Flight of the Conchords (TV series)
Flight of the Conchords (17 June 2007 – 22 March 2009) follows the lives of two New Zealanders, living in New York, who are trying to break into the American music industry with their comedy singles.
Sally (Pilot) [1.01]
- Murray: [To Jemaine] I've told you. When you are in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend. Past or present.
- Jemaine: Yes, well, thanks for that.
- Murray: You get a love triangle, you know, a Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no-one gets on.
- Jemaine: Ok, I see.
- Murray: Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.
- Bret: Rumours.
- Murray: No. No, it's all true.
- Jemaine: Hey, Bret, I think I know where I went wrong.
- Bret: Hmm?
- Jemaine: I think I know where I went wrong last night.
- Bret: Yeah?
- Jemaine: Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.
- Bret: Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.
- Jemaine: Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who-- who turned on the light?"
- Bret: Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.
- Jemaine: Yeah, well -- yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.
- Bret: Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.
- Jemaine: Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?
- Jemaine: [Trying to stop Sally from dumping him] I'm usually more charismatic than this.
Bret Gives Up The Dream [1.02]
- Eddie: The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?
- Jemaine: Sounds like something a lamppost could do. That's all but you just never thought of it before.
- Eddie: You know what you're sign material this guy over thinks things OK You can't over think in this business, you cannot. What if the wind comes, and blows it away, you ever think of that Enrico Fermi?
- Bret: Oh we can hold it, it won't be a problem.
- Eddie: You have the right attitude, you have what I like to call the wrong attitude.
- Jemaine: I can't believe you got that job and I didn't.
- Bret: You know, you've got to work on your people skills.
- Jemaine: Yeah, shut up, Bret.
- Mugger: What is this? Why does this phone have a camera glued to it?
- Bret: It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.
- Mugger: [To other mugger] Look at this. [To Bret] Oh yeah? Where'd you get it?
- Bret: I made it. It's homemade.
- Mugger: Yeah, it's a piece of shit.
- Bret: Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much?
- Jemaine: You can have it.
- Mel: Oh my God. Jemaine, are you okay?
- Jemaine: Yeah.
- Mel: You're out? Did the cops try to strip search you?
- Jemaine: No.
- Mel: Did they find anything?
- Jemaine: No, they didn't strip search me.
- Mel: Oh, I--I thought you said they did.
- Jemaine: No.
- Mel: Oh, well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a--
- Jemaine: No. No no no.
- Mel: Oh good, good. Cause if--if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth--
- Jemaine: I've gotta--I've gotta go.
- [in the middle of the Second Annual Flight of the Conchords Fan Club meeting]
- Murray: Alright, Item 3. Now if one of the band members was to have a girlfriend, would you find that... A: Very Positive; B: Positive...
- Mel: Why do... why do you ask?
- Murray: No reason.
- Mel: Has Bret got a girlfriend?
- Murray: Yes. He's seeing a girl from work. Coco.
- Mel: [snaps the tip of her pencil, twitches nervously, then recovers] Oh... heh. Wow. Well that's great that Bret has a girlfriend. That's really great.
- Murray: You don't think that Bret's any less available now that he's...
- Mel: Oh no... heh. Is she pretty?
- Murray: You're still interested in the band then? Even though...
- Mel: Yes, it's nice for Bret to have a girlfriend.
- Murray: Good.
- Mel: Yes.
- Murray: Alright. You're sure?
- Mel: Yes! [chuckles] Is she stupid?
- Murray: You've still got Jemaine anyway. And he's always available, isn't he? He's not gonna... not gonna get a girlfriend any time soon, so...
- Mel: Just ummm...
- Murray: Try your chances with him, can't you?
- Mel: Mmmhmm. Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? A bit?
- Murray: A little bit. 'Round the eyes.
- Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh?
- Murray: Well she's... she's got eyes.
- Jemaine: [after following Bret and Coco onto a bus] Bret.
- Bret: [surprised] Hey man, what are you doing here?
- Jemaine: Murray and I missed you and we want you to rejoin the band again.
- Bret: Really?
- Jemaine: Yeah, on one condition, that you... [makes hand to throat gesture and points at Coco]
- Bret: I'm not gonna kill her man.
- Jemaine: No just leave - just leave her, not...
- Bret: Oh, no I'm not gonna leave her, I told you that. You know, I like the band but, no, I'm not leaving Coco.
- Coco: I wouldn't mind, I mean if that's what you really want.
- Bret: Shush baby.
- Coco: I-I don't really see us as a long-term...
