Blue Heelers

Blue Heelers is an Australian police drama which is produced by Southern Star for the Seven Network. It was created by Hal McElroy and Tony Morphett and originally aired in Australia from 1994 - 2006.

Season 1 (1994)

A Woman's Place [1.01]

Maggie: I want to be a very good cop and sometimes I push a bit too hard.

---

PJ: I'll, uh, take this one Nick.

Nick: Just make sure she's not married this time, mate.

---

Roz: I know the face. I tore it up once.

---

PJ: If you want respect, then show me you can get a girl without going the knuckle on her.

---

Chris: Whose your dad going to kill and why the hell should I stop him?

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Maggie: Where I come from, uniforms don't mix much with plain clothes.

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Tom: I won't call you girlie, if you don't call me Sergeant. My men...people call me boss.

---

Tom: You shot Doherty's dog?

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Tom: Holes in the four-wheel drive?

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Nick: Your report's going to look like a telephone book.

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Man: Bloody Blue Heelers.

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Wayne: Maggie bloody Doyle!

---

Maggie: I just had this conversation with your wife!

Wayne: Which conversation?

Maggie: This conversation!

---

Maggie: This is a real fun town, this.

PJ: Yes, it is! So, cheers!

Chris: OUT!!!, I told you you’re barred

Doing It Tough [1.02]

Wayne: Til death do us part does not refer to someone else's death! Besides, they say you get used to it...No you don't. Not to that you don't.

---

Tom: You saying I'm racist as well as sexist now, Constable Doyle?

Why Give People Rights? They Only Abuse Them [1.03]

Wayne: Times are changing, Boss.

Tom: Not in this station.

Wives [1.04]

Roz: You're a bastard.

PJ: An attractive bastard.

Roz: A conceited bastard.

Waiting For Apples [1.05]

PJ: Search warrants are for searching, we're tidying up.

Apprehended Violence [1.06]

Roz: Bloody Blue Heelers.

---

Nick: You want your licence back and I want my wife and kid back.

Life After Death [1.07]

Maggie: Break in, don't do any damage.

---

Wayne: Take a good look around, but don't touch anything? Is that the same thing as break in, but don't do any damage?

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Maggie: How do you go to England without a passport?

Wayne: With much difficulty.

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PJ: Hope that's not my ruler?

Nick: Don't get your knickers in a knot. It's Maggie's.

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Maggie: A couple of hours with PJ can do alot of damage.

Domino Effect [1.08]

Roz: Police don't marry police! Is that written up somewhere?

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Maggie: It's a cruel world, PJ, when crime interferes with our work.

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Nick: You've been a D too long, PJ.

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PJ: Goes to show you, a man who never drinks leads a clean life.

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PJ: Let's see how long Larry lasts, sweetheart, when you're not there with your hand up his back making his mouth work.

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Tom: You know Wayne...he'd actually stop to help them!

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PJ: Spouse, Maggie. Your best chance of being killed is by your spouse, family member or someone you know.

Diary Entry [1.09]

PJ: Ah, one of the three great answers...1-it's not mine, 2-never seen it before, 3-I was minding it for someone.

---

Mrs Stewart: So this is why I pay taxes...for teaparties?

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Heelers: (singing) Why was he born so beautiful, why was he born at all? He's no bloody use to anyone, no bloody use at all!

Meat Is Hung, Men Are Hanged [1.17]

Roz: He should have been hung.

Nick: Do yourself a favour Roz, Hanged. Meat is hung, men are hanged.

Conduct Unbecoming [1.18]

Chris: Conduct unbecoming is a two way street. Checkmate.

Good Cop, Bad Cop [1.19]

Tom: Stick to policing.

---

Tom: Rejoice Mrs Patterson!

The Final Season [1.20]

Roz: What's wrong with him? I thought you won.

Tom: We did, but PJ managed to get a bet on against us. Oh ye of little faith!

Payback [1.21]

Roz: Why should women have to modify their behaviour because men can't control their's?

---

Maggie: From the description I thought it sounded just like you, PJ.

The Men In Her Life [1.23]

Roz: Listen Maggie, we've got a spare room.
PJ: Yeah, or we could shovel ours out for you Mag.
Maggie: Thanks guys but....
PJ: No really, I'll make sure Nick doesn't sleep walk
Maggie: It's not Nick I'd be worried about


[Pat Doyle and Chris talking about Maggie]

Pat:The kid was in her class at school, they were both only 8 years old we'll she's dragged him into the station under citizen's arrest, couldn't understand why I wouldn't lock him up.

[Both Laugh]
[Maggie walks in]

Maggie:G'day you two
Chris: Hi I've just been hearing all about you
Maggie: Insisting on being Josephine in the activities play
Chris: Uh - Uh

[Shakes her head]

Maggie: Well then it must have been the citizens arrest when i was eight
Chris: Got it in two
Maggie: Jimmy Dockerdy, he squirted one of the nuns with a bubbler, your going back to Melbourne before you start showing baby photos i hope
Chris: Already seen them
Maggie: Ohhhh Dad..... you didn't

Day In Court [1.26]

Maggie: Hey Wayne, can you tell me whether I've spelt this name correctly?

Wayne: Sure.

Maggie: Or is it with an I?

Wayne: Thanks bigmouth.

---

Chris: Maybe you've been a cop so long, PJ, you wouldn't know the truth if you fell over it.

Crazy Like A Fox [1.32]

Wayne: Authority? It was a search warrant.

Maggie: She's a nice old lady, I didn't want to embarrass her.

Wayne: Nice old...She's a fence!

Maggie: Okay, so she's a nice old fence!

Old Dog, New Tricks [1.33]

Maggie: Roz, where are you when we need you.

---

Wayne: (Holds up his police badge). Never leave home without it.

---

PJ: Yep, well, I want to die in bed.

Nick: Yeah, but whose?

PJ: Mine. With a loving wife beside me.

Nick: Yeah, but whose?

Season 2 (1995)

Paranoia, Part 1 [2.22]

Maggie: Dumped me? You never dumped me! God, you're up yourself.

Wayne: It was me that stopped calling you, remember?

Maggie: Yeah, I remember. I also remember that it was the best day of my life.

Paranoia, Part 2 [2.23]

Nick: Well, I'll see you later then, shall I? I'll tell you what, Constable Schizoid. If you get lonely out here, you can always have a chat with those little voices inside your head.

The Last Straw [2.27]

Maggie: If you're gonna faint let me know.

PJ: Yeah, You'll catch me

Maggie: I'll move out of the way.

Swings And Roundabouts [2.29]

Maggie: What's that about?

Nick: I only work here. Might've found something on that nurse. Where are you going?

Maggie: I got something to do.

Nick: Oh yeah, well I only work here. The only one who bloody does.

Double Jeopardy, Part 2 [2.31]

PJ: Come to me my little shortcake, my little cream puff, my little piece of mmmm...

Maggie: Kiss me again and I'll kill you.

PJ: Hey, I love, I love a woman with passion!

---

Maggie: Well, what do you suggest I do with it? Stick it between my teeth? Plus, no one is going to check down there.

PJ: Oh well, let's just hope the safety catch is on, because Mamma Hasham is gonna want to have grandkiddies.

---

PJ: So, what do you want, a handshake? We're supposed to be hot lovers, will you kiss me?

Maggie: No.

PJ: NO?! I bet Tess doesn't play hard to get!

---

[Maggie pauses, then grabs PJ and kisses him.]

PJ: What, what are you doing?

Maggie: Well, I'm just getting into character.

A Question Of Loyalties [2.36]

Monica (to Tom about PJ): If he didn't know something was going on, then he must be very naive or very stupid, and as you pointed out, PJ is neither.

Brotherly Love, Part 1 [2.40]

Maggie: Why does every Christmas turn every driver into testosterone on wheels?

PJ: Yeah, and that's only the women.

Maggie: Oh, ha, ha.

Brotherly Love, Part 2 [2.41]

Maggie: Have you talked to Gina yet?

Adam: What about?

Maggie (sarcastically): Oh, Carols by Candlelight, Adam, what do you think?

---

PJ: Well, it's always been sort of one of my fantasies to get in there and sort of rescue you.

Maggie: Really?

PJ: Yeah.

---

Monica: So, have you decided on a name for the dog yet, Clancy?

Clancy: Yeah, Monica...and she's a bitch!

Season 3 (1996)

Once Only Withdrawal, Part 1 [3.01]

Tom: Tell me you didn't do that! There are people's lives at risk out there, and you're swallowing drawing pins!

---

Tom (to Nick): Were you standing next to a burning marijuana plant?

---

Tom (to Nick): What's it like out there?

Nick (to Tom): It's like a bunch of headless chooks having a fun run.

Once Only Withdrawal, Part 2 [3.02]

Matt: Power grows out of the barrel of a gun.

The Spiderman [3.04]

PJ: Ah, I was dreaming about you, Doyle.

Maggie: I should've known to leave a sleeping detective well alone.

---

Maggie: PJ, I'm not the one you have to convince.

PJ: Yes, you are. You're the only one that matters.

---

Maggie: I've thought about this, and it wouldn't work.

PJ: I don't believe that.

Maggie: Yeah, you do...can we please keep this professional for both our sakes?

Day Of Reckoning [3.05]

PJ: Yeah, I thought with you prosecuting, Mags...he'd get life!

Sex And Death [3.06]

PJ: Next thing you're going to tell us that you've been bonking in the cells.

Adam's girlfriend: Oh no...we used your office.

[Maggie laughs in the background, until PJ turns around and she quickly stops.]

Not In My Backyard [3.07]

Nick: It's nice to know we've got law abiding drivers today.

Wayne: Yeah, either that or some helpful citizen's put a sign up down the road.

Dog Days [3.09]

Adam: Ah, sounds like a job for the granny squad, Boss.

Tom: That's not funny, Cooper.

Unfinished Business [3.11]

Roz: It was always police force first, me second.

---

Maggie: Wayne...he put his arms around me and he took me to bed. But no, it wasn't like that. He was very warm and loving and so incredibly gentle. I fell for him in such a big way.

---

Tom: Well, whatever else Wayne had going for him, he certainly had a fine bunch of workmates. Proud of you.

---

Roz: I loved Wayne.

Nick: Sure you did, that's why you shot through on him isn't it?

Roz: It wasn't like that Nick. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be told your husband's been shot? To nurse him back to health only to see him strap on that bloody gun again, do you?

Nick: Do you have any idea what it feels like to put the gun on and do the job? No, you've got no idea. You've got no idea because you shot through on him. He came back to us because he knew we'd back him up.Do you know what it's like for me, to hear from someone like you, that I can't go to my mates funeral?

Happy Families [3.12]

Adam: Shut up and blow!

---

PJ: What is it today, Friday the 13th?

---

PJ: Cooper, I love you.

---

Heelers (singing): Why was she born so beautiful, why was she born at all? Because she had no say in it, no say in it at all.

A Fair Crack Of The Whip, Part 1 [3.14]

Tom (to Digger): Did you bark? If you didn't bark, you're going to the pound!

---

Nick (about Anna): It's 350 degrees in the shade, she's four hundred years pregnant, we're gonna give her a lift.

---

PJ: Well, women's bodies are not my expertise.

Adam: Oh, that's not what I've heard!

Fight Dirty [3.17]

---

Jack: They expect us to fight against filth but they won't let us fight dirty.

The Kremin Factor [3.21]

Tom: No, PJ, why don't you take all the credit?

Maggie: Or, how about, "Big head finally cracks it"?

---

Maggie: Yeah, that's a good idea, Adam. What's she like?

Adam: She's got amazing eyes.

---

Maggie: I'm Maggie Doyle.

Dash: Dash McKinley.

Maggie: Nice to meet you. You know, Adam's right. You do have very lovely eyes.

