- Few women care to be laughed at and men not at all, except for large sums of money.
- There are very few people on top of life, and the rest of us don't like them very much.
- A comedy is just a tragedy interrupted, I once said. Do you finish with the kiss or when she opens her eyes to tell him she loves him and sees blonde hairs on his collar?
- "A Crash Course in Playwriting" (1993) 
- The darker the subject, the more light you must try to shed on the matter. And vice versa.
- The Crafty Art of Playwriting (New York: Palgrave Macmillan, 2003) p. 3.
- They've started this filthy floodlit cricket with cricketers wearing tin hats and advertisements for contraceptives on their boots.
- A Gardener in Love, Intimate Exchanges (1982)
- Plays by Alan Ayckbourn have been attracting larger audiences in the regional theatres than those of Shakespeare.