Well, it was very nice to meet you, God
. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck
with the Apocalypse
. Oh, and by the way, you suck!
You want to see a miracle
, son? Be the miracle.
Bruce Almighty is a 2003 film about a man who, after complaining that God is unfair, is given God's powers.
He's got the power. (taglines)
- Directed by Tom Shadyac. Written by Steve Koren, Mark O'Keefe, and Steve Oedekerk.
- Fine! The gloves are off pal! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!!!
- [breaks down upon seeing Grace pray so hard] You win. I'm done. Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be God! I want You to decide what's right for me! I SURRENDER TO YOUR WILL!
- Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce, it's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education, that's a miracle. People want Me to do everything for them, but what they don't realize is, they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.
- People underestimate the benefits of good old manual labor. Just think a minute. Some of the happiest people in the world, go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.
- [Evan Baxter's live announcement of his appointment as anchor has rankled Bruce]
- Bruce: Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk.
- Grace: Come on! What are you DOING?!
- Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
- Bill (Ferry Owner): Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want...
- Bruce: Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me? ERODING, EEEERODING, EEEEEERODDDING.
- Jack: Cut the feed. Go to black.
- Technician: I'm on it.
- Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, FUCKERS! [flips off bird]
- Jack: Oh boy.
- Grace: Oh, my God.
- Bruce: ...So how do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?
- God: Welcome to My world, son. You come up with the answer for that, and we'll talk.
- God: This last entry was a little disturbing; "The gloves are off, God." "God has taken my bird and my bush." "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass." "Smite me, O mighty smiter!" Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.
- Bruce: [shocked] Are you spying on me?! Who are you?
- God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega.
- Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going...
- God: Bruce, I'm God.
- Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck! Anyone with a brain stem can see that that cheesy file cabinet illusion is being fed from the wall on the other side.
- God: [approaching Bruce] You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it.
- Bruce: Wait! Really, I'm warning you. When I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal!
- God: You haven't won a fight since the fifth grade, and that was against a girl.
- Bruce: Yeah, but she was huge.
- God: And the sun was in your eyes.
- [Bruce is parting his tomato soup like the Red Sea]
- God: Having fun?
- Bruce: [startled] Ahhh! Thy... Thou...
- God: Come, take a closer walk with me.
- God: Okay, let me explain the rules.
- Bruce: Rules?
- God: Yeah, you left in such a rush, I didn't get a chance to explain.
- Bruce: Well the "two extra fingers" thing freaked me out a little bit.
- God: [laughs] I figured that would get your attention. I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks. Now, here's the deal. You have all my power, use it any way you choose. There are only two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God; believe me, you don't want that kind of attention. And you can't mess with free will.
- Bruce: Can I ask why?
- God: [smiling] Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!
- Bruce: Where are you going?
- God: I'm taking a vacation.
- Bruce: God doesn't take vacations! Does he? ... Do... ye?
- God: Ever heard of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered! You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?
- Lead Thug: I'll tell you what. When a monkey comes out of my butt, you'll get your "sorry". How about that?
- Bruce: What a coincidence! Because that's... today.
- [A monkey comes out of the Lead Thug's butt]
- Thug #1: Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?!
- Thug #2: Es el Diablo!
- Thug #3: This is some voodoo shit, man! Vamanos!
- Bruce: Are you guys leavin'? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! [Breathes hornets at them, and is then joined by the monkey] Hey there, little anal-dwelling butt monkey! Time for you to go home, little buddy. [The monkey re-enters the Lead Thug's butt]
- Evan: In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France.
- Director: What did he just say? Check the prompter.
- Technician: The prompter's fine.
- Director: Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it.
- Evan: [as Bruce manipulates the teleprompter] The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I "lika"... do... da cha-cha. I'm sorry, we seem to be having some "technical" difficulties...
- Bruce: [trying to pray] Lord, feed the hungry and bring peace to all mankind. [to God] How was that?
- God: Great!... If you wanna be Miss America. Now c'mon, son - what do you really care about?
- Bruce: [starting to break down] Grace.
Homeless Man SignsEdit
- Bruce: (with his own sign) WHATEVER HE SAID →
- If you could be God for one week, what would you do?
- The guy next door just became the man upstairs.