---

Maggie: Hey, oh listen - just a word of warning. We, ah, don't mention the Boss' weight.

Nick: Or his age.

Dash: You mean I've got to make special allowances because my Sergeant's a fat guy with a complex about his age...why doesn't someone tell him to go on a diet or something? He can use my bike if he wants to get some exercise. And if he's still a Sergeant at his age, then that is his problem.

---

Dash: Listen...I really don't think I can handle calling you Boss. And Sergeant Croydon sounds like you're up yourself...so I thought I'd just stick to calling you Tom. Night, Tom.

Tom: Goodnight, Deidre. There are no secrets in the Victoria Police.

Mind Games [3.24]

Maggie: PJ, the only stress in your life is choosing what topping you're going to put on your pizza.

PJ: Now, that's important.

Bewitched [3.29]

Maggie (to PJ): Sex may dominate your life, but it doesn't dominate mine. Now stay out of my way and stay out of my life!

Something For Nothing [3.32]

Adam: Dash, you're an absolute idiot.

---

Tom: Leaving aside, McKinley, the stupidity of thinking you can get rich quick on the pokies, I am far from happy that one of my colleagues has got herself involved in a business deal with a complainant.

---

Adam: Well, it would have been okay if she didn't gamble it all away.

Tom: Well, that is totally obvious.

---

Tom: Stupid kids!

Winner Takes All [3.33]

Tom (to Johnny): I was suffering from the delusion that you might have enough sense to keep your pants on while you're on a case.

---

Nick: Been having a roll in the hay? Half your luck.

---

Tom: Cooper, you can go with Johnny...unless you have an urgent chore like cleaning the toilets.

I Spy [3.34]

PJ: So, what's your favourite story?

Kanga: Jack and the Beanstalk.

Maggie: Mother wants son to sell the family cow, he exchanges it for beans, he climbs a beanstalk, he tackles a giant.

PJ: Mate, um, yeah, there's this boy, right? And his name is Jack. Well, his mum wants him to get rid of this cow. She tells him to take the cow to this market. And when he goes to the market, he comes back, and he finds, he finds out that he's got beans in the bag! He's got plenty of beans, he's been conned!

Kanga: What's conned?

PJ: Well, it means that the beans are in the bag instead of the money. Now, anyway, Jack's got this girlfriend, this very, very pretty - well, pretty skinny girl, called Olive Oil. And, ah, Olive Oil is, well, she's got this big grumpy man called Brutus and he's a big giant.

Kanga: That's not the story!

PJ: Yeah, yeah, this is the story. That's the story I know. And now this Jack, you know, he's always, ah, eating this spinach because he's a friend of Popeye's. And, ah, and when he eats this spinach, he drops it down, really really big, swallows it down and after he does, he gets all this, he gets all this super human strength!

---

Maggie: Don't even think about it!

In The Gun, Part 1 [3.36]

Tom: Oh, right. When Constables start reading your mind, I think it's time to quit!

---

PJ: Oh, nag, nag, nag...you're worse than my mother!

---

PJ: We wouldn't want to do anything we both regret...would we?

Buck Naked [3.38]

Dash: Do you ever learn how to knock?

Nick: No need to. I'm six foot four, 16 stone, and I'm a policeman.

Friendly Fire [3.39]

Adam: I wouldn't trust him to guide me through an adventure playground.

---

PJ: Interviewing lawyers, it's like arm wrestling a sack full of eels.

Half A Second [3.40]

Maggie: I didn't want to think about what it would be like around here without you...I didn't want to lose you.

Season 4 (1997)

Under Siege [4.02]

PJ: We missed a lot of opportunities, hey, Mags. I've been a bit of an idiot. I could never tell you. It's probably my fault. Sorry. I love you, Mags.

Working Lunch [4.03]

Nick: That could be half the male population...that could be PJ!

Dash: Nup, he had more hair.

Nick: As in longer or thicker?

Dash: Just more.

---

Tom: PJ, you need to take a few breaths.

PJ: What?

Tom: Go back into your office and close the door. Flop forward like this...collapsing your diaphragm, force the air out of your lungs, slowly...slowly straighten up, letting it all flow back in. Do that 3 times and I think you might get things back into perspective.

PJ: Right...

Tom: Do it! Close the door!

PJ (to Nick): I don't think he should be back on the job.

Reports Of Damage And Loss [4.05]

Maggie: Where do you think you're going with all your bits hanging out like that!

Nick: Oh, sorry, Margaret. Early Christmas present.

Charity Begins At Home [4.09]

Nick: So are you doing Leon for anything?

PJ: Yeah, failure to own a brain.

Gold [4.12]

Maggie: Oh, no problem at all. I'll just curl up in the foetal position and forget that I've been buried alive, shall I?

PJ: Well, at least you've got good company!

---

Maggie: Relationships and police work, they just don't mix. You know, someone should really write that in the rule book, I think.

---

PJ: There is one person I know, who comes pretty close. Um...I guess if I lose her, I lose her for good.

---

Maggie: Well, maybe she never knew what a big chance you were prepared to take on her?

---

PJ: You know, I always wanted maybe six kids.

Maggie: Six? That's a basketball team plus a reserve PJ.

---

Maggie: Have you ever changed a nappy?

PJ: No, you're right. I think one is plenty.

Random Breath [4.17]

Nick: Yeah, he's going to become a Daddy, young Cooper.

Guest star: Yeah, first one?

Nick: Well, that he'll admit to.

No Means No [4.20]

Nick: Maggie Doyle, you poor thing, you don't have to follow me around just 'cause you're pregnant.

Maggie: Nick...

Nick: And dear, if it's twins, we'll sell the ute and buy a combie!

Every Contact Leaves Its Trace [4.26]

Nick: There's a nice pay check for Margaret...who have you been sleeping with?

Playing Games [4.27]

PJ: Who's playing the hubby?

Maggie: You volunteering?

---

PJ: Are you 100% sure of the decision you made?

Maggie: Only fools are 100% sure of anything. Cheers!

Our Patch [4.34]

Nick: I mean, I don't know Margaret...what is our little backwater coming to? I don't know, maybe it's time we...got married and moved elsewhere?

Settlement Postponed [4.39]

Maggie: Sandra, hi, it's Maggie. Thankyou so much for doing that for me so quickly. Ah...yeah, I'll put him back on for you. Oh, I should tell you that his wife is expecting their fifth...Yeah, two sets of twins. They're gorgeous kids. Well, most of the good ones are taken. I'll put him back on. Oh, okay...bye bye.

PJ: I wasn't coming onto her, she was coming onto me.

Maggie: I know.

---

Compo: What is the point of paying taxes if you won't arrest me?

Nick: Compo, you don't even pay taxes, so shut up!

Possession [4.42]

PJ: Do you want me to go?

Maggie: No, I don't. I love you. I love you so much.

---

Tom: Well, with respect, PJ, when I hear you two shouting accusations at each other so loudly that they can almost be heard by passers by on the street, I don't know whether either of you are capable of investigating this at all!

---

Tom: It's just a card, you know, for Christmas.

Adam: Oh well, Boss, you can always use it next year, can't you?

Tom: Thankyou for sharing that, Cooper.

Season 5 (1998)

Secrets, Part 2 [5.02]

Nick: You want justice? Don't kidnap other people's children.

A Piece Of Cake [5.05]

Tony: What's the first thing you think of when you see a dead body?

Nick: I'm glad it's not me.

---

Nick: Pull your neck in, Merv, or you could be receiving a summons for willful damage to a football.

---

Nick: The police don't go away on holidays, Tony. We work 24 hours a day, 365 days a year protecting the Mt. Thomas community.

Keeping Mum [5.06]

Maggie: Well, that's better than sending her off to Timbuktu when she'd actually prefer the Persian carpet.

---

Maggie: You're paranoid.

PJ: Oh come on, what's paranoid? She hates me, I mean she just hates me...she's always hated me.

Maggie: I rest my case.

Letting Go [5.07]

PJ: You know what, Doyle? You're a sticky beak!

King Of Hearts [5.09]

Adam: Nick horse riding? You've got to be kidding. His feet will drag on the ground.

When Love's Not Enough [5.10]

Dash: How'd you get promoted?

Nick: I'm a good copper. I work hard...and most importantly, McKinley...I slept with the Boss.

---

PJ: What, your ears? I love your ears.

Maggie: Do you?

PJ: I love them.

---

Maggie: Oh, and your eyes. I would just love it if she had your eyes.

She Killed Santa [5.12]

Nick: He's an old courtroom charmer, isn't he? I think it's because he wears a wig, you know.

---

Maggie: He's buying me dinner.

PJ: Slimy bastard.

Maggie: Well, what would you do if you were in my situation?

PJ: Order up big!

Waste Of Space [5.14]

Nick: How's it going, Doyley? You dirty rotten stop out!

Maggie: Excuse me?

Nick: I hear the drought's broken in a big way!

[Phone rings.]

Maggie: I better get that.

Nick: You're already getting it from what I hear.

---

Maggie: Well, Leila, why don't you just go over to Merv's place?

Leila: Maggie, you know a real lady would never call on a man!

Mr. Lucky [5.16]

Charlie: Now the sun sets over there, doesn't it?

Maggie (to Dash): Hey, if we kill him here, now, no one will ever know, will they?

Victims [5.20]

Dash: I don't know, I'm just way down the list because everyone else in here looks so much sicker than me.

The Living Dead [5.21]

Maggie: Liar, liar, pants on fire.

PJ: Well, that's why we get along so well, Mags.

---

PJ: Well, look at this! Quite romantic, hey? Prawns? You never cook prawns for me, Mags!

Maggie: Well, I wanted tonight to be special.

---

PJ: Yeah, well, you sort of like him, don't you?

Maggie: It's for you. I knew you'd come over.

Spinning The Yarn [5.22]

PJ: Ah, I love that smell!

Maggie: What, the roses?

PJ: Nup, money.

---

Maggie: You know I love the way your mind works.

The Dark Side [5.23]

Maggie: Who are you calling unprofessional? You've had a problem with Ben since he walked through the front door.

PJ: No I haven't, he's a good bloke.

Maggie: Yes, you have. You can't stand the fact that he's...

Nick: The fact that he's handsome and virile?

Maggie: ...That he's another detective.

---

Nick: Well I think he's handsome and virile...and he smells nice.

PJ: Oh, get stuffed.

Intervention [5.24]

Tom: Since when was perjury on the year 7 curriculum, McKinley?

---

Adam: Don't screw it up, it's supposed to be silly. Hang on, let's see...hey, "It's better to keep a secret than a lover".

PJ: Well, mine says I'm going to be the president of a cracker factory.

Nine Lives [5.28]

PJ: Yeah, I would offer you my spare room, but it's currently being sprayed for cockroaches.

Nick: Yes, they're after his collection of pizza boxes.

---

Ben: I'll tell you when you're 21.

---

Maggie: PJ, the music is playing, the lights are on, both our cars are in the driveway...You wouldn't have to be a detective to work out we're here.

---

Ben: PJ, get over yourself. You're not their big brother.

PJ: No, I'm not, Ben, but you see, Tom Croydon thinks that he's their father.

Missing Digits [5.29]

PJ: Well, is that normally how you talk to banks, Mags, 'cause I've got to tell you...I was really embarrassed.

Maggie: PJ, that short, pigeon-toed, simple-minded beaurocrat was asked a direct question. He couldn't even look me in the eye and give me an answer. He's hindering a police enquiry as far as I'm concerned.

Child's Play [5.30]

Tom: Doyle, run him over

Maggie: With pleasure

Dash: Hey what happened to you?

PJ: Nothing much. Just fell off the trapeze!

Nobody's Perfect [5.32]

Tom: Don’t take that tone of voice with me!!!

Adam: What tone of voice am I supposed to take?, everytime I come in here, I’ve done something wrong, you have some sort of go at me...

