isn't it?
- Daphne: What about Dr Sneezy's cold medicine?
- Frasier: Dr Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus probably should have tipped you off.
- [On the subject of a film (likely to have been Basic Instinct)]
- Niles: Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video. I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night! And that was no mean feat; her room, as you know, is across the hall!
- Niles: I really must go. I'm hosting a seminar on multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.
Death Becomes Him [1.11]Edit
- Frasier: Roz, why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion, we always end up talking about your sex life?
- Roz: [smugly] Because I have one.
- [It seems that Doctor Newman was both healthy and in good shape when he died]
- Allen: Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?
- Frasier: My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead?
- [As Frasier presents the Christmas Day show, more and more depressing tales of woe are heard.]
- Caller: I remember that Christmas when I ran into my mother's room, tears streaming down my face, and I said "Mummy, Mummy, the puppy Santa gave me won't wake up."
- Frasier: I'm having a young lady over on Friday night. I was hoping that maybe you could take Dad out for me.
- Niles: Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.
- Frasier: Why? You have plans Friday?
- Niles: No, I have plans Saturday.
Can't Buy Me Love [1.14]Edit
- Niles: [about Maris] She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
- Daphne: Oh, dear... Did a plane almost crash?
- Niles: No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.
- Bulldog: Hey, T.J.! How was it, man?
- T.J. Smith: It was horrible! They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy! The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye!
- [Roz walks in]
- Roz: Where do I pay?
- Frasier: Roz!
- Roz: I saw what I wanted and I went after it!
You Can't Tell a Crook By His Cover [1.15]Edit
- Frasier: [showing Martin around the station] Now, don't touch that! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment!
- Martin: What is it?
- Frasier: I have no idea. Roz told me never to touch it!
- Niles: My taekwondo instructor says I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening.
The Show Where Lilith Comes Back [1.16]Edit
- [Lilith is criticising Frasier's advice on air]
- Frasier: Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
- Lilith: What do you mean by "celebrity"?
- Frasier: [darkly] Oh, they know you!
- [Frasier is very annoyed that Roz has put Lilith's call through on his show]
- Frasier: Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean?
- Roz: [smugly] It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.
- Frasier: Do you wanna bag dinner?
- Lilith: There's a bed and an honor bar, what more do we need?
- Frasier: Come to me, my white-hot flame!
- [Lilith jumps into Frasier's arms, and he carries her to the bed behind them.]
- Lilith: I was insane to divorce you!
- Frasier: You're in my every waking thought!
- Lilith: You're the only man I've ever loved!
- Frasier: So are you!
- [Daphne offers to cook for Niles and Maris]
- Niles: Just bear in mind: she can't have shellfish, poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, MSG or dairy... Did I say nuts?
- Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied!
- [Frasier is worried about Niles and Daphne alone in Niles' house.]
- Frasier: My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
And the Whimper Is... [1.18]Edit
- Niles: I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.
- [Bebe narrowly avoids making an ageist remark about Fletcher Grey when she sees Martin]
- Bebe: You're even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were twenty years older, they couldn't keep me away from you.
- Martin: That's why I keep this cane.
Give Him the Chair! [1.19]Edit
- [Eddie is heard barking.]
- Frasier: What's the matter with him?
- Daphne: He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone, too. I think he suspects foul play.
- Frasier: [to Eddie] Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!
- Martin: I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.
- Frasier: How about Florida?
- Martin: I heard that.
- Martin: Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the US hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.
- [Frasier explains his quandary to Niles in Café Nervosa]
- Frasier: The other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall.
- Niles: That is alarming.
- Frasier: Well, I turned her down.
- Niles: No, no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?
- [Niles has discovered a new party game, in which contestants select a meal, aria and wine to take to a desert island. He gives his choices]
- Niles: The coulibiac of salmon at Guy Savoy, "Vissi d'arte" from Tosca, and the Côtes du Rhône Châteauneuf-du-Pape '47.
- Frasier: You are so predictable!
Travels With Martin [1.21]Edit
- Frasier: Niles, if Dad and I get into a Winnebago, only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!
- Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.
- Niles: I'm sorry, Frasier. I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm not going.
- [Martin and Daphne enter.]
- Martin: Great news! Daphne's coming, too.
- Niles: And so am I!
Author, Author [1.22]Edit
- Niles: All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library, go to the card catalogue and see my name under "Mental Illness."
- Frasier: What we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes, and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.
- Niles: Frasier, while you were over there, mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I've had a breakthrough.
- [While brawling over their inability to write a book, due to their sibling rivalry]
- Niles: My God, My God! I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
- Frasier: You stole my mommy!
Frasier Crane's Day Off [1.23]Edit
- Frasier is clearly ill, but reluctant to miss work
- Frasier: Well Dad, as you've often said, "If you can walk, you can work". Took sort of an ironic twist when you got shot in the hip!
- Martin: Well, at least I had a real job! Half your listening audience hears voices already, the other half talks to themselves. If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?
- [After Niles initially refused to fill in for his brother, Frasier says he does not possess the right qualities anyway]
- Niles: Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you!
- Frasier: Then you're not going to do my show?
- Niles: No, I am going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever dreamed of doing it!
- [Niles is substituting for Frasier on his radio show.]
- Niles: Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today!
- [After a drug-addled Frasier has locked himself in the studio]
- Roz: Can I get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane!
My Coffee with Niles [1.24]Edit
- Frasier: I asked Dad to get me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? "What's the magic word?"
- Niles: You're kidding.
- Frasier: He didn't think it was very amusing when I said, "Rest home!"
Slow Tango in South Seattle [2.1]Edit
- [During an interview for KACL, the author is asked about the inspiration for his book. Frasier is listening outside]
- Fallow: Well, it was actually given to me…by God.
- Frasier: By GOD? Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God, and he knows it!
- Frasier: You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.
- Roz: Oh, no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.
- Frasier: Well, then, perhaps you're right.
- Roz: See how easy it is.
- [Martin is annoyed by Frasier's repeated instructions to take Eddie to the vet]
- Martin: If anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. [exits]
- Niles: You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he's wrong?
- Daphne: [about drawer-dividers for socks] I saw them once in a catalogue, but I couldn't imagine who in the world would buy such silly things. Course, I hadn't met Dr. Crane yet.
- Martin: I used to think there'd been some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell.
The Matchmaker [2.3]Edit
- [Daphne explains that the smoke alarm over her bed went off]
- Daphne: God, the noise the bloody thing makes! It would be less upsetting just to wake up on fire!
- Roz: God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
- Frasier: Yes, well I was up 'til all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which of us has the more pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.
Flour Child [2.4]Edit
- Martin: One minute it's just a blob in some lady's stomach, the next minute it's a person. Blob... Person.
- Frasier: The miracle of birth, summed up in one poetic phrase.
- [Niles' bag of flour is showing signs of fire damage after being dried beside the hearth]
- Frasier: He caught on fire?
- Niles: It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
- [Daphne is dressed up for a date, and is testing her perfume when Niles arrives]
- Niles: [sniffs around Daphne] Is that "Forbidden"?
- Frasier: In every sense of the word!
- [Martin reveals the truth about MeadowWood Properties' demolition plans while proposing a toast, prompting his sons to down their boilermakers]
- Martin: To Duke's!
- Regulars: To Duke's!
- Frasier: [to Duke] Two more!
- [Frasier has declined to make a personal appearance at a hospital.]
- Roz: What? You're turning down a hospital?
- Frasier: Don't look at me that way.
- Roz: Hey, I'm with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine!" "I want a kidney!"
- Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first, a message from a new sponsor. [reads] "Death is inevitable"...
The Candidate [2.7]Edit
- Daphne: It makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England.
- Frasier: You don't need guns: you got kidney pie.
- [Despite a shocking revelation about Patterson, Niles is still keen for him to defeat Thorpe]
- Niles: Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets?
- Frasier: At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen.
- [Martin remembers how he met his wife.]
- Martin: Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
- Frasier: Dad, you're a ghoul.
- Martin: I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline. They hadn't moved the body yet.
- [Niles' Freudian slip]
- Niles: If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? Someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!…Marriage…I have to go now.
- [Lilith introduces her boyfriend to Frasier]
- Lilith: Brian is a seismologist at MIT.
- Frasier: Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian being a seismologist, and you having so many faults.
- [Frasier is angry with Lilith for interrupting his time with Madeline]
- Frasier: My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart but I don't think anything could kill you!
Burying a Grudge [2.10]Edit
- Frasier: There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.
- Daphne: I had a mole removed.
- Niles: Where?
- Daphne: Just south of Manchester.
- Niles: I meant, where on your body?
- Daphne: So did I.
Seat of Power [2.11]Edit
- [Confronted with Danny again, Niles is having trouble controlling his anger. Frasier takes him in hand]
- Niles: I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again!
- Frasier: No you won't. You're not a child any more. Now come with me: I'm taking you to the bathroom!
- Martin: Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet! Some guy just had his head in there!
Roz in the Doghouse [2.12]Edit
- [Roz intervenes on Frasier's show with some advice of her own]
- Frasier: Who's next, Roz?
- Roz: If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorcé will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.
- Frasier: The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana!
- [Daphne is giving Roz's ankle a much-appreciated massage]
- Roz: Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.
- Daphne: Actually, I'd need a raise to get me to "not enough".
Retirement is Murder [2.13]Edit
- [Frasier has an idea for how to take Martin's mind away from the murder case: the basketball game]
- Frasier: It's the archetypal male bonding ritual.
- Niles: Couldn't we just go to the woods, kill something and have done with it?
Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice... [2.14]Edit
- Frasier: I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.
- [Frasier is waiting in Café Nervosa for a man who claims he can return his stolen briefcase. Niles discovers it contained his car keys]
- Niles: Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?
- Frasier: Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be… [turns to look through the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! [leaps up and rushes out of the door] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!
You Scratch My Book... [2.15]Edit
- [Niles has advised Daphne to reinvest her money from the sale of her shares. Frasier walks in and wonders why she looks so excited]
- Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
- [Niles is laughing while perusing Dr. Snow's manuscript]
- Frasier: Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
- Niles: I can't help it. Have you read this?
- Frasier: I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.
- [Sam is telling Frasier about his fiancée]
- Sam: She's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kinda chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.
- Frasier: You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.
- [Just after they meet Sheila, Frasier reveals to Roz and Niles that he slept with her]
- Roz: You slept with her?
- Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!
Daphne's Room [2.17]Edit
- [Niles wonders how to reconcile with Maris]
- Martin: When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
- Niles: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig.
- [Frasier does not approve of Niles buying Maris a car]
- Frasier: I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.
- Niles: And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?
The Club [2.18]Edit
- Martin: Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.
- Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent, while my eminence was merely... imminent.
Someone To Watch Over Me [2.19]Edit
- Niles: Well, as some illustrious person once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
- Frasier: You just made that up, didn't you?
- Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.
Breaking The Ice [2.20]Edit
- [Niles is bemused by the smell of Martin's tackle box covered by Daphne's air freshener]
- Niles: It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.
- [Daphne encourages Frasier to go ice fishing with Martin]
- Frasier: So you're suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself in something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all just to hear the words "I love you"?
- Daphne: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.
An Affair to Forget [2.21]Edit
- Martin: Seattle's a big city. I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.
- Frasier: Yes, but are they wealthy students?
- Martin: [sarcastically] No, they're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.
- [Niles accuses Gunnar in English, which Frasier translates into Spanish for Marta, so she can tell Gunnar in German]
- Gunnar: Schweinhund! [draws his sword]
- Niles: Alright, fine! You want to challenge me? En garde!
- Frasier: Oh, yes, Niles! That's just what we need: a fourth language.
- [Frasier is watching a daytime soap opera with Daphne and Martin]
- Frasier: My God, in one scene they've got Sky, Xena and Slate!
- Daphne: I don't think someone called "Frasier" should be pointing any fingers.
- Frasier: Is this the way you spend your days when I'm not at home?
- Daphne: Not quite. When you're not home, I can bloody well hear what they're saying!