- Bret: Shush.
- Jemaine: So what's it gonna be Bret, the girl or the band?
- Bret: Well, it’s gonna be Coco.
- Jemaine: Oh, are you sure?
- Bret: Yeah.
- Jemaine: Oh, I thought you - I was sure you were gonna say the band.
- Bret: [Shakes head] No I'm staying with Coco.
- Jemaine: [sighs] I guess you can still be in the band.
- Bret: Okay, yeah all right.
- Jemaine: Okay.
- Bret: Cool.
- Jemaine: Okay, well I'll see you later. [gets up to leave]
- Bret: I'll see you at band practice.
- Jemaine: [sits down again] Actually I'm gonna wait until the bus stops and then I'll get off.
- Jemaine: [fake coughing] Yoko!
- Bret: What'd you say?
- Jemaine: Oh, nothing, just had a bit of a cough.
- Bret: Oh. Okay.
- Jemaine: No, it wasn't a real cough. I said Yoko.
- Bret: Why'd you say that. She's nothing like Yoko.
- Jemaine: Ono, she isn't
- Murray: Jemaine, you're putting "oh no" together to sound like "Ono."
- Jemaine: Ono, I didn't.
- Murray: You did it again!
- Jemaine: Ono, did I?
Sally Returns [1.05]
- Jemaine: It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.
- Murray: More like a 'compartment'.
- Murray: Jemaine?
- Jemaine: ...Present.
- Murray: Bret?
- Bret: Yep.
- Murray: And Murray... yes, present, thank you... I'm always here anyway, I don't know why I bother with my line.
- Jemaine [as David Bowie]: Wear the eye patch Bret, wear the funky, funky eye patch.
- Jemaine [as David Bowie]: So, you showed your penis to the man from the greeting card company.
- Bret: That was your idea.
- Jemaine Bowie: I didn't mean something like that, I only meant something like... I don't know, wear make-up, or-
- Bret: Yeah, I was wearing make-up... I had lightning bolts on my wanger.
- Jemaine Bowie: I meant on your face, Bret... On your face.
- Bret: Can I please have a look at the lyrics? [Looks at notepad] This is another one of your weird songs, man.
- Jemaine: In what way?
- Bret: What's that about 'Sometimes I put a wig on you when we're on tour'?
- Jemaine: Put a wig on you? No. It didn't say anything like that.
- Bret: That's definitely a bit gay.
- Jemaine: What is?
- Bret: Putting a wig on me while I'm asleep.
- Jemaine: I think, sometimes you hear what you wanna hear. It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman. How could that be gay if you're pretending they're a woman? Not that I did it.
Drive By [1.07]
- Bret: So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.
- Jemaine: Is that the norm?
- Dave: Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
- Bret: What do you mean, people like us?
- Dave: You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...
- Jemaine: We're not English.
- Dave: Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
- Jemaine: What about black people?
- Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.
- Bret: Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?
- Dave: Yeah, sometimes.
- Jemaine: But you're our best friend.
- Dave: I know.
- Jemaine: It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently...some would say, more correctly.
- Sinjay: Yeah...
- Jemaine: Let me finish. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.
- Sinjay: That's a great speech. Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.
- Jemaine: No you're thinking of Australians.
- Bret: Yea that's Australians.
- Sinjay: No, no, no, New Zealanders. You throw another shrimp on the barbie and ride around on your kangaroos all day.
- Bret: No, no, no, that's Australians.
- Jemaine: You're thinking of Australians. That's not us.
- Sinjay: [Aghast] I've totally confused you with Australians? I - I feel terrible. Your accents sound similar.
- Jemaine: No, no, our accents are completely different, they're like [high-pitched] "where's the car" and we're like [normal voice] "Where's the car."
- Sinjay: You know what? Here, have some of my fruit, please, I feel terrible. [to Bret] You want that Red Delicious still?
- Bret: Oh, I would love that Red Delicious, yeah.
- Sinjay: [to Jemaine] You still want that banana?
- Jemaine: Thank you, I would love that banana.
- Sinjay: [handing him a red apple] This Red Delicious is on me.
- Murray: [Referring to record producer Quincy Jones] What are some albums that he's done, Bret?
- Bret: Michael Jackson's "Off The Wall".
- Murray: I'll say he is...he's off the planet. Wants to freeze himself, doesn't he?
- Jemaine: Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?
- Bret: I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.
- Jemaine: What?
- Bret: Yeah, Iraq.
- Jemaine: Iraq?