Tom: If...if you don’t want me to pick faults, stop making mistakes, now your shift is over

Turkish Delight [5.33]

PJ: Now you know, now he's going to transfer one of us, we'll be gone. We'll be split up. Off to woop woop.

---

Tom: Personal relationships between colleagues...friendship relations are fine, but...in my experience, office romances - can...ah...have a disastrous effect on discipline and efficiency and - look, the bloke can charm the birds out of the trees, but I mean, well, you must know about his track record with relationships.

Wedding Blues [5.37]

Zoe: Oh, if that's the romantic proposal, then God help the rest of the marriage.

Hunted [5.39]

Maggie: Er, no, but I'm sure by this afternoon I'll be hankering for some company, so can I put in an order now, for what, a tall dark handsome detective bearing wine, some seafood, an overnight bag and ah...

---

Jessie: Do you think she still loves me from heaven?

Maggie: Yes, I know she does. Sisters never stop loving their brothers. Never ever...come on, give us a hug. Good boy.

---

Robbie: You're right, I've never done anything for Maggie...I could have taken her and that kid back to Mt. Thomas...I could have saved them.

---

PJ: Maggie, he gave his life for you. That's not hate. That's the greatest act of love I've ever seen.

Rotten Apple, Part 1 [5.40]

Dash: Male bonding?

Maggie: No, male ego tripping.

---

Adam: For a minute there, I thought I was going to lose you. I don't think I've ever been so frightened in my life.

Rotten Apple, Part 2 [5.41]

Dash (to Adam): You don't make me feel safe anymore.

Dash (to Adam): Bye

---

Tom: I’m not gonna muck around, I was gonna give you a hamburger with the lot because you’ve been driving around in a car you knew was stolen, you knew Doug Healy took that tape and you kept ya mouth shut and you assaulted me. Now whether you resign or are dismissed, you’re going to be facing ongoing criminal charges, either way, you’re gone. You do have one friend left in this town, god knows why, she’s persuaded me not to press the assault charges.

Adam: Thanks.

Tom: Now get out of my site.

(Outside Tom’s office)

Tom: Hat, equipment belt, hand cuffs, leather jacket, “Freddy”

Adam hands over his badge

Tom: (to Maggie) Right, that’s the lot, take care of it would you please acting sergeant.

Maggie, Ben, PJ and Dash all look at Adam in disappointment without a single word, he starts crying and leaves the premises one last time (Adam has been fired)

Season 6 (1999)

Dancing With The Devil, Part 1 [6.01]

PJ: But Jack's a bloke!

[Dash and Maggie hit him.]

Love Is The Drug [6.04]

PJ: Mr. Greenwood?

Maggie: He's here about some lost property. It seems he lost a camera at Guver's Leap last night. Um...it's a video camera he was recording what he saw there. It also had a starlight attachment...it's a lens. It means you can see...everything in the dark.

PJ: Good...Mr. Greenwood?

---

PJ: Well, the panel van was parked over there, right? So if he's shooting from over there...and we were there...we're stuffed!

Maggie: Oh, oh God! Oh God!

An Eye For An Eye [6.05]

Jack: Oh, I don't know, my great-grandfather went through Gallipoli, and he never had any counselling.

Tom: That's because they didn't have any!

Jack: Oh, I'd feel like a big girl, Boss!

Tom: Next time I want to punish you, I'll tell Doyle and McKinley you said that.

Jack: Oh, they're not big girls, they're terrifying women!

Married To The Job [6.11]

Maggie: How dare you discuss us with Ben, PJ.

PJ: Us? I...I didn't.

Maggie: You did! And you took the liberty of discussing my father's business with him as well.

---

Maggie: I don't need protecting. I need you to be there for me, and that is all!

PJ: I am. I love you.

Maggie: Bastard.

---

Maggie: Do you think my father is guilty?

PJ: Yes. I wish I could say something else.

Maggie: So do I.

Web Of Lies [6.12]

PJ: Oh, Maggie, fighting Doyles. I love you.

Jack Of Hearts [6.15]

PJ (talking about the Titanic): Yeah, poor old iceberg. Going for a float and a dirty big ship runs right into it.

---

Tom: Jack is hunky, Jack is spunky...Jack can move and groove real funky. Jack Lawson, oh Jack Lawson, he is brave than Douglas Mawson.

---

Tom: Mawson. Don't you read your $100 bills?

Jack: Oh, no, I've never had one, Boss.

Perfect Match [6.19]

Maggie: Someone's going to come in. The Boss will come in.

PJ: The Boss knows.

Maggie: The Boss knows. How...

The Full Circle [6.23]

Tom: Goodbye, McKinley.

Dash: Yep...Tom.

Tom: Deidre. You're a dag.

Hello-Goodbye [6.28]

PJ: What a beautiful day for gardening!

The Price Of Silence [6.30]

Tom: As for you, Parrish, check your watch. When Mickey Mouse's club gets up by his ear, it means you should be at work.

Miracle At Rabbit Creek [6.36]

Father Brian Hegarty: For those who believe, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, no explanation is possible.

Be Prepared [6.42]

Maggie: I thought you were crazy about me?

PJ: Yeah, too crazy to make you miserable for the rest of your life. Look, Maggie, don't tell me he hasn't tempted you, because you kissed him.

---

PJ: Maggie, I love you more than anything else on earth. That's why I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know it's taken a while. But...Maggie, marry me?

Maggie: Yes! It fits! It's perfect!

Season 7 (2000)

Loose Ends [7.01]

Maggie: Do you think they bought it?

PJ: Yep, you pick a pretty good fight. Love you Maggie.

Maggie: I love you too.

One More Day [7.02]

PJ: What is true is that I never want to wake up without you by my side. I need you bossing me around, organising me, telling me to put the cap back on the toothpaste, the milk back in the fridge. It's called life, Mags, and I haven't got one without you. You know we spend our whole lives looking for that one person, and I'm not going to give that up.

Paper Chase [7.37]

Jack: I'm in a wheelchair...or haven't you noticed?

---

Jack: Why not just run an ad in the Gazette? Jack Lawson pissed himself last night.

Bully Boys [7.38]

Jack: Yeah, I got let out for good spelling. Three years on the job and I've finally learnt that apprehended has two 'p's, not one. Not that it's hard when you're only doing paperwork.

---

Chris: What is this? Last day of term?

Bloodlines [7.39]

Jack: Yeah, poems about horses...about as close as I'm going to get to one now.

---

PJ: No lock, no security. That's not how I would look after my valuable semen.

---

Chris: Your lamest, lame duck is good looking.

---

Tess: I don't think caring for people is necessarily a bad thing in a copper.

Leg Work [7.41]

Sam: The cat burglar in a wheelchair...they should make a movie out of that.

---

Jack: It's my body! It's my risk!

Season 8 (2001)

Deadly Fascination [8.03]

Jack: Yeah, I told him he should set it in a cop shop manned by an aging Detective called PJ. Except give it a twist, make him gay. And then there's Jack. He's, ah, ruggedly handsome, quiet and determined. He'll be the real hero of the show.

PJ: Yes, yes, and of course Jack will get the girl.

Jack: Oh, PJ will get the boy!

Letter Of The Law [8.04]

Simon: He's had it in for me since day one!

Tess: And day one was what? Yesterday? Feels like ten years...

---

Tess: If you don't pull him back up, then I'll charge you with...littering.

[Men pull Simon Barclay back onto the balcony.]

PJ: Littering?

Tess: It was the first thing I thought of.

Tough Nut [8.06]

Tom: More paperwork, thankyou.

---

Jo: Great, we'll be working even more weekends than we do now.

---

Tom: We don't have to make a decision straight away. Why don't we just sit on it for a while and make a decision at a later date?

Tess: Sure, Boss. Tomorrow's read-out, then.

---

Ben: You convince the crooks to work a 12-hour day and I'll consider it.

---

Tess: Tina Fulton is a hopeless mother, it's Hayley who's holding that family together.

---

Jack: You're really gunning for her, aren't you?

Tess: I'm not gunning for anybody.

---

Tess: And this is police business, is it?

---

Tess: So you don't know who attacked you?

Rollo: I already told you, the mongrel hit me from behind, or else you'd be patching him up.

---

Tom: If someone was going through the back streets of Mt. Thomas, assaulting innocent citizens, I think we'd have heard of it by now.

---

Tom: Sergeant, is this the new "across the board" interviewing technique, or is it just reserved for the more deserving cases?

---

Tess: Child's play.

---

Tom: I think it's time to break out the emergency rations.

---

Tess: Do you have any of that chocolate left, Boss?

Death By Flight [8.15]

PJ: Unbelievable! I just found out why my Mum hasn't been returning my phone calls.

Tess: Is she alright?

PJ: Oh yeah, she's fine. She's been having a dirty weekend with some guy that lives down the road.

Tess: Yeah? Good on her!

PJ: Tess, this is my mother we're talking about.

Tess: So?

PJ: So...mother's aren't supposed to do things like this. How would you feel if it was your mother?!

Dragged [8.22]

Falcon-Price: I know you'll give him a typical Mt. Thomas welcome.

Jo: Yeah! Strip search!

---

PJ: You were a grave digger!

Jonesy: Yeah. I mean, it's dirty work. But you meet a lot of people, they're mostly dead.

PJ: At least they don't talk back.

---

Falcon-Price: Well, it's a bit old fashioned.

Ben: Tradition.

Jo: Kind of like a working museum, really.

Tom: But we like it that way, don't we, Parrish?

---

Tess: I think we might have a few idiots drag racing.

Jonesy: Oh, yeah. Done a bit of that too.

Tess: What?!

Jonesy: When I was young and stupid.

---

Ronnie: You wouldn't of been able to get away with anything!

Jonesy: You're telling me! Mum used to have Dad dust the biscuit tin for finger prints!

---

Jonesy: Is it possible to get lost in Mt. Thomas?

Chris: A few people manage to. Tom's been getting lost for years.

---

Jonesy: Wish you'd call me Jonesy.

An Inspector Calls [8.24]

Tess: Jo, you better do something about this statement of yours.

Jo: No way! That is exactly what happened.

Tess: No, I meant fix the typos. Price is spelt with an 'E' on the end, not a 'k'.

Jo: Yes, well, once you know him it's the only way you can spell it.

---

Ben: Well that's something you don't get to see every day...an Inspector up a tree.

Jonesy: You right up there, sir? Would you like us to call the fire brigade for you...

Falcon-Price: What are you doing here?

Jonesy: Oh, we're on our way back from Frenchman's gully.

Ben: We thought we'd just pop by and see if you needed any 'back-up'.

Falcon-Price: I don't need any 'back-up'. I don't need anything from you.

---

Tom: God help us it's not even midday.

---

Jonesy: I don't know how you did it but you're a bloody genius. (Hands Jo a twenty dollar note)

Jo: Thank-you!

---

Superintendent: And what about you Inspector? You crashed a police car, fell out of a tree and got yourself abducted!

---

Tom: Will this day ever end?

Dinosaurs [8.25]

Tess: No, I don't mind, Boss. I had a quiet night...sticking pins in my PJ doll.

Charming [8.26]

Jo: So, what do witches eat for breakfast? Toad in the hole with rea; toads, mutes on toast...

Jonesy: Innocent young policemen.

---

Jo: What a wanker...say that in Latin!

---

Jonesy: Eye of newt and all things worse, avert the evil warlocks curse!

Poisoned Fruit, Part 1 [8.27]

PJ: Anything else you'd like to share with us, Constable?

Jonesy: Yeah...I don't like brussell sprouts.

---

Suspect: I gave you a swimming lesson.

Jo: Yes, you did.

---

Jonesy: Hey Jo, come join us!

Jo: Sorry I can't, I have to study.

