Last modified on 4 December 2014, at 00:26

Drake & Josh

Drake & Josh, is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider. It stars Drake Bell and Josh Peck. The series debuted in 2004 and ended in 2007.

Season 1Edit

PilotEdit

  • Megan: [referring to her parents] Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?

  • Walter: Think fast! [Shoots arrow at Drake and accidentally hits lamp]
  • Drake: Lamps don't think that fast.

  • Drake: [to Josh, who's dressed as Miss Nancy] Why are you dressed like Queen Latifah?!

  • Drake: He's gonna be my step-dad?
  • Walter: Yep.
  • Drake: [points to Josh] And you! You're gonna be...? He's gonna be my...?
  • Josh: [Hugs Drake] Hug me, brotha'!
  • Drake: [screams]]

  • [Josh walks over to open the front door, suddenly Buck barges the door open on Josh]
  • Tiffany: Buck!
  • Buck: [Buck grabs Josh by his shirt] So, it's true!
  • Josh: What? That I have a concussion?
  • Buck: I turn my back for five minutes, and you're on a date with... with this clown?!
  • Josh: Trouble... breathing!!
  • Tiffany: Look, I can date whoever I want.
  • Buck: Yeah? Well you can't date a guy with no HEAD! [Josh cries] You're Hamburger meat. You understand me?
  • Josh: [crying] But I'm a vegetarian!
  • Buck: Monday, 3 o'clock, you and me. Have an ambulance ready. [Shoves Josh against the wall, then leaves]
  • Tiffany: That was so romantic!
  • Drake: [comes out of the kitchen] And dessert is here. Josh, I thought you had to pee.
  • Josh: [Looks down at his pants] Done.

Dune BuggyEdit

  • Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don't see me explodin'!

  • Josh: I don't know. Lying. It seems so wrong.
  • Drake: You wanna get grounded?
  • Josh: But it feels so right.

  • Drake: Once again, you were not punished because you lied.
  • Josh: I know. [mockingly] "I got punished because I lied badly." Sing a new song, would ya?

  • Josh: Do you want to get grounded and end up moppin' floors like me?
  • Drake: [mockingly] Would I get to wear that purdy apron?

  • [Drake has just fixed Trevor's dune buggy]
  • Trevor: Man, the motor sounds great!
  • Drake: Yeah. You know where it would sound better?
  • Trevor: ...In the shower.
  • Drake: On the road!
  • Trevor: Better!

  • Walter: What else did the doctor say?
  • Drake: That I should stay in bed and rest for a couple of weeks.
  • Audrey: Well, that's gonna be easy, 'cause you're GROUNDED.
  • Josh: FINALLY!

  • Drake: What are you smiling about?
  • Josh: The great Drake, grounded for two weeks. I love it!
  • Drake: Yeah, me too.
  • Josh: Heh?
  • Drake: Two weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas... yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.

  • Megan: [to Josh] I'm telling Moma you drank out of the carton!

Believe Me, BrotherEdit

Drake: Okay, Josh. I admit, it's kinda cute that you have a little crush on Susan.
Josh: She has a crush on me! And it ain't little!

Josh: I know when a girl likes me! I've imagined it a thousand times!

Josh: [from inside his dresser, waving his hand around] Can somebody please hand me my underwear?

Josh: We could do a documentary on the reproductive habits of lizards.
Drake: I'm not going to do anything that involves me watching lizards make out!

Susan: Josh, it's not unintentional at all.
Josh: I knew it! [Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]
Drake: Susan?!
Susan: Ew! Josh, what are you doing? I'm Drake's girlfriend!
Josh: Drake! This isn't what it looks like—wait. [turns around and gets on his knees] Dear Lord, thank you for my first kiss! Amen!

Josh: I'd just like to say, busted!
Susan: Drake, did you hear what he just said to me?!
Drake: Uh, yeah, I think he just said, busted!

Josh: [singing] Shavin' in the bathtub! Shavin' in the bathtub! [making electric razor noises]

[after Susan dumps both of them]
Josh: I think we handled that very maturely.
Drake: Yes, that felt good.
[Susan gets paint sprayed on her from her locker]
Drake: ... That felt better.
Josh: Yeah it did!

Two Idiots And A BabyEdit

Josh: [dangling from the roof] I deserve this. This is all because I forgot to feed my turtle, Sheldon in kindergarten! He went to heaven, and now my life is bad! [looks up] Ya happy, Sheldon?! We're even now!
Walter: [offscreen] Josh?
Josh: SHELDON?!

[on the phone]
Josh: Goo goo, gaa!
Mrs. Galloway: Aw, he sounds so happy. Hello, little Maxie. Hi!
Josh: Mama.
Mrs. Galloway: [gasps] He said "Mama!" That's his first word! Oh, Max, oh, say it again!
Josh: Mama!

Drake: The bear! Where's the singing bear, the one that puts him to sleep?
Josh: Check in there.
Drake: Got it.
[Drake winds the singing bear's head]
Bear: I've been workin' on the… [stops]
Josh: Hurry. Wind it again!
[Drake winds the bear's head too fast and hard, causing it to break off]
Josh: I said "wind it", not "murder it!"

[After the phone goes into the fish bowl when Max is crying]
Josh: Oh, the baby!
Drake: Oh, the fishes!

Drake: All right. Where is he?
Megan: I think he's dangling from the gutter.
Drake: Not Josh. The baby!
Megan: What makes you think that I would have the baby?
Drake: Because you're a devious, twisted little girl.
Megan: [laughs] Why thank you, Drake.
[Drake pulls his sister up by the shirt]
Drake: Where...is...the baby?!

[Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]
Drake: Josh! I'm trying to work on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? [Drake unplugs the Sander] Dude, I can't concentrate.
Josh: I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M WEARING EARPLUGS!
Drake: Oh. [Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain] Dude, Can't you work on your mechanic dork machine somewhere else?
Josh: It's not a dork machine. It's a one A scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult.
Drake: So?
Josh: SO, when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. [Josh launches the Catapult]
Drake: Impressive. Oh hey hey, Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room.
Josh: This is my room.
Drake: It was my room first.
Josh: Alright, let's compromise. We could... [Drake strums his Guitar] I was going to say... [Drake strums a second time] But I just wanted... [Drake strums a third time] HEADACHES!

First CrushEdit

Drake: Good luck with Kathy. Remember, she's just a person. I mean girls are just guys without... Just do good.

Drake: Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend?
Josh: Girlfriend, please.

Josh: I'm not cool, all right? Why do you think old people like me so much?

Josh: It's like girls and I speak different languages. They speak English, I speak Idiot.

Drake and Josh: And the most important thing is to be yourself.
Drake: ...Unless you're Josh.

Josh: (trying to find something to say to Kathy) Do you like spoons?

GrammyEdit

Grammy: I wasn't born yesterday, you know.
Drake: Yeah, no doubt about that.

Scotty: Can you believe it? We made it backstage!
Rina: This is not backstage!
Paul: This is practically jail!
Drake: Those guys are cops!
Rina: Yes! Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty!
Scotty: Guys, the tickets are not fake.
Drake: Are you sure?
Scotty: I photocopied them myself. What?
Drake: You can't photocopy tickets!
Scotty: Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it.
Drake: No, not just any moron, it takes a special moron, like you!

Josh: Hey, where's Drake with our pizza?
Drake: [offscreen] I cannot believe I ate an entire pizza!

Drake: At least we have a little time before she gets here. Let's have fun while we can.
Grammy: [enters] What, you can't remember to lock the door?
Drake: Wow, weren't those two seconds fun?

Josh: Why are you so mean to Drake?
Grammy: Because I know his type. I dated twelve musicians like him before I dated your gramps.
Josh: I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men.
Grammy: Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night.
Josh: [jokingly] Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for "Grammys Gone Wild"?!

