Last modified on 20 November 2014, at 02:44

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., or simply Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., is an American television series created for ABC by Joss Whedon, Jed Whedon and Maurissa Tancharoen, based on the Marvel Comics organization S.H.I.E.L.D. (Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division)

Season 1Edit

Pilot [1.01]Edit

Maria Hill: What does S.H.I.E.L.D. stand for, Agent Ward?
Grant Ward: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.
Maria: And what does that mean to you?
Ward: It means someone really wanted our initials to spell out "shield." [Hill gives him a look] ...It means we're the line between the world and the much weirder world. We protect people from news they aren't ready to hear. And when we can't do that, we keep them safe.

Ward: Something turns up like this Chitauri neural link... we get to it before someone bad does.
Maria: Any idea who Vanchat was planning to sell it to?
Ward: I'm more interested in how this Rising Tide group found out about it. I thought they were just hackers. What changed?
Maria: Everything's changing. A little while ago, most people went to bed thinking that the craziest thing in the world was a billionaire in a flying metal suit. Then aliens invade New York then were beaten back by, among others, a giant green monster, a costumed hero from the 40's, and a god.
Ward: I don't think Thor's technically a god.
Maria: Well, you haven't been near his arms.

Maria: The battle of the New York was the end of the world. This - now - is the new world. People are different. They have access to tech, to formula, secrets they're not ready for.
Ward: Why was I pulled out of Paris?
Maria: That, you'll have to ask Agent Coulson.
Ward: Uh, yeah. I'm clearance Level Six. I know that... Agent Coulson was killed in action, before the battle of New York. I got the full report.
Phil Coulson: [Steps out of the dark] Welcome to Level Seven. [Beat] Sorry, that corner was really dark and I couldn't help myself; I think there's a bulb out.

Leo Fitz: [to Ward] One of Coulson's old S.H.I.E.L.D. collectibles. Flamethrowers, world's first GPS. He's mad for this crap.
Coulson: [to the SHIELD C-17 loadmaster regarding his classic Corvette] Don't touch Lola.
Fitz: And he calls it a girl's name.
Coulson: Lola's not just a collectible, you know. People tend to confuse the words "new" and "improved".

[Coulson and Ward are interrogating Skye]
Coulson: This is QMB-T16. It's the top-shelf martini of sodium-penthasol derivatives. It's a very potent and extremely fast-acting truth drug. Don't worry, effects only last about an hour.
Ward: And then you'll have a nice little nap. And we'll know everything... [Coulson injects Ward with the serum] Gah, what the hell?!
Coulson: I'm sorry, did that hurt?
Ward: ...No. But you've lost your mind. You should never do that do a fellow member of your team. And yes, it did hurt a little bit. But I always try to mask my pain in front of beautiful women because I think it makes me seem more masculine- my God this stuff works fast.
Coulson: [To Skye] Still don't trust us? Ask him whatever you like. [Leaves the room]
Ward: Wait a can't just... THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT PROTOCOL!!

0-8-4 [1.02]Edit

Skye: Usually one person doesn't solve the solution, but 100 people with 1% of the solution that will get it done. I think that's beautiful, pieces solving a puzzle.
Ward: You and I see the world differently.

Ward: Where's your side arm?
Melinda May: If I need a gun, I'll take one.
Ward: Right, I forgot I was working with "The Cavalry."
May: Don't ever call me that.
[Later, caught in a standoff with Peruvian soldiers]
Ward: You should've taken more guns.

Skye: I don't even know where we are going.
Coulson: Peru. That's where the 0-8-4 was reported.
Skye: And an 0-8-4 is?
Coulson: Object of unknown origin, kind of like you. Team goes in, determines if it's useful or poses a threat. Last one turned out to be pretty interesting.
Skye: What was the last one?
Coulson: A hammer.

Skye: Sweet ride.
Coulson: I earned a little good will from Director Fury when I got hit right before the battle of New York.
Skye: You took a bullet?
Coulson: "ish".

Fitz: Are you mental? I did explain what I meant using the Queen's bloody English!
Ward: I use normal English. Words like "duck" and "run" and "might blow us to pieces."
Fitz: Congratulations, Agent Ward, you managed to string three words together in a sentence.

The Asset [1.03]Edit

Coulson: You forget, I saw plenty of action with the Avengers. [Walks away]
May: [Quietly, to herself] And you died.

Quinn's Main Guard: [After Skye takes Quinn's gun] Kid's got balls.
Skye: Thanks, but yuck.
Ian Quinn: But do you have what it takes to pull the trigger?
Skye: ...Nope. [Skye turns around, jumps off the balcony and into the pool]

Coulson: We need a reset here Fitz. Fitz?
Jemma Simmons: Saying his name repeatedly, does not increase productivity!
Fitz: Okay, done!
Simmons: ...Or maybe it does.

Quinn: S.H.I.E.L.D.'s against everything you stand for. They're big brother.
Skye: Maybe, but they're the nice big brother who stands up for his helpless little brother when he's getting beat up because he ate a piece of cake that he wasn't... you know, you kidnapped a person!