- Bret: Yeah.
- Jemaine: Lisa?
- Bret: Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.
- Jemaine: But she works in the croissant shop.
- Bret: Yeah well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.
What Goes On Tour [1.09]
- Murray: Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jemaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.
- Bret: The Grand Canyon one?
- Jemaine: Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever.
- Murray: I'm so angry, I feel like swearing.
- Bret: Oh, Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.
- Murray: Go Fuck yourself, Bret!
New Fans [1.10]
- Mel: What was your name again?
- Rain: It's Rain.
- Mel: Oh. That's nice. Kinda like... kinda like bad weather... I remember your name from the fan list, I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly?
- Rain: No.
- Mel: Oh... You don't have a computer.
- Rain: No, I have a computer.
- Mel: Oh, you can't read...
- Jemaine: You don't even know anything about threesomes.
- Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
- Jemaine: Nearly.
- Bret: What do you mean, nearly?
- Jemaine: I've had a twosome.
- Bret: Wow. What was that like?
- Jemaine: Great. I've done it several times, man.
- Bret: Just one of you here... and then one.. Oh well then, I've had a twosome!
The Actor [1.11]
- Murray: You're telling me that this is all a joke...
- Jemaine: Well not a joke...
- Murray: ...organised by a couple of jesters? Is this you is it?: "Oh let's do a jest - a great big lark in the courtyard of the king and see how he takes it". Is it?
- Dave: I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks- either like Swedish or Korean- in my shop, and they were like 'Dave, we wanna have a five way with you.' I just told them, 'honestly, okay.' Then I gave it to 'em. Hard. And then they were like, "Dave we want to marry you." But I was like "I don't know how they do things where you guys are from, but I dont think monogamy is legal in this country."
The Third Conchord [1.12]
- Bret: Okay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."
- Jemaine: Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.
- Bret: I can't believe you just said that.
- Bret: Todd's not cool.
- Murray: What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?
- Bret: Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.
- Murray: No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.
A Good Opportunity [2.01]
- Jemaine: Women love weaving, they love to weave.
- Bret: No, weaving is a man's game.
- Jemaine: Bret, you put a woman in front of weaving machine and just watch her go.
- Bret: No, honestly, my Dad weaves, my grandfather was a weaver... I come from a family of weavers.
- Jemaine: I've never seen a man weave.
- Bret: I love weaving. I'm weaving at the moment, making a pair of trousers.
- Murray: Bret, could you get a pencil out of my stationery cabinet, please?
- Bret: Where's that?
- Murray: Just the glove box.
New Cup [2.02]
- Jemaine: (Leans over to look at Bret's cup) What's that?
- Bret: It's a cup.
- Jemaine: What, a new cup?
- Bret: Yeah. I got a new cup. Do you like it?
- Jemaine: (Raises his cup into the air) We've got a cup.
- Bret: I know, we've got one cup. We needed two cups.
- Jemaine: Why would we need two cups?
- Bret: So I can have a cup of tea at the same time as you.
- Jemaine: Bret, do you even pay any attention to the cup roster?
- Bret: Your cup roster? That means I can't drink a cup of tea between seven and nine P.M.
- Jemaine: Well, I have it until nine O'clock and then you get it for two hours. Then I use it from eleven 'till one... Then you use it from one 'till three.
- Bret: (Interrupting) I know, but I have to wait until one if I want another cup.
- Jemaine:...And then we give the cup a rest.
- Bret: ... It was only $2.79.
- Jemaine: $2.79?
- Bret: Yeah, I thought that was quite good.
- Jemaine: *Sighs* Okay, well I just need a second to calm down.
- Bret: ... Well that's alright, isn't it?
- Jemaine: I suppose...
(One Month Later)
- Jemaine: Bret... Bret!
- Bret: (Playing guitar) Uh-huh?
- Jemaine: Our check for the phone bill bounced. Says here, in our bank statement, that our account was short... By $2... And 79 cents... How much was that cup again?
- Bret: 2.79
- Jemaine: (Smug) Oh? That's quite interesting, isn't it? ... Well, because our check bounced we got charged a $30 overdraft fee. Which made our gas bill bounce.
- Bret: Yep, that's boring, man.
- Jemaine: Yes, but the point is; because of your $2.79 spending spree, we now owe $60, and our phone and gas are gonna be cut off.
- Bret: (Sarcastically) Interesting. (All of the lights go out and electrical appliances shut down) Ah. We got a letter from the electricity company.
- Jemaine: ... What did it say...?
