- If it looks bad, smells bad, and tastes bad, then it might be... this old burrito!
- If your phone rings, pick it up. If your butt rings, see a doctor.
- To get your teacher's attention, it's a bad idea to scream " Hey look over here you freakish animal".
- If you smell smoke in the hallway, you say "fire". If you smell smoke in your pants you say "why am I smelling my pants?"
- It's not okay to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants.
- Homework bad, pizza good.
- Girls don't like it when boys take their sandwich and run away screaming " Hey look who's got your sandwich now".
- When you cough something up, never take it to school and tell people it's your friend Robert.
- Don't pour soup on yourself and run around shouting " Hey everybody, look at me I'm soupgirl".
- Never kick a man when he's down, just look at him and scream " Hey, get up you down on the ground weirdo".
- It's rude to walk up to an old person and say, "Hey, has your face always looked like that, or have you just been underwater for the last twenty years?"
- Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder how this song ever became so stinking popular.
- If you're drinking apple juice, and it feels warm, odds are that ain't apple juice.
- Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe, catch a tiger by its toe. If it hollers, let it go, because if you don't he's going to kill you!
- Next time you're sick, take a piece of ham and rub it around your skin. You won't feel any better, but hey, you'll smell like ham!
- All is fair in love and war. All is smelly in a closet full of baboons.
- Hey diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon, the little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish exploded.
- The early bird gets the worm. FINE! I don't want the worm.
- Cheaters never prosper. That is, unless they bought my new book, Cheating the Denberg Way. Available wherever fine books are sold.
- Tell your brother that if he eats a lot of uncooked popcorn kernels he will explode.
- It's rude to cover a cow with glue and taunt it by saying "Sticky Cow, Sticky Cow, OOOOOOOOH! Sticky Cow!"
- When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When left in the sun, mayonaisse grows hair.
- Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, I hate the Macarena!
- If you're on a first date, it's a bad idea to say "So, what's the biggest loogie you've ever hocked up?"
- When in Rome, do as the Romans do. If a giant chariot wheel rolls on your foot, go "YEEOOW!"
- Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill just laughed as Jack lay there unconscious.
- You should always brush your teeth three times a day. You should never fill your pants with infected fish.
- Breaking up is hard to do. Breaking a dozen eggs with a sledgehammer is fun.
- When it rains, it pours. When there's a nail in your eye, you go "AHHHHHH!"
- If you see somebody drowning, try throwing a popcorn in their mouth.
- There's 16 ounces in a pound. There's 38 sheep in my pants.
- If your name is Steven and you have a turkey named Stefan, then come Thanksgiving, you'll be Steven, stuffing Stefan!
- A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in your pants can be very uncomfortable.
- When it rains, it pours. When it snows, it's cold.
- You are what you eat. I am thirteen tacos and a stick of butter.
- This little piggy went outside. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy came off! (ripping off her toe)
- If you can count to seventeen on one hand, then good luck finding gloves, you seventeen-fingered freak!
- Revenge is sweet. Not as sweet as 10 pounds of sugar!
- If you fall in the mud, it's not a good idea to stand up and say "I AM THE KING OF MUD CITY, AND YOU ARE ALL MY MUD PEOPLE!"
- If you hang a turkey from your Christmas tree and it's the fourth of July, then congratulations, you're a blonde!
- Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb with a side of mashed potatoes.
- Miss Susie had a baby, she named him Tiny Tim. She put him in the bathtub to see if he could swim. He drank up all the water; he ate up all the soap; he tried to eat the bathtub, but it wouldn't go down his throat. The moral of this story is don't name your baby Tiny Tim.
- If you've just eaten, wait twenty minutes before swimming. If you can't swim, wait twenty minutes before drowning.
- If you have a fear of spiders, then you have arachnophobia. If you have a fear of breathing, then you have about four minutes to live.
- It's fun to play in the snow. It's not fun to play in a bathtub full of vomit.
- It's no fun to go to the dentist, especially if your dentist pushed you down a flight of stairs.
- There's no such thing as a stupid question...unless the question is, "JJ, can I borrow 20 dollars?" NO!
- If there was an animal called a yabba-dabba, and you kept one in your backyard, you might accidentally step in some yabba-dabba doo.
- If your bra is too tight, it's uncomfortable. If you're a boy and your bra is too tight, I'm uncomfortable.
- Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care. Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care. Jimmy got hit with a melon, and I still don't care.
- If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're not happy and you don't know it, clap your monkey.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, how I wonder how you smell.
- If you barf in an elevator, don't respond by saying, "I shouldn't have eaten that large pizza."
- Mary had a little lamb. I squished it with my foot.
- Wise men say that he who goes to sleep with itchy butt wakes up with smelly fingers.