- Frasier: Well, you wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue: "Oh Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you; he loves Placenta!"
- [After Bebe has treated Daphne as a slave, she brings Bebe a snack]
- Daphne: Will there be anything else?
- Bebe: No, you run along, I'm fine.
- Daphne: You're sure now? Because I could wait until you've finished the biscuit and floss your teeth for you!
The Innkeepers [2.23]Edit
- (Gil announces that Orsini's is closing.)
- Gil: And so tonight a sad adieu to the grande dame of Seattle restaurants.
- Roz: (aside to Frasier) I thought he was the grande dame of Seattle restaurants
- Frasier: All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!
- Niles: Wait, wait! What?
- Frasier: I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!
- Niles: Wait, wait. How do you suggest I do that?
- Frasier: How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!
- Niles: How much fire power do you suppose is necessary to embed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?
- Frasier: Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exciting world of food service.
Dark Victory [2.24]Edit
- Niles: [to Frasier] You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! [turns] Happy birthday, Dad.
- [Martin blows out the candles of his birthday cake at the same time the power goes out.]
- Niles: Well, at least we know there's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs...
- [Niles leaves Frasier's apartment during a power outage. He returns a few minutes later, gasping for breath]
- Niles: Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!
She's the Boss [3.1]Edit
- When Martin learns that Frasier's new boss is a woman, he expects his son to resent the situation
- Frasier: If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would never have been conceived!
- Eddie's barking at the Doberman upstairs is keeping Frasier awake. He is wearing a space collar following a recent fight
- Frasier: Oh, for God's sake! I am trying to get some sleep. I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone!
Shrink Rap [3.2]Edit
- Frasier has conscripted Daphne and Martin to help him move into Niles' office
- Martin: You know the best thing about gettin' old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane…but people still ask you to help them move!
- In the midst of an argument, Niles has just stormed out of his group therapy session, followed by his brother
- Niles: Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it!
- Frasier: You are not scaring me…the thumb goes on the outside, Niles! On the outside!
- [Frasier has arrived home to find Eddie lying on the sofa.]
- Frasier: Dad? I thought we had an agreement. Eddie doesn't roll around on my sofa and I don't throw him in front of a bus.
- [The Cranes are complaining about their Aunt Louise, who never liked anything, specially travelling]
- Martin: She just sat around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate.
- Frasier: My guess is she finally made it!
Leapin' Lizards [3.4]Edit
Frasier has just fallen victim to one of Bulldog's practical jokes on air
- Frasier: Well, that's one on me. Or rather, one on me and my call-screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice wooden horse! Of course I'll sign for it."
- Bulldog: [to caller] You're in the Doghouse.
- Caller: Hey, am I on?
- Bulldog: Yeah, take as long as you want. [hangs up and goes to the next call]
- Roz: Well, when I'm handing out baloney sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter, it will do my heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing two-hundred-dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets!
- Frasier: [Sheepish] It's not like we don't recycle the bottles.
- Frasier: I cut myself because I was shaving without water, and why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes which called for Cecil, who ate the cat who killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!
- Frasier has been left to negotiate with Kate
- Kate: Why are you gunning for me?
- Frasier: Gunning? For you? This isn't about you; it's about what you're doing to those people. It's the shame of Seattle.
- Kate: No, no. This is about your ego, which is the size of Seattle!
- Frasier fumes at the thought that Kate's behaviour could just be that of a femme fatale
- Daphne: It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
- Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!
- Niles: I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry: if I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.
- The day after the broadcast
- Bulldog: I'm proud of ya, man!
- Frasier: Doesn't that put the cherry on the parfait(!)
- Frasier is trying to persuade Marta to let him speak to Maris
- Marta: Missy Crane say, “No you Doctor Crane, no other Doctor Crane, and no Crane with a cane!”
- [Martin is giving the police a description of Maris]
- Martin: Yes, thin. Make that very thin. Caucasian. Very Caucasian.
Frasier Grinch [3.9]Edit
- At the KACL Christmas party, Bulldog enters Frasier's studio wearing mistletoe over his head
- Bulldog: Hey Roz, you know what's over my head?
- Roz: Almost any clever remark?
- Frasier has been sent the wrong presents from the educational toy company
- Frasier: These are for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Do you know what this means?
- Niles: Yes: the Cranes of Maine have got your 'Living Brain'!
- Martin is writing a letter, and Niles cannot help proofreading it over his shoulder
- Niles: It's best not to end a sentence with a preposition.
- (Martin writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Niles)
- Niles: Not to be technical, but “off” is a preposition too.
- Daphne is trying to cheer up Frasier before his date
- Daphne: There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those questions you ask. “What's your favorite food?” “What's your favorite color?” “If you were to come back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?” If she were to ask you that one, what would you say?
- Frasier: “Check, please” comes to mind.
The Friend [3.11]Edit
- [Niles explains why he doesn't like horse races.]
- Niles: It's the jockeys, if you must know. Diminutive, underweight figures in expensive silks, wielding riding crops, just remind me too much of Maris.
- Roz interrupts Frasier during his show to stop him inviting listeners to accost him in public
- Frasier: I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.
- Roz: Well, I believe in the strangeness of strangers.
Come Lie With Me [3.12]Edit
- Frasier: Daphne, you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realized how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I — both dead! Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.
- Frasier: [To Martin] Would you get Eddie off of the couch? Or else it's out to the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!
Moon Dance [3.13]Edit
- Niles: I've taken Maris to hundreds of these events and she has not once wanted to dance. Of course, Maris hates public displays of rhythm.
- Martin: So this one night I invited her down to the corner bar.
- Niles: Coroners have their own bar?
- Martin: No. Corner, Niles — the corner bar!
- Frasier breaks the news of Diane's return to Niles
- Frasier: She's back! The scourge of my existence!
- Niles: Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall…
- Diane is telling a tiresome story over dinner. Martin finds an effective way to take the wind out of her sails
- Diane: I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of…of, um…
- Niles: Sea kelp?
- Diane: Exactly right, sea kelp!
- Martin: Oh, that's funny; I thought he said “seek help”
A Word to the Wiseguy [3.15]Edit
- Roz has given Niles the details of her shady contact, and Frasier thinks he is mad for even considering it
- Frasier: I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a Martin Scorsese film!
- During the scene where Jerome drops by unexpectedly
- Niles: He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris' legal problem, and in return, I promised him a favor. Oh God! Do you think that's why he's here; to collect?
- Frasier: No Niles, he's probably hosting a luau, and came by to borrow our poi ramekins(!)
Look Before You Leap [3.16]Edit
- Frasier: It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn from his own mistakes, but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.
- Niles: You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.
- Frasier: Oh, Niles.
- Niles: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not gettin' any.
- Frasier: Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know, I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it’s springtime. I was walking down the street, I passed a pet store, and in the window I could see two snakes doing a mating dance.
- Roz: If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation.
High Crane Drifter [3.17]Edit
- Someone has just borrowed the video of How Green Was My Valley before Frasier had the chance
- Frasier: Excuse me. Is there another copy?
- Video Store Clerk: Oh yeah, that'd be across the street in our "How Green Was My Valley" annex(!)
- Frasier delivers a brief but impassioned speech, bellowing from his balcony.
- Frasier: People of Seattle, listen to me! We are not barbarians, we are not Neanderthals and we are not French! Do you hear that, you up there?!
- Frasier: Chainsaw? Of the Newport Chainsaws? How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a pent house?
- Daphne: His last album sold 5 million copies.
- Frasier: Ah well then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.
- Frasier: No matter how provoked you may have been, there is no earthly justification for <changes to next caller> setting someone's lawn on fire!
- Niles: Ah, there he is! The man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera!
Chess Pains [3.18]Edit
- Niles is reluctant to play chess with Frasier
- Niles: Maris and I used to play chess every Thursday night. Oh, how she loved the game.
- Frasier: No wonder: the king is stationary, while the queen has all the power!
Crane Vs. Crane [3.19]Edit
- Mr. Safford's lawyer, John Giroux, approaches Frasier on behalf of his client
- Giroux: Judge him by his words and his actions, not by how old he is.
- Frasier: You sound like my father: a man who believes that burial is a form of age discrimination.
- Niles arrives at Frasier's apartment. Daphne answers the door
- Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything about last night's boxing match. Your dad hasn't seen it yet.
- Niles: Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season.
Police Story [3.20]Edit
- Roz: Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I'd have thrown you a birthday party at the station.
- Frasier: (through his teeth) Question asked, question answered.
- Roz cannot believe how Niles spends his money
- Roz: You spend money like a drunken sailor.
- Niles: She said authoritatively.
- Niles doesn't believe Bebe can quit smoking on her own
- Niles: You obviously didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.
- Frasier: She always looks like that - she's an agent.
Frasier Loves Roz [3.22]Edit
- Roz wonders what she is doing wrong, if all her friends are getting married but not she
- Frasier: Well, do you want me to answer as a friend, or a therapist?
- Roz: As a friend.
- Frasier: See a therapist.
- Frasier regrets trying to persuade Roz, and neglects to notice the on-air light behind him
- Frasier: Me and my stupid advice! (sees the light)…will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!
The Focus Group [3.23]Edit
- Martin reminds Frasier of a school play in which he appeared, which was warmly received but had one bad review
- Frasier: But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, “Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in Bye Bye Birdie, made this reviewer say, ‘Bye-bye, breakfast!’ ”
- Niles: That review was a mash note compared to my first draft.
- On the way out to dinner with the family, Frasier pulls up outside a news stall
- Frasier: There he is: the man who doesn’t like me.
- Martin: I knew we should’ve taken two cars!
You Can Go Home Again [3.24]Edit
- Daphne is explaining to Frasier how tedious she finds holidays spent at home in England
- Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?
- Frasier: Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that make life so rich…and psychiatrists richer.
- Frasier is having a bad first day at KACL
- Frasier: In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-racking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!
The Two Mrs. Cranes [4.1]Edit
- Martin is trying to persuade one of his sons to go with him to his platoon reunion
- Martin: Come on, they're great guys: Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course, his name's not really Jim; we call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank “Bud” because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys!
- Niles: We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it.
- [Daphne is pretending to be Niles' wife in order to let her ex-fiancé down easily.]
- Clive: Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, you're still listed as Moon.
- Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
- Martin: [pretending to be a retired astronaut] I remember the first time I drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it right into the Sea of Tranquility!
Love Bites Dog [4.2]Edit
- Bulldog: Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way, my other senses are enhanced!
- It seems that Bulldog is in love
- Bulldog: You know what? I gotta call her. (picks up the phone) No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get. (slams phone down) But I miss the sound of her voice. I’m calling her. (picks up phone) No, wait. It’s too needy. Chicks hate that. (puts phone down) I shouldn’t call her. But I want to! (picks up phone before putting it down again) Doc, what should I do?!
- Frasier: Don’t ask me. I don’t even know who you are!
The Impossible Dream [4.3]Edit
- Niles is relating an episode from that day
- Niles: I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.
- Frasier: Just tell me when the story ends.
- Frasier tells his father the truth about his dream
- Frasier: The dream is really about me and a male co-worker, Gil Chesterton.
- Martin: You don't care if I ever sleep again, do you?
A Crane's Critique [4.4]Edit
- Niles notices Roz checking out a man
- Niles: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
- Roz: Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.
- Niles sees an author that he and Frasier idolised
- Roz: Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?
- Niles: I can't just walk up to a god like that.
- Roz: Well, then, find a subtler way.
- Niles: In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?
Head Game [4.5]Edit
- While standing in for his brother, Niles finds himself giving useful advice to a listener's cat
- Linda: What did you say to him?
- Niles: Well, I'd like to tell you, but that would violate doctor-cat confidentiality!
- Martin and Daphne have just witnessed the results of Niles' handiwork on Reggie McLemore
- Martin: I gotta say: I'm impressed.
- Daphne: Yeah. I'm starting to think maybe I should spend an hour or two on the couch with you. (Niles grins)
- Martin: Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes!
- Niles: (grin fades) Thanks, Dad.