- Bret: ... ... I didn't read it.
- Murray: Bret, you should have a guitar.
- Bret: I sold it to pay the bills.
- Murray: You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the 'big guitar' that Jemaine plays?
- Jemaine: Bass. It's called a bass guitar.
- Murray: Well, I call it the 'Dad guitar' 'cause it's more like (deep voice) "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's 'Mum guitar' to add the beautiful tones (high voice) "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?" (deep voice) "I was just havin' a few beers."
- Bret: It'll sound fine.
- Murray: It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar! (Bret plays his air guitar) I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.
- Jemaine: It's dark, Bret.
- Bret: Yeah, I know.
- Jemaine: What expression is on your face?
- Bret: Umm. Guilty expression. What expression is on your face?
- Jemaine: Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied because I was right about the cup.
- Bret: That's a weird expression.
- [Murray has told the band that their lack of a guitar has given them bad reviews]
- Bret: Can we use the emergency band funds to get my guitar back?
- Murray: Well that's... Actually tied up in an investment at the moment.
- Jemaine: What's this investment?
- Murray: It's a friend of mine from Nigeria, Nigel Soladu.
- Jemaine: When did you go to Nigeria?
- Murray: Well, I didn't go. That's the best bit, Jemaine. He just randomly sent me an internet letter, offering me a business opportunity. And I went with it. In a few days time, he'll return the money I invested, plus 1000% interest [Bret and Jemaine shake their heads in disbelief] and a share in his family fortunes.
- Jemaine: It's a scam.
- Murray: [Outraged] It is not a scam! Why would someone want to scam me Jemaine!? And on the internet service, one of the trusted... things of today's society!
- [Murray has discovered that Jemaine is prostituting himself. There is a Nigerian man in his office with him]
- Murray: Jemaine shouldn't be doing this.
- Nigerian man: Indeed, he should not.
- Bret: Well... [to Murray] Murray, who's... who's this guy?
- Murray: Oh, this is Nigel Soladu. He's my new business partner.
- Bret: [Surprised] From the internet?
- Murray: Yes! Can you imagine it? Out of the hundreds of people using he internet, only I was willing to help him.
- Mel: Oh, you're like a samurai, like a massage samurai.
- Jemaine: I'm just patting you.
- Mel: Oh I feel like I've hired a gigolo. Haha! I'm just kidding I would never hire I mean I would.(turns to jemaine)I would, I would pay you so much money... That's not who I am, thats not what I'm about. Heh, I'm joking. I'm not. I am. I'm not.
The Tough Brets [2.03]
- Murray: Oh, I've got another note here. 'Dissing' - does that make any sense to you?
- Jemaine: Bret dissed alot of people in that rap thing that he did.
- Murray: Who were these people you were dissing? The only one I could make out was Snoopy! What's your problem with him?
- Bret: No, Snoop Dogg.
- Murray: Yeah, I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the dark ages. I do go out every once in a while. But, Snoopy's lovable! Leave him alone.
- Bret: No, he's a rapper. They're all rappers. I was dissing rappers.
- Murray: Well, just keep your dissing private, okay?
- Mel: (about her hideous painting of Jemaine) You should hang it on your wall so you can see how big and powerful you are, like Ra - the sun god Ra. You're like a pharaoh.
- Jemaine: I'm not as muscly as that.
- Doug: Yeah, that's what I said.
- Mel: Be quiet, Doug!
- Jemaine: Yeah, be quiet, Doug.
Unnatural Love [2.05]
(Scene; Jemaine locked in the apartment of the girl he slept with the night before whilst drunk, ringing Bret before she wakes up)
- Bret: (Phone rings. Bret answers) Hello. Bret speaking.
- Jemaine: Bret, it's Jemaine speaking.
- Bret: Oh, hey, man. Where are you? Did you run away?
- Jemaine: No, I went home with a girl.
- Bret: What?
- Jemaine: Bret... I think she might be Australian.
- Bret: Are you sure she's Australian?
- Jemaine: Either she's Australian, or sh-she really likes Australia.
- Bret: Ugh! You gotta get outta there! Just get outta there!
- Jemaine: I-I'm locked in, she's trapped me.
- Bret: I'm not surprised... Okay, erm... Keep calm, jump out of the window.
- Jemaine: Good idea... Oh, it's too high!
- Bret: Okay, well do one of those dive rolls... When you land.
- Jemaine: Okay, I'll try.
- Aussie girl: (Strong Aussie accent) G'day.
