Last modified on 10 July 2014, at 02:58

Family Guy/Season 11

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Into Fat AirEdit

Lois Guess who I just ran into at the market? Ross Fishman!
Peter: Your old boyfriend? The one with the penis?

[competing over dinner with Ross Fishman]
Peter: Shirts off! I want to see who's got bigger pecs. [tears off his shirt]
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Well, they look better when they're oiled up. [to Chris] Pass the salad dressing. Oh no, it's an almost empty squeeze bottle. Hang on. [squirts whatever is left onto his body] Eh, it's all out. [to Chris] There's dressing on that salad! Gimme that salad! [puts some salad onto his body] Yeah, who's the better man now, Ross?!

Ross: Well, this year perhaps our biggest trip ever. We're climbing Mt. Everest.
Peter: Oh yeah? Is that right? Well, so are we!
Lois: We are?
Ross: Peter, I highly doubt that. I mean, no offense, but it doesn't look like your family would be up to the task.
Brian: I think he's right about that. After all, we couldn't even turn the double play.
[cut to the Griffins on a ball field, with Peter on second base]
Peter: Alright, Griffins, on the ground, we're goin' second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball plays in second. Let's look sharp. Tough D, tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's at second. This infield is a Great Wall of China, nothin's gettin' past us. Good D, behind ya, Bri, good D all around. [a fastball punches Peter in the throat, changing his voice to sound like Stewie] I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry. I am okay. My voice sounds weird, I know, but I feel fine.

Ratings GuyEdit

Lois: Oh, Stewie. How exciting, your first visit to a real fire station.
Peter: Yeah, you kids always loved your first trip to the fire station. You remember when we took Meg?
[Lois places baby Meg on the station doorstep and runs off immediately with Peter]

Stewie: My name's Peter, and I work in the brewery. Now I'm gonna put on my pants and talk to my co-worker's a—these pants have stool in them.

Peter: Hey, Chris, you think it's safe to drink from a fire hose?
Chris: Why not, Dad? It's just water.
Peter: Alright, turn it on. I'm very thirsty.
[Chris turns the hose full to Peter's face, which after stops there's nothing but his skull]
Peter: Nice job, Chris. You got my shirt wet.

Quagmire: Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland. You know how I know that phrase? I read it in a book, you monster!

[a lightbulb appears over Peter's head]
Peter: I think I just got an idea. [he stands up and breaks his head on the lightbulb] AAAAAH!!! I got glass in my face! Aw, crap. Now I forgot what it was. [another lightbulb appears] I got it! [stands up and breaks the second lightbulb] AAAAAAH! Son of a bitch!!!

[Peter runs up to two men at the Television Producers Guild]
Man #1: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?
Peter: I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it.
[Homer Simpson runs up to Peter and the two men]
Homer: Guys, I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it!
Peter: A-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

The Old Man and the Big 'C'Edit

Peter: I learned how to do a somersault. [Peter tries to do it, but falls over] Did I do it?

Peter: I guess all the time Quagmire should've been saying "Wiggity".

Quagmire: Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.

Yug YlimafEdit

Stewie: You bastard!! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks!!!
Brian: Oh, come on! They're not all bad.
Stewie: Oh, yes. I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer, she was a real prize.
[cutaway to Peter, Lois, and Brian and his date at dinner]
Lois: How are you enjoying your meal?
Woman: L-L-L-L-L-Lois, it's d-d-d-delicious.
Peter: [walking up to the thermostat] Oh, for cryin' out loud.
Lois: Peter, why are you turnin' up the heat again?
Peter: Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.

Stewie: Somehow, my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.
Brian: Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that mean? I don't get it.
[we angle on the sidewalk. a backwards walking Mort Goldman takes a quarter from his pocket and puts on the sidewalk, then continues]
Brian: Okay, now I get it.

