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Charlie B. BarkinEdit
- These are some of the poorest people I know. They're broker than... the Ten Commandments. [laughs] Little joke. Very little.
- What a selfish, callous cad of a heel I've been. Blind to the needs of our society's lowly unloved.
- [while drunk] Hee-hee-hee-hee! You're the doggonest pals... a swell could ever have. [laughs] I love you, guys. You wanna sing with me? You wanna sing with me?
- I can't help it, Charlie. I itch when I'm nervous!
- You're not my friend. You're a bad dog!
- Charlie? I have to go to the bathroom.
- All dogs go to heaven, because, unlike people, dogs are naturally good, and loyal and kind.
- I do not wish that I should share 50% of the business with my partner, Charlie.
- That is no way to treat an old friend. Friends must be handled in a friendly and business-like way!
- MORONS! I'M SURROUNDED BY MORONS!
- (while his ray gun is out of control) H-H-How do you stooooooop this thing?!
- [Charlie has escaped the pound]
- Smiley: Charlie? Ain't you s'pposed to be on death row?
- Charlie: No! I ain't supposed to be on death row.
- Itchy: Hey! I got him out.
- Charlie: Careful, Itchy.
- Itchy: Yeah?
- Charlie: Yeah. I think that might be a water main.
- Itchy: Nah, Charlie. Water mains are green. This is red.
- Charlie: You're colorblind. You always been colorblind!
- Itchy: That's true, but this is green.
- Charlie: It's red!
- Itchy: Red?
- [He drills into the water main; outside, water bursts out of the ground]
- Man: BUSTED WATER MAIN!!!
- Man 2: Hit the lights!
- Man 3: Call command central!
- Vera: [sings] Things have changed, Charlie, since you've been gone.
- Life hasn't been no piece of cake.
- Chihuahua Gambler: Carface ain't been treatin' us too good!
- Vera: Things are tough, but we carry on.
- Smiley: [sings while Charlie wins a game of craps] Could you spare a couple of bones, for old time's sake?
- Charlie: Why settle for a couple of bones when you can have the whole BAKE?!
- [He laughs, puts the bones in a slot machine, gives it a kick, and hits the jackpot]
- Itchy: Charlie! Charlie, look! You hit the jackpot! Attaboy, Charlie, I'm proud of ya! Charlie, tell 'em!
- [in the middle of the horse race, Stella Dallas gallops up to Sir Reginald]
- Stella: Yoo-hoo! Reginald! Excuse me.
- Reginald: Oh! [chuckles] Splendid! Hello, Stella! Jolly good day for a race, what?
- Stella: [laughs] Oh, yes. But, Reginald, honey, I do hate to rain on your parade, but did you know, [furiously] It's the Grand Chawhee's birthday?!
- Reginald: Oh, really? You don't... [monocle flies off; he goes awestruck] Oh! Terribly sorry.
- Itchy: You're in love with the girl. You've gone soft. You care about her.
- Charlie: Look, I don't care about the girl! I tell her things now and then. I pretend to be her best friend, but it's bologna!
- Itchy: I thought I was your best friend.
- Charlie: You are my best friend! With her, it's just business. It's always been business. I'm usin' the girl! And when we're done with her, we'll dump her in an orphanage. Is that okay with you?!
- Itchy: Sure, boss. Anything you say.
- [At the end of the film]
- Carface: AAAAAGH!! I'll get that gator if it's the last thing I do!
- Annabelle: Touch that clock, and you can never come back.
- Carface: Shut up!
- Annabelle: I said, touch that clock, and you can never come back!
- Charlie: [to the home audience] He'll be back. [winks]
- Burt Reynolds as Charlie B. Barkin
- Dom DeLuise as Itchy Itchiford
- Judith Barsi as Anne-Marie
- Vic Tayback as Carface Caruthers
- Charles Nelson Reilly as Killer