I was in a bar the other night
, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky
— but there wasn't gum under any of them.
Emo Philips (born 7 February 1956) is an American comedian famous for his eccentric appearance, surreal humor, and the bizarre cadence of his voice in the delivery of his lines.
it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- As quoted in The Fourth — And By Far The Most Recent — 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said : Many Given Heightened Piquancy by Nineteenth-Century Line Cuts (1990) edited by Robert Byrne, 32
- I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
- As quoted in Psychology Today (July 2006)
- "I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was... conscious. … But I love her from the hair on her head to the tag on her toes." 
- I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind...
- Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"
- How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
- I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
- New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
- People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
- When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!"
One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
- My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
- When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
- You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
- You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!
- Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
- He said, "Nobody loves me."
- I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
- He said, "Yes."
- I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
- He said, "A Christian."
- I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
- He said, "Protestant."
- I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
- He said, "Baptist."
- I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
- He said, "Northern Baptist."
- I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
- He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
- I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
- I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
- He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
- I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
- Voted 44th funniest joke of all time in "The 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time" in GQ magazine (June 1999)
A Fine How Ya DoEdit
- Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
- I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
- People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
- The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference."
- Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.
- Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Track Two + Track Two continuedEdit
- I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
- I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
- My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
GQ Magazine - 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time (June 1999)Edit
- I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
- I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
The Guardian - The best God joke ever - and it's mine! (September 1980)Edit
- When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
- A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
- I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
- When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (Episode 303)Edit
- I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.
- People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.