Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) is a 1972 film consisting of a series of short sequences loosely inspired by Dr. David Reuben's book of the same name.
- Directed and written by Woody Allen.
- Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.
- With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!
- [the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress] Hi Milord! Remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?
- Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?
- I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."
- Gina: [in Italian] Fabrizio, my darling, go easy on my hymen.
- Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.
- Friend: [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.
- Fabrizio: [in Italian] For how long?
- Friend: [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.
- Fabrizio: [in Italian] How long with your wife?
- Friend: [in Italian] Thirty seconds.
- Fabrizio: [in Italian, in awe] Lucky!
- The Queen: Kiss me quick!
- The Fool: Yes!... where is your quick?
- The Queen: Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.
- The Fool: Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.
- Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!
- Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.
- Victor Shakapopulis: Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?
- Dr. Bernardo: Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.
- Victor Shakapopulis: Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...
- Dr. Bernardo: Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters of Johnsons Clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters of Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!
- Victor Shakapopulis: Are we having dessert?
- You haven't seen anything until you've seen everything
- If you want to know how this man made a movie out of this book... "Everything you always wanted to know about sex* - *But Were Afraid to Ask" you'll have to see the movie!
- Woody Allen - Victor Shakapopulis / Fabrizio / The Fool / Sperm
- Jack Barry - Himself
- John Carradine - Dr. Bernardo
- Erin Fleming - The Girl
- Elaine Giftos - Mrs. Ross
- Lou Jacobi - Sam Musgrave
- Louise Lasser - Gina
- Robert Q. Lewis - Himself
- Heather MacRae - Helen Lacey
- Pamela Mason - Herself
- Sidney Miller - George
- Regis Philbin - Himself
- Anthony Quayle - The King
- Tony Randall - The Operator
- Lynn Redgrave - The Queen
- Burt Reynolds - Switchboard
- Ref Sanchez - Igor
- Gene Wilder - Dr. Ross