Last modified on 9 August 2014, at 13:05

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me is a 1999 film in which Dr. Evil is back...and has invented a new time machine that allows him to go back to the 60's and steal Austin Powers's mojo, inadvertently leaving him "shagless".

Directed by Jay Roach. Written by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers.
First he fought for the Crown. Now he's fighting for the family jewels! taglines

Austin PowersEdit

  • The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything! I looked into it. There's a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls. That's about it.
  • Crikey! I've lost my mojo!
  • I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy, was a fembot... all along. Wait a tick. That means I'm single again! Oh, behave! (laughs and claps with the fembot hand, then throws it away) Yeah!
  • Mission Control, the swinger has landed.
  • (sees Mini-Me float into space) Poor little bugger. (salutes) I salute you!

Dr. EvilEdit

  • Fire the laser!
  • (to Number Two) SILENCE!! I will not tolerate your insolence!
  • Mini-Me, stop humping the laser. Honest to God, why don't you and the giant laser get a frickin' room, for God's sake?
  • I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".
  • Why make trillions when we can make billions?
  • Mini-Me, are you hungry? Something to eat? Not even a Hot Pocket? An Eggo?
  • We don't gnaw on our kitty. Leave Mi--no. Leave Mini Mr. Bigglesworth alone.
  • [to Scott] You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
  • Mini-Me, you complete me.
  • (spins out of control on his chair) All I asked for was a fricking rotating chair, okay? Okay, getting a little afraid. I need an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! Whoa, hello! Okay, sick as a dog now. (spits) Okay. Gonna vom.
  • I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers. I'm gonna get you!

Fat BastardEdit

  • Surprise, surprise!
  • Mr. English Colonel, tellin' me to lose weight. Oh! I'm a hard case, he says! Well, listen up, Sonny Jim. I ate a baby! Oh, aye! Baby: The other other white meat. Baby: It's what's for dinner!
  • [successfully steals Austin's mojo] Oh, I've got your mojo now, Sonny Jim!
  • First things first: Where's your shitter?! I've got a turtle head pokin' out.
  • [To Mini-Me] Come here! I'm bigger than you! I'm higher in the food chain! Get in my belly!
  • Dr Evil, let me make you a deal. All right? You get the mojo, you keep your money. And I'll get your baby. (licks lips)
  • (sings) I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs. I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs. Chili... baby-back ribs.
  • Look at me, I'm a big fat slob! I've got bigger titties than you do! I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book! I've not seen my willy in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead! [on the verge of tears] I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive. Myself. [slowly breaks wind] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead. Oh, who am I kiddin'?! I'm gonna kill ya, anyway!
  • (after Felicity has kicked him in the groin) OH!!! Right in the mummy-daddy button!

DialogueEdit

[each time Austin pushes a button on the remote, Vanessa motions according to the button pushed]
Austin: Vanessa, what's going on?
[he pushes the play button, and Vanessa walks up to him in normal speed]
Vanessa: I don't know what you mean, Austin. I'm the same Vane--
[her sentence is muted when Austin pushes the mute button; he pushes the same button again]
Vanessa: You must be--
[Austin pushes the SAP button]
Vanessa: [in Spanish] ...Tu imaginación está jugando con ti, querido.
Austin: [in the state of shock] OH, MY GOD!
[Vanessa strangles him by the neck; Austin rips her face off and sees the face of a machine in its place]
Austin: Vanessa! You're a fembot!
Vanessa: No shit, Sherlock! [throws Austin aside and releases machine guns from her breasts]
Austin: Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those, baby?
Vanessa: Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.
Austin: Right. [to himself] Oh, my God!
["Vanessa" shoots her machine guns at Austin and stops firing as Austin waves a white flag to surrender]
Dr. Evil's voice: Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers. A kamikaze bride from me: Dr. Evil. [countdown reaches zero; "Vanessa's" head explodes, destroying bits of the hotel room]
Austin: [unharmed, checks to see if his crotch is intact] Oh, thank God.

Springer: You know, what have we learned here today? Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo. You can look around all you want, but what you're really tryin' to find is on the inside. Take care of yourself and each other.