Mixed Doubles [4.6]Edit
- Roz is comforting Daphne after her break-up, in a way only she knows how
- Roz: Now, Daphne, if the jewelery wasn't that good and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost here?
- Frasier: Dr. Roz wades in with the Gabor approach to therapy!
- Daphne: Last night, Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls “The Sure Thing”.
- Frasier: How flattering! They've named a bar after her.
A Lilith Thanksgiving [4.7]Edit
- Frasier asks why Lilith hasn't gone with her husband to a volcano site
- Niles: Because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in Nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.
- Frasier: (incredulously) As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury!
- Martin: Nice neighborhood. I noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddie's age playing in the street.
- Lilith: Yes, he's spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns.
Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven [4.8]Edit
- Frasier: [about Maris] By calling her so many times, you give her all the power! You're much better off coming from a position of strength!
- Niles: Don't pour that sherry on your shirt: it will stain.
- Frasier: What?
- Niles: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we give each other patently obvious advice.
- Niles: [about Maris] She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.
- Frasier: Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!
- Sherry: Oh, I love making people laugh. To me, humor is like medicine!
- Niles: (to Frasier) I guess we're in the placebo group.
- Frasier: [To Niles] I see you are still waiting on your spine donor!
Liar! Liar! [4.10]Edit
- Niles has a back injury, and to impress Daphne he claims it was from a daring move in a squash game
- Niles: You know, I should never have even attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick.
- Daphne leaves the room
- Martin: You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?
- Niles: Quiet!
- Frasier decides to phone John's wife and help fix their marriage
- Frasier: (on phone) Mrs Rajeski? Hello. You don't know me, but I...
- Sound of Niles screaming in pain from the next room
- Frasier: ...Well, that's remarkable! Yes, I am a friend of your husband's.
Three Days of the Condo [4.11]Edit
- Man: You are our only chance, Dr. Crane, and she must be defeated. She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.
- Frasier: Of bad water pressure?
- Man: No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair.
- Roz advises Frasier against running for condo board president
- Roz: If somebody wants a garbage disposal, they'll bug you day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.
- Frasier: Have you served on a condo board?
- Roz: No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.
Death and the Dog [4.12]Edit
- Niles: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think: what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me? Mozart'll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln!
- Frasier: “We know for whom the bell tolls.”
- (A distant bell sounds, from the kitchen)
- Martin: Anybody else hear that?
Four for the Seesaw [4.13]Edit
- Niles is finding this new spontaneous attitude to dating quite exhilarating
- Frasier: Feel like a new man?
- Niles: I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!
- Maris phones Niles to tell him he cannot see other people
- Niles: You see what's happening here?
- Frasier: Yes. Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!
To Kill a Talking Bird [4.14]Edit
- Frasier: [about Martin's chair] Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this monstrosity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
- Martin: You know, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
- Frasier: Dad, that will never happen.
- Martin: Thank you.
- Frasier: I have medical power of attorney. It won't cost me a thing.
- Niles: [about his new pet bird] She's very exotic. She only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.
- Martin: Geez, I'm gettin' nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!
Roz's Krantz & Gouldenstein are Dead [4.15]Edit
- Eddie is dancing, and Martin is very proud
- Martin: He's practically doin' a polka.
- Frasier: Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the carnival.
- Niles is back from a wedding in the woods. Daphne finds that his shoulder is sticky and wonders why. Frasier asks if he took a date
- Niles: I asked Maris.
- Daphne: Sap.
- Frasier: I think Daphne speaks for us all.
The Unnatural [4.16]Edit
- Frederick is returning from a walk with Martin
- Frederick: Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?
- Frasier: No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a SWAT team.
- Martin: They got there later!
- Frasier and Niles are at Café Nervosa discussing the impending softball game. Frederick and Daphne arrive from the amusement park
- Frasier: So you see the problem?
- Niles: I certainly do!
- Frasier: No, that's your problem!
Roz's Turn [4.17]Edit
- Roz: It's not like she [Bebe] worships the Devil.
- Frasier: She doesn't have to. He worships her!
- Frasier: Not one more deceitful word... your tongue could open a wine bottle!
- Frasier: (in a spooky voice) Nightmare Inn.
- Martin: Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm and everyone's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.
- Frasier: Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
- Niles: So we can stop wondering.
- [Roz and Frasier are acting in a live performance of a radio drama.]
- Roz: "There's someone outside that window!"
- Frasier: "Why, yes, Ms. Thorndyke, it appears to be"...[cues organ music, but calliope music plays instead]... the ice cream truck!
Three Dates and a Breakup [4.19]Edit
- Niles: Her lips said "No," but her eyes said "Read my lips."
- Frasier is very proud after being asked out by two women; Niles is bitter because no one will look twice at him
- Frasier: My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip!
- Niles: I think I feel a furball coming up.
Daphne Hates Sherry [4.20]Edit
- Daphne: [about Sherry] She says I'm too rigid.
- Niles: Nonsense!
- Daphne: And that I'm too picky.
- Niles: Poppycock!
- Daphne: And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone...
- Niles: Just to play devil's advocate...
- Roz and Bulldog are fighting in the studio, and Frasier is in no state to put up with them
- Frasier: As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my…Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.
Are You Being Served? [4.21]Edit
- Frasier disapproves of modern society's tendency to hug all the time
- Roz: Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
- Frasier: Well, in that case you should outlive Styrofoam!
- Niles has had a panic attack and rushed into the toilet. After a sound resembling a gunshot, he emerges covered head to foot in shaving foam
- Daphne: Dr. Crane! Are you all right?
- Niles: (shaken) I'm fine. Just a little hot…and foamy…
- Martin: You know what must've happened? My Hot & Foamy must have exploded!
- Daphne: He was a detective, you know(!)
Ask Me No Questions [4.22]Edit
- Niles is keeping Frasier waiting for their squash game, by having a doting phone conversation with Maris. Frasier takes action
- Niles: Oh, now, Maris. (phone beeps) Wait, hold on a second, it’s my other line. (switches lines) Hello?
- Frasier: (using his landline) Get the hell off the phone!
- Pressing Frasier for an answer to his question, Niles poses a hypothetical situation for him, in which his brother is God
- Niles: Let's say you are the supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth. What would you do?
- Frasier: (glances at Eddie) Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species!
Odd Man Out [4.23]Edit
- Daphne: I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr. Crane to death.
- Niles: Well, we all have to die of something.
- Frasier: I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.
- Niles: Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.
Frasier's Imaginary Friend [5.1]Edit
- Neither Niles nor Martin believe Frasier's story that he is dating a supermodel
- Niles: Doesn't he realise how outlandish it all sounds?
- Martin: Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!
- Frasier tries desperately to convince his family
- Frasier: I am not crazy! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galápagos Islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Now is that so hard to believe?!
The Gift Horse [5.2]Edit
- Daphne fills Niles in with Sherry's meat-based plans for the food at Martin's party
- Niles: I assume these colourful balloons are for the between-course angioplasty(!)
- Frasier comes home to find speaker towers placed around his living room
- Frasier: Dear God...It's Stonehenge
- Sherry loves the new giant screen TV
- Sherry: Wow, she's a beaut! Marty and I are gonna be spending a lot more time here.
- Frasier: It's a gift that keeps on giving(!)
- Martin: I thought you were getting me a Sherlock Holmes outfit. He didn't wear a bowler.
- Niles: Well, they were all out of Sherlock Holmes, so I put together something else for you. Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight, you'll be Lord Peter Wimsey!
- Martin: Who the hell's that?
- Niles: He's a celebrated bon vivant sleuth from a series of novels by Dorothy L. Sayers.
- Martin:Well, I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's Wimsey!
- Frasier at the party meeting a woman dressed as Eve from the Bible
- Frasier: Let me guess... Lady Godiva?
- Eve: No, Eve, from the Bible.
- Frasier: Well, now I know why they call it "The Good Book".
The Kid [5.4]Edit
- [Frasier enters Café Nervosa.]
- Frasier: Morning, Roz!
- Roz: [annoyed] Frasier! What are you doing here?
- Frasier: Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.
- Frasier: Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?
- Martin: Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some "foundation garments."
- Frasier: I think they call them "bras" now.
- Martin: Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.
The 1000th Show [5.5]Edit
- Frasier has just been approached for an autograph in Café Nervosa, and told he is “the smartest guy on the face of the earth”
- Frasier: Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in Tibet, but why split hairs? (signs autograph, exit fan) Where was I?
- Niles: You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.
- Daphne is on the phone trying desperately to renew her passport, and she feels the victim of discrimination
- Daphne: No, I’m a resident alien here from England. You know, the country that used to own you people!
- Martin: You’ll go right to the head of the line now(!)
Voyage of the Damned [5.6]Edit
- Martin and Eddie have just come in from the rain, and Eddie has shaken himself dry all over Frasier's recently waxed floor
- Frasier: Daphne, get this canine sprinkler out of here!
- Daphne: Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane. As my Mum used to say: “There’ll be no dogs in Hell.”
- Frasier: I sincerely doubt that!
- Carlos: Buenas noches. ¿Hablas español?
- Roz: Uh, not really.
- Carlos: Is no matter. I'm sure you are schooled in the... international language.
- Frasier: Yes, Roz. Say something amusing in Esperanto(!)
My Fair Frasier [5.7]Edit
- Frasier: You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date?
- Roz: Well, it's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone. Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me.
- Frasier: Your "glow." Oh please, Roz. Do you ever think that anyone... could miss your radiant glow?
- Roz: So I tell him, and he says "Fine, it's not a problem." Five minutes later, he tells me his pager is vibrating. He has an emergency. He has to go to work.
- Frasier: Well, maybe he was telling the truth.
- Roz: He sells wicker furniture. Who needs their end tables re-caned at 9:30 at night?
- Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Martin are in Frasier's apartment, discussing Frasier's relationship
- Frasier: You know, it's funny; as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled.
- Niles: I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot. What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in the more…submissive rôle.
- Frasier: What on God's earth are you talking about?
- Daphne: I think what he means is: you're the girl!
Desperately Seeking Closure [5.8]Edit
- Frasier is trying to work out why Sam broke up with him. Roz thinks he is obsessing, and tells him off
- Roz: I've been down this road so many times I call it “The Roz Expressway”.
- Niles: I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.
- Niles establishes that Frasier was not exactly in love; just saw it as a possibility for the future
- Niles: Well, no wonder you're heartbroken; you've just lost the only woman you could even possibly sometime down the line perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one!
Perspectives on Christmas [5.9]Edit
- Martin is practising his song with Frasier and Niles. There is one particularly high note giving him trouble
- Niles: Why don't you start here (“Oh night”)? And I want to hear you really attack the note.
- Martin attempts the phrase of music, and at the ensuing sound Eddie buries his head under a cushion
- Niles: Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.
Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name [5.10]Edit
- In a flashback to Frasier and Niles at school, the pair don't think much of the lunch in the cafeteria
- Young Niles: This lunch is a culinary Hindenburg!
- Frasier is very quick to dismiss Daphne's suggestion of meeting her friend Claire for a date
- Frasier: I would think by now that you'd know my policy on fix-ups.
- Daphne: She's pretty, she's lonely and she's an underwear model.
- Frasier: So you do know my policy. Off we go!
Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do [5.11]Edit
- Daphne has just told Niles and Frasier about discovering the ring
- Niles: Do you know what that means?
- Frasier: (ruefully) Yes! We’re going to hear what Mendelssohn’s Wedding March sounds like on the banjo!
- Frasier is trying to establish whether Martin knows about Sherry’s previous marriages, by telling a falsified anecdote
- Frasier: You know, Dad, I think it all hearkens back to the puritanical streak that still runs through this country. What do you think?
- Martin: There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this family.
The Zoo Story [5.12]Edit
- [The station has hired a tough arbitrator, "The Hammer," to renegotiate everyone's contract. Gil's salary has been slashed, but Bebe and Roz come in cheering.]
- Gil: How on earth did you get all that?
- Bebe: Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried.... Usually, that's just a metaphor.
- Bebe confronts Frasier and presents him with a contract, promising that if he employs her again she will cut him a very good deal
- Frasier: Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?