Season 2Edit

The BetEdit

Drake: Last week Josh challenged me to see who could hold his breath the longest.
Josh: We had this contest to see who could hold their breath longer. After two minutes...
Drake: I won.
Josh: I lost... consciousness.
Drake: I was breathing through my nose the whole time.
Josh: Oh, and then there was the milk challenge.
Drake: I bet Josh my allowance that he couldn't chug an entire gallon of milk, but he did it. I lost.
Josh: I threw up.
Drake: He yacked.
Drake and Josh: It was worth it!

Drake: Oh, just face it, Josh: you're addicted to video games.
Josh: I am not addicted to them! [grinning] I am in love with them!

Drake: [mockingly] Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No thank you man! I got me a video game!
Josh: [mockingly] Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of cheese balls! [shoves a fist full of cheese balls into his mouth]
Drake: which you're allergic to.
Josh: [ stops eating, then vacuums the remainders of the cheeseballs out ]

Audrey: You were too busy to go get your sister, but you weren't too busy to play video games all day!
Drake: Josh.
Audrey: Or to sit around swallowing 20 pounds of junk food!
Josh: Drake.
Megan: [to Audrey] I keep telling you they're bad people!

[Grammy has sent Josh a Game-Sphere]
Josh: It's a Game-Sphere!
Drake: No way! The Game-Sphere doesn't come out for another three months.
Josh: Never underestimate Grammy!
Walter: Whoa, hold on. What's a Game-Sphere?
Josh: Only the most sophisticating gaming experience ever created by humans! And it's spherical. Spherical!

Josh: [rocking back and forth] GameSphere... GameSphere... GameSphere... GameSphere...

Josh: I can't wait! I have to play the Game-Sphere! It's spherical!

Megan: All you have to do is sabotage Drake.
Josh: [grins evilly] Sabotage. That's good. Real good.

Drake: Josh, what did you do?
Josh: What do you mean, Drake?
Drake: It's all candy and junk food.
Josh: ["matter-of-fact] Yes. I suppose it is!
Drake: But, Josh, how did you—?
[Josh raises big candy cane in front of Drake] Shh
Josh: Don't ask. [eats a piece of candy] Just enjoy.

[While Josh is tempting Drake with various sweets]
Josh: Everybody loves gummy bears!

GuitarEdit

Helen: You.
Josh: Me?
Helen: That's your name, isn't it?

Josh: [What is the] Eighth planet from the sun!
Drake: They have eight now?!

Josh: [to guitar] So I just kept applying the ointment... and eventually the rash went away...

Josh: Do you sell guitars here?
Guy at counter: [sarcastically] Here? At Guitar World? Gee, I don't know.

[Drake is staring at the vintage guitar he just won]
Drake: Josh, I think I'm in love.
Josh: Okay, but if you start making out with the thing, I'm leaving the room.

Josh: You got me into this mess.
Megan: I did? [grins] Cool.

[Josh just accidentally broke Devin's hand]
Manager: Are you hurt?
Devin: Yes.
Manager: Is it your hand?
Devin: [Annoyed] Yes!
Manager: How many fingers am I holding up?
Devin: I don't care!

Josh: [to a security guard] [sarcastically, guilt-ridden] Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness?

Drake: Hey, could you stare at my guitar for me? I gotta go to the bathroom.
Josh: You want me to stare at your guitar...for you...while you pee?
Drake: I could pee in here.
Josh: I'll stare.

[Deleted scene]
Drake and Josh: [singing] I saw Mercury, then Venus, I saw the Earth, then Mars—
Radio announcer: Guys? Guys! Could you hang up the phone?
Drake and Josh: [Hang up the phone. They sigh then decide to go back to their song] I saw Mercury, then Venus, I saw the Earth, then Mars, I saw Jupiter, then Saturn, Uranus, then Neptune and—

Movie JobEdit

Helen: You made Crazy Steve quit?!
Josh: You hired a guy named Crazy Steve?
Helen: Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for two months, but he's just so—
Josh: Crazy?
Helen: Mm-hmm.

Helen: Do you have a job?
Josh: No.
Helen: Are you, uh, all right in the head?
Josh: I think so.
Helen: Congratulations. You're hired.
Josh: What?!
Helen: Get to work!

Drake: I like to earn my money the old fashioned way.
Josh: How?
Drake: Selling your stuff on eBay.
Josh: [sarcastically] Yeah, right. [finds that his stereo is missing]
Josh: Uh, Drake, where's my stereo?
Drake: Wisconsin.
Josh: Aww...

[after Josh tells Drake that Helen is tough and does not just hand out jobs at the theater]
Drake: Hey, Helen, can I have a job here?
Helen: Whatever. Start tomorrow.

Plumber: [going through the drain] Oh here's the problem. You had a beef rib stuck in there. [starts eating it] No, actually, it's pork. [keeps eating]... Yep. Definitely pork. [keeps eating and chuckles]
[Drake and Josh chuckle nervously]
Drake: Mom!
Josh: Dad!

[After people cause a riot searching for little golden balls Josh hid in the popcorn (finding one would give people free movies for a month)]
Josh: Little golden balls. So much trouble... from such little... golden balls!

[Deleted scene]

Walter: [Talking through objects] Hey, are you the weather man? Not just the weather man. [Audrey and Megan walk in] I'm the superhero weather man!!! [Audrey and Megan just stare at him; Walter turns on the TV]

FootballEdit

[Josh leans against a wall with wet paint. Twice.]
Josh: How 'bout...paintin' on the weekends?!

[Josh arrives home looking very beat up]
Drake: What happened to you?
Josh: Football happened to me. First I got tackled, then I was trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle!
Drake: So...you didn't make the team.
Josh: Oh, I made the team.
Drake: Really?! That's so cool!
Josh: Yeah! My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's brand-new... [holds up a jersey] e-quipment manager!
[Drake stares at Josh, incredulous]
Josh: ...E-quipment manager!

Josh: Did you do something to my brownies?
Drake: Oh yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.
Football Player: Coach you better Check on Witherspoon he looks really bad!
Josh: How many brownies did you eat?
Witherspoon: I dunno like 17 [gags] ooh an' I think your about to see them again!
Coach: Alright, someone get this boy a bucket!
Josh: Aw, I just cleaned the buckets!
Coach: Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit!
Josh: Aw come on coach Davis, we can't forfeit!
Coach: Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center!
Drake: Josh will play Center!
Josh: Josh who?!
Drake: Josh you! You'll be great and cool!
Josh: And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals... animals!
Coach: Will you quit whining Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night!
Drake: Yes!
Josh: No!

[Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet]

Josh: Awww!

Zeke: Hey, who are you guys, and what are you doing in my chocolate factory?

Josh: Being at school at night creeps me out.
Drake: Really? That's how I feel about school during the day.

Josh: I'm not ready to die! I haven't seen Paris!
Drake: They eat snails, the people smell bad; you don't wanna go there.

Zeke: Who are you?
Drake: I'm Drake.
Zeke: And you are...?
Josh: Josh.
Zeke: And I am...?
Drake: ...Zeke. ...You're Zeke.
Zeke: ...Right. And you are...?

Pool SharkEdit

Josh: Hey Drake, wanna take a cooking class together?
Drake: [from another room, in a high-pitched voice] Sorry, Drake moved to Australia.
Josh: That's not even an Australian accent!
Drake: Yes it is...fromage!
Josh: That's French!

Drake: Hey Josh, come play.
Josh: I'm working.
Drake: You're playing.
Josh: ...Okay.

Josh: [About the two tough, scary-looking biker thugs he hired to pretend to kill Drake] Drake, I'd like you to meet Chip and Ronnie, my old camp counselors.
Drake: [laughs] [pause] Where did you go to camp?

Walter: [needing a last minute anniversary gift for his wife] Uh, go get her some toothpaste. She's always using toothpaste.
Josh: Dad, there's $200 here.
Walter: Well get her some mouthwash too! ...I'm just a man! [runs away]

[While walking out angrily on Drake, Josh trips and falls]
Josh: I may have tripped... but that does not diminish the impact of this exit!

Drake: [To Josh; bends down on one knee opening a case] Will you play pool with me?

Little DivaEdit

Drake: I thought you were going to get an autograph from Regis.
Josh: I asked. He hit me.
Drake: Yeah, Regis...