Fifteen Minutes [8.29]

Jo: This is a waste of time.

PJ: Go get him, Jo-Jo.

---

Jonesy: What do you mean, no sex while driving!? Are you so boring?

---

Falcon-Price': I reckon you've only got a few minutes left of your fifteen minutes of fame.

Copping The Flak [8.30]

Jonesy: He viciously attacked Senior Constable Stewart's shin with a size 3 sneaker.

---

Tom: I don't know about you people, but I've got a home to go to and a dog to feed.

Jonesy: Is it that time already...

Tess: Oh, Constable.

Jonesy: You wouldn't want me to do it on over time, would you?

Tess: Just as long as you do it.

---

Jonesy: Is that an order?

Tess: If it has to be.

Jonesy: In that case, I obey.

The Lord Giveth [8.32]

Tess: Didn't your mother ever tell you curiosity killed the cat?

Jonesy: We never had a cat.

Role Model [8.35]

Squid: This is crap.

PJ: And you're full of it.

Who Can You Trust [8.38]

Jo: Jonesy, can you give me a hand to lift this thing?

Jonesy: Yeah...

PJ: You don't want me? Joanna, I am deeply offended.

Jonesy: PJ, can you blame her? I'll see you in the car.

PJ: Alright, Schwarzneggar!

The Real Santa [8.40]

Tom: Just my luck, first prize I've ever won and the prize is broken.

---

PJ: Mate, you are going to have to stop destroying telephones.

Dreaming Of A White Christmas [8.41]

Jo: Look out! Reindeer Patrol, here we come!

---

Tom: So what are your plans for tomorrow?

PJ: Just another day.

Tom: Get out of it. Don't you usually spend Christmas with your Mum?

PJ: Yes, well, she's ahh...spending Christmas with her new ahh...What do you call it when they're that age?

Tom: Ahh...lover?

PJ: Well that was the word I was looking not to say. I mean, I don't even like the idea of my Mum having sex with my Dad!

Tom: That's pathetic, PJ!

PJ: This is a thousand times worse. I don't even want to think about it.

Tom: Are you suggesting there should be some kind of sunset peclause on sex?

PJ: Absolutely! I mean, if you're over 50 and my mother, you shouldn't be having sex. In fact, you shouldn't be having sex full stop...Present company excluded, of course.

---

Tess: Hi.

Jonesy: Merry Christmas.

Tess: Yeah, you too.

Jonesy: I didn't know what to bring, so...

Tess: Anything's fine.

Jonesy: So...I didn't bring anything.

Tess: Oh! That's fine too.

---

Tess: What are you looking for?

Jonesy: Mistletoe.

Tess: Get out!

Jonesy: Merry Christmas!

---

Jo: I can't believe it! I'm supposed to be drivin' to Frankstown now...I've even got my bathers on...

PJ: Bathers?!

Jo: Yeah, I was gonna go straight to the beach.

PJ: If it keeps raining you won't need to go to the beach...You're wearing them now?

Jo: Yeah, well, you didn't give me time to change!

PJ: One piece or two? Academic interest, that's all!

Jo: Yeah Right

---

Jo: Why are you so cheerful all of a sudden, anyway?

PJ: You, me, your bikini, the prospect of Mal Yates on toast! What's not to be cheerful about?

Jo: I didn't say I was wearing a bikini.

---

Winifred: More lemonade?

Jo: Winifred, you're defeating the purpose of surveillance. How are we supposed to do this discretely if you keep popping over here every five minutes like a demented jack in the box!

---

Jonesy: I reckon Mrs Yates is living in La La Land.

---

Ben: Congratulations, engine off please. You've just won the idiot of the night award.

---

Brian: You've got to help me. My brother's coming home for Christmas.

Jo: Isn't that a good thing?

Brian: My brother's coming home to murder me.

PJ: Now you're talking.

---

Grace: We're parrishoners, Tom, not pyromaniacs.

---

PJ: Mal Yates is my Christmas present. He's the only one I'm likely to get. I want him.

---

Jonesy: I think your sister's got a better chance of getting your car home unscratched then you do. And apart from that, I'll have to arrest you if you try to start it up.

---

Brian: If the bastard wants to murder me, he can do it with a beer in my hand.

PJ: Well go and drink it somewhere else. I'll tell you, I'll murder him if his brother doesn't.

---

Grace: What did you talk about?

Tom: This and that.

Grace: Specifically which and what?

---

Ben: Deodorant...what are you trying to tell me Jo?

Season 9 (2002)

Breaking Point, Part 2 [9.02]

Tess: If I need any help from you, I will ask for it.

If It Ain't Hurtin' [9.03]

Jonesy: There's one thing I don't miss about being on the road...seedy coffee in seedy road houses.

---

Tess: I'm sorry about Meg.

Jonesy: I'm not...she blamed you.

Tess: Me?! Why?

Jonesy: She reckons you were jealous.

Tess: Of what?!

Jonesy: Of me and her.

Tess: Well, that comes from living in a fantasy world for too long.

Jonesy: She reckons you fancy me, Sergeant.

---

[Tess kisses Jonesy on the cheek.]

PJ: Hey! Don't we all get one?

Ben: I've been good, Sergeant!

---

Chris: So when will I get to see G-I Jonesy in action?

Jonesy: The body can't take it anymore, Chris.

Chris: Weak!

Jonesy: Thanks!

The Real Thing [9.05]

wanyeh

Stable Mates [9.38]

Jo: See something's sus. Parrish 1, Hasham 0.

Season 10 (2003)

Excuses, Excuses [10.04]

PJ: Best excuse of the days wins.

Love In [10.11]

---

Jo: I cant believe the boss would dob me in like that.

Ben: Ohh he just said that you and Falcon-Price were being competitive...

Jo: Russell, was being a complete jerk. Talk about win at all costs. I just, tried to cut him down to size a little bit.

PJ: By cutting the rope on the raft?

Jo: It wasn't as if it was going to hurt anybody. I guess you've um, heard about the rest...

PJ: Do go on.

---

Flashback

(Inspector Falcon-Price get's into bed and goes to pull the sheets up)

Falcon-Price: Alright, who short-sheeted my bed?

(Everyone is sitting inside around a fire. Inspector Falcon-Price takes a sip of his coffee and spits it out straight away)

Falcon-Price: Who salted the sugar?

(Jo is on the top bunk giggling into her coffee and covering her mouth with her hand)

(Inspector Falcon-Price sit's on his bed and falls straight through to the floor)

Falcon-Price: Oomph

(Jo is laying on her own bed and starts laughing uncontrollably into her pillow)

Thicker Than Water [10.24]

[PJ walks in on Jo hugging Jonesy.]

PJ: Is this the start of a new relationship or just comfort from a friend?

Jonesy: Just comfort.

Jo: Thanks mate.

PJ: In that case, I think it's my job.

---

PJ: I'm saying I love you.

Raging Hormones [10.25]

Chris: What about a board?

Jo: What? To hit PJ over the head with?

Chris: No, under the mattress. My father used to swear by a board. Actually, the wardrobe door of room 7 would do fine.

PJ: How much?

Chris: For you, PJ, nothing.

PJ: Speaking my language.

---

PJ: Careful, Boss. Your chauvinism is showing.

---

Tess: Of course, because we all know that every pregnant woman is capable of murder.

---

Tess: Do you want to have a look?

Jonesy: Thought you'd never ask.

[Jonesy enters Tess' ultrasound.]

Doctor: I'm sorry, I didn't realise.

Jonesy: What?

Doctor: That you were the father.

Jonesy: No, we're just good friends.

Doctor: Do you want to know the sex of the baby?

Jonesy: Yes.

Tess: No.

Jonesy: Nah...

Tess: Print him out a copy if he wants. He can frame it.

---

Jonesy: I guess it's a shame we're not more like seahorses.

Tess: Seahorses?!

Jonesy: Yeah. It's the male that gets pregnant.

Tess: Probably the only male anything that knows what it's like to be dismissed as an eratic, hormonal half-wit every time it opens it's mouth.

---

Ben: Mate, you can't reason with pregnant women, they're stubborn for two.

Too Good To Be True, Part 1 [10.28]

Jonesy: Don't call me pal, mate.

Calvin: Don't call me mate, pal.

Every Man And His Ute [10.30]

PJ: She called me a bastard.

---

Ben: She pays, she chooses.

PJ: She wants pineapple on the pizza.

Ben: Well we'll get our own pizza.

---

[PJ thinks Jo has just hung up on him. The phone rings.]

PJ: Oh? Over our little hissy fit, are we...oh, it's Senior Detective Hasham...

Losing The Road [10.37]

Brad: Squeeze the trigger, you'd be doing me a favour.

Season 11 (2004)

Retribution, Part 1 [11.01]

Jonesy: You a big Sergeant, me lowly bleb.

---

Susie: What is wrong with these men?

Jo: It's simple. Inside every man is a twelve-year-old boy.

Susie: And inside everyone woman?

Jo: Is a twelve-year-old girl. But twelve-year-old girls are much more mature than twelve-year-old boys.

---

PJ: You keep your sick perverted eyes off Constable Parrish!

Cast The First Stone [11.07]

PJ: It's like aerobics, except you trying to get you nail polish dry, so it's more of an up and down motion.

[PJ, Ben and Jonesy start waving their arms around. Tom walks into the station, and PJ and Ben stop. Jonesy doesn't see him and keeps going.]

Tom (to Jonesy): Don't you have any work to do?!

[Jonesy stops quickly.]

Great Expectations [11.08]

Jo: It's either bush walking or jazz ballet.

---

Jo: I should have realised the great white hunter wouldn't be able to find his way back to the car

---

PJ: Was this before or after you took your pants off for Rochelle?

---

PJ: If you're not worried about mosquito bites in awkward places, neither am I

---

PJ (To Jo): This skinny dipping isn't gonna happen is it?

Running Scared [11.10]

[Jo has just seen the threat written on the patrol car window.]

Jo: It's Senior Constable, you bastard.

---

Jo: Hang on, why am I taking my shirt off?!

---

Jonesy: No one tells me anything around here!

Mind Wide Open [11.11]

Susie: So it really looked like a flying saucer?

Jo: It was full on and I didn't even have the mushrooms.

Jonesy: This is when it pays to read your stars signs. Will be abducted by aliens, so pack undies!

Susie: Wonder what's Rochelle's was?

Jo: Yeah, Sag.

Jonesy: Here it is. Something new will happen in your life. Maybe a new man. Expect a trip to outerspace! Expect a bumpy ride!

PJ: You're all so hilarious.

Susie: So what did your star sign say yesterday, PJ?

Jo: Expect a grumpy mood and a closed mind.

PJ: All your minds are so open I can hear the wind just whistling through!

Jo: PJ!

On The Inside [11.13]

Susie: It's not a date...it's a social obligation.

Yesterday's Hero [11.15]

Susie (to Jonesy): Am I distracting you?

Echoes [11.21]

Jo: Susie, how do I compete with a ghost?

---

PJ: Life is very precious, just don't chuck it away.

End Of Innocence [11.22]

PJ: Trouble is, I don't believe him.

---

Jo: Every time I see him...it just hurts.

---

Jo: I always thought heartbroken was just an expression...but I can feel it.

---

Jo: PJ's not the only one who's suffering.

---

Jonesy: That line never works for me, Grace.

Headless Chooks [11.23]

Amy: All right, I guess I'll just have a chair.

PJ: If that's what you want.

Amy: No, I don't want, but it'll have to do until I can figure out what's going on here.

---

Ben: I didn't think it was important.

Nick: No, Ben. You just didn't bother.

---

PJ: How would you feel if someone killed your wife, Zoe?

Nick: Oh, you know mate, I'd probably give them a medal. You wouldn't understand because you're not married.

A Time For Mourning [11.24]

Amy: Detectives don't dig.