- It's rude to talk with your mouth full. It's even ruder to talk with a mouthful of baby squirrels.
- If your teacher gives you an F, it's wrong to say, "What did you expect, moron? I didn't study!"
- If your grandmother gives you a pretty new sweater as a gift, it's wrong to thank her by wrapping it around her neck and squeezing till she turns blue.
- When an adult asks you what you wanna be when you grow up, don't say, "Well, I wanna be a big old loser, just like you!"
- Never judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the noise it makes when it hits your Uncle Benny in the booty.
- If you're having trouble with your homework, don't go up to your teacher and say, "This homework is too hard! Now gimme a big wet kiss!"
- It's nice to invent a new soup called Tasty Chicken Barley. It's not nice to invent a soup called Broken Glass Chowder.
- It's easy to milk a cow. It's weird to milk a toothless hippie named Maurice.
- If you're afraid your grandmother might get stolen, stick an alarm up her dress and chain her to the fence!
- Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey no see, monkey step in doo.
- The cow says "moo." The duck says "quack." The crazy person says "Ayayayayayayayayay!"
- If you have no eyes, three lips, and a lizard coming out of your belly button, then you have one weird mama!
- It's rude to walk up to a school librarian and say, "Excuse me, but do you have a book on why you're so UGLY?"
- People who live in glass houses should always wear pants.
- If you are the President of the United States and you're watching me right now, then you need to quit watching Nickelodeon and go fix our country!
- The people on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The people on the bus go up and down. Eventually, they throw up.
- If a dog asks you what your favorite color is, run like the wind, 'cause dogs ain't supposed to talk!
- If you in Jr. High and your still wearing a diaper, time to grow up.
- If your sister gets a phone call and you answer it don't say, "My sister ain't here, she's out in the yard flopping in the mud!"
- Girls it's a bad idea to fill your bra with water and goldfish and then tell people you've invented the "Double Cup Aquarium".
- If you want a good grade on a test, don't write at the top of the page: Dear Teacher, I didn't study for this test. P.S. school is stupid.
- When you get out of the shower soaking wet, it's almost impossible to dry yourself with a #2 pencil.
- If there is a new kid in school, put a sign on his back that says: lick the new kid. Then watch the fun begin.
- If your mother tells you to sweep the kitchen floor, don't hold your sister upside down and use her head as a broom.
- Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack eat chimpmunk, Jack get sick.
- If you're writing a letter to your grandfather, don't begin with: Dear Bald Wrinkled Man.
- When you're checking out at the grocery store, never say "Oh I don't need any bags, I just stick the food in my pants."
- Three blind mice see how they run...into things.
- When you're on a date never spread your toes apart and then say "Hey check out my fungus!"
- Next Christmas Eve leave a big pot of boiling water in the fireplace before bed. The next morning have a big bowl of Santa noodle soup.
- Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree, Oh why am I talking to a Christmas tree.
- On Christmas Eve it's a good idea to leave Santa some milk and cookies. It's a bad idea to leave him some liver and elf juice.
- If you feel like an outsider, if you feel all alone, and if you feel like you have no one to talk to, odds are you have no friends.
- If you steal my vital information bit, you better be prepared to sing a song.
- If you're lucky enough to have a hammer, please don't hammer in the morning.
- Never put underwear on your head and say to people, "I'm little Nancy and this is my pretty new hat".
- You won't impress the school principal by telling him, "You're a pretty school principal. Pretty, Pretty, Pretty. Yes you are".
- If it's healthy to eat a well-balanced meal, then it's dangerous to eat a well-balanced nuclear missile.
- If you're telling a guy a story and he starts to choke, don't say "Look dude, I'm right in the middle of my story".
- If you're a guy and you take your grandmother to the school dance, don't yell "Hey everybody, look at me I'm at the school dance with my grandmother. Wooh!"
- If a friend of yours falls down a flight of stairs, it's not helpful to say "You sure looked funny when you fell down that flight of stairs".
- If you lose a tooth, don't put it in hot water and then yell "Hey look at me everyone, I'm eating tooth soup".
- If someone tells you "Life is like a bowl of cherries", just smack 'em.
- Never spit on someone and then say,"That's what spit feels like".
- Never take a taco, sit on it and then run around screaming, "Hey, look at that taco stain on my butt".
- It's a bad idea to put bacon on your face and then run around screaming, "Look at me I'm Porkboy the breakfast monkey".
- Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you Porkboy the dancing monkey.
- If your dog sniffs you it means he likes you. If your friend sniffs you, then you got a weird friend.
- It's a bad idea to walk up to a policeman and say, "Oh Mr. Policeman, take me to prison, please!"