[Stewie and Brian hear groaning]
Stewie: What the devil is that?
Brian: It's Peter and Chris; sounds like they're in trouble.
[They go to the family room and they see Peter and Chris groaning with vomit all over the room]
Stewie: My God, why is there so much vomit everywhere
Brian: [Points at a bottle] Is that the Ipecac bottle? [Suddenly realizes] Oh, no! No, please, not this!
Stewie: Oh God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going-- UUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLEEEEEP!
Brian: [Panicked] OH DEAR GOD...! UUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLEEEEEEP! Oh! OOOOH! [He and Stewie back away and get on the couch then vomit gets on Brian's head] AAH, WHAT THE HELL?!?
Peter: [Holds Brian's ears] UUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEP!
Stewie: I don't wanna... I don't wanna... UUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEP!
Chris: Dad, I'm scared. UUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEP! [Cries]
Stewie: Oh, God, this is so disgusting! I think I'm gonna puke! BLLLLLLLEEEEAAAARRRGGH! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLEEEEEP! FUCK!
[Brian and Stewie go outside, wipe their mouths and groan in disgust]
Brian: Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We've GOT to fix this! We just ate so much vomit!!

[As the Griffins leave after Stewie just been born]
Chris: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you?
Lois: Chris, that's ridiculous!

200 Episodes LaterEdit

Stewie: Watch your back, Simpsons, we're less than halfway there.

Joe's RevengeEdit

[Peter makes the "I'm watching you" sign]
Joe: What is that?
Peter: Let's use our eyes ... to see.

Brian: Stupid cat!

Peter: Quagmire and I'll help you bring this guy to justice!
Quagmire: [through clenched teeth] Peter, what'd I say about you volunteering me for shit?

Lois Comes Out of Her ShellEdit

Lois: Do Me Peter,Do me right in the basement.

Peter: I'm gonna get our old mom back! Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, UG-LAAAAAY!!!!

Friends Without BenefitsEdit

Quagmire: How're you girls doin' on popcorn?
Girl: I'll take some.
Quagmire: Here ya go.

Lois: Meg, Kent's here!
Meg: Just putting on my lipstick! [shaves, cuts] Dammit!

Stewie: Rupert, did you hear that? Meg's boyfriend is in love with me. Not that I care, I mean, it won't matter once I explain to him what's going on with us. But what would I tell him is going on with us?

Stewie: Dear God, I have a shoe appointment in the morning and I want to be fresh!

Dr. Hartman: Yeah, that's... that's not supposed to be there so, she should probably always wear a hat.

Lois: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Bonnie. I've put Stewie in the oven a buncha times. As long as you come to your senses in 15 minutes, everything's fine.
Peter: Lois, can I go slip'n'slide in the yard?
Lois: Has it been half an hour since you've eaten?
Peter: Yes, almost.
Lois: Okay, I just wanna be sure you don't get a cramp.
Peter: Yay, poor people water fun!

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!Edit

Joseph (Peter): Y'know, this is the same picnic basket we drowned my sister in. Was back when they were like "Drown all the girls!" and then they were like "Don't drown all the girls!", but she was born on a drowning week so y'know. Achoo!

Donkey (Meg): So you guys are goin' to Bethlehem, huh? I went there one time on a donkey's night out. Oh my God; I got sooo hammered!

Joseph (Peter): [trying to have sex with Mary/Lois] I can't believe how hard you're making me work.
The Virgin Mary (Lois): Well, I did have a good virginity coach.
[cutaway]
Consuela: No, no, no.
The Virgin Mary (Lois): Okay, I think I got it. How's this?...
[in Consuela's accent]
Consuela: No, no, no.

Space CadetEdit

Peter: Hey, what's that in there?
Guide: That's a sensory deprivation room that prepares our astronauts for the terrifying emptiness of space.
Peter: Aw cool! Hey, c'mon, Brian. Try it with me. [both enter. Guide closes the door]
Peter, Brian: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! [both exit with heads in opposite bodies]
Peter: Things got crazy so fast!

Peter: We were talkin' about Meg. We-we call her Chris so she doesn't know.
Meg: [off-camera] Fuck you!
Peter: Shut up, Chris!

Peter: A week ago, we call him stupid and now he's given tours at a space shuttle. Negative reinforcement, that's the key. [kicks Stewie] Right, stupid?
Stewie: Ow! I'll do better!

Lois: Everyone, strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand!
Stewie: No, thank you. I prefer to die giving you the finger.
Peter: If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

Meg: [touring the shuttle with Chris] So do you know how all this stuff works?
Chris: Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch.
Stewie: Ooo! Big red button!