---

Mark (about Joss): Who's this?

Jonesy: Probationary Constable Idiot.

Don't Call Me Baby [11.28]

Theo: Well, screw you.

Amy: Not if you were the last man alive.

---

[Amy sees Kelly's neck brace.]

Amy: Love the fashion accessory!

Kelly: Is this 'Pick on Kelly Day'?

Pillow Talk [11.30]

Jonesy: She's going to end up in the same place as Hugo Allen, and you can bet that's not Akapolko!

Amy: Actually, it was Aka-bloody-polko.

---

Jonesy: Nice view...bit of a drop...

Out Of Love [11.31]

Amy: Aggrrhh! Everytime I search men's luggage it's makes me glad I'm not married!

Andrew: Member of the sisterhood, are you?

Amy: I wish!

---

Susie: He's dead, she's got coke, join the dots!

---

Susie (about Jonesy): Good career. Nice while it lasted.

Turf War [11.32]

Tom: There's something missing.

Amy (distractedly): Somewhere else...

Tom: Thankyou, Fox. Very helpful.

---

Susie: What is your problem?!

Amy: What's your's?!

---

Amy: Is it just my imagination or do we spend more time chasing Constable Cowboy than we do chasing crooks?

---

Amy: Read books do you, Donna?

Donna: You've probably never opened one. They have words in them.

Special Treatment [11.34]

Tom: I just didn't want it to appear that you were getting special treatment.

Daniel: Yeah, I was getting special treatment. Being locked up for owning a pair of really common shoes.

A Helping Hand [11.37]

Kelly (to Joss): It's for you, Romeo. It's Juliet, or at least Juliet's mum.

---

Jonesy: Oh, and keep it in your pants.

Joss: Look who's talking.

---

Tom: Peroni, if I wanted a doorstop I'd go out and buy one.

---

Roy: I'm just trying to help you become a better copper.

Kelly: My arse!

Roy: Your arse has nothing to do with it.

---

PJ: There is a Steve working the district and he picked up Jim Tudor last night and dropped him out to an abandoned farm.

Tom: Where he slept in a manger and gave birth to baby Jesus, I get the picture.

---

Faye: So what time are you coming around?

Joss: Faye, I don't think...

Faye: What time?

Joss: Straight after work.

---

PJ: How'd you find him?

Tom: Competent police work, what have you two been doing?

---

Tom: Peroni, you're an idiot.

---

Roy: You ring the parents, I'll put her through the books in a minute.

Susie: I think what he was trying to say is 'good job, well done'.

Kelly: Wouldn't hold my breath.

---

Kelly: I came over because you looked lonely, Roy Boy.

Roy: That's Sergeant Roy Boy to you.

Tit For Tat [11.38]

=Tom=: Of course you've had a twinge Merv You're Stoned

Crash Site [11.39]

Chris: How are spending Christmas, Jonesy?

Jonesy: I think I will go and flush myself down the toilet, Chrissy.

Chris: Oh, a non-traditional Christmas, then.

Season 12 (2005)

Vengeance [12.01]

Nick: The only thing Tom Croydon is likely to knock over is a pie shop.

Burden Of Proof [12.02]

Tom: A gun is only a threat if the person it's being used against doesn't want to die.

---

PJ: I grew up in a Lebanese grocery.

Foley: You'd understand, then.

PJ: Oh yes. It's the falafels and pistacchio nuts that made me the detective I am today.

---

PJ: What are you saying, the cows made me do it?

My Way [12.03]

PJ: Don't ask me, I slept through algebra.

Amy: It's compound interest.

PJ: There's a difference?

The Walking Wounded [12.04]

Alex: Well, hello Foxy!

Amy: Senior Detective will be fine.

Alex: Ouch!

PJ: Don't you have your own desk?

---

Alex: You're only trapped if you think you're trapped. It's a mind thing, Grasshopper.

---

Alex: There's a crazy man running around with a gun.

Tom: If this is a joke...

Alex: Actually, he was wearing a uniform like your's. His name is Jones.

---

Alex: The Senior Sergeant is a bit of a straight shooter, is he?

Mark: Well, that's one way of putting it.

---

Jonesy: You didn't tell me you were coming.

Alex: I wanted to surprise you. Surprise!

---

Jonesy: This is Senior Detective PJ Hasham.

Alex: I thought you said the detective was an old guy.

---

Jonesy (to Susie): We'll just have to wait until someone comes to find us.

[Scene cuts to the station.]

Mark: Have you seen my pen, Joss?

Joss: Well, what's it look like?

Mark: It's an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. It was a bloody Father's Day present!

---

Mark: Where is my pen, Evan?!

---

Mark: Mt. Thomas to the unit calling. Would you please keep the airwaves clear for less melodic communication?

---

Amy: I've seen people like her before...the walking wounded. Damaged people thinking they're just like everyone else and then something snaps.

Chasing Smoke [12.05]

Amy: In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn, a stately pleasure-dome decree.

PJ: What?

Amy: Nothing.

Everything A Girl Could Want [12.06]

Kelly: If you ever make a bet like that again, I will do some soccer practice of my own...with your balls.

One Sick Puppy [12.09]

Jonesy: You bastard.

Alex: What?

Jonesy: Where is it?

Alex: Where's what?

Jonesy: Where is it?

Alex: Mate, take it easy, mate.

Jonesy: Hand it over!

Alex: Okay, okay, just let me go.

Mark: What is going on, you two?

[Jonesy lets Alex go and he gives Jonesy his missing promotion.]

Mark: That was a very low act.

Alex: Yeah, but it was bloody funny.

Jonesy: Right, now you die.

Alex: Hey, it was a joke! Where's your sense of humour?

Mark: Hey, you two!

[Jonesy and Alex begin to wrestle.]

Mark: Now look here!

Tom: What the hell is going on?

Alex: Jonesy and I are just reliving our childhood, Boss.

Tom: Well, find a playground to do it. Because believe it or not, this is a police station.

Killing Time [12.10]

Amy: Wow, I must be a better actor than I thought.

---

Joss: She looks like a dog!

Kelly: Joss!

Joss: What? Look at her. She does.

Mark: We don't need the canine comparisons, everybody has their own attributes.

Mirror Image [12.11]

Amy: Say it isn't true.

---

Garth: I hate all that hippy touchy feely shit.

---

Susie: Watch out, Jonesy, you're turning into a snag.

Jonesy: No I'm not. I'm just doing my job.

Susie: In a snaggy kind of way.

---

Deaf man: That's all right, it's what I'd expect from an arsehole like you.

---

Amy (of Garth): An extended fling would be more accurate terminology.

---

[Deaf man has just been using sign language.]

Jonesy: He just called me a dickhead, didn't he?

---

Jonesy (of Alex): His sister's deaf. He could sign before he could talk.

---

Amy (of Garth): He just made me feel dirty and worthless all over again.

---

Amy (to Garth): You were the one person who could have understood me and you just drove me away!

---

Amy (of Garth): Well, he's been alternating between the same two boring shirts since he got here.

---

Tom: The homicide crew can hardly do any worse than you lot.

---

Joss: Chocolates are a girl thing. We like beer and stuff.

---

Amy: I'm starting to fade, Mark. Just when it's starting to get interesting.

---

Kelly: War, Peroni. This means war.

---

PJ: We need to keep our blood sugar levels up. Pork, fish, chicken. Major food groups.

---

Amy (to Garth): You are a liar, a coward, and you can go to hell.

---

Amy: Chocolate, that's caffeine too, isn't it?

Mark: That's different caffeine. That's chocolate caffeine, that's good for the soul.

---

Tom (to Mark): Bodies piling up outside and you're flogging chocolates.

---

Bill: I thought you couldn't be seen with me.

Amy: Just making sure you don't nick any stationery on your way out.

Bill: I thought I was a serial killer.

Amy: Still need stationery.

---

Mark: You're asleep on your feet.

Amy: I was resting my eyes.

Mark: Yes, that's exactly what I tell Penny when I'm nodding off in front of the tele.

---

Garth (of Ngaire's house): Not exactly a party chick, was she?

Amy: You're all heart, Garth.

Garth: I can be, given the chance.

Amy: Let's just stick to the matter at hand, shall we?

---

PJ: Did he ever talk about his family.

Amy: Hardly ever, that was probably the attraction.

Blood And Bone [12.12]

PJ: If he comes back here, I give you permission to use your weapon on him. Garth leaves And if you leave your post again, I will use mine on you.

---

Amy: I'm no one special. Worse off than some. Better off than others.

---

Kelly: Go easy, Joss!

Jaimie: Yeah, Joss, go easy!

Kicking Over The Traces [12.13]

Alex (of the dead man): The suspect was...hanging around...

---

Mark: Have you thought about a massage?

Alex: Thanks Sarge, but I hardly know you.

Susie: Let me try.

Amy: Try strangling him instead.

---

Jonesy: I gave you plenty of warning!

Alex: Yeah, then you just dropped him on me!

---

Alex: So, do you torture for a living?

---

Alex (while being massaged): Doc, please! I've got a low pain threshold!

Dr. Hunter: Just try to relax.

Alex: Okay, I promise. No more bad jokes.

---

Mark: Yeah, it's been a popular car over the last thirty years.

---

Joss: It's about time they treated us with some respect.

Kelly: Joss. You're holding a melon, mate.

---

Alex (about the ball-bearing shooter): Mate, it's so stupid...it's beautiful.

---

Joss: Should've just thumped that little jerk.

Mark: Hey, Joss. Don't go around thumping members of the general public, alright? ESD has a slight problem with it. Gives us a bad name.

---

Alex (to boys): Don't you ever clean out your pizza boxes?

---

Susie (to Alex): I don't want to put the hard word on you, but I don't want to be palmed off again.

---

Susie (to Alex): Put some extra sugar in your coffee. It might help.

---

Kelly: This is our chance to get sacked.

---

Kelly (to Joss): You won't be sacked. The Boss likes having you to kick around.

---

Kelly: I'm sorry?

Joss: I was wrong. Jamie Hunter had nothing to do with the bomb. But the evi...

[Kelly clears her throat loudly.]

Joss: Alright, I was wrong. What else?

Kelly: The garage?

Joss: The garage was a stupid idea.

Kelly: And whose idea was it?

Joss: It was mine.

Kelly: I'm sorry Kelly for dragging you into it.

Joss: Yes, I'm sorry.

Kelly: It was dumb.

Joss: Hmm, alright.

Kelly: I am an idiot.

[Joss mumbles in Italian.]

Kelly: I'm sorry?

Joss: Uh, that's Italian for I'm really terribly sorry.

Kelly: Hmm. Variation on scuzez, huh?

Joss: Yeah, that's right.

---

Joss: I felt resposible for what happened, so I'm glad you're alright. So much so that I got you something.

Kelly: What is it?

[Joss gives Kelly the bag.]

Kelly: Thanks.

[Kelly pulls out a bunch of bananas.]

Kelly: Did you even pay for these?

---

Jonesy: I saw that.

Susie: What? Nothing happened.

Jonesy: You smiled.

Susie: I used to perm my hair.

Jonesy: So?

Susie: It was the nineties.

Jonesy: Touche. I tried to impress a girl once by singing Love Me Tender. To her cat.

Susie: Did it work?

Jonesy: Her cat was obsessed with me after that.

[Susie laughs.]

Jonesy: There you go. Twice. I win.

Susie: I thought I knew most of your disaster stories.

Jonesy: Not all of them, no.

Susie: Is there more?

Jonesy: Yeah. But I'll hold off on them. Gotta keep something in store.

Susie: Yeah for when I have another day like today. Tonight was fun.

Jonesy: Fun. Is that it?

[Jonesy tries to kiss Susie, but she pushes him away.]

Jonesy: Oh, Suse. I don't get it.