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away (followed by her pelting a doctor with apples)
- This is no way to treat the world. (Followed by Lori Beth punching a globe)
- One, two, buckle my shoe. Hey, buckle my shoe, I've got a show to do here! (Then a stagehand runs on stage and buckles Danny's shoe.)
- When you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. When you step on a rusty nail, you say “AHHHHHH!”
- It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's ping pong.
- Everybody likes the smell of Grandma's cooking. No one likes the smell of grandma's pajamas.
- Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. Who's Moe and why is he so Eeny, Meeny, and Miny?
- A picture is worth a thousand words. A thousand words is worth three and a half chipmunks.
- Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck 12 and flung the mouse 30 feet across the room.
- If you laugh, the world laughs with you. If you walk around with a chicken in your pants, the world laughs in your face.
- They say opposites attract. (picks up a feather) I wonder what the opposite of a feather is. (a giant boulder flies over and hits the host)
- I scream, you scream, we all scream when we slam our hand in the car door.
- If your first name is Wally, and your second name is Wally, and your last name is Woo, then your name is WALLY WALLY WOO!
- When you fall in the toilet, it is best not to start swimming saying, "Look at me! I'm a toilet fish!"
- When you blow your nose like this (takes a tissue and blows her nose loudly), it is wrong to do this (sticks the tissue to a lamp).
- If you get all Fs on your report card, don't feel bad, it's not your fault you're stupid!
- Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And I laughed my butt off!
- If you have a stomach ache, see a doctor not a lion. Because the lion would probably just bite your head off.
- If the shoe fits, wear it. If it doesn't fit then shove it in your pants.
- You can brush your teeth, but you can't brush your knees.
- If you have a hammer, for the love of God, don't hammer in the morning.
- A duck says quack, a cow says moo, and I say, "Get off my property before I call the cops!"
- Never go up to the meanest, toughest kid in school and say, "Hey girly-boy. Beat me up. Beat me up real bad."
- If you jump off a plane and your parachute doesn't work, (laughs) Bye bye!
- Don't feel bad if you get all D's on your report card. It's not your fault you're stupid!
- If you want to get clean, rub yourself with a bar of soap. If you want to get bitten, rub yourself with a squirrel.
- Don't put sugar on your hamster and say, "Oooooh, what a sweet hamster."
- If this is the last thing you ever do, then congratulations, you're dead!
- If you don't know the difference between bologna and your underwear, then I'm not eating lunch at your house!
- Never feed your dog three pounds of beef just so you can say, "Look at my new stuffed animal!"
- There's no real reason to play basketball naked.
- If you have a friend that says, "I'm a little gumdrop, and I like to push my face into things that are sharp and pointy," then you have one weird friend.
- If you have a pizza delivered, it's nice to tip the pizza man a dollar. It's not nice to say, "Hey, thanks for the pizza...could you help me put it in my pants?"
- After you blow out your birthday candles, if someone asks you what you wished for, it's rude to say, "I wished you were a giant piece of ham so I could poke you with my fork!"
- It's a bad idea to cover your head with honey, stick it in a beehive, and say, "Here, bees! Feast on my sweet head!"
- If you are wearing a T-shirt that says, "I'm extremely stupid," then you're extremely stupid.
- At fine restaurants, it's considered rude to butter yourself.
- It's not nice to buy a gallon of blue paint, wait till your mom falls asleep, paint her, and then say, "What's the matter, Mama? Feeling blue?"
- If you're on a first date with somebody, never stick your finger in their spaghetti, twirl it, and holler, "Lookie, date, I'm makin' sketti circles!"
- Never pour gravy on your head and then scream, "Hey, look at me, I'm meatloaf girl!"
- If you look at a sign and it says "wibly bidly wobly woo", congratulations, you can't read.
- One potato, two potato, three potato, four. I rode a bike that had no seat, and now my butt is sore.
- Never sit around and think about how wonderful life is, and then you don't hire something ya freak!
- If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you put a fish in your pants, you feel all silly.
- If people were more like animals, our carpets would have many more stains.
- If you can't stand the heat, don't just start throwing rocks at people.
- If your friend's mom asks you what you would like to drink, don't say "Oh nothing, my mouth's full of spit."
- If you don't have something nice to say to someone, then make sure you have something heavy to throw.
- It is better to sit there and look stupid, then it is to stand up, open your mouth and announce "Hey, I'm definitely stupid!"
- If you're on time, that's good. If you're on fire, try yelling "AAAAHHHH!!!"
[The following quotes are indexed based on the List of All That characters.]
First Run (seasons 1-6)Edit
- Detective Dan: "I'm Detective Dan."
- Detective Dan: "Hello, Pizza Shack? I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with no pepperonis."
- Bernie Kibbitz: "I'm Bernie Kibbitz and I'm old!"
- Squash Hick: "Why, the only thing I like more than fishing (or buses) is my good friend Squash Boy!"