[Drake reads the bill Dr. Glazer gave him to look at Ashley Blake, who is unconcious]
Drake: $500?!
Dr. Glazer: I put her to sleep. $500.

Josh: I must be dreaming. Pinch me!
Drake: I'm not pinching any part of you.

Blues BrothersEdit

  • Josh: [referring to Megan] Such big evil in such a little girl.

  • Josh: I hated the fourth grade. It was my awkward stage.
  • Drake: And this is...?

  • Drake: Why are you going to be on the news? Did you get locked in the monkey cage again?
  • Josh: Hey, those chimps tricked me! The big one took my corn dog and, I mean, I had to go in there and get it back! And I'd do it again!

  • Megan: (taking the tape with her as she leaves) It smells like boy in here anyway. (Josh grabs the tape)
  • Josh: Whoa, this tape stays right here.
  • Megan: Whatever, I've putted it on the Internet. (Megan leaves)
  • Josh: Oh, my life's over. I mind of drop out of school and move to China.
  • Drake: They have Internet there, too.

  • Josh: What is this? "Twitcha-Palooza"?
  • Josh: Some people are just born lucky. I am not one of those people.

Driver's LicenseEdit

Josh's driving instructor: I hate teenagers.
Josh: Oh yeah, we're the worst!

Josh: [on the phone] Hello? ...Oh, hi Trevor... No, I don't want to see your growth!... Look, I don't care if it's still growing. Put it back in the jar!"

Denise: So, Chives, how long have you worked for Drake's family?
Josh: [as Chives] Much too long.

Josh: Drake, we're supposed to be studying for our driving test tomorrow.
Drake: [playing a video game] That's what I'm doing. Ooh, just rammed a dragon! Oh, bridge is out!
Josh: I seriously doubt our driving test will involve stealing a bus and ramming dragon.
Drake: Do you know that for sure?

Josh: [coming home from the grocery store with bags] And he's back with the groceries!

Police Officer: Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son.
Josh: No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets.
Police Officer: What for?
Josh: Well, one for the faulty tail light... And one for this! [Drake and Josh start fighting while Drake's date runs out of the car in horror]

#1 FanEdit

Josh: [holding a very large T-shirt] Is this for me or a sport utility vehicle?!

Wendy's answering machine: [Wendy's voice] Hi, this is Wendy. Drake's not here right now. But if he were, that would be so awesome! I love you, Drake! [pause] Please leave a message. [answering machine beeps]


Wendy: Look at it! Drake signed this for me!
Josh: [looks over autograph and frowns at Drake] On the back of my autographed picture of Frankie Muniz?!


Josh: [opens oven] Hello, s'mores! [takes s'mores out without oven mitts] Hello, pain!

Walter: [Gives Josh his Campfire Kids chief hat] This is for you.
Josh: What're you doing?
Walter: Resigning. You're the new Campfire Kids chief.
Josh: But I don't wanna be the—
Walter: [Shouting] New chief!
Josh: [Nervously] Yes, daddy!

Josh: So Wendy has a crush on you. It's cute. When I was her age, I had a crush on Oprah.
Drake: Oprah?
Josh: She's an inspiration! Anyway, don't worry. This week she likes you, next week it'll be...
Drake: [mockingly] Oprah?
Josh: Don't mock me!

[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]

Wendy: So what movie are we seeing?
Josh: We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about the wilderness of navigation.
[All the Campfire Kids groan]
Pete: You're the worst!
Josh: [sarcastically] Thank you, Pete. Okay, so what would you do if someone dropped you of in the middle of the road?
Megan: I'd call Mom on my cell phone.
Josh: Say you didn't have a cell phone.
Megan: I always have my cell phone.
Josh: The battery's dead.
Megan: I always carry a car charger.
Josh: It's broken, it fell in the lake, a bear ate it; the point is you're lost! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map.
Megan: So I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone?
Josh: That tears it, we're seeing a movie!
Campfire Kids: [cheering]

Wendy: [To Megan] Where's your brother?
Megan: [Thinking she was talking about Josh] That is my brother.
Wendy: Not him! Drake!
Megan: Why are you always asking about Drake?
Wendy: He's only, like, the cutest boy ever!
Pete: Ahem!
Wendy: Don't you think Drake's adorable?
Megan: I think of him more as a... target.

[Drake arrives home from school, angry]

Wendy: Hey, Drake!
Drake: Don't talk, just listen!
Wendy: Baby, what's wrong?
Drake: You know how much trouble your little posters caused me?! Everyone in my entire school made a fool of me today because of you!
Wendy: They just don't understand our relationship I will kill them all.
Drake: We don't have a relationship! You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend! I'm not even your friend! So, just leave me alone! [Drake walks away.]
Pete: So, when's the wedding?

[The Campfire Kids laugh at Wendy. Wendy leaves in tears.]

Megan: You know, that wasn't nice.
Pete: Who said I was nice?

[After Josh gets locked in the tent]

Josh: Um, could someone... let me out of here?! [Shakes the tent all about] I hate camping too! I'm claustrophobic! I would like some s'mores! Get me out of here!

[After Drake performs a song for Wendy, he and all the Campfire Kids leave the house, leaving Josh still locked in the tent]

Josh: Hey! I wanna go to Chuck E. Cheddar's! Oh, come on, let me out! I wanna whack a mole! Drake, Megan, could I just get some mocha cola? [Shakes the tent all about] There's no bathroom in here! That's a problem!

Mean TeacherEdit

Megan: [with a blaster machine] Okay, first we aim...next we load the tomatoes...and now, we wait for the boob.
[Josh enters the room, and Megan shoots a tomato at him and misses]
Megan: Aw, man! I missed your head. How could I have missed your giant head?
Josh: Okay, first of all, my head is only slightly larger than average. Second—
[Megan shoots more tomatoes, and keeps missing]
Megan: Darn it! I gotta go read the manual.
Josh: Wait, aren't you going to clean this up?
Megan: It's your room.
[She leaves, and Drake enters and sees the splattered tomatoes]
Drake: ...Who exploded?

Audrey: Where are you going?
Drake: To break up with my girlfriend.
Audrey: Have fun.

Drake: So, uh... nice night, huh?
Mrs. Hayfer: I hate you.
Drake: I know.

Josh: [to his date] I forgot whether you'd asked for regular or diet soda, so I went for the diet because you're a model, so you're probably watching your figure...I mean, not that you need to watch your figure, I mean, you have a great body...I mean, not that I was looking at it, I was just...I was just...aw, jeez!

Mrs. Hayfer: Why don't you tell the class your favorite novel from the 20th century?
Drake: Uh, Catcher in the Rye.
Mrs. Hayfer: Wrong.
Drake: But... but you just asked....
Mrs. Hayfer: Wrong!
Drake: But you...
Mrs. Hayfer: Was I talking to you?
Drake: Kinda'!

Drake: Hi, is Kelly... holy snot!
[Drake knocks at Kelly's door, only to have Mrs. Hayfer answer it]
Mrs. Hayfer: What a charming sentiment...
Drake: Mrs. Hayfer?! What are you doing here?!
Mrs. Hayfer: Watching OR. and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my front porch?
Drake: Wait. Isn't this Kelly's address?
Mrs. Hayfer: Wait... you're the boy who's been dating my daughter?
Drake: You're Kelly's mom!?
Mrs. Hayfer: I'm going to be sick.
Drake: Oh, right there with you.

Mrs. Hayfer: What language were Homer's The Iliad and The Odyssy written in? Drake?
Drake: Greek?
Mrs. Hayfer: Wrong! Todd?
Todd: Greek?
Mrs. Hayfer: Correct!

Drake: [Drake hamners down the phone] Ah, I can't take it anymore! I'm gonna make that girl break up with me tonight!
Josh: You already tried that, bro, and it didn't work.
Drake: I know...but...I need...something...like [stares and points at Josh's shirt] That shirt.
Josh: My shirt?!
Drake: Your shirt!
Josh: No! You don't even believe in its lucky powers.
Drake: Yeah I do! You got video games, gold jewelry, a date with a model; your life's not that good! [points at the shirt] This shirt is possessed!
Josh: I prefer enchanted.