Simmons: [about Skye] I thought she was done for, but she just sweet-talked her way into Quinn's office.
May: How'd she manage that?
Fitz: Pfft, she probably used her...
[realizes Simmons and May are glaring at him]
Fitz: her... uh... boobs.

Eye Spy [1.04]Edit

May: Bus to short bus.
Ward: Go for short bus.
Coulson: Next time I'll decide what we call ourselves, ok?

Skye: So you asked how she could have cracked the system. I have a pitch, but it's way outside the box.
Coulson: I live outside the box.

Skye: What's up Phil?
Coulson: I prefer you not call me Phil.
Skye: Ok, you're the boss, AC.

Coulson: Have you seen Skye?
Grant Ward: Not since weapons training.
Coulson: She stop saying "bang" when she pulls the trigger?
Ward: Mostly. Now if she can just learn the difference between the safety release and the magazine release, we will be making real progress.

[Fitz and Ward are playing poker on the plane]
Ward: ...I call, and raise a hundred.
Fitz: Do you know how I'm gonna beat you?
Ward: By losing?
Fitz: You have a tell. A psychological tick that lets me know you're bluffing. If I watch you carefully... [Louder, into his earpiece] If I watch you carefully...
Skye: Oh, sorry. One minute. [Grabs the eye-spy x-ray glasses] You know that if I do this, I'll not only see Ward's cards, I'll see you without any clothes on?
Fitz: ...I fold, you win. [Leaves]

Girl in the Flower Dress [1.05]Edit

Skye: Did you just give me a compliment?
Ward: I - no, I made a comment.
Skye: A kind one. Did it physically hurt to do that? Do you need an ice pack? [Ward smiles]
Skye: Wow! A compliment and a smile.

Miles Lydon: You've changed.
Skye: Good.
Miles: I mean, you're not who you used to be.
Skye: And you're not who I thought you were.
Miles: I hope you find what you're looking for.

Raina: You need a similar name. More powerful name. A name like... Scorch.
Chen Ho Yin: Scorch? You're joking.
Raina: Have you ever heard of Steve Rogers? No. Captain America, now he's on the news and lunch box and a poster on the wall.

Coulson: Go ahead, say it.
May: I don't do petty.
Coulson: But you called it. I trusted my gut even though you said she was a risk.
May: When someone breaks into my house, I usually don't invite them to stay. But that's me.
Coulson: That's me too. Then that alien staff went through my heart.
May: Sure it didn't go through the brain?
Coulson: You really don't do comforting either, do you?

Coulson: Mr. Chan, believe it or not, this could still get worse!
Chen: Bend someone long enough and they break. Poor little Chan Ho Yen may have believed your lies... but not Scorch!
May: Who?
Coulson: Ah, crap... they gave him a name.

F.Z.Z.T. [1.06]Edit

Fitz: Here's the new Night-Night pistol. [Ward tries it out]
Ward: ...It's an ounce too heavy.
Fitz: An ounce too... An OUNCE isn't going to make much difference.
Ward: An ounce can be the difference between a good shot in the wind and rain, or a miss. Lose the ounce. [Leaves]
Fitz: [Imitating Ward] I'm Agent Grant Ward. I can shoot the legs off a flea at 500 yards, as long as it's not windy.
Simmons: [Imitating Ward] I'm Agent Grant Ward, and I could rupture your spleen with my left pinky... blindfolded. [Ward arrives]
Ward: What's going on?
Simmons: Poor silly Fitz, he mistakenly left a dummy round in the pistol [Hands him the gun] should be proper now."

[Simmons and Ward are talking after Ward saved Simmons' life when she jumped from the plane because she had contracted an alien disease.]
Simmons: About the Night-Night pistol... we didn't actually remove the extra ounce.
Ward: I know. After all... [Imitates the others imitating him] I'm Agent Grant Ward. I just jumped out of a plane without a parachute on, saved your life.
Simmons: Actually, that's not quite it. It's a bit more nasal than that.

May: Whether it was 8 seconds or 40, you died. There's no way you can go through a trauma like that and not come out of it changed. You know how long it's taken me to...
Coulson: I know.
May: The point of these things is to remind us that... There is no going back, there's only moving forward. You feel different because you are different.

May: That her medical report?
Coulson: Mine, actually. Blood work finally came back. I'm perfectly normal - little heavy on the iron. But don't worry - you don't have to start calling me Iron Man.
May: Wasn't planning on it.

Coulson: [Entering the lab] What's Fitz doing out there?
Simmons: He detected a strange energy about the body.
Coulson: He's afraid of it, isn't he?
Fitz: [From the other room] It's the smell!

The Hub [1.07]Edit

[Coulson, Ward, and May are being briefed on a special assignment to disarm a nuclear device]
Victoria Hand: I need a two man team to sneak over the border, find the device, and disarm it within the next 48 hours. And you have two people who fit my bill.
May: Ready to go.
Ward: I was in Georgia when the incurson occured. I still have contacts on the other side of the border.
Hand: And you'll need them. But, we don't have specs on the device, so I need someone on your team who can recognize and dismantle it on sight.
Ward: ...Do you mean...
Coulson: I think she does...
[Camera cuts to the commons area, where Fitz is arriving to meet Simmons and Skye with a cart full of tech. The door opens.]
Fitz: I found a localized EMP, plus a few other party favors. [The door closes when the cart's halfway through] Oh, come on. What the... Open. It's stuck. [Coulson, Ward, and May arrive] The cart's stuck. [Fitz pulls open the door and turns back to the front of the cart] That's unbelieveable. [The door closes again] WHAT THE HELL?! Who designed this?! In the Hub, of all places! [He shoves the cart out the door, which closes on him.] Oh, that's... [Door closes, cutting off his voice]
Ward: ...Seriously?