- Studs Wilkinson: "I find your hilarious comedy both amusing AND entertaining!"
- Studs Wilkinson: "LIGHTS OUT!!" [faints]
- Studs Wilkinson: "I am unconcious and he still makes me laugh."
- Jerry Futile: "How many shoes?....Ooh, wrong! The answer was nine. Nine shoes."
- Jerry Futile: "YOU...CAN'T...WIN!"
- Toby Braun: "My name is Toby Braun, and I am a former fitness expert..."
- Earboy: "WAIT A MINUTE! I know a guy who has huge ears like mine and everybody likes him! He'll tell me what I should do!"
- Milk Man: "Now with Superdude out of the way, I can achieve my life long dream of bothering people all over the world!"
- Jimmy Bond: "Bad cookie."
- Ray Borealus: "Why did you send me here, Brenda?"
- Superdude: "I'm Superdude, teenage superhero with powers that amaze the stupid."
- Superdude: "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that make women sweat!"
- Superdude: "I'm Superdude, the teenage superhero with powers that can make hamsters dance!"
- Superdude: (usually after his intro) "I also enjoy stuffed animals, riding my bike on the beach, and talking on the phone long distance!"
- Mavis: "Hey, Clavis, wake up; the show's over."
- Miss Piddlin: "Oh, dear, children, Miss Piddlin almost let her violent temper and beast-like strength get the better of her!"
- Miss Piddlin: "Miss Piddlin almost let her maniacal rage get the best of her!"
- Miss Piddlin: "Oh children, Miss Piddlin almost lost her temper on the back of Miss Tula's head!"
- Miss Piddlin: "Careful, Miss Piddlin, peoples gonna think you're a menace to society."
- Miss Piddlin: "JULIO!!"
- Miss Piddlin: "Well if you don't want my peas then DON'T EAT!"
- Miss Piddlin: (to Buzz (Sullivan) and Kaffy (Foiles)) "Are you children on some medication?"
- [Ishboo is a phony foreign exchange student.]
- (Other character): "What country are you from, Ishboo?"
- Ishboo: "That is a very good question."
- (Other character): "What country are you from, Ishboo?"
- Ishboo: "Why are you screaming at me!?"
- (Other character): "What country are you from, Ishboo?"
- Ishboo: "I forget."
- (Other character): "What country are you from, Ishboo?"
- Ishboo: "DONT TEST ME!"
- Ishboo: "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will leave quietly." (Other person jumps out of the window screaming.)
- Ishboo: (at the doctor) "Look at my swinging jewel. When I snap my fingers you will put the needle down and walk out the door." (Doctor slams the needle down, sits on it, and yells, slamming everything down and running out of the door.)
- Bill Cosby: "Eat lots of yellow pudding."
- Randy: "Hi, I'm Randy and this is 'Cooking with Randy'."
- Antoine: "What it is."
- Jerry Futile: "I'm sorry, the correct answer was 'meatloaf.'"
- Antoine: "Didn't y'all hear Antoine say meatloaf?!"
- Coldfinger: "Look at my finger. It is really cold."
- Principal Pimpell: "As principal of Dullmont Junior High School, Principal William...Baines...Pimpell!"
- [appeared in a Harry Bladder sketch]
- Principal Pimpell: "Sweet puss, my pimple's talking!"
- Lester Oaks, Construction Worker: "My name is Lester Oaks, Construction Worker!"
- [appeared in the All That Tenth Anniversary Special Good Burger sketch]
- Lester Oaks, Construction Worker: Crunch bunny!
Everyday French With Pierre EscargotEdit
[Each of these is the "translation" of a French phrase.]
- There are small children in my nose.
- I will not introduce you to my fluffy dog Boo-Boo.
- I will not introduce you to this piece of wheat toast.
- May I blow my nose in your Sandwich?
- I want to shave your back.
- My father's name is Stephanie.
- I'm sorry I thought that was my pocket
- What time is it and why do you smell like cheese?
- [after speaking an unusually long French phrase] How are you?
- Hey! Who put that bacon fat on my toilet seat?
- Why is your grandmother wearing my father's panties?
- Thanks for buttering my squirrel.
- I thought you said this was pudding!
- Who broke the pickle pump?
- Oh no! The babysitter exploded!
- Monkeys are tickling my tummy.
- May I take a nap in your nose?
- I have not showered in 36 days!
- Kiss me under the baloney tree!
- Take those pork chops out of your brassiere!
- Hey! Stop licking my kangaroo!
- I enjoyed meeting your sister in prison!
- I'm a pretty little girl.
- May I pop my pimple on your lasagna?
- Excuse Me! I am not a drinking fountain!
- Wow! How did you get an onion in there?