- Jemaine: Oh... Hey...
- Aussie girl: Jesus... Got a tongue like a badger's arsehole. What'cha doing there, big J?
- Jemaine: Just talking to a friend of mine.
- Bret: (Through Jemaine's camera-phone) Don't talk to her(!) She's definitely Australian...
- Jemaine: I'm not sure I got your name.
- Aussie girl: It's Keitha.
- Jemaine: ... Pardon?
- Keitha: Keitha.
- Jemaine: (Confused) Keitha?
- Keitha: Yeah, it's like Keith. But with an 'a' at the end. I was named after mi'dad.
- Jemaine: Umm...
- Bret: She's got a man's name!
- Jemaine: Keitha, that's a lovely name...
- Keitha: So, how about we go back to bed?
- Bret: Definitely don't do that!
- Jemaine: Uhm... *Exhales deeply* ... No, I can't.
- Keitha: (Disappointed) Oh.
- Jemaine: Would you be able to... Unlock the door?
- Bret: I would never go out with an Australian!
- Jemaine: But if you were to, I would be fine with it.
- Bret: When I first met you you tried to have me deported from New Zealand because you thought I was an Australian.
- Jemaine: That was a misunderstanding; you were wearing a vest top.
- Bret: My mum gave me that; thought it made me look like Bruce Willis.
- Jemaine: Well it didn’t, it made you look like an Australian!
- Bret: Did she sound Australian? Australian accent?
- Jemaine: Yes, yes.
- Bret: What did it sound like?
- Jemaine: Kind of like an evil version of our accent.
(Speaking about Jemaine and Keitha the night before)
- Bret: Did you use protection?
- Jemaine: Yes, but only on my penis.
(Keitha meeting the band, talking about how her accent has changed since moving to America)
- Keitha: (Strong Aussie accent) Mum says I sound like Marilyn Monroe.
- Murray: (To Bret) Did you catch that?
- Keitha: What? Are you deaf? Marilyn Monroe.
- Murray: Oh, Marilyn Monroe.
- Keitha: Yeah.
- Bret: What about her?
- Keitha: I talk like her now!
- Jemaine: (Speaking over Keitha) She sounds like her.
- Murray: Yeah, she does a bit.
- Keitha: (A little annoyed) I talk like her now...
- Murray: Yeah, I suppose if you squint your ears...
(Bret and Murray leave the pawn shop, still looking for Jemaine)
- Dave: Okay, they're gone
- Jemaine: Thank you, Dave.
- Dave: Yeah, don't worry about it guys. I just think it's really cool that you love each other, even though you're from Austria and you're from some place no one's even fucking heard of.
- Keitha: Australia.
- Jemaine: New Zealand.
- Dave: Exactly. Because it shouldn't matter where you're from when love's involved. It's like that movie - "Interracial Hole Stretchers 2" - she was white; they were black. But it didn't matter in the end, did it? Because they were in love.
- Jemaine: I haven't...I haven't seen that one.
- Dave: Well, it really affected me.
Love is a Weapon of Choice [2.06]
Bret: Send a cheque in a letter to make a Setter feel better.
Jemaine: Come on, make a donation to save a shakin' Dalmatian.
Prime Minister [2.07]
Murray: We've still got the barbecue to look forward to
Prime Minister: Yeah I was thinking about that Murray, a barbecue's a little bit old fashioned don't you think, what about a fondue party instead
Prime Minister: Yes, I mean I've got the cheese covered (pulls single block of cheese from suitcase)
Prime Minister: What could you bring Murray, the salads perhaps?
Prime Minister: Brett what can you bring?
Bret: I could make half a dozen croutons
Prime Minister: Half a dozen, do you think you could go higher than half a dozen?
Bret: Nine hundred
Murray: They'd have to be very small, almost like crumbs
Prime Minister: Nine hundred, I think thats too many, try and split the difference, try and come down from nine hundred but up from six or seven
Bret: I could probably make fifty croutons if you like
Prime Minister: Excellent, excellent idea. You're showing promise young man
Murray: Alright, (makes note down in pad) Bret's shown promise
New Zealand Town [2.08]
- Bret: I have a girlfriend, but she doesn't know I exist.
- Dave: But you do exist don't you? [pokes Bret]
- Bret: Yeah, I exist.
- Dave: Well, why did you say you came from Never Never Land?
- Bret and Jemaine: New Zealand.
- Dave: But you guys said you flew here!
- Jemaine: On a plane, Dave. A plane.