Susie: It's not you.

Jonesy: Well, I know you're not seeing anyone else. You are seeing someone else.

Susie: There's just something that I have to sort out.

---

Jonesy: Your mug half empty, mate?

Alex: Just, ah, contemplating the universe.

Jonesy: Is it a private conversation or can anyone join in?

Alex: When you think about it, you know, two bodies that have been revolving around each other for some time. Equal mass, although one may be thicker than the other...

Jonesy: Are you sure this is, ah, coffee you've been drinking?

Alex: Gravity...is a really powerful force of attraction, mate. I mean, these two bodies...they just, they just wanna crash into each other, but something's holding them back. Inertia, maybe? I dunno. But they're...locked in orbit. It could go on forever.

Jonesy: Sounds depressing.

Alex: It is. Get your act together, mate. Ask her out.

Jonesy: Who?

Alex: Who do you think?

Offside [12.14]

Alex: Do you reckon you could book a crow for speeding?

---

Alex: That's not a very flattering way to talk about a lady.

Jonesy: Well, the lady's not interested.

---

Alex: Okay, Susie, where'd you hide them?

Susie: God, you're an insensitive bastard.

[Susie leaves.]

Jonesy: Yeah, you're an idiot.

Alex: Well I guess that's marginally better than being a bastard.

---

Alex: Well, I'm stuffed too if it's any consolation.

Jonesy: Not really, no. Well, maybe just a little bit.

---

Jonesy: Impersonating ESD...what do you get for that?

Alex: I don't know, I don't think it's ever been done.

---

Jonesy: What happens when the real ESD show up and she mentions you?

Alex: Oh, God, we're stuffed.

The Life [12.15]

Jonesy: Yeah, well, hindsight's 20/20, isn't it?

---

Man: How do we know this is real. I could have done this in ten minutes on Photoshop.

Danny: You're just going to have to trust me.

Jonesy: Besides, if you hang around long enough, you can see it on the 6 o'clock news.

---

Mark: Yes, well I want world peace, Mr. Ross, but we don't always get what we want.

---

Danny: Trust, honour, family...rules for life.

---

Danny: Hey, remember...trust, honour, family always comes first.

---

Amy (of the voice recorder): How sensitive is that thing?

Alex: See that magpie over there?

Amy: Yeah...

Alex: It just farted.

---

Danny (to Jonesy): Butch is going to need someone to smack him into line every now and again. Just keep your hands off my wife.

---

Tom: That's the difference between us, Danny. I would never be in your shoes.

The Ticket Out [12.16]

Tom: Three men dead in one shift is not a good look, Jones.

Jonesy: Even if they were all scum?

---

Mark: Sir, Senior Sergeant Croydon is out of control.

Falcon-Price: Tell me something I don't know.

Mark: Yesterday he kept you out of the loop and sent Senior Constable Jones out on a very delicate assignment.

Falcon-Price: This would be Senior Constable 'Barking Mad' Jones.

---

Falcon-Price: This station has more cowboys than the cast of Oklahoma.

---

Falcon-Price: The Jurassic Age is over. The time of the dinosaurs has passed and mammals now rule the earth. You'd want to ask yourself what team you're on.

---

Tom: This time yesterday, we had four gangsters alive, well and operating. Today, three of them are dead and the other one is going down for murder. So what's the problem?

Falcon-Price: You.

---

Mark: We've got a tobacco farmer knocked on the head, six bales of tobacco missing.

Amy: Six bales...what's that worth?

PJ: Bootleg tobacco...seven grand a bale...

Amy: Forty-two big ones. I'm in the wrong job.

---

Amy: You should get your husband to the hospital, Mrs. Cole. He could have concussion.

Mrs. Cole: You spend your life at that hospital.

PJ: Now why didn't I marry a sympathetic woman like that?

---

Alex: What do you do for a living, sir?

Brendan: Well, you just had a squiz in the back. What does it look like?

Alex: Well, you tell me.

Brendan: Long distance carrier, this job's furniture removal.

Alex: And who uses bales of tobacco as furniture?

---

Joss: I'd rather get in trouble with the mafia.

Brendan: Well, by the look of you, you probably know all about them.

---

PJ: Brendan has just won first prize for the greatest number of lies told in one sentence.

---

Brendan: So, how are things with the mafia?

Joss: That's twice you've made that remark. Wanna say it again? No.

---

Mark: There are guidelines, PJ, and they apply to all of us.

PJ: Even to the Boss?

Mark: Yeah, even to the Boss.

---

Amy: What are you getting at?

PJ: We came into the station, you must have seen him and you walked out again. You missed the initial interview and now you want to charge him. You haven't even talked to him.

Amy: You saying I lack objectivity?

PJ: I'm asking if you two have a history.

Amy: You just crossed the line, PJ. My history is my history and no one else's, full stop.

---

Amy: First move now is to make a statement of exactly what happened.

Brendan: I've already told him what happened, I told him three times.

Amy: And if you want to see a judge and jury laugh their socks off, you'll tell them the same story.

---

Amy: You are not my judge, PJ! No one is my judge!

PJ: Judge of what?

Playing By The Book [12.17]

Susie: Lucky we didn't save him a pie.

---

Jonesy: Would you mind if a kissed you?

Susie: Ahh...no.

Jonesy: 'Cause I really like you, Susie. I've liked you from the moment I first saw you...I guess it was like at first sight.

Susie: Well that's a good start, then.

---

Sam: Don't be a doofus.

Daisy: I'm not a doofus!

---

PJ: People make their own choices. They live with their pain.

---

Amy: Maybe she was too scared to fight!

Monster [12.18]

PJ: What are you doing here?

Amy: The jewellers on Penhope Road was knocked over.

PJ: Yeah, I know...that's why I'm here.

---

PJ: You want a coffee? Or maybe a scotch?

Amy: Don't tempt me.

---

Alex (to Jonesy): I am the best mate you are ever going to have.

---

Woman (of Jonesy): Cute...and good at his job.

---

Amy (to Tom): Thanks for your concern, but I don't need anyone playing devil's advocate.

---

Amy: He forced himself on my for years. What could be harder to deal with than that?

---

Amy: This is my workplace. I'm not going to hide.

---

Jonesy (to different woman): All I know is, once I find her, that's it.

Susie (to different man): Kids...house...the whole catastrophe.

---

Jonesy (on the phone to Susie): Now why haven't I seen that dress before?

---

Jonesy: Because...maybe we're made of different stuff. Maybe we want different things. Maybe you just wanna play the field.

Susie: That's not what I want. Jonesy, it's taken us this long to get this far, don't stuff it up now.

---

Amy: You're the one who told me to go after him!

PJ: If we're going to nail him, then we need to stick to procedure.

Amy: I don't give a stuff about procedure. I don't even care if we charge him. He's already ruined my life, and I'm not going to let him ruin Chloe's.

PJ: Do you want me to come with you?

Amy: No.

PJ: Wrong answer.

---

Susie: I think what you did was brave, facing up to him.

Amy: Brave...I thought that once I'd faced him that things would change, that I'd change.

Susie: Nothing's going to change right away.

Amy: Maybe nothing will ever change. Maybe this is as good as it gets.

Dangerous Animals [12.19]

Tom: Now, who want's brussell sprouts?

Sam and Daisy: Ewwwwww!

Tom: Did I say brussell sprouts? I meant fish and chips.

Sam and Daisy: Yay!

---

Jonesy: There's a man-eater out there!

Susie: Go on then, 'Sir Evan'!

---

Jonesy: One umbrella. Very broken.

[He pretends to dance, Mary-Poppins style.]

Susie: I didn't know you were a man of so many talents!

---

Jonesy: Some mate you turned out to be.

Alex: What?

Jonesy: Susie.

Night And Day [12.22]

Jason: Which dickhead turned the music off?!

Jonesy: That dickhead would be me.

Crossing The Line [12.24]

Amy: Smells like fish.

PJ: Now, Amy. You're going to spoil the moment where I'm being all heroic and supportive. I will confess to you that for a small portion of the day only, my hankie shared my pocket with a half-eaten tuna sandwich.

[Amy laughs.]

PJ: What, a man's gotta eat?

Amy: Eat, yes, but store in a pocket?

PJ: Well it has been a long day.

Amy: Yeah, I might get a late night.

In Warm Blood [12.25]

Alex: Everyone else decided the best way to help Kelly was to turn into uniformed thugs!

---

Alex: His mother passed away while we were holding him in here on a charge we all knew was a crock!

---

Tom: Next time, tuck your thumb in like this...

---

Alex: You sold me out!

---

Mark: Actually, this time Boss...it's your fault.

Another Day At The Office, Part 1 [12.26]

Garth: It's a job, not a kidney donation.

Amy: Why me?

Garth: Why you what?

Amy: You said you had your pick of the force. Why me?

Garth: Oh, you know, so I can look up your skirt.

Amy: You wanna get out and walk?

Garth: You wanna concede that you're good at this gig and we work well together?

Another Day At The Office, Part 2 [12.27]

PJ: No one wants a party, mate.

---

PJ: You acted like anyone would have. It means you're human.

Amy: It means I've got a long way to go.

---

Garth: Mate, I'm going to have to commend you on your shooting skills.

PJ: It's amazing what a little motivation does for your aim.

Getting The Bullet [12.29]

Tom: Peroni didn't shoot anybody. He's a copper. Coppers don't shoot other coppers.

Acid Test [12.30]

Amy: Me Lone Ranger, you Tonto - got it?

Jonesy: Whatever you say, Kemo Sabe.

Good Times [12.33]

Jonesy: Well, they reckon the skull could be ancient.

Alex: Oh, what? Mt. Thomas Man, ten thousand years old?

Jonesy: Couldn't be, the Boss is still walking around.

---

Kelly (to Matt): I mean, you're a long way from the sunshine, sunshine.

---

Kelly (to Joss): Is everything a bet with you?

Bad Fortune [12.34]

Amy: What the hell are you two...is that a pie?!

---

Jonesy: What do you call this?

Ernie: In my world, we call that a shovel.

Jonesy: Yes, well, in my world, we call that blood.

Amy: And in my world, I call that a reason for a visit to the station.

---

Alex: Yeah! Right on, Foxy! You sure told them!

Amy: Don't ever call me that again, 'ACTING' Sergeant!

---

Matt: So what do you need me to do, Sarge?

Alex: I don't need the formal stuff. Call me Alex.

Matt: Whatever you say, Sarge.

---

Amy: I thought you were the romantic.

Jonesy: Yeah, but that's just stupid.

Child's Play [12.35]

Matt (talking to the dog): Hey, boy. What are you doing here? Watching the future of your country make fools of themselves? Don't do drugs, okay?

---

Joss: She just flashed me.

Jonesy: Who? Kelly? She's sick, man. She's delirious. I dunno, I wouldn't take it as a compliment.

Joss: No, that school girl.

Jonesy: I'm sure you'll get over it.

Joss: I'm old enough to be her dad.

---

Ashley: I could sue you if I get what you've got.

Kelly: Go ahead, all you'll get is a hairbrush and an alarm clock.

Ashley: Well may I request a change of babysitter, then?

Kelly: Who would you like? I don't recommend the Italian.

Ashley: Been there have you?

Kelly: No, I love him like a brother. I've made it my mission to keep him intact until he finds a nice girl to marry.

---

Ashley: I hear you're looking for a nice girl...good luck trying to find one.

---

Jonesy: What do we have here?

Amy: We have a Luke Knights...

Jonesy: Is that right? G'day, Luke. I'm an Evan Jones, and I've had several less hours sleep than I need, so you are not in friendly hands here, son.

---

Kelly: I've been called in.

Estelle: But it's Saturday.

Kelly: Crime doesn't care about that.

Estelle: But you're sick.

Kelly: Crime doesn't care about that either.