- Thanks for the lovely used tissue!
- Please remove your banjo from my belly button.
- Oh no! The macaroni is infected!
- I told you I had gas.
- Merry Christmas! Can I get you a cup of hot fat?
- That's not an elf, that's my grandmother!
- Hey! Look what the reindeer left on my roof!
- That's not bubblegum! That's Porkboy the Breakfast Monkey!
- Keep your hands of my chicken nuggets!
- Who said you could live in my toilet?
- Your grandfather looks pretty in that wedding dress.
- Ed: "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?"
- Ed: [singing] "I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, 'cause we're all dudes, hey!"
- Ed: "Uhh...no?"
- Ed: "That'll be eight bucks."
- Customer [Server]: "Hi, I'd like a Good Punch."
- Ed: "Okay." [Ed punches the customer in the face, KO-ing him.]
- [The customer awakens a few minutes later.]
- Customer: "Why did you hit me? All I did was ask for a Good Punch!" [Ed knocks him out again.]
- [The customer wakes up again.]
- Customer: "Okay, I think I've got it now. I keep asking for a Good Punch, and you keep hitting me repeatedly. So I'd like one Good SODA, got it?"
- Ed: "One Good Soda."
- Customer: "Right." [Ed punches him out again.]
- Okrah: "Today on the Okrah show, you'll be entertained by other people's sad, miserable lives."
- Lump Maroon: [only dialogue] "Jupiter!"
- Clavis: "Oh, yeah, kick it!"
- Clavis: "You just gotta reach deep down in your pants and pull out stuff you never knew you had."
- Coach Kreeton: "Aww, the life I live is sad!"
- Coach Kreeton: "Aww, my happiness is a memory!"
- Coach Kreeton: "Hehe! Hehe! Hehe! Goooood..."
- Coach Kreeton: "You make me mad in ways I can't understand!"
- Butter Boy: "Superdude, why don't you rub up against me?"
- [Repairmanman has just dropped through the ceiling, making a mess.]
- [Other character]: "What was that?"
- Repairmanman: "That was me! I'm...Repairmanman-man-man-man-man!"
- [Other character]: "What's with the echo?"
- Repairmanman: "Echo my butt!"
- [Other character]: "What's with the echo?"
- Repairmanman: "What echo?"
- [Other character]: "What's with the echo?"
- Repairmanman: "Echo my Aunt Fannie!"
- Gina & Jessica [Bynes & Knowings]: "You're not a very good repairman."
- Repairman: "Yes, I am; Mama said I was!"
- Miss Fingerly: "The classroom is no place for the exchange of ideas!"
- Miss Fingerly: "The classroom is no place for research."
- Miss Fingerly: "The classroom is no place for enjoying yourself."
- Miss Fingerly: "Good afternoon, students. I trust you all enjoyed lunch. I myself consumed a tasty chicken pot pie. Teachers love chicken pot pie. Cock-a-Doodle Pie!"
- Ms. Hushbaum: "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY!" (blows airhorn)
- Herself: "I want a rhinocerous...carved out of pure gold!"*
- Santa Claus: "So Lori Beth, have you been a good girl this year?"
- Lori Beth: "Hmmm, no."
- Santa Claus: "Bye Bye!"
- Lori Beth: "Seeya Santa."
- Sweaty Woman: "It's true."
- Miss Fingerly: "The classroom is no place for hiney slapping!"
- Loud Librarian: "QUIET! THIS IS A LIBRARY! NOT A TALKATORIUM!"
- Loud Librarian: "IF YOU WON'T BE SILENT, I WILL BE VIOLENT!!!"
- Connie Muldoon: Hello, I'm Connie Muldoon!
- Ross Perot: I got 4,000,000,000 dollars, Earboy.
- Perot: Hey, Pizzaface, how about a little bite?
- Perot: Look, I'm in a bathtub full of money.
- Dorothy: Mr. Cosby, I need a shower.
- Cosby [Thompson]: That you do.
- Lemonade Scammer: My mom said she'd step on my hamster.
- [someone has asked about lactose-intolerant; Johnson's character appears from inside of a grocery display]
- Sally: Superdude is lactose-intolerant. That means he can be harmed by dairy products.
- Woman: You mean like ham?
- Sally: No. Ham is meat. Dairy products include milk, butter, cream, cheese, cream cheese, and...
- YoGurl: Yogurt!
- Sally: I've got a squeegee.
- Sally: You're the best, Superdude, even if you are lactose-intolerant.
- [Kiki and Fran are stranded on an uncharted island.]
- Kiki: [singing] "We'll be here...forever-"
- Fran [Denberg]: "Stop it."
- Kiki: "-and ever-"
- Fran: "Stop it!"
- Kiki: "-and ever-"
- Fran: "STOP IT!"