Brian: What are you doing?
Chris: Saving our lives.
Peter: I wish he hadn't said that. Now I'm kinda rooting against him.

Brian's PlayEdit

Stewie: What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote, have you seen it?

Stewie: You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little".
Peter: I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.
Lois: No, Peter.
Peter: "Little" means mouse?
Lois: No, Peter.
Peter: I feel so old and in the way.
Brian: It's still a good play!

Stewie: It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from "Seinfeld".
Brian: I never saw that episode.
Stewie: I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well!

The Giggity WifeEdit

Peter: Where will you two be going on your scummymoon? And can I plan your bridal golden shower?

Peter: Your new wife is a human toilet.

Lois: Welcome to our home, Charmisse. Sit anywhere you like. That chair with the garbage bag taped over it looks pretty good.

Stewie: Meg, you look good next to her.

Quagmire: I need you to have sex with me while she watches.
Peter: I have some demands.

Quagmire: What the fuck is going on with my life?

Valentine's Day in QuahogEdit

[Stewie throws up and returns to the present after realizing the infant girl he fell in love with and kissed is his mother]
Brian: Oh my God. Stewie, what happened?
Stewie: NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHAT HAPPENED!!!
Brian: Geez, you kissed your mother with that mouth?

[Lois comes down the stairs to the darkened living room in a robe]
Lois: Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?
[she drops the robe and turns on the light to find she's standing naked before Stewie as he stares at her]
Stewie: No, but I'm ready for therapy.

Quagmire's date on the morning after sex: I thought we could get some breakfast.
[Quagmire flips a switch and the girl is dropped into a mine car and sent out the front door]
Quagmire: Clearly, you're not familiar with how this works.

Chris CrossEdit

Herbert: Sweet dreams, Chris.
[Herbert turns the lights off. Chris turns them on; Herbert's bed is moved closer to Chris]
Chris: I'm not really tired yet.

Lois: That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie?
Stewie: That kid was Indian and eleven years old. Where are you finding my friends?

Call GirlEdit

Lois: It's like our privates were shaking hands after a successful business meeting in a swamp.

[Peter and Lois are in a passionate embrace on the sofa]
Stewie: Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?

Joe: Hey Quagmire do yourself a favor...don't get married.
Quagmire: I wasn't gonna.
Joe: Good don't.
Quagmire: [Impatiently] I said I wasn't!
Joe: Good don't.
Quagmire: Joe you telling me not to has no affect on me whatsoever. I will not get married.
Joe: [Defiantly] Perfect...don't.

Joe: Quagmire you should never meet one of those sex operators.
Quagmire: [Impatiently] Yeah that's what I said...I wouldn't do it!
Joe: Good...don't.
Quagmire: [Angrily] J-Joe you realize what you're telling me not to do, I already am not doing! I know I should never meet one of those sex operators ever!
Joe: Good...don't.

Turban CowboyEdit

[Peter to the pilot before he skydives]
Peter: Thanks for the lift, Gil. I think I'll take the express down.

[the phone rings]
Lois: Hello?
[it's Peter]:
Peter: Is dinner almost ready?
Lois: Yes, Peter. God, where are you? I can barely hear you.
Peter: Pull back my chair ever so slightly.
[Lois complies and Peter crashes through the ceiling of the house]
Peter: Ahh, Daddy's home.

12 and a Half Angry MenEdit

Peter: I just don't think he could have done it. Guilty!
[Quagmire whispers in his ear]
Peter: Oh, guilty is the other one? [exasperated] Well, I don't know.

Lois: Peter, how long do we have to sit here?
Peter: Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked buncha bitches!

Judge: We will now hear the defense attorney's closing statement.
[Pans over jury, which shows Peter at two ends]
Peter: I switched seats.

Peter: Enough!... was a movie with Jennifer Lopez that did not live to expectations.

Quagmire: And now to take my position. This is what I call the butterpat.

Stewie: There's a maniac out there! He's cutting people's power off, breaking into their homes and slitting their throats!
[the lights suddenly go out]
Stewie: And we're dead.

BigfatEdit

Pope: Hi. I don't know who to complain to about this, but I keep getting XVIII's mail. Yeah, no, no, he's not here anymore. This is XXIV. Yeah. No, I don't need Newsweek. No, I don't need National Geographic. Yeah...I...No, I'll...I'll hang onto Boy's Life.