The Gary GrillEdit

Josh: You made my customer leave.
Drake: So, who cares?
Josh: I do. Helen's been all over my butt to sell more snacks.
Drake: Uh, you really shouldn't use the words 'butt' and 'snacks' in the same sentence.
Josh: [annoyed] Headaches!

Josh: So, where you go the school?
Prisoner #1: You know what color your guts are?
Josh: (thinking for a moment) No.
Prisoner #1: I do.
Josh: Oh, is your father surgeon? (Drake then takes Josh away from the Prisoner)
Drake: He's not a good friend for you.

[Gary Coleman is about to confiscate their new translucent chair]
Josh: Please, can we keep the chair?
Gary: Have you sat in it?
Josh: Yeah.
Gary: Keep it.

Cop:[interrogating Drake and Josh] The description said that two Caucasian males were seen at the site.
Drake: See, there you go! We're not Caucasian, we're white guys!

Drew and JerryEdit

  • Drake: Couch meet butt; butt, couch.

  • [Josh has discovered that Jerry is wearing his pajamas]
  • Josh: [to Drake] What, is he wearing my underwear too?!
  • Jerry: No, I don't wear underwear when I sleep.
  • Josh: Okay then. Three words: KEEP...THE PAJAMAS!

  • Megan: [to Drake] Oh, and if you ever pick me up and kiss me like that again, you're going to wake up breathin' through a tube.

  • Megan: Look at him, boobin' it up out there!

  • Jerry: I may have stumbled... but that does not lessen the significance of this departure!

  • Jerry: I thought you said you were sorry!
  • Drew: I am sorry.
  • Jerry: I thought you meant you were sorry that you cheated and that you weren't gonna do it anymore!
  • Drew: No, i'm sorry I got caught. And i'm definitely gonna do it some more!

Honor CouncilEdit

  • Walter: You have been known to 'act out'.
  • Drake: Like when?
  • Walter: You drove the lawnmower into the living room.
  • Drake: By accident!
  • Audrey: You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.
  • Drake: To make money!
  • Walter: Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?
  • Drake: Oh, come on, even you hate your sister!

  • Mindy: I think when you were a baby, your mother dropped you on your head, then fed you a bottle of Stupid Juice, then sucked your brain out with a vacuum.
  • Josh: Oh yeah, well...oh yeah, well...oh yeah?!
  • Mindy: Good comeback, Josh.
  • Josh: OH YEAH?!

  • Mrs. Hayfer: Well, Drake....this isn't easy for me to admit, but I was wrong. I'm sorry.
  • Drake: Oh, thank you.
  • Mrs. Hayfer: I still hate you.
  • Drake: I know.

(Deleted scene)

(A girl from the jury gets up from her seat and runs up to Drake)

  • Girl: Drake's innocent, and cute!
  • Drake: Who are you?
  • Mr. Thompson: Please take your seat.
  • Girl: Free Drake! Free Drake! Free Drake! I love you. Bye! (Runs back to her seat)
  • Mindy: Okay...

Season 3Edit

The Drake and Josh InnEdit

Megan (to Drake and Josh): Listen to me! If you get on one of my nerves this weekend and you both wake up tomorrow morning very confused in Cuba!

Drake: It's fun locking Josh in closets!

Drake: You heard that, Josh? They don´t have any place to stay.
Josh: So?
Drake: Well, while our parents are out, we could make them stay at our home.
Josh: (very happy) Hey, that is so so STUPID!

Peruvian Puff PepperEdit

[At the beginning of the episode]
Drake: Sometimes when you plan to do one thing, something totally different happens.
Josh: Once I planned to ride my bike to the mall... I hit a bus.
Drake: Oh Oh and there was this one time I planned a surprise birthday party for Josh...
Josh: And I'll never forget the surprise party Drake planned for my birthday...
Drake: When he walked in, we all yelled, "Surprise!"
Josh: I just wasn't expecting to be surprised by all those people in our room.
Drake: Josh was so shocked, he threw a punch and nailed our Aunt Barbara right in the jaw.
Josh: I punched my Aunt Barbara, uh, but it was an accident.
Drake: When she woke up, she was so mad, she took the present she bought for Josh, and ran over it in our driveway.
Josh: And then She ran over my new cell phone... with her truck.
Drake: The whole thing was pretty hysterical.
Josh: The whole thing was pretty disturbing.
Drake: The point is.
Josh: The point is.
Drake: Whenever you plan something...
Josh: If you're gonna punch your aunt in the face...
Drake: Don't be surprised if things take an unexpected twist.
Josh: She just might run over your new cell phone!
Drake: Yup.
Josh: Yeah...

Josh (about Megan): Have you ever been in her room?
Drake: Once when I was nine.
Josh: What happened?
Drake: She pushed me out the window and then told Mom I fell.

Megan: (changes the channel to show Drake and Josh in the kitchen) My favorite show. Dumb and Dumbmer.

Josh:start chunking the tomatoes
Drake:Chunkin.(starts chopping the tomatoes and accidently chops josh's finger}Should I get the first aid kit?
Josh:MMMH.(makes a hurt expression on his face)

We're MarriedEdit

Josh (while on the phone): If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour it all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 9 days, you could walk around with sticky-butt!
Walter: Josh, it's your father.
Josh: Nice try! You big doof! (hangs up the phone) Man, if he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go into the kitchen and get himself ... (looks over at Drake holding a Mocha Cola) Oh, geez.

Crazy Steve (to Josh): Well, that's going to be a little problem. See, when you asked me to find that movie for you, I spent five hours on the phone tracking it down, talking Helen into letting me screen it for you, so now that I've done all that, [screams] SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE WATCHING ICK GLOKMAH TONIGHT OR SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR BEFORE THEIR 17TH BIRTHDAY, JOSH NICHOLS!!!
Josh: [To Drake and Yooka]: So, I'm gonna see Ick Glokmah.

Yooka: Drake and I are married.
Josh: Married?!
Drake: Married?!

Mindy's BackEdit

Mindy (to Josh): I guess we're girlfriend and boyfriend!
Josh: Fine, on one condition!
Mindy: What?
Josh: I get to be the boyfriend!

Josh: You hear that San Diego?! Josh Nichols time has come! So look outside...(falls out the window)
Drake: So, your project's about gravity?

Drake: Josh, I don't hate you!
Josh: But you must think I'm an idiot for dating Mindy.
Drake: No, that's not why I think you're an idiot.

Drake: So I don't like her, big deal. I don't like half the girls I date.

The AffairEdit

Josh (to Megan): How do you know that?
Megan: I read Dad's e-mail.
Josh: How'd you get his password?
Megan: It wasn't that hard. His password is "Password".
Drake: Oh, THAT is dumb!
Megan: It's a new kind of dumb.
Josh: Yeah, it is. (walks over to his computer)
Drake: Going to change your password?
Josh: Maybe.

Megan: When will the lobster be ready?
Drake: Yeah, I'm bloody starving!
Josh: Well, excuse me. I don't control the speed in which lobsters die!

Drake: Josh! I think Dad's having... woman problems.
Josh: Dad has cramps?

Josh: YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!
Drake: You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
Josh: I said cinnamon. CINNAMON!
Drake: What's the difference?
Josh: Everything! Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!

Playing the FieldEdit

Josh: There are more important things in life than kissing girls.
Drake: Name two.
Josh: I can't!

Drake (to Mindy): You're kind of a girl, right?
Mindy: Well, if not, I've been buying the wrong underwear.

Drake: Tori...
Josh: (in a very girly voice) What is it, Drake?
Drake: Okay, I'm not going to do this if you talk like that.
Josh: I'm being a girl.
Drake: What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother?

Helen's SurgeryEdit

Josh: I've lost my sightless loopy boss!

Josh: You left Helen alone in her apartment when she can't see? She could drown in her hot tub, or fall off her balcony, of suffer some kind of groove machine related concussion!