- Kiki: "-and ever, [Fran knocks herself out.] and ever...."
- Mandy: "There's a chocolate festival in my mouth!"
- Herself: "And People Named Steve"
- Steve Urkel: "Surprise!"
- Ashley: [starts to read a letter] "Dear Ashley..." That's me!
- Springs: [sings] I'm a teeny-weeny bopper-beany, I'm so nice and he's so meany!
- [Alien Thumtax has just fired on the U.S.S. Spaceship, which is helmed by young Captain Tantrum]
- Captain: [wails] You hurt my spaceship!
- Thumtax [Denberg]: I'm sorry, lil' cap'n. What can I do to make it up to you?
- Captain: [sniffles] Lower your shields.
- Thumtax: Okay. Shields lowered.
- Captain: FIRE MAIN LASERS!
- Singo [Mitchell]: [sings] Firin' lasers!
- [he and the others fire the lasers at Thumtax's ship]
- Thumtax: [in the destruction of her ship; screams]
- Singo: Captain, that was brilliant! Captain, that was brilliant!
- Ashley: Our next letter comes from Lisa Lillian From Queens, New York. Lisa writes: "Dear Ashley..." That's me. "Dear Ashley, my name is Lisa. I have a new sweater. It is green. Love, Lisa."
- (long pause)
- Ashley: WHO STINKIN' CARES?! This is called ASK Ashley! Not Bore Ashley to Stinkin' Death! [mocks] Hey! I'm Lisa Lillian. And I just bought a new sweater. It is green. I'm a moron! And blah-de-blah-de-blah-de-blah-de-BLAH!!!
- (after someone writes a letter in French)
- Ashley: What kinda French-fried kumquat writes to an American TV show in stinkin' French?! Do I look like Pierre Escargot?! D'you see me on a stinkin' bathtub?!
- Janitor Gaseous: "Squat and rot!"
- Jack Campbell: "I'm gonna have to inspect this refrigerator...with my face."
- Jack Campbell: "I'm Jack Campbell,Fat Cop!."
- Francis the Caveman: "Me Francis and I'm a caveman."
- Jessica: "And like my name is Jessica!"
- Winter Wonders: "Welcome to another episode of, What Do You Do!"
- Jessica: "I Would die For The Skinless Chicken Breast
- Gina [Bynes]:But Dont
- Jessica:I Wont
- Brenda Stone: "Well That's Nice"
- Brenda Stone: "Oh, Ray. You're such a silly willy!"
- Leroy: "Hey, Fuzz, do you want ride in a rocket?"
- Fuzz [a puppet]: "That looks like a toilet."
- Leroy: "It's a special puppet rocket."
- Billy Fuco: "I'M BILLY FUCO!"
- [There has been a long arguement over which Cloudy Knight singer should be top-billed.]
- C.J.: "I'm the cutest, and I have the biggest 'fro, so the group will continue to be called 'C.J. and the Cloudy Knights.'"
- LaTanya: "Okaaaaay!"
- Sweaty Spice: "Boy Power!"
- Stuart: "Fine, I'm not the real [insert job]. I'm just a guy named Stuart. But you know something? If I was the real [insert job], I'd be the best [insert job] IN ALL THE LAND! People would come up to me and say 'Oh, Stuart, will you [perform job] for me? Because you're the best [insert job]...EVER!!!!!' You all sicken me!! Now I'm going to hop on my kangaroo and fly away."
- Bailiff [Thompson]: "I'm the bailiff, you know the court room police."
- Stuart: "And I'm a wolf." (howls like a wolf)
- Hypno-Pants: "Stare into my butt!"
- Murray: "Hey! Could you-hey! Could you bring me-hey! Could you bring me a balloon?"
- Bill Clinton: "Due to a shortage of the number 3, we are replacing it with the word 'chippermonkey'...One, two, chippermonkey, four."
- [The show opening]
- Announcer [Soup]: "Fresh out the box! Stop, look, & watch! Ready yet? Get set! It's All That!"
- [Peter and Flem are performing the actions as narrated.]
- Announcer: "Peter sharpens his pencil in a pencil sharpener. Flem sharpens his pencil in his belly button.
- Announcer: "Peter runs five miles every morning. Flem runs from the police."
- Announcer: "Peter does his homework neatly and carefully. Flem hits things with a hammer."
- Announcer: "Peter likes to read. Flem can't."
- Kevin Kopelow: "Five minutes! The show starts in five minutes!"
- Dan Schneider: "Hiiiii, everyone! It's time for 'Ask Ashley'!"
- Mr. Bailey [Schneider]: "I have to go home and shave Mother!"
- Mýa Harrison: [Describing the perils of live television] "...And if things go horribly wrong, we'll show this video clip of Rhineheart the Dancing Monkey-Boy."