The Maris Counselor [5.13]Edit
- Niles has broken down in tears in the middle of his therapy group. Frasier is trying to keep the patients calm by claiming it is empathy
- Frasier: We've had quite a catharsis here. Now, traditionally it is the patients that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers.
The Ski Lodge [5.14]Edit
- Maris is ruthless in her pursuit of a divorce settlement
- Niles: When we were courting, I sent her a Valentine that said: "You're the girl my heart adores, everything I have is yours". Now they're calling it a pre-nup.
- Frasier finds Guy waiting in Niles' bed for him to return
- Guy: You are not the Crane I want!
- Frasier: You're not even the sex I want!
- About Annie
- Niles: I grant you, she's cuddly, but isn't she a bit...what would the polite euphemism be? Stupid?
- Frasier: Niles, she's just unschooled, like Eliza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time.
- Niles: Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in Pygmalion.
Room Service [5.15]Edit
- Lilith: Excuse me. I'm looking for Frasier Crane. They told me he'd be here.
- Roz: Lilith, it's me. Roz Doyle.
- Lilith: Oh, yes, it's Frasier's fun-loving assistant...(notices she is pregnant) who's apparently had too much fun... loving.
- [Lilith's husband has left her for their male contractor.]
- Lilith: It's ironic, isn't it? No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it.
- Frasier: Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
- Niles: Oh, so that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.
- Frasier: Go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this...for a man!
- Niles: Damn! I owe Dad five dollars!
- While Frasier waits in the hotel room, Lilith stealthily informs Niles, who is hiding in the en-suite, of his brother's amorous intentions
- Niles: Does the man have no scruples? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you. But the minute my back is turned he sneaks back here and...(catches Lilith's eye) yes, I'm aware of the irony.
- Frasier: You know, it's funny; I have never stopped desiring you, Lilith, even though I know we are completely wrong for each other. But now, when I look at you, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is one bucket of ice water, let me tell you!
Beware of Greeks [5.16]Edit
- Martin blames Frasier for the rift with Nikos' mother
- Martin: I can't believe because of your big mouth, Zora won't even let me in her restaurant!
- Frasier: Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have one of your frequent cravings for stuffed grape leaves and zither music!
- Niles: It's a moot point. We're out of the family, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.
- Martin: Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother, and not see him for five years?
- Frasier: No, but I'd like to give it a try.
The Perfect Guy [5.17]Edit
- Roz is swooning over the station's attractive new host
- Roz: I can't work with a guy that handsome... No offense.
- Frasier: Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to the looks department, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same—
- Roz: Species?
- Frasier: Well, I was going to say "league," but species is so much more insulting.
- Gil: I must admit, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.
- Roz: You didn't notice? You of all people?
- Gil: Just what are you insinuating?
- Roz: Well, you know... you're a little...
- Gil: For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.
- Frasier: You're... married?
- Bulldog: To a woman?
- Gil: Of course to a woman! Well, you've all heard me mention Deb. How many times have I said, "I must run along now, Deb will be waiting!"
- Roz: We thought Deb was your cat.
- Gil: She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop! Honestly, the conclusions people make just because a man dresses well, and knows how to use a pastry bag! [exits in a huff]
- Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.
Bad Dog [5.18]Edit
- Frasier runs into Niles in the elevator, and sees him wearing an absurd-looking grey cap
- Frasier: Niles, what have we determined about your success with…impulse purchases?
- Niles: Really? The salesman thought I could pull it off.
- Frasier: My suggestion exactly.
- Martin has taken a simple but effective approach to exposing Bulldog as a charlatan
- Frasier: Thanks, Dad.
- Martin: I'm not a hero; I just wanted you to shut up.
Frasier Gotta Have It [5.19]Edit
- Frasier tells his family that he tried, and failed, to break up with Caitlin
- Frasier: Why? Because I'm Frasier, and I'm a sexaholic!
- Frasier tries to explain to Caitlin why he thinks things won't work out between them
- Frasier: I'm basically your stuffy, buttoned down sort of guy, you're a free-spirited, adventurous mouse-painting, moon-howling sort of girl!
Roz and the Schnoz [5.21]Edit
- Martin is excited about his trip to San Francisco with Duke to retrace their steps from their shore leave there in 1952
- Martin: Back then, there was no place like Frisco for a single guy cruising the streets looking for a good time.
- Frasier: You know Dad, I think you'll find Frisco hasn't changed all that much.
- [Roz talks about having in-laws without being married.]
- Roz: That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course. [Frasier looks shocked] Shut up. I needed the credits.
The Life of the Party [5.22]Edit
- Niles proudly shows Frasier a photograph of his new 18th-century Turkish prayer rug
- Niles: Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.
- Frasier: Certainly worked for the dealer.
- After Vickie turns him down, Frasier is rather upset. Roz has other things to worry about
- Frasier: What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me?
- Roz: Those are two different questions, really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. Oh, wait, I can't, BECAUSE I'M IN LABOR!
Party, Party [5.23]Edit
- Niles has met a woman who lives in Frasier's building, and things are going well
- Niles: I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained tomorrow during our squash game. My lovemaking can get slightly athletic.
- Frasier: Which is more than can be said for your squash game.
- Martin wants to take Frasier to see Chimps on Ice for his birthday; Frasier wants to stay in and watch Così fan tutte
- Martin: Duke said, in the finale the whole cast skates to the top of this ramp, and then Splat! Right into a tank of whipped cream. Bet they don't do that at your opera.
- Frasier: No, and Mozart's still kicking himself.
Sweet Dreams [5.24]Edit
- Niles offers to take Martin out to a new fusion restaurant. As they leave, Frasier picks up the phone
- Martin: Can't wait. Where are we going, anyway?
- Niles: Well... (closes the door)
- Frasier: Hello, I'd like to order a large pizza, please. What toppings? Just a second. (Martin returns) Dad, what d'you want on your pizza?
- Kenny: Since I fired you, I haven't been able to eat or sleep.
- Frasier: Kenny, it's only been an hour and a half.
Good Grief [6.1]Edit
- Frasier is still in denial
- Frasier: I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.
- Martin: (to Niles) A couple more days like this, he's gonna be in a beloved Seattle institution.
Frasier's Curse [6.2]Edit
- Daphne is relieved when Martin and Niles arrive, as Frasier is depressed after his disastrous job interview
- Daphne: He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden première of Schumann's Second Symphony.
- Niles: (panics) And you left him alone?!
- Frasier announces his alternative plans for the evening, after deciding not to attend the reunion
- Frasier: Tonight, I'll be coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new book on tape: “Depression, Anxiety and Death” as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.
- Daphne: Now who's cursed?!
Dial M for Martin [6.3]Edit
- [Niles sees Roz and Martin having coffee together.]
- Niles: I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
- Roz: [sarcastically] Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.
- Niles: Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
- Daphne announces that maybe it is time she moved on, since Martin may not need her help any more
- Daphne: I'm not like a psychiatrist, who works with someone for years and years and it doesn't matter if they ever get better.
Hot Ticket [6.4]Edit
- Niles is trying to learn how to smoke, before Stephen Kendall joins him for a cigarette at the interval
- Niles: I haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of The Petrified Forest.
- Frasier: Yes, I remember watching you from the petrified audience.
First Do No Harm [6.5]Edit
- Frasier decides to attempt a reconciliation with Marie
- Frasier: Sometimes the best apology is the truth.
- Niles: You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
- Frasier: (pause) Well, not that truth. Some other truth!
- Niles suggests that Frasier may find Marie fascinating because her problems give him a psychiatric challenge
- Frasier: Niles, Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for, and you think all I'm interested in is her mind? How shallow do you think I am?
Secret Admirer [6.6]Edit
- Martin: (looking at a gift that came nestled in shredded paper) Look at this mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again, and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained he can be by somethin' so simple... Poppity-pop-pop-pop! (laughs)
- Niles tells how he returned Maris' gifts and made it clear to her that it was all over
- Niles: She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
- Martin: You know, they got a cream for that.
- Frasier's date was a disaster, and Maris is threatening to ruin Niles
- Niles: I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!
- Frasier: And I won't be!
How to Bury a Millionaire [6.7]Edit
- Niles has made an emergency stop in his hatchback and fallen off the seat. He is talking to Frasier and Martin on the car phone
- Niles: Dad, come quickly! I need your help.
- Martin: Oh, my God! What is it?
- Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.
- Martin has been on an epic journey through Niles' apartment to bring him some aspirin
- Niles: (reads the box) This aspirin's expired.
- Martin: Well, it wasn't when I found it.
The Seal Who Came to Dinner [6.8]Edit
- Daphne chastises Martin for flirting with her friend Pam
- Martin: Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
- Daphne: Yeah, she looked once and it was over.
- Niles is suspected of murder after he is seen dumping a body into the sea from a rowing boat
- Niles: My wife is alive! She's in Antwerp having her elbows done!
- Frasier: Oh, give it up, Niles. Even I didn't believe that one!
Roz, a Loan [6.9]Edit
- Niles: Dad, have you seen Frasier's frittata pan?
- Martin: (looks at him) Hi, Marty Crane. I don't believe we've met.
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz [6.10]Edit
- Helen asks Niles to propose a toast, and he is keen to uphold the Jewish façade
- Niles: L'Chaim! Mazal Tov! Next year in Jerusalem!
- Frasier: [quietly] Take it down a notch, Tevye.
- This continues when Martin discovers the guests and complains that no one informed him
- Frasier: Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?
- Niles: Oh, all right, but he'll probably just kvetch at me and frankly I don't need the tsuris…
- Frasier: Niles! [mouths] Half that!
Good Samaritan [6.11]Edit
- Niles has come to the police station to bail Frasier out.
- Niles: (to the desk sergeant) Excuse me, if you could get our bill together, we're ready to settle up here.
- Frasier sits his son down and tries to explain the trouble he has been in
- Frasier: For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man.
- Frederick: Mom's coming?
Our Parents, Ourselves [6.12]Edit
- Roz has just mimed a Hail Mary pass to help Frasier out when a caller starts talking about American football
- Roz: I'm impressed you're so good at charades.
- Frasier: I'm impressed you could mime a virgin.
- Frasier and Roz worry about growing old alone, and Frasier casually suggests a pact
- Roz: You mean, like, in forty years, if neither one of us finds anyone…
- Frasier: Yeah, exactly, we'll marry each other.
- Roz: I was gonna say kill each other.
The Show where Woody Shows Up [6.13]Edit
- Frasier returns from a terrible evening at the karaoke bar
- Frasier: For starters, Woody sang “What Kind of Fool Am I?” Quickly turned into an audience participation number. Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet with “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better”. They were both wrong.
- Woody has announced he has to leave Seattle ahead of schedule, having learned that his daughter has an ear infection
- Frasier: Goodbye, Woods. (closes the door) God bless the virus that invaded that little girl's ear canal!
To Tell the Truth [6.15]Edit
Niles fears that his feelings for Daphne will be made public in court
- Niles: I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner, not have it read back to her by a court stenographer.
- Niles does not appreciate Roz teasing him when she finds out about his feelings for Daphne
- Niles: Obviously you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away.
- Roz: Well, sure I have.
- Niles: I'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the end of the picking season.
- Martin and Frasier are leaving the cottage
- Martin: Well, come on, Frasier, let's go get a nice Sloppy joe. I'll pay for it.
- Frasier: Something tells me I'll pay for it too.
Dinner Party [6.17]Edit
- The message from the Walburts start Frasier and Niles arguing about who "that other one" refers to
- Niles: This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get on an extension.
- Frasier: (sarcastic) Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what's so strange about us.
- Nina Duncan has phoned to announce that the Joaquín she will be bringing is her foster child
- Niles: So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?
- Frasier: Oh, you are so "that other one"!
Taps at the Montana [6.18]Edit
- Niles tries to cover up the death of Baby by pretending she is tired from travelling
- Mrs Latimer: You didn't take her with you to Africa, surely?
- Niles: Well, she has family there.