Ward: [Disables an enemy and sees more arriving] Fitz! More Border Patrol!
[Fitz has already gotten out of the car and started running]
Fitz: I'm already moving! HURRY UP!

Fitz: [surprised after kicking a bad guy in the face] I just did that.
Ward: [equally surprised] Yeah...
Fitz: Let's go.

Fitz: This is gonna take a while.
Ward: You have ten minutes.
Fitz: I thought you'd say five.

Simmons: [to Skye] I can't be a part of your bad-girl shenanigans. I like following the rules and doing what's expected of me. It makes me feel nice.

The Well [1.08]Edit

Ward: Don't say I never gave you anything.
Fitz: Checking for alien spectrographic signatures one teeny rock at a time.
Ward: Necessary precaution. We don't want anything alien getting in the wrong hands.
Fitz: Still, this is definitely the type of work a monkey could easily do.
Ward: You're our little monkey.

Skye: You guys may think it's old news, but it's new... news to everybody else. So, Asgardians are aliens from another planet that visited us thousands of years ago?
Coulson: Or more.
Skye: And because we couldn't understand aliens, we thought they were gods?
Coulson: That's where our Norse mythology comes from.
Skye: That's too crazy. Do you think other deities are aliens, too? Vishnu for sure, right?
Coulson: You know, it'd be nice, for once, Thor and his people sent down the God of Cleaning Up After Yourself. They probably have a magic broom for this kind of thing.

Coulson: I can't think of a single time when anything alien in human hands ended well.
Skye: Wouldn't mind getting my human hands on Thor. He's so dreamy...
Coulson: Sure, he's handsome, but-
May: No. He's dreamy. [Walks on. The other two stare after her, somewhat surprised.]

Coulson: How you doing, Agent Ward?
Ward: Wishing I was shorter. Nothing yet. All my readings are normal.
Coulson: What about you, Skye? Any luck?
Skye: I'm lucky my S.O. volunteered to take the super-creepy hallway instead of the slightly less creepy

Repairs [1.09]Edit

May: People believe what they want to believe to justify their actions.

Fitz: No! You do not touch that! Two semesters minimum of holographic engineering before you touch this!
Skye: All right, All right. I get it. I didn't go to your stupid SHIELD Hogwarts or whatever.

Skye: You can catch a lot more flies with honey than with napalm.

Fitz: You screamed like a girl.
Simmons: I am a girl!

Simmons: All I can tell from these brain waves is that she's upset.
Skye: You need a computer for that?

The Bridge [1.10]Edit

Mike Peterson: Did I beat Captain America's time?
Trainer: Not even close.

Ward: I'm just saying this could easily go sideways. The last time we saw this guy he was a raging homicidal maniac... [Mike walks up] He's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Coulson: Nothing makes people more suspicious than a handsome man offering them free money.

Raina: I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Coulson: Lucky for you.

The Magical Place [1.11]Edit

Raina: What do you remember about Tahiti?
Coulson: It's a magical place.

Skye: You're giving me a sandwich?
Simmons: Yes. It is that.

Hand: You backed my decision to kick Skye off the plane.
May: Seems like it worked out.
Hand: Seems like you played me.

Coulson: I heard what you did for me. I think it's time that we remove this.
[Talks to her wrist binder]
Coulson: Disengage bracelet.
[Bracelet comes off]
Skye: Are you kidding me?
Coulson: I thought you'd like that.

Seeds [1.12]Edit

Skye: "Bad seed" isn’t a S.H.I.E.L.D. term, Ward. Just a term.

Fitz: Time will come when you won’t make fun of me for that. You’ll be jealous. You’ll be jealous wrinkly old hags.

Coulson: We need to root out all the secrets.
May: Agent Ward and I have been having sex.

Fitz: Is Science & Technology what you imagined, Agent Ward?
Ward: Yep - no uniforms, no rope course, no defined muscularity on anyone.
Fitz: No marching in place, no IQs in double digits.

Donnie Gill: It's true what the other guys say - you are the smartest person to come through here.
Fitz: Is that what they say? Yeah? Well, Simmons is probably smarter, technically, but that - that's just because she likes homework more than life itself.

T.R.A.C.K.S. [1.13]Edit

Coulson: Let me get that.
Simmons: Oh. Thanks, Dad. Who looks far too young to have a daughter my age.

Simmons: [arguing with Coulson, pretending to act as his daughter] All mom ever wanted was your love. To be with you! In our two-story Victorian home in the Cotswolds! But could you even give her a moment, what with your banking job requiring you to travel to the States from Tuesday to Saturday every other week? No!
Passenger: [interrupts] Excuse me, ma'am, I'm personally sorry for your loss. [turns towards Coulson] As for you, this is your chance to do better.
Coulson: I understand. [the passenger walks away]
Simmons: He's right. You never had time for her, but you had time for your work! And your prostitutes!