Austin: Who are you, baby?
Ivana: Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.
Austin: Excuse me?
Ivana: Ivana Humpalot.
Austin: And I Vanna toilet made out of solid gold, but its just not in the cards now, is it? [laughs]

Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin: I can guess, baby.
Ivana: We play chess.
Austin: I guessed wrong.
Ivana: It takes a keen intellect to play chess, Mr. Powers. I assume you know how to play.
Austin: Of course, baby.

Dr. Evil: Frau Farbissina, Wie geht es Ihnen? (Translation: How are you?)
Frau: Sehr gut, Herr Doctor. (Very good, Doctor.)
Dr. Evil: How are things?
Frau: I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover. [reveals said female] We met at the LPGA Tour. Her name is Unibrau.
Dr. Evil: Right on. Welcome, Unibrau.
Frau: [looks at the coffee cream on Dr. Evil's nose] Dr. Evil, you, uh-- [points to the nose]
Dr. Evil: What? What?
Frau: You've got a little milk... nose... mustache.
Dr. Evil: [looks at himself in his mirror] I know. I know. I meant to. [wipes his nose] That's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a Belgian Dip.

Austin: [looks through binoculars around neck] Dr. Evil's headquarters is just over that next ridge.
Felicity: Let me look. [pulls binoculars, with Austin, across]
Austin: AAAGH!
Felicity: Damn it! [pulls binoculars down] How do we get in?
Austin: [stuck in Felicity's chest] Hello, Mummy. Mummy, can I have some chocolate? I want some Mars bars!
Felicity: Austin?
Austin: Don't smack my bottom, mummy!
Felicity: Austin?
Austin: [pulls himself up] Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.
Felicity: Let's look at the map. [drags Austin by the binoculars and heads into the tent]
Austin: Oh, God!

Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby?
Felicity: You can start by buying me a drink.
[Austin wheezes heavily]

Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".
[Scott snickers]
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott: Oh, nothin', Darth.
Dr. Evil: What did you call me?
Scott: Oh, nothin'. [sneezes] Rip-off!
Dr. Evil: Bless you.

Austin: Who sent you?!
Mustafa: You'll have to kill me.
Austin: Who sent you?!
Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!
Austin: Who sent you?!
Mustafa: Dr. Evil!
Felicity: That was easy.
Austin: That was easy.
Felicity: Why did you tell us?
Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question 3 times. It just irritates me.
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.
Austin: (quickly) Where's Dr. Evil hiding?!
Mustafa: Damn! 3 times! He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.
Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: (spits) I spit at the question.
Austin: Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?
Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.
Austin: Fine. (slowly) Where is Dr. Evil's secret... volcano... lair?
Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me.
Felicity: Aha! You have to answer. He asked you 3 times.
Mustafa: No, no, no! No. The second question was: "Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?". So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
Austin: He's right.

Dr. Evil: The key to this project is the giant laser, which was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. So therefore, it is fitting to call it: "The Alan Parsons Project".
[Scott snickers]
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott: The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass?

Basil: Hello, everybody!
Austin: Hello, Basil!
Basil: The results are in. We've discovered trace elements of a rare vegetable found only on one island, here, in the Caribbean.
Austin: Whoop-de-doo! What does it all mean, Basil?
Basil: It means that this is the location of Dr. Evil's lair!
Austin: Smashing, Basil. [sniffs his "coffee", then frowns] Cor! This coffee smells like shit!
[Basil looks at Fat Bastard's stool sample, from which Austin has inadvertently poured into his mug]
Basil: It is shit, Austin.
Austin: Oh, good. Then it's not just me. [drinks the sample and smacks his lips] It's a bit nutty.

General: Sir, are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?
President: Would you miss it? (to the other generals) Would you miss it?

Frau: You know I will never love another man.
Dr. Evil: Well, yes. That's true.

Felicity: What do you think of these, my man?
[Felicity exposes her breasts to the guard]
Guard: Mommy!
[Guard rushes forward and plunges to his death in hot magma]
Austin: What a..."burn?" [laughs] That sort of thing could get a man..."fired?" [laughs] I think he was..."hot"...for...you. [laughs]
Felicity: That's enough.
Austin: Yeah.