Paging Dr. DrakeEdit

Josh: [as Dr. Vichy-swaz] I kissed your wife!
Drake:[looking at Josh's badly injured left foot] Oh man, that looks like Mom's meatloaf! (family stares at him) Which tastes SO good!
Walter:[After discovering Josh's foot] YOU COULD LOSE THAT FOOT!
Josh: [whining] But I love this foot!

[Drake is setting up his new potato launching gun, while Josh prepares to lift a heavy barbell. However just when Josh manages to successfully lift the barbell, Drake accidentally launches the potato which hits Josh causing him to drop the barbell on to his foot. Josh screams in pain.]

Drake: It works... [Josh glares at Drake]
Josh: [After discovering he needs surgery] Oh, they're gonna carve me up like a Christmas Ham!

Foam FingerEdit

Josh: Are you...are you copying my answers?
Drake: No...I'm just comparing your answers with the answers I'm about to write.
Josh: Admit you made that whole story up.
Drake: No!
Josh: You started that fight!
Drake: You calling me a liar?!
Josh: I ain't calling you a truther!
Walter: All right boys.
Josh: You ruined my first baseball game.
Drake: "[mocking Josh]" Oh poor little Josh didn't get his Foam Finger.
Audrey: That's enough Drake.
Walter: Stop it Josh.
Josh: You want a mouth full of fist?!
Drake: You want a butt full of foot?!
Josh: Bring it!
Drake: You bring it!
Josh: YOU BRING IT!
Megan: COME ON! BOOB FIGHT!
Drake: You know what, I'm not gonna fight you. I've got a better idea.
Josh: What do you mean, better idea?! I'm SPEAKING TO YOU!
Drake: You don't get it, you know why? Because I'm Number One.
Josh Takes it From Drake, He Angrily Roars & Fights Drake, Then rips the Foam Finger
Drake: You crossed the line.
Josh: You crossed the line 8 Years ago.
Drake: [Angrily Points his Finger] Get out!
Audrey: So, how was school?
Drake: [to Josh] You're the worst!
Josh: [to Drake] You sicken me!
Audrey: I see.
Josh: I hope you go bald!
Drake: I hope they cancel Oprah!
Josh: [stands up pointing a 45 longslide at him] Take that back!
Walter: All right. Dinner is over.
Josh: There was no poor little girl. What would a dying British orphan be doing at a Padres game?
Drake: Orphans love baseball!
Drake: What are you doing in MY room?!
Josh: This is the livingroom. And uhhh... (checks pulse) Yeah, (points at himself)... LIVING!
Drake: Yeah well, not for long!
Josh: Ok, you wanna tussle?

[After finding out that Megan caused the fight]

Megan: Wow. I was awesome then.

Theatre ThugEdit

  • Megan: (She and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room) I so don't want to do this!
  • Josh: Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes!
  • Drake: What are you guys doing?
  • Megan: He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted.
  • Drake: (To Josh) Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously!
  • Josh: I just want to be good, alright?
  • Drake: It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it.
  • Josh: Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. (Leaves the room) Megan, you ready!?
  • Megan: Wait, let me go over my line. (Looks at her script) What? Okay, I'm ready!
  • Josh: Drake, yell action!
  • Drake: (Unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar) Action.
  • Josh: (Walks through the door) Where's the money?
  • Megan: What?
  • Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! (Megan giggles) Oh come on! You can't giggle!
  • Megan: You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed.
  • Josh: Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. (Leaves the room) Drake!
  • Drake: (Unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar) Action.
  • Josh: (Walks through the door) Where's the money?
  • Megan: What?
  • Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing!
  • Megan: There's a cop behind you.
  • Josh: (Turns around) What cop? (Megan pushes him through the door and locks it) Megan! Open this door! Fine! I'll just bust it down! (Tries to do so, but fails and falls to the floor.) Never mind... (Drake and Megan laugh)

  • Drake: Whoa, just take it easy, man.

The DemonatorEdit

  • Josh: Uh oh. I just had a bad thought.
Megan: What? You might grow old, never get married, and die alone?
Josh: No... But thank you for pointing out that possibility.

  • [Craig and Eric are watching Papa Nichols, who is sleeping]
  • Craig: Drake said he'd be asleep all night.
  • Papa Nichols: Ohh, where am I? What's happened?
  • Eric: He's disoriented.
  • Papa Nichols: What did you call me?
  • Eric: Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just uhh...
  • Papa Nichols: What have you done with the rest of my unit?!
  • Craig: What does he mean "his unit"?
  • [Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]
  • Eric: I guess he thinks he's back in World War II.
  • Papa Nichols: [uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie] General Ross, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by two German nerds!
  • Eric: Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans.
  • Papa Nichols: That's just what a German would say!
  • Eric: No, no, no. You don't understand...
  • Papa Nichols: No, no. You will not capture me. [bonks Eric in the head] Ever!
  • Craig: Eric! [Papa Nichols grabs him by the arm and throws him over the couch] Aaahh!
  • Papa Nichols: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.-S.-A.! [starts running off] U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

  • [Craig and Eric are at home, looking for Papa Nichols]
  • Eric: [looks out the window] Papa Nichols?
  • Craig: [in the kitchen] Papa Nichols?
  • Eric: Papa Nichols?
  • Craig: Papa Nichols?
  • Eric: World War II's over.
  • Craig: And we're not Germans.
  • Eric: We're honor students.
  • [Craig comes out of the kitchen]
  • Craig: Why is he hiding from us?
  • Eric: Well, I guess he's confused on the count of all that medication they gave him after his surgery.
  • Craig: Well, where could he be?
  • [they look up as Papa Nichols screams and falls from the ceiling and lands on top of them]
  • Papa Nichols: Ahh, ahh. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

  • [Eric looks into Drake and Josh's room for Papa Nichols]
  • Eric: [spots him laying on the couch] Craig, I found him! He's upstairs!
  • Craig: Ohh. [hollars] Thank goodness!
  • Eric: Papa Nichols. Papa Nichols, are you feeling better?
  • [he opens the covers, but Papa Nichols traps him in a pillow case]
  • Papa Nichols: Ahh!
  • Eric: Hey! Craig, help me! [Craig hears the comotion as Papa Nichols screams and throws him out the window]
  • Papa Nichols: General Patton, I just found another one. [he salutes]

  • [Papa Nichols ties Craig and Eric up in chairs and picks up a broom]
  • Papa Nichols: All right. For the last time, what have you done with Colonel Bradford?
  • Craig: We don't know.
  • Eric: We're not Germans.
  • Craig: We're from Lawndale.
  • Eric: Uh, actually, I'm from North Lawndale. See, last year, city council...
  • [Eric's cell phone rings]
  • Papa Nichols: What's that noise?! Where's it coming from?!
  • Eric: My shirt pocket.
  • [Papa Nichols takes it out]
  • Papa Nichols: What is this? Is it some kind of weapon? Are you two from the future?!
  • Eric: No, that's just my cell phone.
  • Papa Nichols: It's a trick. INCOMING!!!
  • [he throws it at the wall and breaks it]
  • Eric: [gasps] Oh no! He ruined my picture phone! It had all of our vacation photos on it.
  • Craig: From Niagara Falls? Aw, man.

  • Audrey: We're home.
  • Josh: Hey, guys.
  • Drake: Hey, how's it go?
  • Audrey: And yor're wearing my drapes, why?
  • Drake: Well, you know, it's kinda little chilly in here.
  • Audrey: And so to get warm, you thought it was a--
  • Josh: Dad, did you win the Weather Round Award?
  • Walter: No, Bruce Windchill won.
  • Megan: (gasps) Yay! Aw. Night, Mom. Night, Walter.
  • Walter: When did she start calling me--?
  • Audrey: I don't know. So how did everything go tonight with Papa Nichols?
  • Drake: Ahh, perfect.
  • Josh: Great. Yeah, he, uh, just slept all night long.
  • Drake: As we watched him.
  • Josh: Yep.
  • Walter: Well, I guess I should wake him up and take him to the guest room. Papa Nichols. Papa Nichols. Wake up. It's time to--
  • Papa Nichols: (wakes up and punches him) Ahh! Nice try, German. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

(Drake, Josh and Audrey can't believe how crazy he is)

Alien InvasionEdit

  • Drake: (Singing and playing a blues tune on his guitar to annoy Josh) Old, cranky Josh, he's gettin' so cranky, so very cranky, now he's breakin' things, write to the pencil repair man, he knows what to do...
  • Josh: DUDE! Would you stop with the improvisational blues tune?!
  • [Megan is scared that aliens might eat her face]
  • Josh: Megan, there's no such things as aliens.
  • Walter: And if there were, they wouldn't just eat your face; they'd eat all of you. [everyone stares at him] Well, why would they stop at the face?