Skye: Fitz, have you ever heard of an 0-8-4 being a person?
Fitz: No, but I suppose it's possible. I'd hate to meet the guy.

Coulson: Not a grenade exactly, this might be some kind of cloaking mechanism
Ward: Maybe it created some kind of portal, jumped the train there.
Coulson: I hope not. I can't deal with Asgard today.

[Coulson and Ward see a truck]
Coulson: Keys might be in it.
[Ward shakes his head]
Coulson: It's the country. People are very trusting in the country.

T.A.H.I.T.I. [1.14]Edit

Coulson: Really? All the war and chaos in the world, and S.H.I.E.L.D. sends a plane after us.
Ward: Three planes - small transport to dock and a pair of F-35s to make sure we hand over Quinn.
Coulson: If they scratch my paint, I'm gonna be pissed.

Coulson: Garrett? What the hell are you doing here?
John Garrett: Well, as opposed to the Level 8 jackass I'm staring at, I still follow orders.
Coulson: You're the worst at following orders.

Antoine Triplett: How did Coulson score such a sweet ride?
Ward: He died.
Trip: That’s tight.

Garrett: [to Ian Quinn] Let me be clear. You have no rights, no lawyer, the only thing keeping Agent Coulson here from throwing you out of this plane is the very weak heartbeat of the agent downstairs. And the only incentive I have for not tearing your tongue out is that you'll use it to answer my questions.

Fitz: Comms are down. There's too much mountain on top of us.
Garrett: Trust me - it's better. You don't want them hearing the horrible death we're walking into.
[Fitz gives a worried stare]
Garrett: Humor, son. You Brits are too serious. Besides, if the job was easy...
Ward: It wouldn't be fun.
Fitz: I'm not afraid - not yet.

Yes Men [1.15]Edit

Jasper Sitwell: You know, usually when a friend wants a favor they do something nice. Takes me to a nice restaraunt, buys me a bottle of wine.
Coulson: Want to go to a movie? Hold hands? Okay, but I need to ask you a question first.
Sitwell: I don't know where director Fury is. Don't be so shocked. For a quiet guy you make a lot of noise. How many favors have you called in?
Coulson: Clearly not enough.
Sitwell: Something I can help you with? [Coulson stays quiet] Fine, but Fury is a high level agent who is off grid. You don't find him unless he wants to find you. You did something like that once too. Remember? I never asked you. How was Tahiti?
Coulson: It sucked.

[Lady Sif sees Coulson, whom she belived dead]
Lady Sif: What dark magic is this? Thor said you perished at the hand of Loki.
Coulson: And he was right. For a while anyway. But Loki wasn't the only one with some tricks up his sleeve. Turns out S.H.I.E.L.D. had a few of their own.
Sif: Thor will be pleased to hear it. He considers you a friend.
Coulson: I feel the same. Which is why I prefer he hear it from me, if that's okay.

Lorelei: I wanted gold! You bring me paper?
Rooster: It's cash. It's like gold. This is the currency here.
Lorelei: [points at a $100 bill] And who's this ugly women?
Rooster: That's... uh... that's Ben Franklin. He used to be president. He used to rule this whole country.
Lorelei: And women can rule your land? Can they not?
Rooster: You'd be the first.
Lorelei: Yes. I will.

[Coulson discusses how to catch Ward and Lorelei]
Skye: What can I do? And don't you dare say "nothing" or tell me to sit down here and count ceiling tiles while Ward is missing.
Coulson: Ward's got drop boxes and storage lockers all over the world. They're filled with currency, weapons, ID's. He's gonna use aliases, cash, anything to keep Lorelei off the radar. You're the best radar we have. Find them.

[Sif has Lorelei at sword point]
Lorelei: Kill me. I'd rather die than go back to that place.
Sif: You'll not get off that easy.
Lorelei: Why? It's what you want. I can see it in your eyes. Or would you rather hear about how the man you loved followed me around like a dog? Hear of his touch? His kiss? The look in his eyes when I...
[Sif silences Lorelei with the collar]
Sif: You were saying?

End of the Beginning [1.16]Edit

[S.H.I.E.L.D. agents board the bus]
Hand: You realize, Agent Coulson, they have these things called "teleconferences" now.
Coulson: Nice to see you too, Agent Hand.

Simmons: We'd like to send a blood sample of yours to some colleagues to do a molecular breakdown. Maybe if you spoke to Agent Coulson...
Skye: Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea. If Coulson thinks it's important that this thing stays between us, then we should trust him, right? He's the boss.
Simmons: So you're saying we should obey the rules?
Fitz: Who are you and what have you done with Skye?

Agent Blake: Mr. Peterson... stop. You have a son - Ace. He needs you. We can still help you, Mike.
Deathlok: Mike Peterson's dead.

Garrett: Impressive toy.
Fitz: I prefer the term "hard-tech hardware."

Turn, Turn, Turn [1.17]Edit

Skye: You haven't taught me how to hold up under torture yet.
Ward: We'll get to that. It's real fun.