---

Jonesy (to Luke): Get in there you arrogant little sh*t!

Joss: We can't do that, can we?

Jonesy: We just did.

Facing The Music [12.36]

Matt: You read the right act to your girlfriend yet?

Kelly: She's not my girlfriend.

Matt: No, she's a stalker.

Joss: Who's this? Your fruitcake mate?

---

Kelly: I am not your friend, Estelle, get that through your head!

---

Matt: Did she get the message?

Kelly: Doubt I'll make it to her Christmas card list...

---

Alex: So what footy team do you follow?

Matt: Don't really.

Alex: C'mon, everyone has a footy team.

Matt: Lions, I guess.

Alex: Oh, that's right, you're a banana bender.

---

Alex: Sometimes it doesn't hurt to be a little flexible.

Matt: You mean piss-weak.

---

Matt: You don't just decide to smack your teacher in the face on a whim. Something must've happened!

---

Matt: He's lying.

Alex: Or he just doesn't respond well to being badgered!

Matt: You don't hit someone over guitar practice.

Alex: This kid did! Look, even his father didn't think it was out of character, what more do you want?

Matt: The truth.

Promises, Promises [12.38]

Chris: You're preaching to the converted, Alex!

---

Kelly: I just got rid of one stalker, Peroni, I don't need another.

---

Susie: I don't know why the council bothers with this sign. None of the kids are getting any better at reading it.

Alex: Well they wouldn't have to trespass if the council just left the gate open.

Susie: Well that's a flawless piece of logic.

---

Matt: He wouldn't do anything to hurt his daughter.

Tom: Your call, Detective.

Matt: He's not a flight risk, trust me.

Amy: Alright...but it's on your head.

---

Amy: (sarcastically) He's not a flight risk, trust me.

---

Jonesy: Amy's a good copper. She's as straight as they come, but she will listen to any reasonable suggestion.

Matt: Yeah well, you must know a different Amy Fox.

---

Amy: One guess who lit the match.

---

Amy: The video shop guy again?

Matt: The video shop guy's an evil bastard.

---

Tom: Oh, that looks serious.

Matt: No point making it if it's not. You want one?

Tom: Doubt it if my heart would survive it. I understand your concern about divulging information. I was in the army myself. Vietnam. A word in the wrong ear could lead to a platoon being ambushed. But we're coppers now. We rely on information. We can't do the job without it. You're not at war now, Matt.

Matt: We weren't in Timor to fight a war. We were peacekeepers.

---

Amy: If I find out that you have helped Jose to disappear or divulged any information to him whatsoever, I promise you I will have your badge.

---

Amy: Constable, I'm thinking of filing an official complaint against you myself, so I strongly suggest you shut up right now.

---

Jose: I want to speak to my daughter.

Amy: Not before we do.

Slaying The Demons [12.39]

Tom: For once I agree with Peroni.

---

Kelly: Wait!

Matt: Don't worry...I'm not going anywhere.

---

Amy: Scared we'd find out about the demon slayer?

---

Jonesy: I'm trying to stop you from ruining your life.

---

Amy: Looks like your gut was better than mine...this time.

Jonesy: Well if it's a competition, then you've got plenty of time to get your own back. I just got accepted into detective training school.

---

Amy: Well, if you ever make Detective, maybe I'll listen to your opinion.

Keeping Up Appearances [12.40]

[Matt and Amy see the politician's son's eyepatch.]

Matt: Arr!

[Amy glares at him.]

---

Amy: We're actually heading over to the hospital now if you'd like a lift.

Sean (watching Matt): Uh, no thanks.

Amy: Don't blame you.

---

Amy (of Matt): Is that the best you can give me?

---

Matt: We'll need to get onto the girlfriend...

Amy: Constable! You will not do anything without my go-ahead, understand?

[Matt stops.]

Amy: What are you waiting for?

Matt: For that, you know, go-ahead.

Amy (doubtfully): Uh-huh. Call her.

---

Amy: Who said there was no intelligent life here?

---

Matt: The clue was staring her right in the face.

---

Amy: When were you going to tell me all this?

Matt: When you were ready to listen.

---

Tom: And the joyrider?

Amy: Could charge him with rank stupidity, but he didn't do it.

---

Amy: No spilling coffee, no interrupting me while I'm asking questions, no stain remover.

---

Kelly: Ha, ha...oops, just lost my butter menthol.

Joss: That's disgusting.

Kelly: Well I'm working in CI.

---

Joss: Why you?

Kelly: Well, I imagine Amy was looking for someone with a ruthless determination for the truth.

Joss: Exactly, why you?

Kelly: Look, there's the right stuff...and then there's Peroni.

---

Susie: I was just trying to make her feel more comfortable.

Amy: I'm a detective. Making people comfortable is not what I do.

Susie: Obviously.

---

Amy: Did you pass?

Jonesy: Of course!

Amy: Thank God!

Lost [12.41]

Joss: Woo, Jonesy. You're a brave man. Women are going to be mobbing you in the streets dressed like that.

Jonesy: Well, it beats the uniform.

Joss: Well, I just actually realised how much I like the uniform.

Kelly: If you ever come to work wearing something like that, I will shoot you.

---

Jonesy: Suse.

Susie: Hmmm...

Jonesy: The suit?

Susie: Right...

[Buzzer sounds in reception area.]

Susie: I'll grab that.

---

Jonesy: You all but told her exactly what to say.

Amy: She said it was possible.

Jonesy: Highly unlikely is what she said.

Amy: Extremely unlikely is what she actually said, but still possible.

---

Amy: Well of course I need you, grab him!

Jonesy: Want a coffee as well?!

---

Alex: Are you happy with your treatment by the police here today?

Lyle: Nah! Don't like my women so uptight...you're gonna die a virgin, sweetheart!

Amy: I'll die much happier than any of your girlfriends.

Found [12.42]

Alex: So finally your sluttish ways have come back to haunt you!

Jonesy: I wasn't that bad.

Alex: Old rubber hips Jonesy.

Jonesy: This isn't funny.

Alex: Oh it is. Just a little bit.

---

Amy: I'm not like you.

---

Amy: I thought you went home.

Jonesy: Well, maybe I like paperwork.

Amy: I said I don't mind doing it.

Jonesy: We're in this together...partners.

Amy: Is that what we are?

---

Amy: I wouldn't mind a coffee.

Jonesy: Good. You can get me one.

---

Jake: Are you really a Detective?

Amy: Yeah.

Jake: I'm Jake.

Amy: I'm Amy Fox.

Jake: We have a fox that lives down the back.

Amy: It's probably a relative.

Season 13 (2006)

Only The Lonely [13.01]

Alex: Don't worry about a kiss...

Jonesy: Aw, I'll give you one if it means that much to you.

Alex: We have to stop living together.

---

Joss: It's our job to serve and protect.

Kelly: That's America, you moron!

---

Matt: Pig shooter.

Amy: Not quite the way I would've put it.

---

Bob: You're a good man Tom.

Tom: Don't say that.

---

Alex: What am I doing? I'm just pretending to be his Dad. Acting Sergeant, Acting Dad.

---

Tom: Computer. What's that?

Boss [13.02]

Francis: Are you sick?

Tom: I'm fine!!

Francis (about Amy): She's pretty committed!!

---

Tom: Just a bit of heartburn...

Amy: Sophie said that?

Tom: Not that it's anyone's business, but yes.

Amy: Wow. She's even better than I thought! Diagnosis by telepathy... She rang, boss, looking for you.

---

Francis: Gran said to stick by the main road or I'll get kidnapped by a serial killer.

---

Matt: It's cool.

Tom: Cool. These blokes don't seem cool to me.

---

Tom: Amy, if you were a drug squad Senior Detective Sergeant...

Amy: I would have had a pretty fast promotion in the last five seconds!

---

Amy: Am I a cowboy??

Tom: Not as much as some...

Amy: Am I looking to get brownie points?

Tom: You're about to retire

Amy: Might wanna look good in front of my crew.

---

Amy: And yeah, don't worry. I WILL make the call. Even if I don't get anything in return.

Tom: You want me to go see the doctor that much??

Amy: So far I'm coming across as half-hearted?!

---

Tom: These are the two that's been monstering Francis?? Put em in the cell!

---

Francis: Really? You trust me with the cars?

Tom: As much as I trust Peroni...

---

Tom (about Matt): They're gonna kill him!!

---

Tom (reading the letters coming up on Matt's notebook): W, A...

Alex: Uh..water? waterfall?

Tom: S, H, I, N, G...

Alex and Amy: Washing powder...

Amy: It's his shopping list!

---

Tom: Lock the prick up!

---

Tom: Don’t you have a hanky?”

---

Francis: Geez, you go to the toilet a lot.

Tom: Yeah? Well you don’t blow you nose enough!

---

Joss: How do you know this kid anyway?

Tom: Bad luck.

---

Tom: How old are you Kirby!?

---

Alex: What do you want me to do? Carry him to school?

Francis: I weigh 72 kilos.

Alex: That's impressive!

---

Susie: You guys know each other?

Tom: Yeah we were at the academy together.

Susie: Together?

Rex: Err, I’m older than I look.

Tom: And I’m…younger than I look...

---

Rex: What the hell is that?

Tom: It looks like a Twistie sandwich!

---

Amy: Ahh boss, your appointment – 15 minutes.

Tom: Yeah yeah, I’m on my way.

Amy: [surprised] Great!

---

Francis: Are you gunna die?

---

Jonesy: Boss? Everything okay?

Tom: What?

Jonesy: Like with you.

Tom: Why wouldn’t everything be okay?

Jonesy: I dunno mate you look a little crook. Why don’t you go see a doctor, go see Sophie!

Tom: When was the last time YOU went to see a doctor?

Jonesy: Can’t remember…but I’m not crook.

---

Tom: MY health is MY business, I don’t need YOU broadcasting your opinions to every man and his dog!

Amy: I haven’t said anything to anyone – not even a dog.

Tom: Then why would Jones of ALL people suddenly be suggesting I need to see a doctor?

Amy: Probably because ‘Blind Freddy’ could see that there’s something seriously wrong with you.

---

Amy: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. It's none of my business. But if 'Jones of ALL people' can see it, then soon whatever's wrong with you is going to be everyone's business.

---

Francis: Wow, a real police operation. Did I help?

Tom: No. You just got in the bloody way.

Dirt [13.03]

Rory: You said I could take the next one, Jonesy!

[Alex looks at Jonesy.]

Rory: Come on, Jonesy!

Jonesy: Alright, there you go mate.

[Jonesy gives Rory the radio.]

Rory: Mt. Thomas 509 to VKC, we'll attend.

VKC: Thanks, Mt. Thomas 509.

Alex: You're only encouraging him.

Jonesy: Well, at least he got the call sign right!

---

Old man (about Alex): That's no Sergeant!

Alex: Who the hell's this?

Joss: This is the guy that stole the perfume from the chemist.

Old man (about Alex): That's just a mannequin in a uniform!

Matt (holds up lingerie): And he'd also stolen these...

Joss (holds up dog collar and lead): And this...

Alex: What's he gonna do...EURGH! He's all yours.

---

Old man's son: I'm sorry, Constable. Has he been difficult?

Matt: Well...he's been singing.

---

Tom (to Alex): If you can't be a decent Sergeant, at least be a decent father!

---

Alex: Come on, when was the last time you had something green?

Jonesy: Oh...last night. We had a packet of spearmint leaves, didn't we mate?

Alex: Eat your vegetables...Both of you!

[Rory makes a disgusted look at Jonesy.]

Jonesy: Well, there's only one way I'm going to get through this.

[Jonesy grabs a tomato sauce bottle and squirts it onto the vegetables.]

Jonesy: Beat the old dead horse...there you go, mate.

[He hands the bottle to Rory. Rory smiles as he squirts sauce on his vegetables.]