Megan's New TeacherEdit

  • Megan: (To Josh) Everybody hates me because of you!
  • Drake: (Thinking Megan was talking to him) I wanted one piece of cake!
  • Girl: I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me.
  • Josh: And?
  • Girl: She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel.

(While breaking into school, Drake throws a rope out for Megan)

  • Drake: Okay, Megan, I'm in!
  • Megan: (Walking through the classroom door with a briefcase) Yep, me too.
  • Drake: How did you get in?
  • Megan: Through the front door. It's a school, Drake, not a bank.
  • Drake: Alright whatever you ready rob this joint
  • Megan: (Loading her gun) Oh yeah

(After Josh gets fired from his teaching job)

  • Megan: Strike three and you're out.

Season 4Edit

Josh Runs Into OprahEdit

  • Josh: This is my worst birthday ever!
  • Drake: Is it because you ran over Oprah?
  • Josh: No, because it's a little humid--YES, IT'S BECAUSE I RAN OVER OPRAH!

  • Drake: Look, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday...
  • Josh: Sorry doesn't sweeten my tea!
  • Drake: One more time?

  • [Josh comes home from the hospital in a hospital gown after being chemically bathed, then angrily walks over to Drake]
  • Drake: Hey Man.
  • Josh: HEY MAN?!
  • Drake: Hey. Man.
  • Josh: You left me at the hospital to be chemically bathed!
  • Drake: Oh yeah, how'd it go?
  • Josh: Oh actually it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
  • Drake: Kay, what up with the tude?
  • Josh: Do you know what it's like to have an involuntary chemical bath? It stings...EVERYWHERE!
  • Drake: Alright look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, ok?
  • Josh: No. Ok no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of Physical damage or Emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again.
  • Drake: Wait, do these sound okay to you? "[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the tapped up Bongos then leaves]" Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
  • Josh: NOT REALLY! (slams the door)

Vicious TiberiusEdit

Mrs. Hayfer: Drake! You were supposed to write your essay of current events.
Drake: That´s what I did.
Mrs. Hayfer: No, this is just today's newspaper with your name written on top... in crayon.
Drake: Well, I think there is nothing more current than that. Right, Josh?
Josh: Please, leave me out of this.
Mrs. Hayfer: You know what it means, Drake?
Drake: An "F"?
Mrs. Hayfer: That's a question you always get right! And Drake, guess what?
Drake: What?
Mrs. Hayfer: I hate you.
Drake: I know.

Drake: Did you see those teeth?
Josh: Do you see the stain?! What's this dog's problem?
Drake: Its problem is it wants to eat us, and we're in here.

[Tiberius barks]

Drake: Mrs. Hayfer asks you to watch her house, but doesn't mention her dog's homicidal.
Josh: It's not on the list!

Josh [After Drake imitates him in an Italian accent] Okay so when did I like become Italian?

Animal Control Guy: I've never seen a dog like this one, and I've seen anything this scary, and I fought in Nam!
Drake: Nam?
Animal Control Guy: You know, Vietnam.
Drake: Where's that? New Jersey?
Animal Control Guy: What's wrong with him?
Josh: We're not sure.

Animal Control Guy: I made a duck.

Josh: Why is it so much fun to watch cheerleaders fight?
Drake: Don't question it, just love it!

Drake: Do you wanna spend the rest of our Saturday night insulting me or do you wanna figure a way out of here?
Josh: I mean, you're the animal control guy. Why don't you get out there and control that beast?
Animal Control Guy: Nuh uh uh!!! I'm not going out there and let that monster chew my butt off. I'm gonna sit right here on this toilet. Thank you very much!

The WeddingEdit

[Drake is waiting for Josh]

Drake: Hey, Josh, would you get down here? We're gonna be late for the wedding. [Josh gets his tuxedo ready] JOSH!! [Josh bumps into a lamp and it falls off with the light bulb blinking and puts the lamp shade back on] Can we just go?
Josh: Why are you in such a hurry?
Drake: 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
Josh: Yeah, so do I.
Drake: Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
Josh: Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... [notices his laptop case gone] Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
Drake: Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
Josh: You... You what?
Drake: They told me you said it was cool.
Josh: Yeah, I said it was cool when they borrowed my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV. Now we have no car.
Drake: Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
Josh: No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
Drake: Why?
Josh: 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
Drake: Well, Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
Josh: We cannot be late to this wedding!
Drake: Right, okay, um... Trevor!
Josh: What about Trevor?
Drake: We'll borrow his car.
Josh: His girlfriend sleeps in it.
Drake: No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
Josh: I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
Drake: So is Aunt Catherine.
Josh: Drake, if we--
Drake: Look, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. The most important thing is it will get us there on time.

[Drake starts dialing the phone to call Trevor]


[Drake and Josh are in Trevor's car with Drake driving, until it breaks down. Drake turns the key, but no movement]

Drake: It won't start.
Josh: Oh, really? [he and Drake get out of the car, and it turns out they are in the middle of nowhere] Ahh, good news is we're right near of nothing!
Drake: Okay, how was I supposed to know Trevor's car would break down, huh?
Josh: It was built in the 1970s. It has over 300,000 miles on it. Anyone with a second grade education could have guessed it would die.
Drake: You are so mean to me sometimes.
Josh: Look, we can't be late to Aunt Catherine's wedding, alright? We promised Mom and Dad, [looks at his watch] and if we're not there in 48 minutes, there's no way we're gonna get that beach house.
Drake: Alright. We'll just call for help. Give me your cell phone.
Josh: My cell phone was in my bag which you gave to Craig and Eric! What, you don't have your cell phone?
Drake: No, mine got ruined.
Josh: How?
Drake: You know, fell in a bowl of soup at school.
Josh: Who accidentally drops their cell phone into their soup?
Drake: It wasn't an accident, I wanted to see if it would float.

Mindy Loves JoshEdit

Mindy: I love you.
Josh: [shocked] See you in chemistry. (Closes the door) DRAKE!!


In the boys' room:

Drake: Two for two.
Josh: [runs in] Drake!
Drake: [pulling back the sling] Not now. I'm busy.
Josh: Mindy just told me she loves me!
Drake: [shocked, accidentally releases his sling and hits Josh's eye] What?!
Josh: OH! [falls down to the ground]

Drake: Hurry!
Josh: [typing on the computer] Okay, we'll go to, uh, whatswrongwithmybody.com.
Drake: Whatswrongwithmybody.com?
Josh: I had it bookmarked. And we'll go to skin, disease, green, hands- [looks at Drake's hands] gross.

"Mindy": Dongs "Josh": Oh my gosh what do I say. "Drake": Oh yes. "Mindy": Dongs


Josh: Cypholic acid can be found in the urine in most lizards.
Drake: Okay, so I just got to stick my hands and feet in- [reads the computer again] lizard urine?

[Drake and Josh are talking about different girls who used them for schemes]
Drake: But then she got back together with her ex-boyfriend
Josh: By the end of 4th grade, she weighed over 200 pounds.
Drake: I kinda missed Allyson so, I started making out with her sister.
Josh: Now, Becky Hummus wears gigantic pants.

Who's Got GameEdit

Josh: I never pull out before I embarass myself.
Carly: Can I help you find a CD?
Drake: Seriously...
Carly: Huh? Seriously? I'm not familiar with that band. Why don't you check in the S section?