- Carol Larkin has just suggested a party game of "Murder"
- Mrs. Latimer: Oh, Martin, there you are! Come, hide with me. I know a little nook where no one will find us.
- Martin: This game's a lot scarier than I thought!
- Daphne is in the middle of an online conversation with Donny, and asks Niles what he is saying now
- Niles: Er, "I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish cwumpet". Apparently he has some sort of typing impediment.
- As soon as Niles has left, Frasier decides that he must not be upstaged at the lunch on account of his IQ
- Frasier: Niles will be sitting there rambling on with the geniuses about the cosmos, black holes, matter, antimatter, and I won't matter at all!
Dr. Nora [6.20]Edit
- Niles is trying to grow a moustache. So far it is barely visible
- Niles: I grant you, it's at an early stage.
- Frasier: What stage? Research and development?
- Roz has been flirting with Dr. Nora's producer, George, while Frasier declares war on Dr. Nora herself
- Roz: You don't actually buy all this "no sex" stuff of hers, do you?
- George: Yeah!
- Roz: Well, it's WAR!
When a Man Loves Two Women [6.21]Edit
- Niles learns that Frasier had a date the previous evening, and expresses his condolences, assuming it went badly.
- Niles: A brisk game of squash would be the best thing for you. I can't think of a better way to lift your spirits.
- [Enter Cassandra]
- Cassandra: Good morning.
- Frasier: Keep thinking.
- Frasier now has both Faye and Cassandra in the apartment, each unaware of the other's presence. Niles has only seen Cassandra.
- Frasier: This is a disaster!
- Niles: What is?
- [Faye enters.]
- Faye: Hi, Niles.
- Niles: Oh, I'm up to speed!
- Niles: Got anymore hiding in the Grotto, Hef?
Visions of Daphne [6.22]Edit
- Daphne tells Frasier about Niles' advice regarding her vision
- Daphne: Unlike you, he believes in my visions. He knows I have a gift. (exit)
- Frasier: Yes, and he's been trying to unwrap it for six years!
- Daphne tells Niles about her vision
- Niles: [excited] I think I know who this person is.
- Daphne: You do?
- Niles: Yes.
- Daphne: Well, I don't see how you could. I couldn't tell myself. He was standing in the shadows and I couldn't see his face. All I could make out was that he was wearing a red bow tie.
- Niles: I don't have a... [realises] clue why anyone would wear such a thing to a wedding.
Shutout in Seattle [6.23-4]Edit
- Frasier wants to know what happened to his favorite scented candle in the bathroom
- Daphne: I'm going to let my attorney handle this one.
- Donny: I'm sorry, Frasier, you know. I guess after a little champagne we got into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. And don't worry; we'll replace the candle.
- Frasier: If only you could replace the image.
- Kit is out smoking on Frasier's balcony, and coughing at intervals
- Niles: She's so free, so spontaneous. She has breathed new life into me.
- Frasier: You may have to return the favor.
Momma Mia [7.1]Edit
- Martin has just met Mia, and is shocked at how much she resembles his late wife. She seems to like the cabin
- Mia: I feel like I'm in Heaven.
- Martin: I'm starting to feel that way myself.
- Frasier: Frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
- Niles: It is not a phobia! I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on!
Father of the Bride [7.2]Edit
- Niles: Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
- Frasier: I told you, Niles: I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.
- Niles: [about his date] She was... a cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, she had good reason: it was Mr. Waggles' birthday. Actually, his birthday party. Actually, his surprise birthday party!
Radio Wars [7.3]Edit
- Frasier is not happy that Martin found the prank phonecall so amusing
- Martin: D'you think you could get me a tape of the show?
- Frasier: What on earth for?
- Martin: How often d'you get to hear your son on the radio?
- Frasier: (glares at him) I'm on the radio EVERY DAY!
- Martin has pointed out to his sons that bullies have always targeted them because they acted like they were above everyone else
- Frasier: Daphne, tell me: do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?
- Daphne: That's it! I'm getting me door soundproofed!
Everyone's a Critic [7.4]Edit
- Roz has arrived in Café Nervosa, and seen Poppy at another table with some other KACL workers
- Roz: I see Poppy's having a little party.
- Frasier: That is not a party; that's a hostage situation.
- The news about Frasier's prospective new arts show starts an argument with Niles
- Niles: You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.
- Frasier: I do not have what you have; my audience is twice as large as yours is!
- Niles: Oh well, at least my audience can read!
- Frasier: How dare you review my audience!
The Dog That Rocks the Cradle [7.5]Edit
- Daphne: I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my makeup for the wedding.
- Frasier: I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very lifelike."
- Frasier: We've got to plan for it. We must all be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.
- [Someone knocks at the door.]
- Frasier: Would you get that?
- Niles: I most certainly will not.
- Regan has admitted that her name is from a treacherous daughter in King Lear, which makes it less than flattering
- Regan: I'm sorry, I have some issues with my father.
- Enter Martin, who is trying to match them up
- Martin: Excuse me again.
- Frasier: I have no idea what that would be like!
- Roz is trying to persuade Frasier to buy tickets for a charity ball
- Roz: Come on, it's for a good cause. They provide disaster relief.
- Enter Poppy
- Poppy: Hi, partners!
- Frasier: How soon can they get here?
A Tsar is Born [7.7]Edit
- Frasier has just realised that the "game show" Martin wants to watch is The Antiques Roadshow, which he and Niles planned to watch
- Niles: I'll just check outside and see if the world has ended.
- Dr. Myshkin has arrived to examine the clock, and Frasier asks Daphne to bring in the caviar
- Daphne: Oh, I am so sorry. Here I am, dawdling with the laundry when it's ten minutes into Caviar Time!
The Late Dr. Crane [7.8]Edit
- After a minor car accident
- Niles: Are you alright?
- Frasier: Yes. Thank Heaven your fist softened the blow of the airbag!
- Niles and Mel are heading out to dinner
- Frasier: Well, off you go then. Just remember, Niles: nothing puts on love handles faster than chocolate soufflé.
- Mel: Oh well, you know, no one takes them off faster than I do!
The Apparent Trap [7.9]Edit
- Frasier urges Niles and Lilith to behave as they used to towards each other: by trading insults
- Niles: Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice cream headache.
- Lilith: You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole!
- Frasier: Was that so hard?
- Daphne: Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
- Niles: Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.
Back Talk [7.10]Edit
- Frasier: No one's going to sell me on anything. Those exercises only help people who lack self-awareness. I, for one, am...[winces in pain] God Almighty!
- Niles: [sarcastically] Well, no wonder you're stressed; you've got a whole universe to run!
- This is a pivotal moment
- Daphne, relieved that she misunderstood Frasier's musings earlier, is giving him a massage. He is very drowsy after taking the tranquilisers
- Daphne: When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me", he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
- Frasier: (half-asleep) Oh, that…he meant Niles.
- Daphne: [shocked] What?!
- Frasier: Niles…he's crazy about you.
The Fight Before Christmas [7.11]Edit
- Daphne: [about Niles' longtime crush on her] I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane; he's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
- Roz: [sarcastically] Yeah. Why confuse things?
- Mel has discovered from Frasier that Niles was with Maris the previous evening, and storms off
- Niles: (to Frasier) Anything else in the box, Pandora?!
Frasier and Roz exchange New Year greetings in Nervosa
- Roz: I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant. And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it; I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.
- Frasier: I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.
- Roz: Thank you.
- Frasier: (on the phone) Niles! Where are you calling from?
- Niles: (triumphantly) From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior! And doing a damn fine job of driving, I might add.
- Frasier: But I'm in the Road Warrior! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago!
They're Playing Our Song [7.13]Edit
- Daphne has a new and very powerful vacuum cleaner, but when she tries using it on Martin's chair it breaks down, with a small explosion
- Frasier: Well, apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" is no match for the "Dirt Pile 1957."
- Niles questions whether Frasier needs as many musicians as he has
- Niles: Whatever happened to the concept of "less is more"?
- Frasier: Ah, but if less is more, then just think of how much more "more" will be!
Big Crane on Campus [7.14]Edit
- Roz is in Café Nervosa when Frasier runs into Lorna
- Roz: So, are you going to ask her out?
- Frasier: Oh right, Legs Lenley and Crane the Brain! In my dreams!
- Frasier: Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this, it's just-
- Martin: No, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date than for one of your theme parties. Though I am kinda sorry I missed "An Evening With Moe Howard."
- Frasier: That was Noël Coward!
Out With Dad [7.15]Edit
- Daphne is complaining that even being engaged doesn't guarantee a date on Valentine's Day
- Daphne: Donny had to fly out to Florida. His grandmother. She'd do anything to come between us.
- Martin: What'd she do this time?
- Daphne: She died.
- Frasier is embarrassed that Emily just kissed him and is now about to leave.
- Niles: You're embarrassed?! They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane!
Something About Dr. Mary [7.16]Edit
- Frasier does not want Chuck Ranberg to stand in for Roz, on account of his amusing speech impediment
- Roz: Hey, Chuck. How's it going?
- Chuck: Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawibbean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!
- Martin has suggested that Frasier refuses to restrain Mary because she is black; Frasier denies it
- Niles: Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt, living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.
- Frasier: Niles, owning the CD of "Ella sings Gershwin" does not qualify you as a soul brother!
Whine Club [7.17]Edit
- Frasier: We have the Wine Club tonight. I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster."
- Roz: But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?
- [Wine Club members address Niles, the new corkmaster, to the tune of Rule, Britannia.]
- Hail, corkmaster,
- The master of the cork,
- He knows which wine goes with fish or pork!
Hot Pursuit [7.18]Edit
- [Niles is asking where Martin is.]
- Daphne: He's with Donny. They went to a tractor pull.
- Niles: (as though understanding) Oh...
- (gives her a questioning look)
- Daphne: As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor, and see how far they can pull it through the mud.
- Niles: (as though understanding) Oh...
- (gives her another questioning look)
- Daphne: The answer to your next question is, "beats the hell out of me!"
- Frasier: Lilith was insufferable, but she's got a new boyfriend. Some twenty-eight year-old named Marcel. He's a contortionist with the Cirque du Soleil.
- Niles: She's dating French circus folk?
- Frasier: Yes, well, he's actually perfect for Lilith. He has no apparent spine and she can wrap him around her finger.
Morning Becomes Entertainment [7.19]Edit
- Frasier: Say, you know my agent, Bebe, said she might be stopping by. Have you heard anything?
- Daphne: No, and I hope she's not staying for lunch, I'm afraid we're fresh out of live mice.
- Frasier: I take it negotiations aren't going so well?
- Bebe: You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never accept?
- Frasier: Uh-huh.
- Bebe: They haven't come up to it yet.
- Frasier: Oh, come on in, Niles. Bebe's just bringing me up to speed on her depressing news about my contract negotiations.
- Bebe: Don't worry, dear. I just need to find a way to throw a scare into them.
- Niles: Have you tried turning into a bat?
- Bebe: I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures.
To Thine Old Self Be True [7.20]Edit
- Niles is showing Frasier and Roz a rotund woman eating bear claws outside Café Nervosa
- Roz: Big deal. So she's overweight; you don't need to point it out! It's rude.
- Frasier: It's childish.
- Niles: It's Maris!
The Three Faces of Frasier [7.21]Edit
- Frasier is still complaining about the caricature on the way home from the restaurant
- Frasier: Oh, so nothing about it jumped out at you as, oh, I don't know, encephalitic?!
- Martin: So they gave you a big forehead. Who cares? It makes you look smart.
- Frasier: It makes me look like I discovered fire!
- Niles and Frasier take their seats at Stefano's, underneath the new portrait
- Frasier: Well, there it is. Frasier Cranium!
The Dark Side of the Moon [7.22]Edit
- Frasier is very cross at the state of his kitchen after Simon used it
- Daphne: Yes, I guess they got some take-out.
- Frasier: It looked like a Kung Pao bomb went off!
- He then erupts when he discovers a nude Simon in his bed
- Martin: Oh, that poor guy probably just needed a nap. It's the jet lag. Couple of days and he'll be on our time.