Jonesy (to Alex): What?!

---

Joss: Did he just skip?

Matt: Or his pacemaker did.

---

[Old man goes into the old lady's house.]

Matt: Let's get him...

Joss (stops him): Nah, nah, nah. Hang on...it's not like he's gonna take all day.

[Joss and Matt laugh. Scene cuts to them waiting bored under an umbrella.]

Joss: Well, he's got staying power, doesn't he?

[Matt looks at Joss.]

---

Matt: Oh, drop the act.

Old man (singing): Take me baaaack...

Matt: And no more singing!

---

Old man's son: Didn't you say she had acute angina?

[Alex, Joss and Matt look at each other.]

Old man: That's not what I said!

[Old man winks at the guys, who smile at each other.]

---

[Alex runs up as Rory is being wheeled into surgery.]

Alex: Hey! Wait!

Rory: Dad!

---

Tom: Detective...there's something I need to talk to you about...

What's Love Got To Do With It [13.04]

Kelly: Rusty's arrived...Why's he here?

Amy: While the cat's away...

Kelly: Where is Garfield?

[Amy gives a confused look.]

Kelly: Oh, the Boss.

---

Kelly: I'm the rostered tea girl.

---

Amy: Falcon-Price is on a fishing trip of his own, looking to drive a big wedge in the Boss' command.

---

Amy: Where were you between 3 and 6 this morning, Mr. Rhodes?

Wayne: Where do you think?! I was in bloody bed asleep!

Amy: Alone?

Wayne: Why...you interested?

Jonesy: You got a big mouth, Rhodes.

Wayne: Yeah, that's not all. Wayne looks at Amy You still interested?

---

Wayne: I never met this chick before!

---

Wayne: Wow! Amazing!

---

Falcon-Price: I'm not Tom Croydon! In my book, families come first.

---

Amy: Can I have a word, Inspector?

---

Amy: I will find the proof I need, sir. He won't be walking the streets much longer.

---

Amy: This is going to be such a pleasure.

---

Falcon-Price: If one word of this gets out, you'll be on a charge and you can look forward to a fitting for a uniform!

---

Amy: Bastard wants to take me on, fine!

Jonesy (laughs): You're gonna go head to head with Falcon-Price?

Amy: You don't think I could?

Jonesy: It's not really a fair fight.

Amy: If he gets hurt, he gets hurt.

---

Falcon-Price: Don't stuff up my case!

---

[Kelly is searching Tom's office.]

Falcon-Price: Something I can help you with?

Kelly: Sir...Ah, sorry. I just wanted to look for the contractors so I can, you know, fix that phone for you.

Falcon-Price: I think you'll find that the phone company does that.

Kelly: Yeah, course...Another cup of tea?

Falcon-Price: No.

---

Wayne: PROVE IT!

---

Amy: I want you to tell me exactly what happened.

---

Kelly: There's nothing minor about cancer.

---

Kelly: You never know with cancer, do you?

Falcon-Price (surprised): No...you don't.

Affluenza [13.05]

Joss: Have a safe day, Ma'am!

---

Amy: Ouch!

---

Amy: Maybe Alex can help you with this one.

Jonesy: Well, what about you?

Amy: Sorry, I got an appointment.

Jonesy: So you get to have a life while the rest of us just work?

Amy: Yeah I know, unfair, huh? *smirks* See ya!

---

Joss: Do I get a receipt or...?

Ted: Ticket, mate. We call them tickets.

---

Joss (while watching the race): Go Blue Streak! Go Blue Streak! Go Blue Streak! C'mon! Oh, no, no, what are you doing you stupid bloody animal! C'mon RUN!

---

Amy (on the phone): No, I've been babysitting...

---

Amy: You've had surgery. You're in pain and you need to recover, which means letting other people help you. With as much grace as you can possibly muster.

Tom: Finished?

Amy: Yes, I have.

---

Mr. Marchand: Oh, this is considerate of you.

Jonesy: Excuse me?

Mr. Marchand (about Amy): Bringing a pretty one with you.

Amy: I'd like to know your movements, Mr. Marchand.

Mr. Marchand: Bowel or bladder?

---

Amy (sighing): Oh, Joss.

---

Amy: The gun, Mr. Marchand.

Mr. Marchand: Oh, no, mine's much bigger than that!

Amy (extrememly frustrated): Listen to me you pathetic little man, I strongly suggest you stop the sad jokes and start taking this seriously.

---

Joss: Just excuse me for one sec; I'm just gonna go kill myself.

---

Joss: Just supposing a copper put some money on a race, and it turned out it was fixed...he'd be in the poo, wouldn't he?

---

Alex (to Matt): I don't know whether to commend you for your bravery, or kick you up the arse for being so stupid!

---

Tom: Chris? What are you doing here?

Chris: Visiting an old friend.

---

Tom: Amy told you?

Chris: Actually, the paperboy told me; Amy merely confirmed it.

Going Down Swinging [13.06]

Tom: I'll be in very good hands; I'm taking Acting Sergeant Kirby.

Alex: What?

Tom: I'll even let you drive!

---

Tom: Looks like old and smart beats young and fit!

---

Kelly: Bon Vi Vont? That's a bit classy for you, isn't it?

Joss: That's right, because I'm a very classy person.

---

Amy: Don't tell me you were outrun by a 19-year-old with a bad hangover?!

Jonesy: He had a headstart!

---

Jonesy: Do something!

---

[Searching near a dumpster.]

Joss: C'mon, in you go...

Kelly: No you go!

---

[Matt has just found the knife under the dumpster.]

Amy: Good work, Matt. Shoot it and bag it.

Matt (to Kelly and Joss): It was down there.

---

Joss: Hope I get more of a reaction out of the Boss if I ever get stabbed.

---

Kelly: So this Tilda...

[Awkward silence.]

Joss: Oh, sorry, I thought there was going to be more to the question...Yes?

---

Kelly: She's a bit...

Joss: What?

Kelly: ...Outta your league.

Joss (scoffs): How's that?

Kelly: She's pretty classy.

Joss: What, and I'm not?

---

Tilda: My Z3 got broken into!

Kelly: That's a car, right?

---

[Jonesy is pacing back and forth.]

Amy: I'd kill for a coffee...

Jonesy: Can we not talk about any sort of liquid?

Amy (laughs): Just go behind a tree! Isn't that one of the main perks of being a man?

---

Matt: Let's not do the running thing again.

---

Alex: I could have ended up in the morgue. Then who would have looked after my kid?

---

Jonesy (about Alex): He's still sedated. He doesn't know what he's saying.

Tom: He knows exactly what he's saying. And I agree with him.

---

Alex: I've said everything in my statement.

Jonesy: Humour me.

---

[Amy walks in on Tom having a drink.]

Amy: Is that such a good idea?

Tom: Fifteen year old scotch is always a good idea.

Amy: Maybe not after a prostate operation.

[Tom pushes scotch over his desk towards Amy.]

Amy: What are we drinking to?

Tom: No more talk about cancer, operations or anything to do with my health. Deal?

Amy: Deal.

Down To Earth [13.08]

Kelly: It's okay Joss. It's not going to explode.

---

Kelly: I needed you!

---

Rory: She likes me, she thinks I'm okay.

Alex: You think she's okay too, don't you? Suuuuusie!

---

Alex: You do realise he's got a bit of a crush on you?

Susie: Yeah, I did pick it.

Alex: I mean, I know it's harmless but anything you can do to let him down gently?

Susie: Oh I don't think I'll have to that will I? He'll soon spot some grade five cutie that he fancies.

---

Matt: Looks like you got yourself a bunch of junior deputies!

---

Amy: Up, up and away!

---

Amy: What's going on there?

Kelly: Huh?

Amy: Bit of chemistry?

---

Alex: You haven't made a move on her, have you?

Joss: Argh! Please!

---

Kelly: You're an idiot, Peroni!

Joss: Thanks.

---

Kelly (to Joss): You alright, grandpa? You want me to get the walking frame?

---

Joss (crying): My life is stuffed. I've been beaten to a pulp by my...some heavy guys I owe ten grand to and I can't given them bloody ten grand 'cause I'm so broke I can't even pay the bloody rent and now I don't even have a bloody place to live!

---

Chris: Something stronger?

---

Kelly: You have no idea what he just asked me to do.

Chris: Men, all they think about is sex.

Kelly: If only that was all.

---

Rory: I'm a deputy!

---

Jonesy: Sounds like the comic book guy from The Simpsons.

---

Alex (to Rory): I can't remember how many times I've had my heart broken. It should all be in squidgy bits!

---

Rory: I did make up the man. She must watch The Simpsons...how cool's that!

Moonlighting [13.09]

Kelly: Chris, please explain to David why I could never have a relationship with Joss.

Chris: Because she's not clinically insane.

---

Kelly: You blink, you breathe, I shoot you.

Pilgrim: Can someone please call this crazy bitch off me?!

---

Amy: Thieves just hate payin' for stuff. That's why they become thieves.

---

Matt: Oh, by the way, the going rate for a Saturday night off is now north of $30.

Kelly (to David): He's joking.

---

Matt (to David about Kelly): She has quite a temper on her, this one. Today, she came this close to blowing a man's head off.

---

Man with drugs: I'll have your badge!

Kelly (to Matt): Aw...he thinks he's in New York!

One Day More, Part 1 [13.10]

Gina: First there's the thirst, then the munchies, then the nausea. It's a bit like opium.

Tom: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Gina: You didn't see this either.

[Gina kicks vending machine and a can of coke comes out.]

Tom: I could arrest you for that.

[Gina offers Tom the drink, and he takes it.]

Gina: Now you'd have to arrest yourself for accessory.

---

[Tom is talking about the defaced statue of General Thomas.]

Tom: I never really did like that statue.

One Day More, Part 2 [13.11]

Jonesy: I'm sorry if I've had anything to do with that.

Susie: Don't flatter yourself.

---

Lily: So who owns the house this week?

Matt: You do.

Lily: And the car?

Matt: You do.

Lily: And the million dollars?

Matt: You do.

---

Susie: That is the neatest graffiti I have ever seen! Who writes like that?!

---

Tom: [to Adam] You couldn't even walk away from Mt. Thomas, what makes you think you can walk away from this?

---

Adam: [to Tom]You could of just believed me. Although listening to other people's opinions was never really your strong suit was it, boss?

---

Chris: [to Falcon-Price] You cause any strife in here and you're barred!

---

Tom: You seriously expect me to come back to work for you?

Falcon-Price: Unless you'd like to make my day.

---

[Kelly and Joss race for the car keys. Kelly finds them first.]

Kelly: Ha, ha, ha!

Joss: Give us the keys.

Kelly: No way, you haven't let me drive for ages!

Joss: That's because I'm concerned for your safety.

Kelly: Well, suffer!

[Kelly and Joss race out of the station.]

---

Tom: [to Adam] I was your boss and I failed you.

Cast

John Wood - Tom Croydon Julie Nihill - Chris Riley Martin Sacks - P.J. Hasham William McInnes - Nick Schultz Lisa McCune - Maggie Doyle Ann Burbrook - Roz Patterson Grant Bowler - Wayne Patterson Damian Walshe-Howling - Adam Cooper Tasma Walton - Dash McKinley Paul Bishop - Ben Stewart Rupert Reid - Jack Lawson Jane Allsop - Jo Parrish Caroline Craig - Tess Gallagher Ditch Davey - Evan "Jonesy" Jones Simone McAullay - Susie Raynor Geoff Morrell - Mark Jacobs Rachel Gordon - Amy Fox Samantha Tolj - Kelly O'Rourke Danny Raco - Joss Peroni Charlie Clausen - Alex Kirby Matt Holmes - Matt Graham

External links

• Blue Heelers quotes at the Internet Movie Database