[Austin chases Dr. Evil who is wearing a space suit with helmet]
[Austin shoots and hits Dr. Evil in his thigh]
Austin: Gotcha!
[Dr. Evil sits up and switches on his speaker unit]
Dr. Evil: Ow! You shot me, you a-hole!
[He switches off his speaker unit]
Austin: And now I'm going to kill you!
[Dr.Evil switches on his speaker unit]
Dr.Evil: Before you do that-- Ow! [stands up and in a deep voice] Know this. [pause] Austin. [Heavy, Darth Vader style breathing/voice] I am your father.
Austin: Really?
Dr. Evil: [normal voice] No, not really. I can't back that up.
Austin: Right. Idiot. Yes.
Dr. Evil: But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers, that you would rather kill me than save your precious Felicity?
Austin: What do you mean?
Dr. Evil: Remember, there's a Time Portal in the main chamber. You can go back and save her.
Austin: I'll do that.
[Dr. Evil laughs evilly, and Frau shoots Austin, but misses; Austin drops his gun and runs off for the Time Portal]
Austin: Felicity!
[Dr. Evil, w/his speaker off, mouths "Good work." to Frau]
[Frau doesn't hear him]
[Dr. Evil yells "Good... work!" to Frau, and is barely heard]
[Frau still doesn't hear him; Dr. Evil turns his speaker back on]
Dr. Evil: [loudly] GOOD WORK!! (faints; glass breaks)

[Felicity passes out in the gas chamber]
Dr. Evil: You may have won the battle, Mr. Powers, but you lost the war!
Austin: NO! No! No!

[at the Jerry Springer show, Dr. Evil sits beside Scott]
Dr. Evil: Hello, Scott. Daddy's back.
Scott: How could you do this to me? On national television?!
Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a frickin' bone here, Scott.
Scott: Why'd you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.
[audience starts groaning]
Dr. Evil: [to audience] Well, it's true. [to Scott] You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just 1 calorie. Not evil enough.
White-Hooded Man: What are you? Some kinda freak?!
Scott: [stands up] Shut up, you (bleep)!
Dr. Evil: Okay, come on.
Hooded Man: [stands up, too] I'll kick your (bleep), punk.
Scott: Bring it on, you skanky (bleep)!
Dr. Evil: No one talks to my son like that. It's okay, Scott. (to the hooded man) You mother(bleep)! (stands up and attacks the hooded man)
(the audience goes wild, as well as numerous bleeps, Jerry's bodyguards try to stop the fight):
Dr. Evil: (yells at the hooded man) You were born in your mother's (bleep)!
Audience: (chant) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Fat Bastard: [Felicity kicks him in the crotch] Oh-h-h, right in the mummy-daddy button!
Felicity: That's for calling me crap, ya fatty!
(Fat Bastard screams as he falls to the ground very hard)

Johnson: [notices Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar] Colonel, you better take a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Johnson: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--
[cut to the sky in two jets]
Jet Pilot: Dick!
Dick: Yeah?
Pilot: Take a look outta starboard.
Dick: Oh, my God! It looks like a huge--
[cut to a forest with 2 birdwatchers]
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker!
Bird-Watching Man: [raises his binoculars] Oh, where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Wait! that's not a woodpecker. It looks like someone's--
[cut to a boot camp]
Army Sergeant: PRIVATES! We have reports of an unidentified flying object! It is a long, smooth shaft, complete with--
[cut to a baseball game]
Umpire: 2 balls! [looks up from game] What is that? That looks just like an enormous--
[cut to a Chinese school]
Teacher: Wang! Pay attention!
Wang: I was distracted by that enormous flying--
[cut to a concert with Willie Nelson and another guitarist]
Musician: Willie.
Willie: Yeah?
Musician: What's that?
Willie: [looks up] Well, it looks like a giant--
[cut back to headquarters]
Colonel: Johnson!
Johnson: Yes, sir!
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this!