Coulson: We fly in there and face the music, even if it is the HYDRA theme song.

Hand: The worst thing you can do right now is underestimate HYDRA. They hide in plain sight; they earn our trust, our sympathy. They make us like them, and when you hesitate, they strike. If we're to survive, we must learn to strike first.

Coulson: You should go straight for the head. HYDRA’s always talking about getting heads cut off, right?

Coulson: For Hydra? You really believe all that crap spreading death and destruction?
Garrett: I wouldn't say I'm a true believer. Let's just say I felt the wind changing direction and swung my sail

Providence [1.18]Edit

Coulson: Skye, please tell me something good.
Skye: We have internet.
Coulson: Yay! And boy, have I lowered my expectations.

Coulson: Nick Fury gave me this badge. When he did, I swore an oath, we all did. To serve when everything else fails, to be humanity's last line of defence, to be the shield.

Garrett: Once we hit the fridge and grab all the fun toys tucked away inside we'll be able to take any base we want.
Agent Kaminsky: [Lifts both hands straight in a Nazi salute] Hail HYDRA!
Garrett: Alright, alright, put your arms down Kaminsky, you look like a West Texas cheerleader at pep rally.

Fitz: We have to trust that Coulson knows what he's doing.
Trip: Hey, I respect Coulson...
Fitz: Agent Coulson to you.
Trip: Agent Coulson. He saved our asses back at the hub, but I'm telling you, he's chasing the white whale.
Fitz: Okay, have you even read Moby Dick?
Trip: Yeah. Have you?
Fitz: That's not the point.

[Ward is "taking Garrett into custody" accompanied by two S.H.I.E.L.D. security guards]
Security Guard: How the hell did HYDRA know that you and Hand were coming?
Garrett: We told them.
[Ward shoots both security guards]
Ward: A little warning next time? I mean, they had automatic weapons.
Garrett: I couldn't resist, it was too good a line.

The Only Light in the Darkness [1.19]Edit

Coulson: Yeah, we're safe here. But what about everyone else? The people that don't happen to have access to a top secret, underground shelter? What about them? I don't know if it's wise, but it's right. I'm taking a team, and that's the end of it.

Agent Eric Koenig: Just gonna need you guys to answer a few questions, a few psychoanalytic, non sequitur questions.
Coulson: A lie detector.
Koenig: The lie detector, Agent Coulson. This baby measures galvanic skin response, oxygen consumption, micro-expressions, biofeedback brain waves, pupil dilation, voice biometrics - 96 variables in all. Fury designed this himself. He wanted a lie detector Romanoff couldn't beat.
Ward: Did she?
Koenig: [scoffs] Like Fury would tell!

Koenig: What's the difference between an egg and a rock?
May: Edible. Not.
Fitz: Well, that's absurd. The differences are-
Simmons: innumerable. If you want, I can start listing them but then-
Fitz: we'll be here all day.

Koenig: You wash up on a deserted island alone. Sitting on the sand is a box. What is in that box?
May: Machete.
Trip: A sat phone so I can call someone to get me off that island.
Fitz: How big is the box?
Koenig: Just say the first answer that comes into your mind. What's in that box?
Fitz: Simmons.
Simmons: That's a hard one. Let me think. The Tardis.
Skye: I want to say my laptop, fully charged. But I don't want to seem subversive - with the Rising Tide and all...
Koenig: You're over-thinking it.
Skye: The laptop would be stupid, anyway. There's no wi-fi.

Koenig: The NSA. You want to hack the NSA? That's a bad idea, Skye. That's a terrible idea. The NSA's already got S.H.I.E.L.D. on its watch list. Why poke the bear - the big, scary, waterboarding bear?

Nothing Personal [1.20]Edit

Hill: Yeah, it went as expected. S.H.I.E.L.D. implodes, and everyone wants answers. The CIA, NSA, NRO, them I can handle. But Congress? Congress is like kindergarten. "Where is this Fridge?" "What was in there?" "Who or what is a Man-Thing?" I swear, I need a cocktail and a lobotomy.

Coulson: [to Talbot] If I come out, will you shoot me? 'Cause then I won't come out.
Colonel Glenn Talbot: Hold your fire, soldiers.

Skye: All this time, everything we've been through, why? How could you?
Ward: I was on a mission. It wasn't personal.
Skye: "It was - " you did not just say that! "It wasn't personal"?!
Ward: Skye, listen to me...
Skye: God, you might actually believe that! That - that is the twisted logic that they teach you when you sign up to be a Nazi.
Ward: Stop. Wait. I'm not a Nazi.
Skye: Yes, you are. That is exactly what you are. It's in the S.H.I.E.L.D. handbook, chapter one. The Red Skull, founder of HYDRA, was a big, fat, freaking Nazi.
Ward: That has nothing to do with today.
Skye: You know, you always had that Hitler Youth look to you, so it's really not that surprising.

Hill: Wow. I can't believe he shot Lola.
Coulson: I can't talk about it.

Hill: I should go. You know where to find me.
Coulson: Say hello to Stark from m- Oh yeah, never mind, he thinks I'm dead.