- Everyone: "Let's have a round o' sound for our musical guest, [insert guest's name]!"
Amanda: Hey, everyone! Before the musical guest comes on, I wanted to show you my magic powers!
Audience: Ooh, aah!
Amanda: That's right! I'm going to turn these ice cubes into a glass of water!
(Puts the ice cubes into a glass; a few seconds go by)
Amanda: Hmmm. This trick usually takes a few hours. Hey, I know! I'll just turn this grapefruit into NSYNC instead! Alaka-ZAM!
JC Chasez: Where are we?
Justin Timberlake: And why do we smell like grapefruit?
- (Josh is running on an unstoppable treadmill)
- Amanda: Help! Help! I need help!
- Danny: What's wrong?
- Amanda: I need help.
- Danny: Well, I'm right here.
- (long pause)
- Amanda: Kenan! Kel! I NEED SOME HELP!!
- (Kenan and Kel enter)
- Kenan: What's wrong? Was Danny bothering you?
- Kel: Because we'll take care of him.
- Amanda: No. It's Josh. He's stuck on the treadmill, and we can't make it stop!
(Superdude [Kenan Thompson] has just dispatched two bullies in a bank and gone outside to tie them up. A little girl dressed as Superdude [Amanda Bynes] runs into the bank )
Fake Superdude: NOBODY MOVE! This is a holdup!
(A security guard runs out screaming)
Weird Voiced Man: ...Superdude?
Fake Superdude: That's right, I'm Superdude! Now gimme all the money-or I'll use my superpowers to harm you!
(The Sweaty Woman [Lori Beth Denberg] begins to empty the cash drawer as the real Superdude comes in)
Superdude: Those bullies won't be bothering anyone anymore!...hey, who are you?
Fake Superdude: I'm, uh...Superdude!
Superdude: Excuse me?
The Sweaty Woman: Quick! Grab the impostor!
(Before anyone can react, Fake Superdude rushes toward Superdude. The two spin around briefly, and end up facing the bank patrons)
Weird Voiced Man: Oh, no! Now we can't tell which one is the REAL Superdude!
Black-Haired Woman: I'm totally confused!
The Sweaty Woman: Talk about conflict!
Penny Lane: Which one is the good Superdude, and which one is the bank robbing evil twin?
Superdude: ...Y'all are kidding me, right?
Fake Superdude: I'm the REAL Superdude! HE'S the impostor!
Superdude: I'm the real one!
Weird Voiced Man: I can't tell which is which!
Penny Lane: What are we gonna DO?
Superdude: What is WRONG with you people? LOOK AT US!
Fake Superdude: He's evil, I tell ya! Evil. Evil!
Superdude: Look, look. I'll prove to you that I'm the real Superdude, aight?
(He picks up a metal bar and twists it into a knot. The patrons applaud)
Superdude: Now do you believe me?
Blond Woman: He IS the real Superdude!
Fake Superdude: Wait, wait! Watch this!
(She grabs a piece of paper and, after a brief struggle, tears it in half)
Weird Voiced Man: That one's got super strength, too!
Superdude: WHAT? That ain't super! Oh, for heaven's sake, look-this is NOT the real Superdude! She's a little girl!
Penny Lane: I've got an idea! Superdude is lactose intolerant!
Superdude: You ain't got to go there.
Weird Voiced Man: Lactose intolerant...what's that?
The Sweaty Woman: Lactose intolerant means that Superdude can't handle dairy products-such as cheese, whipped cream, and especially milk!
Penny Lane: The Sweaty Woman's right! Does anybody have a pitcher of milk?
(The Sweaty Woman has pulled a large pitcher of milk from behind the desk and is drinking from it)
The Sweaty Woman: ...I do!
Penny Lane: Here's how we'll tell them both apart. I'll pour this milk on both of them, and then the real Superdude will be horribly damaged!
Superdude: No, I don't think that that's such a good...
(Penny pours the milk over both of the Superdudes. Fake Superdude only screams, but Superdude falls to the ground)
The Sweaty Woman: SHE'S the impostor!
Fake Superdude: The Sweaty Woman's right!
The Sweaty Woman: I'M ON A ROLL!
Fake Superdude: But it's too late! Now with Superdude out of the way, I'm free to take all the money! Then I'll POSE as Superdude, and commit crimes ALL OVER THE WORLD! AAAAHHH HAAA HAA HAA!
(She takes the sacks of money and heads for the door)
Weird Voiced Man: Oh, somebody help Superdude!
The Sweaty Woman: I've got a blow dryer!
(Penny takes the dryer and runs it over Superdude. Meanwhile, Fake Superdude stops to collect a toaster)
Fake Superdude: Almost forgot my free toaster!