(as Dr. Evil escapes)
Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?
Johnson: No, sir. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge--
[cut to a school]
Schoolteacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tally-whacker, schlong, or--
[cut to a barbecue]
Father: Wiener? Any of you kids want another wiener?
Son: (points at the rocket) Dad, what's that?
Father: I don't know, son, but it's got great big--
[cut to a ball game]
Peanut vendor: Nuts! Hot salty nuts! Who wants some?! Lord Almighty!
Woman: That looks just like my husband's--
[cut to a circus]
Ringmaster: One-eyed monster! Step right up and see the One-Eyed Monster!
One-eyed Monster: (jumps out and nearly surprises the crowd, then points to the rocket) Hey! What's that? It looks like a big--
[cut elsewhere]
Female fan: Woody! Woody Harrelson? Can I have an autograph?
Woody Harrelson: Sure. No problem. [sees the rocket] Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!
Fan: It's so big!
Woody: I've seen bigger. That's--
[cut to Dr. Evil's rocket]
Dr. Evil: (to Mini-Me while he gives him a flu shot) Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space. I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me. It's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. (hands Mini-Me a lollipop) I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers. I'm gonna get you!
(both he and Mini-Me laugh evilly)

Fat Bastard: Would you like some chicken? I've got more.
Felicity: No, thanks.
[Fat Bastard rolls over to get more food at the side of his bed; Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse and notices an opening in his rear end]
Basil: [voice-over, via Felicity's memory] Remember, by any means necessary.
[Felicity nervously sticks it in his behind]
Fat Bastard: OOH! Frisky are we? Give it up! [rolls on top of her]

Dr. Evil: Mr. President, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser!
[he shows a clip of a UFO from "Independence Day" blowing up the White House]
President: [freaks out and ducks under the desk] Damage report! Damage report!
[the staff realizes that everything is safe]
General: It's okay. It's all right. Come on.
Dr. Evil: Well, actually, that was just footage from the movie "Independence Day", but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah. Scary.

Austin: (about to travel back to 1969) Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969, and I was frozen in 1967, presumably, I could go visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to... (cross-eyed) Oh, no. I've gone cross-eyed.
Basil: I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing, and just enjoy yourself. (to the home audience) That goes for you all, too.
Austin: (to the home audience) Yes.

Robin Swallows: My name is Robin Swallows, maiden name Spitz.
Austin: Well, which one is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?

[Austin and Swallows fall from Austin's pad after a shot from a bazooka]
Swallows: The fall will kill us both, Powers!
[Austin moves Swallows in front of him to both break his fall and kill her as well; they land hard on the sidewalk]
Swallows: [still alive] You can't win, Powers.
[O'Brien looks over the edge, reloads his machine gun, and opens fire]
Austin: Why won't you die?!

Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could make trillions.
Dr. Evil: Why make trillions when we could make... (zoom up, play evil sound bite, and pause) Billions? (grins)
Scott: A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.
Dr. Evil: All right. Zip it.
Scott: You-- You can't even--
Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zip.
Scott: Look, all I'm--
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.
Scott: Number Two, would you please back me up?
Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!
Scott: Ugh. I can't--
Dr. Evil: (to the tune of Devo's "Whip It") When a problem comes along, you must zip it! (imitates whip) Zip it good!
Scott: Frau, would you please--?
Dr. Evil: (speaks Japanese) Subtitle: "Zip it".
Scott: I'm just trying to--
Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?
Scott: I want--
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott: Stop.
Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)
Scott: All you--
Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)
Scott: You--
Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)
Scott: You're like a child!
Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)
Scott: Talkin'--
Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)
Scott: If you just--
Dr. Evil: (speak gibberish)
Scott: Just--
Dr. Evil: (speaks gibberish)
Scott: One time--
Dr. Evil: Zip it. Unveil the time portal.

Scott: Mom?
Frau: Scott, you are my love child with Dr. Evil.
Scott: I thought I was a test-tube baby.
Frau: Lies. All LIES!!!
(Springer and the audience react)

Mustafa: [after the credits] Hello, out there! Is the movie over?! I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing!
[the splint snaps; Mustafa screams and hits the ground]

TaglinesEdit

  • First he fought for the Crown. Now he's fighting for the family jewels!
  • I'm Back, Baby!
  • Double-O Behave!
  • The return of Dr. Evil.
  • The BRITISH Empire Strikes Back!
  • He's back, he's even bigger and he's up for it!
  • I'm Coming Again, Baby! [Australia]
  • If you see one movie in 1999, see Star Wars. But, if you see two movies, see Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me [tagline from trailer]

CastEdit

External LinksEdit