Ragtag [1.21]Edit

Coulson: We have no authority to do this. We're no longer S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. We're...
Fitz: We're vigilantes.
Coulson: I was gonna say, "doing this because it's the right thing to do," but... yeah.

Coulson: So if you're with me, I'm gonna finish what I started. I'll be damned if I'm going to let Garrett and Ward get away with murder. And I want my plane back.

Ward: I could've crossed off that drug lord without getting my picture taken. Single shot, half a mile away.
Garrett: You're missing the point. I didn't want to just cross him off, I wanted to make a spectacle. People are killed by guns everyday in Bogota. But how often does a monster punch a drug lord's head clean off? Hell, that's international news!

Coulson: Skye, Trip, get ready for a large file transfer.
Skye: How large?
[A filing cabinet comes crashing out the window]

Skye: You know, I never gave you enough credit for this whole zen-warrior thing. But I got to admit, it'd be nice to feel nothing right now.
May: You think I don't feel anything?
Skye: Look at you. You're a statue. And you and Ward had a thing. So if anyone should be furious...
May: I am. I'm furious. But I'm sure as hell not gonna waste it on a tantrum. I'm gonna mine it, save it. And when we find Ward, I'm gonna use every bit of it to take him down.
Skye: Wish I knew how to use that hate-fu.
May: I'm up most mornings at five.

Beginning of the End [1.22]Edit

Coulson: Backup isn't coming. It will be just the four of us. We'll be out-manned and outgunned, but Fury always said a man can accomplish anything when he realizes he's a part of something bigger. A team of people that share that conviction can change the world. So what do you say? Are you ready to change the world?
May: No. I'm ready to kick some ass.
Coulson: That works, too.

Garrett: Fury. Well, hell. When was the last time anyone saw a tag team wrestling match with four dead guys?
Coulson: I only see one dead guy in here.
Garrett: Oh, the power's all on this side of the room, fellas. Phil, I'm surprised you'd try and stop me. Course, I don't blame you, Nick. You haven't seen the big picture. The big bang. The timeless frozen ocean, but Phil here has. We share a bond. We're blood brothers.
Nick Fury: You didn't tell me he'd gone this crazy.
Coulson: He's really stepped it up a notch.

Garrett: You remember that speech you used to give us, Nick? About how one man can accomplish anything once he realizes he can be something bigger? Well, now I am.
Fury: A part. A part of something bigger.
Garrett: Is that how it went?
Coulson: [to Fury] Not a great listener.
Fury: If you're telling me this whole HYDRA path thing you took is because you misheard my damn one-man speech...
Garrett: I am the key to the future of the universe. I'm the origin of all things.
Fury: [to Coulson] You got it, right?
Coulson: Totally. Loud and clear.

[An injured Garrett puts on the new Deathlok armor.]
Garrett: There's a reason why they say, "Cut off the head." Now, I'll be unsto- :[Coulson vaporizes Garrett with the 0-8-4 from Peru.]
Coulson: Hey, guys. I found it. I told you it'd be in here.

[On board the Bus, Coulson confronts Fury about his resurrection]
Coulson: Stupid, stupid, stupid! And cruel! And very stupid!
Fury: I think you made your point.
Coulson: Why bring me back in the first place? Clearly, I didn’t think it was the best idea. I warned you about people losing their minds.
Fury: Agent May was on top of the situation. She says you're fine - aren't you? It was a "break glass in case of emergency" situation.
Coulson: Yes, but that emergency was supposed to be the fall of an Avenger.
Fury: Exactly. And I'm damn glad I did it, too.

Season 2Edit

Shadows [2.01]Edit

Jim Morita: Guten Tag boys. Alright, nice and calm, no sudden moves or we'll tie a blasting cap to your—hey Dugan, what's the German word for nuts?
Dum Dum Dugan: I don't know, Jim. But tie a blasting cap to him, I bet we'll hear it.

Peggy Carter: These assets are now under the protection of the Strategic Scientific Reserve. They'll be hidden out of sight, indefinitely... as will you.
HYDRA Officer: Cut off one head, two more shall grow in it's place.
Carter: Then I guess we'll keep cutting them off.

Coulsoun: You've said in your numerous public appearances that you have a facility where you're storing the technology and prisoners captured in the S.H.I.E.L.D. raids, yes?
Talbot: Yeah, I'm flattered you keep up with my press.

Coulson: [impersonating Talbot] It's Private Tilden, isn't it?
Private Tilden: Yes sir.
Coulson: Well, I don't care I about this register or that. I want General Jones and his friends sent directly to the ordinance depot to meet me.
Billy Koenig: Go bigger, go bigger!
Coulson: Or I'll have you so deep in horse manure, son, you'll need a damn snorkel!

Coulson: We have to fight on for him, for those we've lost. We have to take risks, so that the sacrifices they made were not made in vain, and then we'll disappear.

Heavy is the Head [2.02]Edit

Trip: No need to think the worst till it shakes your hand and says hello.
Skye: Is that another one of your grandma's sayings?
Trip: Fortune cookie. Had some kung pao chicken the other night.