I Love SushiEdit

Drake and Josh: HAPPY ANNIVERS- [turn on the lights to reveal their living room as empty] -sery.
Walter: [After a pause] Drake...
Audrey: Josh!
Walter: Where's our stuff?
Josh: We've been robbed!
Drake: Surprise?

Megan: What happened!?
Walter: Drake and Josh let bad people steal our stuff.

Sergeant Doty: So let me see if I got this straight.
Josh: Sure.
Drake: Go ahead.
Sergeant Doty: You two supposedly won a home makeover from some TV show you never hear of.
Josh: That's right.
Drake: Yeah.
Sergeant Doty: And at their request you made sure that no-one was home today for six hours.
Josh: Right.
Drake: That's pretty much it.
Josh: So what do you guys think?
Sergeant Doty: I think you're idiots.

Police Officer: Isn't your dad the weatherman on Channel 7?
Josh: [Laughs] Yeah, that's him.
Police Officer: He said it wasn't gonna rain on my kid's birthday. But it DID rain!
Josh: Sorry.
Police Officer: Yeah, me too!

Josh: We have to replace Mom and Dad's furniture.
Drake: Dude, do you know how much it's gonna cost to replace a whole roomful of nice furniture?
Josh: A lot.
Drake: Well, good thing you have a job. I'm gonna grab some tacos, gimme twenty bucks.

The StormEdit

Craig: Can I please take a break?
Steve: YOU WILL TAKE A BREAK WHEN DORA FINDS HER WAY TO THAT BANANA TREE! COME ON, DORA, IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE! ABRE LOS OJOS! COME ON!!
Steve: COME ON, DORA! ANDALE! ANDALE! MAS RAPIDO! YOU CALL YOURSELF AN EXPLORA ?!!
Steve: COME ON, DORA! YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE MAP! DON'T ASK ME!!
Steve: COME ON, DORA! IT'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!
Craig: [Breaks the crank] It broke! The crank broke!
Gary: My Uncle's got a boat!
Drake: That's great Gary, so why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO ZOMBIE ISLAND!!!!!

My Dinner with BoboEdit

  • Drake: You better let us out or we're gonna call the cops!
  • Josh: Yeah, we have a cell phone in here!
  • Doctor: You have no cell phone.
  • Josh: Do too!
  • Doctor: Fine then play me a ringtone.
  • Josh: What?!?!
  • Doctor: Play me a ringtone.

(Josh plays a ringtone)

  • Drake: See? I told ya we got a cell phone!
  • Doctor: Does it have blue tooth?
  • Josh: What?!?!
  • Doctor: Your cell phone, does it have blue tooth?
  • Josh: Ya, dude it has blue tooth.
  • Doctor: Prove it.
  • Josh: Fine open the door!

(Doctor opens door, takes phone, and locks door again)


  • Josh: I've seen your adverts: "You need a car, you need a van? Come see Stan the car man!".

Tree HouseEdit

  • Megan: Hello?
  • Hot Girl: Hey, are Drake and Josh there?
  • Megan: Nope, sorry.
  • Hot Girl: Well, they were supposed to meet my sister and I here 45 minutes ago.
  • Megan: Well, I'm sure if they cared about you at all, they'd be there.
  • Hot Girls: Huh?
  • Megan: Um, actually, Drake and Josh moved to Canada.
  • Hot Girls: Canada?
  • Megan: But they felt bad about missing your date, so they're sending another couple of guys over to meet you.
  • Hot Girls: Okay

Steered StraightEdit

Josh: Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room [nightclub]. You have to be over 21.
Drake: You are, Mr... [pulls out fake ID] Yakitori!
Josh: [takes fake ID and looks at it] What's this?
Drake: Fake ID, here check mine out. [pulls out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]
Josh: [reads the name on Drake's fake ID] Jefferson Steelflex?
Drake: [laughs] Yeah, made it up.
Josh: [sarcastically] Oh REALLY!
Josh: So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... [reads the names on the IDs again] Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
Drake: [laughs] Yep. And hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
Josh: It's illegal to use fake IDs!
Drake: Yeah well its illegal to rob banks but people do it!
Josh: Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

[After Audrey and Walter read the names on Drake and Josh's fake IDs]
Audrey: Jefferson Steelflex?
Walter: Alvin Yakitori?
Drake: They could be names.
Josh: Yeah, on planet Crazy-tron!

Walter: You know I can almost understand you doing something this stupid [to Drake], but you? [to Josh]
Josh: [Miserable] He tempted me with churros!
Audrey: That's your excuse? A fried Mexican pastry?
Josh: Have you ever tasted one?

Blaze: So who are you guys?
Drake: Uh, I'm uh... Jefferson Steelflex.
Josh: Alvin Yakitori. And you are?
Blaze: Blaze.
Josh: [laughs] Why they call you Blaze?
Blaze: BE QUIET!
Josh: I see.

(Drake and Josh, in disguise as Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori, pretend to have an argument in front of Blaze and his crew. Drake then begins hurting Josh with a banana.)
Blaze: Hey Don't beat that boy with a banana!
[Drake then pulls up Josh, whose face is smothered with fake blood, the criminals groan in disgust]
Drake: How are ya going grab the governor with just (yanks a fake hand off of Josh's real hand) One hand? (The Criminals yell in fear and disgust as Drake bites a finger off the hand)
Criminal 1: He yanked his hand right off!
Criminal 2: And ate his finger!
Criminal 3: That dude is Pyscho!
Blaze: Oh I'm gettin out of this place!!!

(Blaze and his crew rush out of the house in fear as Drake and Josh follow them yelling loudly at them.)

HelicopterEdit

  • Drake: You know, Josh should learn to be more like me.
  • Josh: Drake would be so much better off, if he would start acting like me.
  • Drake: When Mom or Walter tells him no...he listens.
  • Josh: When a parent tells you no, they expect you to listen!

  • Vince: (giving a lesson on skydiving) First you're gonna squat. Then your gonna pray, than leap, ahhhh...
  • Drake: Ahhhh?
  • Vince: That's what you're gonna yell on the way down.
  • Drake: Ahh.
  • Vince: Ahhhh!
  • Drake: Ahhhh!
  • Vince: Then, touchdown.
  • Drake: Touchdown.
  • Vince: Yes, that's S, P, L, A, T.
  • Drake: That spells splat...

  • Drake: It's the fuel gauge! We're on E.
  • Josh: Well, maybe E means extra fuel! TELL ME E MEANS EXTRA FUEL!
  • Drake: Dude, E means empty; we're out of fuel!
  • Josh: AUUGGGHHH! (gets in praying position) Dear Savior, I am sorry about the time I was five years old and stole that piece of bubblegum. I am sorry about the time I watched that pretty lady's laundry spin in the dryer at the laundromat. I'm sorry--
  • Drake: Will you stop that? We're gonna get out of this!
  • Josh: HEY NOW, HEY NOW. DON'T DREAM IT'S OVER!

  • Megan: Mom, Walter, you're home, how nice.
  • Audrey: Hi, baby.
  • Walter: Hey, Megan. So how's the water park?
  • Drake: Oh, you know, fun, wet.
  • Josh: I had a churro.

(doorbell rings)

  • Drake: I'll get it!
  • Josh: I call knob.

(They open the door to find Vince standing there)

  • Vince: You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
  • Drake & Josh: Wha- shh! Not in front of our parents.
  • Audrey: Who is it?
  • Drake & Josh: Uh.. some crazy guy

(Josh whistles)

  • Walter: I'll handle this, how can I help you?
  • Vince: Are you their father?
  • Walter: Yes. (gives Walter a bill) What this?
  • Vince: A BILL, that's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
  • Walter: What...? (Looks at the bill) $400,000!?!?
  • Drake: Boys, you're both grounded.
  • Josh: But dad.
  • Drake: Grounded two weeks.
  • Josh: But it wasn't our fault.
  • Drake: Upstairs.
  • Josh: Yes, sir.
  • Drake: Night.
  • Josh: Night.