- Frasier: A couple more days, he'll be on our sidewalk!
- Roz is not keen on Frasier's suggestion that he accompany her to Daphne's wedding
- Roz: Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the prom with your brother.
- Frasier: Niles and I did not go to the prom together!
- [Daphne has told Frasier that she found out about Niles' long-time attraction to her.]
- Frasier: [furious] Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut! Who was it? Dad? Roz?
- Daphne: You.
- Frasier: What?
- [Daphne has passionately kissed Niles.]
- Niles: I think you can call me "Niles" now.
- The final words of the episode, as Daphne and Niles prepare to leave the wedding together in the Winnebago
- Niles: Fasten your seat belt, Daphne.
- Daphne: Fasten yours, Niles!
And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (1) [8.1]Edit
- Martin and Frasier observe the conversation between Niles and Mel. Frasier still has the figurine that Donny gave him
- Frasier: Isn't this all too typical? Niles leaves his wife for another woman, he gets a gift; I try to do the right thing, I get Mr Chump and a lawsuit!
- Niles explains to Frasier and Martin about Mel's condition that he play the doting husband in public
- Niles: Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
- Martin: Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one havin' your nuptials toasted.
And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (2) [8.2]Edit
- Frasier is watching his brother at the wedding reception
- Frasier: Look at him, over-acting. Trying to convince everybody he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
- Martin: How about you and Lilith?
- Frasier: It was a rhetorical question!
- When a photographer approaches the "happy couple" at the reception, Niles becomes more nervous than ever
- Photographer: How about a kiss?
- Niles: All right! I hardly know you, but…
The Great Crane Robbery [8.4]Edit
- Frasier is just leaving Café Nervosa when Mel arrives to see Niles
- Frasier: Ah, Mel.
- Mel: (icily) Frasier. You're looking...
- Frasier: (hastily) And you. We must do this again. (exits)
- Daphne arrives to find the apartment devoid of any furniture
- Daphne: Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
- Frasier: Well, Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.
- Daphne: Oh yes. When God closes a door he opens a window(!)
Taking Liberties [8.5]Edit
- Frasier observes that Niles is in a good mood, so Niles explains that he plans to disregard Mel's instructions and take Daphne out
- Niles: Mel be damned! Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening together at my apartment. Not only that; she's going in my car, in my back seat, under a pile of my coats and blankets!
- Ferguson: Manchester, right?
- Daphne: Is it that obvious?
- Ferguson: To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for United.
- Daphne: Really? My father once tried like crazy to get Bobby Charlton's autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can!
Legal Tender Love and Care [8.6]Edit
- Martin: Hey, Abby, have you heard this one? How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Abby: I don't know. How many cops planted it there?
- Frasier: Thrust and parry, Dad.
- Abby announces that dinner is on her, or rather, the firm
- Frasier: I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.
- Martin: Don't worry; you are.
- Abby: I can't believe I was going to sleep with you!
- [Throws him out of her office.]
- Frasier: You still can!
The New Friend [8.7]Edit
- Frasier gives Roz his little "guilt offering". Each is unaware that the other has been spending time with Luke
- Roz: Oh, Frasier, I don't deserve your friendship.
- Frasier: No, I do not deserve your friendship.
- Niles: I deserve my own table. Excuse me. (exit)
- Niles has overheard Roz and Frasier surreptitiously phoning Luke to arrange or cancel plans for the evening. He is now leaving
- Frasier: Oh, Niles. Listen: as it turns out I am available for that concert…
- Niles: No, you're not.
Mary Christmas [8.8]Edit
- Kelly Kirkland no longer co-hosts the Christmas parade with her husband
- Frasier: She's discovered that Cal's been having an affair with a cue card girl.
- Roz: How did she catch him? Did she find a giant love letter in his pocket?
- Now that Ballantine has been discontinued, Martin is not looking forward to Christmas
- Daphne: Christmas is about more than beer, Mr Crane.
- Niles: Yeah, and this year's extra special 'cos Daphne and I are together.
- Martin: Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith...Maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.
Frasier's Edge [8.9]Edit
- Dr. Tewkesbury ascertains that Frasier's ex-wife is a psychiatrist
- Tewkesbury: Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions.
- Frasier: Have you ever met Lilith?
- Tewkesbury: No.
- Frasier: (stuttering) Well, she happens to be a very warm and loving woman!
- It is nearly time for Frasier's award presentation, and he has still not arrived
- Niles: He'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall.
- Kenny: Stall? (beat) Stall?!
- Niles: Yes, like that.
Motor Skills [8.11]Edit
- Frasier is driving Chelsea to see her first opera. Niles and Daphne are in the back seat
- Chelsea: Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.
- Daphne: Why, you've never been bored before?
- Niles realises that students who coast through class are simply frustrated
- Frasier: So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you; he was mad at Pythagoras.
- Niles: Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.
The Show Must Go Off [8.12]Edit
- Niles: It's like we wished it to happen, and then it did. Half of me feels guilty, the other half feels relieved... actually, it's about 30-70.
- Frasier: He has no instincts. He just stinks.
Sliding Frasiers [8.13]Edit
- Frasier is about to go speed dating, and is explaining the idea to Roz
- Frasier: Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date... times twelve.
Hungry Heart [8.14]Edit
- Frasier is darting between Kenny and his wife in the apartment. Martin has not seen either of them
- Frasier: Dad, I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date!
- Enter Kenny
- Kenny: Doc, I need you in the bedroom. (exit)
- Martin: (pause) Pretty.
Hooping Cranes [8.15]Edit
- Roz cannot take the basketball tickets that Frasier has been given
- Roz: I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
- Frasier: So that's it, huh? No Americans left.
Frasier finally loses patience with Niles' basking in glory
- Frasier: The story is: one upon a time, Niles Crane accidentally made a basket. The End!
- During the argument with Roz, Frasier obliquely threatens to walk out
- Frasier: Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.
- Roz: Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
- Frasier: Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show".
- Roz: Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
- Frasier: Well then, "the show" can BITE ME! (exit)
- Frasier: If I used you, it was only as the swift and terrible sword of Justice!
It Takes Two to Tangle [8.17]Edit
- Niles distracts William while Frasier speaks to his mother about Bryce Academy
- Niles: I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wants your mother to produce.
- William: Okay, which one?
- Niles: I think it was something by Chekhov.
Forgotten But Not Gone [8.18]Edit
- After a very uninspiring Wine Corner, Frasier signs off with a remark about wine getting better with age, like a good woman
- Roz: Aww, do you really believe that?
- Frasier: Oh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to myself ten minutes ago!
- Frasier is sharing his thoughts on a wine with Martin, in his usual verbose fashion
- Frasier: You don't think it's clear that I enjoy the wine?
- Martin: I don't think it's clear you're talking about wine.
Daphne Returns [8.19]Edit
- In the midst of the argument
- Niles: I can't read minds, you know. And by the way, neither can you!
- Daphne: Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
- Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
- Daphne: You’re a pretentious snob, with your wine and your opera.
- Niles: You NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE!
The Wizard and Roz [8.20]Edit
- Dr. Tewksbury has been observing Niles and Daphne in Café Nervosa. Roz explains Daphne's belief that she is psychic
- Tewksbury: Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice.
- Roz: No, she's not his patient; she's his girlfriend.
- Tewkesbury: Oh well, in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, he's wrong. I learned that from years of marriage.
- At the last minute, Niles changes his mind and asks not to be given the results of the test
- Daphne: Sorry, Dr. Morey. We've wasted your time.
- Morey: It's OK. Dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.
- Niles and Daphne look taken aback
- Morey: I'm kidding!...They weren't that funny.
A Passing Fancy [8.22]Edit
- Frasier has just introduced Kirby to Roz
- Kirby: She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
- Frasier: Well, yes, sometimes, but she's union, so you put up with it.
- Frasier thinks of a way to persuade Roz to help him out
- Kirby: So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
- Frasier: Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
- Kirby: The Boss!
- Frasier: No, Bruce Springsteen.
A Day in May [8.23]Edit
- Niles: I'd hardly call this a dog park. (looks around) It's more like a dog...orgy. Whose beagles are those?
- Daphne: Don't stare. It only encourages them.
Cranes Go Caribbean [8.24]Edit
- Frasier: Niles, I'm sorry. It turns out Claire and I are going to Belize after all. You and Daphne will have to go some place else.
- Niles: Wait. Daphne has her heart set to Belize.
- Frasier: Niles, this is not Cranes Go Caribbean! I want to be alone with Claire.
Frasier has had a car accident because of Lana and will miss his flight
- Frasier: At least whoever gets my seat on the plane will be happy.
Don Juan in Hell (Part 1) [9.1]Edit
- Frasier is waiting to retrieve some lost luggage. Bob Gardner walks in. This is the first time they meet
- Bob: Have you been waiting here long?
- Frasier: Time is irrelevant here in the Seventh Circle of Hell.
- Kirby's ex-girlfriend has just arrived unexpectedly at his graduation party, and is furious when she meets his “other lady”
- Roz: I was never his lady.
- Kirby: Damn, baby, that’s cold!
- Kristi: She’s old enough to be your mother, practically.
- Roz: Damn, baby, now that’s cold!
Don Juan in Hell (Part 2) [9.2]Edit
- Frasier is consoling Lana after Bob leaves
- Lana: You are a really good f...
- Frasier: Don’t. Don’t use the F word.
- Lana: (laughs) I wasn’t about to! I was gonna say we’re friends!
- Diane: She tried to kill me once.
- Hester: Oh, not this paranoia again!
- Diane: You had a gun.
- The cricket in the apartment is driving Frasier insane
- Frasier: Dear God, can't You make him shut up?!
- Martin: That prayer doesn't get answered around here.
- [Daphne knocks at the door of Niles' office]
- Niles: Well, this is an unexpected treat.
- Daphne: Niles, I have something to tell you.
- Niles: Is it that I am the sexiest man you've ever known?
- Daphne: No. I-I mean, yes, you are. That's not why I'm here.
Love Stinks [9.5]Edit
- Frasier quotes an injurious limerick about himself to Niles
- Frasier: "There once was a man, Frasier Crane / Who says he can feel your pain, / But he acts like a snob / To the guys at his job / And I think he's totally lame."
- Niles: That's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate rhyme, the scansion leaves a lot to be desired…
- Frasier: Niles, you're missing the point!
- Daphne has told Niles that as a child she could not pronounce her own name, so her family called her "Dappy"
- Niles: Oh, Dad! You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child!
- Martin: Is it worse than Piles?
Room Full of Heroes [9.6]Edit
- Frasier and Niles are discussing their father, while the chair catches fire unnoticed
- Frasier: You know, I've been thinking of sending him someplace.
- Niles: Like to a resort?
- Frasier: Like to live with you.
- Niles: Oh, yes. The last resort.
The Two Hundredth [9.8]Edit
- Roz: It's time for another blooper.
- Frasier: Ah, yes. We're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain producer didn't realize her microphone was on during the show...
- Roz: [on tape] Now what the [beep] is this? You call this a [beep] paycheck? How the [beep] am I supposed to live on this [beep]? I'm gonna have a little word with that [beep]-damn station manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-[beep]-ing place!
- Kenny Daly: [who's entered] Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.
- [Frasier is obsessing over the absence of one tape from his collection.]
- Frasier: That's it. I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.
- Niles: Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
- Frasier: Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
- Niles: Do you know you have your pyjamas on backwards?
- Frasier: Another delightful quirk of mine.
- Niles: Not from where I'm sitting.
- [When Frasier gets a lead on a missing tape.]
- Frasier: I'll put on some pants.
- Niles Crane: Zipper goes in front.
- [Daphne is moping about losing Frasier's tape, so Martin shows her how he's covered up breaking a lot of Frasier's "treasures."]
- Martin: See that fertility god over there? It used to be a lot more fertile, if you know what I mean.
Sharing Kirby [9.9]Edit
- Kirby: It's true. I'm a hopeless screw-up, just like my priest said!
Junior Agent [9.10]Edit
- Frasier: And screw, may I add, you!