Coulson: Right now we have more important problems. A five-alarm fire otherwise known as Lance Hunter.
Skye: Is he...?
Coulson: Captured. But if he talks, our entire operation's compromised. We'll have to burn the base and evacuate. I know, and we've just retiled the bathrooms.

Skye: I know you're the boss and you have to compartmentalize everything, but it's not healthy. You need to loosen up. Try yoga or something.
Coulson: I tried it, but I'm really not flexible.

Skye: I'm really sorry, tough to lose people you care about.
Lance Hunter: Secret to that - don't get attached.
Skye: Tried that. Didn't work. For you either.
Hunter: You know, you remind me a bit of Izzy. Raw but sharp, you've got skills. Probably could earn you some real money in the private sector.
Skye: As a mercenary? Yeah, I don't think so.
Hunter: We prefer the term private military contractors. Don't knock it, everyone needs an exit strategy eventually.
Skye: Not me. S.H.I.E.L.D.'s my life now.
Hunter: S.H.I.E.L.D. isn't a life, it's just a job, means to an end. Remember that.

Raina: Hello?
Coulson: Who is this?
Raina: Agent Coulson, I'm glad you got my message.
Coulson: Raina, as I live and breathe.
Raina: It's been a while since we've spoken.
Coulson: I'm kind of in the middle of a manhunt; can we make this quick?
Raina: Why? You need time to trace this call, don't you? I take it then you haven't tracked down Mr. Creel or the item he stole.
Coulson: What do you know about that?
Raina: I know HYDRA's about to get their hands on it.
Coulson: Congratulations.
Raina: Let me be clear - Mr. Creel is working for HYDRA. I am not.
Coulson: Why the breakup? Bad dental plan?
Raina: HYDRA has only one thing on their minds - world domination, which is so 1945
Coulson: What do you want Raina?
Raina: It's what I don't want. Which is the obelisk falling into the hands of people who don't understand it.

Making Friends and Influencing People [2.03]Edit

May: In the field you need to maintain control, whatever the situation: hostages, bombs about to go off.
Skye: So what you're saying is what I just did was puny and sad?
[May checks Skye's heartbeat]
May: 61 beats per minute, consistent the whole time. Not that puny. Speaking of not puny... here, I want you to get used to this, it's a sniper rifle.
[Hunter and Mack come by]
Hunter: Pardon me, just one quick question, you went to S.H.I.E.L.D. academy, right?
May: You didn't. If you did, you would of known better than to shoot us.
Hunter: Apology number 470: I am very sorry Agent May...
May: Don't be sorry. Just wait.
Alphonso MacKenzie: Uh, we were just having a little wager, so did you...?
Skye: Go to the academy? Yeah, no.
[Hunter sighs]
Mack: Alright, well have fun with the inventory and remember: Koenig likes them neat.

[Simmons enters her home gun drawn to find Coulson]
Coulson: Did you think I wouldn't find out?
[Simmons lowers her gun]
Colsoun: Sriracha? Beer? That's all? What kind of diet is that?
Simmons: Well, I also have tea. And if my diet is such a concern, then perhaps dead-drops shouldn't involve fast food.
Coulson: We'll revisit that protocol.

Ward: A gifted that refuses HYDRA is a threat. And threats are taken care of quickly.
Skye: [scoffs] That's the difference between S.H.I.E.L.D. and HYDRA.
Ward: And that's why HYDRA will win. Because while a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent is considering right and wrong, HYDRA's already taken the shot.

Daniel Whitehall: Why cling to the founding principles of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Freedom. Equality. Individual rights. These principles make mankind a plague on this planet. Think of a forest. It dries up and catches fire with the first spark. Now, mankind would fight that fire, believing every individual plant perfect in its own individual way. But it's the fire that's perfect. Essential. Now more magnificent plant species, like the giant sequoia, their seeds need the heat of that fire to crack open and be born. To literally rise from the ashes. And they will live for a thousand years. You don't need to keep burning. Rise. Be born.

Hunter: May shot me.
Trip: Man. I wanted to be the one.

Face My Enemy [2.04]Edit

Mack: Sir, notice the car? 1962 Rolls... restored it myself.
Coulson: I noticed. Still not letting you work on Lola.

Coulson: This is fun, right? Isn't this fun? Look - [Holds up his sleeves] Cufflinks!
May: I will pay you $500 right now for a pair of flats.

Skye: [Hears a noise over the comms] Wait. What was that?
Coulson: Yeah. That's May.
Skye: Is-is she okay? Is everything okay?
Coulson: Yes. She's laughing. I think the worst of it's over now.
May: [Walks up to Coulson] My face hurts.

Coulson: We're blown.
May: Why?
Coulson: No idea. I think Talbot's still pissed 'cause we kidnapped him that time.

May: So, what did she do? Fake me. How'd you know it wasn't me?
Coulson: Little things. And she wanted to get coffee.
May: Ah. Punch her in the face?
Coulson: Yeah.
May: Good.

A Hen in the Wolf House [2.05]Edit

Ward: [on Garrett] To be honest, I was almost relieved when S.H.I.E.L.D. put him down. The Garrett I knew was long gone since the writing started. And whatever took his place, I don't think it was meant to survive.