(She takes it and goes toward the door)
Fake Superdude: Buh-bye...SUCKERS!
(Superdude is dry by now, and stands up)
Superdude: HOLD IT, you evil bank-robbing impostor! You're not going anywhere!
(He turns around and sends magnetic rays out of his behind. They attract the metal in toaster, and Fake Superdude is pulled back)
Fake Superdude: What happened?
Superdude: I stopped you by using my super magnetic force field from my super butt! You should've let go of the toaster, but you HAD to be greedy, didn't ya?
(Two police officers enter the bank)
Superdude: Aha! Officers, arrest this bank robbing person as my evil twin!
Police Officer: Wow. We just came here to open new accounts and get our free toasters.
Police Officer: Thanks a lot, Superdude! Wow-you two really look identical!
(They take Fake Superdude into custody)
Fake Superdude: NO! NOO! I'LL BE BACK, SUPERDUDE!
Penny Lane: I guess Evil Supedude picked the wrong day to rob a bank!
Superdude: You are correct. What can I say-you twin some, and you lose some!
(The patrons break into loud, faked laughter)
The Sweaty Woman: I don't get it!...HA HA HA HA HA!
(Detective Dan [Josh Server] has ruined Helga's [Danny Tamberelli]'s wedding.
Helga: YOOOOUUU!! You have angered Helga! (grabs Dectective Dan by his trench coat) Now you must pay!
Detective Dan: Don't mind if I do!
(Earboy [Josh Server] visits Ross Perot [Katrina Thompson]. Earboy notices a bearded man in a box in the middle of the room.)
Earboy: Who is that?
Ross Perot?: Oh, him! That's just my pet.
Earboy: A homeless man?
Ross Perot: Yeah, I found him one day. I liked him, so I took him home.
Earboy: You've got a sick mind.
Ross Perot: I know!
(The Island Girls are visited by Kiki's sister, Didi)
Didi: Hello Hello!
Kiki: I wonder who that is?
Fran: Who care? It's a person...it's a person that's not you!
(She runs to Didi)
Fran: Thank you, whoever you are! I'm rescued! I'm rescued! Finally-I'm rescued!...who are you?
(Didi removes her goggles)
Fran: Kiki, who is this?
Kiki: This is my sister, Didi! Didi, this is my bestest friend, Fran!
(She hugs Fran, who looks terrified)
Fran: YOUR SISTER?!
(What the "Whatever Girls" usually say)
Second Run (seasons 7-10)Edit
- Bridgett: "Welcome to my slumber party! The only thing I think about besides boys is boys!"
- Abby Rhoades: "Like, okay, okay?"
- Mega Butt: "Butt powers ACTIVATE!"
- Slimon Bowel: "I hate you all."
- Randy Quench: "Here comes me!"
- Randy Quench: I'm Randy Quench! Volunteer Fireman!
- Carson Daly: "I'm now bleeding from the ears! I hope you're happy!"
- Claudia: "When life gives me lemons, I suck them."
- Claudia: "Can I puke?"
- Heather Darling: "INCOMING!!!"
- Heather Darling: "That's my name!"
- Kaffy: "MY HEART IS POUNDING LIKE A JACKHAMMER!"
- Harry Bladder: "Weenius nosium!"
- [Sacco (Lyons) had enlarged Herhiney's (Foiles) butt.]
- Harry Bladder: "Look what you did to her heinie!"
- Brian Peafest: "Who will be the next American Idiot?"
- Buzz: "MY PULSE IS RACING FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT!"
- Ernie: "Here comes the loopy-de-loop."
- Mandy Snackson: "Dawg, you did your thing."
- Driving Instructor: "Don't be distracted by distractions!"
- Re-Ron: "I'm Harry Bladder's precocious best friend!"
- Zigfried: "KUMQUAT!...jerk."
- Thelma Stump: "Got any bacon?...Bacon's goooood."
- Carlee:"I'm Carlee--"
- Marlee [Foiles]: "--and I'm Marlee--"
- Both: "--and we have a passion for trashin' fashion! Uh-huh!"
- Cindy Lou Rougeneck: "I want some babyback ribs!"
- Sunshine Sally: "So, go get the tacos."
- Jim Tasty: "I'm delicious!"
- Kareena Jones: "Sas-er-frass!"
- Kareena Jones: "No flapjacks for you TODAY!!"
- Cupid: "I don't like it now, and I didn't like it when I was a tall white guy!" (the part had previously been played by Lyons)
- Jeff Bester: "When it comes to safety, I know bester!"
- Jeff Bester: "Yo-yo's going crazy."
- Lady in Shane's Mouth [Schneider]: "Don't live in a mouth!"
- Brian Peck: "Know your stars...know your stars...know your stars..."