- Frasier: She took your pants, you know!
- Kenny Daley: I know!
Bully for Martin [9.11]Edit
- Niles: [about Martin] You're a grown man. You're still scared of him.
- Frasier: Well, you're a grown man. You're still scared of him, too.
- Niles: Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
- Frasier: Shut up.
Mother Load (1) [9.12]Edit
- [Frasier has successfully argued a motion forcing Cam Winston to park his Hummer in the sub-basement, citing pollution concerns.]
- Cam Winston: Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW!
- Cam: You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
- Frasier: If mine's a substitute for masculinity, then what is yours?
- Cam: Bigger!
Mother Load (2) [9.13]Edit
- [Frasier refuses to let Simon bring a woman into his apartment]
- Simon: [to Frasier] Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you?
- [Frasier has been kept awake for several nights because of Cam Winston draping a giant American flag over his window]
- Daphne: Still awake, Doctor Crane?
- Frasier: Yes. It's almost dawn's early light... and our flag is still there.
The Proposal [9.15]Edit
- [Frasier has just found out his mother was pregnant with him at her wedding.]
- Frasier: You knew?
- Niles: Well, do you remember that time I had the chickenpox? Mom told me to cheer me up.
- Frasier: Excuse me, Mr. Puck?
- Wolfgang Puck: [annoyed] Yes, Dr. Crane?
- Frasier: It's just that, I couldn't help noticing that the crab cakes are getting a bit... brown.
- Wolfgang Puck: They're getting "beautifully crunchy."
- Frasier: I see. Because when I said, "brown," I actually meant more like "black," like "burned."
- Wolfgang Puck: They're Cajun!
- Niles: Daphne Moon, will you, and your beautiful toes and your exquisite ankles and your precious knees, elbows and arms and fingers, shoulders... [holds up the ring] Will you marry me?
- Daphne: Oh, Niles! Of course, I will.
Wheels of Fortune [9.16]Edit
- Frasier refuses to be taken in by Blaine's apparent disability
- Daphne: Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair.
- Frasier: Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!
- Blaine: I've started a ministry to save souls the way the Lord saved mine.
- Frasier: What genius(!) The Lord! A credible partner who doesn't take a cut.
Three Blind Dates [9.17]Edit
- Niles is trying to orchestrate a chance meeting between Frasier and Lisa in the bookshop, by sending his brother on errands
- Frasier: Good Heavens, Niles, what am I? Your lackey?
- Niles: No, no, no. I'm just engrossed in this "Heroes of Nas-Car."
- After an argument with a shop assistant, Frasier leaves indignantly, dragged by Niles
- Frasier: You know, by the way: you have an alphabetical misfile, but I'm not telling you where!
War of the Words [9.18]Edit
- John: Well, cameras never lie and cheaters never prosper.
- Frasier: And you never shut up!
- Niles encourages Frederick to leave with his dignity intact, but then John Clayton scornfully says he will probably end up in a state school
- Niles: How DARE you! [to Frederick] Can you take him?
- Frederick: Yeah!
- Niles: Then spell his ass off!
- [Frasier and Niles find a skull]
- Niles: Maybe it's a builder that got trapped, or an exterminator that was overcome with fumes.
- Frasier: Probable solutions, Niles. However, neither is possible.
- Niles: Why not?
- Frasier: Because when you die, your head does not pop off like a champagne cork!
- Niles: I think this rock may be the murder weapon.
- Frasier: Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
- Niles: It's pointier.
The Love You Fake [9.20]Edit
- Daphne is angling for Frasier to buy a washer-dryer. Frasier has discovered an odd sock
- Frasier: I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!
- Daphne: [unperturbed] Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks. [exits]
- Frasier: I don't have any pinks.
- Daphne: [from the kitchen] You will.
Cheerful Goodbyes (9.21)Edit
- Carla snaps in the middle of her valediction speech to Cliff
- Carla: (getting angrier and angrier as she talks) It sticks in my mouth like your rotten devilled eggs. I hate your guts! I hate the way you talk and talk and talk about nothing, the way you walk, your stupid white socks...
- Frasier: Carla...
- Carla: Knock off! I'm toasting! [to Cliff] The twenty years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats. But now, finally you're leaving, I know I'm not as young as I used to be but I can live again, I can live again! Finally I can live, I can live!! [Noticing that everybody is shocked] Anyway...God bless.
- Cliff: What's goin' down, Norm?
- Norm: My blood alcohol level. [to his beer] Suds, do your work.
The Guilt Trippers [9.23]Edit
- [Frasier and Roz have slept together]
- Frasier: Do you know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?
- Martin: Your naked body?
- Frasier: Oh, dear God! I was gonna say, "Somebody who's betrayed her trust," but...oh, dear God!
Moons Over Seattle [9.24]Edit
- Niles offers to pay for Daphne's father to fly back with him to Seattle
- Harry: I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America!
- Niles: [pauses] I insist!
- Harry is on the point of leaving to return home. Niles begs him to stay a little longer to spend time with Daphne
- Niles: I'll put you up in a hotel.
- Harry: I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel!
- Niles: Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.
- Harry: Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.
- Daphne: So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.
- Harry: But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person.
- Daphne: You barely know him.
- Harry: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times, and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing. [rubs his fingers together] He's worth a bob or two.
The Ring Cycle [10.1]Edit
- Gertrude: Well, in my day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
- Alice: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
- Gertrude: [to Roz] You should talk to your daughter. [exits]
- Roz: [to Alice] When we get home, you're getting ice cream.
- Frasier attempts to reassure Daphne's mother that a civil ceremony does not mean a Godless union
- Frasier: For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
- Gertrude: No, He lives at the church!
Enemy at the Gate [10.2]Edit
- [Niles and Daphne have named their pet lovebirds after themselves]
- Niles: This morning, when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, "What if she's hurt, or lost, or eaten by a cat?" Or worse: "What if she meets another bird who's more birdly than Niles but without the substance?"
- Frasier: Trust me: no one is more birdly than Niles.
- [An angry driver waiting behind Frasier's car claims that only rich people can afford to behave the way he is doing]
- Frasier: My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?
- Niles: Yes. [to the driver] I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.
Proxy, Prexy [10.3]Edit
- Frasier is not keen for Martin to take presidential decisions without consulting him
- Frasier: We need to reach a little understanding. Now, someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means No. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: N-O. Now, if I touch my eye, it means Aye as in...Yes.
- Martin: [annoyed] Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.
Kissing Cousin [10.4]Edit
- Niles has arrived at Frasier's apartment to find his wife doing housework for his brother and father
- Niles: Are you proud of yourselves?
- Frasier: We didn't ask her to do anything!
- Martin: She offered!
- Niles: Then why is no one looking me in the eye?
Tales from the Crypt [10.5]Edit
- [Frasier, the victim of Bulldog's latest prank, denies having been fooled, then hears a tape of himself]
- Frasier: [wailing] My car! Oh no, my caaaar! What did they do to you?! Oh, my baby...!
- [Martin complains that Frasier makes practical jokes seem like work]
- Martin: This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.
- Frasier: Like when?
- Martin: Like the last time we went to the beach!
- [Jason’s parents call round to Niles' apartment to sort things out]
- Beverly White: It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.
- Niles: You're embarrassed? Meet our daughter. [gestures to Gertrude]
Star Mitzvah [10.6]Edit
- Noel: The Seattle Star Trek Convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete.
- Frasier: Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
- Noel: Oh, I would! But William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid! It wasn't even a real phaser.
- Frasier: Star Trek is just a TV show.
- Noel: So was Brideshead Revisited!
- Frasier: You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that!
Bristle While You Work [10.7]Edit
- [Frasier has just finished interviewing another candidate and is walking her to the door]
- Frasier: Of course, we have several other candidates to interview, but I'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth... [closes the door] of never!
- [Martin is encouraged to hear that Trish is a fan of the Sonics]
- Trish: I should have guessed everyone and his brother would want to see Vince Carter play.
- Martin: Not everybody. Or his brother.
- Martin: Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the first... [closes the door] asteroid hits Earth!
Room with a View (10.8)Edit
- Frasier is arguing with the surgeon about Niles' operation
- Dr Schaeffer: Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.
- Frasier: And my expert opinion says otherwise.
- Dr Schaeffer: [calm, but annoyed] Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.
- Frasier: Maybe I will.
- Niles: [whining] Dad...
- Martin: [sternly] Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.
- Frasier: According to my timetable, Niles is probably off the bypass pump now. All the blockages have been bypassed and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.
- Martin: How come you know all this but you're stumped by an electric barbecue fork?
- Frasier: Because the human body was not designed by some idiot in Japan.
We Two Kings [10.10]Edit
- [Roz encourages Frasier to air his grievances about Christmas]
- Roz: Come on, Frasier, talk to me. Use your words.
- Frasier: It's just so egregious!
- Roz: Smaller words.
- Niles: Why do you have to make everything so difficult?
- Frasier: Excuse me, Niles, but I’ve got news for you: Copernicus called, and you are not the centre of the universe!
Lilith Needs a Favor [10.13]Edit
- Albert: My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was nervous because I'd turn off white.
- Lilith: I can empathize. After a long night, I once had to color my under-eye circles with Liquid Paper.
- Frasier: Would we sleep together?
- Lilith: I was thinking we could freeze your sperm.
- Frasier: Is that a "yes" or "no"?
Daphne Does Dinner [10.14]Edit
- Frasier: As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
- Martin: As usual, Martin has to hear about it.
- [Daphne guards a veiled painting from a curious guest]
- Daphne: You've got two choices: you can either walk away from the painting, or you can limp away from the painting.
Trophy Girlfriend [10.15]Edit
- Chelsea and Frasier celebrate their mixed doubles win. Frasier cannot resist gloating in front of his brother
- Chelsea: There's no 'i' in team.
- Frasier: Like there is in Niles!
- Roz and Julia find a way to be friends: by insulting each other
- Julia: You know there's a place down the street that's open all night.
- Roz: Just like your mouth?
- Julia: Just like your legs?
Fraternal Schwinns [10.16]Edit
- [Frasier and Niles are in a bicycle shop]
- Frasier: Is there anything else we need?
- Niles: Hmm, let me see. Oh yes, I know: we need to know how to ride them!
- Frasier: If a child of four can ride one, then so can we.
- Niles: That's what we said when we were six!
Kenny on the Couch [10.17]Edit
- Frasier: Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child trauma.
- Martin: What's your generation gonna do when we're all gone and there's no one left to blame?
- [Niles learns of Frasier's new patient]
- Frasier: Very challenging case. The man has father issues, any number of neuroses and a phobia or two.
- Niles: Sounds to me like you’ve hit the crackpot!
Roe to Perdition [10.18]Edit
- [Frasier tries to think of a solution to the shortage of caviar.]
- Frasier: What was the name of the boat...?
- Niles: HMS Bounty!
- Frasier: This isn’t Trivial Pursuit. Let me finish!
- [Martin, still frustrated at the amount of red tape he faces at the bank, takes a phone call in Frasier’s absence]
- Martin: No, I'm sorry. Frasier isn’t here. Sure you can place an order. Here, let me transfer you to that department! [hangs up]
Some Assembly Required [10.19]Edit
- Frasier: In elementary school, I made an ashtray for my dad. It caught fire.
Farewell, Nervosa [10.20]Edit
- Martin: Hey Fras', how was your trip to the accountant?
- Frasier: Fine, er, fine... why are all these lights on?
- Evelyn takes a phone call from her children’s nanny, then hangs up.]
- Evelyn: Sorry about that. Susie got stuck in the laundry chute again.
- Daphne: Aww, poor thing. How old is she?
- Evelyn: What's the difference? After tomorrow, she’s not our nanny any more.
The Devil and Dr. Phil [10.21]Edit
- Frasier has confided in Niles of how Bebe is trying to lure him back
- Niles: I think I’ve figured it out. Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the Apocalypse.
- Frasier: I almost feel sorry for her. Just another helpless woman suffering from an unslakeable thirst…
- Frasier & Niles: [unison] …for Crane.