[Peter sees Roger when they greet the new neighbors, the Smiths]
Peter: What the hell kind of dog is that?
[Roger indicates Meg]
Roger: I was going to ask you the same thing.

[Hank Hill wakes up from a nightmare of his wife, Lois, sleeping with Peter]
Hank Hill: Ahh, dammit. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.

Peter: Lift up the shades, there's a man on the wing! [Joe lifts up the shades] I'm the man on the wing.
Joe: Are you crazy?!

Quagmire: I don't know if I can pull out of this, Giggity.

Stewie: [weakly] You... look... fat.

Peter: [sighs] I'm bored.
Quagmire: Peter, you made me crash the damn plane!
Peter: Okay, I know you're a pilot and everything, but not everyone likes to talk about planes as much as you, Quagmire.

Total RecallEdit

Peter: [in a deep voice] I even won a deep voice contest with Joe.
Joe: I heard you coming.
Peter: I made myself heard.
Joe: Where have you come from?
Peter: I've come from where I've been.
Joe: You still riding with that mangy polecat, Fletcher?
Peter: Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun in the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead end road.
Referee: Winner!

Peter: Look, Lois! I have my friends and you have groceries and all those rusty pink razors in the shower. Now just stick to what's intended for you and leave my things to me.

Save the ClamEdit

Chris: Hey, Meg. Who's your date? He looks like a real stiff.

Peter: There's only one drinking spot for us and it's the Clam.
Quagmire: But Peter, it's closed. We can't go in there.
Peter: Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer?
[a man whispers into Quagmire's ear]
Quagmire: My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.

Meg: [puts make up on corpse] Wow, that really works. Hm, maybe I'll try that on myself.
Meg's boss at the morgue: Oh, eh... You have what we call a "closed-casket-face".

Farmer GuyEdit

Lois: [to Peter] I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.
[cut to a cutaway of Peter walking by a hole in the ground, he stops to look at it]
Peter: Is that my ass?

Meg: You guys. I think this is a meth lab.
Lois: Oh my god. You mean like as in D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L?
Stewie: What's going on? What are you guys talking about?
Lois: Uh oh, someone's getting cranky. [picks up Stewie] I think he needs an N-A-P.
Stewie: What's happening? Where are you taking me? Man, I got to crack this code.

Roads to VegasEdit

[one set of Brian and Stewie teleport into Las Vegas]
Brian: Oh my God, Stewie. It worked! We're in Vegas.
Stewie: Yeahhh, alright! So let's hit the hospital, get checked out for teleportation cancer and then part-tyyyy!

[Peter is cut and bloody after using scissors to make a mask]
Peter: Scissors are jerks. And I'm a owl.

[a trio of Asians smoking walk by a frustrated Brian at a slot machine with more Asians smoking behind him]
Brian: Excuse me, where can I find some smoking Asians? Oh, everywhere? Okay.

[Peter climbs a ladder toward a beehive]
Peter: I'm gonna get me that honey.

[Brian and Stewie are on the hotel balcony ready to jump]
Stewie: Well... this is it.
Brian: I guess so.
Stewie: Count to three?
Brian: Yep.
Brian and Stewie: 1... 2...
Brian: THREE! [Jumps]
Stewie: [Hangs on to the rail] I'm sorry, I can't! I WANT TO LIVE! I didn't really think we were going to do it!
Brian: [Whilst falling] YOU DICK!!!! [He lands on the ground and dies]

[Lucky Stewie and Unlucky Brian see each other in heaven]
Lucky Stewie: [Coldly] Hey.
Unlucky Brian: [Coldly] Hey.

[The unlucky Brian and Stewie are in their seedy hotel.]
Brian: Oh my god. This place is a dump!
Stewie: [he whips out a travel brochure] Let's not be too quick to judge. It says here there's a continental breakfast! [reads it again] Oh. The continent is Africa.
Brian: I can't believe we have to keep checking in every 20 minutes.
Stewie: [continues reading] Also, the porn's free, but we have to watch it in the lobby.

No Country Club for Old MenEdit

Brian: Hey, so eeeh... I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard.
Stewie: Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape.
Brian: Just don't fucking say anything, okay?

External linksEdit

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