Skye: Hold on, are you saying that I'm an alien?!
Coulson: It's a theory.
Skye: No, a theory is what scientists use to prove things in nature, this is you telling me that I might be an alien! That's not something you just say like it's no big deal!
Coulson: I was trying not to rattle you.
Skye: Guess what? Epic fail!

Trip: Welcome back, Agent Simmons.
Simmons: Trip, so good to see you. You certainly know how to make a first impression, Agent Morse.
Bobbi Morse: Please, just Bobbi.

Mack: What have you been up to?
Morse: Oh, you know, working undercover at HYDRA, acting all uptight and evil. You know what I could really go for right now?
Mack: Three olive martinis.
Mack and Morse together: Hold the olives. Yeah.
Hunter: Oy!
Morse: Hey, Hunter. Nice suit.
Hunter: Nice suit, really? That's what you're leading with? What did you do to your hair?
Morse: Ever heard of undercover?
Hunter: I prefer you blonde.
Morse: Well, I didn't do it for you. Two seconds in, there's already a tone.
Hunter: This isn't a tone, this is my speaking voice when I'm upset with an unreasonable person!
Trip: What's the deal there?
May: Hunter ever tell you stories about his she-devil ex-wife?
Trip: All the time.
[May nods towards Morse]
Trip: Damn!
Hunter: Anyone mind telling me what the bloody hell she's doing here?
Coulson: Bobbi's one of our best agents.
Hunter: Oh, that's rich! Then mind telling me what I'm doing here?
Morse: That's easy, I vouched for you.
Hunter: Why the hell would you do that?!
Coulson: Hey. Play nice.

The Doctor: [to Whitehall] We share a common enemy a guy named Phil Coulson. I thought maybe together, you and I could kill him along with, you know, everyone else.

A Fractured House [2.06]Edit

Christian Ward: [to Coulson] You may think you know Grant Ward, Mr. Coulson, but trust me. Underneath every lie he tells is just another lie.

Ward: [about Christian] He'll smile, bare his soul. It is all manipulation. He is a master at it. Look, I know what I am. But my brother? He's worse.

Ward: I'm still a part of your team.
Coulson: My team? You th-- You are not, nor you'll ever be, on my team. You dropped Fitz-Simmons out of a plane. You murdered Victoria Hand and Eric Koenig. You betrayed every one of us, you deluded son of a bitch! The only reason you're alive is because you were of use! And the only reason you're being transferred is because your brother is of more use!

[Ward is being marched out of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters and sees Skye]
Ward: Skye...
[Simmons steps protectively in front of Skye]
Simmons: If I ever see you again I'll kill you.

Christian: Dignatares, ladies and gentlemen, less then 48 hours ago, brave men and women lost their lives at this very spot where I'm standing now, and I think we owe it to them to discuss something all often elusive - the truth. Sometimes we want something simpler than they actually are, but... the tough reality is, we are complex creatures. And I've come to understand something that the world must, as well. There is a difference between S.H.I.E.L.D. and HYDRA. One was an organization built on protection, and the other - world domination. And just as good and evil existed side-by-side within S.H.I.E.L.D., the same was true in my own home. At first, I was ashamed to share this truth with the world, but my younger brother, Grant Ward, was a member of HYDRA. He was a traitor. He was a traitor to his friends, his family, and his nation. When evil sits to ones own heart, that is when the surest hand must cut it out. I give my word. I will personally make sure my brother is punished for his crimes. But as is so often true, the darkness lingers longer than the light. And while S.H.I.E.L.D. is gone, HYDRA is a problem that world must still face. Otherwise, that darkness will grow and spread and cast a shadow over us all.

The Writing on the Wall [2.07]Edit

Skye: May gave out specific instructions: you go on a date with a crazy wall. I get to chaperone.

Hunter: Subtlety is key.
Bobbi: You were dressed like a cowboy.

Coulson: I was put in charge of the T.A.H.I.T.I. project so those people are my responsibility. If going back in this machine saves even one life, then it's worth the risk.

Skye: In the history of bad ideas, this is light years ahead of everything.
Coulson: No. Trying to bring dead agents back to life using alien blood blows everything else away.

Fitz: He'll recover, he did before. Besides brains never delete files they just lose connections, but there's always a back up. It's just a matter of digging and finding them.
Mack: So you've got back up files too?

The Things We Bury [2.08]Edit

Coulson: Fury. I've been thinking a lot about what made him such a good director. His communication skills - flawed. But he could see five steps ahead, which, for a one-eyed man, is impressive.

Simmons: Peggy Carter, founder, happens to be British, held this in her hand.

Coulson: Take this to the Ka Pua dry-cleaner on Makaimoimo Street.
Trip: Maka-what, now?
Coulson: Not the one on Hookelewaa.
Trip: Am I good with this in my pocket?
Coulson: That depends. You ever want kids?

The Doctor: He thinks the Diviner is just a weapon, he has no idea of its true power, of what's inside. Oh, there's something inside.
Coulson: What are we talking about? Tesseract-level power?
The Doctor: Sure. I don't know what that is.

Hunter: Doesn't matter what I ask. I can't trust the answer.
Morse: Write that sentence down. Hand it to your therapist.


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