Fathers and Sons [10.22]Edit
- [Niles and Daphne are discussing names for a baby]
- Niles: How about Desmond?
- Daphne: Hmm. "Desmond Crane, you are hereby sentenced to..." No, I don't like it. What about Jack?
- Niles: 'Fraid not. The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name, so you either end up running them together — Jackrane — or you face the dreaded glottal stop. Jack—Crane. Jack—Crane. It's unpleasant for the throat.
- Daphne: This conversation’s unpleasant for the throat.
- [Frasier, Niles, and Leland are singing the Major-General's song. Martin tries to fit in.]
- Leland: About binomial theorem, I'm teeming with a lot o' news, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
- All: With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse—
- Martin: With many awful facts about the scary hippopotamus!
Analyzed Kiss [10.23]Edit
- Frasier joins Daphne in a very busy Nervosa
- Frasier: I've never seen this place so crowded. What's the occasion?
- Daphne: It's Mum's day off. Apparently, there was a mass e-mail.
- Martin has gone to the shooting range with Niles
- Frasier: He asked me to take him, but then I suggested that, when it comes to guns, perhaps he would prefer someone of...(pause for effect) Niles's calibre. (chuckles to himself) I'm in rare form today.
- Daphne: (smiles, unamused) You should see this place when they know you're not coming.
A New Position for Roz [10.24]Edit
- [Worn out by Alice's energetic games, Niles and Daphne place her in front of the TV.]
- Niles: Should we really be popping her in front of the tube?
- Daphne: It's an educational tape. Did you want to read her more Jung for Youngsters?
- [Frasier is talking about one of his favourite films, Noch einen Stuhl.]
- Frasier: It's the story of a nineteenth-century Austrian family, from the point of view of an old fireside armchair.
- Roz: I'm sorry, I dozed off. What were you saying?
- [Gil Chesterton is toasting Roz at her going-away party thrown by her KACL coworkers.]
- Gil: Hello, all. Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle. A wonderful coworker, and a good friend.
- All: [Sounds of concurrence and chants of Hear, hear!]
- Gil: Of course I, too, noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral. [with obvious fervor] She made us want to paw the ground and rise up on our powerful haunches, fetlocks glistening. Smokey, Misty, Storm, away! [Gil downs his glass of wine in one long swig.]
No Sex Please, We're Skittish [11.01]Edit
- Frasier and Roz recall the occasion when they slept together two years previously
- Frasier: I seem to recall hearing the term “stallion-like”
- Roz: I never said that
- Frasier: Well, one of us did!
- Daphne and Niles have just read the pregnancy test
- Niles: But my slow sperm...
- Daphne: I must have fast eggs!
A Man, A Plan, A Gal: Julia [11.02]Edit
- Niles has observed Frasier's unfortunate dating pattern
- Frasier: I'd like to strike you, of course, but you speak the truth!
- Niles is encouraging Frasier to commit to commitment. Despite the glib expression, he is inspired
- Frasier: I am going to call Julia, and I will not take "no" for an answer! I may have walked in here the old fault-finding, flaw-fleeing Flasier, but I leave a man committed to commitment!
- Niles: [grinning] You said Flasier.
- Frasier: I did not!
The Doctor Is Out [11.03]Edit
- Alistair Burke has just appeared in Café Nervosa
- Frasier: He is only the head of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world!
- Niles: His productions are brilliant! He staged a Philip Glass opera last year and no one left.
- Martin: Let's see. One of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good!
The Babysitter [11.04]Edit
Frasier finds Ronee in the middle of her musical entertainment at the Wellington
- Ronee: I'm gonna take a little break. Try not to kill yourselves from disappointment.
Both Martin and Frasier are trying to humiliate each other in a bid for Ronee's attention
- Frasier: Dad, you know, you really ought to slow down there. [to Ronee] You know, at his age, one slip and it's the ICU and then it's I-see-ya later.
- Martin: Well, I wouldn't worry about me, Fras'. I don't feel any older now than I did when you were parading around in your mother's heels. [everyone laughs] Of course, that was just last Christmas.
The Placeholder [11.05]Edit
- Frasier does not appreciate being set up by Roz
- Frasier: I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?
- Roz: Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr Mothball.
- Frasier is just about to part company with Ann
- Ann: Well, here we are. The awkward part.
- Frasier: Oh, it's not awkward at all. I’d be delighted to pay for your cab. Here we are. (hands over money and runs)
Maris Returns [11.07]Edit
- Frasier: Welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can’t tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
- [He says this first to the temp receptionist, then to four successive patients who all disappear within minutes]
- [Niles is having a panic attack in the kitchen during the baby shower]
- Martin: Calm down, Niles.
- Niles: I can’t! I’m telling her another lie every time I open my mouth!
- Martin: Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It’s called marriage!
Murder Most Maris [11.08]Edit
- Niles has had a nervous breakdown and stripped naked in Café Nervosa
- Waiter: I’m calling the cops!
- Roz: The hell you are! This man’s tips alone have probably paid for all the pot you’ll ever smoke!
- Frasier: It's as if you'd forgotten that not three days ago I was... punched in the face...by a man now dead.
- He says this, changing time intervals to suit the moment, throughout the episode. Each time, everyone falls reverently silent.
- Frasier: Thank you!
Guns N' Neuroses [11.09]Edit
- Frasier: I was having the most distressing dream; I was climbing up a volcano, that was spewing ice instead of lava.
- Daphne: An ice volcano. I wonder what that could mean.
- Frasier checks his messages
- Voice on the answering machine: Hello, it's Lilith.
- Frasier, Martin and Daphne: [with sudden realization] Oh, well.
Frasier’s doorbell rings in his absence. Lilith is expected
- Niles: Shouldn’t you get the door?
- Martin: You’re closer.
- Niles: I don’t live here.
- Martin: Doesn’t matter. You’re family.
- Niles: So’s Daph…
- Daphne: [interrupts] Oh no, you don’t!
- Lilith: [from outside] Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let myself in.
Seabea Jeebies [11.10]Edit
- Roz arrives at the awards ceremony with her insufferably smug sister
- Denise: Roz, are you sure this dress didn't fit you? Because I'm just swimming in it.
- Roz: (to a waiter) Two Bloody Marys, please. And there's a 20 in it for you if one of them's poisoned. I don't even care which one.
High Holidays [11.11]Edit
- [Frasier has just seen Frederick’s goth girlfriend, and is reeling from the shock]
- Niles: Well, at least he’s not dating outside the faith.
- [Niles has just announced his rebellious plans to Frasier]
- Frasier: What?!
- Niles: I’ve waited for this all my life, Frasier. One act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course, I’ll have a nurse on speed-dial in case things get too hairy.
- A caller on Frasier’s radio show has suddenly become involved in a domestic argument
- Morrie’s daughter: I’m running away from home!
- Morrie: Oh, hang up the phone, Britney! You’re not going anywhere!
- Frasier: [calmly] And neither is this conversation. [cuts them off]
- Frasier steps onto the scales at the weigh-in on television
- Presenter: Ouch! 1lb heavier, Fras’!
- Frasier: That can’t be! I’ve added a salad to every meal!
The Ann Who Came to Dinner [11.13]Edit
- Martin: I just walked in on your insurance lady taking a sponge bath!
- Frasier: Dear God! Which sponge?
- Daphne has a surprising reaction to the painting of Niles
- Daphne: (smiling) That’s what our son would look like if I were a goat.
Freudian Sleep [11.14]Edit
- Niles arrives at Frasier’s place. He has had a very bad day
- Niles: I need a sherry.
- Frasier: Brace yourself!
- Niles: [sees the empty bottle] You always think it’s going to happen to someone else.
- Martin takes charge
- Martin: [to Daphne] You’re gonna lose your looks? Happens to everyone. [to Frasier] You’re afraid you’re gonna end up alone? You’ll still have your family. [to Niles] You’re afraid you’re gonna be a bad father? Join the club! [to all three] Now just clam up and go to bed!
Caught in the Act [11.15]Edit
Frasier covers Alice's ears during his conversation with Roz
- Frasier: If truth be told, it's been a while since I...romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of Eros.
- Roz: Next time you say something like that, cover my ears.
Nanette is in Frasier's house and she tries to explain her disdain for carrying on her role as Nanny G
- Nanette: Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?!
- [Niles is appalled when he learns the reason for his father’s heart attack.]
- Niles: (to Frasier) Look at you! You just stand there with a smile on your face.
- Frasier: That’s make-up, you idiot!
- Frasier and Niles discuss the possibility of a future without Martin
- Frasier: Now, I can’t imagine life without him.
- Niles: It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see that chair…and know that Dad wasn’t here anymore.
- Frasier: Oh, I’d get rid of that chair immediately.
Coots and Ladders [11.17]Edit
- Niles does not want to get involved in undoing Frasier’s criminal activity
- Frasier: Fine, I’ll do it myself! Here, hold this for me. (hands Niles the stolen item)
- Niles: What for?
- Frasier: [grabs it back] Now your prints are on it too, you have to help me!
- Niles: Fiend!
- Frasier claims that Niles is afraid of spiders…then also that he is afraid of heights…then also of crowds
- Frasier: You are looking at that rarest of beasts: the arachno-acro-agoraphobe!
Match Game [11.18]Edit
- [Daphne’s doula insists on a drug-free childbirth, and Roz, as a mother, can hardly believe her ears.]
- Harvest: A natural childbirth needn’t be painful.
- Roz: It needn’t be, but it be!
- [Daphne changes her mind about the natural birth after seeing a video of one.]
- Daphne: I’m having my baby the way God intended: in a hospital, numb from the waist down!
Miss Right Now [11.19]Edit
- Niles has discovered fast food. Frasier remains unconvinced
- Daphne: I guess he's got the fast food bug.
- Frasier: And which one would that be? E. coli?
And Frasier Makes Three [11.20]Edit
- Frasier explains his strategy for winning Charlotte over
- Frasier: I am merely going present myself as the anti-Frank.
- Niles: Ah, so you’re going to be not rugged and not handsome. Interesting.
- Frasier: No…
- Niles: You could also be not passionate and not committed.
- Frasier: Very funny.
- Niles: Maybe she’d like you if you were not interesting and not informed…
- Frasier: Niles!
- [Charlotte has just told Frasier that she no longer remembers what she and Frank were fighting about.]
- Frasier: [to Niles] You know what that means, don’t you? They had a long night of acrobatic make-up sex.
- Niles: I’ve just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank.
Frasier offers to drive Charlotte to the station
- Frasier: I've always been a sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye. A fog-shrouded train platform, a passionate kiss.
- Charlotte: With a romantic dip.
- Frasier: Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn few of us left.
- Charlotte: (leans back) Dip. Dip.
- Frasier: I had a great time with you today. With somebody else, it would’ve been a disaster.
- Charlotte: With somebody else, I would’ve been in Portland.
Crock Tales [11.22]Edit
- Frasier: Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.
- Niles: Ooh, a lady friend?
- Frasier: [sarcastic] No, we’re going to form a jazz trio, Niles.
- [Niles is drowning his sorrows after separating from Maris]
- Roz: Alice is so cute! She fell asleep hugging her bottle.
- Niles: I’m right behind her!
Goodnight, Seattle [11.23-24]Edit
- Charlotte is cooking dinner with Frasier
- Charlotte: We’re such a cliché: the little woman at the stove, the big rugged man with his brawny arm…
- Frasier: [interrupts] Oh, the hollandaise is breaking!
- Frasier: I've had enough easy goodbyes, I'm kind of glad to have the chance to have another tough one.
- After spending time with Daphne’s brothers, Niles is worried about his child
- Niles: The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!
- Frasier: Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there, too.
- Niles: Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!
- Frasier: [Last lines on his KACL talk show] For eleven years you've heard me say, "I’m listening." Well, you were listening, too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.
- Flight Attendant: “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Chicago...”
- Frasier:[Last Lines, to Anne] Wish me luck. [Fades to black]
Memorable Title CardsEdit
- IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT (screen fades to black, then) NO, REALLY (A Mid-Winter Night's Dream)