QuotesEdit

Josh: You're the best, you know that?
Drake: Well...yes.

Josh: [waiting for surgery] Oh, they're going to carve me up like a Christmas ham!

Megan: [referring to Josh] Such a small brain in such a big head.

Drake: You hear that? It's saying, [holds 2 $100 bills like a hand puppet] "Spend me, Josh. Won't you spend me?"
Josh: [steals it from him] Money's not a puppet!

Drake: Hey Josh, come here.
Josh: [walks over] Yeah?
Drake: Check out this family picture.
Josh: What about it?
Drake: I look good.

Botanist: I've got a big date tonight.
Megan: Dinner with your moma?
Botanist: ...Yes.

Helen: Drake Parker, I love you like the son I never wanted.

Josh: I needed to ask Drake about our homework.
Drake: I don't do homework.

Sammy: You can help me with my homework.
Drake: Yeah, I don't even do my own homework!

[Drake and Josh find monitors in Megan's room]
Drake: I wonder what this button does. [presses a button; Josh gets shocked by a buzzer hidden in his trousers]
Josh: So THAT'S why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty.

Megan: See? It's fun to use your brain.

Josh: Have you ever been in Megan's room before?
Drake: Once, when she was five.
Josh: And?
Drake: She pushed me out the window and told Moma I fell.

Josh: [takes the phone from Megan and shoves it down his pants] Now, you may have the phone back after we're done talking to you.
Megan: I wouldn't want that phone back if I were dying on the kitchen floor.

Helen: Josh! Why aren't you working?!
Josh: It's my day off.
Helen: Oh, and so you think that's an excuse not to be working?!
Drake: Hi, Helen.
Helen: WHAT IS IT?!

Josh: You know I have a spastic tongue.
Drake: How many spastic parts can one person have?
Josh: Seven.

Josh: Look, we had $200, alright? ...Which you promptly threw away on bubblegum, a wristwatch, a telescope, and a Mexican robot!
Drake: Aw, come on, man, this is cool! [presses a button]
Robot: Me llamo Roberto Roboto.
Josh: Okay, that is pretty cool.
Robot: Gracias.

Drake: Josh, I'm in serious trouble!
Josh: Whose girlfriend did you hit on now?

Drake: You're kind of a girl, right?
Mindy: Well, if not I've been buying the wrong underwear.

Josh: I'm not much of an actor.
Jeff: Neither is Jennifer Lopez.
Josh: True that.

Drake: What's acting? You show up, you say some stuff, you go home.

[Drake and Josh are frantically searching for Megan, thinking she's up to something]
Drake: See her anywhere?
Josh: No, but that's when she's most dangerous!

Helen: [to Josh] You have upset me in ways I can't even understand, boy!!

Mindy: You can't end a relationship with a phone call.
Drake: Duh, I'm gonna text message her.

Mindy:(Refering to Tori) You got jealous when you saw her with other guys, so to make her jealous, you...
Drake: Put a stinkbomb in her backpack!!!
Mindy: Do I have to spell this out for you?
Drake: Would you?
Mindy: YOU NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO MAKE HER JEALOUS!
Drake: Right. Then, where do I put the bomb?
Mindy: I'll tell you where to put it!
Josh: Mindy!

Megan: I'm studing astronomy.
Drake: Ah. The study of stars and planets.
Josh: [sarcastically] Yes. It's exciting to know things!

Drake: I wonder what ketchup would taste like on a foot.

Drake: [carrying a skeleton] Where do you want the dead dude?

Josh: [seeing Drake kissing a girl] Drake?
Drake: Yeah?
Josh: You just met her and you're already kissing?
Drake: I gave her a soda.

Megan: So when are the lobsters gonna be done?
Drake: Yeah, I'm bloody starving.
Josh: I do not control the speed at which lobsters die!

Megan: Listen to me. If either of you get on one of my nerves this weekend, you'll both wake up tomorrow very confused...in Cuba.

Megan: Wanna help me with something?
Drake: I can't, I'm doing my homework.
Megan: You're watching Big Bang Theory.
Drake: Oh, well that explains why I'm failing math, doesn't it?

Josh: [referring to Drake] He pees...near the toilet!

Josh: [on Helicopter] What kind of help are you going to bring back- a dive team to locate my corpse?

Josh:(to Drake)why are you wearing that parishute Drake:to re-tard my fall Drake:(on helicopter)dont call mom and dad i'll be grounded Josh:dude if we don't get help ,we are going to become part of the ground

Drake: I'm not going to risk getting grounded again. Do you know what it's like going two weeks without girls?
Josh: [shakily] ...Yes...Yes I do.
Drake: ...Oh, that's right. Sorry. But I'm not used to it.

[Megan asks Drake to help with aiming a paintball gun disguised as a radio that she supposedly was going to use on Josh. Drake stands right where Megan asks him to, but gets a whole clip of paintballs to the chest. Josh walks in.]

Josh: What just happened?
Drake: You said you were gonna get Josh!
Josh: Heh?

Drake & Josh Go HollywoodEdit

Josh: Can I ask your opinion on something serious?
Megan: Is this about your rash?
Josh: No!


Audrey: [on why she won't go on a cruise] Boats sink.
Walter: It's not a boat, it's a ship. And ships don't sink.
Audrey: Tiiiiiiiiiiitanic.
Walter: That was just a movie.
Audrey: Based on a true story!
Walter: ...For real?

Josh: Where have you been?
Drake: I told you, I went to go get a corn dog.
Josh: It took you over an hour just to get one corn dog?!
Drake: I also had a drink.

Megan: Do you ever clean this car? It's full of trash.
Drake: Hey, everything in this car is very important to me!
Megan: [holding up a dead bird] Like this dead bird?
Drake: Aw, Tweeter died!

[after airport security had detained Drake and Josh]
Head of Security: I hope you boys learned a very important lesson on how seriously we take airport security.
Drake: Oh, we learned... Especially during that strip search.
Josh: ...Which was shockingly thorough.
Head of Security: We do our best. Have a nice day. [to Josh] And good luck with that rash.
Josh: [angrily] Yeah, thanks.

Megan: Excuse me? I think the pilot made a mistake. This plane is going to Denver, right?
Attendant: No, we're in route to Los Angeles.
Megan: Los Angeles?
Attendant: Yes.
Megan: ...Not Denver?
Attendant: No.
Megan: ...Those dumb boobs.
[The flight attendant looks down her shirt in confusion]

Drake: Okay, let's go and get Megan!
Josh: Okay, but first...
Drake: What?
Josh: I gotta pee really bad.
Drake: Well, can't you hold it?
Josh: Yeah, I... [strained] No!

Josh: I can't believe that we're in Los Angeles driving a stolen car!
Drake: It's not stolen.
Josh: STOLEN!!!!
Drake: We borrowed it. Which is a perfectly reitable choice when you're trying to avoid being attacked by two maniacs.

Merry Christmas, Drake & JoshEdit

Judge: But! I have a but(butt)!
Drake: (Chuckle)He said he had a butt.
Josh: Shut up.
Steve: The cow goes moo! I was trapped in a refrigerator! I take special vitamins!
Little Boy: When is Santa going to be here?
Steve: Well, I don't know, but I'll bet you old Saint Nick's going to be here real soon.
Woman: Excuse me, I distinctly ordered a diet root beer, and this tastes like sh-
Steve: I AM TALKING TO CHILDREN!!!!
Steve: HEY! WHAT'S UP, D AND J? GETTING READY FOR THE PARADE?
Drake: Yeah, positively.
Steve: OKAY, WELL I'M JUST REMINDING YOU GUYS THAT YOU NEED TO GIVE THESE KIDS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER IF YOU WANNA STAY OUT OF JAIL!
(last scene of the series)
Drake: So?
Josh: So?
Drake: Yes or no? Is this the best Christmas you ever had?
Josh: It will be, after THIS! (throws snow at Drake)
Drake: I'm gonna get you, Nichols!
Josh: Bring it, Parker! (the two chase each other around)

CastEdit

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