Airplane! is a 1980 film that spoofs airport disaster movies. When the crew of an airplane come down with a severe case of food poisoning, the fate of the passengers depends on an ex-war pilot who is the only one able to land the plane safely.
- It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit.
- I've been nervous lots of times.
- Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. This is due to periodic air pockets we encountered. There's no reason to become alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
- Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.
- Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines!
- Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!
- All right, Striker, you listen, and listen close. Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle; it's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.
- (repeated before, during and after the landing attempt) I just wanna tell you both: good luck. We're all counting on you.
- Striker: The stewardess told me that the pilot needed help...[Notices that only the autopilot is flying the plane] BOTH pilots?!
- Rumack: Can you fly this plane and land it?
- Note: this next exchange is ranked #79 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.
- Striker: Surely you can't be serious?
- Rumack: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
- Randy: Excuse me sir, there's been a little problem in the cockpit…
- Striker: The cockpit…what is it?
- Randy: It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that's not important right now.
- Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
- Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
- Oveur: You ever…seen a grown man naked? Do you…like movies about gladiators?
- Oveur: Joey, have you ever been…in a Turkish Prison?
- Reporter: What kind of plane is it?
- Johnny: Oh, it's a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows and wheels and it looks like a big Tylenol!
- Dr. Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
- Elaine Dickinson: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.
- Dr. Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.
- McCroskey: Johnny, how'bout some coffee?
- Johnny: No, thanks!
- Co-Pilot Roger Murdock (to Capt. Oveur): We have clearance, Clarence.
- Capt. Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
- Dr. Rumack: Captain, these passengers don't have much time. How soon can we land?
- Oveur: I can't tell.
- Dr. Rumack: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.
- Oveur: What I mean is, I don't know.
- Dr. Rumack: Well can't you take a guess?
- Oveur:...Not for another two hours.
- Dr. Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?
- Oveur: No what I'm saying is we can't land for another two hours.
- McCroskey: Johnny, what can you make of this? [hands Johnny a map]
- Johnny: This? Well, I can make a hat; I can make a broach; I can make a pterodactyl!
- Disc Jockey: WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever.
- [a second later, the plane's wing clips the radio tower, causing the signal to go dead]
- Joey: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.
- Murdock: I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.
- Joey: You are Kareem! I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.
- Murdock: I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence?
- Oveur: Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.
- Murdock: [shows his nametag] But just remember, my name is Roger Murdock. I'm an airline pilot.
- Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.
- Murdock: The hell I don't! Listen, kid. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.
- Vernon: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.
- Betty: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.
- Vernon: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone.
- Betty: No, the white zone is for loading and unloading. There is no stopping in the red zone.
- Vernon: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading. There's never stopping in a white zone.
- Betty: Don't tell me which zone is for stopping and which zone is for loading!
- Vernon: Listen, Betty, don't start up with your "white zone" shit again.
- Vernon: There's just no stopping in a white zone.
- Betty: Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend? We both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.
- Vernon: It's really the only sensible thing to do, if it's done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involved.
- Ted: Mayday! Mayday!
- Steve: "Mayday," what the heck is that?
- Johnny: Mayday? Why, that's the Russian New Year! We can have a big parade and serve hot hors d'oeuvres...
- [reading newspaper headlines]
- Rex Kramer: Passengers certain to die!
- Steve McCroskey: Airline negligent.
- Johnny: There's a sale at Penney's!
- [Elaine and Rumack investigate the fish poisoning]
- Elaine: Doctor, Mr Hammen ate fish, and Randy said there are five more cases, and they all had fish too.
- Rumack: And the co-pilot had fish. What did the navigator have?
- Elaine: He had fish.
- Rumack: All right, now we know what we're up against. Every passenger on this plane had fish for dinner will become violently ill in the next half hour.
- Elaine: Just how serious is it?
- Rumack: Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat.
- [Oveur starts suffering from these]
- Rumack: When the virus penetrates the red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy, begins to experience an itchy rash...
- [Oveur suffers from those as well]
- Rumack: ...then the poison goes to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable drooling.
- [Oveur also suffers from these]
- Rumack: At this point, the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence. :[Oveur does]
- Rumack: Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering wasted piece of jelly.
- [Oveur collapses completely at the controls and the plane plummets, people swaying back and forth, and warning sign comes on saying "No Smoking - Rows 11-51, No Sexual Intercourse - Rows 13-51"]
- Steve McCroskey: He'll never bring it down in this soup. Never! Not one chance in a million.
- Rex Kramer: I know. I know. But it's his ship now, his command; he's in charge, he's the boss, the head man, the top dog, the big cheese, the head honcho, number one...
- What's slower than a speeding bullet, and able to hit tall buildings at a single bound?
- Thank God it's Only a Motion Picture!
- The craziest flight you'll ever take!
- The Plane's going to Chicago. The Pilot's going to New York. The Passengers are going to Pieces!
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